Aug 11 2006Lindsay Lohan has a stalker
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Lindsay Lohan supposedly has a stalker who's been repeatedly sending her letters asking to meet with her, as well as sending her flowers to the studio which security was concerned enough to sound an alarm for. And on Wednesday a memo was posted on the security gate for the filming of Georgia Rules saying: "One of our actresses has a stalker."
I don't see why anybody would want to stalk Lindsay in the first place. It looks like she's tired of just borrowing her grandma's undwear and has moved on to taking her outfits as well. And skin. And face. Because she's about the oldest looking 20-year-old I've ever seen. If you look at her from the waist down you'd think you were staring at a corpse
Aug 11 2006The Superficial Ketchup
• Lou Diamond Phillips has been arrested in Los Angeles on suspicion of domestic abuse against his live-in girlfriend. When questioned, he repeatedly sang La Bamba. Why? Why not.
• Carmen Electra has officially filed for divorce from Dave Navarro, freeing her up to date the next sexually confused man that falls in her lap.
• Kanye West is engaged. Presumably for his money. Get it? Gold digger? Pop culture referenes for the win!
NOTE: That's not really Lou Diamond Phillips' girlfriend in the picture. I just thought him going vampire on a woman's head was fitting for the story.
Aug 11 2006Heidi Klum and Elle Macpherson care about weird things
Heidi Klum and Elle Macpherson are in a strange supermodel battle over who gets to be called "The Body." Elle has been known as "The Body" since a Time magazine article in 1986 called her so, but this week Klum has been ad campaigning for Victoria's Secre'st new bra and says in a commercial: "They call me The Body - and now I have a bra named after me."
"We saw that and were like, Oh my god!" Elle Macpherson Intimates spokeswoman Melissa Edwards told Lowdown yesterday. "We were initially flabbergasted." Now it's a battle of the supermodel moguls � Macpherson, the 42-year-old, 6-foot Aussie mother of two, against Klum, the 33-year-old, 5-foot-9 mother of two (with one on the way). Elle's flack, Edwards, invoked the 1986 Time cover and added: "We have numerous press clippings in the office referring to her as 'The Body.' Everything from Harper's Bazaar to Vogue to the recent Sports Illustrated calls her that. In terms of public record, that name belongs to Elle."
If you look this good at 42 then you deserve to be called whatever the hell you want. The Body? Sure, whatever. Princess Mimi of the Galactic Federation? Why not? You've earned it.
More NSFW pictures of Elle hanging out topless in the Caribbean after the jump.
Continue Reading "Heidi Klum and Elle Macpherson care about weird things"
Aug 11 2006Paris Hilton might have rabies
Paris Hilton's pet kinkajou, Baby Luv, bit her on the arm Tuesday morning while the two were playing. She called her publicist, Elliot Mintz, at about 3am Tuesday and he took her to the emergency room where she spent a few hours at the hospital and received a tetanus shot.
So add on whatever diseases a kinkajou might carry to the already growing collection inside Paris. I'm actually curious as to what it'd be like to have sex with Paris now. Not so much for the actual sex, but just to see what awesome creature I would mutate into after all her diseases worked on me. I picture a tail. And maybe scales.
Aug 11 2006Screech gets mugged by a girl
Dustin Diamond says he got into a fight with a fan on Monday in his Omaha, Nebraska hotel room which resulted in her trying to mug him.
"I wake up and go to the bathroom and all of a sudden I hear this pound-pound-pound at the door," Diamond told E! Online in a phone interview Thursday. "I look out and see this girl with her hair hung down and I didn't put it together right away that it's the girl at the club. This girl was behind me and our conversation must have given her the idea, I guess, to try and rob me. And [around 3 a.m.] she's at the door screaming, 'Come on, Screech, my phone's in there.' And clearly just being a comedian, I'm like, 'Yeah yeah where is it?' " She kept pounding and that's when Diamond says he called hotel security to have her escorted her out of the building. About 45 minutes later, Diamond said he was opening his door to go downstairs to catch a ride for a 5:15 a.m. flight when he heard a "boom." "Somehow she got back in and is now holding a can of Mace up," he recounted. "I'm freaked out and jump back and she says, 'Where's the money, come on, tell me where it is, and she's trying to look through my bags.' " Diamond managed to call 911 and the hotel security. He said he tried to "give her a house shirt to make her go away," referring to the T-shirts he's been hawking to save his Wisconsin home. Then, he said, "she grabs my PlayStation Portable games, said, "This will have to do," and goes running out the door. "I'm a big gamer and you don't mess with the D-man's videogames," he said. Diamond, an alum of Celebrity Boxing 2, said he tried to stop her but she yelled, "Rape!" and "Help me! I'm thinking great, this is all I need," Diamond said. The actor said he managed to recover his games as police arrived. He and the woman both gave statements to police; he was allowed to leave to catch his flight.
