Jun 9 2006Angelina Jolie has a new tattoo
Angelina Jolie showed up to her Wednesday press conference with a new tattoo on her shoulder where she used to have Billy Bob Thornton’s name. The new tattoo is the latitude and longitude coordinates of Cambodia (Maddox’s birthplace) and Ethiopia (Zahara’s birthplace) and reads:
N11º 33’ 0” E104º 51’ 00”
N09º 02’ 00” E038º 45’ 00”
To be fair to Shiloh she's gonna have to get the coordinates of Namibia tattooed on her arm as well. Unless she has other plans, like maybe one above her shoulder that says "Adopted" with an arrow pointing downward. And then on her other arm she can get one that says "I love Shiloh the most." Just kidding. That'll go on her forehead.
Jun 9 2006Paris Hilton should be in jail
TMZ has video of Paris Hilton hitting a parked car yesterday but not leaving a note, which is a misdemeanor under California law and punishable by as much as six months in jail. She had finished shopping in Robertson Blvd in Los Angeles with her friend Kim Kardashian and after loading her shopping bags into the trunk of her Range Rover she backs out of the parking spot without her seat belt on - another violation of law - and hits a parked Honda Civic behind her. She then cries out, "Oh shit!" before speeding off without leaving a note.
If you're the owner of the Civic I highly recommend you take some legal action against Paris. Besides parking in handicapped spots, she's also been involved in other hit and runs. She's a menace to society and somebody needs to take her down. If the police won't do it then I will. I've got a mask and cape and everything.
Jun 8 2006James Blunt has magic powers
There were rumors that James Blunt and Petra Nemcova were getting it on, but those rumors have been turned into rock hard depressing fact after they were photographed together in Ibiza. It's this kind of nonsense that makes me want to quit my day job and write a hit single so supermodels will overlook my physical inadequacies and fall madly in love with me. And by "physical inadequacies" I mean a freakishly large penis and the chiseled good looks of a Greek God.
If you look at the last picture after the jump you'll see James Blunt looking like Petra's smaller, way less attractive brother. But he's not. He's her boyfriend. And that makes me want to smash myself in the head with a toaster.
Jun 8 2006Paris Hilton is better than cripples
As if there weren't enough reasons to hate her, Paris Hilton supposedly parks in handicapped spaces now. Residents of the Los Angeles apartment complex where Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart lives say every time she visits she pulls into the handicapped spot. Paris' rep Elliot Mintz says, "I find the reports surprising."
I'm sure this is all just a simple misunderstanding. How is Paris Hilton supposed to know having the IQ of a ferret doesn't qualify her as handicapped? She has the IQ of a ferret. She can't figure that shit out on her own. It's like a vicious cycle.
Jun 8 2006Tom Cruise makes Katie Holmes rich
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have finalized their prenuptial agreement and it supposedly gives Katie $3 million a year up to $33 million for each year she's married to Cruise, as well as a home in Montecito, California. If the marriage lasts over eleven years then the contract becomes void and Katie gets half of everything due to California's community property law. However, an insider tells Life & Style it's all a ploy, saying: “If she walks now, Tom will fight her for custody of [daughter Suri], and Katie can’t outlast him in court. She knows she needs to marry him to get the money to fight him for custody, if it comes to that.”
It's hard to justify marrying an insane person, but $33 million pretty much does it. For $33 million I'd marry any damn thing you'd want me to. A corpse. A dog. A mailbox. Just make the checks out to "Cash" and leave me alone with the love of my life. Who may or may not have a slot designated to accept regulation sized envelopes.
Jun 8 2006Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie not getting married
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt said in a press conference yesterday they had no plans of getting married anytime soon, saying they want to concentrate on taking care of their three children instead. Angelina says:
"There is nothing in the air. The focus is the kids, and we are obviously extremely committed to the children and as parents together. So that kind of says it for us, and to have a ceremony on top of it is nothing."
It's weird to see two people so committed to destroying typical family structures and stereotypes. It almost feels like an elaborate setup so they can one day tell Shiloh she's adopted. None of the kids will call Brad Pitt dad, and he'll always be referred to as "the guy who makes funny noises with mom in the bedroom."
Jun 8 2006Jessica Simpson has awesome fashion sense
I'm sure somebody somewhere thinks this dress is really cute, I just don't think their credentials of sitting in a kindergarten classroom drinking glue and rolling around in paint makes them the most qualified fashion expert. It's not even just the dress, it's the dress with her shoes. She's always been stupid, but at least she's been able to dress herself properly. Now it looks like Jessica can't even do that right. One of these days she'll just walk out of her house wearing a potato sack and used milk carton for a hat. And that day will be the greatest day of my life.
Some more of Jessica and her lovely dress after the jump.
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Jun 8 2006Lindsay Lohan enjoys "powdering" her nose
Lindsay Lohan annoyed Vogue editor Anna Wintour Monday night when she was a guest at Wintour's table for the CFDA awards by continuing to get up to use the bathroom to powder her nose, doing it six times in two hours.
