Apr 11 2006Michael Douglas says he didn't say stuff

First

First!

hahahaha you beat me!

Not first: Michael Douglas might be a senile old has-been, but at least he had the good sense not to appear in "Basic Instinct 2." On the other hand, if he questions the wisdom of dumping Jennifer Aniston for some hot Jolie ass, then he really is a senile old fool. I'd sodomize a dead cat for the chance to get me some Jolie tail. Since I sodomize dead cats all the time anyway, it really wouldn't be a big sacrifice.

Isn't Michael Douglas too old to be relying on his memory?

http://www.wehateeverybody.com

MD could kick all your asses. So you all better step off right now before he jumps through your computer screen and smacks you across the face for your discourse.

I've got notes from when Angelina Jolie told me her nipples had been secreting beer and she wanted me to see if it was a pilsner or lager. Notes don't lie.
It was an amber wheat ale.

sure, he's forgetful, but his granddaughter looks hot

I seriously CANNOT believe that they think this is more newsworthy than Kevin Fuckhead Federline getting called on his copyright infringement of Thomas Dolby's "She Blinded Me With Science". Check this out---it's so much more awesome than this story.

http://www.celebritycrunch.com/2006/04/k-fed-is-stupid-and-illegal.php#links

And no, this is not my blog or anything so I'm not attempting a free plug. It was linked off of bastardly.com

MD should keep his surgery-altered nose out of other peoples' lives and focus on why his wife publicly insists that she's 10 years younger than she really is. They're both hags... but I do love her hair, the bitch!

Michael Douglas says he didn't say stuff, it was an accidental fart taken out of contex, he later apologized for speaking like an asshole...........

And why do I suddenly have thoughts of Ronald Reagan in my head: old, wrinkly and quite forgetful of the things he said or did.
Senility's a bitch.

#4 you are such a pussy...

Step into my world where we sodomize LIVE cats. Now that is excitement... It usually sounds little like a Bjork song.... I'd sodomize you sodomizing a dead or live cat just to tap some Jolie... 8)

"I mean how long is that going to last?"

Certainly not as long as your lifetime prescription of Viagra. Unless of course you keel while pushing pickles with young Cath. Which is a distinct possibility, unless she's boinking the Verizon guy.

Here's a guy who is an admitted sex addict, who cheated a million times on his ex wife (before and after 'treament') and he's wondering how long the Pitt-Jolie union will last? I think he needs to worry about his own problems, you know? Now he never said it? I didn't see him arguing about it a week ago or two when it came out. He just wants publicity because he SUCKS! He was too old to make the first Basic instinct for Gods sake.
And she is like 45, who is she kidding?

Another story from the "who cares" department. :(

Come on, now. Put up something that's at least humorous, or makes us feel better about ourselves.

Son of Spartacus is simply secretly pining for his own Antoninus - note the resemblance between young Tony and He-Who-Acts-With-His-Hair. So there, it must be said: Michael Douglas loves the cock.

(so does Tom Cruise, btw)

Actually, the editor of GQ recently apologized for the Michael Douglas statements.

Apparently, they mistaken him for his father, Kirk Douglas.

Easy mistake.

MD is a serious pussy, BP could whip his ass.

Now, Kirk Douglas could wipe the parking lot with anyone. Especially Tom Cruise who really, really, loves the cock.

# 13 and # 4:

I would really appreciate a little restraint right now from you two. Your comments could be insensitive to someone like me, who as a child, was the victim of cat sodomy. I was young, and this was a really big alley cat. He forced himself on me one night. I was walking home from the playground, and I heard a soft "Meow" coming from, of course, an alley. I should have known that something was up, but his purr was enchanting, hypnotic, almost comforting. I bent over to pet him, and with cat-like reflexes he was behind me, and...hold on..this is difficult...the next 30 seconds were pure horror. To this very day, I can't read Garfield or even watch Looney Tunes, because of Sylve... I can't even say his name. Just try and be more sensitive. Thanks

Papa "I've been ass-raped by a cat" HotNuts

Catherine Zeta Jones is NOT lying about her age. She says she was born in 1969, and it's true:

http://forevercatherine.us/media/v/theatre/Bugsy/30May/83BugsyMalone08.jpg.html

Everything either one of them says is automatically invalid, as they have been together for way too fucking long.

