Oct 13 2006Lindsay Lohan flashes her bulge
I'm not sure why Lindsay Lohan is going out in public dressed in burlesque outfits. I'm even less sure why her panties have a huge lump in them. I've seen her vagina before so I know it's there, but what other magical wonders might she be hiding down there? Precious gems? Testicles? Her own feces? These are the questions we as a society should be trying to answer.
Oct 13 2006Sienna Miller may or may not be a baby
Page Six reports Sienna Miller threw a tantrum Saturday night when she was thrown out of Penny Folino's Young's Tavern in Pittsburgh because she didn't have ID.
"Sienna ripped off her hat and said, 'I am Sienna Miller. I am a famous actress!' " Folino told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Miller, denied her vodka and tonic, stewed outside for 30 minutes. Bouncer Dan Kovacs said, "She was going crazy out there, stomping her feet." Said Folino: "No ID, no entry - I'm sorry, we can't bend the rules for anybody."
Sienna has already started denying the claims, having her London rep say in a statement:
"These people are utter fantasists. We have 10 witnesses, including local Pittsburgh people, who can vouch that Sienna never reacted this way and left the bar quietly. It is utter rubbish."
That's probably the first time in my entire life I've ever seen the word 'fantasist' used. The first four times I read it I thought she was saying 'fascists' or 'fanatics.' Anyways, I don't know which side to believe so I'm just going with the version where she rips off her hat and says "I am Sienna Miller. I am a famous actress!" Because there's really no way you can beat that. Not even with an atomic bomb.
Oct 13 2006Hilary Duff is being stalked
Hilary Duff filed for a restraining order yesterday claiming she fears for her life because she's being stalked by a paparazzi and a homeless man. Hilary and her boyfriend Joel Madden claim in court documents that a 19-year-old Russian emigre came to the United States "for the sole purpose of meeting and becoming romantically involved with Ms. Duff."
The court documents state the man, whose first name is Max, "admitted to being 'obsessed' with her, has stated his intention of 'removing' his 'enemies' (i.e., those who prevent him from being with her), has stated his intention of purchasing a weapon, and has threatened to kill himself and to engage in dramatic actions to get her attention."According to the documents, Max "has stated his belief that Hilary is in love with him and that Joel Madden stands in their way."
The court documents also claim David Joseph Klein, a 50-year-old celebrity photographer who is roommates with Max, is also a threat.
The documents state, "Over the past six weeks, the defendants have engaged in an accelerated effort to make contact with Hilary, including visits to her neighborhood, to her mother's home, to her boyfriend's neighborhood ... to Mr. Madden's concert venue, and direct calls to Hilary's manager."
According to the documents, the police detained Max at least once at one of Madden's concerts and questioned Klein at the same event.
These guys could save themselves a lot of trouble if they just visited the local farm and hooked up with a horse. Although to get the full effect they might have to close their eyes and imagine the horse's teeth are a little bigger. And ignore the curves. Really, they should just glue some teeth onto a box and write "Hilary Duff" on the back.
Oct 13 2006Madonna dances in Africa
Spiegel has some footage of Madonna dancing around in Africa and it's every bit as painful as you might imagine. I'm not saying her money isn't doing some real good there, but I don't understand the point of her physical presence. She waves at crowds of people like they should care despite the fact they're starving to death and have no idea who she is. It'd be sick if it wasn't so sad. And just to finally end the saga, she left Malawi today with her new adopted son, David, who she'll most likely rename to something a little more trendy. Like Dante. Or Prada. I don't know, whatever name people who own their own plane like.
Oct 12 2006Natalie Portman dates billionaire Nat Rothschild
25-year-old Natalie Portman is reportedly dating 35-year-old British billionaire Nat Rothschild. The two had dinner at Wilton's restaurant in London earlier this week and a source tells The Daily Mail:
"A casually dressed Natalie and a female friend pulled up in a chauffeured Audi at around 9pm and went into the restaurant. Nat (Rothschild) arrived on foot five minutes later. After three hours Natalie came out with her pal, who was holding hand's with Nat's friend, and they got into her car. A bit later, Nat ran down the street, jumped in next to Natalie and they all drove off."
