Jul 7 2006Pamela Anderson takes her bikini to Monaco
Summer's just getting started so if you're already sick of seeing celebrities in bikinis this might not be your favorite place to be right now. Same goes if you're not a fan of humongous breasts and seeing a woman scar her children for the rest of their lives by parading around in a bikini even Lindsay Lohan wouldn't wear. This would've been appropriate 10 years ago - as would running slow motion across the beach and appearing naked in my shower - but now it's more curious than it is sexy.
More of Pamela Anderson in her bikini after the jump.
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Jul 7 2006Nicky Hilton starts her own hotel
Nicky HIlton is planning on rennovating some buildings and opening up her own set of hotels called "Nicky O" in November. She says she'll be doing it all herself and isn't going to partner with her Hilton family for help. Which is too bad, because I'd really be curious as to what a Paris Hilton inspired hotel would look like. I picture what you'd get if you took a zoo and combined it with a brothel. Only not as classy.
Jul 7 2006Pink shows Venice, California her underwear
IMAGE REMOVED
It's socially acceptable to go out in your pajamas, but usually if you're in college or it's late at night. I'd let something like this slide if we were talking about Alessandra Ambrosio or Jessica Alba or anybody else that could pull off being a woman, but Pink? I'm barely okay with her being seen in public with her regular clothes on, let alone riding around in a sports bra.
Jul 7 2006Kate Moss makes a lot of money
Who knew that getting caught snorting cocaine could be good for your career? Besides the guy who lives in the alley behind my apartment shivering violently, Kate Moss that's who. Although she was initially dropped by H&M, she's since gone on to make deals with Burberry, Calvin Klein, Rimmel, Nikon, Roberto Cavalli and Virgin Mobile. She was reportedly making about $7 million a year before the cocaine incident but she's expected to pull in about $18 million this year.
Has anybody seen those Nikon commercials? Kate Moss looks like she's 80 years old and her skin was crafted using the finest of wrinkled leathers. I'm not saying she should consider Botox, but it wouldn't be the worst thing if she tripped and the area around her eye accidentally fell on a syringe filled with the stuff.
Jul 6 2006Michelle Rodriguez licks her armpit hair
I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for why Michelle Rodriguez would want to show off her armpit hair and then lick it. Unfortunately, I don't speak crazy so whatever explanation she gave would be lost on me anyway. I suppose if people already mistake you for a lesbian sasquatch you might as well take it all the way and see if you can get society to officially change your status from 'human being' to 'cave woman.' Maybe they can print it on her driver's license or something.
More of Michelle Rodriguez showing off her armpit hair after the jump, although I wouldn't recommend it. Thanks to Joanne for the pics, and for reminding me I have a gag reflex.
Jul 6 2006David Hasselhoff gets kicked out of Wimbledon
David Hasselhoff was repotedly kicked out of Wimbledon because he was too drunk, forcing a guard to walk him off the tournament grounds after he repeatedly got in arguments with the security staff.
First, the 53-year-old actor had a blazing row outside Centre Court. Guards would not let him in because he did not have a valid ticket. Then he was banned from press and players’ bars as he tried to get another drink. Hasselhoff, who has fought a long battle with booze, yelled at staff: “You should let me in. Do you know who I am? I’m The Hoff.” Hasselhoff then downed beer after beer and was later seen staggering... Security chiefs ordered Hoff out. One guard said: “He was steaming drunk.”
If I was David Hasslehoff I'd be asking every single person I ran into if they knew who I was, and then I'd follow it up with "I'm The Hoff" and then punch them in the stomach and continue on my way. When you're David Hasselhoff you get to do shit like that. It's in the manual, right after step 1 of being The Hoff: maintain 80's perm throughout all stages of life.
Thanks to Jake for the tip, and for trying - but failing - to be as manly as The Hoff.
Jul 6 2006Paris Hilton "Stars Are Blind" music video (version 2)
I'm not sure what the purpose of releasing a second music video is, but here it is anyway. I'm not familiar enough with the original to tell you what the difference is, but you can be rest assured they kept in all the making out goodness. Making out on the beach, making out in the jungle, making out on a tree; best as I can tell, the only difference in this version is the addition of a new making out scene where they make out at a photoshoot. Which really doesn't call for a whole new music video. By the time this thing is officially released it'll be version 73, and will just comprise of short 3 second clips of Paris Hilton making out in different locations around the world.
Jul 6 2006Kristin Cavallari also does the bikini thing
Sometimes I forget why I spend half the day writing love letters to the sun, and then summer rolls around and everybody starts showing up in bikinis and it all comes flooding back to me. Here's Kristin Cavallari doing her best Linday Lohan impression with who I can only assume is her mom. Or her really creepy older friend. Or the woman Kristin Cavallari stands next to when she wants to pretend she's a celebrity. Although I usually don't pose with my mom like I'm about to get drunk and make out with her later in the hotel room.
More of Kristin Cavallari in her bikini after the jump.
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Jul 6 2006Suri Cruise still doesn't exist
It's been three months since Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' gave birth to Suri and she still hasn't been seen, even by their closest friends. A source tells Us Weekly Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have yet to show her to fellow Scientologists John Travolta, Kelly Preston and Lisa Marie Presley. Even their good friends Will and Jada Pinkett Smith haven't met her, despite repeated calls to Cruise.
“Every time, it’s a different excuse: He’s busy or Kate’s not feeling well,” says a source. ‘[The Smiths] think it’s so weird.”
I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for why society as a whole still believes this baby exists, but it's becoming more and more apparent we've all been the victim of a huge scam. The purpose of which has yet to be determined, but I figure it's all leading up to Tom Cruise appearing on a late night infomercial and telling me how I can make big bucks from home. And all he needs is my credit card!
