Jun 2 2006Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz split
Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz have decided to separate. In a joint statement they say they've "decided to take time off as a couple. Due to busy work schedules and so much time apart, they mutually decided four weeks ago that separating was the best thing to do at this time." Plus the stench of weed coming out of McConaughey's house was probably a little overpowering for Cruz. And sure, the late night nude bongo sessions were fun at first, but it takes a little more than that to keep a woman interested. Although don't ask me why. I see a naked woman playing with her bongos and she's won my heart forever. Get it? Bongos? It's like you're in eighth grade all over again!
Jun 2 2006Lindsay Lohan doesn't like being called a fire crotch
In Touch reports Lindsay Lohan isn't satisfied with the written apology Brandon Davis issued after making fun of her with Paris Hilton last month, and apparently her lawyers have now sent Davis a letter warning that Lohan may sue him if he doesn't make a $250,000 charitable donation and release a videotaped apology to TV.
So basically Lindsay Lohan is insane. Last I checked this was America, not Nazi Germany. Where we've got the freedom to say whatever we want about whoever we want. I'd like to see this thing actually go to court. They'll both show up, Lindsay Lohan will accuse Davis of saying mean things, then the judge will start laughing and have her sentenced to death for being an idiot.
Jun 2 2006Colin Farrell is married
Colin Farrell was photographed with some fans recently sporting a wedding band which suggests he may have already married girlfriend Lake Bell. Or maybe he just likes wearing wedding bands because it helps him forget he's a man whore. "What sex tape? No, I don't sleep with a different dirty girl every other night. I'm married. As you can clearly tell from this thing I have on my finger."
Jun 1 2006Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman are dating
Star magazine reports Jake Gyllenhaal recently went on a date with Natalie Portman and showed up with a dozen pink tulips before they headed to dinner at The Spotted Pig. This is a huge step up considering his last serious girlfriend was Kirsten Dunst. Pretty much anybody would be a move in the right direction, but to go from Kirsten Dunst to Natalie Portman is like suddenly having a juicy cut of Kobe steak when all you've been eating for the last few years is human feces.
Some more shots of Jake and Natalie after the jump.
Continue Reading "Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman are dating"
Jun 1 2006Anna Nicole Smith confirms pregnancy
Anna Nicole Smith has confirmed on her official site that she is indeed pregnant. She says in her first video diary entry:
"Well, let me stop all the rumors. Yes. I am pregnant. I'm happy, I'm very, very happy about it. Things are goin' really, really good, and I'll be checking in and out periodically on the Web, and I'll let you see me as I'm growing."
I don't know if it's because she's pregnant or what, but Anna Nicole Smith actually sounds coherent here. I'm assuming this was take twelve or something, and in the first eleven takes she pulled off her top, screamed out TrimSpa, and tried to eat the camera because she had the munchies.
Jun 1 2006Lindsay Lohan has a shopping problem
Life & Style reports Lindsay Lohan spent over $1 million on clothes and accessories last year and is visiting a hypnotist to help her control her shopping.
“Her closets are overflowing with things like $8,000 Prada dresses and $2,000 Balenciaga bags,” according to her stylist Rachel Zoe. “She has so many clothes, she never even wears some of them!” The 19-year-old reportedly has been known to spend $100,000 a day, once allegedly blowing $20,000 in 20 minutes. “I don’t want to be the best-dressed person in the poorhouse,” Lohan said, reports L&S, which claims that the visits to the hypnotist are already working. During a May 23 stop at Rosasen in LA, she spent a relatively paltry $920. Lohan’s rep, however, didn’t mince words blasting the story. “That is just a bunch of crap,” she told The Scoop. “There’s no hypnotist. And Lindsay loves clothes, but the idea that she spent that much last year is completely stupid.”
I love how direct her rep is. You can tell she's sick of commenting on every little story the tabloids make up. If I had her number I'd call her every day and ask crazy shit like, "Is it true Lindsay Lohan was found naked in a club bathroom last night? No? How about the rumors that she flies around on a magic hippo in her underwear?"
