Sep 15 2006Jessica Biel kisses her girlfriend
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Combine this picture with this picture and you have yourself a veritable cornucopia of orgasms. Not sure if "veritable cornucopia" is the appropriate phrase to use here, but it just feels right. As does my hand...down my pants.
More of Jessica Biel and her friend after the jump, although the one above is the best of the bunch.
Sep 15 2006Jessica Simpson pretends to shop for groceries
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Considering her rock hard understanding of canned tuna, it's pretty clear Jessica Simpson has never shopped for groceries in her entire life. And yet here she is at Ralphs fishing for attention by pretending to. She must be some sort of magician because I see her go in with a shopping cart but I don't see her come out with one. Or groceries for that matter. As if pretending to actually buy groceries was too much trouble so she just wandered around aimlessly asking people if they knew who she was, occasionally stopping to pick up a melon, squeeze it, and say "Yup, that's a good one." And then an employee would come over and ask her to please stop squeezing all the boxes of Animal Crackers.
More of Jessica Simpson pretending to shop at Ralphs after the jump.
Sep 15 2006Eddie Murphy and Scary Spice get serious
Eddie Murphy brought Scary Spice and her 7-year-old daughter to his annual family vacation with his five kids in Hawaii last month, suggesting the two are getting very serious about their relationship.
During the weeklong trip in late August, the party of eight bonded while lounging poolside in private cabanas and dining out together at the island's branch of Spago. Says one onlooker: "There was a lot of togetherness between the families." At a Fourth of July BBQ Murphy hosted at his Beverly Hills home, the pair "were very loving and cute together," says a source. And Murphy recently escorted Brown to his favorite haunt, L.A.'s Laugh Factory, where "they were very cozy," says a witness. The British singer is spending more time at her L.A. house to be close to the actor. "(Eddie) seems very happy with her, and that's what's important to me," says Murphy's big brother Charlie. "He's in a good place. If she does that (for him), then that's great."
It's hard to go anywhere but up after being caught picking up a transvestite hooker but it seems Eddie Murphy has still somehow managed to screw that up. If you want to quash rumors you're into women with penises you don't go out and hook up with Scary Spice. That's like trying to convince your friends you don't like doing it with porcupines and then introducing them to your new hedgehog girlfriend. Or some other analogy that doesn't involve having sex with small rodents.
Sep 15 2006Dog the Bounty Hunter gets arrested
Duane "Dog" Chapman and two of his co-stars on Dog the Bounty Hunter were arrested yesterday in Hawaii on charges of illegal detention and conspiracy in the capture of the Max Factor heir three years ago. Dog and his crew had gone to Mexico to grab the guy on rape charges, but were arrested themselves when they refused to hand him over to Mexican authorities. They posted bail but never returned for their court hearing. It was the case that blew Dog to fame and led to his reality show, and now he's been arrested and faces an extradition hearing to Mexico for it.
Chapman, son Leland Chapman and associate Timothy Chapman were taken into custody and did not resist arrest, said Mark Hanohano, U.S. Marshal for the district of Hawaii. "It went down without incident," Hanohano said. Chapman, shackled at his ankles and wearing a blue muscle T-shirt at his first court appearance Thursday, said the government was jealous of his success in hunting down criminals. "You see what the American government is doing to us? They throw us in jail," Chapman said in a federal courtroom. "I'm so upset about this."
I'm not a police officer but it seems to me that if a guy helps you put a rapist away you probably shouldn't reward him by having him arrested. Give him a medal or buy him a cup of soup, but don't throw him in jail. That's just poor manners.
Sep 14 2006Kate Bosworth has a nipple slip
Kate Bosworth accidentally slipped her nipple at the Another Magazine after party on Tuesday as she bent over to greet Kirsten Dunst. At least I think it's her nipple. When your sternum resembles a cheese grater it's hard to tell just what exactly is what. Her chest looks like somebody glued little water balloons to a washboard. Which sounds sexy in theory, but you might be surprised. And if you find yourself tempted to masturbate to these pictures, just head over to your local cemetary and dig up the real thing. It's erotic and it's classy.