Jul 6 2006Kathy Griffin married a thief
In an interview with Larry King, Kathy Griffin says she split from her ex-husband after finding out he'd been stealing her ATM cards while she was sleeping and withdrawing money from her bank account. She says:
"My ex-husband, without my knowledge, was sneaking into my wallet when I was asleep in the mornings and taking my ATM cards from my private accounts and withdrawing money. That money totalled $72,000."
I don't know what's more shocking. The fact that Kathy Griffin didn't notice she was missing $72,000 or the fact that Kathy Griffin actually had $72,000. I guess before she hit it big with the D-List stuff she must've been supplementing her income with rodeo clown work. You'd be surprised how easy it is to find work in the clown field when you look like Kath Griffin. It's right up there with 'fake wax figure' and 'model for plastic surgery gone wrong.'
Jul 6 2006Lindsay Lohan still doing the bikini thing
I'd give an explanation for these photos, but I figure Lindsay Lohan in a bikini sort of speaks for itself. It's like art, only instead of standing around making snide comments about what the artist was trying to accomplish you get to see Lindsay Lohan's newly developed bosom in a leapord print bikini. Which is actually nothing like art at all. Unless they've changed the meaning of "art" to "stuff you can use to masturbate to."
One more of Lindsay Lohan bending over after the jump.
Continue Reading "Lindsay Lohan still doing the bikini thing"
Jul 6 2006Pamela Anderson shows St. Tropez her goods
If there's one thing Pamela Anderson has going for her it's that she knows her boobs are fake and she's proud of it. Any chance she gets she'll throw them in your face and remind you she's still that girl with the giant fake knockers. It almost makes it bearable that she's one of those crazy animal people. Because if your idea of clothing is whatever it is she's wearing, then feel free to yell at me as much you want. Fur? Bad? Whatever. It's hard to pay attention when your idea of a shirt is a giant hole for your bra.
More of Pamela Anderson wearing the best dress ever after the jump.
Continue Reading "Pamela Anderson shows St. Tropez her goods"
Jul 6 2006Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are engaged
Life & Style is reporting that Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are engaged after Vaughn proposed during their recent trip to Paris to promote The Break-Up. Jennifer has allegedly invited Brad Pitt's mom to the wedding and Vaughn is trying to get in shape for the big day, with Aniston telling a friend: "He's started the Zone diet, and he's working out. He looks great." Aniston is reportedly waiting for the heat over Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby to die down before trading vows, although an insider insists Aniston is getting serious about her wedding plans, saying: "Jen's already asked Courteney Cox to be her matron of honor."
The source is Life & Style so I wouldn't take the news too seriously. When you make up half your stories it's pretty easy to forget when you're telling the truth. Just the other day I paid a homeless guy $20 to tell me Vin Diesel lost his virginity to a mop. And now I can write with confidence that a source exclusively revealed to me that Vin Diesel lost his virginity to a mop. Bad reporting? Or the shocking truth!
Jul 5 2006Lindsay Lohan does the beach thing
Lindsay Lohan turned 20 on Sunday, which has nothing to do with anything, but I figured it was somehow relevant to these shots of her spending the Fourth of July at Malibu beach. Even more relevant, however, is her interview with Glamour in which she says she's finally gotten her boobs back and she's thrilled about it.
"Skinny's not attractive. I've learnt that." Peering inside her vest she added: "I like having my breasts in there - naturally, I add! The papers said I had implants, then when I was really flat-chested they said I was anorexic and had had them taken out. Truth is I have got my boobs back because I've got healthier again and I'm so happy."
I'm not a professional doctor - so I should probably stop performing surgeries - but it seems medically impossible for Lindsay Lohan's breasts to fluctuate in size so drastically with her minor weight changes. She looks like she's put on 15 lbs, but her breasts look like they've gained 30. Which is great and all, but last I checked this was Earth, and not Super Happy Magical Fantasy Land.
Jul 5 2006Keira Knightley isn't anorexic
Keira Knightley admitted yesterday she comes from a family of anorexics, although denied suffering from the eating disorder herself after being questioned at the premiere of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. She says:
"I've got a lot of experience with anorexia - my grandmother and great-grandmother suffered from it, and I had a lot of friends at school who suffered from it. I know it's not something to be taken lightly and I don't. (The press) said to me yesterday 'How does it feel to be called anorexic?' and I had no idea that I was. I'm not saying there aren't people in the film industry that suffer from it, because I am sure that there are. But I'm quite sure I don't have it."
Keira Knightley saying she's not anorexic is like Rosie O'Donnell saying she's big boned. Or Paris Hilton saying she's talented. Or Gary Coleman saying he's happy. True? Possibly. Not true? Totally 100% definitely.
Jul 5 2006Lil' Kim back on the streets
Lil' Kim was released from prison on Monday after serving 10 months for lying in court about a radio station shootout. She's set to remain under house arrest for another 30 days and will be on supervised probation for the next three years. And then after that I guess she can go back to doing whatever it is she does. Which, if she's anything like me, means dressing up like a ninja and karate kicking people in the neck for refusing to acknowledge that Chuck Norris is their God.
Jul 3 2006The Superficial celebrates its independence
I've got some extended Fourth of July plans so there probably won't be any new posts until Wednesday. If Paris Hilton adopts a baby or Britney Spears accidentally runs over Sean Preston with a lawn mower I'll try to cover it, but odds are I'll be too drunk to even remember what a Sean Preston is. And I couldn't decide between putting up a picture of fireworks or the American flag so I just went with a shot of New York being blown up by a giant space ship.
