Apr 7 2006Katie Holmes looks really authentically pregnant
I've never been pregnant so I don't consider myself an expert on the subject, but I have seen one or two pregnant women in movies before and they usually don't looik like this. In a sort of related story, Holmes recently appeared with Tom Cruise for his interview with Parade magazine and the writer noted how robot-like she was.
"She wore a large diamond engagement ring. She seemed dazed, passive and vacant. She never stopped smiling. The minute she appeared, Cruise’s now-familiar public mode of behavior returned. He began hooting how beautiful she was, touching and kissing her like a teenage boy on his first backseat date, aware that he was being watched."
I'm not sure how having a weird belly and appearing like a robot are related, I just sort of assumed they were. Like maybe she had to be given an oddly huge belly because her makers didn't have enough room for her giant robot processor unit. Or something else that makes sense. Once I get robots on the brain it's hard for me to think straight.
Apr 7 2006Naomi Campbell beats her assistant
Here's the Naomi Campbell phone beating incident recreated through the magic of dolls. If they had actually shown this to Naomi and taped it, they probably could have gotten a recreation through the magic of Naomi Campbell beating the show producers to death with her fists. Although that'd be less of a recreation and more of a 'Naomi Campbell charged with murder' kind of thing.
Thanks to the delicious Stephanie for the tip.
Apr 7 2006Mariah Carey gets perfume
If you own any Elizabeth Arden stock, now would be a good time to sell. They've given Mariah Carey her own fragrance which is expected to be released next year. The chairman and chief executive of Elizabeth Arden says:
"We are thrilled to begin this partnership with Mariah Carey. She is, unquestionably, a star of incredible magnitude. All over the world, people aspire to the values she represents. We look forward to launching an inspiring new global fragrance brand with Mariah that will be a timeless classic."
Well they're right about her "magnitude," but I'm not sure what values it is she represents. Eating? Sleeping? Maybe being so lazy she needs assistants to feed her. Yeah, I guess those are values I can aspire to.
Apr 7 2006Katie Holmes gets a pacifier
In the most made up story of the year, Star reports that Tom Cruise has commissioned an adult-sized pacifier for Katie Holmes to suck on while she gives birth. A source says:
"He commissioned an adult-sized 'binky' for Katie to clench between her teeth, hoping that it'll squelch her screams. In keeping with a Scientology silent birth, Tom is prepared to do whatever it takes to muffle Katie's moans and groans during the delivery."
The sad thing is, Tom Cruise is so out of his mind that all the crazy things tabloids make up about him are actually believable. They could print a story tomorrow that says "Tom Cruise eats deaf people to save hearing!" and people would just assume it was a weird Scientology ritual. Which, ironically, it is. Yeah, I said it. Scientologists eat deaf people.
Apr 7 2006Britney Spears teaches dancing
Britney Spears has reportedly been running free-of-charge hip-hop classes at the Malibu Academy of Dance. It's not especially interesting news, I was just amused at the thought of Britney Spears teaching 7 to 12-year-olds the proper way to gyrate their hips and take off their tops. Although considering her recent size, the dance sessions would more likely consist of standing up, getting out of breath, and then sitting back down with a bag of Cheetos.
Apr 7 2006Britney Spears statue still totally disgusting
Wondering what the Britney Spears birthing monument looks like from the back? Of course not, but here it is anyways. I wasn't sure if this was considered safe for work or not, but I figured it'd be alright considering it's just stone. But, uh, if all of you end up getting fired it's not my fault. Blame Britney Spears and her horribly disgusting vagina.
Apr 7 2006Kate Moss and Pete Doherty to marry
Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are planning to marry later this year, with Doherty telling The Sun::
"We are going to marry. It's going to happen at a Scottish castle somewhere between September and November. A posh Scottish castle. That's going to be so cool."
