Jun 23 2006Paris Hilton might be Britney Spears
I must've missed the memo, because clearly everybody in Hollywood has decided to go black. Pais Hilton attended the O2 Wireless Festival looking like a thin version of Britney Spears. Wait, did I say thin? I meant bug-like. Like a bug. She looks like a bug. You could stand next to her wearing a ladybug costume and people would wonder what the bug was doing standing next to a giant tomato.
NOTE: She doesn't really look like a bug, but I couldn't resist the giant sunglasses combined with her natural mantis-like form.
Jun 23 2006Britney Spears still has black hair
Here are some better shots of Britney Spears with her newly dyed black hair. Considering Kevin Federline also recently shaved his face it looks like these two clowns are getting ready to restart their lives with new identities. Or rob a bank. Or get a really early start on Halloween. And I've already made fun of one baby this week so I won't even comment on Sean Preston.
One more shot of Britney after the jump.
Jun 23 2006Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban do the prenup
Page Six reports Nicole Kidman had Keith Urban sign a prenup earlier this month to make sure her $150 million is safe in case things go sour after their wedding tomorrow. The papers give Keith just over $600,000 a year for every year they're together and there's an additional clause that allows her to leave the marriage without giving anything to Keith - an ex-cocaine addict - if he uses illegal narcotics or drinks excessively.
$600,000 is pretty weak considering Tom Cruise gave Katie Holmes $3 million a year in their prenup. I guess Nicole Kidman doesn't have anything to prove because she's not a short child-man like Tom Cruise. When you can't reach the kitchen sink without a stool it's not surprising you have to prove yourself by throwing your money around. That, and pretending you're a doctor so you can make fun of sick people and medicine.
Jun 23 2006Sienna Miller is my hero
Sienna Miller was spotted in Mahattan wearing an outfit she appeared to have put together using shoelaces and some spare cloth from around the house. And just to make the whole emsemble professional she even threw a hat on. I don't know if what she's got on qualifies as an outfit, but at least she'll be ready in case she ever finds herself in a situation where she needs to put on an impromptu striptease. Like last Thursday when a Japanese business man asked me to strip down so he could eat sushi off my naked body. Can you put a price on dignity? Yes you can. And it's $300.
Jun 23 2006Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz not broken up
Some random sources had reported that Justin Timberlake broke up with Cameron Diaz so he could be free during his overseas promotional tour of his new album, but it turns out it was all a bunch of nonsense.
"The couple are in fact very much together, as he prepares for the release of his album," says the source, who is close to Timberlake. "Of course, made-up sources have had them breaking up, getting married, and having a baby ever since they began dating over three years ago."
I can understand the confusion, since it doesn't make any sense that they're still together. One is a global pop sensation adored by girls everywhere and the other is the living incarnation of the Joker. I'm just surprised he hasn't accidentally fallen into her mouth yet.
Jun 23 2006Christina Aguilera wears short shorts in SoHo
Short shorts seem to be the look of summer. Which is confusing, because I could've sworn I said French maid, cheerleader, or completely nude. And considering I've got a giant death ray pointed at Earth from the moon, you better damn well follow what I say. It's not terrorism. It's sexorism. Which sounds sort of like exorcism. But isn't.
More of Christina Aguilera in short shorts after the jump.
Continue Reading "Christina Aguilera wears short shorts in SoHo"
Jun 22 2006Britney Spears dyes her hair
Britney Spears was spotted in New York today with newly dyed black hair. I guess she was sick of all the jokes and felt it was time to change her image. Although somebody should point out people didn't think she was stupid because she was blonde, they thought she was stupid because she was really fucking stupid. You can put a donkey in a lab coat and tape a diploma to its back, but I'm pretty sure at the end of the day it still has no idea how to work a Bunsen burner.
One more shot of dark-haired Britney from the back after the jump.
Jun 22 2006Paris Hilton seizes restrooms
Paris Hilton reportedly landed her helicopter on a German farm so she could use the restroom, and had her security stop the family from entering their own house so she could pee in peace.
