Oct 6 2006Ashlee Simpson shows off her bra
I was tempted to call this a bra slip but when you've got your shirt unbuttoned that far it's no longer an accident. It's no longer fashion either, just an open invitation for rape. What, that's not how it works? Go tell it to my lawyer.
A few more of Ashlee showing off her underwear after the jump.
Oct 6 2006Jennifer Lopez doesn't pay her bills
A Los Angeles private aircraft company sued Jennifer Lopez Wednesday for failing to pay her bill after she and Marc Anthony chartered a jet to fly them and four friends from New York to Puerto Rico, and then again to fly from Farmingdale to Burbank. Neither of the $16,000 trips has been paid for and Lopez allegedly owes over $34,000. $34,000. For two flights. I swear to God, if I'm ever in a position where I can throw down $34,000 to fly to two places it's time to start giving that stuff away. And by give away, I mean stuff into a huge pile and sleep on. Because why sleep on a regular bed when you could be sleeping on one made of cash? Just do the math.
Oct 6 2006Sienna Miller offends people
In the latest issue of Rolling Stone, Sienna Miller makes a number of strange remarks, including saying monogamy is overrated and calling Pittsburgh "Shitsburgh." On monogamy she says: "I don't know, monogamy is a weird thing for me. It's an overrated virtue, because, let's face it, we're fucking animals." And on calling Pittsburgh "Shitsburgh" she issued an apology through her rep today, saying:
"I want to apologize for my comments which seem to have been misconstrued and taken out of context. I was referring to the fact that we are shooting almost all night shoots on this film and none of us have had an opportunity to fully explore the city. What I have seen of it is beautiful. I came once before to visit the Andy Warhol museum whilst researching a film and found both the city and it's inhabitants warm and gracious. My father is from Meadville and is in town to show me round this weekend. I sincerely apologize and hope people realize that conversations can be easily manipulated in print."
I can understand her jaded view on monogamy - considering Jude Law was doing it with his nanny - but she should own up to her feelings about Pittsburgh. You can't backtrack and say it was taken out of context, and then have it make less sense when you try to put it back in context. "Oh I called it Shitsburgh because I haven't had a chance to check out the city yet. What I saw was great, but I'm still gonna compare it to feces until I get a better look around." Her mouth is so full of lies right now it's surprising everything isn't coming out as shit.
Oct 6 2006Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes are best friends
Katie Holmes has taken some time off from living in Tom Cruise's basement and was spotted attending fashion week in Paris with Victoria Beckham. And yes, that's a sparkled cape Victoria is wearing. Which seems ironic to wear to fashion week. It'd be like showing up to the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show with an anteater.
A few more of Victoria and Katie being BFF after the jump.
Continue Reading "Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes are best friends"
Oct 6 2006Eva Longoria is clumsy
Eva Longoria was injured on the set of Desperate Housewives yesterday and sent to the hospital after slipping and brusing her ribs.
"Eva slipped on one of the stairs coming out of her trailer," the rep, Liza Anderson, told the Associated Press. "Nothing is broken, but her ribs are very bruised."
The injury is minor and she won't have to take any time off from work, although this isn't the first time she's been injured on set. Back in August of 2005 she had to go to the hospital after a pole fell on her head while filming. Which sounds like something I made up to be cute, but actually happened.
Oct 6 2006Vincent Libretti freaks out on Project Runway
If you watch Project Runway you've probably already seen this. If you don't watch Project Runway you probably don't even want to see it. So basically I am providing absolutely nothing for absolutely nobody. Ahh, my life is finally complete.
Thanks to the saucy Crista for the tip.
Oct 5 2006Jessica Biel might be Gumby
If you've ever wondered how Jessica Biel gets her body apparently it's by training like she's gonna try out for Cirque du Soleil. She was spotted working out outside Pro Gym in Brentwood doing whatever the heck it is she's doing up there. I mean Jesus, I'm pretty familiar with the gym but I've never seen anybody work out like that before in my life. At least she'll be prepared if she ever needs to pick up a quarter while simultaneously roundhouse kicking the person standing behind her. And really, that situation comes up like three times a week. At least.
A super duper amount more of Jessica Biel working out after the jump.
Oct 5 2006Carrot Top and the Carter brothers are boggling my mind
I'm not going to pretend I understand what's going on here. I can't even gaurantee I'll remember seeing it in three hours. Most likely my brain will repress it in an attempt to save my mind from whatever horrors it was meant to cause. I suspect the pictures weren't even taken with a camera, but rather manifested by the thoughts of some girl sitting alone in a room facing the corner. And when you flip her around to see who you're dealing with you realize she doesn't have a face.
