Jul 28 2006Lindsay Lohan gets a scolding
The Smoking Gun has a ridiculously amusing letter sent to Lindsay Lohan reprimanding her for partying too much and holding up the production of Georgia Rules, even calling her a "spoiled child" and threatening to hold her personally responsible for hundreds of thousands of dollars wasted because she keeps missing work with "bogus excuses." I'd nominate this thing for the Nobel prize in literature but that'd be unfair to the other contestants.
Jul 28 2006Jessica Biel walks her dog
Jessica Biel and her friend were spotted walking their dogs in Brentwood Hills dressed almost exactly the same. Probably coincidence, but I'm gonna assume it's part of some plan so if they're ever in trouble they can just run in separate directions and the bad guys won't know which one to follow. Or if Jessica didn't study for the math test this week she can just send in her twin to take it for her. Or some other billiant scheme that involves plenty of hilarious hijinks.
Jul 28 2006Miss Universe eats way too much
18-year-old Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza - who fainted shortly after being crowned Miss Universe - says the cause was because "it was hard to breathe and the dress was very tight and weighed a lot" and not because she had been starving herself. She says:
"I eat very well. My nutritionist ordered me to eat six times a day."
What kind of crazy ass nutrionist is ordering people to eat six times a day? Even normal people don't eat that much, let alone somebody trying to be Miss Universe. Maybe her nutritionist thought she was trying out for Mr. Universe, which is an entirely different competition altogether. And judging by her physique she clearly didn't take the guy's advice. Unless eating six times a day means eating once. And that meal consists of a cup of water and a vitamin.
Jul 28 2006Anna Kournikova eats way too much
I've got nothing else to say. She's just way too fat. It's almost sickening. Like she wandered into a buffet and forgot how to get full.
Jul 27 2006Christina Aguilera changes her look
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Christina Aguilera has been doing the Gwen Stefani thing for so long I've almost forgotten how stunning she can be when she wants to. She was spotted leaving The Ivy looking like she did three years ago, before turning into the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe and adopting an entire wardrobe of see through clothes. Which is bad news for her husband, because you can see him sulking in the background like he knows the divorce his imminent. Although the daily reminders that he looks like a giant mole man and is the biggest mistake of her life might've given it away too.
More of Christina and her new look after the jump.
Jul 27 2006Britney Spears is really mean
Britney Spears reportedly fired her pool guy for talking to Kevin Federline too much. The pool boy says:
“I was hanging out a little bit,” ex-employee Jon LaLane told In Touch Weekly. “She came out screaming at Kevin for lying around, then looked at me like I was to blame.” The next day, LaLane, says he got a call from Spears’ people, telling him not to report for work. LaLane, son of the famed exercise guru Jack LaLane, also has a band, and he says he and K-Fed would talk music. But, he claims, Spears would get jealous when her hubby talked to anyone else.“She wants Kevin on a leash,” LaLane told the mag. “She fires everybody. I figured, ‘Why not me?’ I just didn’t expect her to be so mean.” He adds: “It’s a revolving door there. She’s not the nice person everyone thinks she is.
His first mistake was dropping out of college and becoming a pool boy. His second mistake was thinking talking to Kevin Federline would be a good idea. And his third mistake was not being a giant bag of Cheetos. Because I gaurantee you if he was a giant bag of Cheetos he could be caught giving Kevin Federline a blowjob and Britney would just give him a hug and let him know what an inspiration he is to her. And how she hopes one day her kids will grow up to be just like him.
Jul 27 2006Paris Hilton bathes with feces
I don't know what's more horrifying: the fact that Paris Hilton is bathing a child in that outfit or the fact that there's also a floating piece of poo in there. Or the fact that I masturbated to the whole thing. Either way there's some very bad memories being made here.
Jul 26 2006Lindsay Lohan shows off her rear
I wasn't sure if I should post these or not but I couldn't justify not putting up pictures of Lindsay Lohan bending over in a bikini. You get pictures of Lindsay Lohan bending over in a bikini in your email and you put them up. Simple as that. You don't question it. It'd be like waking up in the morning with a Ferrari in your garage and not taking it out for a drive. It just doesn't make any sense. So without any further ado I present more shots of Lindsay Lohan and her magical day at Jeremy Piven's birthday party.
