Nov 10 2006Kevin Federline has demands
The Smoking Gun got their hands on a copy of Kevin Federline's backstage demands. Included are a bottle of Jack Daniel's, a bottle of Grey Goose, six bottles of specifically non-Evian water, a tray of gourmet cheeses, and a bunch of other crap he has no right to ask for. He had to give away tickets to his last concert, meaning he's got about as much star power as the assistant manager of an IHOP. The only thing that should be on this list is "Nobody hiding in my room to beat me up" and maybe - maybe - "A place to sit."
Nov 10 2006Britney Spears still has wedding ring, big boobs
Britney Spears still hasn't removed her wedding ring yet, although I don't see how anybody is looking at her hands when she's always got her gigantic new jugs on display. There could be an astronaut having a laser gun fight with a cowboy in the background and if you showed me these pictures of her arriving at Sony Studios in New York I'd still be like, "You're right, her new breasts are amazing." Then I'd do that thing where you make helicopter noises and pretend to rub your face between them. You can't teach class like that.
Nov 10 2006Ryan Phillippe says made up things
Ryan Phillippe hired and fired a new public relations guy in a matter of a few hours because he made up quotes and gave them to In Touch for their cover story.
In Touch quotes Phillippe as saying in an "exclusive interview," "I'm not jealous of her, that's so far from the truth. She's someone who's very talented and works hard. I've done well, too - that was never an issue." Phillippe was also quoted, "This is the hardest time of my life - I miss my family."
If you're gonna make up quotes at least make 'em entertaining. Like: "Reese complained my 12" boner was too much man for her."
Nov 10 2006Lindsay Lohan shows some nipple
It's impossible to top her bare genitals, but Lindsay Lohan was spotted shopping at Barney's and Fred Segal in Beverly Hills over the weekend going braless in a see through sailor top. At least I think it's a sailor top. That's either an anchor on her shirt or she just really wants people to know where her vagina is. Maybe she's started sleeping with virgins and the arrow is to help them figure out where they're supposed to insert. Although since it's Lindsay she'd also need one on the back and another facing her head. And then maybe on the front in big bold letters 'At the same time' with a little picture of a donkey.
A few more of Lindsay Lohan in her sailor top after the jump.
Nov 10 2006Pamela Anderson suffers miscarriage
A rep for Pamela Anderson has confirmed she suffered a miscarriage while in Canada filming Blonde and Blonder. A source confirms that instead of going to the hospital to be treated a doctor came to her to determine the miscarriage, and that the stress and pressure of her filming schedule are believed to have caused it.
"She will keep trying. She really wants another baby with Bob," says the source.
There's not much you can say about a miscarriage so I won't. But I do want to know who the fuck this Bob person is she's trying to have a baby with. Unless they're implying Kid Rock is some sort of stage name. I always just thought it was a delightful coincidence he wound up in music.
Nov 9 2006Lindsay Lohan says mean things about Paris Hilton
Guess who called Paris Hilton a cunt? If you couldn't figure it out from the title you might have a learning disability. Or you're stupid. Either way you probably don't even understand what I'm saying now. I could type 'gfFJ b32 a4fq23bf' and it'd make as much sense. Maybe even more because there are numbers. And everybody can read numbers.
Thanks to the luscious Victoria for the tip.
Nov 9 2006Kevin Federline can't afford rent
Remember when I was joking that Kevin Federline might have to move back into his dumpster? Well turns out I wasn't joking. A rent check from before K-Fed met Britney has made its way onto eBay with 'INSUFFICIENT FUNDS' stamped on it. Although proving K-Fed used to be a hobo is about as tough as proving you could grate stone on my abs. All you gotta do is look, baby.
Nov 9 2006Denise Richards attacks the handicapped
Denise Richards lost it yesterday after seeing two unauthrorized photographers on the Canadian set of her movie Blonde and Blonder. She approached them and threw their laptops off the balcony of the hotel, which ended up striking "an 80-year-old women in a wheelchair. It struck her in the arm. She was not interested in pursuing criminal charges and suffered only minor injuries." The Royal Canadian Mounted Police were called in, although no charges have been filed and the movie production company agreed to pay for the damanges to the photographers' computers.
Howard Blank, a representative of the Blonde and Blonder production, said, "No one was seriously injured in any way." He said the events were "getting blown way out of proportion." Blank added, "As a precaution first aid was called. An ambulance was called, which is also routine. No one was transferred to the hospital at all. Everything is fine." Richards and cast members were "very upset" about the incident, Blank said, and after filming was halted for an hour it then resumed and continued until 8 in the evening.
