Jul 14 2006Eminem beats people up in strip club bathrooms
Eminem has been accused of beating up a man in a strip club bathroom and police are "very interested" in speaking with him. The fight allegedly broke out yesterday morning at Cheetah strip club when Eminem supposedly punched a man four or five times in the face after another fan tried talking to him while he was peeing.
The victim told WXYZ that he was using a urinal next to Eminem when another man entered the bathroom and struck up a conversation with the rapper. At that point, Miad J. said that one of Em's bodyguards warned the man to keep quiet. Miad J. said he told the bodyguard to relax, and when "Eminem got done ... he started swinging," he told WXYZ. "I wasn't even expecting it. I was just minding my own business."
To be fair to Eminem, I punch people all the time when they try talking to me while I pee. Heck, I punch them just for making eye contact if I'm walking through a room. I figure being able to bench press a car has earned me that right.
Jul 14 2006Pamela Anderson has strange beach wear
I'd normally make fun of Pamela Anderson for going to the beach wearing a giant handkerchief for a shirt, but it feels like a step backwards considering she was wearing this in the previous post. You wouldn't make fun of Hitler for giving up genocide to run over puppies in his car. You'd give him a high five. And possibly a trophy. And then you'd ask somebody to shoot you in the heart because you just gave Hitler a high five and a trophy.
Jul 14 2006Pamela Anderson is really shy
Pamela Anderson did some shopping in St. Tropez Wednesday in a see through top and nipples so powerful even her mighty bra was unable to stop them. She looks great for a 60 year old, but it's hard to throw a proper pants party knowing she's got kids and they're getting old enough to realize they shouldn't get tingly in their special place whenever they look at mommy.
More of Pamela Anderson being her usual bashful self after the jump.
Jul 14 2006Naomi Campbell finds new ways to hurt assistants
Naomi Campbell is being sued again by a third former assistant who claims she was subjected to "verbal, physical and emotional attacks." The assistant was 19 at the time and is seeking unspecified damages for "assault, battery, intentional infliction of emotional distress, reckless infliction of emotional distress and false imprisonment." The suit claims Campbell struck her in the face with her Blackberry, slammed her against a wall, and slapped her repeatedly across the face because a piece of her luggage got left behind during a trip to Brazil. Additionally, Campbell threw a cell phone at her face during a subsequent outburst at the model's New York apartment. Another charge claims Campbell got pissed during an April 2005 photoshoot in Morocco over some forgotten clothing and left her assistant stranded in Morocco without money, tore up her passport and threw it into the swimming pool, and left her to pay the hotel bill. Lastly, at Campbell's Park Avenue home she ripped a sweater her assistant was wearing "off her neck" and accused her of stealing it.
Any diva can throw a phone at their assistant, but it takes a maniacal genius like Naomi Campbell to tear up their passport and leave them stranded in another country. How are people still agreeing to work for her? I hear one time she dangled an assistant above a tank of sharks until they were crying and admitted they stole a pair of jeans, and then she pretended to let them down but instead punched a hole through their face and threw them away in the garbage. True story.
Jul 13 2006Janet Jackson lost some weight
Janet Jackson showed up to the 2006 ESPY Awards looking completely different than what we've come to expect from her. Although it isn't fair when celebrities get fat and then lose the weight. They still don't look that great but considering they used to look like this you're forced by law to say they do. But they don't. But they also don't look like they're challenging elephants as the heaviest land mammal on Earth. So good for you. You now weigh less than an elephant.
Jul 13 2006Lindsay Lohan still filming porn
Lindsay Lohan is obviously a professional when it comes to givinig oral sex. Most women forget the number one rule when trying to please their man: remove your diaper. I don't know who the costume designer for this movie is but somebody should let them know your underwear isn't supposed to look like a parachute.
More shots of Lindsay after the jump, including one of her laughing at a guy after checking out his genitals.
Jul 13 2006Kevin Federline makes more money than you
In Touch Weekly reports Kevin Federline is trying to pull in some extra cash by charging $20,000 to appear at events. Additionally, Federline has reportedly made $700,000 in the last four months: $250,000 for endorsing Blue Marlin clothing, $25,000 per day to promote Virgin Mobile cell phones, and negotiating to sign a deal with Jive Records for $300,000 per album.
Who are the people that are paying this guy to show up to their events? Maybe the launch party for Hobo Living Weekly? Or the annual conference for White People Who Think They're Black? If you really want Kevin Federline to show up to your event you can save a little money and just take a crap in the middle of the floor. Then introduce the pile of warm feces as Kevin Federline and your guests will never know the difference. They might even comment he's looking more cleaned up than usual.
