Jul 21 2006Christina Aguilera wears see through clothes again
Christina Aguilera was spotted leaving The Koko Club in a see through dress, which isn't even surprising anymore. Pretty soon she'll just be showing up to events in saran wrap. And then maybe glass. And then eventually wearing nothing at all. And then people will ask what happened to the glass outfit, because it's not everyday you see somebody wearing glass for clothes. It's also not everyday you see a man so ruggedly handsome he makes Brad Pitt look like dog shit. And yet here I am. Alive. Making Brad Pitt look like dog shit.
More of Christina Aguilera leaving The Koko Club after the jump.
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Jul 21 2006Naomi Campbell is arrested again
Naomi Campbell was arrested after allegedly causing a disturbance outside a former boyfriend's home. The Sun reports she arrived looking to get some of her old stuff back and was detained for breach of peace after "reports of a woman causing a disturbance." She was released a few hours later with no further action taken by the police.
If you have a run in with Naomi Campbell and all that happens is a little yelling consider yourself lucky. Most times if she wants to disturb the peace she breaks through a brick wall and starts drop kicking people. Heck, that's not even when she wants to disturb the peace. That's just Naomi Campbell kicking back on a Thursday afternoon.
Jul 21 2006Colin Farrell drives women crazy
A woman went crazy during yesterday's taping of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and confronted Colin Farrell, walking up to him during his interview and accusing him of stalking her with inappropriate calls and text messages. Another audience member says:
"She said something to Colin Farrell that no one heard, then he took her by the elbow, led her off stage, asked the cameramen to turn off their cameras and asked for security." Quoting an audience member, Access Hollywood said the woman shouted at Farrell, "I'll see you in court," to which Farrell replied, "You're insane."
The incident won't be shown, but at least you can take comfort knowing you're not the only person who thinks Colin Farrell is stalking them. Just because he shows up at your front door in his underwear and a video camera doesn't mean anything. That's how people say hello where he's from. You know. Ireland? I'm racist!
UPDATE: Wanna see the face of madness? Check out Colin Farrell's crazy stalker woman's MySpace here. Thanks to Tracey for the tip.
Jul 21 2006Paula Abdul hides weights in her chest
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It takes a real woman like Paula Abdul to say "Screw you!" to society and not give in to the importance we've placed on appearance. Why look good and have a great body when you can tell your plastic surgeon to make you look like a monkey and have as horrendous a body as possible. Breasts not quite dragging on the floor? Throw some weights in there doctor. Chest plate looking too normal? Cave that bad boy in.
More of Paula Abdul's mind blowing beauty after the jump.
Jul 20 2006Britney Spears hires a new manny
Britney Spears has apparently hired Ben Affleck to be the new manny for her baby. Unless that's still the original guy. Maybe he's been around K-Fed and Britney for so long he felt it necessary to grow a goatee and dye his hair black. Which means if he ever worked for me he'd end up participating in supermodel orgies and trying to grow his penis to humongous proportions. And then dedicating his life to saving children and punching bad guys in the face. And maybe curing cancer. I'm also filthy rich and a fox in bed. Call me, ladies.
More of Britney's new manny after the jump.
Jul 20 2006Kate Hudson wants people to think she's fat
Kate Hudson has won a lawsuit against The National Enquirer for a story they published with the headline "Goldie Tells Kate: Eat Something!" with a picture of Kate looking frail and gaunt. The Enquirer has agreed to print an apology as well as pay an undisclosed sum.
Her lawyer, Simon Smith, told Britain's High Court the story and pictures implied Hudson had "recklessly and foolishly endangered her health by deliberately starving herself." One photograph "purported to show Ms Hudson as very frail and gaunt in appearance," he said, although the magazine had on other occasions printed photos taken weeks before and after, describing her as looking "stunning" and "great." "The allegations are entirely false and were deeply offensive and embarrassing to Ms Hudson," he added. "Ms Hawn has explained to me that she has never had any concerns about her daughter's appearance whatsoever and that she has always appeared to be very healthy and happy."
I don't understand how Kate could have possibly won this lawsuit. All they did was print pictures of her looking thin. It's not like the pictures were hand drawn or something. They were photographs. If she doesn't want to be embarrassed by her weight then she shouldn't have an embarrassing weight. It'd be like taking a picture of Rosie O'Donnell and getting sued because you portrayed her as an ugly bulldog.
Jul 20 2006Nicole Richie is malnourished
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Nicole Richie reportedly fainted while shopping at LA boutique Kitson, refusing some food afterwards but taking some water.