A source told Britain's More magazine: "She gave the farmer a bit of a shock. Her bouncers even blocked the farm door so the family couldn't go inside their own house while she was using the loo." The star then allegedly spent another ten minutes on the startled farmer's porch, so she could smoke a cigarette. The unnamed farmer said: "She was cold as a fish, and cursed about the weather."
So this guy is minding his own business riding tractors and picking weeds and doing whatever else it is that farmers do when all of a sudden Paris Hilton flies in on her helicopter, kicks him out of his house, and uses his bathroom. She's like a superhero, only instead of swooping in and saving lives she commandeers toilets and gets all huffy when her helicopter pilot misses and doesn't smoosh the German farmer the way she ordered him to.
Jun 22 2006Kevin Federline gets his charity on
Kevin Federline has finally decided to give back to the community with the worst charity I've ever seen in my entire life. He showed up to Times Square yesterday to promote Virgin Mobile's 1-cent text-message service and help launch their "Save the Penny" fund-raising campaign which is aimed at keeping the penny in circulation, as well as collecting spare change for various children's organizations.
"What's up, New York!" Federline shouted from a stage after arriving in an armored truck decorated with 120,000 pennies. "I'm here with Virgin Mobile to bring the power back to the penny! I feel good about the penny! I'm glad to give it back to these charities." Then he sent the first 1-cent text, claiming it went to "my wife." Mugging for the cameras, Federline held up a penny and slipped it in the armored vehicle's donation slot. Then K-Fed took a cigarette break, wiping his hand on his pants before doing a few television interviews."I just gave all my pennies to charity!" he bragged to one TV outlet. To another, he said: "A bunch of charities get these children off the streets - build a better life, build a better future, for these children." And to another: "There's thousands of kids out here that have nowhere to go." He admitted to "Access Hollywood's" Tim Vincent: "It's my first time doing a charity."
What a shock. Finished with his compassionate interviews, K-Fed kissed publicist Marilyn Lopez goodbye, and four bodyguards escorted him to a black SUV. A block into the ride, the SUV rear-ended a pedicab, prompting a curse-fest between the pedicab driver and one of Federline's guards. At which point the Naked Cowgirl - a pastie-wearing, guitar-strumming Louisa Holmlund - toplessly approached the vehicle. A rear tinted window rolled halfway down, and a hand came out to give her two $1 bills.
If you managed to read through all that you must've noticed at the end he gave two $1 bills to a naked woman while only donating his change to charity. And you wonder why I consider him my personal hero.
Jun 22 2006Britney Spears has a new single
I'm not up to date on her work, but a number of people have written in that Britney Spears has a new single playing on her official website. If you go here and then click the "Love B" bubble a short clip from her new song "Rebellion" will start playing right away. Although I wonder what it is she's rebelling against. Clothes that fit? Good parenting? Obviously not Cheetos.
Jun 22 2006Reese Witherspoon sues Star
Reese Witherspoon filed a lawsuit yesterday against Star for printing a false cover story claiming she was pregnant. The suit says: "Contrary to the fabricated Cover Story, the true facts are that [Reese] is not pregnant, does not have a 'baby bump' and has not otherwise gained weight such that she has had to resort to wearing 'Empire-waist dresses,' 'baggy clothing,' or an 'old-fashioned 1920's bathing suit.'"
Witherspoon's publicist issued a statement, claiming the tabloid lied by saying "...she has been withholding or concealing this information from producers of upcoming films." The statement says Witherspoon's lawyers notified Star before the article was published, warning that the article was "...absolutely false and that it would be damaging to Witherspoon professionally as well as very distressing personally."
I didn't know you could sue people for saying you're pregnant. Punch them in the face at the supermarket when they start patting your stomach because they think you look fat, but not sue. And judging by the way Reese is looking you'd think she'd want people to believe she was pregnant. That, or she enjoys stuffing her clothes with pillows.
More of Reese looking possibly pregnant after the jump.
Jun 22 2006Victoria Beckham wears short shorts
She hasn't done anything for the past 20 years, but if being married to some dude who plays soccer and having the world's tightest body doesn't qualify you as famous then I don't know what does. And by tight I don't mean tight like hot. I mean tight like literally tight. Like her skin was vacuum sealed around her muscles and every ounce of body fat was sucked out.
