Sep 8 2006Paris Hilton hooks up with Travis Barker
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I didn't post this yesterday because I read conflicting reports saying it wasn't true, but now photographs have surfaced verifying that Paris Hilton and Travis Barker have hooked up.
The pair met at a party at Pure Nightclub in Las Vegas last week. An eyewitness said: "Before long they were making out on one of the VIP beds. They were groping and grinding with their clothes on. "All her friends and her sister NICKY were there, just looking on stunned." The pair then headed for strip club Spearmint Rhino. But a source said: "Their steamy show in their limo near the rear VIP private entrance was more sizzling then the lap dances inside. "Guys were standing around watching." On Monday they were snapped sneaking into a hotel in LA. Paris hid behind sunnies and a leopard print hoodie as they separated and entered the hotel apart. She made the no-bonking pact with girl pals to see who could last the longest while putting work first.
And then last night - the same day she was arrested for a DUI - she was spotted making out with Travis outside of Hyde. She also put on a dark wig and had her publicist Eliot Mintz chauffeuring her around, hitting up Hyde instead of attending the premiere of her movie Bottom's Up. Which makes sense, because why promote your own movie when you can be reinforcing rumors you're a drunken whore? Throw in a terrible boob job and cut off her ass and we've got ourselves another Tara Reid.
Some more of Paris and Travis after the jump, including her delightful dark-haired disguise. Alliteration, I call thee friend.
Sep 8 200650 Cent gets arrested
50 Cent was arrested in New York City today for driving dangerously in an uninsured Lamborghini. When he was pulled over by an unmarked patrol car her refused to get out, instead making a call on his cell phone.
"Eventually the cops opened the door. ... He just got out of the car and put his hands on the car and they put the cuffs on him," Parvess, who videotaped the arrest, told Reuters. A police spokesman said he was cited for making an unsafe lane change, driving with an expired permit, driving without insurance and driving without a vehicle registration. He was due to be released as soon the summonses could be written, the spokesman said.
I would've expected a bigger fight from 50 Cent. The guy already has felony convictions and has been shot like 62 (hundred?) times so seeing him being taken in by two guys when Paris Hilton required four is just sad. You can't tell me Paris Hilton poses a larger threat than 50 Cent. It's like hunting a rabbit with a tank and using a spoon to take down a tiger.
Sep 8 2006Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz back together
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Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz were spotted at Madeo Italian restaurant in Beverly Hills on Wednesday suggesting they might be getting back together. Although the past few days have been such a blur of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan that I can't really remember what's going on with anybody else. Did they break up? Were they together? Did they escape a group of ninjas by skiing down a mountain? The answer is yes, my friends. To all of the above.
Sep 8 2006Lindsay Lohan gets her stuff back
British police announced today they 've recovered Lindsay Lohan's missing Hermes bag, although they've yet to determine whether or not anything was taken.
"A member of the public contacted us to say they had found it and brought it in," a Metropolitan Police spokeswoman said, on customary condition of anonymity. "We have not yet established what, if anything, is missing."
It's looking more and more like Lindsay just misplaced her bag and nobody took it at all. Because I don't see why anybody would go out of their way to steal a Hermes bag worth over $1 million only to leave it lying around to be returned. This isn't like fishing. You don't get a trophy for catching the biggest bag and then releasing it back into the wild.
A couple more of Lindsay and her returned Hermes bag after the jump.
Sep 7 2006Ben Affleck gets drunk; picks up TV host
In this super bizarre interview with Montreal TV host Anne-Marie Losique back in 2004, a drunk Ben Affleck does stuff us mere mortals would typically be arrested for. Some of his highlights include:
"They would like it better if you did the show topless."
"You usually show a lot more cleavage than this. What's the story, why are you covering it up today?... It's Sunday morning? That never stopped you before from getting the titties out. Who're you trying to fool, it's Sunday morning. You could be in church you should have that rack on display... You know you should work at Fox in LA. You'd blend right in, they'd love you. Fox LA they have a pole that they dance on."
"These breasts are very firm. Suspiciously firm I have to say. They are like two giant stones."
"I take lover like I take shower: once a week! Oh, no, no. That's the French."
"Should we do a Janet Jackson thing? Are you wearing your nipple ring?"
