Jun 30 2006Pamela Anderson wears the clothes of the future
Pamela Anderson was spotted leaving the Claridges Hotel in London wearing what can only be described as a bathrobe dress. It looks like a bathrobe. But it's a dress. Sort of like her cantaloupe breasts, which look like cantaloupes but are breasts. Although I've never seen them in real life so for all I know they really are cantaloupes. They're doing amazing things with science these days, so why not fuse the power of a woman with the power of fruit?
More of Pamela in her bathrobe dress after the jump.
Continue Reading "Pamela Anderson wears the clothes of the future"
Jun 30 2006Brooke Shields might be evil
Brooke Shields has never been attractive, but she's also never looked like she kidnaps babies to boil in stews. Well that's all changed now that she's given up on acting and had decided to go into a life of witchcraft. The spells are great and you get to cackle like a mad woman, but I don't know if it's worth selling your soul to the devil and having to wear pointy hats all the time. Plus they gotta ride around on broomsticks. Just buy a car already.
One more of Brooke looking suspiciously sinister after the jump.
Jun 30 2006Rob Schneider and David Hasselhoff have weak bodies
Here's a one-two punch featuring Rob Schneider and David Hasselhoff all in single post. It's like a dream come true. Rob Schneider was taken to the hospital yesterday after collapsing on the set of his new movie due to a combination of food poisoning and heat exhaustion. And David Hasselhoff was taken to the hospital to receive surgery after bumping his head on a chandelier while shaving in his hotel's gym bathroom which sent shards of glass and chrome into his right arm, severing a tendon.
So there you have it. Two people you don't care about were taken to the hospital yesterday but are doing just fine now. So you can stop your prayers and get back to whatever it is you do during the day. Which, if you're anything like me, is taking dumps in your boss's office.
Jun 30 2006Victoria Beckham can't afford a new shirt
Victoria Beckham was spotted shopping in London with her bra hanging out. I wonder what it's like being so poor you can't afford a decent shirt that fits. I guess not everybody can be a billionaire playboy like me, driving around in limos and throwing priceless paintings at homeless people. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get my tuxedo cleaned and my monocle polished. And I need to buy a new top hat. I threw my last one away because it didn't look expensive enough.
EDIT: Images removed. Check 'em out here.
Jun 30 2006Nicolas Cage has a big heart wallet
Nicolas Cage has donated $2 million to Amnesty International to establish a fund that helps former child soldiers who were forced into combat. It's hard to say anything mean about somebody giving away $2 million so I won't. Although if I had $2 million I'd donate it to charity too. Or at least buy myself a Ferrari. That's sort of like donating it, right? To the Ferrari dealership?
Jun 30 2006Eva Longoria crashes honeymoons
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Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban flew to Tahiti on Monday to get away from paparazzi for their honeymoon, but when they got there they found Eva Longoria and Tony Parker staying at the same resort. Their plane landed just minutes after Nicole's and they're staying just a few meters down the boardwalk at the St. Regis resort in Bora Bora.
If there's any way to ruin a honeymoon it's to share it with Eva Longoria. Not only will your husband be staring at her the entire time, she's also a freak in bed. Which means you'll have to try to make love to your husband with Eva screaming like a monkey in the background and saying things like, "The butter! Use the butter! Where's the Dong Master 3000? Dip it in the butter! It's time for the donkey. Get the donkey out of the bathroom. I need the donkey!"
NOTE: I don't know what a Dong Master 3000 is. I don't even know if it exists. I just made it up, so please don't try to look it up you sick sick pervert.
Jun 29 2006Paris Hilton thinks airplanes are traveling circuses
In a story I'm pretty sure is made up, Paris Hilton was forced to drive from Las Vegas to Los Angeles when airline officials told her she couldn't bring her six pets onto the plane. She says:
"I bought, like, a monkey, a tiger and some ferrets. I tried to bring them on a commercial flight and they wouldn't let me fly with all the animals. They said it wasn't a travelling circus. So I had to drive all the way home from Vegas in the limo with all these animals, there was like six. It was a lot."
