Sep 22 2006Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton break up
Multiple sources are claiming Harry Morton broke up with Lindsay Lohan yesterday at Chateau Marmont after they had dinner on the courtyard patio.
"She was too much drama," says the source. "Lindsay did cut down on the partying, but with her it's all relative. Harry is sober. It wasn't the partying that broke them up. She's young and a little bit immature. Harry's more low-key and not into the same stuff she's into." Indeed, Lohan, 20, was spotted at Hollywood's Chateau Marmont on Thursday, running onto the patio where four of her friends were sitting - and weeping, a wad of tissues on one hand, her cell phone in the other. After the Chateau, Lohan went to Hyde Lounge, where she arrived around 12:30 a.m. and stayed until the hot spot closed at 2 a.m. She mingled with friends and didn't appear to be distraught: "She was having a blast," says one patron, "even with a broken hand."
It's ironic to think the owner of a restaurant called the Pink Taco would end a relationship because it wasn't mature enough for him. That'd be like Mr. T breaking up with a woman because she had on too much gold jewelry and referred to herself in the third person. And pitied fools. And was constantly telling kids to stay in school and drink their milk.
Sep 22 2006Cameron Diaz looks decent in brown
Dare I say it, Cameron Diaz actually looks somewhat attractive as a brunette. She attended the release party for Justin Timberlake's "FutureSex/LoveSounds" sporting her newish hair and it almost makes you forget her mouth is large enough to swallow entire planets.
More of Cameron Diaz looking better than normal after the jump.
Sep 22 2006Barbra Streisand goes braless
I don't know what I've said in the past two years that might make anybody even remotely think I'd be interested in seeing Barbra Streisand braless, but reader Pagan felt it necessary to share this wonderful sight with me. And it's ironic to call it a sight, because after seeing it you won't be doing any of that ever again. The shot was taken at the Clinton Global Initiative in New York, although it might as well have been hell.
Sep 22 2006Hugh Grant is mean to the paparazzi
Hugh Grant yelled at and slapped a photographer yesterday after he took his picture in London. Photographer Bradley Case says he had just taken the picture when Hugh snapped back:
"You're nothing but a stupid t-. If you don't [bleep] off, I'm gonna cut your b- off." Case says he proceeded to "slap me hard across the face." Case is planning to press assault charges.
I love Mad Libs which is why I've taken the liberty of filling in those expletives with my own personal combination of nouns and verbs. So now without further ado I present for you the unedited Hugh Grant insult-o-matic: "You're nothing but a stupid [tomato]. If you don't [jump] off, I'm gonna cut your [boobies] off." Oh that Hugh. His words, they make no sense!
Sep 22 2006Lindsay Lohan is a dancing queen
Lindsay Lohan was spotted outside The Lot doing what can only be described as high karate kicks in between her cigarette puffs. If you watch the video you can even hear the paparazzi confused as to what they're seeing. "Is that her right there? Oh my God, that is Lindsay. She's got the cast on." Yeah, I wouldn't know what to make of it either. All this time we thought Lindsay was breaking her limbs slipping at parties and in showers when really she's just been keeping our streets safe from invisible monsters. She didn't name her legs 'Justice' and 'Fury' for nothing.
Sep 22 2006Lou Diamond Phillips gets charged
Lou Diamond Phillips was charged yesterday with domestic battery and could face a maximum sentence of one year in jail and a $2,000 fine. The charges came from an incident last month in whihc he got into an argument with his girlfriend that escalated into a physical fight which ended up with the girlfriend "pushed and dragged across the house resulting in scrapes to both knees."
That picture probably isn't relevant at all but what better way to convey domestic abuse than a shot of the abuser trying to take a bite out of some woman's head? I guess I could've Photoshopped a bat into there. And not the baseball variety. I'm talking vampire, baby.
Sep 22 2006Anna Nicole Smith's son gets death certificate
Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer announced yesterday that authorities issued a death certificate for her son Wednesday but left the cause of death as "pending chemical analysis." The certificate lets Anna Nicole bury her son, although pathologists won't receive the test results until two weeks.
