Apr 14 2006Lindsay Lohan makes Jessica Simpson cry
A little late on this one, but Linsday Lohan confronted Jessica Simpson last Thursday at The Dime and caused her to cry. According to witnesses, Lohan sent over a round of drinks to Jessica Simpson and Brett Ratner and they failed to thank her. Afterwards, Lohan approached the table and confronted Simpson. A source says:
"Lindsay said, 'What's the matter? When your sister is around, you can talk shit about me, but now that Ashlee's not here, what are you going to do? C'mon! I'm 19 and you're 25. Say something, you coward!"
Simpson's response? She burst into tears. "She told Lindsay that she didn't want to cause a scene," says the source. But Lohan only grew more infuriated. "She said, 'Let's go outside then, you and me. Alone. I don't need to embarrass you. I'm not causing a scene. You think I care? Step outside! Let's go,'" says the source. "Ratner tried to calm down Lohan, to no avail.
I usually enjoy it when Lindsay Lohan throws one of her signature diva fits, but picking on Jessica Simpson is a little too cruel. It's like bullying a mentally challenged child. Sure you made her cry, but so did the scary dog at the supermarket.
Apr 14 2006Heather Locklear and David Spade are seriously together
I thought it was a sick joke, but now we've got a first hand account of the madness that is Heather Locklear and David Spade's relationship. Reader Pete writes in:
I saw it with my own eyes. Last night at Arnie Morton's restaurant in Burbank, Spade and Locklear were making out in a booth while three of their friends looked on. But dig this: SHE was all over HIM!! My $36 double cut filet nearly came back up on me. Yikes!!
There has to be more to this that I'm just not seeing. It's physically impossible for a woman like Heather Locklear to be attracted to David Spade. It'd be like a beautiful swan falling in love with a monkey. Only the monkey is short. And ugly. And all the other monkeys hate him because he tells bad jokes and looks like a rodent. And maybe eats his own poo.
Apr 14 2006Brad Pitt gets a mohawk
It's weird to style your hair after your 4-year-old "son" but apparently that's what Brad Pitt is into. Remember when he would show up in a room and all the women would literally explode because he was so hot? Well that doesn't happen anymore. Now they just point and whisper, and wonder if the leathery-skin looking guy with a mohawk is going to sexually assault them later.
Apr 13 2006Tom Cruise gives sex advice
In the upcoming issue of GQ, Tom Cruise discusses how great his sex life is, saying:
"Sex is about the connection. Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it's an extension of that. Where it's just free. And that's how it should be. It's spectacular. If you're not in good communication with your partner, it sucks. (Meaningless sex outside of a relationship) is really horrible and pathetic and lonely."
It's about time Tom Cruise gave us advice on how to have great sex. All these years I've been wondering how he does it, and now the secret is finally revealed: enslavement! No wait, what'd he say? Communication? But that doesn't make any sense. How do you communicate with somebody you've enslaved? A whip?
Apr 13 2006Lindsay Lohan gets waxed
Those crazy sons of bitches at New York's Madame Tussauds have given Lindsay Lohan her own wax figure. I don't know which era of Lohan they were trying to capture, but they aged her way too much. Last I checked, she was 19-years-old and not a grandmother of two. Oh, and that's a wax Paris Hilton they've posed her with, capturing perfectly the hip attitude of posing with your hands on you hip. Get it? Hip? And the Pun Master 3000 strikes again!
Some closeups after the jump.
Apr 13 2006Avril Lavigne has a belly
She's either pregnant or fat. Or swallowed a mutant that's trying to push its way out of her stomach.
Apr 13 2006Ryan Seacrest used to be a fatty
People magazine releases its new "Celeb Diet & Fitness" issue tomorrow, and in it Ryan Seacrest admits he used to be teased for being "chunky." Despite playing football, by the time he was 13 he topped out at around 180 pounds. He says:
"I was overweight because I used to come home and eat a cookie sheet pan of nachos and watch Oprah every day of my life. I remember that feeling and I think that drives me now to run and work out because I don't want to be back in that place again."
