Apr 10 2006Gwyneth Paltrow gives birth to Moses

She looks like a rock* star in that picture. Congrats on the baby. But naming the baby Moses, not right. To eaches own.

In other news worthy news...Gwyneth Paltrow is stupid, not hot and needs to come up with better baby names...

Tom Cruise is doing a commercial for Doc Johnson's Erozone Glide Wonder...

"It must have been tough for them to try and pick a name even worse than Mortimer or Capone, but I think they really outdid themselves. Not that Moses is a bad name... They might as well have named him Jesus."

Couldn't agree more! Apple is a cute little girl, but has anyone noticed she's got a lazy eye?

Why didn't they just name the kid "Kick Me"?

Since superfish news is so boring this morning, I'm left with no choice but to correct #1's post. It's "to each his own", not "to eaches own".

That's all I have to say about that.

Hey Moe. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Moses is the name of a Coldplay song that Chris wrote for Gwenyth. It's still a horrendously stupid name.

gwyneth paltrow is a pretentious snob.

Hopefully, he will grow up and lead her out of the land of stupidity...

After naming the baby Moses, Gwyneth promptly put him in a basket and sent him down a river.

Luckily, Moses managed to part the river and crawl to safety. Unfortunately, a rich man's daughter, by the name of Paris, then found the child, thought it would make cute pet, put a monkey suit on it and named it Mr. Winkles.

Thanks for fucking correcting us everyday booface, I mean Gump.....Wait, did I spell everything correctly?....ok

#5 thanks for edumacating #1

I heard he parted the red sea a couple times before he was born....nevermind, thats nasty

I'll never understand why famous people feel the need to make some kind of statement by naming their children weird things that will get them bitchslapped later in life. Like David Bowie naming his kid Fifi Trixiebelle.

I still run into girls who think Gwyneth Paltrow is "classy" and "intelligent." When I run into these girls, I often find myself wanting to "run over" these girls. And pretty soon, I will.

So if you're one of these girls who thinks Gwyneth Paltrow is "classy" and "intelligent," you've received fair notice: I will run you over with one of my 17 luxury automobiles.

[If you're hot, I might have sex with you first, but I'm still running you over once I'm finished. I call that my "hit and run special." You know, 'cause I'm special that way.]

That is the worst name I've ever heard next to Apple.

She could have chosen something funnier. Hitler would have been hilarious.

italian...

you're wrong! he parted the pink C. but just the once.

I hope they buy him a cane like that dude in the bible, he's gonna need something to beat away the bullies!!!

What's wrong with "Michael Martin" or "Andrew Martin"? It's almost like these pretentious morons are trying to garner more publicity by naming their poor children these hideous names. And invariably, that's exactly what they get: Incessant reporting on the crazy names they give their kids. Mission accomplished.

Holy Moses! Another bad baby name.

What freaking bad baby name book did her mother buy her?

Also, any news on birth defects? You know, since mommy's been boozing it up in recent news...

what is wrong with these celebrities? why do they feel the need to call their spawn such RIDICULOUS names? moses is pretty damn bad but the worst i've heard are "fifi trixibell", "pilot inspector" and "MOON UNIT".....wtf??!! you've got to admire britney for this at least - she seems to be the only celebrity to have named her baby anything remotely sane recently.

#14

David Bowie, to my knowledge, didn't name is kid Fifi Trixibelle.

That was Bob Geldof.

Marcus Licinius Crassus has a nice ring to it. Then he can crucify all the slaves that dare look upon his skank mother.

You should all BACK OFF. It's almost impossible for celebrities to think of a stupid name nowadays- all the good ones have gone.

she must have a thing with Biblical themes...

first Apple which is what drove Adam and Eve into temptation

and now Moses who is a leader and was an incredible human being who worshipped God...

I think this is just interesting

My priest just informed me that the bible was in the process of being edited so the name "Moses" can be changed to "Larry". God did not want to have anything in common with Paltrow or Martin or their half-mongoloid-demon-child.

