May 19 2006Britney Spears almost drops Sean Preston
This is old news by now, but I'm still feeling like Ebola has a death grip on me and I've been pretty much living in bed. Anyways, Britney Spears was leaving the Ritz Carlton in New York City yesterday, with a drink in one hand and her baby in the other, when she tripped and almost dropped Sean Preston. His head dropped back and his hat fell off before Britney finally regained her balance. After the incident Spears said, "This is why I need a gun."
I'm not entirely sure how Britney owning a gun would prevent her from dropping her baby. I guess you wouldn't be worried about dropping your baby if you've already accidentally shot it in the face.
May 18 2006The Superficial Ketchup
Sorry for the lack of posts. I wasn't feeling so great and a doctor told me sleeping until 3 PM would be the best solution. And who am I to argue with medicine?
Britney Spears seems awfully glad that a creepy man with a mustache is trying to kidnap her baby. And I'm pretty sure an orange muumuu isn't considered an acceptable outfit by any standards.
• Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have split amicably after four years of marriage. Although after he realizes she can take up to $376 million of his fortune you can replace 'amicably' with 'violenty.'
• As if Brett Ratner wasn't pervy enough, now he's saying he wants to photograph Lindsay Lohan naked. Maybe tomorrow he can hang out at the YMCA with a van and some candy. And a sticker on the side of his van that says "The Pervertmobile."
• John Stamos reveals everything you never wanted to know about his personal life on Howard Stern, including that Denise Richards' kids ruined his game, Heather Locklear invited him up to her hotel room, and Teri Hatcher tried to kiss him to make Ryan Seacrest jealous.
• David Spade and Heather Locklear have split up. I wish you could see my face through your monitor because my jaw is on the floor. Shocked am I. Who could've suspected that a relationshp between a gorgeous blonde and a midget elf wouldn't last?
May 17 2006Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis hate Lindsay Lohan
This is one of the oddest celebrity videos you'll ever see. Last night Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis were club hopping in LA and Davis started ranting on Lindsay Lohan with Hilton laughing it up behind him. Among his insults are saying that Lohan's dad is hotter than her, she smells like diarrhea, and she has a fire crotch. At one point Davis - the son of dead billionaire Marvin Davis - says: "I think she's worth about seven million, which means she's really poor. It's disgusting. She lives in a motel."
Fuck yes. I hadn't heard of Brandon Davis until this little incident, but he acts the way super rich people are supposed to act. He should drive up and down Rodeo Drive pointing at people from his Bentley and call them all hobos. "Look at that fucker in the Mercedes. He must work at McDonalds or something."
May 17 2006You haven't been banned
You've probably noticed the comments have been acting weird lately. We've enabled a new authentication system so that only people who are approved can post comments. This is to weed out people who go way off topic and ruin the experience for people who aren't socially inept. It's taken us awhile to go through and approve everybody so your comments might not show up for a few hours until we get to you. Once approved though, your comments should appear immediately and you'll never receive the comment message ever again.
Don't worry, you haven't been banned. For now we're approving everybody, but we're going to do a better job of monitoring comments since they've been getting out of hand lately. This should help us remove the annoying commenters and prevent them from just creating another account once they've been banned.
NOTE: Don't do the "first" thing. It won't get you banned, but pretty much every other commenter thinks it's lame. If you have to do it, at least say something other than just '"first."
May 17 2006Matt Leinart ashamed of Paris Hilton
Former USC star Matt Leinart was told to stay out of trouble by his new team, the Arizona Cardinals, warning him that if he's serious about football he shouldn't be photographed out late dancing and drinking with Paris Hilton. A source tells Star: “Matt took it very seriously. Almost to the point of tears.”
You'd think a big famous football player like Leinart wouldn't be such a pussy and break into tears just because his team pointed out his girlfriend sucks. Although if he was banging Jessica Alba you know they'd be giving him high fives and butt slaps, but since it's Paris Hilton they have to warn him to stay away. I figure they must be afraid he'll give them all herpes in the showers. Which wouldn't normally be possible, except Paris Hilton has evolved her very own form of super herpes. People have caught it just by staring too long at her crotch.
May 17 2006Kate Moss loves charity
Kate Moss shared a lesbian kiss with British socialite Jemima Khan for a charity donation of $108,000. She was supposed to kiss business tycoon Philip Green after he made the winning bid at a charity auction for the Hoping Foundation For Palestinian Refugee Children, but Green declined to accept the one-minute kiss in front of his wife and handed it over to the person he outbid - Hugh Grant's girlfriend Khan.
This is further proof that Kate Moss is better than Pete Doherty in every possible way. Instead of trying to give people STD's by sticking them with needles or squirting them with blood, Moss just makes out with women. Which, on my list of Top 10 things in the Universe, comes in at numbers 1 through 5, followed closely by evil space ninjas and pizza.
