Nov 3 2006Lindsay Lohan admits to not being sober
Just as everybody suspected, the 'Ninety Days' sobriety chip Lindsay Lohan wore yesterday didn't represent her own sobriety. A rep for Lindsay says:
"It was a tribute to a friend who's been sober 90 days."
There's something ironic about Lindsay Lohan celebrating a friend's sobriety. It'd be like Mel Gibson celebrating Hanukkah or Paris Hilton celebrating the formation of MENSA. Or me celebrating not having the strength of a bear and the virility of a horse.
Nov 3 2006Kanye West still a whiny little bitch
Kanye West crashed the stage of the MTV Europe Music Awards in Copenhagen yesterday when he lost Best Video to Justice and Simian's "We Are Your Friends." He started going off on a rant about why he should've won for his video "Touch The Sky," saying: "It cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it. I was jumping across canyons. If I don't win, the awards show loses credibility. Nothing against you, but hell, man." And in a post-show press conference he also admitted:
"I haven't seen [the Justice vs. Simian video]. Possibly it could have been quite good, but no way better than 'Touch the Sky'. That is complete bullshit. I paid a million. Obviously it's not all about the money, but the response it got transcended everything, it really made great TV. It took a month to film; I stood on a mountain; I flew a helicopter over Vegas. I did it to be the king of all videos and I wanted to walk home with that award."
Personally, I think my music video should've won that award. Sure, all I did was digitally edit together three minutes of Jessica Alba making out with Alessandra Ambrosio while I sang 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' in the background, but if you saw it you'd agree I should've won. You'd also agree that I'm the greatest director of our generation and should be given an honorary Nobel Prize for being awesome.
Nov 3 2006Anna Nicole Smith admits miscarriage, real father, other crap
According to a sworn declaration by Laurie Payne, a woman who spent time with Anna Nicole Smith during her pregnancy, Anna confessed in phone calls and instant messages that Larry Birkhead is the father of her baby girl and that she also miscarried another unborn baby with him prior to Dannielynn. Additionally, Payne says Anna Nicole was taking methadone and "a rather high dose of Xanax" during her pregnancy. Her son Daniel is believed to have died from a lethal combination of methadone and other prescription anti-depressants.
In an email to Payne, Anna Nicole says she had sex three times with two people during the time of conception, and that one of the two people couldn't get her pregnant because he had a vasectomy: "well one of two people once in dec and twice in jan............you do the math but I hear someone cant do what has been done." Payne also says Anna Nicole Smith said Howard K. Stern wasn't the father even though he's listed as such on the birth certificate: "I asked her why she did not just go into a relationship with Stern, to which (Anna Nicole) responded, 'EWWW...GROSS!!! No way!! I would never!'"
And here are some other gems from the declaration. Stern making fun of Daniel for being a virgin:
According to the declaration, during Christmas, 2005, Stern began to tease Anna Nicole's son Daniel "about being a 19-year-old virgin." Payne says, "....Daniel looked at Stern and stated, 'I don't know why you're worried about me, you've been around my mother for 12 years and haven't had any p*ssy either."
And Anna Nicole wishing she would fall ass flat into money.
Smith indicates in the e-mail that she's hard up for money: "I cant work now so im pretty much f....d for a bit!.....sure counting on the court to give me my money....cause all I want to do is move from this house and get a better one and just star over!....and to boot Ive gained 30 pounds im horrified.!"
If anybody were to make a documentary about Anna Nicole Smith they would have to file it under fiction because nobody would ever believe it was true. Her life is so ridiculous they could replace the footage with The Chronicles of Narnia and it'd make just as much sense.
Nov 3 2006Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie piss off terrorists
According to sources from the Intelligence Bureau, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been given Y category security (11 personnel) while shooting A Mighty Heart in New Delhi because of threats to their lives from al-Qaeda.
Maybe I've been away from the terrorist scene for too long, but this is just sad. When al-Qaeda gets together at the annual convention of evil doers everybody's just gonna make fun of them. All the other bad guys will be like "We set up a plan to destroy the world by drilling to the Earth's core" and then these al-Qaeda clowns will be like "Oh yeah? Well we tried to kill Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie." And then everybody will stare at them blankly until they all burst out in laughter and take turns giving them wedgies.
Nov 2 2006Lindsay Lohan tops Paris Hilton
I thought Paris Hilton was bad, but Lindsay Lohan showed up to a Halloween party at the Chateau Marmount dressed like whatever this thing is. Judging by the people standing behind her here I'm assuming it was a costume party. And judging by what she's wearing I'm assuming she couldn't read the flyer. Or maybe she's dyslexic. 'Costume party' and 'porno shoot' are practically the same words. I can't even tell you how many times I've gotten the two mixed up. Although the six hotels I'm banned for life from probably can.