And at about 3:40 he looks like he's this close to accidentally killing her like Lennie from Of Mice and Men. I pull this shit and the cops are on me like I was asking a twelve year old boy to hit the gym shower with me. Ben Affleck does it and he gets a few girly giggles and maybe a handjob when the cameras are turned off. I guess it's time I looked into making muli-million dollar blockbusters and growing a butthole on my chin, because obviously whatever I'm doing now just isn't working.
Thanks to Didi for the tip, and for remembering how much I love that dreamy Ben Affleck.
Sep 7 2006Lindsay Lohan gets robbed big time
Lindsay Lohan has allegedly become the victim of grand theft at Heathrow Airport in London after her Hermes bag containing "a quantity of jewelry" reportedly worth over $1 million was found missing.
They continue to say "it is alleged that as the woman exited the Terminal One building, she noticed that an orange Hermès handbag was missing from her suitcase trolley." Lindsay's rep, Leslie Sloane, confirms to TMZ the theft occurred and that Lindsay is extremely upset about the loss of personal belongings. "She is begging for the return of the items," Sloane says. "She doesn't care how she gets them back, she just wants her stuff back." The Hermès Birkin bag that was stolen also contained Lindsay's much needed asthma medication. TMZ cannot confirm the value of the jewelry that was taken, but a source close to the case indicates it may be worth over $1 million. Scotland Yard says they are investigating the matter but, as of yet, have no suspects.
Wow, bad day for celebrities. First Paris Hilton gets pulled away in handcuffs and now Lindsay Lohan gets her medication stolen and might die. Although considering Lindsay Lohan is only worth about $7 million I doubt the claims that her purse was worth over $1 million. That'd be like me carrying around a wallet filled with $20,000. I mean sure, I do it, but not on a regular basis, and only sometimes just to wave in front of women to impress them. And those times I also bust out my trusty monocle and shiny black top hat. And - if I'm in the mood - put on a Texas accent and go into my billionaire oil tycoon routine.
Sep 7 2006Paris Hilton gets cuffed
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TMZ has the first shots of Paris Hilton being dragged off in handcuffs moments after being busted for her DUI.
Even after Paris' hands were locked firmly behind her back, one of the arresting officers continued to keep her arm in a tight grasp. The handcuffs were apparently removed moments later, as the heiress was loaded into an awaiting LAPD squad car.
This is too much even for me. I didn't make any comments on the original DUI story because I didn't want to get too excited and give myself a stroke. But Paris Hilton being dragged away in handcuffs by a swarm of police officers? Is it possible to die from being too turned on, because this erection is getting out of control.
Sep 7 2006Nicole Richie isn't anorexic
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Lionel Richie says he was so concerned about Nicole Richie's weight loss he took her to a doctor who assured him she wasn't anorexic. He says:
"I stood in front of [the doctor], just like you and I now, looked him in the eyes, and I said 'Is it anorexia?' And he said 'It isn't anorexia,'" the musician told the Swedish newspaper Expressen, according to our translator. He says Nicole's weight loss is "stress-related" and he believes it's due to his divorce from her mother and from all the media attention his daughter gets. "I live with the constant fear that Nicole is going to become the next Princess Diana," Richie said, apparently referring to the late royal's death while she was being pursued by paparazzi. "Just to give an example of how crazy everything has become, I always know when Nicole is on her way home because she is always followed by a helicopter and seven cars. It's harassment." But, he claims, photos of Nicole have been digitized to make her look even skinnier than she is. "Many times, they manipulate pictures of her," he says. "She's shown me the difference between the original and what's published in the newspaper. They make her look much worse."
I don't know much about anorexia, but I know if your legs look like that you're either anorexic or a giraffe. And last I checked nobody follows around a giraffe in "a helicopter and seven cars." Unless maybe it knocked over a bank and had a cool nickname like Giraffey McCool.
More of Nicole and her fat thighs after the jump.
Sep 7 2006Paris Hilton arrested for DUI
Paris Hilton was arrested in Hollywood early this morning and charged with a DUI after the LAPD noticed her driving her Mercedes McLaren SLR "erratically" at 12:31 AM. They gave her a field sobriety test and Paris had a blood alcohol level of 0.08 which is the minimum level for a DUI in California. She was arrested and taken to the Hollywood station where she was booked and allowed to leave after Nicky Hilton, her boyfriend, Kevin Connolly, and her publicist Elliot Mintz arrived at the Hollywood police station just before 2 AM.
