Apr 21 2006Charlie Sheen wants to kill Denise Richards
In legal papers filed today, Denise Richards claims Charlie Sheen threatened to kill her. It's a pretty long read and absolutely insane, but to summarize, Charlie Sheen threatened to kill her on multiple accounts after she confronted him about his addiction to prescription drugs, his addiction to pornography , and his addiction to gambling.
"I am filing now because I can no longer accept (Sheen's) abusive and threatening manner and must stop him from the cycle of his abuse toward me and our children and his continued threats of violence and statements that he is going to kill me," Richards, 35, says in papers filed in Los Angeles Superior Court.Among her allegations: That Sheen abused prescription drugs after the 2004 birth of their first daughter, Sam, and told Richards "I 'better not tell anybody about his using these drugs and better keep it to myself.' I understood by these statements that (he) would physically harm me and our baby."
Richards also claims that, on the way to the hospital for the birth of their daughter Lola last year, Sheen placed a gambling bet by phone, and was checking his pager for the results as she was wheeled into surgery for her C-section.
Things turned violent on Dec. 27, 2005, according to the papers, when Sheen allegedly hit Richards's wrist and shoved her in the stomach after she confronted him about pornography Web sites featuring "very young girls" that he'd been visiting. She claims Sheen told her that "if I revealed anything about his lifestyle, 'You won't lay your head down at night.' I understood this to mean that he would kill me."
Several days later, she claims Sheen pushed her over while she was holding Lola and "said to me that he was going to have me killed."
In his own filing, Sheen, 40, denies claims that he threatened and hit Richards on Dec. 27 and 30, saying, "I deny having engaged in any such conduct."
In a statement issued by Richards's rep on Friday, the actress said, "I am disappointed that the situation has deteriorated to the point that it has become necessary to seek the assistance of the court. However, my primary concern is and always has been the welfare of the children and this action today was taken to ensure their safety as well as mine."
Sheen issued a statement of his own on Friday, calling Richards's allegations "a most obvious immature and transparent smear campaign designed to hurt, embarrass and ultimately extort me."
The statement continues, "I deeply regret (that) her response to my request for the court to decide what’s best for our children has taken the form of baseless allegations that I deny. For the sake of my children, I am electing not to reciprocate in kind.”
Now it's up to the courts to decide who's telling the truth. The woman who's scared for her children and gets savagely beaten or the gambling druggie who's addicted to pornography. I dunno about you, but I've got a good feeling about the pornography addict.
Apr 21 2006Bai Ling at Silent Hill premiere
I'm pretty sure she's not in the movie - or employed at all for that matter - but Bai Ling still managed to show up at the Silent Hill premiere dressed like a go-go dancing flower. She's like some weird scavenger, showing up uninvited to places for the slightest possibility of being photographed. If you check out the pictures after the jump it's just her standing on the red carpet by herself. Like everybody wants her to leave but she brought her own photographer and is just posing and pretending she's famous. I'd feel sorry for her, but all I want is to roundhouse kick her in the face.
Some more of Bai Ling being useless after the jump.
Apr 21 2006Paris Hilton bets away her Bentley
Paris Hilton allegedly lost her $200,000 Bentley Continental GT in a bad poker hand at the family casino in Las Vegas, and her parents Rick and Kathy Hilton have banned her from gambling at their casino ever again. Paris had previously claimed: "I'm obsessed with poker. It's my favourite game. I'm really lucky in Vegas, I always win."
I don't know how authentic this story is since I wasn't even aware you could place bets like that at legitimate casinos. I tried betting my Fabergé egg at the Bellagio once and they just told me to get the fuck out. Sure, I was drunk, naked, and peeing, but I'm pretty sure they were just upset about the bet.
Apr 21 2006Heidi Klum and Seal buy a giraffe
Heidi Klum and Seal recently stopped by Barneys in Beverly Hills to pick up a giant stuffed giraffe for their kids. Usually a job like that requires an SUV or a minivan, but these crazy characters decided to take their Ferrari. Although to be fair, if I owned a Ferrari I'd use it for every job as well. Shopping, moving, walking the dog, sleeping, whatever. The only time I'd ever get out would be to run up to hot women and point out my Ferrari. And maybe take a dump. But that's why God invented the plastic bag.
