Nov 17 2006Tina Fey speaks the truth
Tina Fey was on the Howard Stern show yesterday and said that Paris Hilton was a piece of shit and looked like a transvestite up close. She also revealed that Paris asked the SNL writers to make a skit where she could play Jessica Simpson "because I hate her ... she's fat." I recommend you read the entire thing because it's pure gold:
Howard Stern: What is Paris Hilton like?
Tina Fey: She's a piece of shit. The people at SNL were like maybe she'll be fun, maybe she won't take herself so seriously. She takes herself so seriously! She's unbelievably dumb and so proud of how dumb she is. She looks like a tranny up close.
Howard Stern: Was she bad on SNL, was she hard to deal with?
Tina Fey: She was awful. People never come in and say "I'm not doing that." So, this guy Jim Downey wrote a really really funny sketch, it was supposed to be Lorne Michaels just finding out that she had a sex tape and telling her she couldn't host the show because SNL has standards... So she was like "I'm not doing it!" and refused to come out of her dressing room. Also, you would walk down the hall and find what just looked like nasty wads of Barbie hair on the stairs... Her hair is like a Fraggle.
Howard Stern: Did she give you ideas for sketches?
Tina Fey: Yeah, she wanted to make fun of all the girls she hates. She was like "I want to play Jessica Simpson, I hate her." She would come in the room and say "you should do a show about Jessica Simpson because she's fat."
Howard Stern: What was the bet you guys had going about her?
Tina Fey: The cast had a bet if she would ask anyone on the cast anything about themselves, you know like how are you? where are you from? anything. I think Seth Meyers won because at one point, she asked him if Maya Rudolf was Italian.
I don't know what it means to be a hero. If it's saving children's lives and pulling dogs out of burning buildings then yeah, I guess I am a hero. But if it means calling Paris Hilton a tranvestite on national radio then by golly Tina Fey is a hero. Some might even say the greatest hero ever to have lived.
NOTE: Does it make any sense that I'm littering a post about TIna Fey with pictures of Paris Hilton? Of course not. But why make sense when you can make love. Chica bow wow.
Nov 17 2006Paris Hilton gets drunk, slips nipple
A super duper drunk Paris Hilton and a super duper drunk Stavros Niarchos were seen stumbling into Paris Hilton's home together last night. And it just wouldn't be Paris Hilton without her drunkenly exposing her nipple. Which has become so common it's not even worth mentioning anymore. It'd be like pointing out everytime Michael Jackson does something weird or Gary Coleman has to beg for rent money. Or everytime I nail a supermodel. Just assume it's happening three times a night and move on.
You can click the above shot for the NSFW version, but it's nothing you haven't already seen.
Nov 17 2006Angelina Jolie points the finger
Following the arrest of three of Angelina Jolie's bodyguards after they allegedly roughed up parents and students at a school in India, Angelina issued a statement, saying:
"It is not surprising that the press involved failed to mention their share of the responsibility in the chaos. As for this horrible rumor that someone referred to a local man as a 'bloody Indian,' let me say this: I would never work with anyone that was derogatory towards another man's race. My family is of mixed race."
It doesn't matter what the press was doing because they weren't the ones pushing around children. You could throw a hundred photographers in my face and there'd never be a moment where I'd think to myself: "I really feel the need to beat up some kids and their parents." I mean I might do it anyway, but I wouldn't think about it. How else am I supposed to get their candy?
Nov 17 2006Lindsay Lohan is suicidal, possible lesbian
Lindsay Lohan has been spotted with scars on her wrist, suggesting she may have taken up the super healthy habit of cutting herself. Her publicist denies the rumor, though, saying she scraped herself in a fall in some bushes. Which, uh, is the worst excuse I've ever heard. She should have said she got into a fight with some street thugs, because randomly falling into bushes is almost as stupid as cutting yourself.
And just cause, here are some shots of Lindsay Lohan kissing fashion designer Donna Karan on the mouth at the Donna Karan Gold Party. Something about their demeanor makes them actually look like lesbian lovers. Although that last shot of Donna Karan petting Lindsay's hair is a little creepy. I picture her saying: "C'mon baby, I'll be gentle. Is this your first time? Just relax, baby." Just like my aunt used to say. Oh, God. *runs off to take a scalding hot shower*
Nov 17 2006Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes really are getting married
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are set to wed tomorrow at Odescalchi Castle in Bracciano, Italy. And because of all the attention they've brought to the town the mayor waived the $50,000 fee to use the facility. Additionally, Tom Cruise's ex Nicole Kidman sent Tom and Katie a wedding present with a note that "wished them both a lifetime of happiness together."
