Sep 29 2006Matthew McConaughey's transformation is almost complete
Transformation into what, you ask? I have no fucking clue. But whatever it is, Matthew McConaughey has to be almost there. Because if he keeps going any further we might have to call animal control. And then a priest. And then some dude in a trench coat who hunts werewolves.
More of Matthew McConaughey looking like he needs some raw meat after the jump.
Continue Reading "Matthew McConaughey's transformation is almost complete"
Sep 29 2006Anna Nicole Smith marries Howard K. Stern
Because the madness will never end, Anna Nicole Smith and Howard K. Stern got married yesterday on a boat near Nassau. They reportedly exchanged vows, although there was no formal marriage and the ceremony isn't "legally binding" according to Anna's other lawyer, Michael Scott (just like The Office!). So basically Anna Nicole and Stern put on a little show where they pretended to get married. And I mean, why not? At the rate they're going they could become space pirates and it'd just seem like the natural progression of their lives.
Sep 29 2006Avril Lavigne spits on paparazzi
Just in case you didn't already want to punch Avril Lavigne in the face, she was caught two times in the past two nights acting like a douchebag and spitting on the paparazzi.
After celebrating her 22nd birthday at Hyde, the wannabe punk-rocker unleashed a torrent of "f*** yous" to the paparazzi and autograph seekers, even signing the pleasant greeting on some pictures. Avril and her entourage then made their way to the safety of their SUV, where she rolled the window down and loaded up a liquid projectile in her mouth. Moments later, she displayed her masterful sharpspitting skills by hitting one photographer in the face while laughing hysterically and screaming, "bitch!"
And proving that dumbassery is contagious, her husband Deryck Whibley joined in the spitting frenzy and hit a photographer in the glasses with a loogie last night at the grand opening of Area nightclub in Hollywood. Make sure you're alone when you watch the video because I gaurantee afterwards you'll be filled with a lust to murder. And God forbid there are any infants around, because the sound of her voice will drive you to punch them.
NOTE: Free Slurpee to anybody who gets the reference.
Sep 29 2006Pamela Anderson's nipples look depressed
I'm not an expert when it comes to getting old or having giant saline bags stuffed into my chest, but it seems to me if your nipples start looking like depressed tumors it's maybe time to consult a lotion specialist or a better surgeon.
The NSFW shot of Pamela Anderson's nipple after the jump.
Sep 29 2006Madonna is the richest singer in the universe
Madonna has topped Britney Spears as the highest paid female singer in the 2007 Guinness Book of Records, taking in $50 million in 2004 to beat out Britney Spears, who held the record since 2001 after earning more than $38 million in 2000.
Elsewhere in the book: Nicole Kidman set the record for the highest salary per minute for an actor (a reported $3.71 million for a four-minute commercial for Chanel No. 5) and Oprah Winfrey is named the highest-paid person on TV ($225 million, according to the last Forbes power ranking). American Idol star Simon Cowell is the highest paid TV talent-show judge (about $34 million), while Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling has the highest annual earnings for a children's author, with an estimated $64 million.
$50 million a year and the best look Madonna can come up with is looking like she's on her way to a NASCAR race. If I made $50 million a year I'd be walking around in a solid gold suit with $100 bills glued to it. They don't call me Classy McRich for nothing.
Sep 28 2006Paris Hilton is a master of disguise
Paris Hilton and Travis Barker were spotted at The Mansion club and Absinthe Bar in the Red Light District of Amsterdam. And in a pathetic attempt to dodge the paparazzi, Paris was seen leaving her hotel room in a red dress but returning wearing a brown wig and her friend Kim Kardashian's coat. Which sounds pretty clever in theory, but so does spray on hair. And last I checked that's not the miracle invention the TV would have you believe.
More of Paris and her amazing wardrobe change after the jump.
