Apr 28 2006Gwen Stefani is really pregnant
I had no idea Gwen Stefani was up for the role of The Penguin in the next Batman movie. And that they combined The Penguin and The Joker into a single character. And then made it a girl. And a hippie. Batman's really gonna have his hands full with this one.
Some more shots of The Penguijoker after the jump.
Apr 28 2006Katie Holmes now Kate Holmes
With the help of Tom Cruise's brilliant guidance, Katie Holmes has changed her name to Kate. After discussing the subject of names, the two decided her Christian name "Katie" sounded too young for a 27-year-old and she would now be known to friends and family as "Kate." Tom says:
"Katie is a young girl's name. Her name is Kate now – she's a child-bearing woman."
And you know when they say they had a discussion it went a little something like this.
Tom: Hey Katie, your name sounds too young.
Katie: O--Oh. Okay, Tom.
Tom: You're gonna be Kate from now on.
Katie: Okay, Tom. Whatever you say, Tom. Can I see my baby now?
Tom: No, Kate. Not until you put on the prosthetic penis.
Apr 28 2006Denise Richards is a liar?
Charlie Sheen's manager has told Page Six that Denise Richards' wild allegations are just a bunch of lies to try and win the custody battle for their children:
"All of this is nothing more than child-custody issues. This all started because Charlie wanted 50-50 custody . . . When Denise said no. Charlie said, 'Then let a judge decide.' The next day, she comes out with a bunch of bull[bleep] claims. Did he gamble on sports? Big deal. Every guy I know does. Show me a guy who hasn't seen porn on the Internet. Does that mean he's not a good father? No. This guy lives for his kids. And she drummed all this up so he can't see his kids. It is the single worst behavior of a parent I have ever seen.
"There are groups like Alcoholics Anonymous. Denise needs to go to National Enquirer Anonymous. This shouldn't be fought in the press. Is Charlie upset? Yes. Did he threaten to kill her? No. Would he kill her? No way. When someone tells her something she doesn't want to hear, they're out the door."
Denise also allegedly told Charlie she'd been seeing Richie Sambora since last November and not March as everybody is reporting. Additionally, sources say that Heather Locklear and Denise' neighborhood friends are no longer talking to Denise because they're appalled with her. This whole situation is like a plot to some ridiculous soap opera. Pretty soon Richie Sambora is going to rip off his face and it'll turn out he was Denise Richards' twin sister all along. And he's pregnant with her child. And has amnesia.
Apr 28 2006Pete Doherty injects drugs into people
In the continuing circus that is Pete Doherty's life, The Sun published pictures today of him injecting heroin into the arm of a passed out fan. The image allegedly shows him holding the syringe as the girl lies unconscious on a kitchen floor, with the next picture showing him sticking the needle into his own arm. Additionally, the paper also claims Kate Moss was still secretly seeing Pete despite their public split.
Maybe it's time I tried out Pete's approach to women. Instead of treating them with respect and engaging them with witty conversation, I'm just going to inject them with heroin. And when they ask what the hell I'm doing, I'll just tell them how pretty they look, making them blush and act all shy, forgetting I've got a syringe lodged into their vein. Then all that's left is to sit back and let cupid work his magic.
Apr 28 2006Jessica Alba is a tease
Jessica Alba almost let her nipple slip while walking the red carpet of Us Weekly's Hot Hollywood Awards Wednesday night, but caught her strap in time to the dismay of penises everywhere. Although one of these days the real deal is going to happen and I'm scared for when it does. Who's going to deliver my pizza if all the men are stuck at home furiously masturbating? A woman? There's no way they can handle all that cheesy goodness.