More of Kate Bosworth's nipple slip after the jump.
Sep 14 2006Jessica Simpson challenges Victoria Beckham to tan off
Jessica Simpson was spotted leaving Social nightclub looking like she fell into a vat of orange Hi-C. And either Splash has some magical cameras that make celebrities look nothing like they normally look, or Jessica Simpson is officially turning into an orangutan. At least when Victoria Beckham shows up overly tanned she still looks somewhat human. Jessica Simpson? I don't even know what she is anymore, but all I wanna do when I see her is hand her a banana and make 'ooh ooh ahh ahh' sounds.
More of Jessica looking like however you would describe the above after the jump.
Continue Reading "Jessica Simpson challenges Victoria Beckham to tan off"
Sep 14 2006Jessica Biel has a monster tongue
Just one more reason why Jessica Biel makes a better girlfriend than you. That and her love of baking pies in kitchens.
Sep 14 2006Anna Nicole Smith's son's death is suspicious
There's been report after report surrounding the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son and each one seems to change the story slightly. The death has officially been declared "suspicious" and authorities say criminal charges could be filed, as there was a third person in the room during Daniel Smith's death and they're just waiting for a toxicology report before they act on anything. However, Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer has stated that the third person in the room was her other lawyer, Howard K. Stern. Additionally, the lawyer says that Anna tried to revive her son and had to be sedated so they could take her away, causing memory loss of the whole event.
"The devastation and grief over Daniel's sudden death coupled with the sedation has been so extreme that Anna Nicole experienced memory loss of the event," attorney Michael Scott said. He said Anna Nicole Smith and Stern continued efforts to revive Smith even after he had been proclaimed dead by staff at Doctors Hospital in Nassau. "Anna Nicole was so distraught at the loss of Daniel that she refused to leave his side and it was necessary to sedate her in order to check her out of the hospital," Scott read from a prepared statement. He said she suffered memory loss and that it "was necessary for Howard to tell Anna again that Daniel had passed away," he added.
I'm not sure but I think the police are implying that Anna Nicole's lawyer had something to do with the death and her other lawyer is saying he didn't. I wanted to hold off posting anything until official findings came out but the whole thing is just so bizarre. And the fact that it's Anna Nicole Smith amplifies the bizarro-meter ten fold. By tomorrow there'll probably be reports that there was a suspicious looking dog with shifty eyes hiding in the closet watching the whole thing.
Sep 13 2006Kirsten Dunst needs to see an orthodontist
This is probably the best Kirsten Dunst has ever looked in her entire life, and yet I still feel compelled to throw garlic at her and drive a stake through her heart. And when the judge asks me why I murdered Kirsten Dunst I'll present this photo of her about to bite Sophia Coppola and explain, "Because she's ugly, your honor." And then he'll say, "You mean because she's a vampire?" And I'll shrug and run out of court, because you can't arrest what you can't catch, baby.
Continue Reading "Kirsten Dunst needs to see an orthodontist"
Sep 13 2006Eva Longoria points at stuff
I can't figure out if Eva Longoria is attractive or not. Sometimes I'm almost positive she is, but other times she has me convinced she's a monkey. Or a man. And I made a vow to myself that I'd never again be caught masturbating to either of those.
Sep 13 2006Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown separate
A rep for Whitney Houston has confirmed that she filed for divorce from Bobby Brown last Friday. I'd congratulate her on the smart move, but the decision took her 14 years longer than it should have. Taking your hand out of a toaster is smart. Waiting three days to do it not so much. Although considering this I guess we should just be thankful she doesn't spend her nights crawling down the street offering to sell her house for crack money.
NOTE: If ever in your life you wake up and see this in the mirror, it might be time to make some changes.