"It is not unusual in instances where the cause of death cannot be determined to issue a death certificate," Gomez told The Associated Press. "This is not a matter of special treatment being given in this particular case."
I think it'd be ironic if the cause of death turned out to be a crocodile bite. Well, ironic or highly offensive. Maybe both. What am I, a psychic?
Sep 21 2006Paris Hilton is super generous
TMZ has a video of a homeless man coming up to Paris Hilton while she's ordering McDonalds drive-thru and saying, quote, "You Paris Hilton! Can I get a hundred dollars?" Paris then reaches beside her and gives the guy a crumpled up $100 bill. Although you know if the cameras weren't there this would've played out completely differently. I imagine locked doors, rolled up windows, maybe some yelling, and a frantic call to the police saying: "A crazy black man just tried to rape me outside McDonald's! Should I run over him? I think I should run over him!"
Sep 21 2006Petra Nemcova is naturally fat
In the wake of Madrid Fashion Week banning models who are too skinny, Petra Nemcova tells People magazine she's naturally more curvy and struggles with her weight, even having to drop carbs and take laxatives to get down to her size zero.
"I went through so many diets in my life. I've been very, very skinny. I've been a size zero but I'm naturally more curvy. I ate just vegetables, carrots, tomatoes. I went from a just-protein diet to just eating apples to eating no carbs. I took laxatives. I went through all of it just to be able to model."
You mean at 5'10" Petra Nemcova isn't naturally 94 lbs? The hell you say. Next you'll be telling me elephants don't roam the savanna stacked on top of each other riding around on bicycles. I've been to the circus. I know what's up.
Sep 21 2006Paris Hilton admits her stupidity
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Paris Hilton was questioned by the LAPD during the investigation into the home-invasion robbery of Girls Gone Wild producer Joe Francis (in which he was tied up, had his pants pulled down, was taunted by a dildo, and forced to admit on tape that he enjoyed gay sex) and in the audio tape admits she's not very bright:
"Like I really ... I don't remember. I'm not like that smart," Hilton said in police audio tapes set to air on "Dateline NBC" on Saturday night. LAPD Detective Steve Koman and Deputy DA Hoon Chun were asking Hilton to remember what she told Francis at a party shortly after the "Girls" mastermind was victimized on Jan. 24, 2004. Francis passed on Paris' information to cops, who eventually busted Darnell Riley. But when investigators pressed Hilton to recall her talk with Francis, she didn't remember much, The Post's David K. Li reports. "I like forget stuff all the time," she said.
Hilton also told the cops about "private tapes" that were stolen from her home and that a mysterious caller wanted money for them.
"They ... wanted money. They were tryin' to sell it to like a newspaper or something," said Hilton, who balked at paying - and chalked it up to advice from dear old Dad. "So if you pay somebody, then you're gonna be paying for the rest of your life," Hilton said. "My dad always taught me. They'll keep the tape anyway."
There's too much going on here. Joe Francis admitting he's gay and almost getting sodomized. Paris Hilton admitting she's mentally handicapped. Maybe if I throw in these pictures of her pumping gas your brain will explode from an overdose of pleasure. And then, my friends, my mission in life will be complete. For I am Exploderhead: the exploder of heads.
Sep 21 2006Beyonce Knowles has multiple personality disorder
Beyonce Knowles tells Blender that she created an alter ego named Sasha who she turns into whenever she's feeling doubtful about herself. She says:
"When I feel uncomfortable about something, I tell myself, 'I'm Sasha, I'm a diva, I'm fierce, I can do it.' And then I can. Sometimes when Beyonce slips through, I'm like 'Hold up, come back!' Sasha protects me. It's a good way to keep sane."