Apr 21 2006Pete Doherty arrested again after sentencing
In typical Pete Doherty fashion, just hours after being sentenced to 18 months of drug rehab the stupid son of a bitch got arrested for - wait for it, wait for it - drug possession! The guy has the IQ of my left sock, but at least he's persistent. There aren't very many people out there that are willing to be arrested for what they believe in, but Pete Doherty is one of them. He has a dream. A simple dream. A dream of doing drugs and being stupid, and damnit if the law is going to get in the way that.
On a side note, how did this ugly monkey of a man ever bag Kate Moss? Sharing a love of cocaine is one thing, but vomiting everytime you look at the guy is another. I'm no dentist, but even I can recognize there's a serious problem going on in his mouth. I'd recommend Sonicare, but the bastard's teeth look like they'd shatter at the sight of a toothbrush.
Apr 21 2006Vanna White gets a great big star
Vanna White was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. She says:
"I remember my parents telling me, at the age of 10, 'You can do anything you want.' Dad, we did it!"
I didn't know it was very many 10-year-old girls' dreams to grow up and flip over letters for a living. Although now that I think about it, who wants to be an astronaut or the President when you can just walk around and turn things over. I used to be a successful investment banker and now all I do is sit at home and flip pancakes. Best decision I ever made.
Apr 20 2006Leonardo DiCaprio has new super hottie
Leonardo DiCaprio has been dating Israeli swimsuit model Bar Refaeli and they met in Paris over the weekend. According to witnesses they held hands while strolling along the Champs-Elysées, window-shopped along Avenue Montaigne, and snacked at a Lebanese restaurant.
Everytime I read about one of Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriends it makes me rethink my approach to women. Maybe it's time to give up putting on a fake moustache and pretending to be a rich oil tycoon. Sure it works, but to bag the big time models it doesn't hurt to be good looking and successful. Maybe I should've accepted that movie offer - Titanic 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Apr 20 2006From around the Interweb
Katie Holmes took a painkilling epidural while giving birth. And ol' Tom Cruise? Well he was too busy eating the stuff coming out of her vagina to care.
Marcia Cross and Tom Mahoney's wedding registry at Geary's. The date reads 1/1/1900 though, so unless they've got a time machine it's probably not real.
Who doesn't want to see Superman get fondled by an old woman? Not me, that's who. My brain is healthy.
Bo Bice from American Idol tried to punch NFL lineman Glenn Parker at a bar. I think we've got a real contendar for the upcoming "Super Genius of the Year" award.
Pete Doherty has been ordered to attend an 18-month drug rehabilitation program and placed on two years' probation. In future news, Pete Doherty is arrested for drug possession after being released from an 18-month drug rehabilitation program.
Apr 20 2006Tom Cruise is the master of language
In the shocker of all shockers, Tom Cruise isn't the linguistic expert he claims to be. Despite telling everybody Suri means "princess" in Hebrew, Hebrew linguists have confirmed that it doesn't.
Suri has only two meanings - one is a person from Syria and the other "go away" when addressed to a female. Hebrew expert Jonathan Went says, "I think it's fair to say they have made a mistake here. There are variations of the way the Hebrew name for princess is spelt but I have never seen it this way." Suri can also be translated into a Hindi boy's name, and it also means "pointy nose" in some Indian dialects and "pickpocket" in Japanese.
The crazy bastard named his daughter "pointy nosed pickpocket." I take back whatever I said about Tom Cruise, because only a genius of maniacal proportions could come up with that. I just wonder how he's gonna top it. He's gonna have to name his next kid "degenerate puppy killer" or something.
Apr 20 2006Janice Dickinson opens modeling agency
Janice Dickinson opened up the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency yesterday in Hollywood, California. Additionally, the Oxygen network is going to air a 10 episode reality series about her and her new business.
I'm glad this is happening. Janice Dickinson obviously knows how to age gracefully and behave with class, so it's only fitting she should be running her own modeling agency. Besides, I've noticed a lack of models out there who look like their faces are made of molten plastic. There's a demand there, baby. And somebody's gotta fill it.
Some more of Janice Dickinson at the opening of her modeling agency after the jump.
Apr 20 2006Jessica Simpson still wearing her wedding ring
Jessica Simpson is back to wearing her wedding ring on a chain around her neck again. Also on the chain are two crosses; one her parents gave her and another that's identical to the ones worn by both her sister and mother. A source tells People magazine:
"You can still move on and have the memories. Nick will always be an important part of her life. [The jewelry pieces represent] a combination of things that are important to her."
She's been wearing her ring around her neck since last November so it's strange the media suddenly cares again. Maybe next they'll revive the rumors that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are dating. Ooh, I totally think they are.
