Jun 16 2006Christina Aguilera is a wonder of nature
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I'm looking at Christina Aguilera's legs and I'm pretty sure the way she's standing is physically impossible. Her left knee looks inverted, which I guess happens sometimes when your weight drops below 32 lbs. She looks like she's trying to do a cowboy impression but is dressed totally inappropriately for it. Like new age performance art or something. You know the kind. They put on panda suits and then pretend they're milking a cow. It's art. You wouldn't get it.
More of Christina in a see through shirt with really perky breasts after the jump.
Jun 16 2006Jay-Z doesn't support racists
Jay-Z is boycotting Cristal champagne after viewing remarks by the company's managing director as racist. When asked if he felt Cristal being a symbol of a flashy lifestyle was detrimental to the brand, the director of Cristal said: "That's a good question, but what can we do? We can't forbid people from buying it. I'm sure Dom Perignon or Krug would be delighted to have their business."
Jay-Z took this to mean the guy hated black people and in a statement to the AP responded, "It has come to my attention that the managing director of Cristal, Frederic Rouzaud, views the 'hip-hop' culture as 'unwelcome attention. "I view his comments as racist and will no longer support any of his products through any of my various brands including the 40/40 Club nor in my personal life."
Jay-Z's a little late to jump on the bandwagon here. I've been boycotting Cristal since the day I was born. Although that's due less to the fact that the managing director is racist and more because I can barely afford 6 piece Chicken McNuggets on Tuesdays. If you're going to charge over $200 for a bottle of your product, it's a pretty save assumption I'm going to boycott you. Unless the bottle is filled with porn. In which case that's just a wise investment.
Jun 16 2006Kevin Federline has found a job
Kevin Federline has finally found a job, and it's to be the new face of Blue Marlin clothing. Britney attended an ad-campaign shoot in Los Angeles with him and a source says: "She and Sean Preston showed up, and she told all the paparazzi how proud of Kevin she was. The paparazzi went nuts - there was even a helicopter - and La Brea had to be shut down."
I've never heard of Blue Marlin clothing before, and judging by their brilliant business moves I'm starting to understand why. If you're going to appoint Kevin Federline as your spokesperson you might as well just declare bankruptcy now and start looking for a new job as a hot dog vendor. It's not that Kevin Federline isn't a beacon of fashion, I just don't think society is ready for his radical styles. Jeans and a wife beater? Every single day? Slow it down, Mr. Federline, you're blowing my mind.
Jun 16 2006Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos buy DVDs
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Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos were spotted buying DVD's last Saturday despite reports they've broken up and he's been seeing Lindsay Lohan. Paris even tore into Lindsay on Monday for her relationship with him, which leads me to believe something happened between Saturday and Monday, like maybe an awkward threesome where Stavros was paying more attention to Lindsay. Which makes sense, because if you have to stick your penis in a mouse trap or a meat grinder, you always go with the mouse trap.
More shots of Paris and Stavros after the jump, including a closeup of Paris' purchase: Kathy Griffin - Allegedly.
Jun 15 2006Paris Hilton is turning into wax
Paris Hilton attended the launch party of her new fragrance at Le Cirque looking like I've never seen her look before. And I've seen her look a lot of ways. Naked. Almost clothed. With a penis inside of her. Anyways, the moral of the story is: using Paris Hilton's perfume will turn you into a wax caricature of yourself. And possibly give you three forms of venereal disease. And by three I mean four. And by four I mean eight. Let's just call it what it is: a whore spray.
Jun 15 2006Bruce Willis isn't a bad ass
A photographer is accusing Bruce Willis of shoving him outside of Koi, striking the lens of his camera and pushing it into his face. He claims the shove broke the skin on his nose and chipped his tooth. "Basically he smashed my camera into my face," the photographer says. "For no reason at all. All I was doing was taking his picture. I didn't say one word. I didn't get in his way."