Yes, creating imaginary characters in your head is definitely the best way to keep sane. I've got this dude named Clifford in my head. He tells me to cut people. Without him I don't know what I'd do. Maybe lead a normal life of not cutting people? Fuck that. Clifford knows what's up. He's got my back and that's why he's my bestest friend in all the world.
Sep 21 2006Michael Jackson goes out of his mind Lucky Charms style
According to Ireland's Daily Mirror, Michael Jackson has been looking into buying an estate on the Emerald Isle, and is supposedly interested in opening up a - wait for it - leprechaun-inspired theme park.
"Michael is deadly serious about this idea," a source told Ireland's Daily Mirror. "He loves the whole idea of leprechauns and the magic and myths of Ireland. It would cost around 500 million Euros [about $635 million] to do. He's always wanted to open his own theme park and he thinks Ireland is the perfect place and it will all be built around the leprechaun theme." The cash-strapped singer reportedly is meeting with businessmen to raise money for the park. There are regular sightings of the reclusive singer in Ireland, and one newspaper there has set up a Wacko Watch Hotline for readers to phone in sightings.
Because if America won't accept your insane ideas why not just ship 'em over to Ireland? There they at least drink enough the idea might work. And here? Well here we just make gross generalizations about other cultures.
Sep 20 2006Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake almost murdered
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Cameron Diaz has filed a police report against a photographer charging him with assault with a deadly weapon for allegedly trying to hit her and Justin Timberlake with his car. The LAPD says:
"On Sept. 19, just after midnight, Cameron Diaz filed a report with the LAPD. The incident happened on the 1600 block of King Road in Hollywood. Diaz and Justin Timberlake were leaving a friend's home when a photographer hiding in the bushes tried to take a photograph of her. They both then chased the photographer for a short distance. The photographer then got into his car and drove toward both (of) them, causing Diaz to jump out of the car's way. She felt the driver was trying to hit both of them, and so she filed the report. She's alleging assault with a deadly weapon, with a vehicle. No arrests were made. We currently have no suspects, and the investigation is ongoing."
X17, the photo agency the photographer was working for, has posted this statement on their website detailing their side of the story:
To the best of our knowledge, the pictures and video of Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz early morning on Tuesday, September 19 were taken on a public street where there was no "Private Drive" or "Private Property" sign visible. What the photographer knows he saw and what the pictures show, were at least two people verbally and physically assaulting him. Reports stating that Ms. Diaz has told police that the photographer tried to run her over with his car are completely false. The photographer was attempting to leave what he perceived to be a dangerous situation for him and when he tried to do so, Ms. Diaz and at least one other member of her entourage stood in front of his car in an attempt to entrap him. He drove around them at what he perceived to be a safe distance, as at least five members of Ms. Diaz and Mr. Timberlake's group were yelling at him, making threats against him. The photographer is currently in the process of filing a complaint against Ms. Diaz and Mr. Timberlake.
The paparazzi cross the line all the time but they're usually pretty truthful when it comes to what happened and it almost always turns out the celebrity has twisted everything to make them look like the bad guys. I spotted Jessica Alba on the street once and pulled out my camera phone to snap a pic, but then she freaked out and called the cops, accusing me of assault with a deadly weapon. And sure, my pants were down at the time, but my penis ain't deadly, baby, it just looks like it is.
More shots of Justin and Cameron freaking out at the incident after the jump.
Sep 20 2006Joe Simpson likes to photograph his daughters
Jessica and Ashlee Simpson's dad, Joe Simpson, has reportedly become a paparazzi to make some side cash and to influence how his daughters are portrayed in the media.
According to sources who've had recent dealings with him, Simpson has a tight working arrangement with WireImage, the mega-agency and wire service that rules the red-carpet at nearly every high-profile event in the western hemisphere. On several occasions, a camera-wielding Simpson has gone toe-to-toe with other snappers for shots of his own daughters, then approved only his own images for distribution through WireImage. At other times, he has provided the agency with exclusive (and even racy) shots of his daughters on family getaways or in other putatively private moments.Needless to say, other photographers aren't happy. One recalled being invited to cover an event sponsored by Jessica's record label, Epic, only to find her shots blocked again and again by Joe and his Nikon. "I thought it was really odd that he was always in my way, since I was the one who was paid to be there shooting," she says. Though the freelancer did manage to get some clean shots, Joe's were the only ones WireImage deemed worthy of being distributed.