The story is believable up until her quote. I know Paris is stupid, but she's not so ridiculously stupid that she's turned into a caricature of herself. This is like the script for an SNL skit that was mistakenly turned into a fake press release. And nobody says "commercial flight." They just say "flight." What other kinds of flights are there? And who are the people that are talking about them?
EDIT: Fine, there are private flights. That still doesn't explain how Paris Hilton could possibly own a tiger and expect to bring it onto a plane. Unless the scientists have finally done it and replaced her brain with a toaster oven.
*EDIT: Mother of God, the story is true. Reader Christine confirms the quote is from a BBC Radio 1 interview with Scott Mills. So every terirble thing you've ever thought about Paris Hilton think it again. Think it again real hard.
Jun 29 2006Star Jones and Barbara Walters hate each other
I try not to follow what's going on with Star Jones and Barbara Walters but their fighting has reached a point where it's no longer posisble to ignore. After Star announced she'd be leaving The View in July and told magazines she felt like she'd been fired, Barbara Walters responded by saying she felt "betrayed" by Star's comments. Now Star is calling Barbara a hypocrite, saying in a statement last night: "For Barbara to say she felt betrayed is the height of hypocrisy. I thought the audience deserved to have their Star tell them what the deal is. To now be accused of betrayal by someone I looked at as a mentor, when I was finally speaking up for myself instead of letting the executives and tabloids speak for me, is disheartening."
After Reynolds announced on the air Tuesday that she would leave the show in July, ABC asked her not to come back at all. When the show resumed on Wednesday, Walters, the show's creator, said: "We didn't expect her to make this statement yesterday. She gave us no warning." Walters went on to say, "It is becoming uncomfortable for us to pretend that everything is the same at this table. And therefore, regrettably, Star will no longer be on this program."
I'd recommend my usual solution to bickering women but I don't think a naked pillow fight in my bedroom would be appropriate here. Or anywhere else where vision is still available.
Jun 29 2006Pamela Anderson bares skin to fight skin
Pamela Anderson participated in a protest against fur yesterday by stripping down in the window of Stella McCartney's London boutique and hiding with other protestors behind a banner that read: "We'd rather bare skin than wear skin." I hope everybody can follow Pamela's example and protest their causes with nudity. It's hard for me to run a sweat shop when I'm distracted by a pair of boobies. Same goes with my attempts to end women's suffrage and absolute love of wearing freshly skinned animal fur. So protest me, ladies. Protest me all night long.
More of Pamela protesting skin with skin after the jump.
Jun 29 2006Britney Spears poses nude in Bazaar
The six-month pregnant Britney Spears will appear nude - but covered up - in the August issue of Harper's Bazaar, similar to the 1991 Vanity Fair issue featuring a naked and pregnant Demi Moore on the cover.
This should be a relief to any women out there who didn't believe in the power of Photoshop. We know what Britney Spears looks like. Everybody knows what Britney Spears looks like. And this isn't what Britney Spears looks like. Either they pulled her face off some old photos or had to throw together a supercomputer to handle the processing necessary to make her look this good. They've got supercomputers that play professional level chess now, so I'm sure they've got one capable of making Britney Spears look half decent. Although the first three they tried probably exploded when given the task.
Jun 28 2006Nicole Richie has some In-N-Out
Nicole Richie was spotted holding a cup from In-N-Out, although no actual food was present so it's still unclear if she actually had any. And I'm not sure what's going on with her posture. She's either doing her best Christina Aguilera impression or she's turned into an 80-year-old grandma. Being skinny is one thing, looking like you'd collapse under the weight of a hat is another.
More of Nicole after the jump, including a shot of her getting it back on with DJ AM.
Jun 28 2006Michael Jackson is leaving town
Michael Jackson announced in a statement yesterday that he's fired his business managers and has hired a new firm to take care of his financial affairs as he plans to move to Europe to relaunch his music career. Which is probably what I'd do if I looked like Brian Peppers and was accused of molesting children. Oh wait, Europe? I thought I typed 'suicide'.