More of Lindsay and her creative bikini choice after the jump.
Jul 26 2006Tori Spelling gets screwed
Tori Spelling was set to inherit millions from her dad's $500 million estate but her mom has supposedly cut her out of the will and is only giving her 0.16% of the fortune - a cash inheritance of $200,000 and another $600,000 in private investments set up by her dad.
“I believe Candy had a lot to do with what was left for Tori,” the source says of Tori’s mother, who is sole managing executor of the estate.
She has no choice now: Tori Spelling has to murder her own mom. It's ironic that the Spelling household would turn into a plot line from a Spelling TV show, but that's how fate works. Although once her mom is dead she'll uncover a secret chest in the attic proving she was actually her sister. Her twin sister. Bum bum bummm!
Jul 26 2006Lindsay Lohan is so hot it's unhealthy
Lindsay Lohan was taken from the set of Georgia Rules to the hospital today after suffering from heat exhaustion.
"She was overheated and dehydrated," Lohan's rep, Leslie Sloane-Zelnick, tells "The Insider"'s Marc Malkin. Sloane-Zelnick says the starlet spent a couple of hours in the hospital after being given a Vitamin B shot. "She was filming in 105-degree weather for 12 hours," she said.
This is the one time I'll let the heat exhaustion excuse slide because it's roughly 146 degrees in California right now. I'd take myself to the hospital except I've already passed out on my couch. I don't even know how I'm typing this. It's like a miracle of science.
Jul 26 2006Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt wax figure goes live
Turns out the unveiling of the Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt wax figure was today and they decided to do the entire biological family. Although it looks like they got tired after making Angelina Jolie and Shiloh and just threw something together for Brad Pitt. I'm not even sure if it is Brad Pitt. He's got a backwards baseball cap on but that's about it. It'd be more convincing if they didn't show his face at all and just had the top of his hat coming over the edge of the crib or something. Or maybe they could tape a photo of him over the wax figure. Because I've made more convincing likenesses using Play-Doh. Or even my own boogers.
A closeup of the baby wax figure after the jump if you're into that kind of thing. And thanks to the spectacularly sexy Kimberly for the photos.
Continue Reading "Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt wax figure goes live"
Jul 26 2006Lindsay Lohan forgets how to dress normally
Lindsay Lohan attended Jeremy Piven's birthday on Sunday and felt it necessary to change into no less than three different outfits - two of which were bikinis. I could understand this if it was her own birthday or her wedding or any other event where she was the guest of honor, but this was somebody else's birthday. Who brings multiple bikinis to a party? What kind of person wakes up in the morning and thinks to themselves maybe they'll need a spare bikini? I guess the same kind of person who poses for pictures like they're at a softcore photoshoot even though they're just hanging out at somebody's house.
More of Lindsay posing in her bikini after the jump.
Continue Reading "Lindsay Lohan forgets how to dress normally"
Jul 26 2006Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt gets turned into wax
Brad Pitt and Anglina Jolie's daughter will become the first infant ever given a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Which is absolutely as ridiculous as it sounds. There can't be more than six people in the world who would even recognize the baby if they saw her and five of those are relatives. They could just throw up a Cabbage Patch Doll and nobody would know the difference. Unless they got the race wrong and put up a Black one. And even then people would just be like, "Well she did give birth in Africa. So I guess this makes sense."
Jul 26 2006Lance Bass is gay
Lance Bass has finally admitted what everybody already knew and come out and said he's gay.
"I knew that I was in this popular band and I had four other guys' careers in my hand, and I knew that if I ever acted on it or even said (that I was gay), it would overpower everything. I didn’t know: Could that be the end of ’N Sync? So I had that weight on me of like, ‘Wow, if I ever let anyone know, it's bad.' So I just never did."
If this whole time has been Lance Bass acting like he wasn't gay I can't even imagine what a gay Lance Bass will be like. He'll make Carson from Queer Eye look like the straightest guy in the world. Like he goes hunting bear with his bare hands or something.
Jul 25 2006Natalie Portman gets blonde and angry
A blonde Natalie Portman was spotted in Buenos Aires getting in a fight with some paparazzi, which makes the third case this week of celebrities suddenly getting in tussles with photographers. Maybe somebody has been hiding steroids in their food. Or sending out memos saying the paparazzi killed their parents. And maybe that somebody was me. Because I'll be damned if I'll let a court order stop me from hiding steroids in food and telling people their parents were murdered by a bunch of dudes with cameras.