So basically Joe Simpson has gone from talking about his daughters' breasts to photographing them with a camera. If he keeps this up he'll be a shoe in to sweep at this year's World's Creepiest Dads Awards. He would've had it last year but then there was that one guy with the basement and the penguin, and really, he just deserved to win.
Continue Reading "Joe Simpson likes to photograph his daughters"
Sep 20 2006Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock finally have sex
More than a month after getting married, Pamela Anderson has announced on her official website that she and Kid Rock have slept together, saying:
"Not pregnant yet. But we have consummated the marriage!"
Which is sort of like a shark saying: "I have a lot of teeth and I bite things." Pamela could've made the same statement during the reception and it still would've been accurate. The only way these two didn't have sex before, during, and after the wedding is if Kid Rock's penis fell off. And even then I'd just assume he used the stub. Or scar tissue. Whatever, I'm not a doctor.
Continue Reading "Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock finally have sex"
Sep 19 2006Mischa Barton is a dirty hippie
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I'm all for retro, but Mischa Barton's dress makes her look like a time traveler from the 70's. Only not nearly as cool as that sounds, because if it was there'd probably be a dinosaur in the background having a fist fight with Abraham Lincoln. And you'd put your money on the dinosaur, but old Abe has a mean uppercut.
More of Mischa looking like she's given up showering after the jump.
Sep 19 2006Kate Moss and Pete Doherty caught trying to have sex
Kate Moss and Pete Doherty were reportedly so horny that they were close to having sex on a bench at celebrity rehab center The Priory this weekend.
My man on the inside at the clinic's Southgate branch, in North London, said: "It happened between half six and seven o'clock on Sunday evening. There were a group of people attending a self-help group for the day. Because it was pleasant weather, their leader suggested they move things outside. But during their session they noticed a couple getting rather fruity on a nearby bench. They were kissing and groping each other. Hands were going up clothing and there was lots of groaning. They were practically having full-blown sex. Then people realised it was Moss and Doherty - her skinny blue jeans were the giveaway. But a second later the couple noticed they were being watched and pulled away."
I've stopped trying to figure out why Kate Moss is attracted to Pete Doherty. Obviously there are things in this world that man just wasn't meant to understand. Like the meaning of life. Or math.
Sep 19 2006Scarlett Johansson loves her boobies
In the latest issue of InStyle Scarlett Johansson says she's in love with her breasts. Actually she doesn't say that at all, but she's not totally disgusted by the way she looks. And that's practically like saying she's in love with her breasts. And even if it isn't, I think I've said it enough times to at least have her covered. She says:
"I'm curvy - I'm never going to be 5'11' and 120 pounds. But I feel lucky to have what I've got."
She says some other stuff too but why bother with words when you can just look at pictures? That's what my teachers taught me in highschool and now I spel and rite like a champeeon.
Sep 19 2006Kylie Minogue has some fancy shoes
I'm not entirely sure what look Kylie Minogue is going for here, but I think my dad owns those same sandals. Only he isn't a pop singer sex-symbol. He's more of a 50-ish year old man who plays golf and walks around the house in his underwear. Which is sort of like a sex-symbol, but only to disgusting perverts who may or may not be blind in both eyes.
More of Kylie and her lovely sandals after the jump.
Sep 19 2006Aaron Carter is engaged
Aaron Carter is engaged to Playboy Playmate Kari Ann Peniche - who previously dated his brother Nick - after proposing to her Saturday in Las Vegas while they were onstage in front of 200 people during the Playboy Comedy Tour at the Palms Casino Resort.