I can sympathize with him being overweight, but why does he have to throw in that he used to watch Oprah every day? Everybody thinks he's gay, he's caught making out with Teri Hatcher, and now he admits to watching Oprah every day of his teenage life. If he's this determined to be made fun of, why not just send out a press release that says he was born with a vagina?
Apr 13 2006Ewan McGregor adopts foreign kids
In typical Hollywood fashoin, Ewan McGregor has gone and adopted a 4-year-old girl from Mongolia. He already has two biological daughters with his wife, so it only makes sense that his next one would come from Mongolia. Because that's where Genghis Khan was born. And nothing says adoption like a dead medieval conqueror.
Apr 12 2006Jessica and Ashlee Simpson at MTV Australia Video Music Awards
When did Ashlee Simpson start looking so much better than her older sister Jessica? And more importantly, when did Jessica Simpson transform into a stubby mole creature with no neck? I'm pretty sure I used to think she was attractive, but now I just want to feed her carrots through some cage bars.
Apr 12 2006Peter Sarsgaard knocks up Maggie Gyllenhaal, marries her
Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are engaged and pregnant. I'd elaborate, but that's pretty much all there is to it. Except that Peter Sarsgaard is also ... her twin brother! Bum bum bum!!! Sorry, that was totally inappropriate. I just wish life were more exciting sometimes.
Apr 12 2006Nicollette Sheridan's ex-fiance sells ring
Nicollette Sheridan's ex-fiance, Niklas Soderblom, has put their engagement ring up for sale on eBay with a starting bid of $20,000. He tells People magazine:
"Why do I want to keep it? I don't need that thing. It's a nice way to finish off something nasty with something nasty. If somebody buys this and it makes them happy, it would be perfect."
I could understand being spiteful if she was marrying somebody like George Clooney, but she's marrying Michael Bolton. You don't need to try and make her feel bad because the Universe already has you covered. Michael Bolton, man. You can't top that. It's not possible.
Apr 12 2006Oprah Winfrey is richer than you
During a speech on Monday at a Baltimore fundraiser for Beth Tfiloh Dahan Community School, Oprah Winfrey talked about how rich she was and how fantastic it was. Seriously.
"I have lots of things, like all these Manolo Blahniks. I have all that and I think it's great. I'm not one of those people like, 'Well, we must renounce ourselves.' No, I have a closet full of shoes and it's a good thing. I was coming back from Africa on one of my trips. I had taken one of my wealthy friends with me. She said, 'Don't you just feel guilty? Don't you just feel terrible?' I said, 'No, I don't. I do not know how me being destitute is going to help them.' Then I said when we got home, 'I'm going home to sleep on my Pratesi sheets right now and I'll feel good about it.' "
It's about time somebody had the guts to talk about how awesome being rich is. What's the point of owning a solid gold toilet if poor people won't let me enjoy it?
Apr 12 2006Cameron Diaz looks for something
Sometimes when I'm using a silly sun umbrella I like to bend over and show everybody my thong. You'd think the two weren't related, but that's because you're stupid. You just don't understand these things, man.
Check out Cameron's thong shot after the jump.
NOTE: The title and comments don't make any sense until you've seen the picture after the jump. And even then, it's iffy.
Apr 12 2006Sean Preston Spears falls on his head
So turns out the Department of Children and Family Services visited Britney Spears because Sean Preston fell from his high chair and smashed his head on the ground. Britney took him to a doctor six days later after noticing how groggy and tearful he had become, only to discover he had fractured his skull. The medical officials filed a complaint to the Los Angeles child welfare department and the couple were questioned by investigators who were escorted by police.
According to the official complaint seen by the Mirror Sean fell from his high-chair, banging his head hard on the floor, while eating at the family home on April 1. Sean's nanny is believed to have been in the room. It is unclear where Britney and Kevin were.
Somebody needs to step in and just save the kid now, before we read in next month's paper that Sean Preston was accidentally killed when Britney and Kevin used him as a substitute football.