More of Natalie going at it with the paparazzi after the jump.
Jul 25 2006Christie Brinkley's husband says he's stupid
Christie Brinkley's estranged husband has apologized for having an affair with an 18-year-old employee, saying:
"This is an aberration. I'm sorry. I'm contrite. I'm stupid. Foolish. No excuse. I love my wife. ... For a lifetime I've tried to prove how much I love her."
I dunno man. Usually when guys try to prove how much they love their wife they don't go sleeping with 18-year-olds. They usually stick with buying them nice things and treating them well. Sleeping with teenagers is probably at the bottom of the list. Right after pushing them down a flight of stairs or hiring an angry clown to stalk them.
Jul 25 2006David Arquette loses his cool
David Arquette confronted a group of paparazzi who were hanging outside his home hoping to get a picture of his daughter. And there's nothing more threatening than when a guy in a pink shirt walks up to you and starts waving a towel around. That's like the definition of confrontation. At least I think it is. I don't really know what words mean.
More of David Arquette and his towel after the jump.
Jul 24 2006Calista Flockhart is looking weird
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This is what happens when you don't work for five years and let Harrison Ford date you. Who needs makeup when you're going out with a 60-year-old. Looking even remotely attractive risks giving him a heart attack. Or maybe having his arm break off in a cloud of dust.
More of Calista looking peculiar after the jump.
Jul 24 2006Lindsay Lohan gets hacked by Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton has been accused of hacking into Lindsay Lohan's BlackBerry and sending offensive messages to her friends from it. A spokeswoman for Lindsay says the perpetrator sent "disgusting and very mean messages that everyone thought were coming from Lindsay. They weren't. We now have lawyers looking into it. Some people think Paris may have been involved because the wording of the messages sounds very familiar."
Hilton's representative Elliot Mintz says, "I'm saddened this happened to Lindsay. I lived through this with Paris two years ago when her Sidekick was hacked into, and the loss of privacy is unbearable. But as for any suggestion that Paris would have anything to do with this, that is silly, untrue and unfortunate."
The wording of the messages sounded like Paris Hilton? So basically they were made up of single syllable words and a series of moans? No offense to Lindsay, but I doubt Paris Hilton has the mental capacity to hack into a BlackBerry. She's barely able to get into a box of cereal, let alone the security system of a $600 cell phone.
Jul 24 2006Petra Nemcova and James Blunt are still together
Petra Nemcova and James Blunt were spotted in Prague, suggesting Petra might actually be taking this thing seriously. Which is impossible, because James Blunt looks like this. And if something like that can get with Petra Nemcova what's the point of being outrageously sexy anymore? I might as well just run around in a ferret costume and eat garbage, because apparently we're living in Crazy World where supermodels are attracted to giant rodent people.
Jul 24 20062006 Miss Universe passes out
18-year-old Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza from Puerto Rico won the 2006 Miss Universe title yesterday but fainted briefly (don't worry, somebody caught her as she fell) after a post-pageant news conference. She was wearing a dress made entirely of metal chains and had been standing under hot stage lights, although she quickly recovered after being given liquids.
If you saw the pageant it looked like Miss Japan was going to win, but then they announced Miss Puerto Rico and it was just confusing as hell. And above we've got Donald Trump looking really angry standing next to her which is also confusing as hell. You can't stand next to a woman that hot and look that angry. It's physically impossible. Unless you're a woman, in which case that's about the only face you can make. That and crying. Because seriously, next to her you might as well just cut off your face and call it a day.
Jul 24 2006Matthew McConaughey assaults the paparazzi
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I'd be pretty angry too if somebody photographed me pretending to be Superman on the beach. Although that's usually the kind of thing you do at home in your underwear so it's not surprising somebody felt compelled to capture it on film. And judging by the guy's lens attachment he probably could've gotten the same shots from like two miles away. Or Canada.
Check out after the jump for all the pics featuring Matthew McConaughey exercising on the beach and then getting closer and closer to a photog before grabbing him by the arm and pushing him.