Why would anybody want to mug Dustin Diamond? That'd be like mugging the homeless guy who sleeps on your lawn. If you're going to mug somebody at least set your sights a little higher. Maybe somebody with money? Although if there's anybody you'd think would be easy to steal from it'd be Screech. On the scale of people capable of defending themselves he's right up there with 'blind guy with no arms.' Or Gary Coleman.
Aug 10 2006Suri Cruise is alive and fuzzy
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Vanity Fair has bought the rights to publish the first official pictures of Suri Cruise, but to hold you over until they do this is supposedly a shot of Suri taken as photographers were getting aerials of Tom Cruise's mansion. I don't doubt that it's Suri, I just can't see or make her out. It might as well be a picture of a tree with the caption: "Suri Cruise hides behind a tree." Clearly there are colors involved here. And shapes. But the genetic composite of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? I don't think I have the testicular fortitude to make such wild and crazy allegations.
Smaller even less clear shots of Suri at the window after the jump.
Aug 10 2006Val Kilmer might be pregnant
Looks like Cowboy Kilmer is really letting himself go. How does he expect to round up all the cows on the beach if he can't even see his feet. I never thought I'd be saying this, but he could learn a thing or two from Matthew McConaughey. Like that steroids really work. Or putting on a headband and growing horrible facial hair can really distract from the body.
Aug 10 2006Matthew McConaughey no longer wears shirts
McConaughey angry! McConaughey smash!
Continue Reading "Matthew McConaughey no longer wears shirts"
Aug 10 2006Lindsay Lohan getting in more trouble
Lindsay Lohan is reportedly in trouble with her Los Angeles home, the Chateau Marmont, due to her partying and faces getting kicked out of the hotel.
"They are trying to kick her out. It is very disruptive with all of her friends coming in and out and her late nights," said a source. Another insider added, "Even for the Chateau, it is too much." But a rep for the famed hotel to the stars sniffed, "Not true."
Additionally, a crew member on Herbie: Fully Loaded has come out and anonymously posted a letter claiming her behavior on Herbie: Fully Loaded was equally as bad as the complaints made by Morgan Creek. He writes:
"Her behavior [on 'Georgia Rule'] is exactly the same inconsiderate [bleep] she pulled on the 'Herbie' production. She stayed out all night, and then the doctor announced that Ms. Lohan had asthma the next day. She played the exhaustion card a couple of times . . . She called in sick one day and . . . she is across town [spending] a day with her then-boyfriend [Wilmer Valderrama] of 'That '70s Show.' Another day she has the 'doctor' call in Ms. Sickie's fake ailment, because she was shooting her own music video the night before . . . The Princess was able to make the production [crew] re-create the desert race sets closer to the Four Seasons [hotel]. She said she had signed on 'to do a film in Los Angeles' and El Mirage was too hot and too far. She is a brat."Leslie Sloane Zelnik, Lohan's hardworking rep, raged, "Until this person goes on the record like the producers of Morgan Creek did and attaches a face and name to their charges, I am not going to reply. Stop hiding behind blind anonymity!"
And for no reason at all except that they exist, here are shots of Lindsay Lohan's baggy panties. You'd think somebody who lived in a bikini would have some more flattering underwear, and yet everytime I see them they look like she stole them from her grandma's closet.
Aug 10 2006Britney Spears loves Kevin Federline
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Britney Spears reportedly wants to renew her wedding vows after giving birth to her second child in October to show that she is happily married to Kevin Federline despite rumors saying she's been looking for a divorce lawyer. Additionally, she's also given Kevin Federline a black American Express card with no credit limit as a romantic gesture �to prove how much she trusts him.�
I wouldn't have believed it had I not seen this, but clearly Kevin Federline is using his superior intellect to manipulate Britney into doing all sorts of bizarre things like giving him a credit card worth an unlimited amount of money. She might as well just pack up and move into a Motel 6, because I'm pretty sure they're going to confiscate her mansion when Kevin comes home one day and tells her he bought a brand new island off eBay.