Apr 20 2006Lara Flynn Boyle might have arthritis
Page Six claims 36-year-old Lara Flynn Boyle told her friends in LA that she has arthritis and is using homeopathic remedies to help ease the pain. They follow up the claim by saying Boyle's rep said the rumors are "Not true."
What's the point of following up on a lead if you're going to report it anyway? I might as well make up whatever story I want and just throw in a "their rep said it wasn't true" at the end. This just in, Katie Holmes bought a kangaroo to ride around the house. When asked, her rep responded that the rumors are "Not true." My God, it works!
Apr 19 2006Lindsay Lohan dresses like a Japanese school girl
She's not nearly as tempting as Evangeline Lilly, but it's hard to hate on somebody when they're wearing little animal ears. You can be the biggest bitch in the world, but put on a a silly animal beanie and it doesn't even matter. She could beat up a hobo and steal his shopping cart and everybody would just put their hands together and say, "Aww, she looks like a little kitten."
Apr 19 2006From around the Interweb
The Sun has apologized to Teri Hatcher for their story claiming she had sex with men in a van outside her home. I dont' know why though, since it's totally true.
Combining Riverdance with DDR might be the greatest innovation of this century. It's like the world of tomorrow today!
Keira Knightley wishes she wasn't famous so she could have sex with loads of people and nobody would know about it.
Kirsten Dunst does her best Garden State impression.
Britney Spears might sue the high chair company that Sean Preston fell from because the back broke.
Apr 19 2006Kelly Clarkson celebrates Easter in Bahamas
Her bikini is slightly better than Scarlett Johansson's, but nothing can make up for how terrible Kelly Clarkson looks getting splashed with water. I'd make a whale analogy, but at least whales look natural in the ocean. This just looks like some low budget horror film where Clarkson has to play the role of the zombie sea monster. And the producers have run out of money and the only costume they can afford is a bikini they found in the dumpster.
Some more of Kelly after the jump.
Continue Reading "Kelly Clarkson celebrates Easter in Bahamas"
Apr 19 2006Avril Lavigne hits the gym
I'm not allowed to look at these pictures because I made a vow years ago that I would never find Avril Lavigne attractive. At least I think it's Avril Lavigne. When did she turn into a 12-year-old girl? Not that I find 12-year-old girls attractive, I just don't remember Avril ever being this small. Or my penis being this large. And yet here we are, having this horribly awkward conversation.
Apr 19 2006Orlando Blooms drives like an old man
Orlando Bloom almost killed a scooter rider on Monday when he pulled out in front of the guy without looking, sending him flying to the ground. The victim says:
"It's only good luck that I'm here to tell the tale. He can't have looked in his mirrors. I flew off and hit the ground hard, rolling three times. If there'd been a car coming the other way, I'd be dead." When an ambulance arrived to whisk Szydlowski, who suffered deep cuts and internal bleeding, to hospital, Bloom jumped in the back and scribbled a note saying, 'Sorry mate!' and signed it. Szydlowski adds, "We both had to give breath tests. He did ring to check I was all right."
I wish I was famous so I could run over people and just give them autographs as an apology. "What? I ran over your kid? Here's an autographed picture of me. Now we're even." Except we wouldn't be even. They'd owe me money. Because photo prints aren't cheap, man.
Apr 19 2006Nick Lachey wishes he caught Jessica Simpson cheating
Nick Lachey has an interview in Rolling Stone in which he reveals some insight as to what went down with him and Jessica Simpson. Regarding the ending of his three year marriage he says:
"I don't know if there were other men. But if she did cheat, it was the result of something bigger, not the reason we didn't work. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I had just walked in the house and found her in bed with a guy. That would be clear-cut. End of story. I wouldn't have to deal with the uncertainty of adultery."
Nick also talked about Jessica's father, Joe Simpson, saying:
"I don't pretend to understand Joe. I don't know if he ever liked me. To this day I couldn't say. It was painful. Do I think Joe drove a rift between us? No. Was he an influence in our marriage? Absolutely."
Would it be totally inappropriate if I claimed Jessica Simpson cheated on Nick Lachey with her father? I don't have any sources or anything, but I do have a sneaking suspicion. And really, isn't a sneaking suspicion just as good as any evidence obtained through thorough journalistic research?