And then right after my priest told me this, he touched my genitals softly and told me to pretend I was 9 years old again..

I like Apple, Moses seems a little osentatious tho.

#24, I stand corrected. Either way, it's a name for a poodle, not a child. Paris would love it.

Moses must mean one soon-to-be screwed up little fucker in English. (Since the red pens are out today, I meant English language, not England.) Better than Antony.

Moses Martin? Still better than what Rob Morrow named his daughter. Tu Morrow. (seriously that's what he and his wife picked out)

Moses? As if being son to these two schmucks wasn't daunting enough, they give him a moniker like Moses?? I realize parting something as nasty as Gwynie's thighs might be akin to the Red Sea, but come on!

Man, She didnt seem to be pregnant for that long. I was expecting Katie Homes (mostly) and Gwen Stefani to give birth first. Either Katie has been lying/ her baby is an alien, or Gweneth Paltrow hid the first few months of her pregnancy *really* well.

Yeah Bob Geldof named his kids Fifi Trixiebelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, Pixie, and Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily.. David Bowie's kid with the wacky name is "Joey Zowie Bowie". But that's not even his real name, it's "Duncan Joey Zowie Heywood Jones", as David Bowie's real last name is actually Jones. He changed it from David Jones to David Bowie in 1966, to avoid confusion with Davy Jones from the Monkees.
P.S. Gwyneth Paltrow still sucks.

When this kid grows old enough to learn about the bible, he'll probably start telling everyone Moses copied him.

It's a shame, she can no longer get attention for her acting so she has to saddle her kids with ridiculous names to get 5 lines of print in the gossip pages. Kinda like Tom Cruise does 5 lines of crystal meth before allowing the entire Ducke LaCrosse team to shove their LaCrosse Sticks up him.

Black people have been naming their boys Moses for years. I once dated a Moses. He stole my dvd player and blamed it on his neighbor, then he had sex with two of my friends. So I can see why Gwyneth would want to name her baby after him, not the old guy played by Charlton Heston.

I would feel sorry for some of these kids but then I remember they are far richer than I will ever be (and more famous by association).

I would totally change my name to something equally as retarded in exchange for millions of dollars.

What?

When he's older, him and Jesus Jones can cut an album together.

Well there's an upside, they can always call the kid Moe for short, which is perfectly normal sounded name and one of the funniest Simpson's characters. Because lets be honest, if Gweneth Paltrow is your mom, you really need any upside you can get.

I was hoping they would name the boy Orange.

That way, when the children ask, "Who do you love more?" they can say: "Kids, that's not fair. It's like comparing Apples to Oranges."

Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother, even if they name thou Moses. Thou shalt not commit murder, even to aforementioned parents.

I actually have a cousin named Moses. Only he pronounces it the Hebrew way. And he is a Hasidic Jew. So I say this is okay, as long as the whole family moves to Brooklyn and become Hasids.

childbirth is painful...she obviously named him moses because of her burning bush...

I wrote in my blog how both of her kids are going to hate her once they get to grade school and they have the bully picking on them. Although they can always fire back with... "im rich."

Good one #42 (Twisted Humor)

As for myself, I gave both of my kids unique names. I'm not raising just any Tom, Dick or Harry and though I've done nothing like Grace Slick's old joke of naming her daughter "god", Moses would be pretty close in obscurity and I purposefully named my kids after much study.

The Hebrew form of "Moses" is "Moshe." Paltrow actually is half Jewish on her dad's side and her grandfather was some big Rabbi or something in Russia. So I can see the name. Of course the kid is only 1/4 Jewish, and since his dad is the Coldplay doofus, he's actually 1/2 Douchebag.

re: #48, let's hope Brad & Angelina name their kid "Moshe", because then it would be Moshe Pitt, and people could jump up and down on top of him.

#49, it's pronounced "Moshuhh" but I like your thinking...

there must be something more interesting going on in celeb-land.

He'll be called HOMO by the kids in school so what does it matter?

Btw, wasn't Katie pregnant before Gwen?

Moses? Apple? What is going on with these biblically themed names?