I'd love it if Bruce Willis actually punched this guy in the face for no reason, but there's video of the incident and it's pretty clear it was an accident. Bruce even apologizes afterwards, which is the complete opposite of what he should've done: yell "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" and then uppercut him into the bushes.
Jun 15 2006Paris Hilton heads out in her slip
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Not sure what to wear out? Why not follow Paris Hilton's example and just go with your underwear. Some people save that stuff for the bedroom or for under their clothes, but not Paris. She's an innovator. Like Thomas Edison, but instead of inventing revolutionary devices that change the face of society she invents new ways of getting naked faster.
Jun 15 2006Kate Moss escapes prison
The Crown Prosecution Service announced today they wouldn't prosecute Kate Moss over allegations she used cocaine at a London recording studio last year because they feel there's not enough evidence for a likely conviction.
I guess the English legal system is just as inept as the American one. Even if the photos and videos weren't enough, just the fact she used to go out with Pete Doherty should guarantee a conviction. I hear you get high just from being in a room with him for too long. But that might be because he injects you with stuff every time you look away.
Jun 15 2006Heath Ledger apologizes to Howard Stern
Heath Ledger has apologized to Howard Stern after he and Michelle Williams snubbed Stern and his girlfriend at Nobu last week. According to Stern, Heath called him up and said, "Michelle and I were in a very deep conversation about something in our personal life. I was admittedly a little out of it. I apologize if we came off horribly."
Apologizing to Howard Stern for being rude is like apologizing to George W. Bush for mispronouncing a word. Unless Heath took a crap in Stern's drink the apology probably wasn't necessary.
Jun 15 2006Lindsay Lohan likes her teeth clean
Lindsay Lohan was photographed at Da Silvano restaurant on Tuesday and was caught picking her teeth, which is totally unacceptable if you're a fancy movie star. Next thing I know you'll be telling me they actually fart and go number two. I think not, my friends. That would be disgusting, and everybody knows girls don't poo.
Notice how she covers up in shame after seeing the photographers. Either she's embarrassed she was caught picking her teeth or embarrassed she was caught eating. Or embarrassed because just moments earlier she accidentally peed her pants.
Some more of Lindsay looking embarrassed after the jump.
Jun 15 2006Madonna puts the moves on Lindsay Lohan
After dumping Britney Spears as a friend, Madonna has supposedly turned her attention to Lindsay Lohan after finding out she's been looking into Kabbalah. In Touch Weekly reports that Madonna has been talking to her multiple times a week and wants to sing a duet with her.
“Madonna’s giving Lindsay advice on her music career, and she wants to work on a film with Madonna, too!” an insider tells the mag, also saying that they're planning a “spiritual journey” once Madonna’s current tour is over, adding: “They’re going to visit the Holy Land."
It's like Madonna is turning into the Michael Jackson of Kabbalah, seducing young impressionable children into her little fantasy world. Only instead of waking up in a racecar bed next to Michael Jackson, they just wake up and realize they've blown a thousand dollars on a book and some pieces of red yarn.
Jun 14 2006Jared Leto and Jessica Simpson get it on
A source close to Jared Leto has revealed to People that he and Jessica Simpson are "an item." Leto met Simpson at Los Angeles nightclub Hyde on June 2 and managed to get her number. Four nights later, after partying at Plumm in New York, he headed to Double Seven where he met up with Simpson again.
"They were hanging all over each other," says a witness. Still, a source close to Simpson tells PEOPLE, "Jessica is not dating anyone," and the singer's rep insists, "She is single." Adds Leto's rep, "There is no truth to these rumors."
There has to be a rational explanation for why every man in Los Angeles and New York seems to gravitate towards Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, or Paris Hilton. Maybe their vaginas have been stuffed with so much matter they've collapsed into themselves and have formed mini black holes.