Apr 19 2006Evangeline Lilly is an Easter bunny
I'm always torn between wanting to see Evangeline Lilly naked and challenging her to an arm wrestling match. She's like a beautiful grizzly bear, where you want to make out with her but the whole time you'd be scared she might turn on you and crush you to death with her massive shoulders. Wait, what? Did I just say I want to make out with a grizzly bear? Because I do, I'm just not sure if I said it.
Some more of Evangeline Lilly looking confusingly sexy after the jump.
Apr 18 2006Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes give birth to Suri
I must be psychic, because official Tom Cruise day has turned out to be super official Tom Cruise day. According to two inside sources, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes gave birth to a baby girl in Los Angeles today. There aren't any other details, but I'm sure the name and race will be available soon. Personally, I'm hoping for a Xenunian named "Blorlok the Pretty." Wait, that's what they're called, right? Xenunians?
And in other slightly ironic baby news, Brooke Shields gave birth to a baby girl today as well. Too bad not a single living human being cares. That's what happens when you don't jump on Oprah's sofa and make fun of people for taking medicine.
UPDATE: Looks like the official name of the baby is Suri, which means “princess” in Hebrew and “red rose” in Persian. It's no "Blorlock the Pretty" but they can save that gem for child number two.
Apr 18 2006Le Chiffre is the new Bond villain
I Watch Stuff! has a shot of the newest Bond villain, although he looks less like a villain and more like Macaulay Culkin.
Apr 18 2006Tom Cruise gets BlackBerry update during Primetime
Let's go ahead and just make this official Tom Cruise day. During his Primetime interview with Diane Sawyer, Cruise got a live baby update from Katie Holmes on his BlackBerry. He doesn't do anything weird, but it's always fascinating to watch Cruise because you never know what he'll do next. Pull out his BlackBerry? Kidnap a homeless man? Punch Diane Sawyer in the face? It's all gold. And it's never surprising!
Thanks to Diane for the tip, and for having an ironic name.
Apr 18 2006Tom Cruise almost kills interviewer
Tom Cruise recently walked out of an interview with Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet Söndag after the reporter brought up his ex-wife Nicole Kidman.
The conversation was all smiles until reporter Björn Benkow insisted that experts say that dyslexia cannot be cured by Scientology as Cruise has claimed. There was an awkward pause, then Cruise burst into laughter. “I’m going to, in any case, admit that you have the courage of a madman,” according to our translator. “This is something no journalist has dared say to me face-to-face. . . . Scientology is a religion without divinity. Its teaching is a spiritual liberation from life’s problems that can only be reached through advice, courses and deep studies. Your cynical media colleagues cast doubt over all the good that we do by spreading a bunch of hocus pocus about us.”Then the reporter mentioned Kidman and the two children that she and Cruise adopted. “Now you’ve gone over the line,” Cruise replied. Then, according to Benkow, one of Cruise’s two bodyguards put his hand on the reporter’s shoulder, and Cruise said: “Now, unfortunately, I have to end this, Mr. . . . ?”
“Benkow,” the reporter replied.
“Whatever,” Cruise replied. “I have to move on.”
I like how the bodyguard stepped in for that extra bizarro-world oomph. It's not an official Tom Cruise moment until he says something ridiculous, jumps up and down on the furniture, or threatens you with physical violence.
Apr 18 2006Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels pregnant
Melissa Etheridge and her lesbian partner, actress Tammy Lynn Michaels, are expecting twins together. A posting on Etheridge's website says:
We are thrilled to announce that Tammy is pregnant, and expecting our twins sometime around this fall. To answer the obvious question: we used an anonymous donor from a bank. These are our first two babies conceived together, but not our first time mothering together. For the past 5 years, we have been parenting two children, from a previous time in Melissa¹s life. The twins will be a joyful addition to our loving home. We are a blessed family, and ask that no gifts be sent. Any gifts we receive we will donate to a local women¹s shelter. However, well wishes are more than welcome!
Etheridge is so boring about becoming a new parent. She should follow Tom Cruise's example and threaten to eat Tammy's insides after she gives birth. And then to generate some real publicity follow up the threat by actually doing it.
Apr 18 2006Scarlett Johansson wears bikini in Jamaica
Scarlett Johansson spent Easter in Jamaica with Josh Hartnett, providing the first pictures of her in a bikini I've ever seen. And boy, what a bikini it is. You'd think with all the money she has she could afford to shop outside of Walmart.
One more after the jump.