Apr 28 2006The Superficial Ketchup
• Sharon Stone accepted an apology and libel damages from the Daily Mail for their article claiming she left her 5-year-old son asleep in the car while she had a two-hour meal at The Ivy with a mystery man. And me? I accepted libel damages when they claimed my penis is so big it makes women cry. Oh wait, no I didn't. Because it's true. [People]
• A woman is suing Charlie Sheen because she claims the character of the crazy neighbor on his show Two and a Half Men is based on her life. When asked for comment, the woman's lawyer said, "Why the fuck did I take this case?" [EOnline]
• Proving that they hate men's testicles everywhere, ABC has named Rosie O'Donnell the newest co-host of The View. [TMZ]
• Charlie Sheen is launching a new line of children's clothing called Sheen Kidz. It'll be like Gap Kids, only cooler. Because there's a 'z' in the name. [Hollywood]
Apr 27 2006Angelina Jolie is huge
Word on the street is that Angelina Jolie is pregnant. Nice try, but I'm not buying it. Do pregnant people have huge fat bellies that look like they're storing something the size of a small infant in there? I rest my case, your honor.
Apr 27 2006Snoop Dogg fights, arrested, released
Snoop Dogg was released on bail today after being arrested last night when he got into a fight at London's Heathrow airport with police and airport staff. The fight started when Snoop and his entourage were refused entry into the first class lounge because some of them were flying economy. When they became abusive the airline refused them travel and wouldn't let them board the plane, and that's when the fight broke out. Additionally, British Airways has sent letters to Snoop and his entourage saying they've been banned for life from ever flying with them again.
It's ironic that Snoop Dogg gets arrested for fighting and not possession of marijuana. You don't see Mike Tyson getting thrown in jail for participating in a protest. You see him put there for doing what he does: punching people in the face, biting off people's body parts, and rape. That's who Tyson is, baby.
Apr 27 2006Keira Knightley replaces Kate Moss
Chanel announced yesterday that they've picked Keira Knightley to be the new face of their Coco Mademoiselle fragrance. Keira will start appearing in ads next year, and is taking over for Kate Moss whose contract expired last October and has been starring in their ads since 2002. Keira said in a statement:
"[I'm] really proud to have been asked to work with such an iconic house as Chanel, and thrilled to follow the extraordinary women who have been associated with it before."
I'm hoping Keira follows in Kate Moss' footsteps and turns to a life of cocaine addiciton. I've always been curious as to what cocaine can do to a girl who looks like she already uses cocaine. Maybe she'll get so skinny her breasts will actually invert. Then she can use her chest like a little bowl and store stuff in there. Like fruit or something.
Apr 27 2006Kate Beckinsale is always working out
Why is it that every picture of Kate Beckinsale I've ever seen is of her working out? She looks great so I'm not complaining, it's just a little offsetting. Especially when her workout consists of doing weird calisthenics in the bushes. Why not lift weights or something. Treadmill? Pretty much anything that doesn't involve looking like you're insane is a step in the right direction.
Apr 27 2006Michelle Rodriguez takes steroids
In the shocker of all shockers, Michelle Rodriguez admits to using steroids, claiming they were responsible for her recent drunk driving and bad behavior. She claimed in court that she had been taking steroid injections twice a month to treat allergies she developed upon arriving in Hawaii and that the injections made her "manic."
"I personally am thankful that I was stopped because of the fact that I didn't acknowledge my own behaviour and how sporadic it was until all hell broke loose in my life." While in court, Rodriguez also asked the judge to take into consideration that she only got her driver's license seven years ago, so she could do a "car racing movie" and that "all of my driving experience started and was acquired from a car racing school". The actress claims she's "lost everything" because of her drunken driving arrest and had to sell her house and car to help pay for legal costs. When asked why she chose jail time over 240 hours of community service, she said, "I kind of have to go back to my life, go back to making some money. This sort of gave me a hard hit."
It makes perfect sense that Michelle Rodriguez would take steroids to treat her allergies. I usually just pop a Claritin, but shoving a needle into my ass and injecting harmful chemicals directly into my bloodstream just makes so much more sense. Although I'm bit confused as to why she had to sell her car and house to pay for a lawyer. Are they paying her in fish or something? She's an actress, not a damn dish washer at the local IHOP.
Apr 27 2006Angelina Jolie is still really pretty
Angelina Jolie has made the cover of People magazine's "100 Most Beautiful People" issue for the first time, despite being on their list four times now. Additionally, her adopted children and Brad Pitt were also named the World's Most Beautiful Family.