Sep 13 2006Victoria Beckham is a freak of nature
Victoria Beckham attended Marc Jacobs' Spring 2007 fashion show on monday walking the fine line between human and Oompa Loompa. I'm all for skinny and tan, but there's a point where you have to step back, look in the mirror, and realize you're turning into a cartoon.
More of Victoria Beckham making everybody else look even whiter than they already are after the jump.
Sep 13 2006Lindsay Lohan shows off her very shaved vagina again
I don't know when it happened (actually I know exactly when it happened) but somewhere along the line Lindsay Lohan decided to just completely give up on underwear. This shot was taken outside of London's Kabaret club, and once again features Lindsay Lohan and her totally NSFW vagina. There was so much controversy over her first attempt to offend my eyes she thought she'd give it another go. Only this time she's not leaving any doubt as to its authenticity. If you're easily offended by beat-up looking vaginas, I highly recommend you not click the above image. Because this one looks like it went ten rounds with a boxing kangaroo.
Sep 13 2006Simon Cowell can't afford toothpaste
Simon Cowell - the mean guy on American Idol - had to borrow cash from his driver/bodyguard after his American Express Black card wouldn't work while he was trying to buy some toothpaste and shampoo at a Miami Beach drugstore Monday.
A witness reports the Brit became annoyed, as did the line of shoppers behind him. Cowell, embarrassed but determined, dashed out to his waiting driver/bodyguard and returned with a wad of cash. A rep for Cowell confirmed the machine was unable to read his card, but denied Cowell made a scene: "The only productions Simon puts on are on TV."
The real question here is why Simon Cowell is using an American Express Centurion Card to buy something as trivial as shampoo. You wanna know why the card wouldn't work? Because it spits on anything worth less than $10,000. I was walking down the street once and a Centurion Card showed up and pushed me down the stairs because my watch wasn't expensive enough. True story.
Sep 12 2006Britney Spears gives birth
The National Enquirer and Us Weekly are reporting that Britney Spears gave birth to a baby boy just before 2AM at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center today. Although the fact that it appears in The National Enquirer should automatically make it untrue. They could print an article about George Washington being the first American President and then somehow days later new evidence would reveal it was really just some guy named Cletus.
Sep 12 2006The Olsen twins get rejected
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were invited to an exclusive dinner hosted by Mario Testino to honor French Vogue editor Carine Roitfeld among others, but failed to RSVP and were sent away when they arrived at the door.
"There weren't places for them because they hadn't RSVPed," says one guest. "They were refused entry at the door!" Brandon Davis and Mischa Barton were also denied their unauthorized plus-ones.
It's been a pretty embarrassing couple of weeks for celebrities lately. Sure, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton make up about 98% of the embarrassment, but even people you haven't thought about for years are getting the shaft. What kind of world do we live in where doing a perpetual Zoolander impression can't save you from the shame of rejection? It's like I can't believe in anything anymore.
Sep 12 2006Carmen Electra should look into buying a mirror
Carmen Electra showed up to the Imitation of Christ Spring 2007 Fashion Presentation with hair so indescribably crazy it's a wonder she wasn't shot and mounted. I don't consider myself a fashion expert, but I'm pretty sure looking like you've been forking the electrical outlet for the past few hours isn't considered couture these days. I style my hair with a wrench and it still turns out better than whatever it is we've got going on here.
One more of Carmen Electra's mind boggling hair after the jump.
Continue Reading "Carmen Electra should look into buying a mirror"
Sep 12 2006Paris Hilton gets pranked by Richard Branson
The billionaire founder of Virgin, Richard Branson, threw a Mad Hatter-themed birthday party for his son on Saturday and invited Paris Hilton to attend. According to the Daily Mail she agreed and wanted to dress as Alice in Wonderland so she'd be the center of attention, but when Branson found out he secretly ordered all 60 of his waitresses to dress as Alice, even pushing the prank further by deliberately mistaking her for one of the staff and asking her to get him a drink.