Additionally, the Daily Star is reporting that Kate is paying $20,000 to help get Pete's teeth fixed after years of smoking, drinking and poor personal hygiene have destroyed them. A source says:
"The only way to save their romance is to save his teeth. Pete suffers from terrible halitosis because he rarely brushes his teeth. But he's terrified of losing her so he's agreed to see the dentist."
I've decided to bump Pete Doherty up from part-time homeless man to personal hero. Anybody that can be arrested every other week for the past year, get beaten up by his girlfriend, and look generally disgusting while still managing to trick a supermodel into marrying him must be some sort of mind manipulation God. I'm afraid to be in the same room as him in the off chance he works his voodoo and I end up naked in a dumpster.
Apr 7 2006Paula Abdul got beat up
Paula Abdul filed a police report on Tuesday claiming she had been a victim of battery at a private party over the weekend. Police Lt. Paul Vernon said in a statement yesterday:
"According to Abdul, the man at the party argued with her, grabbed her by the arm and threw her against a wall. She said she had sustained a concussion and spinal injuries."
Beating women up is pretty serious, but I can't help but think Paula just fell down the stairs or something. Considering how intoxicated she gets on American Idol, I can only imagine what it's like at an actual party. I picture slurred words, a lot of stumbing around, and falling through at least one or two tables.
Apr 7 2006Eva Longoria is the biggest cover ever
To celebrate their 100th issue, Maxim has put a 75-by-110-foot vinyl mesh replica of its January 2005 cover image of Eva Longoria in the desert outside Las Vegas. If you have Google Earth installed you can actually zoom in and see the image here. It's a pretty cool idea, especially considering any space aliens that plan to attack us will be momentarily distracted, giving us the necessary time to discover their weakness and defeat them. Nice try, invading space aliens. Maybe next year.
Apr 6 2006Heather Locklear and David Spade might be dating
Us Weekly is making the pretty outrageous claim that Heather Locklear has hooked up with David Spade after divorcing from Richie Sambora. They share the same manager and have been friends for some time, and were reportedly seen kissing while hanging out with some friends in West Hollywood. David recently declined to comment during the April 2 premiere of his new movie The Benchwarmers.
There are a few problems I have with this story, the first being that David refused to comment on their relationship. I've never even met Heather Locklear but that doesn't stop me from telling everybody I know I made out with her twice. Secondly, he's David Spade. His idea for a first date is probably dressing up as Legolas and running around the room breaking things with his toy sword.
Apr 6 2006Rosie O'Donnell challenges Naomi Campbell
After hearing about Naomi Campbell being arrested for beating her maid with a cellphone, the always angry Rosie O'Donnell challeged her to a fight, insisting that she needs somebody to "kick her ass."
"I just picture this cute little Mexican woman working saying, Excuse me Miss Campbell can I possibly get you... ' and Naomi going, 'Get away from me, bam bam bam!' To make matters worse she had that jewel-encrusted cell phone. That's got to score with the diamonds.She looks like you could snap her in two but she's a tough-ass, kick-ass woman I would actually like to fight her. I think for all the people that she's beaten up, I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her ass."
It'd be a pretty close fight, but in the end Naomi would probably end up the winner. Sure, Rosie O'Donnell outweighs her by four or five thousand pounds, but Naomi Campbell is freakishly strong and out of her mind. You can't voluntarily get into a fight with somebody that head-butts people on a regular basis and expect to walk away victorious.
Apr 6 2006VIDEO: Lindsay Lohan's butt flash at Kid's Choice Awards
Video has emerged of Lindsay Lohan's infamous butt flashing at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards. The quality is pretty terrible and you can't really see anything, but it gives you an idea of just how blatant the flashing was. Plus you can see how enthusiastic she was to receive her award, which I can only assume was practice for when she accepts her Oscar. Did you see her performance in Herbie: Fully Loaded? Moving.
Check out the video after the jump.
Continue Reading "VIDEO: Lindsay Lohan's butt flash at Kid's Choice Awards"
Apr 6 2006Josh Hartnett and Scarlett Johansson do it for a long time
Josh Hartnett has hinted that he and Scarlett Johansson have been practicing the mystical sex meditation technique of tantric sex.