Sep 28 2006Orlando Bloom and Penelope Cruz get their jiggy on
Orlando Bloom (the perverted looking guy in the hat) was spotted leaving Club Hyde with Penelope Cruz, sparking rumors - most of which I'm starting right this second - that they're having lots and lots of sex. Most likely anal. And why would I say such horrible and disgusting things? Because I want whatever it is Matthew McConaughey has turned into to chase down Orlando Bloom and fist fight him to death for having anal sex with his ex-girlfriend. Plus a witness tells me Orlando called Matthew a "sissy girlie-man with the physique of a 13-year-old girl." And gay. He also said he was gay.
More of Orlando and Penelope sneakily driving off together in Orlando's car after the jump.
UPDATE: Maybe Matthew can just beat Orlando to death with his gigantic penis. Stuffing one sock down there usually does the trick, man. I think eight might be a bit excessive. Thanks to Aaron for the tip.
Sep 28 2006Nicole Richie's sunglasses keep growing
I give it three months before Nicole Richie's sunglasses get so big her head is just dragging on the floor. Then when she shows up to places and people ask her what's wrong she can point and laugh at them because their lame sunglasses actually fit on their head. I mean seriously, if your sunglasses don't make you look like a giant-headed space insect you're just making an ass out of yourself.
More of Nicole and her bug costume after the jump.
Sep 28 2006Jeff Timmons drives recklessly
Jeff Timmons, some guy I never heard of from 98 Degrees, was sentenced to a year of probation after being charged with reckless driving and refusing to sign a citation. He was pulled over going 60 mph in a 45 mph zone and was initially charged with a DUI but the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence when he refused to take any alcohol testing.
Finally, no more restless nights waking up in a cold sweat wondering if Jeff Timmons is okay. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my soul. I don't think a day has gone by I haven't kept his memory in my heart. Or something. You know what I mean. He's very famous after all. Some say 98 Degrees was more important to society than the discovery of fire.
Sep 28 2006Christina Aguilera buys stuff for Britney Spears' kid
I didn't even know there was one, but the feud between Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera is reportedly over. Christina bought a $570 gift bag for Britney's new son, Sutton Pierce, which includes a hooded towel, overalls, slippers, and a crockery set.
The goodies will be added to the lavish room little Sutton Pierce shares with older brother Sean Preston, which according to L&S cost Spears $100,000 to redecorate in blue with nautical themes and a large SPF - the initials of both tykes - stenciled on the wall. "Britney worked with two designers to make the nursery state of the art," a friend told the mag. "She told the decorators to spare no expense. She's indulging herself and her new son. This is definitely the most joyous time of her life."
And no, Chirstina Aguilera hasn't turned into a bald black man, that's just a shot of the gift bag she got for Britney. Although sometimes I wonder what it would be like if she really did turn into a bald black man. My fantasies would be a little different, but I can't say I'm not a little curious. Oh wait, yes I can. I can say it very loudly.
Sep 28 2006Paris Hilton " Nothing In This World" music video
I tried to avoid posting Paris Hilton's new music video for "Nothing In This World" but the 4 gazillion emails in my inbox say that's not gonna happen. I think the main message of the video is that Paris Hilton likes grinding her crotch against 14-year-old boys. There's also some references to The Girl Next Door so maybe she's implying she used to do porno. It's a bold move to combine the creative vision of a music video with the truthfulness of a documentary.
Sep 27 2006Gwen Stefani slips her bra
I guess when you're wearing a damn parachute as a shirt it's bound to blow open every once in awhile. Although I'm curious as to what she did with Waldo's body after she murdered him and stripped off his clothes.
More of Gwen Stefani's ridiculously puffy shirt after the jump.
Sep 27 2006Anna Nicole Smith's daughter has multiple fathers; cause of son's death revealed
Larry Birkhead, the photojournalist who claimed to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, says Howard K. Stern's announcement of being the real father is "laughable" and that Birkhead is willing to take a DNA test to prove it. In an interview with Us, Birkhead says:
"I am not surprised he would say this but I am laughing at it. Larry King didn't even believe Howard." Birkhead also tells Us that he is willing to take a DNA test anytime to prove he is the father. "I have asked for a DNA test and I welcome it. I am in good spirits this morning because I know I am the father of the child. I look forward to having a relationship with my new daughter."