And what the hell is wrong with saying that Brad Pitt could be fucked up? I mean, it is highly plausible.

That's not the best picture of her, but generally speaking I'd hit CZJ like Mike Tyson used to hit Robin Givens - hard and often.

As for MD, whether or not he said it, he's got a point. Pitt went from being a movie star to AJ's butt-boy.

And Superfish, describing a Grandpa Simpson scene ain't gettin' it done. Let's put a little more effort into it next time, shall we?

Did you know that cats have backwards-pointing spines on their penises to keep the female from escaping during intercourse? Well, I guess Papa already knew...
Meeeouch!
Anyway, my point was that Michael Douglas has the spines also, and Catherine Zeta Jones has ginormous titties. This is a very good point indeed.

Thanks a million Osh..dialing my therapist now, and the vet.

LMAO...

Barbed penis...

Papa, I am so sorry for your experience...
That must have looked like a stick-up window Garfield on your backside as you raced home after your unfortunate incident...

Not many can admit that they have had an analy attached, barbed penis alley cat experience... I salute you....

Let the healing now begin....

I'm with you #15... MD is a huge hypocritical fuckwad. Didn't he leave his adoring wife/family for CZJ? And he's gonna give Brad crap for doing it to the schnozz?? Give me a fucking break....

Mikey is just trying to figure out how to get his 15 secs of fame in the world that is Brangelina since his career has not been dick since...what.... maybe Wall Street circa the 80s? He's been riding his hot wife's coat-tails for years... she can even get cell phone gigs, he can't even get a job schlepping Viagra or Geritol or whatever...

I actually feel sorry for CZJ... she is immensely hot... I'd let my hubby film me and Catherine and Angie in a big ol vat of jello :) mmmmmmmmmmmmm

Brad and Angelina will probably last as long as you and Catherine Zeta Jones will last once you stroke out like your dad and she has to feed you baby food...so, like a year tops?

Tom Cruise also loves the alley cat.

I can't wait for the headline "Michael Douglas Sues GQ." Litigation seems to be the only way he and CZJ can make some scratch nowadays.

I personally view MD as an afront to all that I stand for... I mean... Did you see CZJ's ass in Entrapment? I mean when she slides under the laser beams? That ass should have had top billing. Every time it comes on cable that is exactly how it flashes into my head...

Entrapment... Starring CZJ's Ass, Sean Connerry, and Catherine Zeta Jones. Coming to a theater near you...

Now it is like you see her and you go...
"Hey, isn't that that big assed bitch who does the T-Mobile commercials with her little sister???"

Seriously, did they think we did not notice the T-Mobile "before spawn of MD" and T-Mobile "After spawn of MD" changes in her ass? Who edits this footage?

Damn you Douglasses... Damn you all to hell...

I'm sorry, but I think sodomizing live animals is just wrong, unless it is one of those endangered animals and you're trying to create a human-white rhino half-breed that could rule the world with its quick brain and gigantic horn. That's okay. Otherwise, stick to sodomizing dead cats and other animals. And I don't just say that as a dead cat sodomizer, I'm also a member of the Humane Society and founder of PESA -- People for the Ethical Sodomy of Animals.

Remember:

Pulse = No sodomy
No pulse = Lots of sodomy

# 32 SuperSpence is on a level of dysfunction I could only dream about. Rock on.

I don't know Super... That can be pretty dangerous experimentation. I am pretty sure that is how we got Rosie O'donnell. Are you willing to take the responsibility for something like that!