I wonder when they'll announce the color of the fake spaceship they've got set up for their big entrance. Or how long the laser show is gonna last. There's still so much we don't know!
Nov 16 2006Lindsay Lohan is a sarcastic bitch
GQ has the weirdest most sarcastic interview with Lindsay Lohan ever on their site:
Can we tell people we're doing this interview in the men's room at Yankee Stadium?
Yes. And tell them that we're dating.
Does it make you sad that celebrity magazines never write about you?
It does. I really wish they would do more. I'm trying to become friends with all the cool famous people, the ones that go to clubs all the time - try to get into those tabloids a little more.
Tell me about an average day in the life of Lindsay Lohan.
It starts out with a 5 a.m. hike through Runyon Canyon to watch the sunrise. Then I go outside, and I try to find the paparazzi. I go down to Robertson Boulevard, try and search for them, find them, and bring them food.
And then what do you do at night?
Well, of course, I'm sitting at the computer all night.
Have you ever read anything interesting about yourself on the Internet?
No. I wish they'd be clever and make something up for me.
There's some interesting stuff about you. Irocman39 in Skokie, Illinois, says you're the "smokinest woman on the face of the earth" -
God bless him.
- and that he wouldn't kick you out of bed for eating saltines.
I don't eat. Don't you people know? It's all about anorexia and bulimia nervosa.
After computer time, when do you go to bed?
No later than 9:30 p.m. - ever. On a good night, it's eight fifteen.
I'm sure this is supposed to be very clever and biting but it's just annoying as hell. Especially when she jokes about being anorexic and bulimic when she actually was anorexic and bulimic. Sarcasm doesn't work if the shit you're being sarcastic about is actually true. At least she kept it classy for the photoshoot. And by classy I mean not classy. And by photoshoot I mean hamburger. Wait, what?
A ton more of Lindsay Lohan from the GQ shoot after the jump.
Nov 16 2006Angelina Jolie's bodyguads push around kids
Angelina Jolie's bodyguards allegedly got into a scuffle with parents and students today at a Muslim school where she was filming A Mighty Heart. The gates to the school had been opened to let parents fetch their children when Angelina's bodyguards started pushing everybody around, even calling one parent, "You bloody Indian."
Dallington TV, a British production company that organized the shoot, blamed the scuffle on photographers and television cameramen that it said rushed the school to get pictures of Jolie. "We had the full permission and cooperation of the school to film on the premises," Dallington said in a statement. "When the gates were opened to allow the parents in to collect their children, the paparazzi rushed the school causing confusion."
Yeah, I can see the confusion. Paparazzi and school children can look so alike. One is about 10-years old and wears a backpack, and the other is around 40 and comes running at you with 30 lbs of camera equipment yelling "Who did you sleep with last night?!" They might as well be identical twins.
Nov 16 2006Star Jones is almost too sexy
Star Jones showed up to the Dancing With The Stars afterparty looking like, uh, some sort of soul harvester. Jesus, I can't even look at it. I feel a part of myself dying everytime I gaze into her eyes. Just make sure you remember what this looks like, because if the devil were to ever take human form this is it right here.
More of Star Jones after the jump, but you'd have to be out of your mind to want to see them.
Nov 16 2006Jessica Biel and Derek Jeter get it on
Derek Jeter and the ridiculously fit Jessica Biel were spotted together Tuesday night at Hyde. The couple were huddled in a corner of the club and seen "laughing and giggling together."
At one point, Jessica, voted Esquire's "sexiest woman alive" in 2005, went to the restroom and three girls quickly scurried over to chat with Jeter. But as soon as Biel returned, he put all his attention on her. The two left together. A Biel rep didn't return calls.
Sure, she's got the roundest ass ever witnessed by human eyes, but why would you want to date a woman who could bench press more than you? I don't even think pictures exist of her not exercising. You could sneak into her bathroom and take pictures of her on the toilet and when you got home to check them she'd somehow be doing pushups and leg curls.