Oct 5 2006Jude Law and Sienna Miller get drunk together
Jude Law and Sienna Miller were spotted together last night at a Pepe Jeans party at 17 Berkeley Street in Mayfair. They were smiling and kissing and, by the time the two left for the Groucho club nearby, Jude was plastered and seen stumbling his way to their car and crying a little in the back seat. Which doesn't necessarily make him a woman, just not a man. Although he could've easily covered up the crying if he started spinning his shirt over his head and yelling out, "Look at me! I'm a flagpole! Wooo!"
Some more of shots of Jude and Sienna together after the jump.
Continue Reading "Jude Law and Sienna Miller get drunk together"
Oct 5 2006Eva Longoria has fancy shoes
At what point do you become so rich and succesful you just start buying things for the sake of buying things? Because there's no way Eva Longoria woke up one morning thinking to herself, "I need to buy a pair of slippers with huge flowers on them that make me a look like a ridiculous human being. And not just huge flowers. I mean flowers so big you'll think my feet are actual giant flowers. Like God said 'For this one I'll give her flowers instead of feet.'" At least Leonardo DiCaprio's slippers make sense. They're just slippers. These, I don't even know what they are. Even if I went out tomorrow actively looking for them I don't think I'd be able to find them. And if I had them specially ordered the slipper maker would just hang up on me because he thought it was a prank call.
More of Eva Longoria's amazing slippers after the jump.
Oct 5 2006Nicole Richie and Brody Jenner break up
Nicole Richie and Brody Jenner have broken up after nearly three months of dating. And don't even ask who Brody Jenner is because nobody knows. I think he was some guy who used to date Nicole Richie or something. Anyways, they broke up because Brody enjoyed the media attention and Nicole tried to avoid it. A source says:
"Brody likes to go out a lot and doesn't mind being photographed, but Nicole prefers to stay out of the press."
Hooking up with Nicole Richie for a little spotlight is like sleeping with Gary Coleman to get an acting job. She's slightly less useful than Paris Hilton, which means if she was a car she'd lose out to this garbage can I glued wheels to.
Oct 5 2006Britney Spears makes some safety adjustments
Britney Spears has reportedly learned from her past mistakes and purchased a state-of-the-art side-impact infant car seat from Petit Tresor for her new baby Sutton Pierce.
"She said she needed the best for her baby," says a source. "She got one from Britax, whose tag line is 'Where safety is always in fashion.'"
Looks like Sean Preston got the shaft on this one. He gets dropped on his head, driven on Britney Spears' lap, and thrown in the car seat facing the wrong direction, while his younger brother gets the safest baby seat money can buy. In 10 years when Sutton Pierce is attending the best private school in the country Sean Preston is gonna get a little curious and ask mom why he has to wear a helmet all the time and take the short bus to school. And why he constantly has a craving to eat crayons.
Oct 5 2006Paris Hilton has no visible signs of injury
After getting into a fight with Shanna Moakler early yesterday morning, Paris Hilton was spotted going shopping with no visible signs of injury where Shanna supposedly punched her. So either Shanna Moakler punches like a girl (possible), Paris Hilton has a super human healing factor (not so possible), or things didn't go down the way Paris Hilton has been suggesting (very possible). She certainly could've covered up the bruising with makeup, but when you're trying to take somebody down for punching you in the jaw you play up the damage as much as possible. Maybe squirt some ketchup on there to make it look like bleeding or ask your friends to take turns hitting you to amplify the effect.
More shots of Paris and her uninjured face after the jump.
Continue Reading "Paris Hilton has no visible signs of injury"
Oct 4 2006UPDATE: Madonna adopts babies at lightning speed
Government officials in Malawi announced today that Madonna has already gone through with her adoption, choosing a one-year-old orphan from among 12 children specially chosen prior to her arrival.
"She asked us to identify boys only, which we have done after visiting four orphanages in Lilongwe," government spokeswoman Adrina Michiela said. Michiela said Madonna had wanted to adopt a girl but changed her mind two weeks ago.
I figure in a couple months when adopting African babies is no longer the thing to do, that child will never see Madonna ever again. In a few years nobody will even remember she did this. She probably won't even remember she did this. She'll come home one day, see the kid, and then call the police to report a break in and robbery. And then she'll request special reinforcements because "he's black."
UPDATE: Despite a statement by a goverment official, Madonna's rep says she has not adopted an African child. So basically Malawi is a nation of liars and tricksters who lie and trick. And me? I make broad generalizations. That's what I do.
Oct 4 2006Nick Carter and Aaron Carter have a great relationship
First Paris Hilton gets punched in the face and now I stumble upon this leaked clip from House of Carters? You can't see my face, but there's a single tear of happiness rolling down my cheek right now.
NOTE: If you are entertaining any thoughts of not watching the video, squash them. Squash them hard and now and with the fury of a thousand angry bees.