I'd comment on his looks but when you're the co-chairman of Atticus Capital and worth a billion dollars none of that really matters. He could be 2' 3" and have a second head growing out of his back and I'd still ask if he'd like to spend the night. His face might be a negative 10 or 20 points, but having enough to money to build a giant robot version of yourself is worth at least 100 gajillion.
Oct 12 2006Madonna officially on the road to adoption
A senior court official announced today that Malawi authorities granted Madonna an interim order to adopt a child, meaning there will be a subsequent hearing to determine whether she'll be allowed to adopt the child or not.
Under Malawian law the hearing must take place within two years. "This also means that she has been put on observer status to see how she will relate to the child, and people from social welfare will have to observe that. The court will depend upon their observations to make a final decision," Ligowe added.
Considering the child is coming from extreme poverty and Madonna is one of the richest humans on the planet, the only way she would be denied the adoption is if they discovered a sweatshop in her basement or a cookbook in her kitchen on how to prepare human.
Oct 12 2006Kirsten Dunst is in denial
Kirsten Dunst says she isn't obsessed with her weight or working out because she enjoys having curves and looking "sexy" rather than "sleazy." She tells the Scottish Daily Record:
"I eat healthily. I do Pilates and my mom has a cross-training machine, which I use, but I don't work out regularly. I like having a few curves. I like being sexy, not sleazy."
There are a lot of words I'd use to describe Kirsten Dunst. 'Sexy' isn't one of them. Unless prefaced by 'not' or 'very not' or 'indescribably not.' I'm starting to think somebody replaced her mirror with a life-sized poster of Alessandra Ambrosio and she hasn't figured it out yet, because there's no way she can look into a mirror, see what I'm seeing, and have the word 'sexy' pop into her head. It's physically impossible, like being sexually attracted to Robin Williams.
Oct 12 2006Kevin Federline is insecure
Kevin Federline has allegedly forbid Britney Spears from using male dancers in her new video and is insisting she replace the ones she's hired with women.
Spears hired Matt Felker, one of the sexy guys from her "Toxic" video, to appear in her new video, according to In Touch Weekly, which reports that her hubby "insisted that Britney fire Matt and all of the other male dancers she'd hired and replace them with females." Federline - who was, of course, once a back-up dancer for Spears - is said to be "surprisingly insecure and secretly terrified" that Spears will dump him if her career takes off again. "Kevin doesn't want Britney to be making sexy moves again," an "insider" told ITW. "He's even telling her she doesn't need to lose all of her pregnancy weight."
So all this time I thought Britney Spears was just letting herself go when it was really Kevin Federline fugging her up so nobody else would want her. Well played, Federline. Well played.
Oct 11 2006Tara Reid talks about her messed up body
In the latest issue of Us Weekly Tara Reid admits to getting her breast implants fixed and discusses the other problems she faced with plasitc surgery.
On why she had plastic surgery in the first place:
"I got my breasts done for the first time because my breasts were uneven. I was a 34-B, but the right one was always bigger than the left. I weigh 110 pounds now, but I always used to fluctuate by 10 pounds, so my skin was kind of saggy. I figured, I'm in Hollywood, I'm getting older, I'm going to fix them."
On what went wrong:
"First of all, I asked for big Bs, and he did not give me big Bs. He gave me Cs, and I didn't want them. At all. Right after the surgery, I had some bumps along the edges of my nipples, but the doctor said, 'Don't worry, it's going to be better.' But after six months of 'it's going to get better,' it started to get worse and worse."
On being intimate:
"Guys I was dating would be like, 'What's wrong with them? They look really bad. You know, you should really get them fixed.' So embarrassing. I mean, you definitely need to turn off the lights, that's for sure."
On getting lipo:
"I got lipo because even though I was skinny, I wanted - I'm not going to lie - a six-pack. I had body contouring, but it all went wrong. My stomach became the most ripply, bulgy thing."