More of Jessica after the jump, but they're all basically the same.
Nov 16 2006Michael Jackson is greedy greedy greedy
So not only was Michael Jackson's performance at the World Music Awards highly disappointing, but apparently he had one of the most expensive concert riders ever. His set of demands cost more than $470,000 and included a private jet, 20 first-class and business-class plane tickets for his entourage, a five-star hotel that cost almost $100,000 a night, and KFC.
What kind of crazy ass hotel costs $100,000 a night? And who exactly are their target customers? There are maybe six people in the world who could actually afford something like that. Whoever was in charge of getting the World Music Awards put together really dropped the ball here. If anybody asks for a hotel costing $100,000 a night you say no. And then you slap them in the face for even suggesting it. Their money would've been better spent being flushed down the toilet or fed to a rabid bear.
Nov 16 2006Michael Jackson sucks balls, not children's
Michael Jackson made his stage comeback yesterday night in London at the World Music Awards, but reviews have been incredibly bad, some calling it a flop, an "embarrassing comeback", and the Sun even gave it a one out of a possible five stars. Reports also mention that he only sang four lines and couldn't hit his high notes. And to make sure the entire night was dedicated to mediocrity, Lindsay Lohan hosted the show, but was booed twice when she messed up her lines. The only way the event could've been any more of a joke is if they invited somebody like Paris Hilton to attend. Oh wait, check.
Nov 15 2006Paris Hilton still being photographed
It's been awhile since Paris HIlton has done anything so I figured I'd put up these shots of her at the World Music Awards to remind you what she looks like. Although Paris Hilton attending the World Music Awards is like Mariah Carey attending the Oscars. Or Paris Hilton attending the Oscars. Or Paris Hilton attending any event which requires any sort of skill or talent. You'd think her contributions to the world of music would have her banned from things like this by now. Ya know, or shot.
Nov 15 2006George Clooney is sexiest man alive
They must've missed all your write in votes for me because People magazine has named George Clooney Sexiest Man Alive for 2006, joining Brad Pitt as a two-time honoree. On being awarded the honor Clooney says:
"This one's going to be hard for Brad (Pitt) since he's been Sexiest Man Alive twice. He's enjoyed that mantle. I'd say 'Sexiest Man Alive' to him and he'd go, 'Two-time.' So that's been taken away. We used to call him Two Time. So Brad's going to be upset."
We can all agree that George Clooney is famous - he certainly is famous - but sexiest man alive? I saw at least three guys sexier on my way to lunch. I also saw three mirrors. Coincidence? I think not.
Nov 15 2006Kevein Federline writes mean stuff on doors
The day after Britney Spears filed for divorce, the always ridiculous Kevin Federline used a Sharpie to write a message on the shower door of his dressing room at the House of Blues in Chicago where he performed, saying:
Today I'm a free man
Ladies look out
Fuck a wife
Give me my kids Bitch!
I mean there's class, and then there's class. And then there's this guy, who has so much class he makes the Monopoly man look like a hobo. God forbid K-Fed ever gets a tuxedo, because the world isn't ready for a man so classy grape juice would actually transform itself into wine for him.
NOTE: This clown has the handwriting of a kindergartner. It's a wonder he even managed to spell words instead of just drawing a bunch of stars and smiley faces.
Nov 15 2006Naomi Campbell strikes again
Naomi Campbell was sued again yesterday by a former maid who claims she assulted her while making bigoted remarks. The court papers call Campbell a "violent super-bigot" and claims she said things like: "You are not in the Third World any more, stupid" and "Romanians are not usually as dumb as you" all while kicking or punching the maid in the back of the head as she searched the closet for a pair of jeans.
They actually called her a 'violent super-bigot.' That's like a whole other class of bigot usually reserved for old men who live in secret lairs and plan the destruction of all those "damned Jews." Ya know, like Mel Gibosn. Zing!