Aug 10 2006Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn may or may not be engaged
Us Weekly is reporting that Vince Vaughn proposed to Jennifer Aniston but Jennifer's rep has issued a statement saying it's not true. Aniston reportedly accepted the proposal as they returned from a nine-day vacation in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico on their private jet. A friend of the couple says Vaughn intended to propose on the beach, but decided at the last minute to do it on the plane before they landed.
"He was going to propose on the beach during the trip, but he chickened out because he wasn�t sure if she would accept," said "friend" gabbed. "But he knew he was leaving town for awhile, so he just felt he had to ask her before they landed."
And apparently Jennifer's rep has a habit of denying things which turn out to be true.
For example, in November 1999, when Aniston was spotting wearing a diamond sparkler on her left ring finger, Huvane denied that she was engaged to Brad Pitt, claiming the bauble was "not an engagement ring," and he continued to deny that the pair planned to marry up until their June 29, 2000 wedding.In December 2004, two weeks before Pitt and Aniston announced their split, Huvane maintained that all was well in their union. "They are looking forward to spending the holidays with each other. There is no split. They are fine," he told Us Weekly.
In February 2005, Huvane denied reports that Aniston planned to move back into her former Hollywood Hills home, claiming it had been leased out to Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher. Lo and behold, the couple was asked to move out that month so that Aniston could move back in later that year.
Finally, when rumors that Aniston and Vaughn were dating first surfaced in July 2005, Huvane denied there was any romantic interest. "Vince is a good friend of Jennifer's. I think the tabloids are so eager to see her with someone romantically that they just make these false assumptions," he told the New York Post.
So basically they're probably engaged and Jennifer's rep is a lying bastard. Although Life & Style also reported they were engaged a month ago, but with a different story. So really everybody's just making stuff up. Except for me. I only report the truth. Especially when it comes to the size of my humongous penis. Except sometimes I downplay it just to be modest.
Aug 9 2006Paris Hilton gets a ticket
Paris Hilton was issued a traffic ticket after parking in a red zone and losing the keys to her $400,000 Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren. And living up to the Hilton family name, Nicky Hilton stupidly asks: "Can I put time in her meter for her?" failing to realize that they're parked in a red zone.
"She's not above the law," says the refreshingly fair traffic officer. "No one's above the law."
And if that weren't bad enough, a reader who's friends with Paris' assistant (the woman driving the car at the end) says the keys were actually in the ignition the whole time. So she can tell me all she wants her stupid blonde persona is just an act, but if it looks, acts, and quacks like a duck, I'm pretty fucking sure it's a spoiled bitch who parks in red zones and thinks two plus two equals doggie.
Aug 9 2006The Superficial Ketchup
• Robin Williams has entered rehab to treat alcoholism, after being sober for 20 years and finding himself drinking again. If what we've seen for the past 20 years is Robin Williams sober I can't imagine how annoying he is drunk. I picture a wild monkey, but with less poo throwing and more lame impressions. And probably more body hair too.
• Bruce Willis is suing a childhood friend claiming he tried to extort him for $100,000 and a new car by threatening to release private photos of him. Which really makes you wonder what kind of photos we're dealing with here.
• Drummer Travis Barker has broken up with his Playboy Playmate wife Shanna Moakler after just two years of marriage. I can't even find the energy to pretend I care about this.
Aug 9 2006Nicole Richie with creepy mystery man
Nicole Richie was spotted in Beverly Hills yesterday with this weird looking guy. Can't say I was a fan of DJ AM - mostly because his name was DJ AM - but at least he didn't look like Nicole's pimp. Or like he was 64-years old. I would've assumed it was her dad except that her dad is black. And Lionel Richie. So unless this his idea of a prank, Nicole Richie should seriously consider finding a new boyfriend. One who doesn't look like he's directly involved in the porno industry.
More of Nicole Richie and her hilariously weird-looking mystery man after the jump.