Oct 4 2006Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn break up
Us Weekly's cover story is that Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston have split. A source close to Vince says the split happened just before he left for London to begin work and that Vince told the source: "It's not common knowledge, but we're not together anymore. We've split up." Additionally, a friend of Jennifer confirmed: "They're 100% done."
No specific reason was given for the split, but I suspect it might have something to do with them being the two most grumpy human beings on the planet Earth. The only person I've seen who's more consistently bitter is my friend Dan, and he was born with a pair of testicles on is face.
Oct 4 2006Madonna to adopt African baby
Madonna arrived in Malawi today to help AIDS orphans, and the secretary to the minister for gender and child welfare says she's planning to adopt a child. Which is the equivalent of her nanny adopting a child, because I didn't even know she had children (she has two) until I read the article. Pretending you're Jesus and crucifying yourself on stage isn't the awesome parenting tool the media would have you believe. I've read books. I know.
Oct 4 2006Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler fist fight. Seriously.
Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler both filed police reports this morning alleging they were attacked. Paris claims Moakler punched her in the jaw and Moakler claims Paris's ex Stavros Niarchos poured a drink over her head and shoved her down some stairs. So basically today is the best day ever. The incident happened at Hyde at around 1:10 AM when Shanna confronted Paris and started screaming obscenities, at one point punching her in the jaw with a closed fist. The bad blood is the result of Paris getting it on with Shanna's estranged husband Travis Barker, and a source close to Paris reveals that Shanna has been leaving "menacing" messages on Paris's answering machine.
I don't normally pick sides when it comes to catfights - I usually just pour some jello or mud on the contestants - but in this case I'm going to have to side with Stavros Niarchos. Pouring drinks on her head and pushing her down the stairs? All he needs to add to his repertoire is pinching her arm and accusing her of having cooties and he'll be the oldest 4th grader in town. Classiest too. And as for Shanna herself? Well for now we'll just refer to her as Superman, because punching Paris Hilton in the face is right up there with pulling babies from burning buildings and fighting terrorists.
Some more shots of Paris and Shanna at Hyde after the jump.
Oct 3 2006Paris Hilton is a badass
You thought Avril Lavigne was a badass? Well Paris Hilton is an even badder asser. She's got chains around her neck and a profane shirt and everything. All she needs is some guy following her around with a sign that says "Badass" and she'll be the baddest assest in town. And notice how I didn't even reference these pictures. I like to keep this place a classy affair, which is why I make every post with a glass of champagne in one hand and a plate of caviar in the other. Then how do I type, you ask? I don't. Oooh, mysterious.
One more of Paris and her new look after the jump.
Oct 3 2006Donald Trump thinks Brad Pitt is smart
Donald Trump made a post on his blog yesterday commenting on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's statement that they wouldn't marry until everybody in the Untied States was legally allowed to marry. He writes:
I know a lot of men who are perfectly happy being single. They have every excuse in the world why they're not ready to get married.I thought I had heard everything until I read why Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie say they won't be tying the knot anytime soon.
In an interview in the current issue of Esquire magazine, Brad said he and Angelina won't consider getting married until - quote - "everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able."
Obviously, Brad is trying to be a social activist and make a point about dropping the restrictions on who is allowed to get married and who isn't in this country. Or at least that's what he wants people to think. Maybe he's just come up with an excellent way to stay a bachelor.
It makes him look really concerned about the plight of other people. Yet at the same time, he doesn't have to get married. This guy is smarter than I thought.
This is where I'd make fun of Donald Trump for something or another, but the guy has enough money to literally have me and my family shipped to the moon, so I'll just sit tight and ponder how a man that looks like he does managed to marry a woman that looks like she does. I'm guessing it's his personality.
Oct 3 2006Optimus Prime will say what we want him to say
You have a single goal starting now until October 12, and that's to go here, follow the directions, and make Optimus Prime utter the line he was born to utter.
Oct 3 2006Matthew McConaughey is out of his mind
TMZ has video of Matthew McConaughey brushing his teeth in his car without water as he made his way through LA. Which is perfectly reasonable behavior for a homeless man, but a little confusing when it's Matthew McConaughey. I'm just waiting for the day he's finally arrested for clubbing a woman over the head and dragging her back to his cave by her hair. At the rate he's backwards evolving I give it until lunchtime tomorrow.
NOTE: I'm guessing Matthew McConaughey got a shot of George Clooney's corn teeth and just freaked the fuck out. "I'll never be like you, George. Never!"
Oct 3 2006George Clooney is crafty
In the November issue of Vanity Fair George Clooney says he wants to go out with as many people as possible to put photographers out of business. He says:
"Here is my theory on debunking photographs in magazines, you know, the paparazzi photographs. I want to spend every single night for three months going out with a different famous actress. You know, Halle Berry one night, Salma Hayek the next, and then walk on the beach holding hands with Leonardo DiCaprio. People would still buy the magazines, they'd still buy the pictures, but they would always go, 'I don't know if these guys were putting us on or not.'"
