Nov 24 2006Britney Spears takes lessons from Paris Hilton
Remember when Britney Spears looked like she might actually make it out of this thing with a little class and looking smoking hot? Well forget about any of that happening, because that was before she met Paris Hilton. Britney showed up to Teddy's with Paris the other night looking like a, uh, what's the word I'm looking for here? Ah yes, dirty street prostitute. If she keeps hanging out with Paris by Christmas she'll have made four pornos and possibly be pregnant with a baby kinkajou. I mean she'll definitely be pregnant, kinkajou is just the most likely species.
More of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton looking super classy after the jump, including a couple shots of her flashing her panties.
Continue Reading "Britney Spears takes lessons from Paris Hilton"
Nov 24 2006Post Thanksgiving catch-up
Sorry for the late start. I woke up in the middle of Time Square covered in gravy and wearing a Santa costume (don't ask). Which is especially weird considering I live in California. I'm gonna keep things light today since most people are either buying stuff or waiting in line to buy stuff. I wasn't even gonna update but I figure I've got some free time so why not. Anyway here's what's been happening while you were filling your stomach with giant dead birds.
Heidi Klum and Seal gave birth to a baby boy. Hopefully to one that looks slightly less skilled at burrowing than their first.
David Blaine escaped from his gyroscope. A sentence I say practically every week.
Tawny Kitaen has been charged with possessing 15 grams of cocaine. When asked for comment Tawny said, "Who the hell am I? Was I in a movie or something? TV show? Working the register at Target?"
Nov 22 2006Lindsay Lohan shouldn't be allowed to write
In response to Robert Altman's death, Lindsay Lohan released a self-written statement yesterday saying:
I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altmans wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.
I feel as if I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches.
If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman's wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could..
Robert altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors.
I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career.
I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years.
The point is, he made a difference.
He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do.
So every day when you wake up.
Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.
The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious.
Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.
Life comes once, doesn't 'keep coming back' and we all take such advantage of what we have.
When we shouldn't..... '
Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book) -everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.
If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I'm one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I'm just a phone call away.
God Bless, peace and love always.
Thank You,
"BE ADEQUITE"
Lindsay Lohan
If you wanna keep kids off drugs just show them this statement and tell them this is how their minds will end up. Did you read it? I read it. Or at least I tried reading it. By the end I thought I was dyslexic. At least she encourages people to shoot for the stars. I mean "Be Adequite"? That's pretty inspiring advice. Especially for a made up word.
Nov 22 2006Britney Spears can't take a joke
Britney Spears was reportedly pissed about Jimmy Kimmel's sketch on the American Music Awards last night when he stuck a look-a-like Kevin Federline in a wooden crate and shipped him out to sea. He called K-Fed "the world's first ever no-hit wonder" and less than five minutes after the sketch he introduced Britney as a surprise presenter. A rep for her says "she had no idea" about the skit and was "incredibly upset" and "inconsolable." Jimmy Kimmel says he went forward with the sketch because: "I knew they wouldn't mind because I know they both have great senses of humor."
Too soon to be joking about murdering your ex-husband? A little too soon? Considering the stuff he says about her you'd think she came up with the idea for the sketch herself. Although if it was her idea it would've been more like: "We'll get him. And then, and then, and then we'll shoot him. Right in the face! With a gun! It'll be so funny! And then we'll keep shooting him! And then we'll say, 'Now who's the bitch, bitch?!' And we'll keep shooting him! It'll be so funny! And get it? It's clever too! Shot right in the face! It's so clever!"
Nov 22 2006Kristin Cavallari still a nobody
Kristin Cavallari's first movie, a remake of the 80's Revenge of the Nerds, has been permanently shut down just weeks into production because Emory University backed out as a shooting location after seeing the script.
I am shocked - shocked - that somebody as famous as Kristin Cavallari would be associated with a script so shoddy everybody involved decided to back out. I mean she was on Laguna Beach. And that was on TV. Real TV. With that kind of star power it's a wonder she didn't get her own Star Wars movie.
Nov 22 2006Britney Spears ugrades her house
Britney Spears is reportedly selling her Malibu house for $13.5 million and is looking to buy a new one in Florida for more than twice that amount. She's shopping in a Miami area which costs up to $29 million and to pay for it she's rumored to have negotiated a 20-week, $15 million exclusive performance contract with the Palms Hotel and Casino in Vegas.
Good luck to her, because when I was shopping for $29 million houses I didn't find squat. There was that one place overlooking the ocean, but when I wrote the check the realtor just spit on my face and told me to leave. Apparently $29 million has more than two zeros in it. Go figure.
More of Britney Spears at the American Music Awards after the jump.