Jun 14 2006Zach Braff and Mandy Moore split up
Us Weekly is reporting Zach Braff and Mandy Moore have split up after going out for a year and a half. Braff was spotted at Hyde on June 8 downing drinks and trying to get with Jessica Simpson, despite costar Christa Miller saying on Howard Stern Monday that they were still together. A source says:
“There was no drama. They were ready. Mandy was very young when they got together and she wanted to see what’s out there, now that she’s a woman. Zach was mature and realized it was time to let her do that.”
There's a reason you don't see many beautiful women with ugly men, and thats because at some point in their lives they realize they have eyes. And they can see with them. I'm sure Zach is a very nice fellow, but if these two were to enter a beauty contest one would end up in the top 10 and the other would be mistaken for the janitor. Or her dad.
Jun 14 2006Paris Hilton hates Lindsay Lohan
Paris Hilton started screaming at Lindsay Lohan Monday night at Butter because she's so upset Lindsay is seeing her ex, Stavros Niarchos.
Witnesses report Hilton went up to Lohan and shouted, "I can't believe you and Stavros! You are ridiculous!" After taking more insults and curses, Lohan said, "That's how you say hello? I don't need to respond to you." Lohan promptly left. A rep for Lohan said, "Correct. Paris tried to pick a fight with her and started screaming at her, but Lindsay took the high road." After Lohan left, Hilton did a striptease for N.Y. Knick David Lee, Eli Manning and a bunch of other N.Y. Giants.
Paris Hilton's brain is like a cycle of simple thoughts; rotating between posing, fighting, stripping, and saying "that's hot." She just picks whatever seems applicable and if it doesn't work out moves on to the next choice. And for no reason at all, here's Paris signing autographs after leaving the Regis and Kelly show. Picture number two is the one you're interested in.
Jun 14 2006Britney Spears changes baby on floor
Us Weekly reports that on June 4, Britney Spears was spotted picking out pink thongs at a Victoria’s Secret in Mission Viejo when she decided to change Sean Preston’s diaper on the floor next to the cash register.
Says the source, “Britney then tried to hand it to an employee,” but the salesperson wouldn’t take it.
The way Britney Spears is raising her baby is the way you'd expect a cave woman to do it if you gave them absolutely no instruction whatsoever. I'm pretty sure the first few days with Sean she just wiped his butt with her hand and tried to wrap him up with with some leftover burrito wrappers.
Jun 14 2006Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get it on
This is supposedly Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo making out in Cabo, but it's hard to tell considering the only thing you can make out are two hats. So basically two people who own hats made out somewhere. That's pretty rock solid evidence if you ask me. And I'm a world class detective so you should ask me. My powers of deduction make Sherlock Holmes look like an infant who craps his own pants.
One more shot of Nick and Vanessa after the jump. And by Nick and Vanessa I mean blobs of color wearing baseball caps.
Continue Reading "Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get it on"
Jun 14 2006Avril Lavigne is weak
Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley were spotted in NYC with Deryck dragging all of their luggage around. Which is what you'd expect if you were to see a picture of a man and a woman and some luggage being dragged around. Although I don't see a kitchen or bedroom, so there's really no reason for Avril to even be in the picture.
Some more of Avril being a little princess girl after the jump.
Jun 13 2006The Superficial Ketchup
• The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift finally figures out how to market their movie. And the campaign is brilliant.
• Alec Baldwin called Patricia Field "a fruit-salad head" and a "wack job, 24-7" after she blamed him as the reason she quit being the stylist for his most recent movie. In future news, the writer of The Superficial will start calling people fruit-salad heads on a regular basis because it may be the greatest insult I've ever heard in my entire life.
• Daryl Hannah was arrested today after protesting the destruction of a 14-acre fruit and vegetable garden by living in one of the trees for three weeks. If that doesn't qualify as a fruit-salad head I don't know what does. Her head could literally be a melon and she still wouldn't be as fruit-salad heady.