Cops took a booking photo, which an LAPD spokesperson says will not be released. An LAPD source would not confirm if Paris glammed it up for the camera, but revealed "It doesn't look like Nick Nolte."Mintz told TMZ that Paris had attended a charity event earlier in the evening. He said she had a single drink -- a margarita -- the entire evening and shortly thereafter she was stopped. She was asked to take a breathalyzer test when she was stopped and cooperated. She took a second test at the station. For the record, TMZ is told Paris is 5'9" and weighs 110 lbs.
TMZ spoke with Paris as she was driving home from jail, stopping for Parliament Lights cigarettes en route. She says she "regrets it occurred," and adds that she has been up for 24 hours, having shot a music video all day. (TMZ had exclusive access to the music video set and our video will be posted in a few hours.) Paris says she had nothing to eat and no rest the entire day.
Because a DUI is a misdemeanor, if convicted Paris Hilton won't face jail time but will be given three months probation, will be ordered to enter an alcohol program, and will have her license restricted for 90 days.
Sep 6 2006Britney Spears names her new baby Jailynn
The NY Daily News reports Britney Spears is planning to name her new daughter Jailynn in honor of her parents, Jamie and Lynn, and her little sister, Jamie Lynn. The child is also reportedly set to be delivered via C-section and will share the same birthday as Sean Preston, September 14.
Her music should've already given away how uncreative Britney was, but naming Jailynn after Jamie, Lynn, and Jamie Lynn? It's a wonder she didn't accidentally name her first kid 'Britney.' And I know it's cruel to make fun of a baby, but Sean Preston is the angriest most evil looking child I've ever seen. Sure, Britney and Kevin didn't get to handpick their personal Asian baby from the baby store like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, but there's no reason I should be lying in bed with the covers pulled over my head because I'm afraid this little baby is going to crawl up the side and start eating my insides. Then again if Britney and Kevin were my parents I'd probably be filled with hate and rage too.
A few more of a really angry Sean Preston after the jump, including one where he looks like The Godfather.
Continue Reading "Britney Spears names her new baby Jailynn"
Sep 6 2006Lindsay Lohan's vagina gets busted
As much as everybody wanted to believe these shots were real, the original picture has finally been leaked. It would've been more convincing had the Photoshopper actually seen a vagina before instead of just mindlessly painting in what he thought they looked like from his memory of seventh grade health class. Anyways here you have it. The five hour whirlwind of lies and deceit is over and we can finally put this case to rest.
And by the way today is the official Lindsay Lohan day. Didn't you know? If you don't talk about her at least six times in six hours the government will arrest you for being a spy. True story.
Sep 6 2006Lindsay Lohan is probably engaged
When she's not busy showing off her shaved vagina, Lindsay Lohan likes to wander around in public with giant diamond rings on her engagement finger. She was spotted with the ring at the premiere of Bobby at the Venice Film Festival, suggesting she's either engaged or just has no respect for standard social conventions. Who wears rings on their engagement finger unless they're engaged? It'd be like using the toaster to boil water. Or trying to make a pot of coffee with the TV.
One more closeup of Lindsay Lohan's engagement ring after the jump. I can't confirm if it's the one Harry Morton bought for her from Cartier, but it definitely looks a bit more expensive than the stuff I usually find in cereal boxes.
Sep 6 2006John Mayer breaks up with Jessica Simpson; thinks she's a loser
Jessica Simpson's fling with John Mayer is reportedly over despite People magazine's claim that they were "in love." A source from Mayer's camp told Us Weekly that the relationship "was a 2 her camp spun into an 11." Mayer has supposedly lost a lot of respect for his brief fling and "now he will stay away from her. He thinks it's desperate. An attempt for her to stay in the spotlight."
You can't get much lower than being dumped by the world's ugliest man because he thinks you're pathetic. That's like a dog about to hump your leg but deciding not to because he'd rather do it with the couch. And who'd blame him? That soft supple leather, those delicious curves. You'd be crazy not to pick a couch over Jessica Simpson.
Sep 6 2006Lindsay Lohan doesn't wear panties
I wasn't sure whether or not I should post this just because I wasn't sure whether or not it was real. The above shot is allegedly Lindsay Lohan arriving at the Venice Film Festival to promote Bobby yesterday and getting off the boat without any panties on to show off her freshly shaved, um, vagina. Which sounds pretty good except that it looks severely Photoshopped and oddly cartoonish. Sort of like what I'd draw in fourth grade if you told me to paint a vagina onto this picture of Lindsay Lohan. Only my version would have a dragon's head and be breathing fire. And maybe in the background there'd be Batman swinging on a rope.