Apr 11 2006VIDEO: Paris Hilton sings to Hugh Hefner
Remember when I said Paris Hilton was so talented she makes Mozart look like horse shit? Well I meant every word of it. If this clip of her singing Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner for his 80th birthday is any indication, she may very well be the greatest singer of our generation. Or any generation for that matter. Add a few more "-eah's" in there and she could be the hottest tihng since The Beatles. Don't know what an "-eah" is? Watch the video after the jump and find out. I promise you won't be sorry.
Apr 11 2006Britney Spears dancing to To My Sister
This is a video of Britney Spears during an April dance session featuring a new demo from her new album "To My Sister (Little Me)." I don't want to say it's bad, but it looks like something the fat emo girl who sat in the back of highschool literature would make. Britney should give up on trying to look sexy and just embrace her new image of 'beached whale.'
Thanks to the very skinny Anmari more of the tip.
Apr 11 2006Britney Spears visited by child welfare officials
Authorities confirmed today that a sheriff's deputy joined child welfare officials during a weekend visit to Britney Spears' Malibu estate. There aren't any details about a possible investigation, and all attempts to contact the Department of Children and Family Services as well as Britney's reps were left unreturned.
"It's a very standard, routine patrol request," the lieutenant said. "We just roll out with them. We stood by, we took no action, no report or anything."
I'd say it was nothing, but it's not normal for child welfare officials to be knocking at your door. Maybe they realized leaving a human baby in the care of two mentally handicapped hillbillies could only end in tragedy. Or maybe the housekeeper caught Britney accidentally trying to eat Sean Preston again after confusing him for a giant bowl of crawfish.
Apr 11 2006Geekologie will amaze you
Anticlown's a little late to the game, but a collection of sites just wouldn't be complete without something that has to do with technology or gadgets or the internet or any of that other crap you nerdy geeks are into. So with that, I present to you Geekologie.
Apr 11 2006Cindy Crawford pretending not to be afraid of the homeless
It's weird how Cindy Crawford posing with a homeless man is infinitely less insulting than Mariah Carey posing with a homeless man. Then again, this guy might not even be homeless. I see a dude in a wheelchair with one eye and a crazy beard and just naturally assume he's either homeless or an ex-pirate. Either way, he's my hero.
One more after the jump.
Continue Reading "Cindy Crawford pretending not to be afraid of the homeless"
Apr 11 2006Frankie Muniz makes weird career decision
With the end of Malcom in the Middle, 20-year-old Frankie Muniz has given up on acting for awhile to become a professional race car driver, saying he'll return to acting when he's 23 or 24 to get a fresh start.
"I've had Malcom since I was 12. In the beginning, everyone was asking how I was going to make that transition from child actor to adult actor, respected actor, movie actor, whatever that might be. I thought, `Well, I'll just continue what I'm doing and, when I turn 18, I'll be an adult. So I'll be an adult actor, right?' But the things we were looking at me doing were all completely different roles, completely different genres of film, to just break me out of that (child actor) thing. When it came down to it, about six months ago when I really made my decision, all I really wanted to do was go racing.
"I want to want to act and, right now, I want to race. I'll try it out, have some fun and, truthfully, I think it will be easier for me to leave for a while and come back (to acting) when I'm 23, 24 and be an adult and start fresh."
In future news, Frankie Muniz has retired from racing after realizing the only skill he has is playing a 12-year-old with a raspy voice. Seriously, racing? It's like when Lance Bass lost his mind and decided he wanted to be an astronaut. But then that fell through and now he works at Best Buy or something.
Apr 11 2006Michael Douglas says he didn't say stuff
In an interview with GQ, Michael Douglas was quoted as saying, "I don't know about Brad Pitt, leaving that beautiful woman [Jennifer Aniston] to go hold orphans for Angelina. I mean how long is that going to last?" But now Michael Douglas is claiming the GQ writer made up the quote and that he never said those things. He tells Entertainment Tonight:
"I didn't say it. I spent a number of hours in that interview, a lot of it on tape and when I asked the reporter to play back the tape for me, I was told the tape was turned off, and it was something that was written down, and I just don't buy that."