More of Lindsay Lohan forgetting what Halloween is about after the jump.
Nov 2 2006Nicole Richie prefers shopping to living
Nicole Richie reportedly left rehab to go shopping. She checked herself into the $80,000 a month Beau Monde in Newport Beach to treat her eating disorder but less than 72 hours later she checked herself out, saying that she wanted to go shopping.
The staffers at Beau Monde begged her to stay, reports the tab, which quotes a source as saying, "Nicole is in complete denial and oblivious to how sick she really is."
The source also reports that not long after checking out she started partying with Lindsay Lohan, right about the time she passed out at Hyde. So let's review: Richie checks herself into rehab, Richie leaves rehab to go shopping, Richie passes out at Hyde. I could leave out the last part and use it to teach kindergarten kids about reasoning skills. "What happens next kids?" And they would all yell out "Nicole Richie passes out at Hyde!" and then I'd hand everybody a gold star because they already have more sense than Nicole Richie. Although to be fair, so does that guy at the zoo who rubs himself down with steak and then crawls into the lion cage while calling them all pussies.
Nov 2 2006Lindsay Lohan pretends to be sober
Lindsay Lohan was spotted yesterday wearing an AA sober chip that says 'Ninety Days.' According to AA, plain chips signify a desire to quit drinking while colored ones like this represent different lengths of sobriety. So after seeing Lindsay Lohan wearing one it's pretty clear she got drunk, then beat up a guy who's been sober for 90 days and stole his AA chip. A woman could come riding down from heaven on a winged horse declaring it to be true and I still wouldn't believe she's been sober for 90 days. Or 90 hours. I'll give her 90 seconds though, because even alcoholics can fall asleep for more than a minute and a half at a time.
A closeup of Lindsay Lohan's stolen AA chip after the jump.
Nov 2 2006Anna Nicole Smith's life still going strong
It's being revealed that Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel's autopsy shows he had up to 7 different drugs in his system at his time of death, with three of them causing a lethal combination. It's also being revealed that he had eight times the lethal dose of the drugs in his system, which means he was either really bad at following his prescription or we've got another mystery on our hands.
And if that weren't bad enough, Anna Nicole Smith is being accused of dyeing her daughter's hair to make it look like Howard K. Stern is the father. Both Anna Nicole and Larry Birkhead have naturally blonde hair while Stern is naturally black. An attorney for Birkhead says:
"It's horrendous," Opri said. "We are calling our experts right now to see if dyeing an infant's hair is any way toxic or harmful to a child."
As if it weren't already clear enough, Anna Nicole Smith is the worst mother in the world if this is true. She's basically kidnapping a child and trying to hide it by changing its appearance. She might as well tape on a mustache and be like, "I dunno, Larry. You don't have a mustache and my kid does. So...I'm pretty sure she's not yours."
Nov 1 2006Alyssa Milano and others attend Heidi Klum's Annual Halloween party
Here are some more people at Heidi Klum's Annual Halloween Party, including Alyssa Milano, Minnie Driver, Rhona Mitra, and some chick dressed as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. I'm not even sure she's a celebrity. She might actually just be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. The three I've got naked in my bed don't recognize her, but they're new. And to be honest a little dumb.
Nov 1 2006Paris Hilton sucks at Halloween
Paris Hilton attended Heidi Klum's Annual Halloween party dressed as a slut. Like a straight up slut. Like she went in thinking "I'm gonna dress up as a slut for Halloween." She didn't even bother with animal ears or her old police outfit or anything. I mean, she could've just stepped into the bathroom and drawn on some whiskers and it would've been okay. But this, I don't even know what this is. And sorry if I scared you with the above picture, I just wanted to reiterate the difference between a good Halloween costume and a bad one is. One makes you think you've stepped into a horror movie, the other makes you think it might burn the next time you pee.
More of Heidi Klum after the jump, posing with what looks to be somebody dressed as Heidi Klum. Or her sexy twin sister. Evil milk maid doppleganger?
Nov 1 2006Anna Nicole Smith has pneumonia
Anna Nicole Smith has been hospitalized with pneumonia at the same medical center where her 20-year-old son Daniel died. Her attorney says:
"She has a slight case of pneumonia. We've had a sudden change of weather here due to a cold snap. I didn't gather it was anything serious."
Pneumonia? Sure. Why not. She could walk out of that hospital with a peg leg and a Japanese husband and it'd be just another day in the life of Anna Nicole Smith.
Nov 1 2006Lindsay Lohan tells all
Lindsay Lohan gave a surprisingly frank interview to News of the World, talking about her battles with eating disorders, admitting to using drugs, and wanting to have sex with as many people as possible.