A ton more after the jump, although the one above is the only NSFW questionable one of the bunch. Thanks to everybody who sent this in. You know who you are, you perverts.
UPDATE: A lot of readers are claiming that in the original shot she's wearing pink panties, but until I see them for myself I have no choice but to leave these up with this shocking caption: "Lindsay Lohan flashes her bald coochie in this totally real 100% authentic photograph of realism!"
*UPDATE: It's officially a fake. Here's the original image.
**UPDATE: Turns out this one is real and the version with panties is the fake. A quick check of the EXIF data and the original photo agency confirms it.
Sep 6 2006Lindsay Lohan is really serious about her music
It's not that I don't take Lindsay Lohan seriously as a musician, it's just that real musicians actually train and practice and don't just do karaoke in their hotel room. This is one step up from Paris Hilton's training regiment which consists of taking naps and occasionally crying when she doesn't get her dessert.
One more of Lindsay pretending to play the guitar after the jump.
Continue Reading "Lindsay Lohan is really serious about her music"
Sep 6 2006Sharon Stone bathes in pee
The screenwriter for Basic Instinct, Flashdance, and Showgirls has released a new book called The Devil's Guide to Hollywood: The Screewriter as God and in it claims that Sharon Stone's behavior "so annoyed the crew on one of her movies that they relieved themselves into a bathtub before Sharon got into it for her scene."
I hope this is true for so many reasons. Actually only one reason and it's the obvious one: I really want Sharon Stone to have accidentally bathed in other people's pee. It's funny and it's hilarious. And according to National Geographic it's the bath style of choice for ice cold bitches.
Thanks to the ridiculously named but obviously delicious Gargamel for the tip.
Sep 6 2006Somebody famous plays Bob Dylan
$5 if you can guess who it is before clicking the link. And by $5 I mean your mom is asleep and she left her purse on the kitchen counter. Free money!
Sep 5 2006Suri Cruise is a real human being
I take back every mean thing I've said about Suri Cruise, because despite being very much a real human person she's also one of the cutest babies I've ever seen. The new issue of Vanity Fair comes out tomorrow and in it Katie Holmes discusses how much she hates sites like this.
"Some of the crap that's out there - the stuff that's said about my parents and my siblings [tabloid accounts implied that Katie's family did not hit it off with Tom] - it's really frustrating the amount of shit that's out there. And the stuff they say about Suri?! You shouldn't say that about us, and you can't say that about my child." Holmes explains that the gossip "eats away at me because it's just not O.K.," but that she keeps up on it because "this is my future. This is my family, and I care so much about them. To see how someone as caring and good as Tom is - to see how things can just get so twisted and turned around. I mean, where does it come from?"
Katie Couric also debuted the photos of Suri on the CBS Evening News which you can check out here:
And as much as everybody was hoping she'd turn out to be an animatronic Cabbage Patch Kid the truth is she's just flat out beautiful. And possibly Asian. Which makes about as much sense as her not being made by Mattel.
Sep 5 2006Paris Hilton gets denied; cries
Because God loves you, Paris Hilton allegedly started crying because she couldn't get into Bungalow 8 for a private MTV Video Music Awards afterparty last Thursday. Sort of reminds you of this, except funnier and way less depressing. I would've peed myself if Tara Reid has walked by at that exact moment and somehow managed to get in. Pee would literally be streaming down my pants. It is anyways, but that's because I had a lot to drink and the toilet is too far.
A couple more after the jump, but the one above is all you really need.
Sep 5 2006Jennifer Aniston settles her topless pictures
Jennifer Aniston has settled a lawsuit against a photographer who took photos of her topless at her Hollywood Hills home. Aniston claimed the photographer used "invasive, intrusive and unlawful measures" to capture the topless shots with a telephoto lens, even though the photographer was standing on a public street about 300 yards away and didn't do anything illegal to get the pictures.
In her legal documents, Aniston claimed to have suffered "shame, mortification, hurt feelings, emotional distress, anger, embarrassment, humiliation, feeling of being violated and injury to her privacy and peace of mind," as a result of the photos. "What I was trying to sell was the pictures of Vince and her...Sending the topless pictures along with [the other photos] was maybe my mistake," Brandt told ABC News Radio in December. "But I wasn't intending to sell those."