While I was in the middle of writing this People posted the cause of Daniel Smith's death according to the toxicology report: a lethal combination of methadone, Zoloft and Lexapro which caused a cardiac dysrhythmia. So basically a poor combination of medicines made Daniel stop breathing and he died. Case closed, mystery solved. And not a single person had to have their face ripped off to reveal it was really old man Jenkins all along.
Sep 27 2006Terrell Owens didn't try to kill himself
Earlier today a Dallas TV station obtained a police report saying Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens tried to kill himself by overdosing on pain medication, but now Owens is speaking out saying the report was wrong. He says:
"There was no suicide attempt," the NFL star said. "Rumors of me taking 35 pills are absurd." Owens, who was hospitalized Tuesday night, said he'd had a bad reaction after mixing pain medication, which he'd been given to treat an injury to his hand, with some supplements. As for reports that he'd claimed to be depressed, Owens said, "No, I'm not depressed by any means. I'm very happy to be here. I'm here to help the team get on a roll." Owens's publicist, Kim Etheredge, who was with the football player Tuesday night, said at the news conference that she called 911 when she noticed he was non-responsive to her questions. "When I see a man of his stature not responding and I know he's not feeling well, I used my judgment to call 911," she said. "I did not say that Terrell was depressed. Terrell did not say he was depressed."
Taking 35 pills and not taking 35 pills seems like a pretty big disparity. Even more so considering a specific number was mentioned. Not 36 pills or 34 pills or 'a whole lotta' pills, but exactly 35. Like when I say I've had sex with Alessandra Ambrosio 48 times you know it's the truth because I'm being specific to the number of times we've done it. Speaking of which, if you're reading, Alessandra, let's make it 49. Perfect squares are the shit.
Sep 27 2006Kate Beckinsale hits the beach
I'm not entirely sure these photos are new. I'm not entirely sure if these photos are even of Kate Beckinsale. The only thing I can confirm is that I masturbated to them twice. Three if you include that thing I did with the washing machine. Which you shouldn't, because if nobody sees you do it, it shouldn't count. So really I didn't masturbate at all to these. Who's the pervert now, pervert?
A ton more of Kate Beckinsale and her lovely white bikini after the jump.
Sep 27 2006Dustin Diamond has a sex tape
I really hope this isn't true, but Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) supposedly has a 40-minute sex tape in which he engages in a threesome with two women and even performs a Dirty Sanchez.
Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he's acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond. "Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," he tells us, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it."
The working title for the sex tape is "Saved by the Smell," but they should consider changing it to "The Last Video You Will Ever Watch" and then package a gun with every copy of the tape, so that after you watch it you can blow out your own brains. Because after you see a naked Screech wiping a women's upper lip with her own feces I can't imagine your brain could be thinking anything other than self termination. Kill the body to save the mind.
Sep 27 2006Victoria Bekcham has the biggest pants ever
Victoria Beckham was spotted shopping in Rome wearing the world's largest pair of pants. I'm guessing either she was having a fat day or she's decided to take up that paper route in Compton again.
More of Victoria Beckham and her fat man pants after the jump.
Continue Reading "Victoria Bekcham has the biggest pants ever"
Sep 27 2006Kate Moss goes back to being Kate Moss
Kate Moss is officially back with Pete Doherty, and just as quickly as that happened are coming reports that she's back to sniffing cocaine. She attended a Babyshambles concert last night in Ireland and was spotted with mysterious white blobs in her nose. Some witnesses speculate it was toothpaste or zit cream, but unless Kate was dropped as a child I'm pretty sure that's not the case. I've got a friend who sniffs toothpaste, but he also wears a helmet to work and occasionally mistakes the mailbox for a doggy. And by work I of course mean the dumpster out back which he thinks is his office. It's sad, but it's also hilarious.