Continue Reading "Scarlett Johansson wears bikini in Jamaica"
Apr 18 2006Tom Cruise still being crazy
Tom Cruise says he will eat Katie Holmes' placenta after she gives birth, telling GQ magazine:
“I’m gonna eat the placenta, too. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I’m going to eat the cord and the placenta right there.” But when a GQ magazine interviewer said it would be a big meal, Cruise replied: “OK, maybe I won’t.”
I don't know if this actually appeared in GQ or if The Sun is just making stuff up again, but Tom Cruise is very rapidly becoming my favorite person in the world. At first it was creepy, but now it's almost as if he wants people to think he's crazy. Like a weird game to see how insane he can appear. Give him another week and he'll tell an interviewer he wants to eat the actual baby. And then Katie Holmes. And then quit acting so he can chase down babies for a living and eat them.
Apr 18 2006Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain make up
Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain have reached a settlement over their sex tape, although Farrell still plans on continuing his suit against Internet Commerce Group, the company trying to sell the tape.
Yesterday, tempers flared between Farrell's Rottweiler lawyer, Marty Singer, and counsel for ICG, who demanded to videotape their grilling of the star.Farrell's attorneys fear ICG might release footage of the actor talking about his sex life. "You want to start World War III?" Singer challenged opposing counsel, according to an earwitness.
Sources say Farrell finally agreed to be taped after ICG agreed not to release the video. But some believe ICG execs may still ask a judge to make the tape public and might bring suit against Narain for allegedly breaching her contract by settling with Farrell.
I don't know why Colin Farrell is being questioned, but it seems a little silly to trust a new tape of him to the company he's suing for releasing tapes. You don't see cows asking the butcher to adopt their kids. Sure it's because they can't talk, but it's also because butchers would make terrible parents. How are you supposed to change a cow's diaper, man? Think about it. It's deep.
Apr 17 2006Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos watch Lakers
I can't keep track of these silly relationships anymore, but Paris Hilton was spotted making out with Stavros Niarchos at a Lakers game over the weekend. At least I think it was making out. What do you call it when you're trying to watch a basketball game and the woman next to you is trying to give you herpes? Whatever it is that's what they were doing.
Apr 17 2006Lindsay Lohan at SNL afterparty
How do you celebrate a successful night hosting SNL? Show up to the afterparty posing like an ass, of course.
Apr 17 2006Ashanti loses her cousin
Ashanti cancelled a performance in Johannesburg, South Africa, on Saturday after her 20-year-old cousin and personal assistant were killed by a drunken teen driver.
Police said that Quinshae Snead, known as Quin, was en route to Ashanti's hotel on an errand before Saturday's concert when the car she was riding in was rear-ended. “Her body was thrown into the oncoming lane, where it was hit by another vehicle,” said West Rand police spokesperson Solomon Sibiya.
My condolences to Ashanti and her family, but there's a simple way to prevent being thrown from your car into oncoming traffic. It's called a rope. Just tie it around yourself and the steering wheel and you're good to go.
Seriously though, wear your fucking seat belts people.
Apr 17 2006Katie Holmes still really pregnant
It's good to see we've still got people taking pictures of Katie Holmes pregnant. At first I thought the world's supply of fat pictures was dwindling, but now I can rest easy knowing we've still got good men on the case.
One more super attractive picture after the jump. And by "super attractive" I mean my penis curled up and started crying. And my God, the tears won't stop.
Apr 17 2006Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will have a Namibian baby
The local governor of Namibia claims Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt told him they will have their baby in Namibia and have considered giving it a Namibian name.
I don't want to sound ignorant, but I have absolutely no idea where Namibia is or what their names are like. In fact, up until three minutes ago when I read the article I didn't even know that Namibia was a real place. They could've called it Narnia and I wouldn't have known the difference. I'm just hoping Africa lives up to my stereotypes and traditional Namibian names consist of clicks and whistles.
Apr 17 2006Kylie Minogue has new look
Kylie Minogue posted some pictures of her new look on her official site last week. The pictures were taken by her boyfriend Oliver Martinez during a weekend break as a guest of Dolce and Gabbana in Portofino, Italy and are the first photographs of her after she underwent treatment for breast cancer.
I'd make fun of her for being bald, but she actually looks really good with the short hair. Which is great news for me, because I don't usually like to start off my mornings making fun of cancer patients.
One more shot of Kylie after the jump.
Apr 17 2006Sharon Stone buys an expensive house
The guy who's buying Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's renovated mansion for $22.5 million has just sold his old Beverly Hills home to Sharon Stone for $10 million. She can totally afford it too, because her last movie was a smashing success. $3 million at the box office? That's like, huge.