Don't read too much into the list though since Kirstie Alley and Ryan Seacrest also made the cut, as well as all 26 models from "Deal or No Deal." It's like the editors just turned on the TV for 30 minutes and wrote down whoever came on as they were flipping through. If you're putting together a list of beautiful people, you automatically lose all credibility if Kirstie Alley makes it on. It'd be like making a list of healthiest foods and putting chocolate covered pizza as number three.
Apr 27 2006Heather Locklear still mad at Denise Richards
Life & Style Weekly is implying that Denise Richards hooked up with Richie Sambora before his divorce from Heather Locklear. An insider says: “[Denise Richards] was the one who told Heather to file for divorce. Now it looks like she had an ulterior motive." Additionally, a friend of Heather confirms she and Denise are no longer friends, saying: "Heather thinks Denise is the worst kind of woman - a backstabber. She wants nothing to do with her ever again.”
The only person that has a reason to be angry in this entire situation is Denise Richards since she's the one stuck with Richie Sambora. If you're married to a guy who looks like he bathes twice a month and has an unhealthy addiction to NASCAR, you don't get mad at your friend for stealing him away, you buy her a car.
Apr 27 2006Mandy Moore has 'orgasms unlimited'
Mandy Moore says she's embarrassed of appearing on the latest cover of Cosmo because there's a headline that says "orgasms unlimited" next to her face, explaining:
"I'm very flattered to be on a magazine cover, but the horrifying part is my parent's have framed every magazine that I've ever been on from the beginning. So there's a whole wall dedicated to that and it starts off with me at 14 and 'Mandy's favourite colour is pink!' and now Cosmo and my face and 'orgasms unlimited.' And my dad has to take it to the framer's to get it framed. It has nothing to do with me - it's just an article [that appears in the magazine]!"
There's nothing wrong with being associated with having unlimited orgasms. That's actually sort of a compliment. She should just be grateful she didn't get stuck with something like: "Explosive diarrhea. The truth revealed!"
Apr 27 2006Naomi Campbell beats up another maid
One of Naomi Campbell's former maids has come out with claims that she was also abused. According to The Sun, the servant made a formal complaint in January but couldn't press charges because she didn't have a visible injury. And although her case won't go to court and Campbell won't be arrested, her story will help back up the other complaints against Naomi.
"She assaulted me too - and for the same reason as the other girl - over a pair of jeans. She hit me with her hand on the back of the head when I couldn't find her Stella MCCartney jeans. She was cursing me. Naomi was so upset. She was threatening that she was going to get me arrested and put me in jail for stealing her clothes."
Six years ago Naomi pleaded guilty to hitting her former assistant with a telephone and was ordered to take anger management classes. And clearly those went great. Whenever I read about somebody head-butting their assistant or assaulting their maid with a cell phone I think to myself, "Man, those anger management classes they took really worked wonders."
Apr 26 2006Kirsten Dunst bares her bum
The newest French trailer for Sofia Coppola's Maria-Antoinette features Kirsten Dunst showing off her ass. At least I think it's Kirsten Dunst. The shot is conveniently quick, dark, and from the back, making it nearly impossible to tell if it's actually her or a body double. And anybody that's actually seen her ass before is probably too ashamed to come forward. What with having to admit they did it with Kirsten Dunst. That's the kind of thing that haunts you for life, like getting caught trying to make out with your sleeping sister.
Apr 26 2006Heather Locklear not pleased with Denise Richards
Star magazine says Heather Locklear is pissed at Denise Richards for hooking up with her ex-husband Richie Sambora, and went nuts when she found out Denise went with a friend to a Bon Jovi concert and after-party. A source says:
"Heather went crazy when she learned her best friend had gone to the party. She told Denise she was a traitor who had betrayed their friendship." She reportedly even went so far as to ask if Richards and Sambora were having an affair, and Denise — who hadn't slept with him yet — was too stunned to answer, prompting Locklear to proclaim, according to a source, "Well, I think you've answered the question. I never want to see you again. You no longer exist to me. It's like you've died."