How did this actually happen? It's like a scene from some poorly written comedy. Nobody could really be stupid enough to throw a laptop off a balcony. She might as well have driven a truck through the Special Olympics, running over children while saying: "Are we still on the road? I think we missed a turn back there."
Nov 9 2006Kevin Federline wants money and the kids
Kevin Federline counter-filed court papers yesterday seeking sole custody of their two children as well as - wait for it - spousal support. He says the couple's community assets are "uncertain" even though Britney Spears said in her divorce papers there were none to speak of because they signed a prenup.
"Kevin is prepared to go the distance in order to do what he feels is necessary to protect and safeguard the children and will not be intimidated or dissuaded from pursuit of those goals," said Michael Sands, spokesman for Federline's attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan.
If this thing goes to court the judge is gonna take a long hard look at Kevin and Britney and just hand custody over to a pair of raccoons he saw at the park. And sure they might have rabies, but that just means they're only slightly more qualified than either of these two.
Nov 9 2006Britney Spears' breast is acting strange
I consider myself an expert when it comes to breasts, but I don't think I've ever seen anything like this before. It looks like she's wearing one of those strapless bra cups, only she's not. That's her skin. It's like a reverse tan line, which has me convinced the woman I saw at the beach in a full body suit with the boobs cut out really was Britney Spears. Everybody was all "That's just your sex doll, pervert." But I knew the truth.
Nov 8 2006Faith Hill flips out at CMA's
I wasn't going to post this because it's super old and I don't care about Faith HIll, but the emails in my inbox suggest some of you might. If you haven't already seen it keep your eyes on Faith Hill when they announce the winner. The only way she could've gotten any more owned is if a fist came flying in from off camera and punched her in the face.
Nov 8 2006Kevin Federline gives away tickets
Because he had a pathetic 20% turnout in New York this weekend, K-Fed has dropped the price of tickets to his performance at the House of Blues in Chicago tonight to a whopping $0.00. That's zero. As in free. As in he's giving his tickets away for free. I'd joke that soon he'll be paying people to see him perform, but the thought of him with any money after Britney divorces him is too ridiculous to even joke about.
Nov 8 2006Britney Spears may or may not have a sex tape
Fleshbot has posted a 19-second clip off PornoTube that's allegedly from a Britney Spears sex tape featuring her in dark hair giving Kevin Federline a blowjob. I'm not an expert on Britney Spears' face or K-Fed's penis so I can't make any claims to its validity, but you can check out the 100% NSFW clip and judge for yourself. Although be warned, because if it is real then after seeing it you will never again in your life be able to honestly say you haven't seen Kevin Federline's naked penis.
UPDATE: A ton of readers reached into their encyclopedic knowledge of porn and wrote in saying this isn't Britney, but just some random amateur girl from a super long time ago. Yay for perverts!
Nov 8 2006Lindsay Lohan crashes into paparazzi
Lindsay Lohan was involved in another car accident yesterday when she was rear-ended by the paparazzi in Los Angeles around 2am.
"She was apparently able to drive a short distance from the crash," says a source. "But she later pulled over and called a friend to pick her up." Lohan's rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, confirmed the accident, but had no information on the "Bobby" star's condition or whether she had filed a police report.
She was also involved in a car accident in May of 2005 and another one five months later. Add up every accident she's ever had and that's like, what, four hundred? Million? It sort of defeats the purpose of a driver's license if you can get one without actually being able to drive. You think my fists would be licensed killing machines if I couldn't punch through a solid wall of bricks?
Nov 8 2006Britney Spears' boobs are huge
After filing for divorce yesterday, Britney Spears spent the night at New York's Baldoria looking like Kevin Federline is some sort of boob-shrinking machine. Because the second he's out of the picture her boobs just exploded back to their wonderful original size. And by original size I mean the size I imagined them to be in my fantasies from eight years ago. You remember eight years ago, right? It was a better time. A time when Kevin Federline didn't exist yet and unicorns still roamed the Earth.
More of Britney Spears and her oddly gigantic rack after the jump.