Sep 27 2006Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer is her baby's father
Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer, Howard K. Stern, announced yesterday on CNN's Larry King that he's the father of her baby girl, finally completing the soap opera that is Anna Nicole's life.
Sep 26 2006Paris Hilton gets charged
Paris Hilton has been officially charged for the incident earlier this month with two misdemeanors including driving under the influence and driving with a blood-alcohol level of .08 or higher. Her arraignment is set for Thursday and she faces a maximum punishment of a $1,000 fine and/or six months in jail.
"I'd be very surpised if she does any jailtime," says Lawrence Taylor, an L.A.-based attorney with 30 years experience handling DUI cases. "If she pleads guilty, she'd likely pay a fine, attend DUI school and be on probation for three years." "Paris regrets the entire event," Mintz told People. "She had never been arrested before, so to go through the police procedure was very disorienting for her. It was personally humiliating for her; she is not taking it lightly or frivolously."
And just cause, here are some pictures of Paris Hilton in Germany promoting the ultra classy canned sparkling wine, Rich Prosecco. You'd think a DUI might affect Paris Hilton's ability to promote canned alcohol, but that would only make sense in a world that isn't completely mad, where people get paid more money to occasionally flash their genitals than to save lives.
Sep 26 2006Server downtime
For the first time in who knows how long we had downtime and it wasn't our fault. Our hosting provider is having serious network issues at the moment although they promise us they're doing their best to resolve it. I picture them lying in a hammock with a margarita in one hand and a cigar in the other, and if the site goes down again we'll know I was right. In which case angry worded letters will be written and rear ends kicked.
Sep 26 2006Lindsay Lohan isn't a criminal mastermind
Lindsay Lohan allegedly put together a plot to get back at her ex-boyfriend Harry Morton for dumping her. She was overheard on Saturday calling Paris Hilton's ex, Stavros Niarchos, asking him to help her get revenge, saying: "No one can know I got dumped ...You will look like a total stud, and it will drive Paris crazy [if we hang out together]." Niarchos went along with the plan and the two showed up Sunday at Dragonfly "where they held hands and made out all night and then drove in separate cars back to [Lohan's] suite at the Chateau."
So basically Lindsay Lohan's idea of revenge is to let random guys have sex with her. I'm not saying it isn't genius, but if I were trying to rob a bank I probably wouldn't put her in charge of the plans. Because her brilliant strategy for getting into the vault would be throwing an orange at it and then having sex with a highschool football team.
Sep 26 2006Kirsten Dunst is legally blind
I always suspected Kirsten Dunst was a 65-year-old blind grandma and now I've got the photographic evidence to prove it. Never again will I be caught empty handed when I get into random arguments with strangers as to the age and ocular health of Kirsten Dunst.
More of Kirsten enjoying her Blueblocker Sunglasses after the jump.
Sep 26 2006Kendra Wilkinson is almost as smart as your dog
If you've ever seen The Girls Next Door you know Kendra Wilkinson might be legally retarded. But just in case you had your doubts, she posted an unintelligible rant on her website saying:
"I want you guys to know that I know that this fantasy land I live now doesn't last forever and I now that and thats why i go to school. This can all go away in the blink of an eye so I am also using this situation to save money for my future. Oh yeah and what you see on tv is not always the truth by the way even if its a reallity show."
If you sped through that your brain might have filled in all the mistakes with words that make sense and are spelled right. If you went through it slowly you most likely never made it out the end. I'd send a rescue team to get you, but we've lost enough men as it is.
Sep 26 2006Kirsten Dunst dresses to impress
I'd understand this outfit if she was in her backyard doing some gardening, but this isn't something that's worn out in public. At least not if you've graduated middle school. Or have the power of sight.