There's only one way to settle this and that's with a naked mud wrestling match. Only replace the mud with me and the spectators with video cameras. In fact, let's just forget about the wrestling altogether and call this for what it really is: Heather Locklear and Denise Richards' lucky day.
More of Heather and her awesome fashion sense after the jump.
Continue Reading "Heather Locklear not pleased with Denise Richards"
Apr 26 2006Ashlee Simpson thinks she's the shit
Ashlee Simpson claims she's hotter than her sister Jessica, telling Scotland's Daily Record: "I'm taller than she is and my legs are longer than hers. I got lucky because my chest size isn't completely massive."
As much as you want to, it's hard to defend Jessica's hotness when she looks like spends her free time hiding under bridges to scare children. I mean damn, take a shower already.
Apr 26 2006Teri Hatcher almost loses her eye
Teri Hatcher got injured on the set of Desperate Housewives when a light bulb exploded and scratched her eye.
“Glass lodged in my right eye and proceeded to scratch my cornea," the actress tells People exclusively. "I was taken to a wonderful eye doctor, and now am wearing a most glamorous eye patch over the right half of my face. I like to look at the positive and the good news is, the cornea is the fastest healing tissue in the body."Hatcher says she should be back to production in two days and explains, "I'm in some pain, but trying to see the humor in the oddity of it all. No one was at fault.”
Looking like a pirate is really gonna get in the way of her having sex in the van parked outside her house. You'd be surprised at how few guys' fantasy it is to be overpowered by a pirate before doing it in a strange van. Actually, no, you wouldn't. It's zero.
Apr 26 2006Paris Hilton still has a McLaren SLR
According to Paris Hilton's world, not being able to work the door of your $400,000 McLaren SLR gives you the right to sit on another person's Ferrari. If you left her alone in the National Archives she'd probably end up using the Constitution to wipe her ass because the toilet paper was too far.
Some more of Paris and her fancy new car after the jump.
Apr 26 2006Britney Spears fires the help
Britney Spears has fired the nanny that let Sean Preston fall from the high chair onto his head. Additionally, she reportedly hired a doctor to advise her on how to keep her baby safe.
“The doctor advised her not to leave Preston on any high surfaces where he could roll off,” an insider told the ITW, which also reports that Spears was so impressed with the sage advice that she wanted to hire the doctor full time, but he told her that it wasn’t necessary.
It's good to see Britney preparing for her next kid by getting rid of people who drop babies on their head and hiring people who say dropping babies on their head is a bad idea. Now all she needs is an expert to tell her why microwaving a baby might be a bad idea and she'll be set.
Apr 26 2006Kevin Costner is a pervert
A former spa worker is claiming that Kevin Costner exposed himself and performed a sex act as she gave him a massage at the Old Course Hotel in Fife, Scotland, in October of 2004. Costner isn't going to face any charges or anything, he just happened to be mentioned in this woman's claim against the hotel that fired her.
They don't mention what sex acts he performed, but I bet it involved choking himself and inserting things in his anus. That's the Kevin Coster I know. A real lady pleaser.
Apr 26 2006Janice Dickinson still loves gay people
Looks like Janice Dickinson is still confused about being a homosexual man. She was spotted at New York's East Village gay hotspot Eastern Bloc over the weekend and, according to witnesses, she tossed back shots, showed off her boobs, and danced on a stipper pole. This would've been awesome twenty years ago, but now you just worry about all the people that killed themselves after seeing her melted body stripping.
More of Janice loving gay guys after the jump.
Apr 26 2006Michelle Rodriguez going to jail
Michelle Rodriguez pleaded guilty yesterday to driving under the influence and opted for five days of jail time rather than 240 hours of community service. She been ordered to return to court later today where she'ill be taken into custody and transported to a women's facility in Oahu.
It makes sense she would choose jail over community service since she always looks like she just got ouf of prison anyway. You can't look the way she looks and not enjoy the lesbian prison sex. Science won't allow it.
Apr 26 2006David Copperfield gets held up
David Copperfield and two of his assistants were robbed at gun point after one of his magic shows Sunday night by three armed teens. The best part of the story is that Copperfield actually did some magic on them, pulling out all of his pockets to show they were empty, even though he had a cell phone, passport and wallet in them.
