Mar 24 2006Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid

I thought they decided on Capone. I hate Gwyneth.

Mortimer, poor kid...!

That kid is guaranteed to get his ass kicked everyday of his life.

Nah, with a name like Mortimer, you can't get your ass beat.

If anything, the kid will realize he sucks at life and maybe conjure up some evil spells or something and eventually be penned "Evil Mortimer."

Then, and only then, will the true origin of his name take shape (see: "Uncle Morty")

She is totally heartless. Why doesn't she just stick to fruit? She could name him Peach. And it would STILL ensure that his ass is going to be grass, if that's one of her requirements for choosing a name.

I get it, she couldn't get attention anymore through her acting so she decided that a shitty name would at least get her in the papers. What a bitch, here is an article where Bob Geldoff's daughter Peaches talks about all the teasing that little Apple has in front of her.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,121025,00.html

Why can't Gwyneth do something scandalous like, eat a steak or something?

She bores me.

The main question people have about a child named Mortimer is: How often will he be beaten senseless at school? The answer is: Often. If necessary, I'll take care of it myself. And while some might think it unfair for a 6'3" 195 lbs adult male to mercilessly and repeatedly pummel a small boy with a stupid name, keep in mind two things:

1. It's the natural order of things;
2. It's all for charity.

I like to work the body first and then finish off with a few jaw-cracking kicks to the face. After a week of that I think li'l Morty will change his name to anything I demand. I'm thinking...something like Barbara. Yeah, I think Barbara will suit that pasty li'l half-Brit just fine.

Yeah, I guess anything to kiss up to the BIGGEST director in Hollywood.

Mortimer? Is she going to give birth to a 76 year-old? Might as well make is middle name Everlast, like the punching bags.

So as one of his baby gifts, I think I will send him a size Zero Smoking Jacket, a pipe, and acopy of the Financial Times.

Might as well name him Pulp, since that's what he will be beaten into when he goes to school with a name like Mortimer.

Why not just name the little turd, "My Mom's Godfather is Steven Spielberg" and be done with it. Sure, it's a little unwieldy, but it gets the point across that this child is not like the rest of you dirty, ugly, low-life, non-celebrity scum. Which, after all, is the whole point of naming him Mortimer.

One would think that she would name her first male child after her beloved father, Bruce. I don't like the name but it would be a nice gesture on her part. Mortimer, that's ridiculous and hopefully not true. Doesn't her husband have a say in any of this?

Mortimer Martin... sounds like a cheesy, 30's cartoon strip superhero's alias. With Gwynie and Chris' DNA I'm sure he'll look like one too, however the only thing super about him will be the "super" bitch that spawned him. Good luck, kiddo!

She obviously is bored in London. Yeah, why doesn't she pay homage to her father? And I just saw the comments she made comparing London's bombing to 9/11. Obviously, unlike me, she didn't know anyone who died that day. I used to like her, now I will not pay a penny to see a movie she is in.

Ah..she's yanking our collective chains. Everyone knows that she names her children the last thing she eats before going into labor. Look for the new kid to be named SlimJim...or HOHO...or ChrisMartinsPenis...

plus side:

I can name my child Capone in the future without anyone saying I copied Gwenyth :)

I prefer "Fucky Face."

Jayne, LOL - love it!

She should have named him Orange. Then when we're talking about how ugly her kids' faces her, we'll be comparing Apple's to Orange's.

You guys are crazy. I named my second born child "Dickless Puusyface" and he only gets picked on every now and then, and he has only been beaten up once at school.

Fuck, I forgot, I home-school him.

You should have seen it though, I really kicked the shit out of that little fagggot. Let Mortimer there's an opening at the PapaHotNuts School for the Gifted.

Clang clang rattle bing bang gonna make my noise all day

Is it me or does Mortimer actually sound NORMAL considering her first child's name is Apple. Just wondering...

Why not just name him Beat Me Up at Recess?

Like this kid wasn't going to get a hard time anyway "Hey Mortifag your mom's so ugly the doctor slapped her when you were born"

Mortimer, so Trading Places.

#22 PapaHotnuts, Thanks alot, I just had to leave work early to change my pants........

Hasn't the kid already been beaten up and he's not even fuckin born yet?!

I've recenly become phsycic and can see into the future. . . Gweneth Paltrow murdered by own children . . . I think that the jugde will rule in their favor and let them off with an apology!

I never knew she was related to Steven S. I wondered how she got into Hollywood with her shitty acting.

If she wanted to name the kid after her godfather, how about just naming him "Steven Allan Speilberg?" Better yet, why not just name him "Seven?"

Eh. The kid can always change it when he's of age. Abbie Hoffman named his kid "America" for God's sake. As soon as the kid turned 18, he changed it to Allan. I recommend the same for "Morty" or "Capone" or "Cabbage," or whatever vile name she inflicts on the poor little bastard.

Gweneth is right. Anyone mourning over the murder of a loved one is a huge crybaby. What a bunch of wusses!

Noone understands suffering quite like the rich and famous. Or Politics, for that matter.