Nov 8 2006Kevin Federline was told over text message
Kevin Federline was told about the divorce over a text message while he was shooting an episode of Exposed. Much News has footage of him getting the text message, and he apparently removed his mic and was gone for 30 minutes before returning to finish shooting the episode. Which is slightly better than the reaction I would've expected: repeatedly yelling "Now I have to move back into the dumpster!" while sobbing uncontrollably.
Nov 8 2006Britney Spears does stuff after announcing divorce
I don't know what's going on, but the only available news today has to do with Britney Spears. People magazine has even dedicated a 'day after' article updating with everything she does today. So far they have:
12:30 p.m. ET: Spears remains in New York City on Wednesday after a night out shopping at the Gap, ice-skating at Rockefeller Center and dining out with pals in midtown.
12:45 ET: Meanwhile, Federline is in Chicago where he is due to perform at the House of Blues tonight. The Chicago Tribune reports that ticket sales for the concert have been so sluggish that the venue is giving them away (with the exception of a $2.25 convenience charge). No word on whether sales have picked up since news of the couple's split.
So unless somebody famous starts killing people, odds are the only news there'll be today willl have to do with Britney. But mostly I'm just trying to get something up to cover up the fact that I totally overslept.
Nov 7 2006Britney Spears files for divorce
Britney Spears filed for divorce today citing "irreconcilable differences" and asking for both legal and physical custody of their two children with K-Fed getting reasonable visitation rights. As for money, the two have already signed a prenup, although Britney is waiving her right to spousal support. She's also asking the judge to make each party pay their own attorney's fees, which means when they show up in court Britney is gonna have her expensive celebrity lawyer and K-Fed is gonna have half a hot dog because he couldn't afford the rest.
Britney also gives the date of separation as yesterday, which is the same day she showed up on David Letterman's show looking oddly good. I don't want to imply Kevin Federline was the cancer in this relationship, but if we still remember who this guy is in 6 months it'll be a testament to how far we've fallen as a society.
Nov 7 2006Elisha Cuthbert has seen better days
I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking at here. The email that went with them said it was Elisha Cuthbert but I'm thinking the sender must've gotten mixed up and sent in pictures of the old bag lady that lives down the street. Hey, if you've got hot Elisha Cuthbert pictures you don't want to share that's cool man, but don't send in this crap pretending it's her. Or at least find a crazy old grandma that actually looks like her, and not just some random woman you saw lumping her way down the road.
Thanks to Lee for the pictures. Maybe 'thanks' isn't the right word.
Nov 7 2006Matthew McConaughey is a gentleman
Matthew McConaughey says he once turned down sex with two sisters because he didn't want bad karma. He tells Loaded magazine:
"Two sisters once offered themselves to me. But they weren't single and one wanted to get away from her husband. I don't jive with that. You don't sleep with someone's lady if they're married because it will return and bite you in the ass."
Although judging by the above shots of him celebrating his 37th birthday you wouldn't think a little something like a wedding ring would get in the way of him having sex. Heck, a tail probably wouldn't get in the way of him having sex. He'd just push it aside, grunt a little, and then maybe ask his date why she has a snout. She'd bark, he'd shrug his shoulders, then he'd finish lighting the scented candles and get on with it.
Nov 7 2006Britney Spears looks surprisingly good on David Letterman
Britney Spears popped in for a surprise visit to David Letterman yesterday to show off a new bob (is that what it's called? I usually just call it hair) and her newly slim figure. And if you ignore the painfully rehearsed dialogue, Britney actually looks pretty decent. Judging from her more recent appearances I would've expected her to roll onto stage without any shoes on and then perform some armpit farts for the audience.
Nov 7 2006Kirstie Alley has no shame
In case yesterday's thumbnails weren't good enough here's video of Kirstie Alley's bikini appearance on Oprah yesterday. From the ribcage up she actually looks pretty good. But then my eyes wander south and I get all confused because I thought this was supposed to be Kirstie Alley. On Oprah. How did I suddenly end up at the zoo?
Nov 7 2006Kevin Federline just as pathetic as you imagined
Kevin Federline reportedly begged to keep his New York gig at Webster Hall despite only 300 people showing up to the 1,500 capacity club. And as if that weren't sad enough, he was scheduled to go on at 7pm but there were so few people he waited for three hours in hopes more fans would appear. A bartender there says:
"They were going to cancel this concert, but he begged them to keep it on," a Webster Hall bartender told Star. "He had to fight with them to keep this concert. He was holding things up because there weren't enough fans. It was a bad idea - he shouldn't have neglected the fans who were there." Federline's performance has been described as "mercifully short." Britney Spears's hubby only rapped for about half an hour and, reports one eyewitness, "seemed really confused about how to act on stage. He would pace from one side of the stage to the other, just saying things like, 'Hey' thirty times in a row or 'New York, thank you for coming - buy my CD.'"
