May 5 2006Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer addresses pregnancy rumor
Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer and spokesman, Howard K. Stern, issued a confusing statement yesterday in regards to the rumors surrounding Anna Nicole being pregnant.
"If Anna Nicole is pregnant, she obviously doesn't want anybody to know yet," Stern wrote in an e-mail Thursday to The Associated Press. "If she's not pregnant, she's not denying the rumor because she thinks it's funny how much of a stir it's causing. She'll leave it up to you to guess which one it is."
What's the point of sending out a statement if all you're gonna do is make things more confusing. He could've Xeroxed a page from the dictionary and attached a hand drawn map and it would've been more informative. More entertaining too, because maps are fun. Pirates use them.
May 5 2006Jack White and Karen Elson had sex
Jack White's rep announced yesterday that he and his wife Karen Elson had their first child on Tuesday in Tennessee, going with the name Scarlett for their daughter.
Remember when The White Stripes were popular and they pretended to be brother and sister but were actually ex-spouses or some other crazy crap? It's been hard for me to think of Jack White as a normal person after all that, and pictures of him looking like he wants to challenge Michael Jackson for title of "Creepiest Man Alive" doesn't help much either. I wouldn't trust this guy to raise a damn Chia pet, let alone a human baby.
May 5 2006Tom Cruise is a dancing maniac
As part of his Mission: Impossible 3 publicity tour, Tom Cruise made an appearance on BET's 106 and Park and was encouraged to dance on stage. Nothing I say can prepare your mind for what you're about to witness. Just make sure to brace yourself, because the awesomeness of this clip has been known to physically knock people off their feat.
May 5 2006Mary-Kate Olsen is scared of Lindsay Lohan
Page Six reports Mary-Kate Olsen showed up to the Met Costume Institute gala on Monday night and freaked out when she spotted Lindsay Lohan walking down the red carpet. A source says:
"MK looked like she wanted to die when she saw Lindsay," said our spy. "She hung back and refused to get close ... She clearly did not want to be near Lindsay and made an effort to not get close. It was odd." Later, another source explained: "MK is very suspicious of Lindsay. Lindsay always e-mails her. She is always trying to find out from others who she is dating - MK thinks she's creepy." An Olsen rep said, "That is ridiculous. There were 15 other actors on the red carpet at the same time and it was hectic." Lohan's rep said, "As far as Lindsay is concerned, she has no problems with Mary-Kate."
Who wouldn't be scared of Lindsay Lohan? Just check out the picture above from her premiere of A Prairie Home Companion. You read about Lindsay making people cry and doing pushups with a broken foot and then you see that face coming towards you - you'd be insane not to walk the other way. And by "walk the other way" I mean stare at her rack.
May 5 2006Playmate of the Year was a Disney princess
A former dancer at Walt Disney World who used to dress as Cinderella and Snow White has been named Playboy's Playmate of the Year. Kara Monaco was awarded the title yesterday, which includes a check for $100,000, a car, and a sports motorbike.
I'm starting to remember why I love visiting Disneyland so much. It's not for the rides or the atmosphere, it's for the shows populated by future Playboy models. And sure, oggling Ariel and Belle might be considered inappropriate, but if they don't want me to drop my pants and masturbate in front of the children they should put up a sign that says so.
May 5 2006Denise Richards is spiteful
Denise Richards is allegedly so pissed off with Charlie Sheen that she's not letting his parents, Martin and Janet Sheen, see their granddaughters.
"Denise has told Martin and Janet they cannot see the kids again," said a Sheen pal. "They are devastated. Both grandparents are devoted to those children. They didn't think they would be treated like this." A rep for Richards, who already has a restraining order against Sheen, said, "Denise would love for her daughters to have a relationship with Charlie's parents."
I doubt the authenticity of this story because it seems overly cruel, even for Denise Richards. Stealing husbands is one thing, but they reserve a special place in Hell for people who deny old people the pleasure of seeing their grandchildren. Right next to Hitler and people who take dumps in laundry machines.