The bash was attended by the U.K.'s A-list, with such guests as Princes William and Harry, Kate Moss, and Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie. "It was one hell of a party," a source told the Mirror. "Paris found herself looking more like Tweedledum as she was surrounded by dozens of other Alices." But perhaps the prank's on Branson. Hilton's rep tells The Scoop that "to the best of my knowledge" the heiress wasn't even at the party.
Somebody definitely got X Punk'd here, I just can't figure out who. Either Paris Hilton for the obvious, or Richard Branson for pretending to not recognize the wrong person. Considering one is the hugely successful founder of Virgin Records and the other cries when she can't get into fancy clubs, I'm just going to assume it's Paris and continue laughing sophisticatedly as I sip this delicious martini. And by delicious martini I mean my used cereal milk.
NOTE: Richard Branson, if you're reading this please adopt me. I'm well behaved and I may or may not carry the secret to eternal life with me.
Sep 11 2006Paris Hilton has a terrible work ethic
Turns out Paris Hilton isn't the super hard worker she thought she was. Simona Fusco - her Bottom's Up co-star - says about Paris:
"I don't think there's any talent there. My biggest problem with Paris was that she was always late on the set ... It became very annoying ... Everyone gets tired. By the time Paris finally showed up, she was usually coming from a party ... She never memorized her lines. So now, not only does she show up late, but on top of it she didn't have her lines ready to go. It was a very long day working with Paris."
To be fair to Paris, it's tough to memorize lines when you can't even read. Although the Olsen twins did a pretty good job on Full House and they were like, what, only twice as smart as her?
Sep 11 2006Lindsay Lohan gives up on underwear
I know you're as sick of her as I am but it's not my fault Lindsay Lohan can't seem to get her underwear under control. I'd like to live in a world where I could pass up shots of her wandering around braless in a see through top but that world doesn't exist. In fact, that world is so ridiculous it can't even be imagined. Scientists have died trying to ponder less wondrous things.
Sep 11 2006Leonardo DiCaprio has fancy shoes
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It must be nice being a celebrity because you can afford to buy fancy things us regular people could only dream about, like oversized novelty shoes. I can understand wanting to lounge around in some comfy slippers but these things don't even fit. They look like he stole them from his giant-footed grandma and is showing them off with a little stroll around town. Like a little girl who got into her mom's makeup bag, only less endearing and way more confusing.
Some more shots of Leonardo DiCaprio's fancy footwear after the jump.
Sep 11 2006Colin Farrell gets pulled over
No idea why Colin Farrell was pulled over, but I suspect it may have been for looking like a badger. Although he wasn't dragged away in cuffs like Paris Hilton because apparently his STD's aren't quite as large a threat to society as Paris Hilton's.
Some more of Colin Farrell getting pulled over and posing with some fans after the jump.
Sep 11 2006Anna Nicole Smith loses son, gains daughter
Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son Daniel died in the Bahamas on Sunday, only three days after she gave birth to her new daughter. Her official site reads:
"On Sept. 7 Anna Nicole gave birth to a healthy 6 lb., 9 oz. baby girl. Her son Daniel was in the Bahamas with her to share in the joy of his baby sister when he passed away suddenly on the morning of Sept. 10. We have yet to learn the cause of death but do not believe that drugs or alcohol were a factor. Anna Nicole is absolutely devastated by the loss of her son. He was her pride and joy and an amazing human being. Please do not make any press inquiries at this time so that Anna Nicole can grieve in peace."
Anna Nicole Smith's life is about as close to a soap opera as humanly possible. I can't even imagine what it's like to gain a daughter and lose a son in the span of three days, but I bet it's sort of like finding out the father of your child is really a pirate who also happens to be your long lost twin brother. And twin sister. Bum bum bummm!