Nov 22 2006Kevin Federline says there is no sex tape
Kevin Federline's lawyer has issued a statement denying the existence of a reported sex tape between him and Britney Spears. He says:
"There is not a sex video of Kevin and Britney in existence. It goes without saying that the stories of Kevin attempting to sell such a video are patently false and anyone who reports that they have information of such attempts is either lying or reporting the lie of someone else."
The porn merchant who was set to sell the tape, David Hans Schmidt, says he was contacted by the seller who "dropped the right names that made me believe he had the tape." Although I don't know what "the right names" means. Like Kevin Federline? Or Britney Spears? Because there's no way anybody but the real tape owners could know those names. It's just not possible.
Nov 21 2006Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst get it on
Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst have reportedly been seeing each other for over a month now after becoming close on the set of Elizabethtown. Last week they were spotted "kissing and cuddling in the corner of the lobby bar" in Los Angeles at the Chateau Marmont. A friend of Orlando says:
"Kirsten reminds him of what Kate used to look like before her dramatic weight loss. It was so much fun for him to be with her because she seemed carefree and not obsessed about fattening foods. Kirsten can also let her hair down a bit and isn't worried about being the most fashionable girl in the room. Orlando likes that she can look a bit dishevelled, he thinks it's sexy. Kate would never go out unless she looked perfectly coiffed and that got a bit tiring."
So basically Orlando Bloom is going out with Kirsten Dunst because she's fat and ugly and doesn't mind going out in public looking like this. I mean, Jesus, low standards is one thing but this is just sick. He sounds like the kind of guy who swings by reitrement homes to hit on grandmas. And then when he gets them he makes them dress up like truckers.
Nov 21 2006Will Smith thinks teachers are useless
Will Smith says he and his wife Jada Pinkett Smith are homeschooling their children because he doesn't believe in teachers and feels the most valuable things he learned in life he didn't get from school. He tells Reader's Digest:
"The date of the Boston Tea Party does not matter. I know how to learn anything I want to learn. I absolutely know that I could learn how to fly the space shuttle because someone else knows how to fly it, and they put it in a book. Give me the book, and I do not need somebody to stand up in front of the class."
I love Will Smith and all, but I can guarantee you there's no way he could actually fly a space shuttle after just reading a book. Okay fine, he could get in the cockpit and be in the space shuttle as it was traveling through the air, but I don't think crashing it into the side of a mountain or straight into New York city should technically count as "flying a space shuttle." If it does, then he wouldn't even need the book. Or arms.
Nov 21 2006Robert Altman dies (1925 - 2006)
Robert Altman's production company announced today he has died at the age of 81. Altman was nominated for seven Academy Awards over his career, including five for directing although he never won any of them. He was given a Lifetime Achievement Oscar this year.
Nov 21 2006Paris Hilton pukes on stage
According to Joshua Radin, Paris Hilton was "performing" in Las Vegas when she puked on stage. Radin was in Vegas with the cast of "Scrubs" and went to a club to see Jay-Z perform. He writes on his MySpace:
"Paris Hilton ...was sitting next to me the whole night. Seriously, next to me, like our legs were touching for a good 5 hours," Radin wrote on his MySpace site. "Now don't get the wrong idea. She never once said hello, nor even looked in my direction. Five hours. And it was unreal to watch. She must have pulled a compact out of her bag every 6 minutes to stare at herself and pose while Jay-Z was performing 18 inches from us." When Jay-Z left the stage, according to Radin, it was Hilton's moment. "Paris, who had been swilling straight vodka from [a] Grey Goose bottle for hours, gets up on stage, has the people in charge throw her 'record' on the house stereo for her to lip sync two of her songs," writes Radin. "She gets up on the stage, pukes, leaves. . . I find the music business charming."
The sad thing is that's probably the best performance Paris Hilton has ever given. The audience was probably like, "Who is this? I came here to see Paris Hilton but my ears aren't leaking blood. And I'm actually entertained." And then they'd fall to their knees, raising their fists in anger shouting at the heavens, "Who is this?!" Then they'd go home and kill themselves because they just admitted they actually wanted to see Paris Hilton perform.
Nov 21 2006Michael Richards apologizes
Michael Richards went on the Late Show with David Letterman yesterday to apologize, which was probably the worst venue possible he could have chosen. Seinfeld was a guest on the show and asked Michael Richards to appear, but most of the audience hadn't even seen the incident yet and many thought it was some sort of comedy sketch (you can hear people laughing and Seinfeld has to tell them to "stop laughing, it's not funny"). It's a very honest apology and I can sympathize with the guy, he just probably should've picked a more legitimate news source. By doing it on Letterman he ends up sounding like that crazy guy who's always shouting at the hot dog stand.