Jun 28 2006Spider-Man 3 teaser trailer
If you haven't already seen the teaser trailer for Spider-Man 3, it would behoove you to check it out. Did I use that right? Behoove? I hear them throwing the word around at those fancy English parties I attend and I thought I'd give it a try here. Next week I plan on working in the word 'hodgepodge'.
Jun 28 2006Lindsay Lohan at Social Hollywood's grand opening
I'm pretty sure I should call up Lindsay Lohan's publicist and find out if the rumors are true she's turning into a clown whore. Because I'm pretty sure she's turning into a clown whore. Or maybe just a clown. Either way, things aren't looking good for my penis.
More of Lindsay looking really good after the jump.
EDIT: I've got nothing new to add here, I just like seeing this picture at the top of the page. What's the point of running a website if you can't occasionally scare the bejesus out of people with candid pictures of Lindsay Lohan.
*EDIT: Okay I've had my fun. I'm moving this post back to it's original position.
Continue Reading "Lindsay Lohan at Social Hollywood's grand opening"
Jun 28 2006Paris Hilton plays a prank on the Hilton
Paris Hilton agreed to a radio show prank by calling up the Glasgow Hilton to reserve a room and see if she could get a discounted rate.
During the call, Paris was asked by reservations clerk Kevin whether she had a corporate rate at the hotel. She was offered a standard queen room for £170 but asked if she could have a discount. The sexy star was told by the employee: "There is no discount I can initiate, I’m afraid." When she said: "Yes you can", he replied: "That is the cheapest rate I have available to me." Paris then informed the clerk that she will get her manager to call back. Real Radio breakfast show host Robin Galloway said: "I didn’t think Paris would be up for doing the wind-up, but she was a great sport and even thought the guy in reservations at the hotel was way too serious. "She was a lovely girl and really opened up to us."
This doesn't really sound like a prank to me. Mostly because it's not funny and doesn't make a whole lot of sense. A real prank would be having the guy fired and then using her money to sell his wife into slavery. Although that's not really a prank either, and more like a crime against humanity. Sort of like Paris' singing. Zing!
Jun 28 2006Ashlee Simpson turns down Playboy
Ashlee Simpson has turned down a $4 million offer to pose nude in Playboy, although she allegedly seriously considered the offer. Her publicist confirmed she had received and turned down the offer, although sources close to her insist she should've done it, telling In Touch Weekly: "This may be the perfect time for her to do it. It could be one way for her to separate her image from Jessica's."
Sure, posing in Playboy would separate her image from Jessica, but so would becoming a prostitute or having a sex change. Or doing it with a donkey. She's already considered the untalented sister, so why not go all the way and also be known as the sister who does it with donkeys.
Jun 27 2006Eva Longoria hits the pool
"How's my ass look? Like cottage cheese? Give me a thumbs up if it looks like cottage cheese. Perfect"
More of Eva at the pool after the jump.
Jun 27 2006Axl Rose is a cannibal
Axl Rose was released from jail today after paying a $5,500 fine for allegedly biting a security guard in the leg.outside his hotel in Sweden. I'd expand on that, but where else is there to go? He handled himself pretty well when Tommy Hilfiger lost it and started wailing on him in a club last month so I'm assuming sometime between then and now he caught rabies. That's what happens when you live in a dumpster with wild dogs. Who knew that you have to be employed to afford decent shelter?
Jun 27 2006Star Jones gets fired
Despite previous denials, Star Jones Reynolds announced this morning on The View that she'd be leaving the show in July after nine seasons.
"Something's been on my heart for a little bit, and after much prayer and counsel I feel like this is the right time to tell you that the show is moving in another direction for its tenth season and I will not be returning as cohost next year."
There were rumors she was going to leave because she was unhappy they were bringing Rosie O'Donnell onto the show, but Star tells People that isnt' true. They actually told her her contract wouldn't be renewed before it was leaked they had brought on Rosie, and Star says: "I feel like I was fired." You know why you feel like you were fired? Because you were fired. I've never seen The View but I can already tell Star Jones was annoying. Besides, wasn't she always trying to eat the guests and the furniture and anything else that entered her "chomp zone"?