Is poor Gwyneth guilt-ridden or something? Poor kids, really.

"Hi, I'm Moses." - fekking hell...

Mo(i)ses and Jesus are quite popular names in South America, and people I met with those names are quite normal and have nothing to do with the religious relation, nor their parents.
Of course Gwynet doesn't lieve in SA, but..

Being the child of a celebrity is a curse.

The worst name I've ever heard given to a child of a celebrity is "Pilot Inspector". This name was given by none other than actor Jason Lee and his girlfriend.

Horrible.

Sorry, it's spelled Inspecktor.

It's gotta be an Easter thing. The "Ten Commandments" will be making it's annual viewing this Sunday on ABC so perhaps Gwyn just had a hankering for some Chuck Heston a few days earlier.

In related news, Gwyneth Paltrow immediately regrets the decision to name her son Moses after realizing Charlton Heston is crazy & kills people with guns. Blames it on all the drugs the hospital gave her. Sues hospital for all it's worth. Names son Yahweh instead.

#53 - I was thinking the same thing.

I could be wrong, or confused by all the publicity but I was sure Katie Holms was pregrant before Gwen - does anyone know? Would make an interesting rumour...

Maybe Katie's holding hers in. I would, if I was in her position. Silent birth, my butt.

There are hundreds of WAY cooler names in the Bible than "Moses." I've always been a big fan of "Habbakuk" and "Gad." Just flip through any of the minor prophets for some great sounding, celebrity-esque names -- Obadiah, Haggai, Stumpy Joe, Zephaniah...

Maybe the kid's name is Moses because they forgot to use a Ramses.

My choice for crappiest celeb kid name: Penn Gillette's daughter, Moxie Crimefighter. Like she wasn't comdemned to a life of Living Hell just by DNA.

Maybe she'll leave a letter silent like she did for Anthony Hopkins (remeber she kept calling him Antony).

Oses
Moes
Mose
Moss

I like the name Moss best. Moss Martin. And he'll call them ommy and addy. What a bunch of ucking orons. Eat my ock wyneth altrow.

Yeah Hitler "let us never forget " martin-

Or

Martin, Luther King

Who cares really- I just hope the kid can't send down a plague of buring hail- While very cool, it would certainly run the paint job on my Pacer

So it is written, so shall it be done

Oh come on - I already knew you'd make fun of "Moses", but calling it WORSE than Mortimer, Sophocles and Capone must be a joke! You gotta admit that Moses is far more better than these crazy names! And it's actually a pretty common name in some cultures, e.g. in Africa!

Wait, I have to recant, they named him after Masoes Malone a/k/a Black Jesus.

I know you will all hate me for this, but PapaHotNuts, you win. I'm still ROFLing over here.

Dweezil and Moon Unit = cool because Zappa was cool

Zowie = cool because Bowie was cool

Apple and Moses = uncool because Coldplay sucks

By the way Jason Lee -- he of "My Name is Earl" who has a child who must say "My Name is Pilot Inspecktor" -- is a Scientologist. Maybe that's another Scientology fad, thinking of bizarre nonsense names for your children. If Katie ever has that "baby," what must they name it? I think I vote for "Sea." Or maybe "Karnival." Or maybe they should just go straight for "Doomed."

This poor kid is in for a life filled with the following...

Holy Moses!
Noah, uh, I mean Moses.
...and a bevy of Red Sea jokes...

I thought it couldnt get any worse than Apple Martin. I stand corrected. Ok, maybe not worse but can you imagine introductions they will have to go through in their lives - like
Person X: So, hi how u doin - i'm (normal, sane name) whats ur name?
Apple/Moses: I'm A/M
Person X: hahahahahahah no.......seriously..... whats ur name?
Apple/Moses: yeah really my name is A/M Martin
........Silence..............
Can't u just FEEL the pain??? i really gotta say i feel for those kids - particularly Apple - not only does she have a dumb name but she's also ugly as hell - cute, i admit, but ugly.
i would PAY to be in the courtroom when they bring a joint lawsuit against their sadistic parents. Nepotism might have given u a career, sweetie - but u can't name ur kids for shit. You should have called it Oscar as a reminder of ur 30 seconds at the top. Enough said.