May 17 2006Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera fight like cats
Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera are supposedly in the middle of a small feud, which started up when Aguilera mentioned Mariah in her recent interview with GQ.
"One time, we were at a party and I think she got really drunk, and she had just really derogatory things to say to me," Aguilera told the magazine. "But it was at that time that she had that breakdown, so she might have been very medicated."In response to Aguilera's comments, Carey told Access Hollywood, "I had hoped that Christina was in a better place now than the last time I saw her, when she showed up uninvited at one of my parties and displayed questionable behavior. It is sad yet predictable that she would use my name at this time to reinvent past incidents for her promotional gain," Carey added. "It is in my heart to forgive and I will keep her in my prayers."
Aguilera seems ready for a truce. "I do not want any bad energy with anyone," she told Access when contacted for comment. "My intentions were not to upset Mariah with any statements that were published or taken out of context. I have all the respect in the world for her."
I was really hoping they would settle this with some sort of diva contest. Like who could make the most ridiculous demand, or who could sing the highest note. They can both reach supersonic levels so I'm really curious as to who would win. They can set it so that whoever's the first to make a dog bleed from the ears and die is the winner.
May 17 2006Pete Doherty sprays his blood
In an interview this week, Pete Doherty lived up to his 'stupid bastard' title and squirted a cameraman with a syringe filled with his own blood. The interview was being conducted with Doherty's band wihtout him, and halfway through he showed up with the syringe and squirted the camera with his blood.
Apparently pleased at his handiwork, the convicted drug addict said "that was a wicked shot, that's going to make a cracking link that is", before leaving the room. The rest of the group were not so impressed, however, McConnell apologising to MTV for his lead singer's behaviour, saying: "I think the interview is over my friend. I'm really sorry about that mate." The Sun also alleges that Doherty injected himself with heroin in full view of onlookers prior to the gig. A source told the newspaper: "He seemed to be injecting heroin and didn't care who saw him. "The camera guys were worried they might have picked something up from the blood."
Getting squirted with Pete Doherty's blood has to be the most frightening experience in the world. Second only to being exposed to Ebola or accidentally falling on a pile of Paris Hilton's underwear.
May 17 2006Nicole Kidman is engaged
Nicole Kidman hosted the 30th Anniversary gala for UNIFEM on Saturday and confirmed that Keith Urban was not only her date, but also her fiance. She tells People magazine: "He's actually my fiance. I wouldn't be bringing my boyfriend."
It's about time Nicole Kidman finally made her move against Tom Cruise. Besides abandoning their children in a warehouse somewhere, she's yet to make a move in this epic struggle of one uppism. If she's going to top Katie Holmes giving birth she better come up with something fast. Like doing it with Keith Urban and then releasing a statement detailing how much larger Urban's penis is than Tom Cruise's. And how much more enjoyable sex is with somebody who doesn't ask you to put on a fake mustache and cowboy hat.
May 17 2006Janice Dickinson thinks Britney Spears is a hick
Janice Dickinson told The Book Standard that Britney Spears is in desperate need of a makeover and should dump Kevin Federline. She says:
“I never found him hot at all. But she’s a hick anyway. She needs to get hot again. Stop clomping around in those Malibu flip-flops. I would tar and feather her first of all, tell her to dump that [bleeping] hick husband of hers. She needs solid advice, and not from Hicksville.”
You know things have gone bad when you're getting unsolicited criticism from Janice Dickinson. The woman shows up to events looking like a whorish wax version of herself, so her explaining how terrible you look is like Steve Urkel calling you a nerd. Or AC Slater making fun of your mullet.
May 16 2006Lindsay Lohan still likes tights
Lindsay Lohan showed up to Butter Nighclub in New York City with her bra exposed, her signature tights, and the largest bag I've ever seen worn by a human being. It's at least twice as large as her friends, and it makes me wonder what could be inside. Drug paraphernalia? Alcohol? A Chinese contortionist? The possiblities are endless!
May 16 2006Mandy Moore calls Fez a liar
Mandy Moore is responding to claims by Wilmer Valderrama that she lost her virginity to him, insisting that he's lying about the whole thing. Fez appeared on the Howard Stern radio show last month and talked about how he was the first person to sleep with Mandy Moore, as well as having done it with Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson, and Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Moore maintains the claim is "utterly tacky, not even true, and it hurt my feelings because I like him." Love Hewitt has also lashed out saying, "I was told that we had all these very steamy encounters and I was like, 'Really! Well, I would have loved to have been there!'"
Finally the source of Wilmer Valderrama's power has revealed itself: lying. I guess it's pretty easy to hook up with a bunch of women if you make the whole thing up. And even easier if you slip them a roofie. Which I can only assume was his backup plan.
May 16 2006Britney Spears still trying to kill her baby
Britney Spears is up to her crazy baby-killing antics again, and has been photographed with an improperly installed child safety seat facing forward instead of backwards.