GQ is sticking to their story and say they've got a notebook filled with quotes from the interview to prove it. Besides, if they were going to make stuff up wouldn't they go with something a little more entertaining? Like him calling Brad Pitt a young whippersnapper and then going off on a tanget about how in his day you could buy a hot dog for a nickel, and then fall asleep before he finished the interview.
Apr 11 2006Jennifer Lopez sues ex-husband
Jennifer Lopez filed a suit against her ex-husband Ojani Noa yesterday because he demanded $5 million to not publish a book about their relationship, violating a confidentiality agreement by distributing the manuscript to publishers. According to the NewYork Post, his book The Unknown Truth: A Portrait of a Serial Thriller claims Lopez cheated on him with an Anaconda castmate and had an affair with Marc Anthony while he was still married to Dayanara Torres.
All very shocking stuff, excpet that nobody cares. The biggest surprise that'll come out of the book is that Jennifer Lopez was once married to a guy named Ojani Noa. We already know she took a crap on Ben Affleck, so anything else this guy comes up with is automatically boring.
Apr 10 2006Christina Aguilera at the Maxim 100th Issue Party
It doesn't matter how many times I see it, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman's union will never make any sense to me. And neither will how humongous Christina's rack has gotten. I dont remember her breasts ever being that large, and believe me I've looked. Check it out yourself after the jump.
Continue Reading "Christina Aguilera at the Maxim 100th Issue Party"
Apr 10 2006Paris Hilton is the shit
In her interview with Elle magazine, Paris Hilton reveals she's the most awesomest girl on the planet and so talented she makes Mozart look like horse shit. She says:
"I’ve always had a great voice. You either have it or you don’t. It’s something you’re born with. I’m a brand, a model, an artiste, an actress, a designer. I write books."
Additionally, she says guys hit on her because she has money, adding:
"In Los Angeles, every girl is a gold-digger and I think a lot of guys come to me because they know I don’t need anything."
I haven't heard her new album yet, so for all I know she actually does make Mozart look like horse shit. But I have seen her vagina more times than I'd like, so I'm assuming guys hit on her because they know they can have sex with her and not because she has money. You might be surprised, but guaranteed sex makes for a pretty strong motivator.
Apr 10 2006Jessica Simpson hates her own clothes, gets sued
The Tarrant Apparel Group is suing Jessica Simpson for $100 million for failing to promote their clothes after signing a multimillion three-year licensing deal in December 2004 to launch a line of low-priced jeans and clothing. Under the terms she was supposed to be actively involved in promoting and wearing the JS by Jessica Simpson and Princy lines at public events, but failed to do so, even refusing to be photographed wearing the clothes.
Additionally, when she was asked to name her favorite brand of jeans at an event last year she answered "True Religion" rather than "Princy." Which makes sense, because True Religion jeans can cost up to $350 and Princy jeans about $60. And this awesome pair of K-Mart jeans I've got on? $9.95 baby. Plus tax.
Apr 10 2006Gwyneth Paltrow gives birth to Moses
Gwyneth Paltrow's rep confirmed today that she and Chris Martin gave birth to a baby boy over the weekend, proving all the tabloids wrong and naming him Moses Martin. It must have been tough for them to try and pick a name even worse than Mortimer or Capone, but I think they really outdid themselves. Not that Moses is a bad name, it just seems totally inappropriate. Like naming him Jesus or Hitler.
Apr 10 2006Ryan Cabrera goes to the pool
I know Ryan Cabrera is supposed to be famous, I just don't know who he is or what he does. But occassionally he appears on MySpace to arm wrestle Vanilla Ice and make out with 19-year-olds at the pool. Which is cool and all, because if I was famous I'd want to arm wrestle Vanilla Ice and make out with 19-year-olds too. And order huge buckets of glue to get my hair to stand straight up like that. Preferably Elmers.
Thanks to AnneMarie for the tip.