Moses is a cool name. I'd trade my stupid name for Moses anyday. This mexican bartender I know is named Moses and he's the baddest motherfucker you've ever seen. It's all in how you rock it. Would it be better if they named him Jeremy or Jared or Ryan...

The thing is - these 2 kids will have so much money they will be shitting it out their holes so I am sure they will inevitably not give a fuck what their names are. Except when they get their asses kicked as awkward teenagers for using all of their parents' money & fame as a defense mechanism.

Wow she is full of herself, naming the kid Moses, he is pretty damn important in the bible.

1. Why couldn't TomKat's pregnancy go by as fast as GP's?

2.Apple is an adorable name, I loved it.

3. I dunno, it seems the only people in this world who should be named Moses live in Mexico City or something. Maybe Jerusalem.

4. Jason Lee is more than welcome to knock me up anytime he wants to and I'll name the kid anything from Inspector Gadget to Stone Temple Pilot to Bite Me.

5. I wouldn't mind screwing a dude named Moses. Just to "be there", you know.

I think Moses is a fine name for a child... Gotta run, I have to go pick up my kids Slinky and Easy Bake from daycare.

When I was in China, I knew this huge mongolian guy named Apple. He was really friendly, and could eat a lot of rice. The name really suited him, as he was round like an apple.

Moses? I dunno.. Might work. Let's try it out-(ahem):

MOSES! GIVE ME UR LUNCH MONEY YOU CRYBABY LITLLE SHIT!! (POW! SOCK!SMACK!!!)

Yep, it works...

oh and #45's comment rocks...

Hopefully he'll have a huge cock, that way he can give girls the burning bush.... and toss 'em two tablets for the itching....

Why are some people trying to justify Apple is cute, the kid is ugly mogloid looking, No comment on Moses but looking at the gentics of this woman maybe one of her kids can come out looking cute. They say two ugly people make cute babies in Apple case it was a strike. Maybe Moses will have this chance. Gwyeth is ugly her movie Proof I rented was a total waste of time and money.
I took a Xanax and fell asleep on this movie and all I heard was this bitch screaming and crying what a bore..

All hail Moses, King of the Jews.

#42 Yeah, Orange would be good on multiple levels. Then they could also go for the "Orange you glad I didn't name you Banana" gag.

All I know is that with a name like Moses Martin, if that kid can't rain 3's like they're gonna be outlawed tomorrow, he's going to be getting a lot of atomic wedgies.

Ugh! Hollywood. What kind of a name is Moses to name a boy born in 2006? Ridiculous!

Their next kid should be named Satan. Regardless of gender. Here are our happy kids, Apple, Moses and Satan.

Idiots. Somebody please hurl some feces at them.

@82

Hey. You said ".......if that kid can't rain 3's like they're gonna be outlawed tomorrow, he's going to be getting a lot of atomic wedgies.". That sounds like it's really funny, except I don't know what the hell "raining 3's" means. If that makes me stupid, so be it, but please, explain. Thank you.

Basketball analogy, Mama. 3-pointers. Fuck, how would I know that? I'm ashamed.

Moses is odd, but not as bad as Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily (Michael Hutchence's kid), Fifi Trixabelle, Peaches, and Pixie (same mother as Tiger Lily's). However both parents died and don't have to hear "Why did you fuck up my life by giving me this shitty name?"

Hey, don't forget Dweezil and Moon Unit. Of course, Frank was actually cool.

@86

Ooooohhhhhhh, ok. Well, at least now I don't feel really stupid because I know nothing of sports and don't really have a reason to. I also happen to be one of those lucky women who has a husband that doesn't give a shit about sports either. And I was right. Now that I know what it means, it IS really funny. Thanks for the info, Trotter!

Old Testament theme?

Mama - you're a wise and lucky woman. And I bet you won't name your kids after fruit or vegetables.