"It's far safer if the seat is facing backwards to avoid head-on injuries and whiplash in case of a collision," said California Highway Patrol spokesman Tom Marshall. Spears, 24, "could be" cited for violating Section 27360 of the California Vehicle Code, which says child safety seats must be installed to comply with the federal standard. "We would have to witness the violation. We can't issue a citation from a photograph," Marshall said. "It's a bit of a gray area," he added, because state code doesn't specify the backward installation - a federal regulation does. Spears' rep did not return calls for comment yesterday. "We strongly urge anyone who is uncertain of how to install a car seat to come down to one of our headquarters and get help. We offer that service free of charge," said Marshall.
You'd think Britney Spears would have done a little research on how to raise a baby, but it really looks like she's just winging the whole thing. At this rate the baby will end up tied to the hood of the car with rope, taped to the door, and possibly just placed in the trunk. Because hey, people can't yell at you about your baby if they can't actually see it.
May 16 2006Adriana Lima is moody
Adriana Lima threw a fit during her boyfriend's birthday party last Friday. They were celebrating billionaire Prince Wence of Lichtenstein's birthday at P.M. Lounge and when Adriana arrived - late by the way - she walked up to Wence and slapped him across the face.
"Then she went to the bar with a girlfriend," said a bystander. "Ten minutes later, she came back, picked up the prince's jacket, grabbed him by the arm and pulled him out the door."
That's the price you pay if you want to date somebody as testicle kickingly beautiful as Adriana Lima. It's scientifically impossible to be as gorgeous as Adriana and not have horrible personality problems. And just for the record, if you're a woman and don't look like Adriana you've failed horribly. You might as well just cut off your face, you big ugly.
May 16 2006Gwyneth Paltrow is the most expensive yoga instructor ever
Gwyneth Paltrow offered a private yoga lesson for Prince Charles' charity and a fan has paid over $50,000 for the opportunity, with all of the cash being donated to the chaity.
“Someone has spent a great deal of money on it so I’m going to have to really come up with an excellent plan. Unfortunately, I can’t do it in the nude or anything to make it really exceptional — but I will try and come up with a good plan for a yoga lesson.”
I'm pretty sure nobody expected her to do the lesson nude, although for $50,000 I wouldn't be surprised if the buyer ended up stripping naked and attacking her anyways. When you pay $50,000 for a yoga lesson, you sure as hell don't expect to just sit there and stretch. At least not as long as your penis still works.
May 16 2006Paris Hilton is a victim of thievery
Paris Hilton sent a collection of Christian Dior products running nearly $10,000 to her mom for Mother's Day - including shoes, purses, sunglasses, and perfumes - but according to her reps the package was stolen.
"A delivery person from Christian Dior delivered the items to the residence, and set the package down on the sidewalk while trying to work the intercom system. At this point, a person came along and grabbed the items." The Hiltons spent Mother's Day at the trendy restaurant the Ivy. Photogs asked Paris about the incident and she confirmed it: "Yeah, someone stole it."
Damn, woman, just admit you forgot it was Mother's Day. You don't have to make up a ridiculous story about your $10,000 gift basket being stolen. She might as well have thrown in that there was also an original painting by DaVinci, three Fabergé eggs, and a baby dodo bird.
And for no reason at all except that they made me chuckle, here's pictures of Paris Hilton shopping for stuff while dressed as an elf. Or a leprechaun. Or a Peter Pan impersonator. I'm not really sure which.
May 16 2006Madonna spotted without wedding ring
Madonna was photographed in Los Angeles recently without her wedding ring on, acknowleding that her marriage to Guy Ritchie has a hit rough patch. Her rep insists it's not a big deal though, saying: “I don’t think there’s any particular meaning to that. She does not always wear her wedding band.”
Just because somebody does something often doesn't mean it's insignificant. I bench press cars all the time but that doesn't mean I'm not a freakishly strong human being with chiseled good looks and a beast in bed. Call me, ladies.
May 16 2006OJ Simpson still juicing
In case you needed visual proof that OJ Simpson's prank DVD Juiced was real, here's a NSFW clip featuring OJ rapping to what I can only assume is the intro. And yes, it's every bit as depressing as it sounds. For those of you who were worried the DVD wouldn't be a classy affair, rest easy. Because there's plenty of gratuitous nudity to prove otherwise, with OJ dressed in a variety of silly costumes and surrounded by a group of half naked strippers. Throw in a guy with a monocle and this could very well be the classiest DVD to ever be released in the history of motion picture.
May 15 2006Tara Reid is transforming
This is supposedly Tara Reid, but I just can't see it. Besides looking like a completely different person, she's missing the signature Tara Reid signs. No drunken stumbling around the floor, no boobs flying out of her top, and no complete strangers with their hands on her ass. If she keeps this up she might actually become a functioning member of society as opposed to a living example parents use when warning their children about the dangers of drinking while pregnant.
