Sep 1 2006Jessica Simpson makes annoying faces
Jessica Simpson finally managed to sing on the Today show today after previously canceling due to a "bruised blood vessel in [her] vocal cords." And although her vocal cords stood up to a few minutes of intense yelling and screaming, she was forced to whisper to Matt Lauer during the interview. Which seems like the classic Jessica Simpson thing to do, because she loves hamming it up for the camera. She can be cute as a button, but she has a habit of acting like an ass whenever she thinks she might get a little attention. You know that thing singers do when they pretend they're really into their music and hold up their hands? That's what Jessica Simpson does, but she does it with her entire face and body. It's annoying as hell, and the only people it's impressing are her dad and the imaginary cartoon squirrel she talks to when she's alone.
A few more of Jessica Simpson over doing it after the jump.
Sep 1 2006Jessica Alba pays the meter
It's always weird seeing somebody like Jessica Alba paying her parking meter. Especially when it's for her invislbe car. You'd think the filthy rich would be exempt from doing stuff like that. You'd also think they'd have pet midgets and be carried around on solid gold carriages. Rich people can be really surprising sometimes.
Sep 1 2006Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton hit Hawaii
Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton ran off to Hawaii shortly after Harry was spotted shopping for an engagement ring at Cartier. It takes a real man to pet Lindsay Lohan like a little dog and to grab her ass in public. And this is the first time I've seen Lindsay Lohan in a bikini where I just don't care about the bikini. This guy makes pictures interesting. He doesn't just lounge around in the background like other loser boyfriends. He seems like the kind of guy that would punch a woman in the eye if the beer she fetched wasn't cold enough. So I'm just waiting for the day Lindsay shows up with a bruised face and claims she accidentally tripped and landed face first into his fist.
More of Linday Lohan and Harry Morton lounging in their swimwear after the jump.
Continue Reading "Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton hit Hawaii"
Aug 31 2006Lindsay Lohan might be getting engaged
Harry Morton - the guy Lindsay Lohan has been dating for a little over a month and whose beach house she keeps showing up at - was spotted at Cartier allegedly purchasing an engagement ring. You can check out the pics of Harry at Cartier after the jump, but this shot of him grabbing Lindsay's ass is way more interesting. Mostly because I don't know what Harry Morton looks like and very few things trump Lindsay Lohan getting sexually violated in public. They could be pictures of Morton fighting off ninjas with a machine gun and I'd still probably post this one first.
Aug 31 2006Kate Moss is the best hat wearer ever
In the most pointless story of the week, Kate Moss has been named Britain's best hat wearer by a consortium of weirdos aimed at promoting hat wearing. A spokesman for the consortium says:
"Kate manages to wear the most elaborate and extravagant millinery designs with great confidence and aplomb and, most importantly, without the hat seemingly wearing her. She has the face to launch a thousand hat collections and has done much to promote hat wearing in recent years."
And because I laugh in the face of ridiculous associations for ridiculous causes, here are some shots of Kate Moss leaving Miyama restaurant not wearing a hat, including a closeup of her engagement ring. A ring so laughably small it's often confused with Paris Hilton's brain.
Aug 31 2006Donald Trump tells Carolyn Kepcher she's fired
Donald Trump has fired his Apprentice co-star Carolyn Kepcher because she was letting the fame go to her head.
"She became a prima donna," said one insider. "Being on 'The Apprentice' went to her head. She was no longer focused on business. She was giving speeches for $25,000 and doing endorsements. George has been around a long time. He's seen everything. He didn't get excited even when women on the street started screaming when they saw him on his way to work. But Carolyn took it very seriously. She thought she was a freaking movie star. Trump told her what she had to do was take some time off and spend it with her family, and then get another job."
How ironic that somebody responsible for firing so many people would be fired herself. Wait, that is 'ironic' right? I don't really know the meaning of words. I usually just throw them in if they sound right and hope everything is platypus.
Aug 31 2006Jessica Simpson plumps her lips
Jessica Simpson admits in the October issue of Glamour she had her lips artificially plumped last fall.
"I had that Restylane stuff," she says. "It looked fake to me. I didn't like that. But...it went away in, like, four months. My lips are back to what they were. Thank God!" New York City plastic surgeon Andrew Jacono says Restylane - a protein-based gel - is safer than collagen (which comes from animals): "It's the gold standard."
I must've missed the memo that said looking like this is attractive. Everybody knows what they're gonna look like if they do it and yet these clowns keep doing it. I can understand wanting to inject weird liquids into your face, but not wanting to look like you just made out with a poisonous cactus for the past six hours.
Aug 31 2006Paris Hilton asks for a lot of money
Charlotte Church is starting up her own talk show and asked Paris Hilton to be a guest, but had to pass when Paris ended up asking for more than $650,000 just to appear.
"We asked Paris to be on the program because I could take the mick out of her [ridicule her] and not feel at all bad about it - she's such a complete airhead," Church told a Brit radio show. "But she demanded a ridiculous amount of money - like the price of a big house just to say a few stupid things. She's hardly going to announce anything world-changing, is she? It's absolutely pathetic, isn't it?"
