May 26 2006Victoria Silvstedt might be a slut
Victoria Silvstedt showed up to the Cinema Against AIDS event wearing a dress that prominently displayed her huge bozangas. Which is totally appropriate for an event against AIDS. I just wonder how she's going to top herself when she attends the annual Help Poor Orphans event. Maybe some lingerie? Or just totally nude? Either way, I'm sure it'll be classy.
May 26 2006Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe divorcing
Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe announced in January they were separating but had hopes of working through their troubles. Well apparently they've given up on that and have decided to just go ahead and divorce. Their lawyer tells People magazine:
"Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe have jointly decided to divorce," the couple's lawyer, Jeffrey A. Bernstein, tells PEOPLE. "They continue to be friends and have the utmost respect for one another."
If you're anything like me you probably already thought they were divorced. Up until a couple hours ago I didn't even know there was a difference between separating and divorcing and have been using the words interchangeably. So, uh, if I made any wild allegations before about people being divorced who aren't actually divorced that's my bad.
May 26 2006Denise Richards and Heather Locklear still at it
Heather Locklear and a friend supposedly parked outside Denise Richards' Westlake Village house and blasted Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" as some sort of weird prank to get back at her for dating her ex-husband, Richie Sambora. A friend of Locklear denies the story, saying: "It 100% never, ever happened." But a friend of Richards claims the opposite, saying: "It is 100% true."
True or not, that has to be the worst way to get back at somebody I've ever read. "You're dating my husband? Well I'm gonna listen to his music really really loudly! Take that, bitch!" It doesn't even make sense. It'd be like trying to get back at somebody for stealing your car by standing around their house discussing how reliable Toyota is.
May 25 2006Paris Hilton slips her nipple while filming music video
While filming the music video for her new single, Paris Hilton did what she does best: pulled her top off and flashed her breast.TMZ has the video, and in it you can see her writhing around on the beach trying to look sexy while pouring sand on herself. Although I'm not sure it's considered a nipple slip when you pull off your own top. It's more like undressing. She's must be so used to the motion she just randomly does it in public.
Continue Reading "Paris Hilton slips her nipple while filming music video"
May 25 2006Kate Moss goes nuts on the paparazzi
REMOVE AT REQUEST OF OWNER
Anybody can headbutt their assistant, but it takes a real supermodel to attack a complete stranger. Kate Moss recently lost it after seeing the paparazzi and started kicking them and going nuts on their equipment. If all it takes is a little cocaine to give a fragile skinny woman the power of a polar bear then I recommend they start handing the stuff out for free. Along with candy and maybe blowjobs.
May 25 2006Paris Hilton leaves LAX after arriving from Cannes
Can you imagine showing up to the airport and seeing this freak of nature there? The woman is like a real life cartoon character. I defy you to look at this picture and argue otherwise. It's not just the blue outfit and the pants covering her feet. It's also the hat. And the sunglasses. And her demeanor. And the fact that Paris Hilton is a goddamn cartoon character. I'm just surprised nobody mistook her for an alien and shot her. Because whenever I imagine cartoon aliens invading Earth this is pretty much what I'm picturing.
Continue Reading "Paris Hilton leaves LAX after arriving from Cannes"
May 25 2006Britney Spears writes poetry
Britney Spears posted a poem on her official site Saturday which she later took down and put back up. Sources are reporting that it's directed towards Kevin Federline because it sounds angry and their marriage is supposedly on the rocks, but a note at the bottom of the poem says: "This is for everyone who thinks they know me..." and includes a shot of her and some girls giving the finger. Which I can only interpret to mean she hates her fans and wants them to leave her alone. And fuck off. And die. I guess I'd be pretty angry too if I was married to Joe Dirt and my plans to kill my baby were thwarted by that meddlesome paparazzi. I hear at the end they pull off her face and it was really just Old Man Jenkins all along.
May 25 2006Jessica Simpson regrets stuff
Life & Style Weekly claims Jessica Simpson regrets breaking up with Nick Lachey and is "struggling with loneliness." Friends are pushing her to get back with Nick, and when she found out her TV pilot wouldn't be picked up she allegedly sent him an orchid and a basket of his favorite cookies.