�She was looking through a rack of clothes when she suddenly fainted and hit the floor,� an �eyewitness� told the mag. �The staff helped her to a chair and offered her something to eat. She shot back, �No!� and mumbled something about it being �so hot.�� Although Richie turned away food, she did accept a glass of water, reports the mag, and after about 20 minutes �was steady enough to leave.�
That's what happens when you replace your meals with laxatives. I don't know a single person who's fainted from the heat, and yet every other teen celebrity has. Unless it's not the heat. Unless it's because they're starving themselves. I don't even dare to imagine such a thing could be true. The shock! The horror! Why am I yelling!
More of Nicole Richie looking really healthy after the jump.
Jul 20 2006Britney Spears is out of her mind
Britney Spears has written a little post on her official site (the Love B section) dedicated to tigers and their "mysteriousness". She writes:
"In some ways, people are a lot like animals. I'm mesmerized by tigers. Their eyes, their stripes, their constant quest for survival. They almost have a sense of mysteriousness about them. They pull you in and make it difficult to look away. They make you wonder what is behind their gaze. A sense of eerie awe comes over you in their presence. The fear they give you when you pass them is stunning. Behold the beauty of the tiger."
This is something a fourth grader would write if they were told to do a report on tigers and were too lazy to do any research. It's like Britney received her latest issue of Zoobooks and felt inspired to share her new discovery. Only the issue was on elephants. And she was typing on the piano.
Jul 20 2006Haley Joel Osment is in the hospital
18-year-old Haley Joel Osment has been hospitalized after losing control of his 1995 Saturn and flipping it after hitting a brick pillar. He was awake and talking following the crash and was taken to Huntington Hospital.
First of all, Haley Joel Osment is 18? I could've sworn he was still six or something. And why is he driving a 1995 Saturn? With the money he has he should be driving around in an Aston Martin. Or a rocket ship. Or, considering he doesn't know how to drive, a tank.
Jul 19 2006Kevin Smith is my hero of the day
Kevin Smith lashed out at Joel Siegel after the movie critic stormed out of a screening of Clerks II during a scene where the characters are discussing hiring woman to perform sexual favors on a donkey. Siegel got out of his seat and yelled: "Time to go! First movie I've walked out of in 30 [bleeping] years!" In response, Kevin Smith wrote on his MySpace:
"Getting a bad review from Siegel is like a badge of honor. This is the guy who stole his mustachioed-critic shtick from Gene Shalit years ago, and still refuses to give it back. This is a guy who seemingly prides himself on his own nyuk-nyuk wordplay. For 'Pirates 2,' he made us all titter with 'Yo, Ho, Ho and a Bottle of Fun' . . . He made us squeal with delight when he wrote, 'Wheelie Good Time for "Cars." ' I mean, Fozzy [bleeping] Bear laughs at this guy."And there's more: "I don't need Joel Siegel to [bleep] my [bleep] the way he apparently [bleeps] M. Night Shyamalan's, gushing over his flick ['The Lady in the Water'] before he's even seen it, but [bleep] man, man - how about a little common [bleeping] courtesy? You never, never disrupt a movie, simply because you don't like it. Cardinal rule of moviegoing: Shut your [bleeping] mouth while the movie's playing.
"I don't come down to your job and slap the taste out of your mouth for coming up with a line like, ' "Shark Tale" Is a Halibut Good Time' - so don't [bleep] with my stuff while it's still screening . . . What are you, a 12-year-old boy cutting loose with your pals at a Friday night screening of 'Scary Movie' 4' while your parents are in a theater down the hall watching 'The Devil Wears Prada'? Leave the diva-like behavior and drama-queen antics to the movie stars, not the movie reviewer, ya' rude-ass [bleep]."
If you didn't read the entire thing you should. And if you're suddenly interested in hearing more from Kevin Smith you should check out this clip of him discussing Superman. You won't be disappointed. Unless you really really hate looking at fat people.
Jul 19 2006Britney Spears gets an apology
The National Enquirer has apologized to Britney Spears for running two different stories saying her marriage to Kevn Federline was over. They write:
"Contrary to what our articles might have suggested, we now accept that their marriage is not over and they are not getting divorced. These allegations are untrue and we now accept Britney's position that the statements are without foundation. We apologize for any distress caused."