Jun 27 2006Lindsay Lohan isn't nice to her stylist
Last week Lindsay Lohan flew out fashion stylist Nate Newell from LA to keep her company in New York while she promoted A Prarie Home Companion, but after three days of dealing with her he had some friends chip in so he could afford a plane ticket home.
"Lindsay flew Nate out and said it would only be for a couple days," our source said. "She flew him out, put him up, paid for everything, and they had the best time . . . at first. But then Lindsay decided to stay. Nate couldn't take her constant partying. He didn't have the money to fly home, so concerned friends chipped in to buy him an immediate ticket out of there." Lohan was said to be so upset to have been ditched that she text-messaged some friends: "[Newell] is dead to me." She was also saying that Newell owes her for his portion of the hotel room, plane ticket and other expenses. Lohan's tireless publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, balked at any suggestion that Lohan's hard partying caused a rift. "Please," said Zelnick. "Nate came to accompany her to New York on her press tour. He had a great time . . . He had to get back to Los Angeles for work. He had a video shoot. But they are fine. There was no drama whatsoever."
Lindsay Lohan's publicist always sounds so annoyed. "What are you talking about? Lindsay didn't do that. That's not true. You're a stupid idiot. Don't you even have a brain?" Although I've been meaning to call her up and ask if it's true she's a mutant turtle. And a teenager. And was raised in the sewers by a giant rat named Splinter. Because that's what I heard on TV. It might have been a cartoon.
Jun 27 2006Kate Beckinsale is a good wife
Helping her husband change into his pants or performing a little midday maintenance? If what I believe about Kate Beckinsale is true then it's the latter. Although if what I belive about Kate Beckinsale is true then she also spends 80% of her time walking around in lingerie, 20% of her time in the kitchen, and 100% of her time in the bedroom. Wait, that doesn't make sense. 200% of her time in the bedroom.
UPDATE: Took down the images at the request of Splash. You can still check them out at their official site.
Jun 27 2006Naomi Campbell beats up another maid
Just when things were starting to cool off over the cell phone incident, Naomi Campbell is now being accused of hitting another of her maids for the exact same reason as last time: she couldn't find a pair of jeans.
In a terse single-sheet filing in Manhattan's state Supreme Court, Gaby Gibson accused Campbell of "personal injuries," "employment discrimination," "civil assault," "civil battery" and other complaints. Gibson, who filed the lawsuit on Monday, the eve of a Manhattan Criminal Court appearance by Campbell on charges of assaulting another maid, asks for "actual, compensatory and punitive" damages without specifying an amount. The court document does not detail acts by Campbell, but in a published interview in April, Gibson said the catwalker hit her on Jan. 17, called her names and threatened to have her arrested. Gibson told the New York Post that Campbell got upset after being unable to find a specific pair of jeans.
This is basically the exact same claim as the other maid only without the jewel-encrusted Sidekick being thrown at the head. I don't doubt that Naomi is physically abusing every single person that comes within a 3 ft radius of her - because she is - but this is getting ridiculous. By now any of her maids could just claim the same thing and the courts would just sigh and award them the win. Even her accountant could probably pull it off. Or the guy that pumps her gas.
Jun 27 2006Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie lose baby photos
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are pissed because somebody has stolen a digital memory card with pictures from their private baby shower for Shiloh. Their lawyers have sent out letters threatening anybody who publishes the pictures, saying:
"Anyone who publishes, disseminates, displays or otherwise exploits" the pictures faces "legal action ... seeking compensatory and punitive damages, statutory damages for copyright violations and attorneys' fees," says the letter signed by Yael Holtkamp of the top celebrity firm Lavely & Singer. The letter says police are investigating the theft and that any outlet that buys the photos "will be engaged in purchasing stolen property," which is a crime. A spokesman for the Los Angeles Police Department said he did not know which law enforcement agency was probing the theft because it was unclear where and when the memory card was snatched.