Some more of Tara Reid not looking like Tara Reid after the jump.
May 15 2006Britney Spears coming to her senses
Britney Spears says she's given up Kabbalah and replaced it with her son. Last Friday she made a posting on her official site saying: "I no longer study Kaballah [sic], my baby is my religion."
She probably wasn't too into it in the first place considering she can't even spell it right. Plus after seeing the way her life is turning out what else is she supposed to assume except that Kabbalah has failed her.
May 15 2006Brooke Shields and Katie Holmes still being coincidental
Not only did Brooke Shields and Katie Holmes give birth on the same day in the same hospital, but now they're wearing the exact same Cartier Love bracelets. Brooke has been wearing hers for awhile and Katie was just given hers by Tom Cruise as a Mother's Day gift.
“She was spotted wearing the bracelet at her first public appearance since the arrival of [daughter] Suri at the L.A. ‘Mission: Impossible 3’ premiere,” a source tells the Scoop. “Since then, it appears Katie hasn’t taken Tom’s token of love off her wrist.” Shields has worn the bracelet a little longer. “I doubt Britney [Spears] will get any such item from her hubby,” quips the source, “but I guess a gal can dream!”
It's pretty clear Tom Cruise is so obsessed with Brooke Shields he's trying to turn his wife into her. She was the first person to expose his insanity and now he hates her so much he has to have her. Like that scene in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon when Ziyi Zhang is fighting with the barbarian dude and then all of a sudden they're making out. Love works in mysterious ways.
May 15 2006Meg Ryan is a crazy cat lady
There's really no explanation for these pictures of Meg Ryan so I'm not even going to try. Let's just be glad these aren't pictures of her urinating on the sidewalk or trying to dig food out of a dumptser.
Some more of Meg Ryan after the jump.
May 15 2006Johnny Depp can write his name
Autograph Collector magazine has put Johnny Depp at the top of their 14th annual survey of Hollywood's best autograph signers followed by George Clooney. And topping the list of worst signers is Cameron Diaz, who not only refuses to sign autographs but also lectures fans on how lame they are.
"Many stars become bad signers once fame and fortune hits, but not Depp. He's even signed autographs for crowds at the airport while carrying luggage," said Steve Cyrkin, editor and publisher of the Santa Ana, Calif.-based magazine. As for Clooney, "he'll joke as he signs, and make fun of how he looks in photos he's handed to autograph," Cyrkin said. "Cameron Diaz may be a talented actress, but she's persistently a terrible signer. Instead of just turning down a person's autograph request, she'll lecture them about how dumb autographs are."
The only thing more amusing than reading about how Cameron Diaz hates her fans is reading about how a magazine called Autograph Collector magazine actually exists. I'm not saying autograph collecting isn't a real interest, I'm just not sure it deserves an entire dedicated publication for the subject. It's not pornography.
May 15 2006Britney Spears has a mystery man
Britney Spears was photographed recently with a strange new man holding her baby. I'm speculating she's either cheating with him or he's the new nanny. Although I'm leaning towards the adultery theory, since my understanding of nannies is based entirely on Hollywood stereotypes. And I'm about 70% sure he isn't a fat Mexican woman.
One more shot of Kevin Federline's new competition after the jump.
May 15 2006Paris Hilton gives up fur
Paris Hilton is allegedly telling her friends that she's given up her fur coats after being targeted by PETA. An insider says her decision came after watching a gruesome exposé of the Chinese fur trade on PETATV.com. She even went so far as to tell Pamela Anderson she wants to be a public spokesperson against fur.
“Paris wrote in her book that she loves animals and wears only fake fur and then showed up at a party looking like Bigfoot in a real fur outfit,” says the source. “It could be that she really didn’t know what she was wearing and needs to send a memo to her stylists so that her ethics match her outfit.”
I always picture Paris saying crazy stuff she doesn't mean because she's just so completely clueless. So when they say Paris has given up fur and is speaking out against it, I picture her saying how horrible fur is, all the while putting on a brand new mink coat. And then when one of her assistants points it out she just replies, "Oh this? You like it? It's made out of soft animals. I love fur!"
May 15 2006Charlie Sheen still not allowed to kill Denise Richards
Last Friday Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards agreed to extend the restraining order against Charlie to July 13 so a psychologist can evaluate and make a decision regarding the custody arrangement for their two children.
Although there's no reason a custody decision should take this long for these two. Here's the sequence of events that should occur, and it shouldn't take more than half an hour tops: the judge reads a list of the horrible things Sheen has done to Richards, watches Richards' threesome sex scene in Wild Things, takes off his pants, gives a standing ovation, and then awards Denise Richards the kids. Case closed.
