May 12 2006OJ Simpson still alive, juicing people
And the winner for most pathetic human being of the week goes to OJ Simpson for releasing a hidden-camera prank DVD called Juiced in which he pretends to sell his getaway car, the white Ford Bronco, and engages in some other inhumanly stupid "pranks." In the Ford Bronco bit, he's selling the vehicle at a used car lot and tells the buyer:
"It was good for me - it helped me get away. It's a car that I personally made famous. The car has escapability, if you ever get into some trouble." In other none-too-side-splitting stunts on the yet-to-be released DVD, the double-murder acquitee poses as a rapper, an elderly white man in a bingo game for senior citizens, a windshield-washer and a pizza delivery man. While cash-strapped Simpson is eager to hawk the DVD, it's unclear whether any profits will go directly to the families of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, whom Simpson was ordered to pay $33.5 million after being found liable for their deaths in a civil suit. Goldman's father, Fred, tells "Inside Edition" that any profits Simpson makes from "Juiced" will be "blood money."
You know the difference between Punk'd and Juiced? Ashton Kutcher pranks celebrities with elaborate stunts whereas OJ Simpson pranks regular folks by joking about how he's murders people. I don't understand how him dressing up as a windshield washer or a pizza delivery guy is supposed to be funny. Does he rip off his costume at the end, stab them in the face and yell, "You've been Juiced!" Because I'm pretty sure he just stole that from a Mad TV skit from like 8 years ago.
May 12 2006Cindy Crawford at Roberto Cavalli Vodka launch
I don't know what's happening to Cindy Crawford but I'm blaming it on global warming. She used to be a crazy hot supermodel but now she looks like she's getting ready for a sex change. And it's not like these are candid shots of her right after working out or doing construction or something. This is on a red carpet, where she knew she'd be photographed. She's got no makeup on, her eyebrows are out of control, and her once famous beauty spot just looks like concentrated cancer now. The only other explanation I can think of is that she caught an ugly-disease from posing with homeless people. I guess we'll be lucky if her damn eye doesn't fall out.
May 12 2006Paris Hilton is good with names
Paris Hilton made an appearance at E3 yesterday to unveil her new video game, but in typical Paris Hilton fashion called it by the wrong name. She was there to promote "Paris Hilton's Jewel Jam" but when she showed up she said:
"Sorry I'm late. I'm really excited to have my new video game, 'Diamondquest.' Thank you all for coming, and you can download the game."
I could understand it if she called it Jewel Quest or Diamond Jam or some other variation where it was at least partially correct, but Diamondquest isn't even close. It's like she just thought of what the game was about and made up whatever name popped into her head. God forbid she was presenting Tetris, otherwise we'd probably have a game called Gravity Shapes on our hands.
May 12 2006Lindsay Lohan never changes
Lindsay Lohan had a pretty spaced out interview with Matt Lauer on Monday where she looked exhausted and was sniffling her way through. Apparently it was because she was up the night before with some friends at her hotel, and was up so late she didn't even have a chance to change before doing the interview, as she was wearing the same clothes from the day before. You can check out the video here and the pictures of Lindsay from the day before here. I'd point out the tights, but it's pretty much impossible to miss them. She could be wearing a puppy for a hat and you'd still be staring at her legs, shaking your head in disapproval.
May 12 2006Richie Sambora dumps Denise Richards
In Touch Weekly is claiming Richie Sambora has ended his relationship with Denise Richards because he feels bad about hurting Heather Locklear's feelings. An insider says he reconsidered the relationship based on his feelings for his ex-wife as well as for their daughter Ava.
I'd comment further, but I'm so bored and sick of this story I don't even want to finish this sentence. Why couldn't something interesting happen, like Sambora breaking it off because he wants to pursue a career as an astronaut. Or a gun slinger. Or anything else that doesn't make me want to smash my face through my monitor out of boredom.
May 11 2006Tatyana Simanava might be a genius
Leave it to a blonde supermodel to do exactly the kind of stuff you'd expect a blonde supermodel to do. Like mistake the bathroom door for the exit door and step off a moving bus onto a freeway at 40 mph. Russian model Tatyana Simanava did exactly that on Tuesday, and ended up smashing her arm, dislocating a shoulder, and cutting her face and head.