More of Victoria in short shorts after the jump.
Jun 21 2006Britney Spears hates Kevin Federline
Despite telling Matt Lauer her marriage is awesome, Britney Spears rented two houses during her recent vacation to Florida so she wouldn't have to stay together with Kevin Federline. In Touch Weekly reports they spent $250,000 for the trip to Aqua Island and, except for appearing once on the beach together with Sean Preston, stayed pretty much away from each other the entire trip.
“She did it to get away from Kevin,” a “friend” told the mag. Federline jet skied in South Beach by himself and in the evening, appeared at the club Mansion, where he had a scheduled appearance. Spears didn’t attend, but K-Fed partied with eight friends, drank Cristal champagne, and danced until 3:30 a.m., according to the mag. Despite their problems, a “pal” says, Spears “wants the world to think they’re happier than ever.”
I'm not sure what public image Britney is trying to save here. It's like a seven-year old trying to assure everybody they still have the ability to pee on the kitchen wall. It's impressive and all, but reputations won't exactly be ruined if it just stops altogether.
Jun 21 2006Lindsay Lohan gets kicked out of Butter
During a private concert by Prince at Butter last Friday, Lindsay Lohan got out of her seat to argue with Paris Hilton over Stavros Niarchos and when she returned to her table saw that P. Diddy and his posse had started sharing it. When she refused to share and began arguing with P. Diddy his bodyguards came over and took her out of the club.
"There were only like six tables," a witness says. "Everyone was sharing, but Lindsay refused and began mixing it up with Puffy. His bodyguards came over and picked Lindsay up to get her out." A member of Diddy's camp confirmed, "Lindsay was being so loud and obnoxious. His security became concerned and came over to escort her away."
That's what you get for being a racist and refusing to share your table with black people. She should be thankful they didn't throw fried chicken at her and start hitting her with their humongous penises. Because that's what she deserves for being an ignorant racist. Now if you'll excuse me I have to drive to work and hope there aren't any Asians on the road.
Jun 21 2006Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton hit the beach
IMAGE REMOVED
Nicole Richie was spotted at the beach with Mischa Barton and it looks like she won't be getting that Caribbean yacht cruise any time soon. At least she can take comfort in knowing a dog can't tell the difference between healthy sexy women and 12-year-old boys. As long as you keep their food bowl filled they'll pretty much make out with you for as long as you want.
More of Nicole and Mischa at the beach after the jump.
Jun 20 2006Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy tongue kiss
And there you have it. I'm officially sterile. Although it has less to do with the picture and more to do with the fact a horse just kicked me in the crotch.
One more of Jim Carrey sticking his tongue into Jenny McCarthy's mouth after the jump.
Continue Reading "Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy tongue kiss"
Jun 20 2006Christina Aguilera "Ain't No Other Man" music video
Why won't any of these pop stars let me direct their music videos? Sure they might complain about the nude pillowfight scene at first, but they'll thank me later when they win the Academy Award for best scene ever captured on film.
NOTE: Yeah, they'll actually create a new category for the Oscars just to accomodate how awesome my music video would be.
Jun 20 2006Heidi Klum gets knocked up by Seal again
Somebody find Heidi Klum something to do other than having sex. Us Weekly reports she and Seal are expecting their second child together, which makes it the third total for Heidi. “You’d never have known if you saw her at the Council of Fashion Designers of America Awards,” says a source. “She’s just starting to show. She’s in a really good place. She loves her family. She loves being a mom.”
It's hard to imagine she's getting pregnant on purpose considering she's always in the middle of taping Project Runway or being at some fashion event. Although maybe they were so disappointed their first child turned out as a mole creature they were hoping they'd be blessed with a human on their second go around. And yes, this is what we do here, people. We make fun of babies. And when we're not doing that we're eating kittens.