Fifi Trixibelle? Bob Geldof is a wingnut. Moses is an awful name, my grandmother wanted me to name my aon Morris after my late grandfather Morris. I didn't, I'm not that mean. Gwynnie apparently is. She sucks, Coldplay sucks and their baby naming abilities suck. I'm glad they live in London!

Fifi Trixibelle? Bob Geldof is a wingnut. Moses is an awful name, my grandmother wanted me to name my aon Morris after my late grandfather Morris. I didn't, I'm not that mean. Gwynnie apparently is. She sucks, Coldplay sucks and their baby naming abilities suck. I'm glad they live in London!

dammit

my son not my aon...

i thought she was going to name the kid matisyahu?

#96 no you are thinking of the name Madonna picked out for her mid-life child.

Should have named the kid ALLAH...

Should have named the kid ALLAH...

I once had a hamster named Moses, I think thats relevant here.

I think it's cute she gave birth to a 90 year old Hassidic diamond merchant. Kid better watch out or before he knows it Madonna will be hanging around seeking "wisdom" and "truth".

Can she please be sterilized now?

Hi, I'm Moses Martin and I am an alcoholic.

I think the name sounds perfect.

Moses parts the both the red sea and Paltrow's vagina

I just think that she hates kids. Or she hates Chris Martin, which is completely understandable. #103, gross, but funny.
I think she should have named the kid after another fruit, i was thinking Kumquat

http://celebrityreligion.typepad.com

Coldplay had a song called Moses on their Live 2003 concert CD, and it was about Gwenyth, so I guess it makes sense.

but WHY would he write a song about his wife and call it "moses"? of all the song titles in the world that he could have picked?

Moses, definitely a better name. But, he'll be known as Moe. Moe, Hari and Kari.

Get a load of "Gwyneth"s name (did I even spell that right?) Her poor kids never had a chance. Oh and we musn't forget her mother "Blythe." Maybe I should rename my daughter "Fushnickens" and she'll have a chance at Hollywood fame. Except I really wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Get a load of "Gwyneth"s name (did I even spell that right?) Her poor kids never had a chance. Oh and we musn't forget her mother "Blythe." Maybe I should rename my daughter "Fushnickens" and she'll have a chance at Hollywood fame. Except I really wouldn't wish that on anyone.

oh my god if i double post one more time i am going to kill my computer

in other news pottery barn kids scrambles to discard the noah's arty ark bedding down the that's so 1999 river and introduce "Biblical Boy Patchwork Surf" in Burning Bush Orange and Red Sea red , and river blue :) - in 100% lamb's wool and Egyptian cotton --

see i took the pg route- i am sure there's a burning bush joke in here somewhere
i have nothing funny to say as you painfully see, but this is if you haven't read it --
http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/index.html

TCLC

You people must have dull names. Moses is a great name. As a matter of fact, Moses Pray is one of my favorite movie characters of all time. Ryan Oneal in Paper Moon. Great movie, great name, great acting (he was hot back then). Biblical names are wonderful and I think the name Moses is awesome. It beats lame ass names like Jack and Grace. My neighborhood alone has 10 Jacks and 10 Gracies...NObody has a creative bone in their bodies anymore. If I see one more kid named friggin Jack, I will lose it. Get some originality you mental midgets.

hmmm...they've been running ads for the 10 Commandments. i think this broad names her kids after the last thing she sees before labor. i'm surprised she didn't name him Guinness.

I dont see what the problem is here i mean granted its an unusual name but at least its not something you would be embarrassed to say in public e.g. fifi trixibelle i mean that sounds like a dogs name.

and why the hell are you taking the piss out of Gwyneth anyway Chris would of had some say in the name choosing anyway and if i remember correctly it was his suggestion in the first place.

I will also point out that although she may perhaps not be the nicest, prettiest or most beautiful woman in the world she is definitely not ugly i mean i would gladly tap her.

and if the other blokes here say otherwise then they are spewing more shit than a thousand babies. Also when you have that much money for doing in the face of it not much work who cares what other people think.