I say stick it to the cat for all that he has done to us. Attacking my feet while I am trying to hit it and quit it with the 23 year old stewardess from Van Nies... Furry face naps at 3 am when you were to drunk to exit her apartment after parking the Boeing in her hanger. Random territorial pissings... I just don't know if I can bring myself to give up my Vigilante ways and only nail the dead ones. I am the Charles Bronson of live cat sodomizers and I just can't let go of the edge yet...

So, while I will concede that your stance is morally superior to mine in that you will only sodomize the dead cat, I just feel you are missing the greater calling of live cat sodomy.

Perhaps we can compromise and agree that once one begins to sodomize said cat, you are morally obligated to give it strangling worthy of a PBS After School special on Michael Hutchings. Truce?

(Oh, and Tom Cruise really does like the cock. He told me so. At least I think he did. He was mumbling when he said it because he had a cock in his mouth so I could be wrong. He may have just asked my my religion. I'll never really know for sure... that was when I saw the Calico strutting down 4th street and well, you know what happened next...)

Yeah...his "Good Friend" Brad Pitt. Like we are supposed to believe all these pampered Arrogant Drama Queens just have a big love-in all the time in Hollywood. He probably is so old he forgot that he was supposed to be dishing BS to the magazine, after he got home and Catherine Zeta fed him his Alzheimers Meds through a bottle he remembered and now denies.....good one Mikey.

azcoyote: I hope you took notes during all of that because without them your stories/ ideas seem completely farcical. But if you have notes, well, I'll never doubt you again.

Proof gets a cap popped in his ass and we are stuck with the Crypt Keeper and Her Royal Verizon Heighness?

COME ON SUPERFICIAL!!!!

also in the GQ interview notes....

Michael Douglas : "I've got chunks in my stool older then Brad Pitt."

If ya'll are going to continue reminding me of that night I was violated by Puss 'n' Boots, I may as well go back to church and ask Father Thomas if I can go see his "special play area" again. Why don't you go ahead and start bringing up those painful three years of my life when Father Thomas pretended he was my baseball coach and kept patting my ass and giving me random cup checks, naked. I guess that's funny to all of you, isn't it?? You don't even want to guess where he told me holy water came from. "Just keep sucking on the big straw, little Papa, it will come out soon." You guys are just a bunch of pricks.

Hey, look. I admit it, Osh. I indulge my need to expound on the topic of cat sodomy. What can I say. It is just a weakness. But hey, addiction is not my fault. It is like when I used to slip Chris Farley an 8 ball while he was ass-ramming his pet Schnauzer named "Gravy". I will never forget how much he loved Gravy... He would tell everyone, "Hey, I love Gravy" but no one ever really understood he was crying out for help... He used to think it was wrong but I let him know the REAL facts. Just like the coke problem, Schnauzer doodling is an addiction and it was not his fault... I think the advice was sound and I stand behind it (no pun) 100%.

Has anyone seen Chris lately? How is has been doing BTW? I have not seen him on SNL in, like, forever... ???

I demand notes. NOTES!!! NOTES, I TELL YOU!!!

#21: I have this bridge over in Brooklyn I'll sell to you for 5 bucks.

Ugh this couple.

when in doubt. DENY DENY DENY

Well, at least GQ has that notepad. That's ironclad proof, after all.

'What's this here?'

'Oh,' replies the GQ interviewer, 'it's a little hard to read, since I was on speedballs at the time, but I think it says 'I'm a shortbread... uh, venison... tragic immolation beyond... wreckage! See, Michael Douglas said he likes to burn deers and eat shortbread cookies. It's in my notepad, people!'

PapaHotNuts I don't think that is funny at all. You are showing total insensitivity to victims of cat rape all over the world. I mean, cat rape is really not a humorous topic. All that scratching, those spikes, the meeeeowwwing that will ring in my ears every time I hear a song by Mariah Carey....You making fun of cat rape victims has just deepened my pain. Thanks a lot, you pussy. Oh no, I said pussy! It's happening again....

hey, lots of people rape pussies.

but i've never heard of being raped BY a pussy.