It's a good idea, except instead of doubting the photographs everybody's just gonna think George Clooney is a bisexual man whore. He hasn't even put his plan into motion yet and I already think that. Jealousy can be a cruel mistress.
Oct 3 2006Anna Nicole Smith sued for paternity test
Larry Birkhead - the guy who claimed to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter - has filed a lawsuit demanding Anna Nicole and her daughter return to California for a paternity test. Anna was served the court papers yesterday in the Bahamas, and Birkhead says he issued the suit because she had cut off contact with him.
Knowing Anna Nicole Smith it's going to turn out the real father is some potted plant she was humping because it was late and she was horny and hey, why not, a plant's good enough to look at so why not make love to? And don't even ask me how a potted plant would get Anna Nicole pregnant. It's called the miracle of life. Look it up.
Oct 3 2006Lindsay Lohan has many chins
Linsday Lohan was spotted at Koi looking like however you would describe the above picture. Fat comes to mind. As does old. And doughy. So basically she's the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Only with more chins and not nearly as cute and lovable. Slightly more pale too.
More of Lindsay looking like she needs to lay off the sausage (pun!) after the jump.
Oct 2 2006UPDATE: Paris Hilton shows her bum
I get the feeling these shots of Paris Hilton flashing her butt cheeks at Tao are extremely old, but I don't remember seeing them before so I'm throwing them up anyway. Although the only way for Paris Hilton to be shocking these days would be if she was photographed reading a book that wasn't Highlights. And upside down. And had little drawings of kittens in the margins.
UPDATE: Turns out these are new, and are from Janet Jackson's release party at Tao. And to celebrate this newfound knowledge, I've added a few more from the set. The power to blind is mine! All mine!
Oct 2 2006Lance Armstrong and Ivanka Trump maybe get it on
Page Six is claiming that Ivanka Trump and Lance Armstrong are dating, although they have no witnesses and no sources and pretty much no reason to think they're dating at all. Their biggest piece of evidence is, and I quote, "Armstrong is also known for having an eye for hot women and was most recently linked with Paris Hilton." So sure, why not. Lance Armstrong likes hot women so obviously he's dating Ivanka Trump. The case is rock solid. Like this raging erection Bruce Willis's bald head just gave me.
Oct 2 2006Eva Longoria and Tony Parker split up
A rep for Eva Longoria and Tony Parker issued a statement last Friday saying the couple were "going through a very difficult time," but now the relationship problems have been upgraded to a full on split. A source close to the couple says: "It's distance and demanding careers and not living in same city. It didn't happen yesterday. It's been going on for a while." Additionally, Page Six reports Tony Parker was spotted at Marquee last week dancing with a blonde ex-girlfriend and swapping numbers with her. Which makes sense, because if you woke up next to this every morning you'd probably want out too. You'd probably also want to reexamine your sexuality, because sleeping with men is the first sign that you might be gay.
Oct 2 2006Mischa Barton is ready for the Christmas pageant
Mischa Barton was spotted around town wearing a shirt that says "Drop Knowledge Not Bombs" and a bottom that says "My grandmother dresses me." And the boots? Well you can't see the boots in this picture, but after the jump you'll see her boots that say "I work for Santa." I should probably be more concerned that clothing has started talking to me, but considering I just ate that burger I found in the gutter that's the least of my concerns.
More of Mischa Barton dressed like a winner after the jump.
Continue Reading "Mischa Barton is ready for the Christmas pageant"
Oct 2 2006Avril Lavigne sort of apologizes for being a dick
Avril Lavigne posted a statement on her website Friday, apologizing for spitting on the paparazzi:
In response to reports of Avril's recent run in with paparazzi, she would like to say the following: "I'd like to sincerely apologize for my behavior with the Paparazzi. It's trying at best dealing with their insistent intrusions. I meant no offense to my fans, whose relationship I truly value. I have and will always go out of my way for my fans. My behavior was a reaction to the persistent attack from the paparazzi."
If you watch the video you clearly hear her say "Fuck you" to her fans, and then sign "Fuck you" when they ask for autographs. Which, uh, I guess only an oversensitive idiot would take offense to. Because if you could see Avril's heart you would see a glowing white light of love and compassion. And also a huge smile on my face, because it means somebody had ripped it out of her chest.
Oct 2 2006Katie Holmes might be pregnant again
It'd be unfair to assume Katie Holmes is pregnant again just because she has a little bulge in her belly, but being unfair is what I'm all about. Just the other day I challenged a blind guy to a foot race. Was it fair that he got hit by a car? Probably not. Was it fair that I stole his wallet as he lay there moaning for help? Yes. Because I was hungry and lunch should always be on the loser. That's just good manners.
More shots of Katie Holmes and her little baby bulge after the jump.