“I’m tired of being alone,” Simpson told a friend, according to the mag. “I have no one to come home to, no one to call at the end of the night. I’m traveling all over the place by myself. When I was with Nick, I had someone who understood what I was going through.” The divorce lawyers are close to finalizing a deal, but some close to Simpson say that she hopes they’ll reconcile before the split is a done deal. “It would be explosive,” a “pal” told the mag, “and they’re both attracted to fireworks.”
I bet Jessica realized how hot she was on Newlyweds and jumped to the conclusion that Nick was the source of her sexy powers. It's stupid thinking, but who can blame her. Considering God gave her a walnut for a brain, it's a wonder she's not covered in burns from trying to shower in the oven.
May 25 2006Gisele Bundchen makes weird demands
According to Brazilian gossip sources, 26-year-old Gisele Bundchen has apparently sent out a decree saying she doesn't want to be photographed with models who are under 20 years old. There's no reason specified, but I'm assuming it's either because she thinks she's too good for the newbies or she's jealous of them. Either way, the moral of the story is that Gisele Bundchen is so hot sometimes my pants catch on fire from just looking at her. And I don't know if the guy in the picture is her dad or what, but there's no reason a man that ugly should ever be allowed to stand that close to somebody like Gisele. You don't mount a jar of poo next to the Mona Lisa. It's just not done.
May 25 2006Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn cozy up
Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn showed up to the afterparty for the premiere of The Break Up trying to act like they weren't together. However, they arrived just minutes apart and were spotted emerging from restrooms at almost the same time and running into each other in the small hallway where they hugged.
According to a witness, “They hugged quickly and looked like an effortless couple. They both looked relieved to see each other even if it was just for a quick minute before beginning their night apart.” “Jen looked so happy,” a partygoer tells Us. “She had a constant huge smile on her face.” At around midnight, after most of the guests had left, the two planned their separate getaways. “Vince was taking notice of Jen’s movements and when she left he definitely made it clear that he wanted to quickly follow and join her.”
This is pretty much a lose lose situation for Aniston and Vaughn. Even if they're not really a couple, tabloids can claim they are and just make up stories about them pretending otherwise. Pretty much the only way for them to prove they're not together is for one of them to murder the other. Preferably with the help of a monkey. I've yet to read about a murder involving a monkey and it's really something I'd like to see.
May 24 2006Brad Pitt pulls a Britney Spears
Looks like Brad Pitt has been taking child care lessons from Britney Spears. Last Thursday he went for a bicycle ride in Namibia with Maddox and Zahara but didn't properly secure Zahara in a child trailer, instead strapping her to his back in a blue papoose without a helmet. According to the author of The Safe Baby:
"[Zahara] needs a helmet and closed-toe shoes," Holtzman tells Us Weekly, which features photos of the outing in its new issue. "And I highly recommend toddlers ride in a child trailer pulled by a bike. It's more stable and secure." Baby Talk senior editor Christina Vercelletto agreed. Makers of the baby-pack "specifically say, 'Do not use while riding a bike,'" Vercelletto told us. "[It] will affect your balance. The safest place for her would be in a toddler bike seat."
It's encouraging to see Brad Pitt isn't as good at parenting as he is at looking really really good without a shirt on. The only hope the rest of us have as human beings is that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will be so bad at parenting their child doesn't make it past age 12. Because if that genetically perfect son of a bitch reaches adulthood it'll pretty much rule the world. Imagine the power of supermodels, but multiplied by 86 bazillion.
May 24 2006Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are fighting
Life & Style Weekly reports Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got into a big fight which resulted in Holmes leaving Cruise behind and heading to Ohio to introduce baby Suri to family and friends.
“He told Katie he wasn’t going, considering the bad relations between him and her family,” an “insider” told the mag. “Katie was really happy he said that, because she’d been afraid to admit to him that she didn’t want him to go.” The couple allegedly had a “huge argument” which ended with Katie declaring, “I’m doing this and you can’t stop me.” A “confidant” of hers told the mag: “Katie’s very unhappy and beginning to realize she may have made a major mistake being with Tom.”