"I'm very excited about it," Peniche tells People. "Aaron is the most genuine person I know. He's kind, loving, and I love him so much. I don't remember it happening. It was such a blur," says Peniche about the surprise proposal. "I had no idea he was going to do this, but I'm glad he did."
Call me a prude but I don't think I'd ever marry somebody knowing my brother has already screwed them. Then again I'd also never 'frost my tips' or sing pop ballads to 12-year-old girls. I would, however, talk like a pirate today. All day. Because that just makes sense. Yarr!
Sep 18 2006Victoria Beckham slips her nipple
A more accurate title might be "Victoria's Beckham slips whatever the heck is on her chest" because I'm not actually sure if Victoria Beckham's nipple is condsidered a nipple anymore. If you want your breasts to look that incredibly fake why bother with surgery at all? You might as well just stuff your bra with Legos. I drew two concentric circles onto a grapefruit using a permanent marker and it still looks more human than whatever she has going on. So does my niece's Barbie doll. And maybe even the fire hydrant outside my apartment.
More of Victoria Beckham and her creepy looking molestor friend after the jump.
Sep 18 2006Lindsay Lohan breaks her arm
Lindsay Lohan was rushed to the hospital Saturday after slipping and falling at a Fashion Week party and fracturing her wrist.
Lohan's publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, said the 20-year-old actress slipped and fell at the Milk Studios in New York, fracturing her wrist in two places. She was taken to St. Vincent's Hospital, and Sloane said Lindsay's mother drove in from Long Island to meet her. Sloane added that "there's a pending investigation" into the accident, after Lohan claimed Milk Studios didn't take proper measures to prevent slips on the slick ground.
Back in May Lindsay slipped and broke her foot trying to get out of the shower so this is sort of like her thing now. She's Lindsay Lohan, the girl who slips and breaks things. And if she's serious about "investigating" the accident she could save herself a lot of time and effort by just asking random people to call her a dumbass. Because that's what the police will be doing when they receive a call from Linday Lohan asking them to stop tracking down murderers and look into why she falls down all the time.
NOTE: The answer, by the way, rhymes with balcohol.
Sep 18 2006Nicole Richie tries to hide
I don't know much about looking inconspicuous, but I do know waving a giant handbag in front of your face isn't the way to go about it. If Nicole Richie was a spy all the other spies would infiltrate the office building dressed like potted plants and she'd show up in a giant baked potato costume.
More of Nicole Richie trying pathetically to hide herself after the jump.
Sep 18 2006Anna Nicole Smith's son gets second autopsy
A second autopsy was performed Sunday on Anna Nicole Smith's son but the results were inconclusive. The examiner ruled out several potential natural causes including heart disease, stroke, or a "congenital anomaly," but also affirmed that it didn't look like there was any foul play involved.
"I don't find anything that would cause me to believe there is something in terms of some traumatic injury that was inflicted, or somebody having done something to him in some cryptic manner that could not be observed," Wecht told reporters outside the morgue where he performed the procedure.
They might as well have sent a talking duck to solve the case, because we've got an entire investigative force, multiple witnesses, a ton of doctors, and we still know absolutely nothing more about her son's death than we did the day it happened. At least if there was a talking duck at some point the sarge would ask him what progress he's made and he'd shoot back, "How should I know? I'm a freaking duck!" And then we could all have a nice chuckle and forget what a horrible insolvable case this is.
Sep 18 2006Britney Spears and Kevin Federline name son
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reportedly named their newborn son Sutton Pierce Federline, though they've yet to confirm the naming or even the fact that they've given birth. Coincidentally (or maybe on purpose but that would be really sad) Sutton Pierce now shares the same initials as his older brother, Sean Preston Federline. Which is fun for like three hours, but then it's gonna suck when they need to buy matching embroidered handkerchiefs. "And why would they need embroidered handkerchiefs?" you might ask. Well how else are they supposed to look snooty as they blow their noses or surrender to the opposing army with a makeshift white flag? Huh, smartass? Next time think before you ask stupid questions.