Jun 20 2006Kevin Federline lies to children
In typical Kevin Federline fashion, he's broken his promise that he'd visit a children's charity during every leg of his promotional tour for his upcoming album "Playing With Fire." His PR rep announced his intentions in March, but he spent the past weekend in Miami promoting his album by hanging out with Britney and Sean Preston, playing at the beach, driving around a golf cart, Jet Skiing, watching the NBA Finals, and hosting a party at club Mansion.
According to a Lowdown spy, the Federlines stayed at Aqua, a heavily guarded condominium development, and ordered in most of their meals. Friday night at Mansion, Kevin — Britless — "was drinking Cristal out of the bottle," reports the spy. "He was sitting in a table in the corner with about 10 guy friends," the spy continued. "After a spin on the turntables in the deejay booth and several shoutouts from the deejay, Federline called it a night at 3:30 a.m."But with all that activity, one thing K-Fed did not do in Miami was help a children's charity. Yesterday, when Lowdown raised K-Fed's noncharitable behavior with Lopez in an E-mail, she changed the subject: "Kevin went to Mansion to play additional new tracks from his upcoming album. And the crowd loved every track that Kevin and the deejay played. It was another stop on his promotional tour in support of his debut album."
Kevin Federline not showing up to a children's charity is probably best for everybody involved. I'm not sure how smoothly it'd go when Federline started calling all the children "his niggas" and then laughed at how unfortunate they were. "Your face got scarred when your house burned down? Well I drive a Ferrari, bitch. Somebody get K-Fizzle away from these freaky ass kids. Snap crackle and pop!"
Jun 20 2006Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy hold hands
I can only imagine what these two do in their private time together. I assume it's along the lines of farting in each other's faces and then laughing about how gross their boogers taste. Which actually sounds like a lot of fun. I'm thinking threesome.
Jun 20 2006Jake Gyllenhaal is a five year old
His movies are fine and all that, but it's all the stuff he does in real life that make Jake Gyllenhaal a real American hero. I haven't played with my shirt like that since I was seven, and especially not while trying to pick up a girl. I understand you're nervous and can't help but twiddle with your clothing, but just do what I do: tell them they have cooties and then mash their face into the mud. And if that doesn't work just start a rumor they're pregnant. Actually you can do that with just about anybody. Like your mom. I hear she's pregnant.
More of Jake almost hitting puberty after the jump.
Jun 19 2006Bruce Willis fights back
Bruce Willis has filed a defamation suit against the paparazzi photographer who claims he attacked him after arriving at Koi last week. The suit says: "Plaintiff put his hand up in front of his face to shield his eyes from the blinding flash of the cameras in order to be able to see and walk into the restaurant. Goodrich falsely stated that Willis stiff-armed Goodrich, shoved the photographer and pushed his camera into his face, causing injury to Goodrich's nose and teeth."
The suit also specifies Willis didn't physically assault Goodrich and the false allegations of criminal assault have damaged Willis' reputation, career, and standing in the entertainment industry. Which is ironic, because the story is about him punching a photographer in the face and not dancing around in a ballerina outfit. If anything, the story should've boosted his reputation, career, and standing in the entertainment industry. It'd be like suing somebody because they claim you're a bad ass who kicks the shit out of terrorists. Don't sue them. Buy them a car.
Jun 19 2006The Superficial Ketchup
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban arrived in Australia today and announced they would be wed there, though an exact date has yet to be revealed.
• The Britney Spears Dateline interview clip they didn't want you to see. And that you didn't want to see either. Because it's gross. And boogers are involved.
• Pete Doherty was fined $1,900 after police found traces of cocaine in his blood. So if the government is ever hard up for cash they can just make a quick stop by Pete's place and it's almost guaranteed there'll be traces of something illegal in his blood.
• The guy who has Paris Hilton's storage locker showed up to an autograph signing at Macy's and asked Paris Hilton to "make it out to 'The Guy Who Has My Storage Locker Stuff.'" Seriously. This actually happened.
Jun 19 2006Britney Spears really needs the help
Page Six reports Britney Spears was a complete mess before her Dateline interview with Matt Lauer last week. When they showed up to her Malibu mansion they found her alone without any of her publicists, and she insisted on doing her own hair and makeup, which turned out terribly and one of her fake eyelashes even fell off when she started crying during the interview.