If I had my own talk show I'd pay $650,000 for Paris to appear. Although it wouldn't technically be a talk show. It'd just be me in my basement with some rope and a crowbar. Which sort of qualifies as a talk show except that there wouldn't be any talking involved. Unless screaming counts. Because there'd be plenty of that.
Aug 31 2006John Travolta kisses a man
John Travolta was spotted kissing a man as they boarded his 707 airplance in Hamilton, Ontario. This doesn't mean he's gay or anything, it just means he has a really strange grasp of proper social behavior. Where most people hug or shake hands, John Travolta gives awkward kisses on the mouth. If I was called a homosexual for everytime I did that I can't even tell you the number of times I would've been called a homosexual. Oh wait, yes I can. Turns out it's zero.
Aug 30 2006Jessica Simpson hangs out with Jackasses
Despite "losing her voice" and canceling a ton of promotional appearances, Jessica Simpson somehow managed to muster up enough energy to hang out with the guys from Jackass until her eyes were bloodshot. And although her new boyfriend wasn't there, her always present and always visible hairstylist was. He's become sort of like a Where's Waldo to me. Where I'll glance around at every picture of Jessica Simpson and see if he's there. Sometimes he'll be in the most unexpected places, like hiding behind a bush. Or riding a ferris wheel. And sometimes on the last page he'll be walking among hundreds of other identical hairstylists wearing the exact same clothes but without his signature hat.
More of Jessica looking like she had a rough night with the Jackass guys after the jump, including some more sideboobery action.
Aug 30 2006Suri Cruise gets art dedicated to her crap
The lameass artist that brought us this is making another grab for attention by "shocking" the world with his latest masterpiece: a bronze sculpture inspired by Suri Cruise's first poop. The work will go on display today, but won't actually contain any of Suri Cruise's poop.
"Babies mostly breastfeed for the first four months, so a baby's first meal of solid food may be a baby's first meal at the dinner table," said David Kesting, the director of Capla Kesting Fine Art, located in Brooklyn's Williamsburg gallery district. "A bronzed cast of baby's first poop can be a meaningful memento for the family.""It's partially a statement on modern media that 'celebrity poop' has more entertainment value than health, famine or other critical issues facing society and governments today," the Capla crew said in a statement, "and also the absurdity of the media coverage on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' new baby, Suri Cruise, which has reached stellar proportions, eclipsing far more notable events with more substance."
I'm all for poking fun at the media coverage surounding Suri Cruise, but I still find it slightly less offensive than the media coverage surrounding this. Maybe if the artist didn't have a history of putting together ridiculous celebrity art. Or have me totally convinced he's a publicity whore. No doubt within the next couple months this guy is going to announce a statue inspired by all of Paris Hilton's vaginal diseases. Ooh, so shocking. Pay attention to this guy, he's a real shocker.
Aug 30 2006Paris Hilton gets medical treatment
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Paris Hilton was spotted leaving a hospital on Monday, presumably to treat either a) the several strains of STD's she's contracted from men b) the several strains of STD's she's contracted from her pet kinkajou or c) explosive diarrhea. And only Paris Hilton would try to pull off walking out of a doctor's office like she was walking out of a club. She could be shoveling feces and she'd still play it off like all the cool kids are doing it.
More of Paris trying desperately to look hot while leaving the hospital after the jump.
Aug 30 2006Jessica Simpson dates Quasimodo
People magazine reports that Jessica Simpson is dating John Mayer despite the scientific evidence suggesting he may, in fact, be the ugliest man on Earth.
"She's tiptoeing back into the dating world," a source tells People. "It's the first stage. She's never been happier."
I can't tell if this is worse than James Blunt dating Petra Nemcova. They're both anomalies of nature, but I fear this time God has gone too far. He might as well start mating horses with rhinoceroses. Although that might actually be kind of cool because their offspring would probably be unicorns. And just cause, here's Jessica Simpson at the release party of her new album yesterday, where she lost her voice and had to postpone a TV appearance.
Aug 29 2006Diddy needs to pee
I bet you thought you'd go your entire life without ever having to see Diddy take a howling piss and compare it to having sex. Well you thought wrong, my friend. You thought ass wrong. I'm not familiar with DiddyTV but apparently it chronicles the life of Diddy's bathroom antics. I can only hope his next episode features him getting into some mixed up shenanigans with the toilet. Because with that kind of quality content who needs Project Runway?
Aug 29 2006Paris Hilton's CD is a flop
Just in case you completely lost faith in humanity, Paris Hilton's album Paris is reportedly a raging flop. So far it's sold only 75,000 copies in its first week compared to Christina Aguilera's 320,000, and projected sales for next week are 30,000 - which is a larger than normal second week drop.
"The international outlook is not much better for her," one industry source told Page Six. "The international people are not inclined to do a big push since she can't back up the album with a tour. Obviously, she can't sing live." The source added that Hilton was advised a year ago to train her voice, work with choreographers and learn an instrument to prepare for a limited tour, but "obviously she didn't listen." Hilton's rep, Elliot Mintz, said, "To me, [the album] sounds huge. For a newcomer, this is incredibly impressive."