May 4 2006Katie Holmes buffs up
Tom Cruise has signed Katie Holmes up to a company called Buff Brides to get her in shape in preparation for their wedding this year. A source tells the Daily Mirror:
"Katie can and will do it... She has great motivation. She loves her fiance and was proud that Tom oversaw this programme. He told her he wanted her to be the most beautiful bride ever. She was in tears when he said that."
Buff Brides? He might as well have sent her to a place called Man Camp or The Sex Change Insitute of America. It doesn't matter how much muscle Katie puts on, Tom needs to realize nothing will ever compare to that special night in the woods he first felt the soft caress of a steroid-pumped man in a thong.
May 4 2006Britney Spears getting married for a third time
Britney Spears is planning on renewing her vows in Vegas after Kevin Federline allegedly proposed for the second time and promised to stop letting her down. Supposedly, he got on one knee and said, "Let's fucking do it again!" A friend of the couple tells Heat magazine:
"Kevin has pledged his eternal love to Britney and swears he is going to stop acting like a jerk to her. Britney is jumping for joy. This is all she's every wanted to hear."
If I was Britney Spears I'd want to relive the biggest mistake of my life too. Maybe next week she can relive the joy of finding out she's pregnant again. You know, take a pregnancy test, find out she's knocked up, and then lock herself in the bathroom for eight hours sobbing and cursing men for having penises.
May 4 2006Paris Hilton lookalike on CNN Live
If Paris Hilton is a waste of space, I can't even begin to describe what a Paris Hilton impersonator is. Natalie Reid pretends to be Paris Hilton and goes around town signing autographs, getting free stuff, and being an overall joke of a human being. She's been all over the media lately, and if you haven't seen her yet you need to check out the video.
Thanks to Heather for the tip, and for having a tongue like you couldn't even imagine.
May 4 2006Jessica Simpson is backwards evolving
Jessica Simpson and her hairdresser Ken Paves were spotted leaving Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills in what can only be described as her final transition into an orangutan. Either that or Ashley Olsen. Or maybe Zoolander. Tomato tomato.
NOTE: You were supposed to read that last line as "toe-may-toe toe-mah-toe." If you didn't, it doesn't make any sense and just looks like I have a fascination with produce. Which I do, but that's neither here nor there. In the meantime, check out more of Jessica Simpson turning into a primate after the jump.
May 4 2006Kelly Brook at Three UK premiere
I'm a little late on this one, but Kelly Brook showed up to the UK premiere of her new movie Three without any panties on. Which seems ironic, since she's wearing the most conversative dress she's probably ever put on. And if that weren't embarrassing enough, her boyfriend Billy Zane decided to turn into a cartoon for the event.
NSFW pics of Kelly Brook and her hairy vagina after the jump.
May 4 2006Britney Spears doesn't trust Kevin Federline
Britney Spears has allegedly hired a bodyguard to keep on eye on Kevin Federline and make sure he doesn't misbehave when he goes out. An insider tells In Touch magazine:
“The last thing Britney wants to do is accompany Kevin on all his club dates,” an “insider” told the mag. “That’s why she hired a babysitter — a person who will keep Kevin from misbehaving and report directly back to her.”The move reportedly came after one of Spears’ most trusted security guys, an ex-CIA agent named Richard, quit because of Federline’s partying. “Richard is a straitlaced guy, and he was upset with Kevin’s behavior,” a “pal” told the mag. Spears eventually convinced Richard to return — after promising to do something about her partying hubby. “I’ll take care of the Kevin situation,” she allegedly promised, “if you take care of me.”
Federline was not thrilled about having the round-the-clock sitter, says the mag, but “Britney told him it wasn’t up for negotiation.”
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have the kind of relationship I imagine Dr. Phil and Oprah to have. Where Dr. Phil pretends to speak his mind, but knows deep down in his heart that Oprah owns his soul. Kevin should just be glad he isn't forced to wear a leash and is allowed to pee without asking permission first.
May 4 2006Tom Cruise changes the law
Democratic Assemblyman Ted Lieu has introduced a bill that would prohibit the selling, leasing, or distributing of an ultrasound machine by California manufacturers to anyone other than licensed medical professionals, after it was publicized that Tom Cruise had purchased one for use at home with Katie Holmes.