Father Thomas pretended he was my baseball coach

PapaHotNuts, this is so wrong. I'm just so sick of people propagating the stereotype that every Catholic priest is a child molesters. Priests are highly spiritual people who feel a calling to serve their communities; they are dedicated people; and the vast majority of them only break their vows with consenting adult women and are great parents to their bastard children. So stop with all the hateful stereotyping!!!!

Michael Douglas doesn't remember saying these things because as we all know, Alzheimer's disease is a growing disease among the elderly. I can imagine a regular day in the Douglas/Zeta-Jones household:

Catherine: "Honey, will you go get our son's diapers? They're in the drawer next to your's."

Michael: "Flipper-flat horn diddly big monkeys."

Catherine: "No, I said diapers, not big monkeys."

Michael: (stares off into space while wetting himself).

I think Zeta must be older than mid-30's. They've been shooting her in VERY soft focus for all of her T-mobile crap. I think even Cybil Sheperd (sp?) from Moonlighting would be envious.

That said, I still think she looked great going up the stairs in "High Fidelity".

@48 Find a couple Xanax, wash them down with some Goldschlager, and then hit the gravity bong. I bet you anything, that after all that, you'll find your sense of humor.

@49
Oh. My. God. That was freaking hysterical. "Flipper-flat horn diddly big monkeys." Ahhh, good times. Good thing I peed before I read that.

mama, i thought #48 was being sarcastic? what with the reference to bastard children.

@52

He he he. Whoops. My bad. I kind of fell off and stopped reading after this part "Priests are highly spiritual people who feel a calling to serve their communities". Oh well, if you take out this part of my comment "I bet you anything, that after all that, you'll find your sense of humor.", the rest is still good advice, no?

#48 WAS being sarcastic. There is no way he/she was being serious. Or is there?

@54

I like how you added "Or is there?" at the end. ALMOST makes me not feel like a dumb ass.........almost.

trphywife #27 I'm just curious, can you get through any superficial thread without posting some lame rehashed line about you and your husband's sexcapades? You didn't get any attention growing up, we get it already

#56 - She's a trophy wife, get it? I noticed that earlier and was going to say something but I didn't want to make her cry, and did you notice how she was always bringing up her giant tits? Her big - natural - DD tits. I'm convinced she's a 400 lb Samoan man in a dirty clown suit. Excuse me, a drrrty clown suit.

No matter what he said, Jennifer Aniston is ugly as fuck and boring. Nobody in their right mind would pick her over the cool and stunning Angelina Jolie.

Am I the only one who finds his alleged comments funny? Mostly because they're so apt. Angie has made it clear she isn't interested in marriage; she just wanted better genes than Billy Bob Thornton's to impregnate herself with. When baby comes, she will move on. Guaranfuckingteed.

#56
#57

i have only posted on this site maybe 10 times and i believe the only thing i have mentioned is my hot lesbian desires for angie nuttin bout my real sex life, that's for my enjoyment, not to share with you peeps... obviously either of you aint gettin any at home so ya gotta pick on little ol me? um, i thought we were here to mutually bash on celebs, not each other?

and for clarification (not that i ever mentioned it) i have a pretty decent 36D store bought rack. and yes, since i am a trophy wife, my job is 2 hours at the gym every day so you can take your Samoan comment and shove it up yo ass.

me cryin? no way... feelin sorry for you two actually. can't we all just get along???