On being anorexic and bulimic:
"I was making myself sick. Sometimes being that thin doesn't look healthy. I kind of didn't realise that. One time when someone asked me if I was OK I just started bawling. I knew I had a problem and just could not admit it. My arms were disgusting. I had no arms. I had people sit me down and say, 'You're going to die if you don't take care of yourself'. I feel great about my body now. When I was in hospital I was overworked and stressed out and that's when they started talking about my weight. Now I am comfortable in my own skin and I like having a shape and having breasts the size they are."
On drugs:
"I've tried pot. I hated it."
On the scariest night of her life when she was 18:
"I felt so sick. I lay down on the bed and started getting these shooting pains. I was screaming, throwing things, because the pains were so intense in my head. I ended up in hospital. My liver was swollen and I had a kidney infection and my white blood cells were accelerated. I was really, really white, like a ghost, and my legs were so numb from not walking. My body did not have enough strength to take a shower."
On wanting to have sex with as many people as possible:
"Sex And The City changed everything for me because those girls would just sleep with so many people. And that's me. I'm not dating just one person. It is the variety of partners everyone likes, especially at my age. I'm like Angelina Jolie, taking on lovers. I don't need a steady relationship. I mean if the sex is bad, the relationship's not going anywhere. Anyway, I don't even think I have had my best kiss yet. I have only been in love once and that was with Wilmer. But the timing was bad. And there were all these girls around. He would flirt and I couldn't handle that. I couldn't trust him. My mum's going to kill me for talking about sleeping with people - but if I'm going to give my body to someone, I'd rather them not be with other people. It's very old-fashioned. The guys I am really attracted to now don't drink, don't smoke and don't do anything else."
Yeah, not wanting your boyfriend to sleep around with other girls is so old fashioned. She might as well be living in colonial times. Or during the Victorian period. If she gets any more moral we might have to nominate her for Jesus. And just cause, here are some shots of Lindsay Lohan attending a Halloween pajama party dressed in, uh, pajamas. Way to follow directions!
Nov 1 2006Britney Spears and Victoria Beckham shop a lot
After dropping down to a size 6, Britney Spears reportedly spent almost $10,000 on clothes in one hour at Barneys in Beverly Hills. She loaded up on soft, clingy cashmere sweaters and "specified sexy yet casual clothes - but no tracksuits, a staple of her post-pregnancy wardrobe."
And not to be outdone, Victoria Beckham and her sister Louise spent 8 hours shopping yesterday in London. Victoria left her hotel just after 9am and continued shopping for 8 hours straight, not even stopping for lunch.
Jesus Christ, celebrities have ridiculous lives. I can't even comprehend the concept of spending $10,000 on clothes in one hour or shopping for 8 hours straight. I could be in the middle of open heart surgery and I'd still take a break for lunch. Speaking of which I gotta get back to the OR. That's right, ladies, I'm a doctor. I save lives. But I don't do it for the oogles and boogles of money, I do it because I care about people. The size of my wallet is surpassed only by the size of my heart.
Nov 1 2006Heidi Klum and Seal get in the Halloween spirit
See, now this is a costume. I'm all for dressing like a slut and throwing on a pair of cat ears, but it's refreshing to see a Halloween costume that's actually a costume. And speaking of Halloween sorry for the lack of posts yesterday and late post today. I started and ended my Halloween festivities a little earlier and later than is probably legal.
One more closeup of Heidi Klum after the jump.
Continue Reading "Heidi Klum and Seal get in the Halloween spirit"
Oct 31 2006Ivanka Trump and Topher Grace get it on
Ivanka Trump has squashed rumors she's with Lance Armstrong with even stranger rumors that she's with Topher Grace. She celebrated her 25th birthday in Las Vegas over the weekend and reportedly spent Saturday night with Topher.
They canoodled on the balcony during dinner at Social House with a group including Grace's former co-star Wilmer Valderrama. Then, at nightclub Pure, they closed the curtains around their private table for a half-hour. The couple "never left each other's sides," said our source.
And here's Ivanka at her birthday party at Pure looking a bit more like Paris Hilton than anybody should ever look. There's been rumors going around that she got breast implants and while I can't confirm them, I can confirm that her bumblebee suit makes her look like she belongs in a Martin Scorsese movie doing a line of coke and telling Robert DeNiro she'd like to go out for a night on the town.
Oct 31 2006Lindsay Lohan gets in the Halloween spirit
Lindsay Lohan dressed up over the weekend as that chick from Flashdance. Although I'm not even sure if it's a Halloween costume. For all I know she just came from Jazzercise or something.
Some more of Lindsay Lohan in her 80's dance outfit after the jump.
Continue Reading "Lindsay Lohan gets in the Halloween spirit"
Oct 31 2006Madonna protects her kid with string
Madonna's rep confirms she's already started making David Banda wear the red Kabbalah string bracelet which, according to Kabbalah literature, fends off "the unfriendly stare and unkind glances we sometimes get from people around us."