Nov 20 2006Britney Spears to give away sex tape
According to a family friend, Britney Spears is "seriously thinking about" giving away a digitally re-mastered copy of her sex tape for free so Kevin Federline can't make any money off of it.
"Brit figures she'll beat that sucker to the punch, just like she did by giving away pictures of Jayden James," said Spears family friend Nyla Price, 55, the owner of Nyla's Burger Basket. "Half of nuthin' is nuthin', and that's what her lying skunk of a husband will get if she gives that video away before he can find some sleazeball to buy it." Federline has been saying the sex tape is four hours long, however, Price says the tape is closer to forty-five minutes
This is like a battle of wits between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline to see who can screw each other over the most. I'd compare it to an intricate game of chess but it's really more like a pig wrestling contest. I picture each of them staying up late at night trying to put together battle plans, furiously scribbling on a notepad with their tongue sticking out. Then when you look at the notepad it's just a bunch of numbers, with some of the 3's facing the wrong way.
Nov 20 2006Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes kiss forever
What does a wedding kiss look like that goes on for so long guests have to yell at you to stop? A little something like this. If it looks unnatural keep in mind kissing a real woman isn't quite the same as kissing a practice mannequin.
Nov 20 2006Michael Richards is a racist clown
Michael Richards - Kramer from Seinfeld - completely lost it at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood Friday night, spewing racial epithets after being playfully heckled by a black guy and his friends. You can watch the video here, although it's a pretty sad sight and I wouldn't recommend it if you're easily offended.
The camera started rolling just as Richards began his attack, screaming at one of the men, "Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass." Richards continued, "You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherfucker. Throw his ass out. He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger, look, there's a nigger!" The crowd is visibly and audibly confused and upset. Richards responds by saying, "They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a nigger."
At the end he just walks off the stage defeated, secure in the knowledge he may be the saddest human being on the planet. The only way it could've been any more pathetic is if he slipped on a banana peel on his way off and his wallet fell out to reveal it empty of cash and filled with Arby's coupons.
Nov 20 2006Britney Spears drops her pants in public
After just one night with Paris Hilton Britney Spears has already started dropping her pants in public. While hanging out with Paris at club Tryst over the weekend, Britney decided to ditch her pants and dance around the club in her fishnet stockings.
I've been through high school. I know what peer pressure is like. Considering this is Paris Hilton we're dealing with it's a wonder all Britney did was drop her pants. Any weaker person would've ended up naked in a Motel 6 with some guy named Sergio, his camcorder, and a variety of anxious farm animals.
Nov 20 2006Kate Hudson gets divorced
Chris Robinson filed for divorce from Kate Hudson Friday after six years of marriage, citing irreconcilable differences. Which means Kate must have something seriously wrong with her if she looks this good and her husband - who looks like he's given up on soap showers - still wants to divorce her. Judging by their difference in hotness he could've come home to see her taking a dump in his underwear drawer and it still should've been okay.
Nov 20 2006Britney Spears gets it on Saved By the Bell style
Guess who Britney Spears was seen partying with in Vegas over the weekend. If you answered A.C. Slater you're demented as hell but you'd also be right. Britney was spotted at the Palms Casino Resort wearing a pink wig and big, dark sunglasses, talking with the owner and then going into their recording studio to mix some tracks for her new album. She was introduced to Mario Lopez at The Mint - the Palms' high-limit lounge where she won $10,000 in Blackjack - and the two, along with a small group, went up to Moon Nightclub to party together. Additionally, Britney was seen partying with Paris Hilton at the Tryst Nightclub in the Wynn.
So basically to deal with her divorce she's picked the most bizarre group of people possible to hang around. It's like some weird fantasy world where she gets dinner with Captain Hook and then heads back to her hotel room with that guy on the Pringles box.
More of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton at Tryst after the jump.
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Nov 20 2006Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are so married
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes finally got married over the weekend at the 15th-century castle in Bracciano, Italy, and the spectacle included fireworks and a "never-ending kiss" which went for so long Georgio Armani (who also designed all the clothes) says guests had to shout, "stop, stop!"
If you check out the wedding photo you'll notice Tom Cruise is standing taller than Katie Holmes which isn't the case at all. Some will probably argue they asked Katie to squat under her wedding dress or some other demeaning nonsense but I'm sticking to my original theory: the magic of Scientology. And in an ironic twist, Tom Cruise is the one who looks surpremely unhappy in the wedding photo, almost as if he realizes he finally took this charade too far.
A closeup of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes after the jump.
Continue Reading "Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are so married"