That's why you go to real doctors with real degrees who went to real schools, and not the guy in the alley who keeps his supplies tied to his donkey. It's nice she got her boobs under control, but I don't even know how you're supposed to fix her stomach. A power sander? Blow torch? She could print out a picture of abs and tape it to her belly and it'd still look more realisitc then whatever she's got going on there.
More of Tara Reid and her ridiculous body after the jump.
Oct 11 2006Paris Hilton scares the crap out of dogs
I guess I'd be equally scared if I got within such close range of Paris Hilton too. I've fought grizzlies with my bare hands and swam with man-eating piranhas, but none of that compares to the horror that is Paris Hilton's vagina. When she's not wearing pants I hear flames shoot out and a giant lobster claw occasionally emerges and randomly snaps at things.
More of Paris Hilton scaring the bejesus out of this dog after the jump.
NOTE: This is totally unrelated but it's just as amusing.
Oct 11 2006Madonna did adopt and she's a liar
A Malawian has come forward and confirmed that Madonna has adopted his 1-year-old son despite denials from her rep saying otherwise.
"I am the father of David, who has been adopted," Banda, 32, told The Associated Press Tuesday. "I am very very happy because as you can see there is poverty in this village and I know he will be very well looked after in America." The child's grandmother, Asinei Mwale, said she learned about the adoption from Chipeta. "The director of the orphanage came here yesterday and told us that David has been adopted by a famous American singer," Mwale said. "I am very glad for him because having grown up as an orphan myself, I know how tough life can be."
So now it's a matter of who you want to believe: the government officials, the father of the adopted child, the grandmother of the adopted child, or Madonna's publicist Liz Rosenberg who gets paid to lie to the public for a living. This isn't even something worth lying about. It's not like she's stealing nuclear plans and smuggling them to North Korea or kicking kittens in the face.
Oct 11 2006Paris Hilton dumped Travis Barker
Paris Hilton reportedly dumped Travis Barker after the incident last week when Shanna Moakler called her a "skinny bitch" and punched her in the jaw at Club Hyde. A friend of Paris tells In Touch Weekly Hilton broke up with Travis the following weekend, saying: "Paris realized this was not what she needed in her life right now."
Ironic, because being punched in the jaw is exactly what I would've answered if you asked me what Paris Hilton needed in her life right now. Other possible answers might have been a giant bag of feces thrown at her face, an angry tiger hiding in her closet, or a space shuttle ride into the sun.
NOTE: Nobody is gonna take your claims of putting off sex for a year seriously if you can't go a 24 hour period without latching on to some new mystery boyfriend. I don't tell police I'm innocent and then go running around with a knife covered in blood. I mean I do, but they never believe me.
Oct 10 2006Evangeline Lilly and Dominic Monaghan get frisky on the beach
Evangeline Lilly and Dominic Monaghan were caught very publicly displaying their affection on a Hawaii beach. Although when a couple gets their sex on there's usually not a creepy third guy standing over watching them. It's like the plot to some dirty porno movie, where the innocent surfer wanders by and the horny couple invites him to join in on the sandy fun. And then an animal control officer shows up and tells everybody to be careful because there's been numerous "trouser snake" sightings. Then cue music and enter the pizza delivery guy. Throw in a line about having to "deliver while it's hot" and you've got porno gold.
More of Evangeline Lilly and Dominic Monaghan being very open about making out after the jump.
Continue Reading "Evangeline Lilly and Dominic Monaghan get frisky on the beach"
Oct 10 2006Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are afraid of islands
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie reportedly got back together after producers of The Simple Life threatened to put them on a deserted island with a bunch of survivalists for the next season. The producer of the shows tells the AP:
"They reached out to each other in universal disdain for the island concept and rekindled their friendship."