It's hard to imagine it's taken Katie Holmes this long to realize being with Tom Cruise was a bad idea. It'd be like if she fell into a tiger cage and waited until after it ate both her legs and started on her arms before thinking to herself, "Hey, I'm not sure how happy I am about this tiger situation." Only replace the tiger with Tom Cruise. And replace the eating of body parts with the enslavement of her soul.
May 24 2006Geri Halliwell and Penn Jillette are idiots
Geri Halliwell and Penn Jillette are apparently competing in an unofficial contest to see who can come up with the worse baby name. Jillette and his wife named their baby boy Zolten Penn Jillette, saying in a statement: "Zolten is a common Hungarian name, it's my wife's maiden name and most importantly, it's the name of Dracula's dog." Not to be outdone, Geri Halliwell announced that she named her daughter Bluebell Madonna Halliwell after a rare flower and, well, Madonna.
"But what really clinched it for me was my mother telling me that the bluebell is increasingly rare--so it's [a] precious flower, which seems just right for my daughter," Halliwell said. "As she came out of my tummy, Bluebell had both arms flung wide in the air as if announcing to the world, 'Hi! I'm here!' She was screaming her head off, as though she was shouting, 'Hello, Wembley!' No one else has that name, apart from the Virgin Madonna and the singer, whom I love."
They should make it a prerequisite for pregnancy that you not be stupid enough to name your child after Dracula's dog or some dumb flower. They take kids away for being abused by their parents, but being named Zolten or Bluebell has to be way worse than a smack across the face. There's pretty much zero chance of Bluebell going through life without adopting the nickname "Blue Balls." Just typing this post I almost typed "Blue Balls" by accident like eight times.
May 23 2006Pete Wentz still taking inappropriate pictures of himself
I'm not going to pretend I know what's wrong with Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz because I don't. All I know is he's obsessed with taking pictures of himself and his crotch. If you don't want pictures of you and your penis all over the internet, don't send them to a bunch of random people on your mailing list. He's like a 14 year old girl on MySpace. But a guy. And in a hugely popular band. It's confusing.
Here's the email the pictures were attached to:
-----Original Message-----
To: xxx@fueledbyramen.com, xxx@friendsorenemies.com
Subject: NEW PIX!
From: Petey Wentz
Date: Mon, 22 May 2006 12:37:32
hey guys.. i took some more pics. let me know what you think.
DON'T LET THESE GET OUT TO ANYONE!
p.s. the new hush sound cd rules
--peteywentz
More pictures of Pete Wentz and his hairy crotch after the jump. LSFW due to an over abundance of pubic hair. He's like a ferret he is. Thanks to Hayson for the tip. And for having a name I keep reading as Hanson.
UPDATE: Just because the photos are part of a promotional campaign for some band and were "leaked" on purpose doesn't mean there's not something very wrong with Pete Wentz.
Continue Reading "Pete Wentz still taking inappropriate pictures of himself"
May 23 2006Tara Reid at Cannes
I take back whatever nonsense I said before about Tara Reid transforming into a decent girl, because clearly she's still going the route of the dirty slut. I'm all for short skirts that look like they're a strong breeze away from falling apart, but only if you've got the body for it. And that body does not include having a negative ass and nipples so powerful they can poke through a shirt and jacket. They're like Superman, but instead of fighting crime they fight the constrictive covering of clothes.
May 23 2006Brad Pitt skips Cannes, skips baby naming
Brad Pitt sent an email to the Cannes FIlm Festival today saying he couldn't attend due to the the "imminent arrival" of his new baby. Additionally, it's being reported that he and Angelina Jolie are going to let Namibian Governor Samuel Nuuyoma name their new baby. He's become a close personal friend and helped them find a safe haven in Africa.
According to American publication In Touch, Nuuyoma will stage a news conference on Friday to announce his part in the christening. The announcement has prompted many to believe Jolie has already given birth. A Namibian official tells In Touch, "It's true. This is a great honour for Namibia and everyone is very excited." The source explains that local custom will prompt Nuuyoma to visit Jolie when she goes into labour and officially name the baby.
I have no idea what native Namibian names sound like but I'm hoping they're horribly unfitting for a white kid. Like Shaniqua. Or Afroman. Or maybe just a series of clicks and whistles. Because everything I've learned about Africa I've learned through sketch comedy shows.
