First?

Hoo-ray!!

Cameron Diaz doesn't like signing autographs because if she gets that close to people they'll get a close-up of the huge zit-craters on her face. Have you seen her w/out makeup? Not a pretty sight.

I want Captain Jack Sparrow to autograph my heaving bosom, being the lusty pirate wench that I be.

Johnny Depp started to autograph my bosom, but then Cameron Diaz got in the way and took a dump in the middle of the floor. She left it there, called it "Charlie's Angels," and it became a huge hit.

I never got my fucking autograph, either.

"Cameron Diaz may be a talented actress"

really? on what planet is zippy a talented actress?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/38329000/jpg/_38329281_zippy150.jpg

I'd fuck him senseless. Repeatedly... especially if he kept that pirate costume on.

Johnny depp is cute but his gap toothed bitchy wife isnt.Ugh

What would really impress the hell of out me would be seeing Paris Hilton write her name.

This is old news already. Why post it now? So Johnny Depp signs autographs in France. Who cares?

Like the French really want American autographs much anyway.

Where does it say he signs autographs in France? He lives in London with his french wife Vanessa Paradis.

I don't know, I think it'd almost be worth it to be lectured by someone as vapid as Cameron Diaz. Next time I see her, which, you know, could happen, I'm totally gonna ask her to sign my butt.

"Cameron Diaz may be a talented actress"

Compared to Johnny Depp - the only place Cameron Diaz should be considered a talented actress is in a Vagisil commercial. Seriously.

Cameron Diaz is an ungrateful stick figure of a bizz-nitch. She should go sign the middle of a very, very busy road...

She's such a steaming bag of cunt. Buy some damn proactive already.

In other thoughts, Capt. Jack Sparrow... yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, and me naked with you on top of me and oh GOD... *running off to the bathroom*

My ass was featured in Autograph Collector Magazine. BigJim signed it.

Who wants Cameron Diaz's autograph anyway? Ew.

Johnny Depp on the other hand...ding, dong! I'm glad he's a nice guy, but I can't figure out what he sees in the haggard Ms. Paradis. Maybe he just fancies that heroin-chic look? He was all up in Kate Moss's stuff for awhile and she also had those hollow, starveling cheeks and eyes that looked like piss holes in the snow.

His taste for skeletal women is his only imperfection, though.

Cameron Diaz Lectures people? I love the thought of some bim who never went to school and got by because she was formerly hot giving people a lecture about how "dumb" something is.

I do the same thing, but I go around lecturing people about how Dumb Cameron Diaz is.

Autographs suck.
I would rather spend some quality time with Cameron Diaz and lecture her about how cool I am.

Cameron Diaz will kick your ass, too.

I had sex with Johnny Depp, once.
To my credit, I was confused and thought I was fucking Helena Bonham Carter.
Whoops.

It seems kinda messed up actually, but there are a lot of people out there obsessed with celebrities...hello?!

Tom Cruise LOVES Captain Jack Sparrow Cock!

Last time I saw a mouth like Cameron Diaz', it had a hook in it. Over-rated!

I LOVED Cameron Diaz as the Joker in Batman! She was so great.

Cameron Diaz has more important things to do than make some fan's day, like do that dumbass MTV show Trippin and whine about trees being cut down.

Is that turd even on TV anymore?

Johnny Depp is gross, as is his chick. I would only ask Cameron Diaz to autograph a piece of toilet paper for me and then I'd wipe my ass with it in front of her. Then, she'd lecture me for not using a leaf or some shit. Then, I punch her in her crater face.
Anyone see the commercial with Gwenyth and her - annoying to the max. Who calls that acting?

So the best/worst list is here:

http://www.autographcollector.com/bestworst.html

I'm surprised to see Winona Ryder on the worst list. Don't you have to be acting in films or tv shows to be considered autograph-worthy? I didn't think PSAs for your community service requirement counted. Besides, she's probably a little shy about signing anything without her lawyer present at this point anyway.

Yeah I saw a commercial she did once, only it was an hour and a half long and it sucked ass!

I think it's funny that our beloved TC is on the "best" list. He probably signs, Love, Xenu. And throws in a free Scientology tract to boot.

And Russell Crowe is on the worst. Yeah, I'd imagine those phones being thrown at you would be a little off-putting.

Johnny Depp makes my clit dance for joy.

I asked Diaz for an autograph in the airport once & she started lecturing me, so I said "I guess a blowjob is out of the question then?"
To my surprise & horror, she agreed to the BJ, but when that Joker mouth started coming at my schlong, I just slammed he face into the ground and pounded her ass instead.
TCLTC.

#27 - I think you're talking about "Reality Bites."

You can just see Cameron Diaz lecturing a crying little girl about how rude it is to take up Goddess Cameron's precious time being a beard for Justin Timberlake. And isn't Cameron a guy's name? She's probably a tranny who kept her birth name. After Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, the only reason why anyone would ask for her autograph is if they were collecting the signatures of stars who made box-office H-bombs. "Look, Mom, I got Cameron's signature! I can put it next to Ben Affleck's!"