I am shocked - shocked I say - that Kevin Federline isn't the thrilling performer he claims to be. When I see this guy asleep on his lawn with a bag of Cheetos in one hand and a Playboy in the other I think to myself: "This is a performer. This is a man with the charisma and talent to go all the way." So when I hear reports that his performance may have been any less than spectacular I am shocked. Shocked.
Continue Reading "Kevin Federline just as pathetic as you imagined"
Nov 6 2006Kirstie Alley wears a bikini on Oprah
If you watch today's Oprah you'll be treated to Kirstie Alley showing off her newly slimmed body (she dropped 75 lbs) in a bikini. And I use the word 'treated' in the loosest possible sense, since looking at her is still akin to sticking your penis in the garbage disposal. She looks way better than before, but considering she used to have the gravitational mass of the moon the only way she wouldn't look better is if she grew a third arm out of her forehead and her skin was replaced by mold.
Nov 6 2006Eva Longoria wishes she was made of bronze
Eva Longoria showed up to the "Harsh Times" premiere looking like she had some harsh times of her own. Get it? Harsh times? See what I did there? When future historians speak of my greatness I hope they remember me for my words, and not for my rugged good looks that united a nation.
More of Eva Longoria looking like she attended Victoria Beckham's School of Over Tanning after the jump.
Continue Reading "Eva Longoria wishes she was made of bronze"
Nov 6 2006Neil Patrick Harris is gay
Neil Patrick Harris says he's gay and tells People magazine:
"The public eye has always been kind to me, and until recently I have been able to live a pretty normal life. Now it seems there is speculation and interest in my private life and relationships. So, rather than ignore those who choose to publish their opinions without actually talking to me, I am happy to dispel any rumors or misconceptions and am quite proud to say that I am a very content gay man living my life to the fullest and feel most fortunate to be working with wonderful people in the business I love."
What is this "speculation and interest" in his private life that he speaks of? I don't think anybody has thought about Doogie Howser for the past 10 years. This would be like Gary Coleman crawling out of the backseat of the car he's been living in to announce he's gay. Only less interesting, because at least Coleman is funny to look at.
Nov 6 2006Hilary Duff's stalker gets arrested
Hilary Duff's 18-year-old stalker was arrested last Friday at a Residence Inn after he threatened to kill her at an event she was scheduled to attend on Sunday.
I must've missed the last creepy stalker meeting because it seems counterproductive for a stalker to murder his subject. If this guy had any sort of experience he wouldn't be telling people he wanted to kill Hilary Duff, he would've just showed up in her bed one night, gently smelling her hair and petting it as she slept. That's what I do and you don't see me involved in any of this "arrested" business. Plus my underground lair is impossible to find so don't even try.
Nov 6 2006Paris Hilton bruises easily
Splash NewsParis Hilton was spotted shopping with her sister Nicky on Saturday, too lazy to cover up her bruises or to even change out of her pajamas. Which basically confirms that I know nothing about the physiology of insects, since I would've thought for sure her tough praying mantis exoskeleton would prevent bruising.
If you can't tell from the above shot, there's some closeups after the jump which show both her arms completely covered in bruises. I guess it's hard to make it through the day as Paris Hilton without being physically assaulted at least once.
Nov 6 2006Madonna is confused
Madonna says she believes in Jesus even though she's a member of the Kabbalah Center (which studies Jewish mysticism), celebrates Jewish holidays, and has even taken on the name Esther for Judaism.
Saying that her adopted son, David, can be Christian and follow Kabbalah as well, Madonna told the BBC, "I believe in Jesus and I study Kabbalah, so I don't see why he can't too."But Kabbalah watcher Rick Ross says that the group's leaders are wrong if they tell people that they can have it both ways. "It's historically and practically impossible for a person to be two religions simultaneously," Rick Ross of Cultnews.com tells The Scoop. "But perhaps Madonna thinks that along with her many other accomplishments, this is possible."
Let's not get into a religious debate here. Let's just agree that Madonna is completely wrong in everything she ever says or does. She could save a bus filled with disabled children and because Madonna did it they'd all turn out to be horrible serial murderers.