Aug 8 2006Kate Beckinsale still can't afford a real gym
I shouldn't complain because she's in crazy good shape, but I can't help but wonder what kind of results she'd get if Kate Beckinsale used an actual gym with actual exercise equipment. Doing squats outisde can only get you so far. And if she insists on working out on the sidewalk she might as well mix it up. Curl some potted plants or something. Bench press a trashcan. And maybe get a new outfit. Because wearing the same thing twice in Hollywood is comparable to shooting a orphan in the face.
More of Kate doing some outside squats after the jump.
Continue Reading "Kate Beckinsale still can't afford a real gym"
Aug 8 2006Heather Mills breaks into Paul McCartney's house
Police were called to Paul McCartney's house after Heather Mills was locked out and had one of her security guys jump the fence to let her in. The locks had been changed and Heather's rep played down the incident, saying:
"She said it was hilarious. It was just a complete mix-up." McCartney had frozen the couple's joint bank account and sent Mills McCartney a letter complaining about three bottles of cleaning liquid that were taken from his home to her office.
Stealing bottles of cleaning liquid and breaking into homes? Pretty soon she'll be taking all the ketchup packets from McDonalds and stealing the toilet paper from public restrooms. And then living in public restrooms.
Aug 8 2006Janet Jackson likes her water cold
Janet Jackson was at the Johnny Vaughn show on Capital Radio in London and demanded chilled spring water from Fiji. And not to be confused as a regular human being, she had her staff use a thermometer to check and make sure the water was cold enough. A source says:
"It was simply unbelievable. It was hilarious watching her staff make such a fuss."
You know how else you can tell if water is cold enough? You drink it. Or touch it. Or get near it. There's pretty much an infinite number of more sensible options than having an entire staff of lemmings run around with a thermometer. Although water does taste better when there's science involved. Wait, did I say science? I meant Vicodin.
Aug 8 2006Lindsay Lohan is an American hero
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Lindsay Lohan says she wants to go to Iraq with Hillary Rodham Clinton to throw a concert for the troops.
"I've been trying to go to Iraq with Hillary Clinton for so long," Lohan, 20, tells Elle magazine in its September issue, after she was asked if she had any big plans for next year. "Hillary was trying to work it out, but it seemed too dangerous." She continues, "I wanted to do what Marilyn Monroe did (during the Korean War), when she went and just set up a stage and did a concert for the troops all by herself. It's so amazing seeing that one woman just going somewhere, this beautiful sex kitten, who's basically a pinup, which is what I've always aspired to be." Even without Sen. Clinton, Lohan is confident she can handle an Iraq trip on her own. "I'm not afraid of going," she says. "My security guard is going to take me to a gun range when I get back to L.A., and I'm going to start taking shooting lessons."
So all this time I thought Lindsay was just being stupid and immature but turns out it was all part of her plan to be a "beautiful sex kitten, who's basically a pinup." Who needs an education or self-respect when your only goal in life is to be oggled by guys? She might as well aspire to be a hamburger.
Aug 8 2006Kelly Osbourne shouldn't be allowed on the beach
Kelly Osbourne looks like she just escaped from a mental asylum and is wandering the beach like a crazy homeless person. I don't even know why she's on the beach. She looks about as happy there as Paris Hilton would in a library. She should return to wherever it is she came from. Like her house. Or the swamp creature exhibit at the zoo.
More of Kelly looking totally out of her element after the jump.
Continue Reading "Kelly Osbourne shouldn't be allowed on the beach"
Aug 8 2006Paris Hilton gets breaked up
Paris Hilton reportedly got back together with Stavros Niarchos a few days ago, saying: “We’re together now here, we love each other.” But now they've apparently broken up again after Stavros stormed out on her at P. Diddy's white party in St. Tropez when Paris accused him of not trusting her.
“Paris was clapping at Diddy’s trampoline antics while Stavros was on the other side of the pool, glaring at her,” a source told the London Mirror. “He began texting Paris to come over, but she refused, sending him harsh messages on her diamante-covered Blackberry. Eventually, she stormed over and yelled, ‘Don’t you trust me? Get over it!” Stavros reportedly stormed off while Paris continued to party with Diddy until 6 a.m.
What does it mean when somebody like Stavros Niarchos can't trust Paris Hilton. He can do it with random women he meets in clubs but Paris Hilton? Oh no, she watches a guy on a trampoline and that's it. Because Paris Hilton and trampolines. That's...something. Bouncy?
