Oct 20 2006Kate Hudson wears her bikini
Kate Hudson was spotted at a Miami beach yesterday frolicking around in a black bikini. And I forget my official stance on her but I believe it's along the lines of excessive drooling. Unless you count this picture, in which case hysterical laughter might be more appropriate. And I know she's very completely insane, but looking as good as she does has to count for something. Besides, there aren't any laws against stuffing a sock in her mouth during sex to prevent her from talking. Trust me, I've done the research. And by 'research' I mean 'looking up pornography all day on the internet.'
Oct 20 2006Tyra Banks is out of her mind
Any sexual attraction I ever had for this woman has very swiftly and surely been crushed. I was half expecting her to start eating the furniture, or go on a quest for tin foil to make a special hat that keeps out mind-reading space rays. I'm surprised at the end she didn't stare into the camera and warn us of the impending invasion of her pod people.
Thanks to Katie for the tip, and for doing that really neat thing she does with her tongue. Mmm, twisty.
Oct 20 2006Claudia Schiffer talks crazy
In an interview with Bunte magazine, Claudia Schiffer says models are too skinny to be attractive despite being underweight herself. She says:
"It doesn't really look good any more. Fashion looks good on thin models, but when you look at today's models you can not help but think there is something wrong. They are way too thin. It is only bones that stick out. Models have always been thin. But today, they are even thinner, which is unbelievable. I was one of the fattest when I started. Ever since I started having children, I can eat whatever I want. I eat chocolate almost every day and drink whole milk so that I don't lose any more (weight). When media started writing that I looked too thin and ill, I went to the doctor. He said I was healthy. I didn't gain weight after the pregnancies. I hope it stays like that."
If Claudia thinks looking like Gisele Bundchen or Alessandra Ambrosio is wrong, then she's out of her damn mind. And I know I'm a huge role model for a ton of young girls out there so I'm just going to keep this simple: if you don't look like Alessandra Ambrosio you might as well just cut your face off, because seriously you're just embarrassing yourself.
A ton more of the Victoria's Secret models after the jump.
Oct 19 2006Lindsay Lohan has puffy lips
Lindsay Lohan was spotted at Hyde yesterday looking like she just made out with a puffer fish. Which is my sly way of implying she got lip injections without saying she got lip injections. See how I did that? I'm like a ninja with words.
Oct 19 2006Madonna really sucks at adopting
Right after her new baby David was officially delivered to her London home, Madonna reportedly took off and hit the gym. Additionally, "what should have been a quiet, bonding experience with the Malawian baby of her choice, turned into a circus with convoys of 4x4s racing along dirttracks to the Mission of Hope orphanage where [Madonna] handed out signed copies of her books."
So instead of food or medicine, this egotistical bitch handed out signed copies of her book. To starving Africans. Who probably can't read. She might as well have given them autographed pictures of herself. Not only that, but the child she chose to adopt still has a father. Instead of saving a true orphan, she chose the one kid that actually has family. She's doing pretty much every wrong thing you can do when adopting a child. If she was making a pizza, right about now she'd be smashing some glass into the dough and looking for some watermelons for the pizza sauce.
Oct 19 2006Paris Hilton is a huge star
Paris Hilton has allegedly been trying to get out of the premiere of her new movie National Lampoon's Pledge This, because it's so bad she's embarrassed to be associated with it. An insider says:
"The premiere was supposed to have been on Oct. 11 in Chicago, but Paris called at the last minute and canceled, claiming she had to promote her album. The producers didn't want to have the premiere without her because she's the biggest star in the movie, which also features Simon Rex and Randy Spelling, so they rescheduled for Oct. 28." But now Hilton has told the producers she won't likely be attending then, either. "The movie is horrific," said our source. "It is a limited release that will likely go straight to video. Paris doesn't really want to be associated with it. Her movie career is not exactly booming, and she needs to not be seen as a flop. Also, the movie has a lot of topless women in it, and she is trying to distance herself from the whole porn thing." A rep for Hilton said only, "She will appear at this premiere."
It's hard to imagine that the star power of Paris Hilton won't be enough to make this movie a raging success. This is the same woman that brought us canned wine. She wields so much influence in Hollywood she makes Julia Roberts look like Kathy Griffin's makeup artist. I mean anybody who can spend $35 for a bottle of water for their dog has to be a huge star. It's science.