May 23 2006Paris Hilton gets paid for nothing
In case you've wondered how Paris Hilton makes her money, apparently she gets paid tons of cheddar (I'm gangster, yo) by idiots who want her to show up to their events. She was paid $200,000 just for appearing at a charity event in Cannes on Saturday, and was also reportedly paid $1 million to show up for a similar event in Vienna a few weeks ago.
"All I had to do was wave, like this," she said, imitating Queen Elizabeth II's stately palm swivel.
If that's not the most disgusting thing you've ever read then you are a vile and disgusting human being who reads about things way more disgusting than a normal person should be reading about. I saw a man drink his own vomit after throwing up into his beer and just chuckled. But after reading about Paris getting paid $1 million to wave? This must be how Jews feel when they read about the Holocaust.
May 23 2006Britney Spears loves her money
Despite posting on her website that she gave up Kabbalah for her baby, the more precise reason may be because they were pressuring too hard to get her money. A source says:
“She’s tired of the way [Kabbalah leaders] kept hassling her for money. Actually, it was mostly her mother’s decision. They were always asking Britney to tithe [donate a percentage of her salary]. There was a lot of pressure, and finally her mom said, ‘Enough is enough’.”
I'd be pretty skeptical about a religion too if they asked me to pay $26 for a red string and then tried to milk a few mllion more from me because they knew I was filthy stinking rich. Sure, Madonna fell for it, but she also thinks fake crucifying yourself doesn't make you a complete ass hat.
Some more pics of Britney Spears wearing weird-fitting jeans after the jump.
May 23 2006The Superficial Ketchup
• Madonna kicked off her new tour by crucifying herself on a giant mirrored cross and wearing a crown of thorns. The difference between Madonna and Jesus? When Jesus did it everybody in the world didn't want to punch him in the face.
• Michelle Rodriguez is heading back to jail after violating her probation. If the system really wants to keep people out maybe they should make the experience less like magical fairy camp and more like the hellish nightmare it's supposed to be.
• Die Hard 4 is coming, despite Bruce Willis being old, fat, and possibly in need of adult diapers.
• Nicole Ritchie and DJ AM allegedy broke up last week because of Nicole's weight problems. Although most guys usually break things off when their girlfriend no longer fits through the door, not because they're starting to look like models.
May 22 2006Paris Hilton delays album again
After months of delay, Paris Hilton's debut album has been pushed back again. This time it's because she wants to include a cover of Gnarls Barkley's Crazy on her CD, meaning all the details have to be worked out and it won't be released on the expected date. A source tells the Daily Star:
"It's just Paris's latest idea and because she shares a label with Gnarls, she thinks that it will all be a piece of cake. The chances of it happening are minute, but everything has to go on pause again while it's all discussed. That means the album won't now be out until about September. At first it was July, then August. It keeps nearly getting finished and then something else happens."
I refuse to believe there's anybody seriously looking forward to Paris Hilton's new album. Maybe fans of humor but that's it. Because if anybody stupid enough to actually buy her album hasn't already accidentally killed themselves I've lost all faith in natural selection. And now for no reason at all, here's Paris Hilton almost falling out of her top at Cannes.
May 22 2006Lindsay Lohan moves in on Stavros Niarchos
Lindsay Lohan has fueled rumors she's swooped in on Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos after being spotted with him all last week. Witnesses say they "kissed and held hands" at Butter on Monday, and were also spotted at Bungalow 8 and the Chelsea Lounge. A source tells the NY Daily News:
"Lindsay went back with him that night to his hotel room," one source tells me. "He was staying at Soho House, but her room was crosstown at the Mercer." The two intersected twice last week at Bungalow 8, although they apparently left separately. Most recently, young Stavros exited the Chelsea lounge around 2:45 a.m. Friday, while Lindsay was still inside when my spy called it a night at 3:30.
You'd think these girls could use their fame to meet some new guys by now, instead of just recycling each others' boyfriends. Although I can see the appeal of Stavros' $275 million inheritance. It's hard to resist a guy when he tells you he has so much money he can buy you a unicorn. And means it.