Yeah, you did mention your sex life a "couple of times". And I think its neat that you would find a way to reference your husband or breasts to pretty much any topic, and that you take yourself so fucking seriously. Kind of like this:
"Tom Cruise - OMG! What a loser. I want to watch my husband ejaculate in her face while I eat her ass! I have huge knockers! LOL!!!"
That sounds like a pretty cool job you have there. Most people have real jobs and go to the gym a few times a week for exercise, but I guess when that's all you have to do during the day it can turn into a minor obsession. Like letting everone know how big your tits are and what a great sex life you have, over and over, when nobody really asked. So we get it, you think you're hot shit, you think your husband is hot shit, and you want to have sex with a girl. Now go take your desparate housewives lifestyle to your pilates class and tell all the girls how much you want to fingerbang Angelina Jolie - I'm sure they'd love to hear about it.
Now

dude, you are seriously fucked... i have never ever posted ANYthing about tom cruise nor have i posted anything about eating anyone's ass.... link me to where you are referencing because it AINT me.

you seriously need a refill on your prozac...

My example is not to be taken literally - kind of like your breasts. And this bottle of Oxycodone is suiting me just fine, thank you very little.

kind of like your ego... but maybe it will be better now that you have been corrected for your error in bashing what you thought was me.

the other not-so-desperate housewives in yoga thought this was freaking hilarious....

peace out ;)

I get it. The tighter your face is pulled, the more memory you lose. What a mondo-dizmo.

I would say that MD is older than Moses, but that would only make him 5 days old.

Thanks for ruining my lame ass joke, Gwyneth.

I'm not sure what you think you corrected me on because you pretty much confirmed everything I said about you with your defensiveness.
Do you guys do yoga while sitting around your laptop? Can you put your legs behind your head and type with your labia, or do your boobs get in the way? Do you guys go out for lattes afterwards and then shop for placemats at Pottery Barn?
Peace Out, yo! ;} LOL OMG! <3 C-ya !!~* LMAO! Kewl! ~*BFF*~ ROTFL@&&& Whatev!*

wait, wait.... ME the defensive one?? re-read your lame posts attacking me. i usually think you are pretty funny, just trying to figure out why you are slamming me? i just pointed out that you misquoted me and you cant move on past the fact that you were wrong...

you have mentioned my rack every post so you must lack in that department (or if you are a dude, your SO does). so sorry, all mine took was a check and a good doctor. :)

FYI, i'm going to take your yoga/laptop/latte/pottery barn as a lame attempt at sarcasm. please move on... like i said before, you are usually pretty funny... it'd be nice to see that again instead of this ugly crap. leave me the fuck alone. might wanna check with the doc on your oxycodone dosage, might do ya some good :)

buh-bye

I wasn't misquoting you, I was making up a very slightly exaggerated example of something you might say (read: "Kind of like this"). Here's another example:
"Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake totally have bad botox, but I think I'd like to make out with Britney in public for attention while my husband collects money from onlookers! LMAO! And I have tremendously giant cans! Peace Out!"
To clarify, no, you did not actually say this, therefore I am not misquoting you. I am making you look stupid, because this is the TYPE of thing you would say, and your incessant arguing with me about "correcting me" and "misquoting" is really just digging you a deeper hole. I'm not even going to try to define sarcasm for you, but that is not what I was using in reference to the "yoga/laptop/latte/pottery barn" comment, that was also just me making you look stupid. Oh, and I just did it again.
I think its nice that you had to buy/ your husband had to buy you some implants to improve your self esteem, and I hope you feel better knowing that your life is now complete since you've spent 5 to 10k on sugically inserting bags of gel into your chest - complete except your compulsive exercising and your obvious obsession with the way you look, which really just means you feel ugly on the inside. But cheer up, Trophy Wife, Jesus loves you. And your husband loves you and the bags of gel on your chest. I'm sure you are living the life you always dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm not going to talk about my breasts so you can speculate all you want. Maybe they're big... Maybe they're small? Maybe I'm fat and ugly, maybe I'm really hot? I hope you spend a lot of time thinking about it since its really important and valuable to you as a person. Then you can come back and say something else useless and I will make you look stupid again, because I'm awesome!!!
And this is the funniest internet fight ever, I hope it never ends.
Peace Y'all! Wurd!! 2 kewl 4 u!!! ~*one*~

@69

You forgot to add "hawtttttttt" and "luv you guys and babes".