"She's lucky she wasn't killed," said a police source. "She could have easily gotten run over." The 21-year-old model had been traveling to a Staten Island photo shoot with other members of international agency Next Models, cops said. She somehow got disoriented after stepping into a passageway outside the bathroom of the luxury bus. "There was a door leading back inside the bus to her left, and one leading out of the bus to her right," said a traffic cop at the scene. I guess she got disoriented."
It's so perfect that just thinking about it leaves me speechless. It's the kind of thing they make fun of in National Lampoon movies because it's so stupid and impossible, and yet here it is. Happening. For real. In reality. By a human being. If you'll excuse me I have to wipe the tears of joy from my eyes.
May 11 2006Tom Cruise understands cars
It's hard to ruin an entrance when you're driving in in a $1.3 million Bugatti Veyron, but leave it to Tom Cruise to accomplish the impossible. And leave it to me to come up with these delicious puns. Or should I say, these mission impossibles? No wait, that's not a pun. That's genius.
Thanks to Gretchen for the tip.
May 11 2006Richie Sambora isn't a cheating bastard
Richie Sambora has spoken out about the rumors surrounding his relationship with Denise Richards and tells Us Magazine he didn't cheat on Heather Locklear, saying:
“I will do anything to enable all of us to move past all of this,” he told Us. As for charges leveled by Locklear insiders that Sambora and Richards (who began dating mid-March) were together before Locklear filed for divorce in January, he says, “I remained faithful during my marriage. And I defy anyone to refute that.”
I don't think anybody's blaming Richie Sambora in this whole ordeal. When you're involved in a love triangle with Heather Locklear and Denise Richards and you look like Richie Sambora, it's pretty clear you're not the one holding the cards. It'd be like blaming Hitler's secretary for the Holocaust.
May 11 2006Jessica Simpson is a little desperate
A family friend of Jessica Simpson has told Life & Style Weekly that jessica has been trying to look hot lately to get back at Nick Lachey and let him know she's still looking good. The sources says:
“Jess decided on a complete transformation as a way of fighting back,” a “family friend” told Life & Style Weekly. “She’s saying to Nick, ‘Here’s a whole new me — and don’t I look good!’ ”
If this is really Jessica Simpson's plan she's doing a terrible job. Unless she knows secrets about Nick Lachey that nobody else knows. Like maybe he really likes primates. Or his number one fantasy is doing it with a giant carrot. I mean hey, who hasn't been turned on by the occasional monkey or vegetable?
May 11 2006Lindsay Lohan on The Ellen DeGeneres Show
Lindsay Lohan had a pretty entertaining interview on The Ellen DeGeneres Show yesterday. Some notable moments include challenging Ellen to a pushup contest, admitting Fez is a good kisser, and blurting out "Oh shit" while later asking if she's allowed to say the word 'hell.' Although I'm a little confused as to why she's so obsessed with doing one-legged pushups. Maybe she's finally discovered that cocaine gives her superhuman strength. Or maybe she's trying to replace all the recent rumors about her with new rumors that she's insane. And likes to do pushups. On one leg. Mission accomplished.
May 11 2006Ashlee Simpson is a liar
Ashlee Simpson is laughing off rumors of her nose job despite obvious photos suggesting otherwise. When asked about the speculation surrounding her nose yesterday, she replied:
"Everybody's already saying it, so I just don't talk about it. I'm like, OK, whatever. It doesn't bother me." But when asked whether the rumor was true, the 21-year-old singer didn't confirm or deny it, but just giggled more. "Maybe - who knows!"
Somebody should explain to Ashlee about the magic of photography. We already know she's had a nose job because we can see it. Lying about it isn't going to convince anybody of anything, except that maybe she's a fucking liar. And was born with a tail. Because Ashlee Simpson was born with a tail. And if she says otherwise she's lying. That's what she does.
May 10 2006Ashlee Simpson makes highway pit stop
With her new nose and giant sunglasses Ashlee Simpson is starting to look suspiciously a lot like Paris Hilton. Although if she's planning to take her identity and inherit her fortune, she's gonna have to work on looking less like she just saw a unicorn dancing on a rainbow, and more like she thinks poor people should be ground into soap and used to wash her car.
May 10 2006Lindsay Lohan at Just My Luck premiere
Lindsay Lohan attened the Just My Luck premiere and was photographed taking pictures of herself with her fans. Which is a little weird because it's usually the other way around. Maybe celebrities are around each other so often that they get excited over seeing regular people now. Pretty soon George Clooney is gonna be asking strangers at clubs for their autographs. Which is sort of what I do, only replace 'asking for autographs' with 'slipping roofies.'