Jul 13 2006Paris Hilton is a total liar
Paris Hilton says she's giving up sex for a year in order to help rediscover herself. She told hosts Regis and Kelly:
"I'm doing it just because I want to. I feel I'm becoming stronger as a person. Every time I have a boyfriend, I'm just so romantic, and I'll put all my energy into the guy, and I don't really pay attention to myself. One-night stands are not for me. I think it's gross when you just give it up. Guys want you more if you don't just hand it to them on a platter. If they want you, then they will wait. You have to make them work for it. I think that's the only way you know if they really want you or just want to be able to brag that they've been with you."
Paris Hilton giving up sex for a year is like Lindsay Lohan giving up bikinis. Or Britney Spears giving up taping her baby to the trunk of her car. It sounds good on paper but everybody knows it's not gonna happen. Having sex is Paris Hilton. Can you say to a rainbow "Hey, stop being a rainbow for a second"? No! Such is Paris Hilton.
NOTE: If you get the reference you win a million bucks. Deer, that is. You can collect in the nearest forest.
Jul 12 2006Jessica Simpson has a birthday beach party
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Jessica Simpson celebrated her 26th birthday in Cabo San Lucas on Monday with her parents and some close friends, including her hairstylist Ken Paves and former assistant CaCee Cobb. The celebration included Sangria and Mexican food, and apparently a photoshoot for Jessica featuring her embarrassed about her stomach and no actual photographer. The statement makes more sense once you've seen the rest of the pictures after the jump, featuring her posing for no particular reason and even getting her hair touched up.
Jul 12 2006Katie Holmes says Suri is doing great
Katie Holmes - who has almost never been seen since giving birth to Suri back in April - was spotted on vacation in Telluride, Colorado doing some shopping with one of her friends. Baby Suri was nowhere to be seen but before getting into the passenger seat of her Hummer H3 and heading home she told Us Weekly: “Suri’s doing great! She’s back at the house.” Additionally, a few Telluride locals have reported seeing Suri including a clerk at a natural-goods store who said Suri is "funny looking."
The timing is so perfect for this. Like the Cruise household started reading about how everybody questions if the baby actually exists so they sent Katie Holmes out on a little mission to convince everybody the baby is doing okay. And is real. And isn't just a Mr. Potato Head they're pushing around in a baby carriage.
Jul 12 2006Lindsay Lohan might be making porn
Lindsay Lohan was photographed on a movie set doing whatever it is you see her doing in the picture above. Considering the majority of her work has come out of Disney it's not surprising she's suddenly decided to take on some more adult roles. If you wanna be taken seriously in this business the first step is pretending to give oral sex on screen. Although I don't actually see a camera so maybe she's not pretending. Or maybe my first instincts were right and she really is making a porno. The worst porno of all time. Where everybody keeps their clothes on. And looks super bored.
More of Lindsay Lohan being inappropriate on set after the jump.
Jul 12 2006Christina Aguilera wears see through tops
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Christina Aguilera was spotted leaving the Ivy with her signature red lipstick and a see through top showing off her red bra. Although it seems like any candid photo of her from the past three years features her in a see through top. I'm not even sure if she owns opaque clothing. And why would she? She's a woman, not a nun. Follow her example, ladies. It's the fashion of the future.
More of Christina Aguilera showing off her see through clothes after the jump.
Jul 11 2006Keira Knightley doesn't wear shoes
In what I'm assuming was an homage to Britney Spears, Keira Knightley was spotted walking barefoot in London, probably hoping she'd share Spears' good luck and accidentally step on a hypodermic needle. I'm all for looking poor, but even dirty hobos wear shoes. I guess it'd be unrealistic to expect celebrities to have as much sense as some guy who lives in a cardboard box and screams obscenities at children and fire hydrants.
Jul 11 2006Jackie Chan is a belligerent drunk
A drunk Jackie Chan disrupted a concert by Taiwanese singer Jonathan Lee in Hong Kong when he reportedly jumped on stage and demanded a duet, then tried conducting the band but kept stopping and restarting the music. The audience started heckling him after the disruption dragged on and he allegedly responded with insults, also admitting on stage he was drunk.
You'd think a drunk Jackie Chan would be a little more exciting than this. Like doing backflips off walls and jump kicking people to the face. Usually in situations like that I let me fists do the talking. Those terrorists aren't going to beat themselves up.
Thanks to the foxy Betsy for the tip, and for closely monitoring the life of Jackie Chan.
*Anybody who disagrees with Jackie Chan is automatically a terrorist. That's a fact.
Jul 11 2006David Hasselhoff "Secret Agent Man" music video
Time for your daily dose of the Hoff. The things this man does with his face are epic.
Jul 11 2006Eva Longoria really really needs her makeup
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Just in case you never believed in the power of makeup, this is what Eva Longoria looks like without it. So the next time you've got your pants down masturbating to pictures of her in a bikini keep this picture in mind. Because apparently she's a gnome. And that turns you on.