If Madonna really wants to fend off unkind looks from strangers she's gonna need a hell of a lot more than a red bracelet. Like a blanket printed with puppies she can throw over herself whenever she goes out in public. Then whenever people are giving her angry looks she can just hide under the blanket and everybody will be like "aww, puppies" and forget why they were reaching into their pockets for a stabbing knife.
More of Madonna strolling with newly protected David through JFK airport in New York after the jump.
NOTE: If you're Madonna and you're getting angry stares, odds are they're not directed at the one-year-old baby you're carrying. "But if not the baby, then who? Who else could it be?!"
Oct 30 2006Bill Maher makes fun of the dead
Guess what Bill Maher dressed up as for Halloween. If you guessed Steve Irwin you'd be correct. If you guessed 'asshole' you'd also be correct. Though that answer works pretty much every other time of the year too. He doesn't even need to be in costume.
Oct 30 2006Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe split
Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe have separated after seven years of marriage and two children. In a statement issued today their publicist says:
"We are saddened to announce that Reese and Ryan have decided to formally separate. They remain committed to their family and we ask that you please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time."
Reese initiated the split, though sources say it wasn't triggered by a single event but rather it was "cumulative." Which is a nice way of saying Ryan Phillippe's been a jerk for years. Plus I bet he can't benchpress an elephant or defeat ninjas in hand to hand combat. So pretty much I win at everything.
Oct 30 2006Jessica Alba has sex in the ocean
Jessica Alba and her boyfriend Cash Warren were spotted what looks like having sex in the ocean. Or group calisthenics. It's hard to tell without my x-ray goggles. Although for the sake of my own amusement let's just go ahead and assume they're doing it. A bit disappointing though, since I always imagined seeing photos of Jessica Alba having public sex would be a bigger deal than this. Ya know, some scented candles, a few fireworks, and maybe a big banner hanging across the room that says "Congratulations, penis!"
Some more of Jessica Alba having sex in the ocean after the jump, although none of them are any more informative.
Oct 30 2006Nicole Richie passes out
Nicole Richie reportedly passed out at Hyde Sunday morning just before 2am after she had been hanging out with Lindsay Lohan for about 20 minutes. An employee approached Nicole and her friends and told them he was calling 911 but sources say they told the employee not to and that they'd take Nicole to the hospital. They left through the back door but sources can't confirm whether she went to the hospital or not.
Guess the weight treatment thing isn't working out so great. Here's a fun fact: gaining weight only works when you actually participate and eat. I'm starting to think Nicole Richie just doesn't realize what eating actually means. She's telling all her friends she's eating but when she goes home she's just napping on a pile of cereal boxes.
Oct 30 2006Paris Hilton gets in the Halloween spirit
Paris Hilton showed up to a Halloween party on Saturday dressed as a slutty police officer. Although what she should've gone as was Paris Hilton. Imagine the possibilities. Paris Hilton dressed as Paris Hilton. It'd be a statement about our culture. A study in existentialism. A social commentary if you will. Or a being of such caricatured sluttiness she would literally turn into a cartoon. She would flatten into two dimensions and her voice would be replaced by that chick who does the Simpsons.
More of Paris Hilton dressed as a slutty police officer after the jump.
Continue Reading "Paris Hilton gets in the Halloween spirit"
Oct 30 2006Kevin Federline might not be as great as he thinks he is
Despite being the greatest artist of our generation and the most underrated person in Hollywood - or the planet Earth for that matter - so few $20 tickets have been sold for Kevin Federline's Nov. 4 show that sources at Webster Hall say "we may just cancel it. New Yorkers are clearly not fans of 'Popozao' [Federline's pathetic first single]." Additionally, his Cleveland show was also canceled due to lack of interest.
I refuse to believe it. I've heard Popozao. I've seen the madness caused by its lyrical genius and bumpin' beats. It's as if Kevin Federline managed to reach out and touch God himself. And then grabbed him, ate him, and squeezed him out of his butthole in musical format. Only replace 'God' with feces. Because the song's creation seems only possible by the processing of feces into even more concentrated feces. It's that feces-tacular.
Oct 30 2006Anna Nicole Smith to unbury her son
Anna Nicole Smith recently buried her son Daniel in the Bahamas, but now that she's getting kicked out she's facing the possibility of having to exhume the body to bring back to the United States. A source says:
"She waited as long as she did to bury him [39 days after her son died] because she was trying to figure out if she could get his body into the U.S. Now that she might get booted out, the word is she's going to take her son's body with her."
At the rate her life is going, when she goes in to unbury her son she's gonna find that the body is already missing. And then on closer inspection notice the body actually clawed its way out on its own. Yeah, that's right, I said it. He's a zombie. Oh no I di'int just go there. Oh no I di'int.