It's always awesome when somebody known for their profession actually applies it to real life. Like Hulk Hogan body slamming somebody who cuts in front of him, or Fabio unbuttoning his shirt and posing with women like he's a sexy pirate. Or me boning supermodels with my humongous wang.
Apr 25 2006Britney Spears is really pregnant
Sources have confirmed to Us Weekly that Britney Spears is indeed pregnant with her second child and is due October 2nd or 3rd. She was spotted at the Caesar’s Palace pool over the weekend sporting a red bikini and a "serious" bump, and apparently "cried her eyeballs out" when a doctor confirmed the pregnancy in February.
It's never a good sign when news of your pregnancy is so devastating that you end up in tears. The baby isn't even born yet and I'm already scared for its safety. Considering how much trouble the Spears household has trying to raise one child, I can't even imagine what it'll be like when they get two. This time next year we'll probably read about Britney killing one of the babies after accidentally sitting on it, or having them taken away because she decided to forget about child safety seats completely and just tie them to the roof of her car.
Apr 25 2006Tom Cruise hitchhikes with hookers
To add to the growing list of crazy things Tom Cruise has said, he's now claiming he used to hitchhike with prostitutes. He tells Britain's Sunday Times newspaper that he used to hitch rides with men picking up hookers outside New York's Holland Tunnel when he was a struggling actor.
"There were prostitutes, who used to be around the tunnel, who knew me. They'd see me and they'd go, 'Look, I'll pick up a john and you jump in'. So I'd ride through the tunnel to New Jersey. The driver's a little like, 'What's this guy doing in the back seat?' But he saw I'm just this 18-year-old kid. I didn't look dangerous. And they didn't do anything sexual in front of me. I'd get out in New Jersey and say, 'Thank you very much'. Then I'd hitchhike home."
Remember when Tom Cruise used to be an actor and not some crazy bastard who ate placenta and hitchhiked with sex workers? Those were simpler times. Better times.
Apr 25 2006Britney Spears and Kevin Federline split in Vegas
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline reportedly got in a huge fight in Vegas just before walking down the red carpet for the debut of his new album Playing With Fire.
It was a full blown war of words that got louder and more heated as the dinner went on" said one eyewitness. "It was a very bad night for Britney." Another eyewitness says, "It really was huge fight."Finally shaking and in tears, Britney fled the restaurant and raced up to her suite alone -- boycotting his performance at the nightclub. Kevin didn't seem affected by the public row they'd just had. In fact, Kevin stayed at Pure drinking until they turned the lights back on this morning!
Picking a fight with Kevin Federline was a smart move on Britney's part. A marriage can survive a fight, but it can't survive a live performance of this. Seeing that sort of shit in person has to be the number one cause of divorce in this country. Number two if you count falling madly in love with me.
Apr 25 2006Robin Williams at RV premiere
There's only one way to age gracefully, and that's to dye your hair fiery red.
Apr 25 2006Denise Richards and Richie Sambora get it on
According to People magazine, Denise Richards and Richie Sambora have allegedly hooked up. The two were spotted holding hands and chatting over the weekend in Los Angeles, eventually sitting down at a restaurant where they kissed each others' hands and then lips.
In case you can't keep the madness straight, Denise Richards left Charlie Sheen for Richie Sambora, and Heather Locklear left Richie Sambora for David Spade, essentially putting David Spade at the top of this crazy love pyramid. There's probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for how these guys are getting these girls, but I don't think my brain is capable of comprehending the language Satan uses in his contracts.
Apr 25 2006Paris Hilton almost electrocutes herself
Paris Hilton almost killed herself during a surprise birthday party for Stavros Niarchos when she jumped into her pool after a garden light had fallen in.
"Everyone was stunned. Paris was lucky she didn't get electrocuted," a source told the Sunday Mirror. "She thought it was hilarious. Stavros jumped in next and accidentally knocked her on the head in the process." Hilton later treated her guests to a pole dancing session. The insider added, "Paris was so drunk she could barely hold on to the pole - let alone dance."