"If someone sees Tom Cruise buy one, they think this is the thing to do," Lieu said. "This is a public safety measure. There's really no medical reason for an untrained person to use this machine."
If people are stupid enough to follow Tom Cruise's example then I say let them. It's called natural selection and I'm all for it. I don't want to live in a world where jumping on people's couches, eating placenta, and pretending to be a doctor are accepted forms of social behavior. Hell, why not speed things up and report Tom Cruise likes drinking Drāno and occasionally taking baths with a plugged in toaster oven.
May 4 2006Britney Spears is having a girl
In Touch weekly is claiming that Britney Spears is having a girl and that she's due in early October. Additionally, a room in her Malibu mansion is currently being converted into a second nursery, with an insider saying “she is going with pink.”
Britney is said to be delighted with the news, revealed during a routine ultrasound exam. “She will never admit it, but she had hoped that her first child was a girl,” adds the insider. “Now her family will be complete.”
The whole thing sounds a little shady, but I'm sure we'll find out the real story after Britney gives her press conference later today. Personally, I'm hoping she's not pregnant at all and just wants to announce she's got a wicked case of explosive diarrhea. And then when all the reporters throw a hissy fit for wasting their time, Britney can pull down her pants and shower them with liquid feces.
May 4 2006Celine Dion breaks own ears
Celine Dion was forced to cancel almost a week's worth of gigs last month after suffering a rare ear disease called labyrinthitis which lead to a severe case of vertigo. A posting on her official Website last month stated:
"Celine continues to recover from the virus she contracted last week which spread to her inner ear. Medically known as viral labyrinthitis, the condition causes nausea, dizziness and general weakness. Her doctor has prescribed medication to treat the associated irritations and instructed her to rest for the next five days, so that the virus can run its course."
I'm not a doctor, but labyrinthitis sounds like something Michael Kelso would make up. Why doesn't Celine just admit she shattered her ear drums while trying to outsing herself on a rendition of "My Heart Will Go On." If she's suffering from labyrinthitis then I'm suffering from super-humongous-wangitis. The symptoms are pretty straightforward and consist of having a super humongous wang. And damn if my case isn't severe.
May 3 2006Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes get a prenup
The Daily Mail reports Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are now ready to marry in July, after signing a $40 million prenup which they've been working on for the past few weeks. A $15 million trust has been set up for Katie and her baby regardless of whether she marries Tom, but if they do marry and later divorce, Katie will receive an extra $25 million from him. A source says:
"Katie's family have always been very sceptical about their romance. They were shocked that Katie got pregnant so quickly and didn't like the way she had turned her back on Catholicism for Scientology. But now this deal has been sorted out they are at least relieved that Katie and her baby will be financially secure for life, even if she doesn't marry Tom."
Either this is the most elaborate publicity stunt ever attempted, or Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are actually getting married. I only give it a couple months though. You'd be surprised how hard it is to maintain a marriage when the wife is locked in the basement and the husband spends all his time at gay bathhouses.
May 3 2006Kevin Federline reveals all
Kevin Federline had a candid radio interview with Big Boy the other day, and in it talks about wanting a threesome with Jessica Alba, choosing to save Sean Preston over Britney Spears if they were both drowning in the ocean, and thinking Britney Spears is better in bed than Shar Jackson. None of that has to do with Kevin Federline standing proudly on top of a Maserati, I just felt you'd need a visual reminder as to who the ass clown speaking was. Listen to the entire interview here, and then do something to get rid of the mental image of Shar Jackson and Kevin Federline having sex. I recommend dousing your face in bleach.
Thanks to TK for the pic.
May 3 2006Britney Spears to announce something
Britney Spears is holding a mystery press conference tomorrow, and even her closest aides have no idea what she's going to announce. She's invited select media representatives, journalists, and record industry executives to the Los Angeles Convention Center. Sony exec Karen Phillips says:
"Britney hasn't held a press conference in so long that we know it's something big - pregnancy, a split, we're not sure."