May 10 2006Britney Spears is pregnant again...again
Britney Spears made a surprise visit to David Letterman yesterday and announced she was officially pregnant.
"Don't worry, Dave, it's not yours," the singer joked. "Oh. Well, I think that's good news for both of us," Letterman responded. Later in the show, after Letterman had Spears read the Top 10 List, he asked again: "So we’ve established now that you are, in fact, pregnant?" Spears responded, "Yes, sir." Spears's announcement, first reported by Access Hollywood, was confirmed by her rep.
So there you have it. Britney Spears has officially announced what everybody has already known for weeks. Maybe tomorrow she'll hold a press conference and reveal the color of the sky. Word on the street is that it's green.
May 10 2006Kanye West sued for being poor
Kanye West was sued last Friday for missing thousands of dollars of lease payments on a 2003 Mercedes G500. DaimerChrysler Financial Services filed the suit and is asking for $53,747 in damages along with accrued payments, interest and late fees.
The biggest mystery here is why Kanye West has to lease a car when he has roughly a bajillion dollars. With that kind of money he can just buy wherever he wants to go and have it shipped to his house. Well not really, but how cool would that be? Too cool for school, that's who. Wait. What?
May 10 2006Natalie Portman on Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium set
It's probably not a good sign that even when Natalie Portman looks like a 12-year-old boy I'm still oddly aroused by her. At least if the acting thing doesn't work out for her she can always fall back on a career as Haley Joel Osment's stunt double.
May 10 2006David Blaine was unconscious
Not only did David Blaine fail his world record attempt, he almost died trying to do it. Reports are coming out that Blaine was having convulsions and was unconscious when he was finally pulled out of the water.
"I wasn't focused on records; I was thinking of a rescue," said the trainer, Kirk Krack, a free-diving expert. A day after the televised stunt, Blaine, defying doctors' recommendations, checked himself out of Roosevelt Hospital. Friends took him out in a wheelchair then helped him walk to a waiting car. At home, he took a hot shower, played cards and was able to eat. But "he was crying," last night said Dr. Murat Gunel, the head of Blaine's medical team. "He still feels today that he let people down."
If they had just left him in there for another two minutes he would've had the record. He was already unconscious so he wouldn't even have noticed. Plus he'd be grateful because then he wouldn't be such a devastating failure at life. There's only one way to earn people's respect and that's to hold your breath for a really really long time. Sure, Abraham Lincoln put an end to slavery, but he couldn't hold his breath worth shit. And that makes him a loser.
May 9 2006Jake Gyllenhaal has a new girlfriend
Jake Gyllenhaal has finally moved on from Kirsten Dunst and is now dating Olympic snowboarder Gretchen Bleiler. They're reportedly so serious that Gretchen is moving from Ohio to Los Angeles to be with Jake. When asked for comment, Gyllenhaal’s rep said, “Thank you for inquiring but we do not comment on his personal life.”
I'd congratulate him, but Gretchen isn't exactly the sexiest woman on the planet. After spending so much time with Kirsten Dunst I guess anybody that doesn't have breasts dragging on the floor and jagged teeth probably looks good. Shit, he's just lucky he didn't wander onto a farm and spot a scarecrow first, otherwise we'd be reading about Jake's new girlfriend: a scarecrow with a dress on.
May 9 2006Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend is hot
I'm 90% sure the clown in the hat isn't Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend, but when an anonymous source makes wild allegations backed up by absolutely no facts whatsoever who am I to question? Honestly though, I'm not even sure the guy is a guy, or even Lohan's friend for that matter. He's dressed like a homeless man and his shoes look like they belong to Forrest Gump. Buy, hey, maybe he is Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend. She went out with Fez, so an effeminate looking homeless boy shouldn't be that much more surprising.
UPDATE: Mother of God, that really is Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend and he's actually a model. His name is James Burke and he was most recently linked with Kate Moss. Apparently cocaine causes blindness now.
May 9 2006David Blaine is a failure
If you didn't watch David Blaine's attempt to break the world record for holding his breath underwater yesterday, you didn't miss much. Mostly because he didn't. The current record is 8 minutes 58 seconds and Blaine claimed he would top it, but fell short and only managed 7:08 before divers had to jump in and rescue him. He'd been living in an underwater sphere for the past week and this was supposed to be his big finale.