If my years at Yale law have taught me anything it's that taking pictures of Jennifer Aniston topless is never against the law. Telephoto lens? X-Ray machine? Whatever. You can hide in her closet and set up a movie production studio if you want, because I'll be damned if Jennifer Aniston's shame gets in the way of your rights as a human being.
Sep 5 2006Tom Cruise apologizes to Brooke Shields
During a Friday appearance on Jay Leno, Brooke Shields said Tom Cruise came over to her house and apologized for criticizing her use of antidepressants. She says:
"He came over to my house, and he gave me a heartfelt apology. And he apologized for bringing me into the whole thing and for everything that happened. And through it all, I was so impressed with how heartfelt it was. And I didn't feel at any time that I had to defend myself, nor did I feel that he was trying to convince me of anything other than the fact that he was deeply sorry. And I accepted it."
A rep for Cruise confirmed the apology, also noting that "he has not changed his position about antidepressants, which as evidenced by the black label warnings issued by the FDA on these types of drugs, are unhealthy." But you know what position he did change? His sexual position. Because why give it in the ass when you can take it in the ass? Zing! He's gay!
Sep 5 2006Steve Irwin didn't die instantly, didn't piss off stingray
Steve Irwin's death was caught on camera and the tape shows him pulling the stingray barb out of his chest before dying. It also shows that, unlike his behavior with crocodiles and other dangerous land animals, he didn't provoke the stingray.
"It shows that Steve came over the top of the ray and the tail came up, and spiked him here (in the chest), and he pulled it out and the next minute he's gone," Stainton told reporters in the Queensland state city of Cairns, where Irwin's body was taken for an autopsy. "If ever he was going to go, we always said it was going to be the ocean," Stainton said. "On land he was agile, quick-thinking, quick-moving and the ocean puts another element there that you have no control over."
The actual tape is being held by police at the moment, but I'm not sure it's something anybody would actually want to see. Joking about shooting Paris Hilton in the face with a bazooka is one thing, actually watching a beloved conservationist die in the water is another.
Sep 5 2006Harry Morton grabs Lindsay Lohan's breast in public
It never ends, does it? I thought Harry Morton working in a little butt grab was bad, but these shots of him full out squeezing Lindsay Lohan's breasts is going too far. It's not even a squeeze. It's more of a push. And he looks about as bored as is humanly possible with Lindsay Lohan's breast in your hand. Maybe they're role playing, and this is some sort of doctor patient fantasy. Only instead of doing anything sexy he's really just pretending he's a doctor. That breast cancer isn't going to check itself.
A ton more shots after the jump, including some more butt grabbing and just a few of Lindsay standing around in her bikini.
Continue Reading "Harry Morton grabs Lindsay Lohan's breast in public"
Sep 4 2006Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton get frisky in Hawaii
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Harry Morton and Lindsay Lohan just got back from their vacation in Hawaii and here's some shots from their trip, including the one above of Harry giving Lindsay a good ass grabbing as they make out. Does it matter that there's a mother reading a book to her baby behind them? Of course not. Real men don't let little things like babies get in the way of a good time. Besides, it takes that kind of ballsy attitude to be the succesful CEO of the Pink Taco restaurants. That and a billionaire father. Who may or may not be senile, because you can't be completely there if you're investing in something called the Pink Taco.
More of Linday Lohan and Harry Morton on their Hawaii vacation after the jump.
Sep 4 2006Paris Hilton gets pranked
Guerilla artist Banksy tampered with 500 copies of Paris Hilton's debut album across 48 record shops in the UK by replacing the CD with his own remixes featuring such titles as Why am I Famous?, What Have I Done? and What Am I For? as well as swapping out her picture on the CD sleeve with one of her topless and with a dog's head. I had a similar plan, except mine consisted of 1) acquiring a giant bag of dog feces 2) gathering up all of Paris Hilton's CD's and 3) going to her house and shooting her in the face with a bazooka. Actually I made up steps one and two just now because I thought you wouldn't take me seriously if my plan only had one step. But three steps? Now that's a respectable scheme.
And just cause, here's Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis swapping diseases outside of Barney's. It's hard to tell if they're kissing or just talking uncomfortably close, but either way somebody's gonna be needing a trip to the free clinic.
UPDATE: You can check out some shots of the altered CD case here.
Sep 4 2006Steve Irwin passes away (1962 - 2006)
Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, died yesterday while filming an underwater documentary after he was stung by a stingray through the chest, putting a hole in his heart.