They might not know the reason for the press conference but I know. Britney is going to announce she's finally discovered the difference between baby powder and baking soda. And that no matter how much they look like powdered sugar, they both taste terrible. Oh, and that putting a baby in the blender isn't as much fun as Jamba Juice would have you believe.
May 3 2006Denise Richards discusses the enemy
In a strange interview with TMZ, Denise Richards says Heather Locklear knows why both their marriages ended, and feels betrayed Heather would put the blame on her and call her a back-stabber. She says:
"Heather knows why and when her marriage ended with Richie and she knows why my marriage ended with Charlie (Sheen)," Richards said when TMZ caught up with her on Tuesday. Richards says comments by Locklear and David Spade, who suggested Richards had back-stabbed Locklear, were a "betrayal." "It is a betrayal because a lot of it isn't true and they know that and that's what's hard," Richards said. "I have to try and just stay focused on my kids and forget that part of it as difficult as it is."
Considering the interview looks like it was done in the middle of an empty poorly lit hallway, I'm just surprised Denise didn't think they were trying to rape her and kick them in the nuts. Because that's usually what happens to me when I approach women in dark alleys. Although to be fair, I'm usually carrying a knife and a sign around my neck that says "Not a sexual predator."
May 3 2006Nicole Richie thinks she's too thin
In her recent interview with Vanity Fair, Nicole Richie admits she has a weight problem but says it's not because of an eating disorder. She says:
"I know I'm too thin right now, so I wouldn't want any young girl looking at me and saying, 'That's what I want to look like.'" But she insists her weight problems are not connected to an alleged eating disorder, and she's doing whatever she can to take control of her health. She adds, "I started seeing a nutritionist and a doctor... I do recognise that I have a problem, and I want to be responsible and fix it, and I'm on that path right now." But even her doctors aren't convinced the star isn't anorexic. In the upcoming Vanity Fair article, one of her medics, Jeffrey Wilkins says, "If it's not anorexia, she should be able to gain the weight. If it ends up being anorexia we can help her with that."
The only people that need to see doctors to gain weight are people who've been trapped in caves for two weeks and cancer patients. Everybody else usually just puts food in their mouth and the rest works itself out. Unless their name is Rosie O'Donnell. In which case, replace "food" with animals, small children, and anything else she can reach without having to get up off the sofa.
May 3 2006Lindsay Lohan steals Stavros Niarchos
Life & Style is reporting that Lindsay Lohan is responsible for Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos breaking up, and that just hours after Paris left for Australia, Niarchos was spotted "sipping cocktails and dirty dancing” at club Element with Lohan.
“Lindsay was all over Stavros,” a bartender told the mag. “At one point, he had his hand up her skirt!” Three days later, Stavros was reportedly seen leaving Lohan’s room at the Chateau Marmont.
Paris has also moved on and has been spotted stepping out with USC quarterback Matt Leinart while disguised in a brown wig. There's no explanation for the wig, but I imagine it's to seem smarter than she actually is. So when somebody makes a blonde joke she doesn't understand she can laugh and pretend she knows what the word 'chastity' means.
May 3 2006Anna Nicole Smith might be pregnant
An insider has revealed that Anna Nicole Smith may have gotten pregnant using the help of a friend, but now the friend wants money and involvement in the child's life.
"Anna's freaking out because she got pregnant by this guy, who's now saying, 'I want money and access to the kid,'" an insider tells our Gatecrashing colleague, Ben Widdicombe.
I'm hoping this isn't true, because God forbid the fate of a human being actually be left in the hands of Anna Nicole Smith. Leave her unsupervised for a single afternoon and by the end of the day there'd be a baby stuffed in the toaster and Anna wondering why there's a loaf of bread in the crib.
May 3 2006Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest break up
Teri Hatcher explained on Oprah yesterday that she and Ryan Seacrest haven't seen each other since the day they were caught kisisng.
"I haven't seen him since that day, so all the stuff about everything else is just made up." She added that, on the day of the smooch – their third date, but first time out alone – Seacrest called and told her, "I don't think I can do this with you." When Winfrey asked why he made that decision, Hatcher answered, "I don't know. … I ate too much lobster? …You'd have to ask him." As for her alleged romance with George Clooney, "That was really fabricated," she said. "We went to one dinner back in December, and that was it. … No kissing."