The fact that the National Enquirer felt it necessary to apologize for one of their stories means they actually take themselves seriously. And that makes me sad. They're about as credible a news source as Mad TV, only with less fact checking. The only time they'd ever need to apologize for a story is if their paper somehow came alive and started murdering young children. And even then people would just sort of shrug and say, "Dude, it's just the National Enquirer."
Jul 19 2006Jamie-Lynn Sigler is kind of stupid
Jamie-Lynn Sigler was on her way to the opening of Mur Mur nightclub and, after the stretch limo carrying her and her entourage pulled up to a rest stop for some candy, she got back into the wrong car. The passengers stared blankly and she blushed and apologized as she made her way back to the right car.
This has to be the most popular rest stop in the world for there to be enough stretch limos that somebody could actually get confused. Unless Jamie-Lynn Sigler is really so dumb she can't tell the difference between a stretch limo and a Kia Rio. It's a common mistake. One is super long and exudes luxury, and the other closely resembles a large pile of crap shaped into a car.
Thanks to the super ripped Matt for the tip.
Jul 19 2006Kevin Federline drops hints for Britney Spears
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Kevin Federline was spotted mid-goatee carrying a new BOLA Trainer, presumably for Britney Spears so she can get back in shape. I assume this is what they do now. Kevin Federline brings home exercise equipment and Britney Spears brings home clothes that aren't meant for fourteen year old boys. Neither of them actually use the stuff, but at least they've found a way to communicate without actually having to talk to each other.
More of Kevin Federline getting people in shape after the jump.
Jul 19 2006Mischa Barton is a surprised ghost
I've heard rumors that Mischa Barton is supposed to be attractive. Clearly somebody has their facts mixed up because attractive people don't look like Beetlejuice. Or space aliens. Or whatever else looks the way Mischa Barton looks. And what kind of expression is that? It's the face you make when somebody asks you what the square root of 12,526 is, shows you a picture of your mom having sex with the mailman, and then gives you a bag full of puppies and kittens. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go my entire life without ever making that expression.
More of Mischa looking like she forgot how to be human after the jump.
Jul 18 2006Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting married
Pamela Anderson posted on her official site today that she's getting married to Kid Rock, writing:
Yes. I'm finally getting remarried...it's been a whirlwind...spontaneous but well thought through. Feels like I've been stuck in a time warp. Not able to let go of MY family picture...it's been sad and lonely and frustrating....I've raised my kids alone in hope of a miracle. Well my miracle came and went. And came back and came back because he knew that I'd wake up one day and realize that I was waiting for nothing. I'm moving on...I feel like I'm finally free....I'm in love. I'm happy....I see the light...sounds dramatic but it's true.....I know some women can relate to this....My children are getting older. They know the truth and they are strong, smart kids. They love their Dad. They love their new Step Dad who they've known for years...time will pass. Wounds will heal. Some people may never grow up. Actions speak louder than words....watch!
Considering her last husband used to beat her and make out with other guys, the only way she could do any worse is if Kid Rock turns out be a polar bear wearing a human suit and eats her alive one day. I've...also decided...to take...writing lessons...from...Pamela Anderson...why use periods...when you can use...ellipsis?
Jul 18 2006Lindsay Lohan has bikinis that do
I guess Lindsay Lohan felt her first 26 bikinis didn't do a proper job of emphasizing her breasts because this time she went with a giant rubber band instead of actual swimwear. You can even see how smug she is with her choice. "Ooh, these babies are gonna be flying out today! They're so big! And so real! I'm awesome!"
Jul 18 2006Justin Timberlake likes to take drugs
Justin Timebrlake admits he used to do drugs and says there's nothing wrong with it.
“I've done way too many drugs already. I've already inhaled and I've already ... who knows?” Timberlake tells the Brit magazine Observer Music Monthly. “I'm just like everyone else, I get completely plastered, I've done my fair share of drugs and I've been caught places with my pants down. It's just I make sure there are no cameras around. What I really think is that I've never done anything that bad. I don't show up drunk to functions and the drugs I do have been in my own private time ... If Courtney Love shows up to a function it's like: ‘Oh that’s Courtney Love,’ but if I show up drunk it's like: ‘Oh my God.’”
Caught in places with his pants down? Where are these places and why are his pants down? I guess after a good night of drugs and alcohol there's no better way to relax than to get naked and try to have sex with a parked car. That's living life the Justin Timberlake way.