• Heather Mills McCartney announced that she and Paul McCartney will divorce, and that she's planning on suing the paper that's claiming she used to prostitute herself and has been publishing nude photos she took when she was younger. The most shocking news of all? People actually seem to care. I can honestly say I've never even heard of Heather Mills until she and Paul decided to split.
Jun 13 2006Toni Braxton hates the wind
If you're gonna be performing somewhere with high wind gusts, wearing a flowy dress probably isn't the best idea. Or if you do, maybe put on some more flattering underwear. I like how everybody just keeps on going like nothing happened, and the guy on the left is eyeing the guy on the right to see if he noticed too. "Look down, bro. See that? Yeah, you see that. That'd be pretty hot if we weren't gay. I love you, man."
More of Toni trying to keep her dress down, along with a shot of her thong after the jump.
Jun 13 2006Paris Hilton being sued
Just when I was starting to lose all faith in humanity, TMZ reports Paris Hilton is being sued for an incident in 2004 when her cousin crashed Paris' car on an LA freeway after failing to stop when traffic slowed, making Paris legally responsible for the chain collision even though she wasn't in the car. The plaintiffs were two cars in front of Paris' Mercedes and are asking for $250,000 each but the insurance company refuses to pay since Paris has the bare minimum coverage for property damage. Paris rep said: "I am not going to comment on the lawsuit, but I think it is important for people to know that Paris was not in the vehicle."
When I first read Paris was being sued I assumed it was for this. Or maybe this. Both of which were caught on camera and have plenty of witnesses. But not some obscure accident that happened two years ago where Paris Hilton wasn't even at the scene. I'm all for bringing down Osama bin Laden, but not because one of his brothers shoplifted a Snickers bar.
Jun 13 2006Madonna no longer friends with Britney Spears
Madonna has reportedly dropped her friendship with Britney Spears after Britney gave up Kabbalah and announced on her Web site: “I no longer study Kabbalah, my baby is my religion.” Madonna has allegedly spent thousands of dollars and a lot of time trying to convert Britney and now feels it was all a waste. Britney, who was raised a Baptist, has even supposedly been consulting with a Christian life coach to help out with her marriage to Kevin Federline.
“Madonna spent months teaching Britney the Kabbalah system and splashed out thousands on the ancient scripture for her,” according to a source quoted by Virgin.net, which is further reporting that Madonna is demanding that Spears return the twelfth-century book on Kabbalah that she gave her as a wedding present. Madonna’s rep had no comment by press time, but the source said: “She feels she has wasted time, money and precious gifts on Brit.”
As mentally incompetent as these two are, it's hard to believe somebody worth the GDP of a small nation would care about a few thousand dollars she spent on religious supplies. Although I don't even understand how she spent thousands on Kabbalah stuff in the first place. Did she decide to buy Britney 500 of those red string bracelets? Or maybe the Kabbalah book she got for her was made out of caviar.
Jun 13 2006Orlando Bloom puts the moves on Claire Danes
According to Page Six, Orlando Bloom was spotted dancing with Claire Danes and kissing her neck during a performance by the Black Eyed Peas at the Raisa Gorbachev Foundation party at the Althorp estate in England. A source says:"He was kissing her neck and grinding against her. He didn't seem to care who saw it."
It's tough picturing Orlando Bloom in that shady mustache of his dancing his way up to a girl and trying to put the moves on her. If you didn't know it was Orlando Bloom you'd probably just assume the local pervert escaped from jail again.
Jun 13 2006Kevin Federline is still alive
Kevin Federline has been photographed with Britney Spears and Sean Preston for the first time in over three months. It's nice of Britney to let him out of the basement long enough to pose for cameras and pretend their marriage isn't a complete sham, but she could've dressed him up a bit more. Although I guess if Kevin showed up looking like a functioning member of society as opposed to an online predator people might suspect it was all just a show for the media. It'd be like Gary Coleman suddenly being photographed with money. Or not crying. Society just isn't ready to accept it.