Oct 19 2006Nicky Hilton enjoys standing next to penises
In case there was any doubt in your mind that Nicky Hilton's new Miami hotel Nicky O isn't going to be a complete joke, check out this photoshoot she had for it featuring a bunch of naked people. I know the Hilton family education consists of Saturday morning cartoons, but this is the sort of marketing campaign you'd use for beer, condoms, or homoerotic cruises where you question your own sexuality. The only hotels that should be marketed this way charge by the hour and have women on the first floor walking around with price tags on them.
Don't click any of the NSFW pictures if you're offended by male genitalia or the female buttocks, because there's plenty of both all around. Thanks to Mark for the tip, and for reminding me why I don't scour the internet looking for naked pictures of men.
Oct 19 2006Vince Vaughn gets an apology
Page Six issued an apology today after Vince Vaughn's lawyers filed a complaint against them for running stories claiming he cheated on Jennifer Aniston with a blonde woman in the UK. They write:
Jennifer Aniston went on "Oprah" to tell the world she and Vince Vaughn are still together. We apologize to Vaughn for reporting on Oct. 11 that the "The Wedding Crashers" star had been photographed "making out" with a "mystery blonde" at a party in London. The item, first reported in the London Sun, was incorrect. We're advised Vaughn was merely greeting a friend at the event and not kissing her "passionately." Any suggestion that the actor was being unfaithful to Aniston is totally false.
The only time anybody should ever apologize to Vince Vaughn is if it's sarcastic and they've just beaten him in a race or something, like "Sorry I made you eat my dust" or "Sorry you suck" or "Sorry I slept with your mom." Because seriously, the guy's an ass. I offered to buy him a beer once and he punched me in the face and called my little cousin a whore. That's not cool, man.
Thanks to the delicately delicious Debs for the tip. And thanks to me for being the master of alliteration.
Oct 19 2006Paris Hilton frightens animals
It's not nearly as funny as these shots, but you can almost hear the pleas of help coming from Tinkerbell's eyes. God knows what Paris Hilton is doing that makes every animal instinctively scared of her. Maybe it's her perfume. Or maybe they see her as a giant insect. Or maybe it's because even animals know you shouldn't trust a crazy person who walks around in space boots.
Oct 18 2006Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise still probably getting married
Katie Holmes was originally planning on having a small California wedding in October, but now sources claim she wants to push it back to November and have it somewhere in Italy.
"They were hoping to make it a few weeks earlier, but Katie and Tom both want everything to be right. They needed more time. (Asked to confirm the switch, Cruise's rep, Arnold Robinson, coyly tells Us, "I'm not denying that date or location.")
The wedding is the least of Katie Holmes' problems. Judging by these shots, somebody went in and stole her ass. And I'm not pointing any fingers, but word on the street is that homosexuals like to pound asses. Sometimes into flat little pancakes. And before you yell at me for crossing the line, keep in mind it was at Tom Cruise's expense. And with Tom Cruise there is no line. Only a little voice in your head that keeps telling you to push it further and further.
A couple more of Katie Holmes wishing she had butt implants after the jump.
Continue Reading "Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise still probably getting married"
Oct 18 2006Cameron Diaz looks like death
I'm no scientist, but if Cameron Diaz wants to look more youthful she should consider using skin lotion on her face instead of tobacco smoke. Unless she's trying to look like leather in which case she's doing great. Her face is like a giant clown statue you'd put in your little kid's room to make him happy, only it scares the living the shit out of him and when he grows up he has an unhealthy fear of the circus. Or in this case, things with mouths.
One more of Cameron Diaz looking not quite as young as I remember her after the jump.
Oct 18 2006Mike Tyson wants to kill women, same ol' same ol'
This is a bit old by now but at a news conference Mike Tyson said he promised an entertaining show when he launches the Mike Tyson World Tour and announced he'd like future bouts to be against women, including professional boxer Ann Wolfe.
"She's such a prominent, dominant woman in the boxing field," Tyson said. When asked if he was joking about fighting women, Tyson said, "I'm very serious."Russ Young, a promoter for Wolfe, said such a bout will never happen. "That's the first we've heard of it. No state would sanction that. She would be outweighed by 60 to 70 pounds. Ann would never entertain the idea."
Tyson said the tour was meant to be fun and raise money for charity. "It's all fun. I'm not Mike Tyson," he said, referring to the fierce boxer whose career was upended by a prison term. "I'm not 20 years old. I'm not going to smash anybody. I'm not going to talk about smashing anybody's brains. You're not going to see that guy no more."