"A really dirty friend of mine gave me a book on tantric sex for my birthday. I studied it to see what all the fuss was about. It's not easy but it's all good."
Look, if Josh Hartnett wants me to kick him in the groin all he has to do is come out and ask. He doesn't have to make up silly stories about having sex with Scarlett Johansson for hours and hours, filling me with a hateful rage that makes me drive my fist through every wall I see. Your nuts are mine, Hartnett. Your nuts are mine!
Apr 6 2006Tom Cruise had an abusive father
An explanation has finally emerged as to why Tom Cruise is so messed up and it has to do with his abusive father. He tells the upcoming issue of Parade:
"He was a bully and a coward. He was the kind of person where, if something goes wrong, they kick you. It was a great lesson in my life — how he'd lull you in, make you feel safe and then, bang! For me, it was like, `There's something wrong with this guy. Don't trust him. Be careful around him.' There's that anxiety."
Additionally, Cruise says he was bullied regularly in the 15 different schools he attended in 12 years.
"So many times the big bully comes up, pushes me. Your heart's pounding, you sweat, and you feel like you're going to vomit. I'm not the biggest guy, I never liked hitting someone, but I know if I don't hit that guy hard he's going to pick on me all year. I go, `You better fight.' I just laid it down. I don't like bullies."
You know how pornstars and strippers always turn out to be sexually abused as children? This is sort of like that, only instead of demeaning himself and turning to a life of porn, Tom Cruise turned to space aliens. And insanity.
Apr 6 2006Brad Pitt walks out on Angelina Jolie
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are allegedly fighting, with some reports saying she's kicked him out of the bedroom and others saying Pitt has actually moved out.
"Brad and Ange have been fighting like cat and dog over where to have the baby, over whether Angelina should continue to fly and also over her thinness," a source reveals in NW magazine. Pitt is also apparently "under pressure" from his family to get Ange to the alter as soon as possible because Brad's mum, Jane, is not keen on her grandchild being born out of wedlock. "Ange has been putting up obstacle after obstacle and it's clear to Brad she’s not just stalling anymore. She doesn’t seem to have any intention of marrying him any time soon."
I have my own theories about why they're fighting so much, the most plausible being that Angelina Jolie has gotten crazy fat. I've also got some theories about her knockers, namely that they're really really huge. Although that's less of a theory and more of a wild exclamation of joy.
Apr 6 2006Jessica Alba makes good with Playboy
Jessica Alba has dropped her suit against Playboy to pull its March issue after Hugh Hefner personally sent her a letter of apology and had Playboy make donations to two charities Alba supports. In a statement on Tuesday, Jessica said:
"I appreciate Mr. Hefner's acknowledgment of the distress caused by Playboy's actions, and I'm happy to put this unfortunate event behind me. This was never about money, it was about setting the record straight about something that was done without my knowledge or consent."
I think the lesson here is that Playboy should never ever put a clothed woman in their magazine ever again. And also take my advice and remove all text and articles, replacing them with pictures of me doing it with all the models. It'd be a bold step for the magazine, but one I think the public would appreciate.
Apr 6 2006Paris Hilton loves looking like a boy
In a recent interview with Elle magazine, Paris Hilton says she doesn't understand why women want bigger breasts, explaining:
"I like being flat. I think it’s hot. I never have to wear a bra." However, the party princess hasn’t always been so confident about her slender figure. She added: "When I was 13, I really wanted a boob job because all my friends started to have boobs and I was the only one who looked like a boy."
It's funny that Paris Hilton points out she never has to wear a bra. I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for why she doesn't wear underwear either, but I just naturally assumed it's hard to get it on when you've got a penis inside your vagina. Zing! She's a whore!