Jul 11 2006Lindsay Lohan has acne problems
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Lindsay Lohan has signed on to become the latest spokesperson for Proactiv Solution, joining Jessica Simpson and Kelly Clarkson as one of thoes people you see on late night infomercials talking about their horrible skin problems. The deal is reportedly worth $2 million, which is totally worth the embarrassment of admitting to the world you have an acne problem. For $2 million I'd promote pretty much anything you've got. Explosive diarrhea medicine? I'm your man. Two sets of genitals medicine? That's kind of weird, but sure, why not. I have no standards.
Jul 10 2006Suri Cruise birth certificate
TMZ has obtained a copy of Suri Cruise's birth certificate which wasn't filed with the Los Angeles County Clerk until May 8th even though Suri was born on April 18. They also point out some interesting notes about the certificate, like that the "Attendant or Certifier" wasn't in the room during the delivery and never saw the baby, although she was authorized to sign because the doctor wasn't available. Additionally, St. John's Hospital filed the certificate 20 days after the birth as opposed to their usual policy of doing it within 10 days because they needed a signature from the parents or their representative and nobody came in until May 4th. The person who eventually signed was labeled "friend" and the reason they finally came in was because Suri needed a passport and a birth certificate is a prerequisite for one.
I've got a birth certificate for Mickey Mouse I threw together in Photoshop but I'm pretty sure that doesn't prove he exists. There's something very fishy going on with this child and it's up to me and my group of rambunctious sidekicks to figure out what.
Jul 10 2006Lindsay Lohan needs more bikinis
Lindsay Lohan was spotted in another new bikini with her boyfriend, who is apparently the strongest man in the world. It's hard to tell but it looks like the guy is curling her with one arm. Which is the same approach I go for when impressing the ladies, only sometimes I mix it up with ripping a telephone book in half or bending a wrench into a pretzel.
More of Lindsay Lohan and her new green bikini after the jump.
Jul 10 2006David Hasselhoff "Jump In My Car" music video
I think my brain just exploded.
Jul 10 2006James Marsden gets special treatment
Page Six reports James Marsden went to go see Superman Returns at the Sony IMAX on West 68th Street but when he showed up he was told the movie was sold out. He reportedly yelled out: "But I'm in the movie!" and a manager who recognized him escorted him into the theater where he had to watch the rest of a showing standing in the back.
Although if I know James Marsden - and I don't but I tell women at bars I do - he probably picked up some kids and threw them out the back into some trash so he could have the best seats in the theater. Why into some trash, you ask? Because what's the point of throwing a kid if it's not into some trash? Just do the math.
Jul 10 2006Suri Cruise is a Scientologist
People are speculating that nobody's seen Suri Cruise yet because she's being raised super Scientologist-like. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are suppowedly following the teachings of L.Ron Hubbard who advised against exposing young children to noise. The Scoop reports:
“A negative experience coupled with noise can create what Scientologists call an engram - which leads to recurring negative reactions. That might include paparazzi, newspeople, or a clamorous crowd. The only way to remove engrams, Scientologists believe, is through the process they call auditing. When a Scientologist talks about ‘reaching clear’ - they’re talking about clearing engrams from your mind. Tom Cruise’s efforts to create a quiet cocoon around his daughter might be a precaution against engrams.”
Tom Cruise was also supposedly acting really weird while doing his publicity tour for MI:3.
“While on his worldwide promotion of ‘Mission Impossible III,’ I am told, his behavior was, in a word, paranoid. He was obsessed about the purity of the air and at one point, he was convinced he was being followed and insisted on taking longer routes to places. He was also quite concerned about whether locks worked and had them checked. Scientologists are not only afraid of creating engrams, they’re also afraid of the effects of those around them who they call Suppressive Persons or SPs. It’s possible that Tom Cruise is being overcome by his Scientology training and that’s leading to a paranoid world view that is being reflected in his behavior with baby Suri.”
It's understandable if you didn't bother to read all that so let me summarize: Tom Cruise is out of his goddamned mind. This is the kind of shit that happens to your brain when you decide to stop taking medicine and start eating placenta. It's a wonder he hasn't already moved his family into the woods and forced them to wear tinfoil hats on their heads. Which actually isn't a bad idea. How else are you supposed to keep the aliens out of your brain?
Victoria Beckham recently got a new Hebrew tattoo which means: "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine." If you're anything like me you're probably asking yourself where the tattoo is. "I don't see it. Is it on her butt? Is it under her shorts? What's the deal?" I can't stop staring at the shorts either so I really wouldn't know. Maybe it's on her ankle or something. Left ear?
EDIT: I changed the image so now everything I wrote doesn't make any sense. The original picture was an entire body shot of Victoria in really short shorts. But you probably figured that out on your own. You're a smart cat.