Sep 25 2006Scarlett Johansson gets scandalous waxings
Page Six reports that sources from DaTommaso restaurant say Scarlett Johansson was a nervous wreck before getting her first Brazilian waxing at the Oasis Day Spa and that the waxing crew "couldn't stop admiring her body."
Hopefully this'll save you the trouble of ever running up to Scarlett Johansson and asking her what the situation with her pubic hair is. Because trust me, pretending it's for a school project doesn't work at all. And you wouldn't think a 5'4" girl would be capable of uppercutting a full grown adult through a store window in slow motion as onlookers gasp but you'd be wrong. Because she totally killed my friend Larry that way. Murderer!
Sep 25 2006Steven Tyler has hepatitis C
Steven Tyler says he was diagnosed with hepatitis C three years ago and has been secretly battling it, telling Access Hollywood's Nancy O'Dell that after a year of treatments, "It is nonexistent in my bloodstream ... where it's like a complete cure."
So now Steven Tyler has joined Pamela Anderson on the list of people I never ever want to share a needle with. Not because they both have hepatitis, but because I hear ugly might be contagious and I'm not taking any chances.
Sep 25 2006David Hasselhoff's daughter tries to kill herself
David Hasselhoff's 14-year-old daughter attempted to commit suicide last night by trying to "cut herself." She was taken to a local hospital for treatment although her condition isn't being disclosed.
I don't want to be too insensitive about this, but I can see how waking up every morning knowing you might see your dad doing this (watch the video) would really crush your spirits. It's tough enough being a teenager, but combine that with being The Hoff's kid and there's really no way you're gonna make it through life without trying this at least once.
UPDATE: Reports are now coming in that Hasselhoff's suicide call to the police may have been phony. Which possibly makes him the worst human being on the planet, second only to that guy who keeps stealing my newspaper. You stealing bastard, I'm going to kill you!
Sep 25 2006Scarlett Johansson is a garbage man
Scarlett Johansson showed up to the Established & Sons anniversary party on Saturday dressed as a garbage man. Which would've been awesome except that it wasn't a costume party. It's hard to go wrong when you look as good as Scarlett Johansson. Just glue some magnifying lenses to your boobs and the rest of the outfit usually works itself out. Obviously something went very wrong here. I'd venture a guess somebody told her the party was government worker themed, but she doesn't look quite incompetent enough to work at the DMV.
NOTE: This obviously doesn't make any sense because I just said she was dressed as a garbage man, so why would a garbage man be working at the DMV? Clearly I don't even know what I'm typing anymore. Space moon to the rescue!
Sep 25 2006Kevin Federline drops PopoZao
Perhaps in a moment of clarity, Kevin Federline has dropped PopoZao from his debut CD Playing With Fire and reportedly replaced it with a duet with Britney Spears called Crazy. Additionally, a rapper who had claimed to write most of the lyrics for Federline told the New York Daily News: "I didn't have nothing to do with that, dog."
I wonder why everybody is suddenly distancing themselves from what I believe is the greatest song ever written in the history of sound. Did Leonardo DaVinci pretend he didn't paint the Mona Lisa? Was Michelangelo ashamed of the Sistine Chapel? Perhaps we've forgotten just how powerful and moving Federline's tribute to Brazilian ass is. And if that's the case, my friends, then the terrorists have truly won.
Sep 25 2006Aaron Carter chickens out of marriage
In the surprise of the century, 18-year-old Aaron Carter has called off his engagement to his older brother's ex, 22-year-old Playboy model Kari Ann Peniche, just a week after proposing to her in Las Vegas. Aaron says:
"I got caught up in the moment and proposed. I then realized it was a hasty thing to do and I am not ready for marriage quite yet."
Not ready for marriage? I'm not even sure if he's ready for big boy underwear. I saw him at McDonalds the other day and I'm pretty sure he ordered a Happy Meal with - and I believe these were his exact words - "extra happy."