There are a few reasons I can think of why Ryan Seacrest wouldn't be able to "do this" with Teri Hatcher. I'd go into detail, but it's mostly just variations of her not having a penis, and there are only so many ways I can say it. I'm just surprised Seacrest could find time in his busy chest shaving schedule to let her know it was over.
May 3 2006Tom Cruise arrives at The Late Show with David Letterman
Tom Cruise has fallen so far off the sanity map that the little white thing he's chewing in his mouth could be his baby's thumb and nobody would be surprised.
May 3 2006Brendan Fraser joins the club
Brendan Fraser and his wife Afton Smith had their third child yesterday at Cedars Sinai in Los Angeles.
Somebody really needs to step in and do something before we're overrun with celebrity babies. I'd suggest starting up a baby hunting club, but did you know killing babies is against the law? Sure, crying in the middle of a movie is perfectly okay, but shoot one baby in the face and all of a sudden you're labeled a 'cold blooded monster' and the police are trying to break down your door. Where's the justice?
May 2 2006Lindsay Lohan breaks foot, does pushups
Lindsay Lohan recently slipped in the shower and broke her foot before a press conference at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills. She was there to promote her new movie Just My Luck and, despite having a broken foot, put on a show for the reporters by dropping to the floor and doing 12 pushups.
"I was coming out of the shower yesterday morning and I slipped," says the actress, who's sporting a wrapped ankle and foot, a navy Chanel dress, black leggings and flats. "I have a hairline fracture in my foot. I can't wear heels though. That's the bad thing.""This is one thing that I always do and people think I'm a little crazy. I just drop and do pushups," she confesses. "I'm always doing pushups. My friends can vouch for me because they said I had really skinny arms. And my brother used to make fun of me because I couldn't do pushups."
Looks like we've got the next Naomi Campbell in the works. She's already got the confrontational attitude down, all she needs to do now is build enough upper body strength to break through walls and rip assistants in half. I read somewhere that Naomi Campbell once did 800 pushups straight and then arm wreslted a bear but was disqualified when she tore the bear's arm off in a fit of anger. True story.
May 2 2006Paris Hilton is religious and awesome
Paris Hilton was interviewed for a cover story in Out magazine, and in it she talked about being deeply religious, saying:
"I'm Catholic. Of course, they're not going to run pictures of me in church," she said. In the interview, which was filmed for an episode of "The Simple Life," Hilton said of "Jealousy," her song about Nicole Richie: "I brought her on the show, and all of a sudden she became this different person."
I don't really care about her falling out with Nicole Richie, but there's a reason there aren't any pictures of Paris Hilton in church. Although it has less to do with the paparazzi and more to do with her being unable to step into one without bursting into flames.
May 2 2006Kate Moss at the Costume Institute Gala
It's difficult to believe Kate Moss actually used to date Pete Doherty. It's like trying to picture a beautiful mermaid falling in love with a toothless hermit that lives by the sea. Only the hermit gets arrested ever other day and occasionally draws blood from strangers that pass out in his kitchen.
May 2 2006Sean Connery beats up women
Sean Connery's ex-wife has written an autobiography, and in it makes claims that Connery used to beat her.
According to an interview in the London Times, Cilento writes that in 1965, after she danced with a wedding party at a hotel in Spain where the couple was staying, she returned to her room and felt a blow to the face and Connery knocked her to the floor. “She got to her feet, but a second blow knocked her back,” reports the paper.Connery has always denied that he hit his wife, but that year he was quoted in Playboy as saying, “I don’t think there is anything particularly wrong in hitting a woman, though I don’t recommend you do it in the same way you hit a man.” And in 1993, he was quoted In Vanity Fair as saying “Sometimes there are women who take it to the wire. That’s what they are looking for — the ultimate confrontation. They want a smack.” Connery has said that those comments were taken out of context.