Jun 1 2006Mariah Carey and her dog leave Hotel Gansevoort
Only Mariah Carey gets this dressed up to pretend to walk her dog. It's like she called up the press and was expecting photographers for the momentus occassion. "Oh look, photographers! If I had known I would've gotten more dressed up, but I'm just a mess this morning!" I'm just surprised the dog isn't wearing an outfit, because Mariah Carey seems like the kind of person that would dress her dog up in pretty dresses and put a tiara on its head. And also yell at the help for looking her in the eye.
Some more of Mariah and her dog after the jump.
Continue Reading "Mariah Carey and her dog leave Hotel Gansevoort"
May 31 2006Kevin Federline looks really really weird
The folks at Item magazine took K-Fed and cleaned him up for their upcoming issue. And the results are shocking. It's amazing what a sleazy goatee can do, because all they did was shave it off and suddenly he's unrecognizable. It's like I've forgetten he's a douchebag and want to discuss serious sociopolitical and economic issues with him or something. But then he'd start talking and acting like K-Fed again and I'd remember why I want to karate kick him the neck. And then I would. And then everybody would applaud my heroism and possibly give me a medal.
May 31 2006Kirsten Dunst is ignorant
Kirsten Dunst's newest film Marie Antoinette - in which she plays the French monarch - got booed at Cannes, and a reviewer for the London Times said her voice was “more Valleyspeak than Viennese.” Additionally, Dunst was asked by reporters how much she knew about French history and she said:
“If you grow up in France, you learn about French history, and if you grow up in America the French history is a smaller paragraph in your textbook. So I didn't know an enormous amount about Marie Antoinette except for the fact that she didn't say ‘Let them eat cake’ and was beheaded. That was pretty much what I'd learned in school.”
I don't know what school Kirsten Dunst went to but apparently it's one where they replaced text books with Saturday morning cartoons. A novel idea, but it's probably not a good sign when your understanding of Napoleon is that he's the Captain Crunch looking fellow who gets smashed with an anvil by Bugs Bunny.
May 31 2006Anna Nicole Smith still might be pregnant
Despite her lawyer's denial that she's not pregnant, Anna Nicole Smith was spotted at Los Angeles baby boutique Petit Tresor and a source says: "She and a female friend were looking at mostly pink onesies, pajamas and blankets. The kind of things you get when you first find out." Additionally, Smith allegedly looked "very pregnant" during a recent visit to Myrtle Beach where she's said to have rented a beachfront home.
"She was trying to conceal her stomach," says the source. "[But] there was no doubt!" Also in Myrtle Beach, according to the tipster, is Birkhead. His mere presence would put the lie to reports that he's going to make money and/or custody demands on Anna. But Birkhead has denied he's the father of the denied baby. So, unless those denials are denied, nobody should have a problem.
I'm really hoping Anna Nicole Smith isn't pregnant. Sure, she might inherit a bazillion dollars from the old dead guy she was humping, but all the money in the world can't save an infant from being accidentally stuffed into the toaster because it resembled a giant loaf of cheese bread.
May 31 2006Kevin Federline is a winner
Kevin Federline reportedly spent $300,000 on a new watch without telling Britney Spears, which is also the exact amount he was paid to record an album and tour in Japan. Additionally, Spears thinks K-Fed is responsible for leaking their private info to the tabloids by telling his friends stuff he knows they'll sell to papers.
“All he does is work on his music and try to find ways to get out,” a source told the mag. “That is all he cares about. It has taken a big toll on their marriage because he's not always there for her and he used to be.” What's more, Spears suspects that K-Fed is responsible for some of the leaks to the tabloids about the couple's private lives. “Britney knows Kevin tells his friends information, knowing they will leak it to tabloids,” a source close to Spears told Us. She has taken to not telling her hubby certain things — including that she was going to announce her pregnancy on David Letterman — for fear the info would be leaked to his buddies. “They sell stories for money. ... She is sick of him using her for them to profit.”
I'd feign surprise, but this is Kevin Federline we're talking about. She should just be glad he hasn't sold their house for some magic beans or something.
May 31 2006The Superficial Ketchup
• Ben Affleck continued to prove he's the most macho man alive by rushing to the emergency room after suffering a migraine. In a statement made Monday, his rep said: "Ben Affleck was treated for a migraine at Mt. Auburn Hospital in Cambridge, Mass., today. He was released this afternoon, and is recuperating at home." I bet when he sees a bee he runs around flailing his arms wildly and yelling: "Is it on me?!" Ya know, a real man's man.