Apr 5 2006Eminem and Kim divorcing again
Eminem has filed for divorce again less than three months after remarrying his wife Kim. The filing was confirmed by two employees of the Macomb County clerk's office, and was made under Eminem's real name, Marshall Bruce Mathers III.
See this look on my face? It's shock. Because who could have predicted a relationship based on money and fame and songs about killing your spouse wouldn't work out? Not me, that's who. It's shocking!
Apr 5 2006Hilary Swank has nipples
Ever since I saw Boys Don't Cry it's been difficult for me to think of Hilary Swank as a woman. But then she goes parading around in see through clothes with her breasts all over the place and I'm confronted with all these mixed emotions. Is she a man? Is she a woman? Is she a man pretending to be a woman? Is she a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman? Whatever the answer there's one thing we can all agree on: see through clothes are awesome.
LSFW shots of Hilary's breasts after the jump.
Apr 5 2006Teri Hatcher not dating Ryan Seacrest
In an interview with Acces Hollywood, Teri Hatcher denied her relationship with Ryan Seacrest, responding to the photos of her and Seacrest kissing by saying::
"Well, I guess what's caught on film is caught on film and it would be hard for me to stand here and say that it wasn't me. I'm not a liar and I wouldn't do that, but I could say that I could still use the business card!" When asked if she was attached to Seacrest, she added, "I'm not."
The business card she's referring to is for a dating service and was in the wallet of one of her purses she had brought to auction off at "Comedy for a Cure."
It's hard to deny a relationship when you've got photographic evidence of you making out with the guy. Even more so when that guy has given you a thick wad of money to pretend otherwise.
Apr 5 2006Julia Roberts looks interesting
I'm pretty sure Julia Roberts didn't get a nose job, but I can't figure out how I could have gone this long without noticing how incredibly gigantic her nose is. She was spotted leaving the Bernard B. Jacobs Theater after a performance of her Broadway play "Three Days of Rain" and judging by the picture I can only assume she was off to buy a flying broomstick. And maybe one of those big pointy hats. And a black cat. And anything else that would imply she's turning into a witch, because clearly she's turning into a witch.
Thanks to Tara for the tip, and for letting me spread rumors that we totally did it in the bathroom.
Apr 5 2006James Ransone kicks rapist ass
James Ransone stopped a rapist Monday night when he heard muffled cries for help and quickly rushed out of his apartment to find a man assaulting his neighbor with his penis hanging out. Dressed in pajamas and armed with a metal bar, James scared the guy off, eventually chasing him down and beating him a few times.
"There was something in her voice," he relates. So he grabbed a broomstick which he later dropped for a metal bar, called 911 and ran downstairs "in my pajama bottoms - no shoes, no socks and no shirt," Ransone says.He got to the vestibule in the nick of time. "There was this Hispanic guy in a blue sweatshirt choking my neighbor and pulling his [sex organ] out," he told Page Six's Lisa Marsh. "I pictured my mom, my girlfriend and every girl I've ever loved and thought, 'Vengeance is mine.' "
"I looked north and south and saw him running," Ransone recalls. As he ran after the attacker, he passed a friend walking his dog and called for him to join in the chase. "I screamed, 'Follow me! This girl almost got raped!' "
Ransone caught up with the assailant as he entered a building on Allen Street. He broke a glass door to get at the perp and then cracked him on the back with the metal bar.
"I said, 'You rapist piece of [bleep]' and heard a crack when I hit his shoulder blade," Ransone says. "He mimed taking out a gun and said, 'Do you want to go to jail?' - and made a bee-line for the door.
"I cried, 'I'm not done with you yet' and kept swinging," Ransone says. Then the cops arrived and the attacker disappeared into the building. An arrest is expected soon.
It's stories like this that remind me not all celebrities live in their own fantasy world. For every Britney Spears and Sharon Stone, there's a James Ransone who chases down criminals and excessively beats them with metal bars.