There's nothing funny about being electrocuted to death. Unless it's Paris Hilton. In a pool. Being electrocuted to death. In which case, yeah, that's sort of funny.
Apr 25 2006Britney Spears smokes a joint
There's no proof that it's a joint or even Britney Spears, but let's just assume it is. Because a world where Britney Spears forces marijuana onto minors is a world I want to live in.
Apr 25 2006Catherine Zeta-Jones loves T-Mobile
AdWeek has put together a list of the top ten celebrity endorsement deals, with Catherine Zeta Jones topping the list at $20 million from T-Mobile. The complete list is:
1. Catherine Zeta-Jones, T-Mobile: $20 million
2. Angelina Jolie, St. John: $12+ million
3. Nicole Kidman, Chanel No. 5: $12 million
4. Jessica Simpson, Guthy-Renker: $7.5 million
5. Gwyneth Paltrow, Estee Lauder: $6+ million
6. Charlize Theron, Dior: $6 million
7. Julia Roberts, Gianfranco Ferre: $5 million
8. Brad Pitt, Heineken: $4 million
9. Scarlett Johansson, L'Oreal: $4 million
10. Penelope Cruz, L'Oreal: $4 million
I'm just glad these sons of bitches can make more money talking about a cell phone plan for 30 seconds than I'll ever make in my entire life.
Apr 25 2006May Andersen not allowed in United States
Former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model May Anderson was arrested last Thursday for hitting a flight attendant on a flight from Amsterdam to Miami and, in a double whammy, was refused entry into the United States yesterday. She was attempting to enter under the visa waiver program but was deemed "inadmissible," forcing her to return to the Netherlands at the next available flight.
Sure, getting drunk and punching flight attendants is a bad idea when trying to enter a foreign country, but that doesn't mean America should start turning away supermodels. If we're gonna crack down on foreigners, I've got a whole list of possible candidates who don't look awesome in a bathing suit.
Apr 24 2006It's alive!
If you can read this it means you're looking at the site on our new server. And that means you're a winner. Anybody who can't see this message is a stupid butt face. And since they can't see this message, let's also add that they have a small penis. But not you. You're awesome. And your penis is a mammoth beast.
Apr 24 2006Justin Timberlake likes photographers
Not bad, but Marc Anthony has him totally beat. The finger is just the finger, but the finger crotch grab is a statement. Maybe the two of them can get together and start a club called "Angry Men With Goatees." They'd meet twice a week to discuss their goatees, and then end each session by yelling about things that make them angry. Like photographers taking pictures of their goatees.
Apr 24 2006The Superficial Ketchup
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have asked the press to leave them alone in Namibia. The government has even agreed to help them out and has already ordered three French photographers for The Sunday Times to leave the country or face arrest. [AP]
• Michael Douglas is so pissed over GQ's alleged misquote that he's started taping all of his own interviews. I'm just glad the old fart isn't overreacting. Don't want him to look silly or anything. [MSNBC]
• Oprah Winfrey stopped by Julia Roberts' house to cheer her up after she got negative reviews for her play "Three Days of Rain." And me? Well I sent her a Merry Christmas card from Hallmark. I'm not very good at this sort of thing. [NY Daily News]
• Gillian Anderson and her husband have split up after 16 months of marriage. Which is sort of like news, because nobody realized Gillian Anderson was still alive. [People]
Apr 24 2006Geekologie still geeky
While you wait for everything to settle, why not take a gander at our sister site Geekologie. You're not really a geek until you've read about the world's largest 3D display or goofy hidden camera sunglasses. Besides, they're pretty lonely over there and could really use the company.
Apr 24 2006Server Issues
We were planning on moving to a new server which is why the comments were disabled, but things have gone horribly wrong. This was supposed to be a smooth operation that would've been finished over the weekend without anybody noticing, but apparently I'm not the technical wizard I thought was. Anyways, hopefully everything will get sorted out and the comments and forums should be back up soon, along with some new posts. Until then, you can swear at your computer for the next few hours the way I've been doing.