People still ask Winonna Ryder for Autographs?!?! Are you sure that they aren't confusing the signiture sheets for her parol officer with autograph paper?

johnny depp sucks. i used to dig him, but when i saw him on Charlie Rose smoking skinny brown cigarettes i decided enough was enough

My grandpa wants his hat back you faggot. Don't borrow people's shit if you ain't gonna bring it back.

Justin Timberlake doesn't mind giving autographs, he should teach his girlfriend how. She could use her "ball point pen" but I have a feeling she won't like sticking her penis in ink.............

Winona Ryder once stole my heart

Do you think he'd autograph my clit for me?

with his tongue?

Cry Baby is the greatest movie of all time.

krisdylee, I can't autograph your clit, but I can stain it white.

You bring out the whore in all of us.

that man is so yummy

That is so sweet, I love Johnny Depp. He kind of seams like the type of guy that wouldn't want to sign autographs, kind of quiet and reserved.. but he's actually a rare celebrity who differentiates between fans and the paparazzi! He's really a nice guy and deserves everything he's worked for!

I'd kick a raccoon's ass using Paris Hilton for 10 minutes with this guy.

He's just really really cute! What's your fave Johnny Depp movie? I think I have to go with Gilbert Grape... he was just a really good actor in that movie.

pinky_nip...I'm sure you're just what he's looking for, lol.

HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT HOW 'BOUT NOT

omg lame banana is hostile 2day!

Do not respond to it.

great. now i can never watch whats eating gilbert grape ever again.

Remember! Don't feed the animal.

Fisher, no no no.

That top 10 best/worst list surprises me. I used to sell motorcycles at a Hollywood shop, I've seen who should be the best and the worst. Harrison Ford was cool about it all. People went running to grab polaroid shots with him, he was autographing them, shaking hands and just being a personable guy. Mel Gibson on the other hand offered a hand shake, no pics, no autographs, nada. To his credit, he explained that if people want to hero worship they should do it to someone worthy, doctors, teachers, etc. Not some guy who reads what someone else wrote in front of a camera.

I can't stand Cameron Diaz. She's a mediocre actress at best, and fuggity fug to boot. What are her redeeming qualities? I can think of zero, unless being a skank counts. She should be working at Hot Dog on a Stick and ho'ing it up at the mall.

Well France is a safe haven for people who don't want to bathe. And Johnny was living there with his thin tarty wife I think. I don't know she's a tart, but it sounds good to use in a sentence when talking about foreigners who like to live in an unbathed land.

So if Johnny is now residing in London and not bathing there either, well that's certainly news.

Oh and Mel Gibson rocks.

Ha! @ 31

I live in San Antonio right near Tommy Lee Jones and he's a caustic asshole to anyone who even looks in his general direction. Once, he went into the cigar shop where I used to work and was a total dick to the owner - who gave him a "who in the hell do you think you are?" (he really didn't know who he was) He then told my boss that he liked him and offered him a cigar to which boss said WTFever. He's even a dick to his family.

#54 - I think you can describe anyone who looks like they are sucking on a lemon as "tarty". Like I said the other day, I call myself a dirty, smelly, French gutter slut - even though the smelly/French part is redundant. That's where I work the Department of Redundancy Department.

Getting Cameron's autograph might go like this:

ME: Cameron over her big fan big fan

Cameron: You stooge, authographs are silly. Just a person's name writeen on a piece of paper or a picutre., Are yoiu going to sell it on ebay to someone even more worthlass then you. Her what are you going to do with this. Hmmmm? Sit around with your loser friends and talk about how you got my autograph? Hmmm What are you going to do? Huh, Well, Wellllllllll

Me: Wipes ass and hands it back.

@56
I'm kind of disappointed to hear that. I have this strange attraction to him, its not a sexual attraction really, I just like him.

@58
Wow. That was really weird, really unfunny, and DEEPLY in need of spellcheck.

Who cares if Cameron Diaz doesn't like to sign autographs? If she thinks they're stupid, so what? She's not obligated to sign pictures, and it's not like it's in the job discription.

"Cameron Diaz hates her fans"

Riiiight... because that's EXACTLY what it means.

And who are you to say whether or not autograph collects "deserves" a magazine? Obviously there must be some sort of reason why there is one. Because a lot of people, collectors or not, find it interesting.

LOL @60 was thinking same thing

@58 Aimtrue, you did that shit on purpose, write? Seriusly.......waz it?

Man, i love J. Depp. You never see him in the tabloids for all this crazy shit like LL and all are, and when he IS in the news it's because he's doing something fucking awesome.

Johnny's ok.
(But he should quit smoking)
( I like Frenchie's as well...)

Johnny Depp is a god *sigh*

# 3 LOL

Jack Sparrow can sign me all over my body DD's, ass, legs, head, ears...LOL whew!

If Johnny Depp likes skeletal woman I have to lose 250lbs. Let me see 350-250=100?
then maybe I'll have a chance...right!

I think it would be nice to ask Cameron to sign something from "The Mask" - just to remind her that she used to be cute once upon a time.

jacq...i love your posts...i'm almost stalker-like...i need a shrink...keep on keeping on...

I want Depp and Moss back together, shooting up and trashing hotels. I'd hit both of them simutaneously while Jolie did lines off my butt. When the fuck did these people become parents? What is wrong with the world????