On Sunday, six days after he'd submerged himself into the water-filled tank, Blaine told ABC News that life in a big fish bowl was starting to become "horrific in many, many ways. Every muscle doesn't just ache, it feels like a sharp, shooting pain--like a knife being stabbed."Actually, other than that, Blaine's maladies included, per reports: atrophied muscles, an earache, skin rashes and a touch of liver damage. "I don't think it's permanent, but I've never felt this kind of pain in a stunt before."
7:08 is a pretty impressive number, but Blaine's "tricks" just aren't exciting anymore. Maybe for his next stunt he can crank things up a notch and try flying a rocketship into the sun. No twist, just fly into the sun and then disintegrate.
May 9 2006Christina Aguilera makes me proud
Christina Aguilera has admitted she doesn't like covering up with too much clothes, telling More magazine: "I wouldn't feel right wearing clothes that covered my whole body."
And that, my friends, is why Christina Aguilera is considered a hero. The real way to empower women isn't to let them vote or enter the work force, it's to dress them like blow up sex dolls and parade around their half-naked bodies. And anybody who says otherwise is a Communist.
May 9 2006Tori Spelling gets knocked up and married
Tori Spelling got married to Dean McDermott in a private ceremony in Fiji over the weekend, but sources are now saying that Spelling might be pregnant. She was spotted shopping for baby stuff at Petit Tresor, and a source says:
“She was looking at things like cribs in a way that made it pretty clear that she wasn’t just looking to buy things for someone else,” says the source. And another insider says, “Yeah, she’s pregnant. She’s several months along now, I believe.”When called for comment, a rep laughed, saying, “I have no idea. I thought you were going to ask me if she’s really married or not - and I haven’t even been able to find that out.”
Considering everybody and their mom has recently gotten knocked up, it'd be a pretty safe assumption to say Tori is pregnant too. In fact, let's just go ahead and say every living person in Hollywood is pregnant right now. Man, woman, child, it doesn't matter. If you're breathing you're pregnant.
May 9 2006Brooke Burke and Burger King dude break up
I'm not sure if this counts as celebrity gossip since it's fake and one of the people involved is a fictional character, but Brooke Burke and the Burger King dude have split up. If a former model and giant-headed hamburger spokesman can't make it in this crazy world of ours then what hope do the rest of us have?
May 9 2006Scarlett Johansson is a prude
Execs at L'Oreal are allegedly pissed with Scarlett Johansson because she's refusing to strip for their latest ad campaign. She currently has a $5 million deal with them but has been showing up to shoots in long white dresses and no make-up in an attempt to distance herself from her "sex-kitten image." A source tells The Mail on Sunday newspaper:
"Understandably L'Oreal, which spent a fortune signing Scarlett, and actresses Eva Longoria and Penelope Cruz, want her sexy screen siren glamour. There has been a series of creative differences. She had a problem with the last ad she shot for body lotion. There were a few heated exchanges."
We've already determined Scarlett Johansson isn't a fan of photographers, but when you're getting paid $5 million to appear in pictures, you better damn well do what the photographer wants. He could show up with an angry bear, some handcuffs, and an extra large condom and the only thing she'd be allowed to complain about is the handcuffs being a little tight.
May 9 2006Jennifer Aniston wants Mr. T's house
After several months of house hunting, Jennifer Aniston has decided to buy Mr. T's $13 million Illinois mansion so she can be closer to Vince Vaughn. Although I can't even imagine what the inside of that house must look like. Gold chains everywhere, a framed a portrait of Mr. T himself, and the phrase "I pity the fool!" written on every wall in the house. "I pity the fool who doesn't decorate his house with permanent marker!"
May 8 2006Ashlee Simpson gets a new nose
Ashlee Simpson performed at the Sunfest Concert over the weekend with her brand new nose. While most singers avoid nose work because it might interfere with their singing, Ashlee Simpson said pfft to that and went for it anyway, getting the small bump on her nose removed. Now all she needs is to paint herself orange, put on a wig, and hang weights off her nipples so she can challege Jessica for the title of sexiest orange Simpson ever. Although I think that might already belong to OJ.
Some more of Ashlee and her new nose after the jump.