It'd be pretty funny if a week from now Angelina Jolie was doing the laundry and found the memory card mixed in with her old clothes. Like one of those old guys who have their glasses on their head and start scouring the house looking for them, eventually beating their wife after concluding she must have hid them again. And after a good wife beating they maybe wander down the neighborhood in their underwear and start screaming at young people for haivng their rock and roll music.
Jun 26 2006James Blunt is ruining Petra Nemcova
People often ask me why I don't associate with ugly people. I usually respond by kicking them in the face for being ugly and trying to talk to me, but what I'm really trying to tell them is that ugliness is contagious. Just look at these pictures of James Blunt and Petra Nemcova at Boujis Nighclub in London. She's still very clearly out of his league, but her face looks like she just had her wisdom teeth removed. And I'm not entirely sure what's happening with James Blunt. I think he's making fun of the mentally handicapped. Or he is mentally handicapped. Or maybe it's a seizure. Either way he should seriously consider having surgery and getting his face removed.
One more of James and Petra after the jump.
Jun 26 2006Jessica Biel gets in shape
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Looks like Jessica Biel has started reading the Kate Beckinsale Guide to Working Out in Bushes. Can't these people afford real gyms with facilities and buildings and roofs? They both look great so maybe Kate Beckinsale's bush workout really gives the muscles a good pounding, but it just seems a little ghetto for somebody who pulls in seven figures a year. I'm talking about Kate not Jessica. For all I know Jessica Biel is unemployed and collecting welfare. I think I might've seen her working at Costco.
Jun 26 2006Kevin Richardson leaves the Backstreet Boys
Kevin Richardson announced on the official Backstreet Boys site that he's leaving the Backstreet Boys to pursue other interests, saying:
“After 13 years of what can only be described as a dream come true, I have decided that it is time to leave the Backstreet Boys. It was a very tough decision for me but one that was necessary in order to move on with the next chapter of my life. Howard, Brian, Alex and Nick will always be my little brothers and have my utmost love and support. I would like to thank the Backstreet fans for all the beautiful memories we have shared together and look forward to including you in the next phase of my life. I wish my brothers continued success and look forward to their new album.”
If any of you knew the Backstreet Boys were still together I want you to leave the site now and go play with a kodiak bear after rolling around in some steaks. Because I can't live in a world where the Backstreet Boys still have fans. And since there's no way I'm ending my own life the only other option is to end theirs. All eight of them.
Jun 26 2006Suri Cruise is worthless
There's a reason no pictures of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter have been revealed yet and it's because nobody is willing to pay enough money for them. A photoshoot of Suri was offered to WireImage but - unlike the Shiloh Jolie-Pitt picture which sold to People for $4 million - the highest bid was $3 million at which point the offer was rescinded.
There's one other explanation and it's that there never was any baby to begin with. Sure Katie Holmes got fat and went to a hospital, but nobody has seen the child yet so there's no proof it even exists. Unlike my huge wang, which is so massive its existence has threatened international security. Russian spy satellites can't figure out how to deal with it. Just like the women I bring home. They mostly just coo and swoon.
Jun 26 2006Paris Hilton ruins families
It's old news that Paris Hilton was spotted in Montreal partying with hockey player Jose Theodore, but it's now being reported that their relationsihp has caused Theodore's girlfriend of eight years to break up with him and kick him out of the house despite him being the father of their three-month-old daughter. The Canadian TV network TQS reports: “Stephanie Cloutier has kicked Theo out of her life and her house.”
This is some classic Paris Hilton action we've got going on. Anybody can meet strange guys at a club and give them their diseases, but only a professional like Paris can pinpoint the one who has a long time girlfriend and a child who was born prematurely. She's like Aquaman, only instead of having super powers she breaks up homes and leaves babies without fathers. Which is actually nothing like Aquaman at all. He talks to dolphins.
Jun 26 2006Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban get married
Guess who got married yesterday just after sunset in Sydney, Australia. I'll give you a hint: her name rhymes with Princess Consuela Banana Hammock. Wait, no it doesn't. This is why my poetry never gets published. That, and because I'm not a very gude spellur.
More shots of Nicole Kidman looking like a bride after the jump.
Continue Reading "Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban get married"