"When [the NBC crew] got there, they thought they had the wrong day . . . During the interview, no one was there to rein things in," we're told. Spears, when asked about Kevin Federline being with a pregnant Shar Jackson when they first met, shot back, "Julia Roberts' husband had a pregnant wife when he hooked up with Julia, but no one ever talked about that!" Spears wore flip-flops, a see-through tank and micro-mini jeans. Reps tried to control the damage on Friday. "They asked NBC not to release footage to places like E!," said a source. Asked why Spears was on her own for the interview, Sloane Zelnick said, "Britney is a grown-up and makes her own decisions."
If you happened to miss the interview I've posted the entire thing here and after the jump. Britney obviously doesn't come off as very intelligent, but the best part is seeing her try to use air quotes when she clearly has no idea how to. Oh wait, no idea "how" to. Check out the clips to see what I'm talking about.
Jun 19 2006Angelina Jolie to adopt again
In her first interview since giving birth to Shiloh, Angelina Jolie reveals on CNN's Anderson Cooper 360 tomorrow that she plans to adopt another child, saying: "Next we'll adopt. We don't know which - which country. But we're looking at different countries. And we're - I'm just - it's gonna be the balance of what would be the best for Mad and for Z right now. It's, you know, another boy, another girl, which country, which race would fit best with the kids."
Which race would fit best with the kids? I think it's pretty clear Angelina Jolie is an ignorant racist. I don't know where she grew up, but I don't see things like black or white or yellow or green or whatever other color people come in. I'm color blind. And that's what makes our world such a beautiful place. That, and being struck in the eye by a baseball as a child and no longer being able to tell whether to stop or go at a traffic light.
Jun 19 2006Nicole Richie owns her dad
Lionel Richie has reportedly promised to give Nicole Richie and her friends a Caribbean yacht cruise if she puts on some weight. A source tells the London Sun: “Lionel thought some of Nicole’s pals were encouraging her to stay skinny. So he thought if he gave them an incentive to get Nicole to put weight on then that would help her.”
The moral of this story is: starve yourself until your daddy caves and gives you Caribbean cruise for you and your friends. Not only do you get a free cruise with your friends, you also get to look like all the pretty people in the magazines. And that, my friends, is why people consider me the greatest role model of our generation. My sage advice and chiseled good looks.
Jun 19 2006Paris Hilton puts on a wig
Paris Hilton was spotted on Bloor street in Toronto wearing a brown wig. Usually when celebrities put on wigs it's to either look inconspicuous so they can wander around without being noticed or to pimp their new line of really orange wigs. When Paris Hilton puts on a wig it's to see if she can get even more attention by trying to look like she's avoiding it. It'd be like if she put on a wolf costume and started crawling around Gucci stores pretending to be a wolf. "Oh you knew it was me? But I was dressed like a wolf? How'd you figure out I wasn't a wolf? I'm so sneaky."
More of Paris with her brown wig after the jump.
Jun 19 2006Clay Aiken probably still gay
John Paulus, the former Green Beret who told the National Enquirer he had sex with Clay Aiken, is now pretending to be sorry for selling them the story, writing on his blog: “I regret defying the trust of Clay. I regret hurting him, his family and his fans; I regret that I started a blog that ridiculed him. ... I apologize to Clay for that and I hope he will accept.”
He claims he sold the story to the National Enquirer in a “very callow and selfish moment” and then changed his mind and tried to stop them from publishing it, even sending them a cease-and-desist letter. The editor of the National Enquirer doesn't remember ever seeing a legal letter and denies the claims, saying: “Our reporter couldn’t get him off the phone, It’s not a situation where he told the story one time. He engaged in multiple conversations with our reporter. He couldn’t stop talking, and then he talked to reporters after it was out.”
So basically Paulus is a liar and deserves to be forever remembered as "the guy who pretended to have gay sex with Clay Aiken." And believe you me that's not something you want to be remembered for. He might as well be known as "the guy who taught Hitler how to be really angry for no reason."