May 22 2006Kate Moss beats up Pete Doherty again
After reading about Pete Doherty spraying his blood on two MTV cameramen, Kate Moss apparently called him to her home in London and, after he showed up to her house at 5 AM, started "kicking and punching him in the street." Doherty says:
"She was angry about the blood spraying thing. She beat the crap out of me. She layed into me punching and kicking. I'm alright, but she hurt my finger. I couldn't do anything back, because she's a girl."
Pete's kind of all over the place when it comes to his ethics. Defending yourself against girls is wrong, but drawing their blood when they're passed out in your kitchen is okay. As is stealing cars, doing drugs, and spraying your blood on total strangers. If his brain was a book, I imagine it'd just be page after page of crayon drawings.
May 22 2006Tommy Hilfiger and Axl Rose fight to the death
Tommy Hilfiger and Axl Rose spent Thursday night at a new club called The Plumm in New York, but Hilfiger ended up punching Axl repeatedly after he moved his girlfriend's drink.
"I moved his girlfriend's drink so it wouldn't spill," Rose told the Los Angeles radio station KROQ on Friday. "It was the most surreal thing, I think, that's ever happened to me in my life." According to the 44-year-old singer, Hilfiger, 55, smacked him in the arm and told him to put the drink back. "He just kept smacking me," Rose said. Rose was there to play a surprise set for "Rent" actress Rosario Dawson for her 27th birthday party. Rose did perform, and dedicated the song "You're Crazy" to "my good friend Tommy Hilfiger."
Yeah, I'd say being punched repeatedly by Tommy Hilfiger qualifies as surreal. It'd be like sharing a bathroom with Brad Pitt and catching him taking peaks over the urinal, occasionally complimenting you on how large and perfectly shaped your penis is. How are you supposed to react to that? I mean, I just punched him in the face and ran out the door sceaming, but there's probably a more civilized way to deal with that knd of thing.
May 22 2006Britney Spears has a breakdown
After Thursday's incident where Britney Spears almost dropped her baby and made a weird comment about owning a gun, she went into a restaurant with an unidentified friend and broke down into tears, trying to cover up her crying by shielding her face with Sean Preston. I'd feel bad for her, but crying doesn't make up for being a horrible parent. If the only way she'll own up to her mistakes is from pressure by the press then so be it. I can sympathize with Britney, but her happiness means nothing when compared to the well being of her child. Now cue some dramatic music and a shot of a guy looking somber.
Some more images of Britney crying after the jump. Make sure you note the outfit, because it's totally appropriate for a parent. And by parent I mean prostitute.
May 22 2006Jodie Foster embarrasses herself
Jodie Foster was a guest speaker at Penn's 250th Commencement and quoted Eminem's "Lose Yourself" as the final message to the graduates. The only explanation I can come up with is she's sick of winning Academy Awards and now wants to go for the coveted "Lamest Speech" award. In which case she's won it. Hands down. Unanimous decision. Two thumbs up.
May 22 2006Elton John really really hates photographers
While presenting the Chopard Trophy to Kevin Zegers at Cannes Saturday, Elton John was interrupted by a photographer during his speech and lost it.
"He (Zegers) is only 21 years old, already he showed incredible talent and maturity," said John, wearing dark glasses and accompanied by actress Elizabeth Hurley. "I sincerely believe he will be a huge star and a great actor for many, many years to come." Then, as photographers called out during his address, he added: "If you saw 'Transamerica' ... I'm talking ... you fuckwit, fucking photographers you should be shot, you should be all shot. Thank you." After handing the award to a smiling Zegers, he added: "They are a nightmare."
You never know what that silly little man is gonna do next. One day he's wearing glasses the size of my bed and the next he's telling photographers to go get shot and die. He's like Robin Williams with Tourette's, only replace the out of control body hair with flashy suits made of purple zebra skin and polka dots.
May 22 2006Martha Stewart makes up with Donald Trump
Martha Stewart and Donald Trump had a recent fallout over Martha's version of The Apprentice, but apparently they've patched things up after Martha called up Los Angeles baby store Petit Tresor and bought a fake fur baby blanket for Donald's new son, Barron Trump. Her rep says:
“She wanted something very special and very unique.”
I guess Martha Stewart isn't the master of gift-giving I thought she was. A fake fur baby blanket is decent, but it's not nearly as good as my gift: an ostrich dipped in gold. You lose, bitch.