During the last trip, Wintour leaned over and whispered to a Vogue staffer: "Tell her, if she gets up one more time, she will never be invited to one of my events again." Lohan's date, Karl Lagerfeld, was then told, "Karl, this is your guest, control her!" A rep for Wintour said, "Anna was definitely surprised at how busy Lindsay was, but she offered no threat."
I'm trying really hard not to make a cocaine reference, but powdering your nose every 20 minutes is excessive even for an egomaniac like Lindsay. By the end of the day it's just a half-inch layer of cake covering her nose. Which is probably the point, but if she wanted to save some time she could've just taped a sponge to her face.
Jun 7 2006Mariah Carey has hard nipples
Mariah Carey and her dog arrived at Radio City Music Hall last week wearing her signature outfit and really pokey nipples. I don't even care that she's insane anymore. I'm just happy she keeps walking her dog in ridiculously inappropriate dresses. Best case scenario she continues this trend until she's taking her dog around the block in lingerie. And then eventually in just a thong and heels. And then the very last time she walks the dog she'll be completely nude with a man having sex with her from behind. It'll be shocking. But also a little classy.
Jun 7 2006Kevin Federline hates Britney Spears' manny
In Touch magazine reports that Kevin Federline is jealous of Britney Spears' new manny. The manny was originally hired to be a bodyguard but somehow ended up doing chores that had been done by Federline, and was even spotted buying Spears flowers. A source says:
“[Federline] doesn’t like that this guy is taking care of his baby,” an “insider” told the mag. “He feels like Britney is throwing it in his face.” What’s more, Spears reportedly is redecorating her house, ditching Federline’s beloved black leather furniture in favor of a “1950s boudoir” look she favors. “She’s using pink, cream and apricot silk, lace and feathers,” reports the insider. “[Kevin] claims that he can’t think in the house any more and it’s affecting his music. [He] is complaining that the place is ‘some high-school chick's bedroom.’”
Kevin Federline complaining the house makes it hard for him to think is like a paraplegic complaining the hot weather makes it hard for him to run up the stairs. The difficulty isn't so much the surrounding as it is his genetic inability to think. You can't use your brain if God has replaced it with a small drawing of a brain. It's basic biology.
Jun 7 2006Nicole Richie sprays photographers
Nicole Richie showed up to a Beverly Hills gym yesterday and as she arrived decided to spray her water on some photographers. Not bad, but I'm waiting for the day a photographer finally gets a photo set that features a picture of a celebrity, then a shot of their first, then a shot through a cracked lens of a bleeding fist and possibly a dead photographer. If you're gonna pay $4.1 million for a photo, it might as well feature a celebrity murdering a man with their bare hands.
One more shot of Nicole Richie and her water bottle after the jump.
Jun 7 2006Paris Hilton "Stars Are Blind" music video
If you haven't seen or heard it yet, here's the music video for Paris Hilton's new single "Stars Are Blind." I don't want to comment on how it sounds, but the video looks like a really long CK commercial. Which is every bit as boring as it sounds. When she was rolling around in the sand when her nipple fell out it looked like she might be spoofing herself and acting like an ass on purpose. Turns out that's not the case, and she was actually trying to look sexy. It fails miserably, as does everything else about the video. This looks like what you'd get if you gave somebody $20 and told him to film Paris and a guy making out on the beach for 4 minutes.
Jun 6 2006Jessica Simpson has the weirdest posture ever
I'm not going to pretend I understand what's happening to Jessica Simpson because I don't. She showed up to the CDFA Fashion Awards standing like she learned her posture from posing for statues of Hercules. She looks like a woman who's forgotten how to be a woman, and is trying to learn all over again with the help of a manual. Step 1. Wear an outfit that accentuates your breasts. Step 2. Stick your breasts out. Step 3. Stick your breasts out even more. Men like boobs. This concludes your guide on being a woman.
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Jun 6 2006Brandon Davis' grandma is a dirty liar
The grandma of Brandon Davis - the guy who called Lindsay Lohan a firecrotch - is telling her friends that Brandon Davis is now dating Lindsay Lohan. At Kenny G's birthday party over the weekend she was overheard telling guests, "Brandon is dating Lindsay now!" A rep for Barbara confirmed her story and said that Brandon took Lindsay out to dinner last weekend, although a rep for Lohan denies everything, saying:
"It is unfortunate that Barbara Davis is desperate enough to make up a lie about Lindsay dating her grandson. Lindsay took the high road and accepted Brandon's apology last week, but they are not dating and they did not go to dinner together. Lindsay is dating several men who live overseas."
I'm not entirely sure replacing a small rumor she had dinner with some guy by telling everybody she's a whore is a good idea. "My client doesn't have dinner with billionaires! She's far too busy sleeping with multiple foreign men for that kind of nonsense. A slut. A slut she is!"