I'm glad Paris Hilton's CD is failing, but 75,000 still seems like 74,996 sales too many. This isn't like Joey Fatone releasing a solo album because at least he's technically a singer. This is Paris Hilton we're talking about. Paris Hilton. My butcher is more qualified to record an album than she is. And he was born without a mouth.
Aug 29 2006Britney Spears likes to waste other people's money
Britney Spears has reportedly registered online at Petit Tresor for thousands of dollars worth of baby gifts, including a $1,200 chandelier for her new baby's room.
"Oh, it's not a fake, she's having a baby shower soon and has told friends that they can order gifts from the site," a source tells the Scoop, adding, "It's not like she's expecting her friends to buy everything for the baby. She's already spent like $30,000 at the store." And the accessories and furniture strongly suggest that, as rumored, Spears is expecting a girl: although the chandelier features little airplanes, there's a preponderance of pink and frilly goodies among the merchandise.
I was thinking of buying my baby a $1,200 chandelier too but then I realized I'd rather just tape some lightbulbs together and spend the other $1,190 on something more useful. Although I can't even imagine would could be more useful than a chandelier for a baby. Maybe a Segway for the potted plant? Some speakers for the fridge?
And just for the heck of it, here are some shots of Britney Spears shopping at Intuition in Los Angeles posing like a goofball with some baby clothes. They're simultaneously totally relevant and totally irrelevant at the same time. A ton more after the jump.
Continue Reading "Britney Spears likes to waste other people's money"
Aug 28 2006Jennifer Love Hewitt has wide hips
I realize I did a pretty piss poor job of posting the Emmy pictures but I figure a shot of Jennifer Love Hewitt looking like she's really capable of giving birth should redeem myself. Unless you're not into really wide birthing hips. In which case these pictures are just frightening and confusing. And let this be a physics lesson to all: the greater the mass the greater the gravitational pull. Because my eyes used to go straight for her chest, but now they're being pulled right to her waist. Fortunately my imaginary squeezing hands aren't affected by pesky things like science.
Aug 28 2006Tara Reid gets owned by Paris Hilton
TMZ has a great video of Tara Reid being denied entry to Hyde and then moments later having her former best friend Paris Hilton waltz by with Kim Kardashian and go straight in. It's almost sad. Like watching Gary Coleman try to buy a TV only to find out his credit card is maxed out. Only it's not a TV. It's a hamburger.
Aug 28 2006George Clooney pranks Bruce Willis
George Clooney was messing with Bruce Willis at Scott Caan's photo exhibit party in Los Angeles last week by telling him a bunch of middle-aged men were hitting on his 18-year-old daughter Rumer. A source says:
"Bruce kept getting madder and madder with each guy George mentioned." Eventually the jig was up when Rumer came over and said, "Dad, George told me to tell you that - uh, I forget his name - was talking to me."
Oh sure, George Clooney pranks Bruce Willis and it's all fun and games. I prank Bruce Willis and I get a restraining order and a police escort to drag me away. Next time I prank a celebrity I'll really prank them. To death. With a tire iron.
Aug 28 2006Lindsay Lohan chills at Harry Morton's beach house
Lindsay Lohan reached into her never-ending supply of bikinis and pulled out this little number to hang out at her boyfriend Harry Morton's beach house. And that's pretty much all you need to know. I've posted so many pictures of her in a bikini I've completely run out of things to say. It's like trying to describe ice cream for the thousandth time. It's iced cream. And it's tasty. And that's about it.
A ton more of Lindsay in her new bikini after the jump. Old bikini? I can't even tell anymore.
Continue Reading "Lindsay Lohan chills at Harry Morton's beach house"
Aug 28 2006Melissa and Joan Rivers have really saggy boobs
I was thinking of renaming the site When Old People Attack so I could justify putting up these pictures of Melissa and Joan Rivers, but I figure that's already a show on Fox so I'll just stick with what we've got. And here's a little tip to help remind you whether or not you should be wearing a bra: if your boobs are hanging lower than your mom's, put on a bra. Put on two bras. Shit, pull out a stapler if you need to.
Aug 28 2006The Emmys and such featuring Evangeline Lilly
I feel like I should say something about the Primetime Emmy Awards. Although considering I'm a deaf mute I figure my emotions would be best expressed through pictures. Random pictures. Of people at the Emmys. So for absolutely no reason except that I'm disabled and deserve your pity I'll be posting random pictures from the Emmys throughout the day. It's my way of saying, "What the fuck are you saying? I can't hear you. I'm deaf, jackass."
Aug 28 2006Britney Spears heads out in her slip
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Britney Spears was spotted leaving Chin Chin wearing a peach slip, further continuing the trend of Hollywood celebrities confusing their underwear for outerwear. Although considering Britney's mental capacity it's a wonder she wears clothes at all and doesn't just wander around dressed in pudding.
More of Britney showing off her huge belly after the jump.