“It has been gone over millions of times,” Cilento told the London Times, “but what’s in the book is exactly what happened. I wouldn’t have said anything about it if Sean hadn’t done all those interviews about slapping ladies around.”
That's the difference between the real James Bond and the trained monkey they've got playing the current one. I'm not saying it's okay to hit women, but it just feels okay when James Bond does it. Whether he's hitting you or humping you, you know you're in for the ride of your life. Besides, it's impossible to be mad at a guy who has a watch that shoots lasers out of it.
May 2 2006Scarlett Johansson hates the paparazzi
Maybe somebody should let Scarlett Johansson know holding a giant sign over your face isn't the best way to avoid attention. If she's really looking to go unnoticed, she should try my patent pending method of putting on a giant chicken costume and running through the city making clucking noises. Although I should warn her, using my secret technique will make her so invisible even ninjas will wonder where she went.
One more of Scarlett being uncharacteristically bitchy after the jump. And in case you can't make it out, the sign says: "I'm being harrassed by the person taking this picture."
May 2 2006Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos break up
A rep for Paris Hilton has implied that she and Stavros Niarchos have broken up. When asked if the two had split, Paris' rep told People magazine:
"It is not my policy to comment on my client’s private life. But I would not offer a denial."
There's no word on who broke up with who yet, but that's like trying to figure out which monkey threw the first handful of poo after a giant monkey poo fight. No matter what, everybody's still just a monkey covered in poo. Or in this case a a giant douche bag. Which is sort of like a monkey covered in poo. Only douchier. And baggier. And with less monkey poo. Okay, I think this it's safe to say this is the worst analogy ever used.
May 2 2006Jake Gyllenhaal loves to bicycle
I wouldn't have expected a young actor like Jake Gyllenhaal to actually bicycle in full gear. Then again, I wouldn't have expected him to ruin all of Ang Lee's photos or appear in Jarhead wearing a Christmas hat over his penis either.
More of Jake Gyllenhaal decked out in bicycle gear after the jump.
May 2 2006Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant have babies
Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant both welcomed new daughters into their families yesterday, with Kobe having Gianna Maria-Onore Bryant at 2:03 AM and Shaq having Me'arah Sanaa O'Neal at 4:57 AM.
Considering Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields also had their babies on the same day (and apparently in the same hospital), I can't help but think that something very sinister is going on. It's like the Universe is preparing for armageddon and in thirty years the fate of the entire world will rest in the hands of these children as they battle it out in a fight for all of humanity. And just for the heck of it there'll be a loud techno soundtrack playing in the background and a guy occassionally yelling out "Mortal Kombat!"
May 1 2006Jordan at the 2006 Shanghai Millionaires' Fair
Whatever bad things I've said about Jordan in the past I take back. If you look as good as she does you're free to be as stupid and whorish as you want. In fact, being stupid and whorish is encouraged when you look like this. And I'm not just saying that because she has huge knockers. I respect her for her brain, man. Her big beautiful bouncy brains.
Some more of Jordan looking awesome after the jump.
Continue Reading "Jordan at the 2006 Shanghai Millionaires' Fair"
May 1 2006The Superficial Ketchup
• In case you haven't seen it, here's Stephen Colbert's speech at the White House Correspondents’ dinner. Everybody's going crazy over this so if you haven't seen it by the end of the day you're officially a loser. [Hedonistica]
• Rosie O’Donnell’s new contract as cohost of The View says she isn't allowed to cut her hair short. A smart move on ABC's part, considering her short hair has long been rumored to be the source of her angry-lesbian power. [Fox News]
• Paris Hilton thinks smoking is cool. Another winning idea from the woman who brought you sparkling wine in a can. [Female First]
• New footage from X-Men 3 features Wolverine decapitating a Sentinel. Just in case you weren't entirely positive Brett Ratner was capable of screwing up a sure thing. [I Watch Stuff!]
• When not confusing people with his sexuality, Andy Dick likes to get into fights with producers at bars. [TMZ]
May 1 2006Paris Hilton promotes sparkling wine in a can
Paris Hilton had an environmental ban lifted in Austria so she could fly in for a PR event promoting sparkling wine in a can. Helicopters are usually forbidden in Ischgl in Tyrol because of the noise and pollution, but Austrian authorities lifted the ban for Paris because she didn’t want to be driven to the event.