Jul 18 2006Dave Navarro and Tommy Lee tongue kiss
What makes Dave Navarro's separation from Carmen Electra so shocking is that it came out of nowhere. There just weren't any signs. It would've been so much easier if we saw this coming. Like if Navarro displayed homosexual tendencies or something. You know, like wearing makeup. Or tongue kissing men. Anything to suggest his marriage might run into trouble.
One more shot of Dave Navarro making out with Tommy Lee after the jump. Although that's probably not something you want to see.
Jul 17 2006Marissa Miller is in decent shape
Marissa Miller was spotted on a Miami beach in what I imagine was an attempt to make every woman there hate themselves and want to die. The difference between this and this is almost shocking. They've both got the same body parts, but one looks like they crawled out from beneath a trailer and the other looks like they were dropped off by God himself into the ocean.
More of Marissa Miller making other women look bad after the jump.
Jul 17 2006Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro separate
A rep for Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro says the couple are "amicably separating" after almost three years of marriage. This will be Carmen's second separation, the first to Dennis Rodman back in 1998 after only being married to him for five months.
I'm not saying your marriage is over if your husband spends more time picking out an outfit and putting on makeup than you do but it's not a good sign. It's like competing in a 100-meter dash with bowling balls strapped to your legs and an angry tiger in your lane. It's possible you won't get last place, but my money's on the seven other guys who don't have bowling balls on their legs and who aren't peeing their pants in fear.
Jul 17 2006Tara Reid hits Miami in her bikini
It just wouldn't be summer without Tara Reid getting drunk at a Miami beach resort in Florida. She still has her fake boobs, but it looks like her body is turning into paste. Maybe if she ever finds work again she can look into that. Obviously not acting, but maybe waiting tables at Hooters. Although they might frown upon her finishing customers' drinks and occasionally peeing in the corner because the bathroom was filled with people running around cooking food.
More of Tara Reid drinking in her bikini after the jump.
Jul 17 2006Naomi Campbell still rampaging
Naomi Campbell reportedly smashed up $50,000 worth of stuff on her boyfriend's new yacht because she wasn't pleased with the appetizers or the wine when she ordered the chef to make a "memorable, romantic meal" for her and her boyfriend.
A man in Viareggio harbour said: “All hell seemed to break loose. All you could hear was shouting and screaming in English. There was the sound of plates being broken. “Some of the crew later said the kitchen was a complete mess and the curtains and cushions had all been ripped apart.” The chef, called Andrea, works at Viareggio restaurant il Porto. A colleague said last night: “He wouldn’t have taken insults from Naomi.”
It's time for somebody to introduce Naomi Campbell to Russell Crowe. If nothing else for the ultimate battle to the death they'll end up having. Although Nokia might have to start up an entire new division just to produce enough phones for them to throw at each other.
Jul 17 2006Mischa Barton can't keep track of her nipples
Mischa Barton was spotted at the Serpentine Gallery's Summer Party falling out of her top. Which is to be expected when you have no breasts and your clothes are designed assuming you do. I don't put on fat people pants and expect them to stay on. That's why they invented the belt. And double sided tape. And, if necessary, the stapler. The pictures are NSFW so I wouldn't suggest clicking them unless you really hate your job.
Jul 17 2006Paris Hilton really loves her ferret
Who doesn't love letting their ferret run through the garbage and then making out with it? It's safe. It's sanitary. And it just makes sense. Although I'm more concerned about the ferret catching something from Paris Hilton than the other way around. The ferret's only been going through the garbage. Can't say the same about Paris.
More of Paris and her garbage loving ferret after the jump.
Jul 17 2006Tom Cruise hugs from the crotch
Tom Cruise presented Steven Spielberg with The Golden Hugo Award at the 42nd Annual Chicago International Film Festival on Saturday. And because he's Tom Cruise he had to give Spielberg an awkward crotch hug instead of the socially acceptable chest hug. Does that make him gay? Of course not. The homosexual intercourse he has with men does. But not the hug. The hug just proves he enjoys touching his balls to another man's balls. And why wouldn't he? He's Tom Cruise. And I don't want to live in a world where Tom Cruise doens't love the feel of balls.
Jul 17 2006Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley are married
Avril Lavigne reportedly married Deryck Whibley of Sum 41 Saturday afternoon at a private estate in Montecito, California. Lavigne was walked down the aisle by her father wearing a Vera Wang gown and carrying white roses, and the couple's first dance was to "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls.
Because apparently they've confused their wedding with their high school prom. Could've been a lot worse though. They could've replaced the music with some angry poo-throwing monkeys. Or worse yet, it could've been anything by Nickelback.