Apr 4 2006Kevin Federline and Kidd Kraddick Dance Off
Dallas radio personality Kidd Kraddick had a Dance Dance Revolution dance-off against Kevin Federline. I don't want to spoil the ending, but you wouldn't be completely wrong if you assume K-Fed loses. Didn't this guy used to be a dancer or something? I'm pretty sure he used to dance for a living before latching on to Britney Spears and changing his occupation to professional hobo.
Thanks to Ryan for the tip.
Apr 4 2006Sharon Stone is the best mom ever
While flying from New York to Los Angeles last Friday, Sharon Stone stayed in first-class while her 9-month-old son, Laird, sat in coach with the nanny. During the flight, Sharon made her way back to coach to tell the nanny to keep Laird in his seat even if he started crying. A spokeswoman explains:
"First class was sold out. She tried to get them seats in first class but couldn't, and she didn't want them on a separate plane."
Sure, she could have just sucked it up and sat in coach with her baby, but the key to good parenting is hiring a nanny to take care of all that stuff for you so you can nap in peace. It's like the first thing they teach you in parenting school. That and shaking the baby really hard when they misbehave.
Apr 4 2006Britney Spears still really attractive
I had to stop myself from trying to make love to my monitor after seeing these pictures of Britney Spears getting her hair done. I'm only a man, damnit. You can't show me a picture of Britney Spears physically transforming into a pig and expect me not to have sex with my computer. It's madness!
Some more of Britney Spears looking fabulous after the jump.
Apr 4 2006Nicole Kidman wants a Catholic wedding
Australia's Sunday Mail reports that Nicole Kidman has gotten her marriage to Tom Cruise annulled so she can marry Keith Urban in a Catholic ceremony. Kidman was allegedly told she would be granted an annulment because her marriage to Cruise didn't conform to the requirements of the church.
I didn't even know it was possible to annul a marriage of 11 years, but when your relationship consists of worshipping space aliens and eating vitamins, the church can be pretty forgiving.
Apr 4 2006Britney Spears pisses off little people
Britney Spears has been slammed by little people for hiring dwarves to entertain Kevin Federline's guests at his recent birthday party in Vegas. At the party, two female dwarves were hired to carry in Federline's 28th birthday cake, while another was dressed as a miniature Sonny Bono alongside a Cher look-alike. Sources claim that guests giggled and cheered, with some jokingly suggesting a dwarf-throwing contest. A member of the Billy Barty Foundation says:
"It is wicked to hurl abuse at anyone of diminished height simply because they are small. We know dwarves and midgets who are immense in stature because of their talent. Mostly they are able to rise above any insults. But inevitably, feelings are hurt by nasty comments. There's only one word for it - bullying."
If somebody has the money and the desire to see a miniature Sonny Bono then that should be their right. Last time I checked this was America. And if I've learned anything from the teachings of Martin Luther King Jr. it's that little people are like toy pets for the rich.
Apr 4 2006Shannon Elizabeth tapes her nipples
If you know your shirt is going to be see through and you don't want people seeing your nipples, then just put something on underneath. Tape should never be an option. Unless you want people thinking you were born without nipples. Or maybe born with mutant tape nipples. Which would actually be kind of cool. Sometimes I wish my nipples were made of cheese. Not for any particular reason, I just really like cheese. Although that's probably something I should've kept to myself.
Apr 4 2006Chad Michael Murray is engaged
People Magazine is reporting that 24-year-old Chad Michael Murray is engaged to 18-year-old Kenzie Dalton, a crew member on his show One Tree Hill. He was previously married to Sophia Bush who was a co-star on One Tree Hill, and the two divorced last September after five months of marriage.
There aren't any other details, but I can only imagine what it's like to work with your fiance and ex-wife. I'd compare it to an awkward threesome, but the Brazillian supermodels I sleep with are a little more open minded than us silly Americans.
Apr 4 2006Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to wed in summer
Tom Cruise told Germany's leading tabloid Bild yesterday that he plans to marry Katie Holmes in the summer after she gives birth to their baby and the release of his movie Mission Impossible III.