And after eating dinner at Dan Tana's together, the two were spotted leaving Paris Hilton's house the morning after, with Nicole Richie wearing some of Paris' oversized clothes barefoot. Although I can't imagine what could've happened to prevent Nicole from wearing her own clothes the morning after. Maybe she had a glass of orange juice and they didn't fit anymore. Or maybe in a fit of passion the two tore each others' clothes off and made sweet disgusting love to each other, the only remains of clothes being scraps strewn about the bedroom. Not entirely sure why I typed that last sentence, because the chunks of puke are gonna be tough to clean out of my keyboard.
More of Nicole and Paris leaving Paris' home after the jump.
Continue Reading "Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are afraid of islands"
Oct 10 2006Nicole Richie spotted with mystery man
Nicole Richie (or Rat Face as I've started affectionately calling her) was spotted with a mystery man over the weekend. Although it's a wonder how she keeps managing to trick guys into dating her. I suspect she lays a trail of feed back to her cage and then when guys show up she offers them some cheese and takes them for a jog on her giant wheel. Or like in this case she offers to help them get back to The Shire so they can reunite with their fellow Hobbit friends. You know, to fight Gollum or something.
More of Nicole Richie and her fantasy roleplaying character friend after the jump.
Oct 10 2006Scarlett Johansson says stuff
In an interview with Allure, Scarlett Johansson says her boyfriend Josh Hartnett is a "good boy," believes people breed like animals, and says she gets tested for HIV twice a year. She says:
"Josh is very sweet. He's a good boy. A great person. I'm very lucky and I'm very happy. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not promiscuous. There does seem to be a mistaken belief out there that I am sexually available somehow - which is not to say that I'm not open-minded about sex. Yet I wouldn't say I'm a serial monogamist, either. I mean, I went through periods of time when I was, ah, single. But when I'm in a relationship, I'm in a relationship. I do think on some basic level we are animals, and by instinct we kind of breed accordingly. But as much as I believe that, I work really hard when I'm in a relationship to make it work in a monogamous way." Johansson also encourages testing for sexually transmitted diseases. "I get tested for HIV twice a year. One has to be socially aware. It's part of being a decent human, to be tested for STDs. It's just disgusting behavior when people don't. It's so irresponsible."
I'm guessing you might have some trust issues if you're only dating one guy and you still need to get checked for HIV twice a year. Sometimes I wonder who Alessandra is sharing her needles with, but then she gets naked, my mind goes blank, and I wake up in a pile of cash bench pressing my Ferrari.
Oct 10 2006Nicole Richie is a paradox
You are traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Twilight Zone!
It's hard to connect the first picture with the second, but keep in mind there should be a third in between the two of Nicole Richie bent over a toilet with her fingers down her throat. Or a closeup of the fries that show they're really just fry-shaped laxatives.
Oct 10 2006Jessica Simpson makes up movies for her to star in
Jessica Simpson has been going around telling everybody she's making a movie with Luke Wilson called "Blonde Ambition", but reps from his camp are saying it's not true. In September she said she was preparing herself to be linked to Wilson by tabloids as they started filming in November, and last week she told Jimmy Kimmel, "I'm going into doing another movie with Luke Wilson called 'Blonde Ambition!'"
But a rep for Wilson told Star, "This project is in talks." What's more, a source told the tab, "Luke Wilson will never do a movie with Jessica Simpson." The insider suggests that the star's manager dad Joe Simpson has been exaggerating prospects for the flick. "Joe is telling Jessica he's getting big stars," says the source. "Joe's been working on it for months. It'll end up having a bunch of nobodies if it happens. He was trying to get Meg Ryan to be the Sigourney Weaver character. It's such a joke. He's been sending out half-written scripts with personal letters to stars asking them to be in it."
This is so incredibly sad. It's like the fat kid in school who goes around telling everybody their dad is an astronaut and then one day you find out he's really just the janitor.
Oct 9 2006Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton are friends again
Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton have reportedly made up after the two were spotted at Dan Tana's Steakhouse in Los Angeles last night. And maybe it's because she's sitting next to Paris Hilton but Nicole Richie barely looks human here. The pictures would be less confusing if her Blackberry was replaced with a block of cheese and there was a man in a lab coat observing her and taking notes.