Nov 15 2006Nicole Richie denies gastric bypass
Nicole Richie has put up a post on her MySpace page denying the Page Six item suggesting she got gastric bypass surgery and had it reversed. She writes:
So i gain a little bit of weight, and im acussed of having a gastric bypass surgery reversed? Its pathetic of Page Six to insinuate i have done this. Anyone that knows anything about this surgery would know that legally, you must be AT LEAST 100 pounds overweight to even have the surgery done, and is a serious, life changing procedure; not one to throw around as a joke or a rumor. Ive given a statement I am in the process of putting on weight, and that should be enough. Its a shame to hear that instead of hearing supportive words, someone needs to spin it into some negative, absurd way
Yeah that's pretty much what I figured. If she'd actually gotten the surgery this story would've been totally different. Namely she'd be dead. And I'd be writing about how doctors found her 32 lb corpse on the kitchen floor, too frail and weak to even get the fridge door open.
Nov 14 2006Rachel Weisz is not a medical expert
Rachel Weisz has pissed off a bunch of people after saying it's "fine" for women to drink a glass of wine after the first three months of pregnancy. She adds:
"I mean in Europe they drink it."
If you read the entire article there's a bunch of expert opinions saying she's incredibly wrong, but long story short: alcohol and babies don't mix. Unless it's at a fancy party and they're dressed in tuxedos. Then a glass of champagne and a cigar are encouraged. I mean, little babies playing grown up? That's just adorable.
NOTE: I used a picture of Rachel Weisz in her Halloween costume to emphasize the fact she has no idea what she's talking about. Do you really wanna take medical advice from a woman who looks like that? You might as well get your breast exams from a circus clown. Or me. Whatever's clever.
Nov 14 2006Gwen Stefani has seen better days
Gwen Stefani was spotted leaving her hotel in London over the weekend looking like she just finished a cage match against an angry badger. And her son Kingston looks cute as hell as a miniature special ops operative. I picture him crossing into hostile territory and taking out enemy leaders armed with nothing but a knife and his sippy cup. And maybe a jar of applesauce if he gets hungry.
Some more after the jump, but they're all basically the same.
Nov 14 2006Oprah not invited to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes arrived in Rome yesterday to prepare for their upcoming wedding over the weekend, but sources have confirmed that Oprah wasn't invited to the ceremony. Despite being the launching pad for their wacky interstellar relationship, Oprah just didn't make the cut. She says:
"It's not that I'm not going. It's that they had a limited number of people that they could invite. I was not one the invitees. That's fine. I don't get invited to everyone's wedding. I don't invite them to everything I do. But I wish them the best. I have a great deal of regard for their relationship and so I'm trying to think of what to get them. I don't know! I was thinking ... I'm easier (to shop for) - you can get me a bubble bath I'm okay - but I don't know what to give them."
Additionally, Katie Holmes' alleged new best friend and Tom Cruise's mortal enemy, Brooke Shields, is set to attend. Which makes absolutely no sense. Unlike their belief in intergalactic space lords. That stuff's rock solid.
Nov 14 2006Kevin Federline to sell sex tape
In the smartest - and sleaziest - move yet, Kevin Federline is using his alleged 4-hour sex tape with Britney Spears to leverage custody of the children and $30 million. He's already been offered $50 million by companies wanting to distribute it on the web, but says he'd sell it back to Britney for $30 million and custody of their two kids. A source close to Federline says:
"At the time the two of them were in the honeymoon stages of the relationship and couldn't keep their hands off each other. They did nothing all day but have sex - and play the odd game of chess. They were insatiable and they believed they would be together forever. Britney didn't think twice about making the video at the time. She mistakenly believed that their love would last. They adored filming each other. They lived their lives in front of the cameras - even making a short-lived reality TV show of their exploits. Sex was no different to them, it seems. Now this video could prove very costly to her. Millions of people will be prepared to pay to watch. Kevin has told Britney she should comply with his demands otherwise the whole world will see her having sex, which will be devastating. At the moment Kev is in talks with a company in Arizona about putting the four-hour sex vid online. If it all goes to plan he'll make [$50 million] from it."
If Britney doesn't cave and hand over the children I'm sure a judge will. Because when you see a man of such moral character and integrity as Kevin Federline there's no way you can deny him the privelege of raising children. This guy makes Abraham Lincoln look like Hitler.
And just cause, here are some shots of Britney Spears rocking a Santa hat in mid Novemeber at a New York pharmacy. Don't ask what's going on in that above shot, because even God himself wouldn't be able to tell you.