“First the baby, then the film. Then, in summer, we want to get married. I won’t let this woman get away.”
Additionally, he had two pilots standing by during a Saturday taping of Wetten Dass... in case Katie went into labor and he had to fly home. I don't know why you would need two pilots though. Maybe one to fly the plane, and the other to convince you you're not totally insane.
Apr 4 2006The Simpsons movie teaser trailer
This probably would have made more sense a decade ago. Although they are releasing it on 7/7/07 so that's pretty cool. Maybe they can schedule it so that the first showing is at 7:77 PM. I find watching movies at made-up times just makes them better.
NOTE: I've chosen to ignore the 2 on the 27. When you're as psychotically good looking as I am, that's a right you've earned.
Apr 3 2006Star Jones gets a football to the face
The only thing funnier than Star Jones getting knocked out by a football is Star Jones getting knocked out by my fist. It's not that I hate clumsy fat people, I just hate Star Jones.
Apr 3 2006Howard Stern gets people spit on
A deranged fan approached Howard Stern and his girlfriend Beth Ostrosky on Saturday, threatening both of them and spitting on Ostrosky's face. Stern called the police and when they arrived, he jumped into an unmarked police car with some cops and scoured the area until they found the guy and arrested him.
I can understand threatening somebody's life, but spitting on their super hot girlfriend totally crosses the line. If you're going to spit on somebody, at least aim for the ugly guy in sunglasses with the crazy hair. Or just learn not to spit on people. It's a habit people will thank you for in the future.
Apr 3 2006Madonna may move to Israel
Rumors are circulating that Madonna may move to Israel. She's reportedly touring there this fall and is interested in buying a house in Safed, the ancient city where Kabbalah was born. There's not a whole lot of information or even a credible source, but Madonna moving to Israel just sounds right. It'd be like Tom Cruise announcing that he's moving to crazy space-alien land. It's ridiculous. But it's not.
Apr 3 2006Russell Crowe breaks smoking laws
Russell Crowe smoked cigarettes and drank a bottle of port during a New Zealand performance of his band "The Ordinary Fear of God" over the weekend, violating the country's smoke-free laws covering concert venues. If found guilty the venue could be fined up to $2,465.
I was hoping the story would end with Russell Crowe beating a man to death with a phone after being told he wasn't allowed to smoke, but life is never as exciting as you wish it was. Although a venue might get fined, so that's pretty intense stuff, right?
Apr 3 2006Lindsay Lohan flashes children at Kid's Choice Awards
Sometimes I wonder if showing up without underwear to a children's award show and flashing the kids would be totally inappropriate. But then Lindsay Lohan goes and does it and proves not only is it totally becoming as a lady, but flashing your bare ass to a group of 8-year-olds doesn't have to land you in prison. Throw in a top hat and monocle and you've got this year's winner for classiest moment of 2006.
More pictures of Lindsay Lohan's appearance after the jump.
UPDATE: Image removed at the request of the owner.
Continue Reading "Lindsay Lohan flashes children at Kid's Choice Awards"
Apr 3 2006Russell Simmons and Kimora Lee divorce
In news nobody cares about, Russell Simmons and Kimora Lee announced their separation last Friday, saying that although they were still living together, they had been separated for some time. And while no cause for the separation has been mentioned, I can only assume that Kimora Lee woke up one day and realized she had married a munchkin.
Apr 3 2006Cameron Diaz wins lawsuit
The photographer that tried to sell nude pictures of Cameron Diaz back to her for $3 million was convicted last Friday on felony charges of forgery, perjury and attempted grand larceny, and is now serving a four year sentence.
Blackmail is fun and all, but try to make sure you've actually got some embarrassing information to work with before you try it. I suggest video of them molesting a farm animal. If you have trouble getting it, just fake the whole thing with a cardboard cutout of their face taped to yours. Or forget the cardboard cutout and just fondle the farm animals anyway. Either way you're having fun, and that's what really matters.