Oct 9 2006Victoria Beckham looks "really awful naked"
In the Australian version of Harper's Bazaar, Victoria Beckham says having three children and losing the baby weight has been tough on her body and that she looks "really awful naked." She says:
"I've got so much saggy skin on my stomach. I might fit into jeans, but trust me, I look really awful naked." Beckham, 32, adds that she has "no bum at all," despite her appearance in ads for her new fragrance, which she credits to the magic of retouching. Still, all the scrutiny may have soured her a bit on the idea of fame. "Do I wish I could be anonymous?" she says. "Of course. I don't need to feed my ego that way anymore."
Nobody looks and dresses they way Victoria Beckham does when they want to remain anonymous. And the reason she looks awful naked is because the plastic surgeon took the Barbie reference doll a little too extreme and had her vagina replaced with a smooth piece of plastic with two swiveling joints on the end for her legs.
Oct 9 2006Paris Hilton has bags of pot in her purse
Paris Hilton exposed a small bag of cannabis while reaching into her silver purse to touch up her nail polish at a Dolce & Gabbana catwalk show last week. Her publicist Elliot Mintz issued a statement saying:
"Things are not always as they appear. It would be unfair to draw any conclusions based solely on these photos."
I don't know what unfair conclusions her publicist thinks might be drawn, but when you've got a bag of marijuana in your purse it's pretty safe to say you've got a bag of marijuana in your purse. It's not like people are seeing the photo and assuming she goes riding around on elephants hunting down homeless people with a bow and arrow.
Oct 9 2006Amber Tamblyn slips her nipple
I was debating whether or not I should post this because some of you might not know who Amber Tamblyn is. I looked her up on IMDB and I still don't even know who she is. She's appeared in a few TV shows and is in The Grudge 2, and I figure if she's famous enough to be photographed that means her nipple is famous enough to be seen. Although it'll never be as famous as my nipple. I paint a little mustache on him and take him on tours in Mexico. They call him Senior Guapo and he's huge there.
Click the picture for the uncensored NSFW version.
Oct 9 2006Anna Nicole Smith buys Bahamas citizenship
Residents of the Bahamas reportedly pissed off because Anna Nicole Smith reportedly got bumped to the top of the citizenship list after she had a $10,000 check delivered to the personal home of the Bahamas' immigration minister. Smith was allegedly given citizenship in a super quick three weeks, although the immigration minister is insisting it took three months.
"Now granted this one was done very quickly," he told The Bahama Journal. "We did our research. It's not the first time." He cited the case of a wealthy Czech financier from 1995, whose application was processed in just over two months.
I knew Anna was in the Bahamas to avoid a paternity battle against Larry Birkhead but I didn't realize she was so serious about it she actually got her citizenship. I believe the next step in her epically suspicious saga is to create an offshore bank account in the Cayman islands, walk around in a trenchcoat and sunglasses, and repeatedly meet a mustached stranger, occasionally giving him a briefcase of some sort.
Oct 9 2006Kevin Federline makes his acting debut
I've seen some pretty moving performances before, but Kevin Federline portraying 'Angry Onlooker #2' has just topped the list. His delivery of "You bitches haven't caught them cats yet?" in the upcoming CSI touches the soul. In the hands of an amateur it could've been a disaster, but K-Fed's masterful grasp of the craft really makes it work. I almost shudder to think how somebody like Tom Hanks would've butchered it. He'd probably just trip and wet his pants with a line that difficult.
Oct 9 2006Paris Hilton confuses the eyes
There's not a single part of Paris Hilton's outfit here that makes sense. And the shoes. My God, the shoes. I don't even know if you're supposed to call them shoes because it looks like she pushed over some crippled kid and stole his leg braces. And I wouldn't recommend staring at them for too long for fear you might lose your grip on reality. I was trying to figure them out for like 5 minutes and now I hear scratches coming from the attic and I think my lamp just said "Good morning" to me.