Jun 6 2006Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie sell photos of Shiloh for a lot
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have sold the first pictures of Shiloh to People magazine for a kidney punching $4.1 million, with all the money going to an unknown children's charity. Magazine editors were told to meet at the offices of the Getty photo agency late Saturday night and each magazine went through a night long bidding war for the shots, which were taken by the family at their Namibian hideaway.
"We were sequestered into separate and un-air-conditioned offices," said one. "The photos were shown to us around 10 p.m. to midnight, and then we had to submit bids by 6 a.m. Sunday morning. No one got any sleep at all, as it was a manic game of phone-tag to top each other's bids. I'm convinced it was Brangie's revenge on the weekly magazines."
I can appreciate the spectacle around this, but $4.1 million for a baby picture is a bit ridiculous considering all infants look exaxctly the same. The only way it'd be worth it is if Shiloh has a tail or three eyes or is Asian.
Jun 5 2006Britney Spears moving forward with divorce
Britney Spears has allegedly signed preliminary divorce papers after consulting lawyers about splitting from Kevin Federline. A source tells Britain's News of the World:
“Britney has already started seeing lawyers about splitting with Kevin. She is serious about it and even though she’s pregnant she knows that she has to get things moving. It’s a very stressful time for her at the moment what with expecting her second baby.”
Additionally, Us Weekly is reporting it's been over 96 days since Britney and Kevin have been photographed together, the last time being at the Vegas birthday party Britney threw for Kevin. I didn't think she had it in her, but it looks like Britney's actually serious about leaving Kevin in March. Although considering we haven't seen or heard from him in awhile I'm just curious if he's still alive or lying in a basement somewhere chained to the radiator and begging for forgiveness.
Some more of Britney in curlers after the jump. And thanks to our friends at Sunset Photo and News for the shots.
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Jun 5 2006OJ Simpson made a sex tape
If you woke up today thinking to yourself you'd really like to see OJ Simpson having sex with two prostitutes then you're in luck. And also a freak of nature. Celebrity sex tape distrubutor David Hans Schmidt released an OJ sex tape on Saturday and it features such lovely scenes as OJ snorting cocaine in the bathroom with one of the women while the other goes through his pants and takes money from his wallet. And another scene features OJ fittingly singing "If I only had a brain."
"I didn't believe in sex addicts until my last few girlfriends," Simpson says on the 25-minute tape, according to a trailer for the video. "I'm a sexaholic! ... If I'm not sexually active, I become destructive." Simpson's lawyer, Yale Galanter, said that while his client may appear fully clothed in portions of the tape, the man having sex "is an imposter." "This tape is garbage," said Galanter. "And we can prove it. O.J. wouldn't do anything like this."
First his prank DVD and now this. I guess murdering people wasn't a strong enough legacy for the Juice as he seems intent on destroying any respect you could've ever had for him. This time next year we'll read about him starting up a Hitler fan club and an organization devoted to kicking puppies. And I don't ever want to meet the person that pays money for an OJ Simpson sex tape.
Jun 5 2006Christina Aguilera at 2006 MTV Movie Awards
Remember when Christina Aguilera used to actually do stuff? Now I think her full time job is to show up to events and be photographed looking like Marilyn Monroe. I tried that out for a summer but things didn't go so well. Mostly because nobody bought me as a girl. When you're as much man as I am it's impossible to hide behind a dress. Especially when you've got a 12" wang hanging out.
And yes I know she performed, but I choose to ignore certain facts when they get in the way of my own amusement. In my mind she'll always be unemployed and possibly a little drunk.
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Jun 5 2006Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are paranoid
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are so worried about the paparazzi that they're staging their June 25 Sydney, Australia wedding at sunset so it'll be nearly impossible for photographers to get overhead helicopter shots that are decent and marketable.
It's a good idea, but I doubt anybody cares enough about either of these two to go through the trouble. I can't remember the last movie Nicole Kidman's been in and I've never known who Keith Urban is. It'd be like telling me there's no way I can get shots of Screech's wedding. Yeah. Great. Real shame. I'll console my sorrow in ice cream. Although I am curious as to why Nicole is marrying somebody even shorter than Tom Cruise. Maybe she's trying to live out her childhood dream of one day marrying a Cabbage Patch Kid.
Jun 5 2006David Spade and Heather Locklear hit the beach
At first I couldn't see what Heather Locklear saw in David Spade, but now it's pretty obvious she's only after his ripped body. I always pictured him to be a skinny little bone creature under his clothes, but apparently he's made of Play-Doh. He looks like a fourth grader molded a huge slab of it into the shape of a human but ran out of time and couldn't finish up the stomach. I don't even know what you call that thing. It's not a six pack or a beer belly. It's just shapes. Like a sack of potatoes, but mushy.
One more shot of David and Heather at the beach after the jump.
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