Nov 13 2006Nicole Richie may have had gastric bypass surgery
Page Six has a blind item today asking: "Which young Hollywood starlet had secret gastric bypass surgery, but then lost too much weight? During a recent four-day stint at a health clinic, she was actually having an operation to remove the bypass."
Which sounds a lot like it could be Nicole Richie. If it is her, then it turns out she's not anorexic at all, just ridiculously stupid. You don't get gastric bypass surgery when you're 12 pounds overweight. That's like killing a spider with a hammer. And by hammer I mean the hammer that's glued to the missile you shot at it.
Nov 13 2006Angelina Jolie rides the train
For some reason, Angelina Jolie getting on a commuter train is big enough news that every major news agency is reporting on it. She bought tickets from a city station and boarded the Mumbai train but was so well protected by bodyguards that nobody could get near her for an autograph. And that's it. She got on a train and wouldn't sign autographs. That's the news. I don't want to tell Reuters or the AP how to do their job, but if they're actually paying people to write these articles they might as well be shooting their money out of a cannon into an elephant's butt. This is the sort of hard edged investigative reporting you'd expect from a 3-year old.
Nov 13 2006Tara Reid cleans herself up
Tara Reid showed up to the screening of The Fountain at the AFI Festival in Los Angeles over the weekend looking like an actual decent human being. It almost makes you forget what's hiding behind that dress of hers. Namely the world's most disfigured body and possibly the least functional brain on the planet. If these pictures had been taken two years ago she would've been lying on the floor on all fours, half naked and crying because everybody was taking turns urinating on her. And the only shocking thing about the whole ordeal would be that she was sober.
More of Tara Reid looking oddly presentable after the jump.
Nov 13 2006Jude Law and Sienna Miller call it quits
I thought this already happened like six months ago, but Jude Law and Sienna Miller are officially splitting for good. A friend close to Jude says:
"It's a mutual decision. They have definitely come to the end of the road. They tried to make it work but it failed."
Either the time machine I built in my basement has finally started working or these clowns are so out of things to do they've started repeating themselves. I'm leaning towards the latter, but the caveman I saw going through my garbage makes me wonder.
Nov 13 2006Pamela Anderson hates the paparazzi
Pamela Anderson has a little rant on her official site regarding the incident with Denise Richards last week that ended with her throwing laptops off balconies and hitting senior citizens in wheelchairs. She writes:
Can't believe set is surrounded by loser paparazzi - not Canadian - all American and European...Leave us alone!!! They are being super idiots!!! Yelling rude stuff. They need to really go home! What is the big deal? All these big hairy men attacking us girls. A-holes!!!Things are silly here in Vancouver. We're innocently shooting our movie! So many photographers and creepy camera phones...This is Canada - it can't be Canadians. Paparazzi were shouting out "no wonder you can't keep a relationship together" to Denise. Denise walked up to them. They threatened her and something happened. A computer bounced off the floor and pieces went everywhere, from what I hear. Thank god no one was hurt. I didn't see it as I was too busy yelling at my producer for something else that got leaked out in press. Normally I don't care but I feel protective of Denise - I can relate. If it were me I would've thrown the photographers over the edge- they got lucky.
Meanwhile the movie is super hot. We already have a 1,200 theatre release date around May 25th. Very exciting....The crew is always cracking up and so am I - hard to keep a straight face. The Farrelly's are hysterical. And cute! Anyway. I'll keep up my diary. Really the show is behind the scenes....ha
"All these big hairy men attacking us girls." That's pretty much the best description of paparazzi I've ever heard. They're not even just assholes anymore, now they're potential rapists. Although for some reason Pamela decides to "thank God no one was hurt" during the incident. I guess senior citizens in wheelchairs no longer count as people. Which makes sense because they're super old and smell funny. Plus they're this close to death anyway so who cares.
Nov 13 2006Tobey Maguire has a baby
Tobey Maguire and his fiance, jewely designer Jennifer Meyer, had a baby daughter last friday. And she pretty much got the shaft, because besides being the bastard child of an unwed couple, her parents are like the opposite of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Pitt and Jolie's kid is destined to conquer the world with her good looks whereas this kid is probably gonna be forced to live in a cave in the mountains.