Normally I'd be against something this horrific but watching Mike Tyson fight a woman might actually be fun. If not for his colorful commentary then because I've always wanted to see Mike Tyson devour a woman in the boxing ring. And I mean literally. Like with a fork and knife.
NOTE: I'm a very sick individual.
Oct 18 2006Scary Spice is pregnant with Eddie Murphy's child
Melanie Brown (aka Scary Spice) is reportedly four months pregnant with Eddie Murphy's baby, and the two are allegedly set to marry next month. A source reveals she was spotted in Le Bra Lingerie boutique in West Hollywood talking about the impending birth, and picked up nearly $5,000 worth of Eres lingerie for herself and about $300 worth of La Perla men's undershirts and underwear for Eddie.
The only way I can picture Eddie Murphy and this thing having sex is in a cage at the carnival with some guy in a hat announcing: "Behold a sight so ghastly not even Beelzebub himself would look upon it." Then he'd lift a curtain and there'd be these two going at it and you'd hear a loud gasp from the audience, some murmers of "It's too horrible to look at," and maybe the faint sounds of sobbing in the background.
More of Scary Spice and her nipples poking through after the jump, although you should only take a look if you hate yourself.
Continue Reading "Scary Spice is pregnant with Eddie Murphy's child"
Oct 18 2006Madonna talks adoption
Madonna posted an open letter on her official site (turn your speakers off) regarding her adoption, also addressing concerns that she circumvented the legal system to speed up the adoption process. She writes:
My husband and I began the adoption process many months prior to our trip to Malawi. I did not wish to disclose my intentions to the world prior to the adoption happening as this is a private family matter.After learning that there were over one million orphans in Malawi, it was my wish to open up our home and help one child escape an extreme life of hardship, poverty and in many cases death, as well as expand our family.
Nevertheless, we have gone about the adoption procedure according to the law like anyone else who adopts a child. Reports to the contrary are totally inaccurate. The procedure includes an 18-month evaluation period after which time we hope to make this adoption permanent.
This was not a decision or commitment that my family or I take lightly.
I am overwhelmed and inspired by my trip to Malawi and hope that it helps bring attention to how much more the world needs to do to help the children of Africa.
My heartfelt thanks for all the good wishes I have received and I hope the press will allow my family some room for us to experience the joy we feel to have David home.
Madonna Ritchie
October 17, 2006
London, England
You can tell how serious she is about her new child because his world debut are photos of him cradled in the arms of his loving mother. Oh wait, that's not Madonna. That's not even close to a Madonna. Unless she's turned herself into a humble looking Hispanic woman.
Oct 17 2006Petra Nemcova and James Blunt break up
Petra Nemcova and James Blunt have reportedly broken up after Blunt allegedly cheated on her with a string of girls, including Australian TV presenter Tania Zaetta. A source tells Britain's Mail:
"Rumours got back to Petra that James had been partying with loads of gorgeous girls in Ibiza over the summer. They had a huge row during London Fashion Week last month and now it is all over." According to close friends, the singer is desperate to work things out with Petra, but the 27-year-old model is unsure whether she can trust him again. The source added: "She's agreed to meet him a couple of times to try to work things out but it isn't looking good."
Just to be clear it was James Blunt that cheated. On Petra Nemcova. This isn't like Kevin Connolly cheating on Nicky Hilton. This is like a Ford Taurus cheating on a Ferrari. Like my 4-year-old cousin's finger painting cheating on the fucking Mona Lisa. The only world where stuff like this is supposed to happen is the world where ice cream tastes like broccoli and rain falls up.
Oct 17 2006Nicky Hilton breaks up with Kevin Connolly
The second most useless Hilton has reportedly broken up with her boyfriend after a two year relationship. A rep confirmed that Nicky Hilton and Kevin Connolly are "no longer a couple" after she allegedly dumped him because she suspected him of cheating.
Blaming a guy for cheating on a Hilton is like yelling at a kid for wanting a Milky Way when the only candy he's ever had is toothpaste. Although things wouldn't have worked out anyway. After seeing the hotel Nicky was working on it would've only been a matter of time before Connolly felt bad for taking advantage of the mentally handicapped and broke things off.