Yeah, I also win by default because I was #69. I rule!!!

yawn

I dare you to keep posting to try and get the last word in, even if it's "yawn", because I'm pretty fuckin stubborn and I'll ride it out to the end. If you're so bored, by the way, why don't you go bake some cookies or knit a sweater, or go work out. You might have gained some weight reading this, now you have to run for 2 more miles! Oh, I know, you could go ask your husband if he thinks you look fat in something, or maybe you could compare yourself to every woman you see - that's always a good way to occupy yourself. I'm sure you could always fill your down time with more surgery - maybe its time for a facelift, or perhaps a nose job, chin implant, or tummy-tuck? Sounds like fun! Make sure to write back!

CATFIGHT!!!

Well, someone had to say it....

well trophy, from what i can tell as a newbie poster (first! woop!) is that oshkosh is definitely a chick and sounds like a jealous 10-year old PMSing one at that! and a rambling-no-nonsense, nothing-else-to-do biatch at that (from what I see on this site that she posts on different links about every 3 minutes.) this is freakin hilarious!!!

@75

Wrong. You suck.

MD and tom cruise loves cock!

and denies it!

#75 - jump on the pain train, will ye? I'm totally kidding. You were right on several counts: A) I do post on this site every 3 minutes, on the dot. Its part of my OCD. After I post I wash my hands twice, spin in a counterclockwise circle three times, and tap the ceramic dog head with a No. 2 pencil six times one two three four five six. Ahh. B)I am a jealous 10 year old girl who is PMSing and totally pissed off about it because I started my period at such a young age. I am also jealous because all the other girls in my 5th grade class have fake breasts and are always bragging about their sex lives. Well as you can see I just couldn't take it any more. I hope you all can accept my apology.
Peace Out! L8-er allig8-er! ;} ~*hugzz*~

Osh Kosh - I admire your need for the last word as I have the same "problem", or as I like to call it "good times".
Although I am new to commenting on here I am no stranger to reading this shit (or to arguing with people)and am glad to finally be able to chime in at these little hacks. I am not a fan of "taking sides" but when people start acting like self-righteous douchebags I know who the good posters are.
Keep it up Yo. Peace in the MIddle East! Toodles!!

OK, I must confess and ask for forgiveness!!!! Help me, for I am a self absorbed, totally fake, big boobed, pussy craving, yoga and latte addicted, self-righteous douchebag piece of ass!! Fuck Zenu, we all bow down to Osh Kosh, the holy being!!
A thousand hail marys and pennance for a month for me, can I ever be forgiven?????? Osh Kosh, just tell me what I can do to redeem myself in your eyes!! I will slit the bags of gel out of my chest and will gain 20 pounds in your superior honor!!

Praise Osh Kosh!! Shalom!! Amen!!

You can start out by not having someone else write your retorts for you, and then you can shut the fuck up because you're not funny, interesting, or original. If it makes you feel better, then, sure - go gain some weight. But I won't be held responsible for the verbal abuse/ infidelity on your husband's part.
Happy Passover!

wow, i thought you'd come up with something better than that

yawn (again)

That's okay because I had absolutely no expectations from you other than you'd keep coming back - and I was right! I'll bet you thought it was pretty funny to insinuate that I think of myself as a god or something, but it actually was pretty lame, including the part about "Zenu", "my superior honor", and "Shalom". You really pulled out all the stops on that one.
You also asked me what you could do to redeem yourself and I told you. So yawn your pretty little head all the way to Bed Bath and Beyond and buy a new personal massager because I think Tomb Raider comes on daytime TV today.

trophywife sounds like the jealous type who wants to reign queen over all & requires the center of attention.