• Michelle Rodriguez was released from jail after serving only 4 hours of her 60-day jail sentence. So basically she showed up for lunch and left. America's justice system at its finest.
• Angelina Jolie gave birth to Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt via C-section due to breech presentation. So for any Angelina Jolie wishing she had a big scar on her stomach from where they cut her open and removed her baby, today's your special day.
• Mira Sorvino gave birth to a baby boy yesterday at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles and named him Johnny. Although now I take back whatever bad things I said about celebrity baby naming because I'd much rather read about a Zolten or a Bluebell than some boring piece of crap like Johnny.
May 30 2006Nicole Richie hits the beach
Here are recent shots of Nicole Richie at a Malibu beach. She actually looks like she's put on a little weight, although her concave chest would suggest otherwise. Being skinny is one thing, competing with skeletons to see who can show off the most bone is another.
May 30 2006Brad Pitt and Anglina Jolie give money to Africa
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt celebrated giving birth to their first daughter by donating $300,000 to Namibia to help other impoverished babies. Additionally, they also gave $15,000 to construct a school and community center for the city of Swakopmund.
"We want to contribute to Namibia and the people who have been so gracious to us at this time," a government statement released yesterday quoted the couple as saying.
Considering nobody had ever heard of Namibia up until this little incident, it seems like the government should be paying them instead of the other way around. Sure they got a little privacy, but Namibia got to kick reporters out of their country and make up stories about their government officials naming the child. They're like the pathetic friend who brags about how they get to buy the cool kid lunch and do their homework for them.
May 30 2006Shaquille O'Neal arrests perverts
Remember when Shaquille O'Neal announced he wanted to be a U.S. marshal? Turns out he was serious. The 7 foot giant has reportedly helped make 30 busts against child pornography offenders, saying:
"I do not have to run after the people or tackle them. They always surrender peacefully," Shaq recently told Webster Hall's Baird Jones. "And I'm never afraid. When I arrive, they are really already under arrest." Shaq says he's not in it for the glory. "I am not a hero . . . My father was my hero growing up. He was an Army drill sergeant and an FBI agent."
I look forward to the day one of the silly perverts decides to run from the cops only to have Shaquille O'Neal swoop in and bite him in half. Because that's what giant people do. They bite other smaller people in half. It's like their trademark.
May 30 2006Gwen Stefani gives birth to Kingston James McGregor Rossdale
Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale gave birth to their first child together last Friday at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles, naming him Kingston James McGregor Rossdale. Her rep said over the weekend: "Gwen's doing great! She looks amazing and she's doing real good."
After other celebrities have gone with Zolten, Bluebell Madonna, and Shiloh, Kingston James McGregor Rossdale actually sounds like a really solid name. Although it's a shame they didn't keep up the tradition of celebrity baby naming and call him something like Hagar the Horrible.
May 30 2006Russell Crowe screws himself
Russell Crowe was replaced by Heath Ledger in an upcoming movie by Baz Luhrmann after demanding script approval. The producers told Luhrman to find another actor and he met with Ledger, eventually offering him the role.
"Baz liked him and offered him the movie," said one source. "Then Crowe came back to Luhrmann and said he'd forego script approval and wanted to do the movie, but they told him it was too late - to buzz off."
It's a shame Crowe didn't lose it after finding out he lost the part and beat everybody to death with a telephone. If he really wants the legend of Russell Crowe to live on he really needs to increase his 'beating to death' vs 'not beating to death' ratio. Anybody can act in movies, but the individuals history remembers are the guys that act in movies and murder people in uncontrollable fits of rage.
May 29 2006Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie give birth to Shiloh
I wasn't going to post today since it's Memorial Day and all that, but I didn't write anything over the weekend about the super baby being born and I figured I should. If you haven't already heard, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie gave birth to a baby girl on Saturday and have named her Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. There aren't any other details, but the birth reportedly went smoothly and everybody is currently in Namibia doing well. Although they've yet to explain how they came up with Shiloh. Either all the girl names were taken or they were just really hoping she came out as a dog. They might as well have named her Fido. Or Spot. Or McGruff. Because maybe when she grows up she'll take a bite out of crime.