Oct 17 2006Wesley Snipes steals from the government
Wesley Snipes was charged with tax fraud today on an indictment that alleges he didn't file federal income tax returns from 1999 through 2004 and conspired with two others (including an accountant) to file two amended returns for 1996 and 1997 which fraudulently claimed tax refunds of almost $12 million. The conspiracy and false claim charges each carry a maximum sentence of five years in prison and a $200,000 fine and each charge of failing to file income tax returns carries a maximum sentence of up to one year in prison and a $100,000 fine. Add all of that together and you've got, like, a lot of years in jail and maybe, like, some money you owe. A lot. My maths hasn't been so good ever since I drinked the paint.
Oct 17 2006Fabolous gets shot and arrested
Rapper Fabolous was shot in the leg early this morning in a New York parking garage when an identified man approached and opened fire on him and three of his friends after they had left Justin's restaurant. Fabolous was hit in the thigh before he and his friends sped away in their car, running a red and attracting the attention of police who were responding to calls that shots had been fired. The car was stopped and everybody was arrested when they found two unlicensed loaded guns in the car.
Why is everybody's life more exciting than mine? Sure, I spent the morning shooting at henchman as I skied down a mountain using the door of the Nazi chemical plant I blew up, but I've never ran a red. That shit sounds hardcore.
Oct 17 2006Lindsay Lohan gets served
While walking the red carpet at the Annual American Cinematheque Award honoring George Clooney last Friday, Lindsay Lohan was served with a subpoena to testify at her mother's trial (who's being sued for fraud, theft, and violation of contract). She was walking the carpet when she was approached by a woman she assumed was an autograph seeker and said to her, "You're my first autograph!" to which the woman answered "You've been served" and handed her the subpoena. According to witnesses Lindsay then dropped the paperwork and chased after the process server.
I thought Lindsay was out of ways to make an ass out of herself and then she surprises me with this little gem. Maybe next week she can ask a fat lady when her baby's due and then offer to sign her belly because she's a famous actress. Only there is no baby due, is there, Linday?
Oct 17 2006Britney Spears helps out her winner husband
Britney Spears is so desperate to sell Kevin Federline's album she's asking her fans to help out. She's sponsoring a contest and the fan who helps sell the most copies of Kevin Federline's album Playing With Fire gets to party with her and K-Fed on Halloween during the CD release party. Second prize is the pair of sneakers Federline wore to the Teen Choice Awards, third place gets a $200 gift certificate, and 10 runners-up get a replica of a medallion that K-Fed wears almost every day.
His used shoes? A replica wigger medallion? There's really no excuse not to enter. With prizes this grand you'd think there must be some sort of catch. But no, my friends, all that fantastic goodness can be yours for just the low low price of your dignity. Plus the incredible beating you'll get when you start telling your friends to buy K-Fed albums.
NOTE: The internet is exploding over some new pictures of Britney Spears in an argyle vest. I don't understand it myself, but apparently this is a very hot season for argyle. One more closeup of her after the jump, but it's really not all that great.
Continue Reading "Britney Spears helps out her winner husband"
Oct 17 2006Mary-Kate Olsen is dating again
20-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen has reportedly been dating oil heir Maxwell Snow for about a month now. Snow happens to be Uma Thurman's nephew and is Mary-Kate's first boyfriend since being single for a year after Paris Hilton stole her last boyfriend Stavros Niarchos.
It warms the heart to see that even creepy looking monkey-people can find love in this crazy mixed up world of ours. Being worth half a billion probably helps, but I'm sure there are a ton of guys out there who'd love her just for her. I mean guys love Zoolander, so it only makes sense they'd love a girl who looks likes him. Sort of like how guys love girls who look like Chuck Norris. Although that's mostly just for their very handsome beards.
Oct 16 2006Kevin Federline is going to get body slammed
In case you want to watch the greatest thing on TV tonight you should check out Monday Night Raw where Kevin Federline is set to be body slammed by WWE wrestler John Cena.
Introduced as the "A-list friend" of bad guy Johnny Nitro, Federline played the villain as he walked to the ring amid boos from the crowd. "Same people who are booin' me now buy my picture on the cover of magazine," he told the audience. "Y'all want to hear my rap?" When the boos continued, he replied, "Well, you're going to have to wait until my record drops in October." At that point, WWE champion John Cena came out, taunting Federline in classic wrestling smack-talking style with such lines as, "The album is called Playing With Fire? They should call it The Biggest Scumbag on Earth!" and "You're less talented than Paris Hilton!" In response, Federline made a comment about wanting to see Cena's rear end dragged around the ring. Then the 6' 1", 240-lb. Cena pretended to shake Federline's hand before lifting him in the air and dropping him to the mat in a body slam.