Aug 7 2006Jessica Simpson is big boned
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Jessica Simpson went to Matsuhisa last Friday and to Il Sole the night before and tried to enter the restaurants through the back entrances to avoid paparazzi. Which is probably what I'd do too if I was wearing a black potato sack as a dress. Nobody wants to be photographed in that. Especially when it makes you look three months pregnant and like you've put yourself in an imaginary competition against Britney Spears to see who can eat the most mayonnaise.
More of Jessica Simpson looking heftier than usual after the jump.
Aug 7 2006Paris Hilton gets Hello Kittied
In what can only be read as a sign of the apocalypse, Paris Hilton has been given her own line of Hello Kitty figures by Sanrio. They've got the blonde hair, purses, and even Tinkerbell, but it still needs a certain something to make it undeniably Paris. Like a stripping pole. Or detachable crabs. Or a giant sign around her neck that says "I'm a worthless human being." Maybe a penis in the mouth? I'm just throwing out ideas here, folks.
Aug 7 2006Pamela Anderson has two more weddings left
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock celebrated their second wedding on Saturday in a Detroit courthouse, after their first one on a yacht in St. Tropez a week ago.
"It's official," the actress wrote on a posting to her Website. "Just left the courthouse!!!! Mr. and Mrs. Ritchie have left the building." During the Friday session with Seacrest she denied that she and Rock would be tying the knot in Detroit, saying she was simply in the city to "hang out." Anderson further claimed that she and Rock would not swap "I do's" in Nashville. "There's only one more wedding [in Malibu]," she told Seacrest. "For the kids." Anderson has not stated why she made the misleading statements to Seacrest (i.e., turning around and getting remarried in Detroit a day after publicly saying she wasn't), but perhaps she was trying to throw mood-killing shutterbugs off track.
I'm pretty sure what Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are doing is illegal. They were officially married a few days after their St. Tropez wedding so I have no idea what they could be doing in a Detroit courthouse. The only reason you have courthouse weddings is to make it offiical as painlessly as possible. But they've already done that. And it's not like you can show up in a bikini and start stripping for the random weirdos in a courthouse. It's like they're getting officially married multiple times. Last time I checked this was America, not the make believe island in my head. Or Utah.
Aug 7 2006Britney Spears shows off her belly
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Something about the way Britney Spears is standing reminds me of a really pathetic penguin in this picture. Although I feel like I should applaud her outfit or something. Like it's an achievement somebody of her mental capacity managed to get dressed without accidentally burning themselves on the stove.
More of Britney looking the way only Britney can after the jump.
Aug 7 2006Paris Hilton is still a total liar
I haven't posted this because it's basically the same story as this from a month ago, but people keep sending it in so I figure the only way to stop the insanity is to just put it up. Anyways, Paris Hilton told the British edition of GQ that she's giving up sex for a year and has only slept with two men in her entire life.
"I'm not having sex for a year. ... I'll kiss, but nothing else," says Hilton, who told the magazine she has had sex with only two men during her lifetime. Of the videotape with Rick Solomon that became one of the most searched-for items on the Internet in 2003, she said: "I never received a dime from it. It's just dirty money and he should give it all to some charity for the sexually abused or something." When asked about British Prime Minister Tony Blair, her response was: "Who? ... Oh, yeah, he's like your president. I don't know what he looks like."
The only parts of this story you should believe are that Paris Hilton doesn't know who Tony Blair is and that she hasn't been paid for her sex tape. Everything else is basically rubbish. Because the only way I'll believe Paris Hilton has only slept with two guys and is only kissing now is if Jesus appears in my living room, slaps me across the face, and tells me it's true. And even then there's still a slight possiblity I'd slap him back and call him a dirty liar.
Aug 7 2006Lindsay Lohan boxes in her bikini
In case the pictures weren't good enough, here's video of Lindsay Lohan in her most recent blue bikini. Most of it is just Lindsay walking around, but the last 1/4 of the video features her doing some boxing in a bikini with her trainer. Which has me convinced she has absolutely no idea what constitutes appropriate clothing anymore. Picture the least likely thing you'd expect somebody to wear in a situation and that's what Lindsay would be wearing. She'd show up to a funeral in jean cutoffs or attend church in a giant hippopotamus costume.