I'm not sure what's more depressing, that a government ban was lifted for Paris Hilton or that she's promoting sparkling wine in a can. Although I think the real question on everybody's mind is, "Am I classy enough for canned wine?" The answer is yes, my friend. You are.
Some more of Paris promoting her new delicious sounding beverage after the jump.
Continue Reading "Paris Hilton promotes sparkling wine in a can"
May 1 2006Lindsay Lohan can deport girlfriends
Lindsay Lohan got into a fight at Brett Ratner's house after finding him in bed with his girlfriend, Romanian model Alina Puscau. A source says:
"Brett wasn't returning any of her calls, so she decided to stop by and say hi. Brett never told Lindsay he had a girlfriend. She had no idea. He is constantly e-mailing, texting and calling her. She just wanted to hang out. He had given her the code to his house and told her to come over anytime, so she went."
But after showing up at the house, she was shocked to find Ratner in bed with Puscau.
"Alina jumped out of bed and went ballistic. They started screaming at each other and took the fight first into the living room and then out to the driveway while Brett hid in the bedroom. Lindsay said she could get Alina deported and left. What she doesn't know is that Alina and Brett are so serious, he gave her a big diamond promise ring last November which she wears on her right hand. She doesn't care that he may cheat. She's got the big diamond ring. Brett is a 37-year-old man, and Lindsay is a 19-year-old girl. Enough! He needs to stop bothering her, it's embarrassing. Lindsay is happily dating [Keira Knightley's ex] Jamie Dornan - she just wanted to be friends with Brett."
Isn't it obvious Linday just wants to be friends with Ratner? Dr. Phil says the best way to build a friendship is to threaten to have your friend's girlfriend deported. Especially if they ate your last Twinkie. How's Siberia, bitch? I told you being born in Michigan doesn't matter if you know a guy who knows a guy.
May 1 2006Angelina Jolie on Dateline
Here's Angelina Jolie's entire interview with Ann Curry on Dateline. It's not especially interesting, but it gets a bit surreal towards the end because it's just Angelina Jolie giggling for a solid 5 minutes. She blames the pregnancy, but I suspect somebody's been paying a visit to ol' Mary Jane.
May 1 2006Jessica Simpson is really attractive
It looks like Jessica Simpson's transformation into a gorilla is almost complete. Give her another few months and a box of ice cream and I think we can call this experiment an amazing success. Some said it couldn't be done. Some said it was madness. But now who's laughing Mr. MIT scientists who said I was a failure?
Thanks to Davina for the tip, and for looking great in a short skirt. Rowr.
May 1 2006Pete Doherty still a free man
Pete Doherty was arrested again Saturday after pictures of him injecting drugs into a passed out woman surfaced, but was released on bail Sunday after claiming the woman was fully conscious and he was only drawing her blood. Which makes perfect sense, because when girls lie down on my kitchen floor my first instinct is to pull out a needle and draw their blood. You can never have too much blood is what I always say. Actually no, I've never said that. But starting today I will. It just makes sense.
May 1 2006The Superficial Ketchup
• Anna Nicole Smith won a unanimous Supreme Court hearing today and is getting another chance to fight for the millions of dollars she says her dead husband left her. When asked for comment she said, "Where am I? Can I have sex with you? TrimSpa, baby!" And then fell down a flgiht of stairs. [Reuters]
• Keith Richards suffered a concussion after he reportedly fell out of a palm tree while on vacation in Fiji. No, seriously. He fell out of a palm tree. [AP]
• Don Johnson gave birth to a giant over the weekend. And I'm not talking about the humongous dump he took on Sunday. [AP]
• Halle Berry is jumping on the adoption bandwagon and says she'll "definitely adopt." It's a shame she couldn't jump on the "take your clothes off in public" bandwagon, because that wagon is just so much sweeter. [People]
May 1 2006Paris Hilton and her Bentley
Lies. All lies!