If Kevin Federline doesn't make it in the music industry he can always make a living getting beat up on TV shows. The demand is high enough they could even give him his own show. Throw in a recurring character that hits him in the crotch with a wooden mallet and you've got the next Seinfeld.
Oct 16 2006Jessica Simpson is busting out of her shirt
Jessica Simpson was spotted at Il Sole in West Hollywood with her leopard print bra busting out of her poorly buttoned shirt. Which sounds really good until you realize the whole idea was probably her dad's. Even more creepy? The fact that he probably made the suggestion while lying in her bed, a scented candle burning in the corner, his robe open just enough to expose his package, and him making little claw motions in the air as he softly purrs her name.
More of Jessica Simpson and her explosive cleavage after the jump.
NOTE: Don't think Joe Simpson is playing favorites. That creepy bastard doesn't discriminate when it comes to exposing his daughters' sweet melons.
Continue Reading "Jessica Simpson is busting out of her shirt"
Oct 16 2006Brandon Davis is broke
Brandon Davis - the guy who called Lindsay Lohan 'Firecrotch' and made fun of her for only having $7 million - allegedly bounced a $10,000 check he gave to Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis. Additionally, he supposedly owes record producer Scott Storch and The Palm casino owner George Maloof money, suggesting the billions of dollars his grandfather made aren't readily accessible by his family.
Before Brandon told Page Six, "[Bleep] you," and hung up, he explained that his check had bounced because he was switching banks and that he'd paid Francis back in cash (which Francis denies). The check, a copy of which was obtained by Page Six, states it was refused for "insufficient funds."
The only justice now would be for Lindsay Lohan to make fun of Brandon Davis' poverty by driving by in her Kia and offering him some cash. Only she can't afford to give away real money so it'd have to be the Monopoly kind. Or maybe just newspaper cut into little rectangles with "Real Moneys" written on it with permanent marker.
Oct 16 2006Vince Vaughn sues for cheating on Jennifer Aniston
Vince Vaughn is set to sue the Sun, Daily Mirror, and New York Post after they claimed he kissed a "mystery woman" at a London charity event at the Old Vic theater earlier this month. The Sun and Daily Mirror articles ran a photograph of Vaughn kissing a blonde woman (above) which Vaughn will argue was "seriously misleading" and that "the suggestion he was involved in a passionate embrace and kiss was false."
I'm looking at the picture and that looks about as close to a passionate embrace as Vince Vaughn is capable of. Considering he's a lumbering bear she should just be glad he's not using his mouth to drag her back to his cave by her neck.
Thanks to the oddly named N & D for the tip, though I suspect they may or may not be a chain of tire stores.
Oct 16 2006Sheryl Crow performs in her bikini
Sometimes I'm glad I'm not a successful musician because their idea of wacky hijinks depress me. To prank Sheryl Crow at the end of their tour John Mayer performed in a bear costume, and to get him back Sheryl Crow performed in a bikini. Which doesn't really make any sense because neither of those are pranks. And since when is demeaning yourself in public any sort of revenge? The only time that's ever worked is when I got naked and let the college cheerleading squad have their way with me. Only that wasn't for revenge. It was more of a personal project involving me, a camcorder, and calls to 300 of my closest friends.
A couple more of Sheryl Crow in her bikini after the jump.
Oct 16 2006Madonna's adoption isn't going so great
The Human Rights Consultative Committee is hoping to halt Madonna's adoption of a 13-month old baby boy because they want to make sure Malawi laws aren't bent for her. The group is currently applying for the court to recognize them as a sufficiently interested party so they can file an injunction later in the week to block the adoption.
"The rich shouldn't get preferential treatment. I am fine with the idea of the adoption but I want people to go through the system," said Emmie Chanika, director of the Civil Liberties Committee.
And even though she reportedly left Malawi with the child on Friday, turns out there were some legal problems getting his passport setup and he had to stay behind, only finally being able to leave today with one of her bodyguards and her personal assistant. So basically Madonna abandoned the child her very first day of being an adoptive mother. At this rate the kid might as well have been adopted by a fire hydrant. It might not be as rich but at least it'll love him more.
Oct 16 2006Lindsay Lohan isn't looking so hot
Somebody must've filled Lindsay Lohan's boots with cement because this is about the most awkward looking step I've ever seen. It's like somebody cropped the picture and out of frame there's some guy in a Godzilla suit getting ready to battle her.