May 8 2006Tom Cruise needs a lift
Reports are going around that Tom Cruise has started wearing lifts in his shoes so as not to appear so much shorter than Katie Holmes. He's 5'7" and Katie is between 5'8" and 5'9", but when they walked the red carpet for the premiere of Mission: Impossible III they were the same height, and Katie was wearing three inch heels.
Cruise's spokesman, Paul Bloch, insisted that nothing was out of the ordinary: "He had normal shoes on."After viewing photos of TomKat at the L.A. opening, where their knees were at the same level and Cruise's trousers were pooling around his ankles, Manhattan podiatrist Rock Positano said: "If the pants are all the way down to the ankle, you really can't see how much heel the person has. There's a lot of ways you can camouflage lifts," said Positano. "Occasionally we will see people who put lifts in their shoes for height, but we don't do it and we don't recommend it. Someone could hurt their knees or throw their backs out."
Considering how insane he is, I guess we should just be glad Tom Cruise isn't running around on stilts.
May 8 2006Jessica Simpson goes red
Jessica Simpson showed up to the NCLR ALMA awards with curly red hair and the weirdest looking breasts I've ever seen. It's a step up from her shaggy monkey hair, but so would be a mullet or if she shaved her head and glued strips of paper to it.
More shots of Jessica's new hair after the jump, including an odd picture of a man cupping her right breast as she adjusts her dress.
UPDATE: Turns out the hair is actually a wig, and is part of a new hairpiece line Jessica is coming out with. No, seriously. I'm not even kidding.
May 8 2006Tom Cruise enjoys Mother's Day
To celebrate her first Mother's Day, Tom Cruise has thrown down almost a thousand dollars on a bouquet of flowers for Katie Holmes.
“He spent $900 on pink peonies in a Limoges vase,” a source tells the Scoop. “He had the card signed, ‘Dear Mommy, Happy first Mother’s Day. Lots of Love, Suri and Daddy.” The insider says the bouquet was sent from Lily Lodge, an upscale florist in West Hollywood. The store’s manager declined to comment, but says the source, “I sure hope you get a lot of flowers with nine hundred bucks.”
Leave it to Tom Cruise to make the rest of us shmucks look bad. How is it gonna look on Mother's Day when I give my mom a coupon for IHOP and Tom Cruise has spent $900 on some damn flowers? I can't compete with that. My only hope is to steal the neighbor's paper and make it two coupons. Now that's class.
May 8 2006Celebrities still having babies
• Adam Sandler had a baby girl on Saturday and announced it on his offiical site with: "Kid is healthy!! Wife is healthy!! He's still a moron, and that's all that counts!!!" Because making sure your baby is a moron should be every new parent's top priority. [AdamSandler]
• Zack Morris had his second child yesterday, daughter Ava Lorenn. When asked for comment he said, "Stop calling me Zach Morris. My name is Mark-Paul Gosselaar, you fucker." [People]
• Jon Favreau's rep has confirmed that he and his wife are expecting their third child. Hopefully it'll end up looking like a potato with facial hair just like its daddy. [People]
May 8 2006Katie Holmes wears a nursing bra
It's bad enough she's got her nursing bra showing and open, but look at the expression on Katie Holmes' face. You can almost hear her cries for help, like she's telephathically signalling the photographer to end her misery and bludgeon her with a crowbar. Or maybe she's just upset because she's wearing the same pants as my 55-year-old mom. As is her boyfriend.
May 8 2006David Spade plays with puppets
Ever wanted to see David Spade reenact his drama with Denise Richards using puppets? Of course not, but here it is anyways. It's not incredibly amusing, but fans of puppets and loose googly eyes should get a kick out of it.
May 8 2006Pete Doherty displays blood paintings
Paintings made with Pete Doherty's own blood are on exhibit at a London gallery and are being sold for $2,000 each. His friends say the paintings prove his innocence over claims he injected heroin into a passed out fan, and backup his story that he was actually drawing her blood to paint with. Paul Roundhill, the man storing his paintings, says:
"I picked these pictures up at his flat in Hackney. Blood paintings are something he has done for a long time. I think they help explain the photograph of Laura. It shows he does do blood paintings. I really don't think Pete was injecting her. It was just staged.""
It'd be more convincing if the paintings were actually good, but this is what you'd expect if you switched out a 5-year-old's finger paint with pig's blood and told them to go nuts. It looks like something he threw together at the last minute in a frantic attempt to pretend he's been doing it for years.