NOTE: It's hard to make fun of K-Fed without his signature goatee. He almost looks like a legitimate human being and it's really throwing me off.
Jun 12 2006Lindsay Lohan with mystery man
Lindsay Lohan was spotted in New York City with whoever that guy in the picture is. And judging from the way he's stepping on her foot I'm assuming it's one of her many overseas boyfriends. I don't want to explain how the reasoning works, but it involves science and test tubes and is 100% accurate. Did I mention test tubes? Because test tubes are involved.
One more shot of Lindsay after the jump.
Jun 12 2006Matt Damon and Luciana Bozan reproduce
Matt Damon and his wife Luciana Bozan had a baby girl yesterday and named her Isabella. Which means I totally lost a bet he'd name her Ben Affleck Jr. I gotta make some calls.
Jun 12 2006Jake Gyllenhaal and Ryan Phillippe are workout buddies
It's always weird to see celebrities hanging out with other celebrities. Especially when they're Jake Gyllenhaal and Ryan Phillippe and they're working out together at the track. Although I would've preferred if these were taken in a weight room. And by weight room I mean bedroom. And by bedroom I mean act of homosexual intercourse.
Some more of Jake and Ryan getting sweaty after the jump.
Continue Reading "Jake Gyllenhaal and Ryan Phillippe are workout buddies"
Jun 12 2006Denise Richards performs at Pussycat Dolls Lounge
Here's Denise Richards showing up for her performance at the Pussycat Dolls Lounge last Friday. So when legitimate businesses ask a celebrity to dress like a prostitute and dance around on stage it's okay, but when I do it I get arrested and ordered by a judge to stay 100 yards away? I'll never understand these crazy American customs. Next thing you know they'll make it illegal to stand outside a stranger's bedroom and occasionally steal their panties when they're not at home.
Jun 12 2006Britney Spears lies to Matt Lauer
In an interview with Matt Lauer to air on Thursday, Britney Spears denies rumors she has Kevin Federline living in the basement and insists she's a good mom.
In the interview with Lauer, Spears defended her parenting skills following the outrage sparked earlier this year when photographers snapped her driving down the Pacific Coast Highway with baby Sean on her lap. "I can't go anywhere without someone judging me. ... I did it with my dad. I'd sit on his lap and I drive. We're country," the Louisiana native said. "I know I'm a good mom," she added.
I'm pretty sure Britney's dad didn't sit her on his lap when she was 5 months old and let her drive the car. They can barely hold their own head up at that age, let alone have the motor skills to operate an automotive vehicle. 5 years old I can understand, but not 5 months. Either Britney Spears is a lying whore or her dad has somehow topped her as the worst parent in America. Although judging from the picture I'm going to assume Sean Preston was just using the powers of Satan to control her mind.
Jun 12 2006Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on the move
An official for Namibia said Saturday that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have left the country with their children, after staying their for two months at a luxury beach resort. The governor of the region they were staying at confirmed their departure but wouldn't say when they left or where they went.
It feels like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are challenging us to figure out where they'll appear next. Like a real life version of Where In The World of Carmen San Diego? only instead of showing up in common places like Paris they pop up in places nobody has ever heard of like Namibia. Their next press conference is probably gonna come out of Narnia and discuss how splendidly their children are getting along with the make believe animals.
Jun 12 2006Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn hate life
Either they can't stand each other or Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are just the most serious and angry people in the world. You'd think having $100 bajillion and the resources to do whatever you want with your life would make you a happy person, and yet every picture I've ever seen of Jennifer Aniston she's either pouting or putting on a forced smile. It's okay for Vince since he's a guy and that's what guys do, but there's no reason for Jennifer to be so bitter. I guess not being with me is harder for women than I thought. Damn you life-ruining good looks. Damn you.
Some more of Jennifer and Vince being serious after the jump.
Continue Reading "Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn hate life"