Crap, that reminds me. I forgot to watch the Emmy's so I could figure out who to vote for.

#30 - RainMaker

I agree with you, and was actually considering posting that. But then there's a whole new problem... Her kid would be "Steve Martin".

#24 - Agreed, and after his first couple cartoons they can rename him to "Mickey." What? Oh, okay.

crazy. bitch.

good one springfire.... "Mortimer.... Be Quiet!!!"

yeah these kids will be well adjusted human beings....no worries there.

Actually, living in London, Mortimer might not be so bad. The "Mortimer" in Layer Cake administered one of the better beat downs I've seen.

The real sad thing about Apple is that the full name is Apple Martin. One "i" short of one of the girliest drinks ever.

Damn you, PapaHotNuts! I just woke up a houseful of guests laughing at you. Are you related to Doug Clark?

meh, reminds me of that episode of Scrubs when Matthew Perry guest starred as a character called 'Murray.' Gwen-McFugFug should really watch that before giving her child dirty old man names, coz one day when she really needs a kidney she'll regret ever being an attention-seeking-pasty-boring-fatass who names her kid Mortimer!

Can you say. "I wouldn't fuck her if I had been poisoned and her pussy juice was the antidote??" Yeah me too.

Voldemort?

#38 good point, i hadn't realized that!
and #41, ew. in a good way.

The kids have Steven Spielberg as their God Father, the hottest (as in fame) friggin British Rock Star in history, and an Oscar Winning actress as their relatives. Do you seriously think they're going to get "teased" at school? Even if they did, Steven would probably make a movie about it and Chris might even write a song to ruin them.

Let's face it, rich kids gets more advantage.

Mortimer? Wow. Why not just call him Uncle Fester? Either way he's gonna get his arse kicked throughout his school years.

silly ppl

In related news, I heard that Tom Cruise ate soup IMMEDIATELY BEFORE the infamous couch jumping incident on Oprah! Both he and Gwyneth are shocking in their lack of common sense... just crazy! One thing is for sure: these poor kids are going to lead "interesting" lives...HA! Katie and Tom may as well name their child MORTIMER as well!

Oh, come on, why do you still believe in this shit? There were hundreds of news concerning the baby's name.. First they said it would be Capone, then Sophocles, now Mortimer.. I don't believe any of these rumours!

I truly think they'll name their son Bruce, because that's what Gwyneth said in interviews very often! She was devoted to her father and wants to name her first son after him, so forget about "Uncle Morty"!

And the comment of one of the others, saying "Doesn't have the father have a say in this?" made me laugh, considering the fact that Chris Martin was actually the one who came up with the name Apple ;)

What the hell is wrong with MOrtimer? Isn't she Jewish, or her dad is? Well, maybe he's going to be a rabbi or a cantor or something, then when he's 45, the name will catch up to his age and all will be well. By that time she'll be dead and he can go shit on her grave while singing the Torah.

Gwyneth is a bitter, no career douchebag, who, like Madonna is living her revenge throught her kids. Oh wait that's what sll parents do, I forgot. Hi PAPA.

Mortimer? Horrible! I heard she was naming the baby Capone a while ago and I thought that was bad enough. A few people asked why she doesn't pay hommage to her father and name the baby Bruce. She's Jewish and I thought I heard that Jewish people don't name children after the deceased, just the living.

you guys forget the johnny cash song, A Boy Named Sue. perhaps there is a reason for this name:

And he said: "Son, this world is rough
And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough
And I knew I wouldn't be there to help ya along.
So I give ya that name and I said goodbye
I knew you'd have to get tough or die
And it's the name that helped to make you strong."

He said: "Now you just fought one hell of a fight
And I know you hate me, and you got the right
To kill me now, and I wouldn't blame you if you do.
But ya ought to thank me, before I die,
For the gravel in ya guts and the spit in ya eye
Cause I'm the son-of-a-bitch that named you "Sue.'"

If you want your kid to get beat up at school that badly, why not just name him something normal, like Bob, and slap a KICK ME HARD note to his back as he heads out to school each day. It's not that hard, Gwynneth, I do it every day.

I thought naming your child Mortimer went out with the consumption. In fact, isn't Mortimer a last name or something? So you can't really do anything but inherit it. I bet Mortimer was the name of Chris Martin's uncle or something, therefore you must torture your unborn child with the horror of being named after the uncle that used to molest you as a child.

I think the name Mortimer is GREAT!

When i have kids i'll name them after the dwarfs in: Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs

THEN THEN OMMMMMMG I'll name one Bob The Builder! and i'll name the other FRUBES*

* - Hint my sarcasm

Yes #49 her dad Bruce was Jewish..her mom is actress Blythe Danner (who I love) and of course that's how she got her big "breaks" in Hollywood. It worked for Bridget Fonda, Kate Hudson etc...

By the way, the Jews ARE supposed to name the kids after the dead. That;s the idea.

I think she should name her next three kids Farfalla, Zoe McBlowey, and Rainbow Humper. In that order. No matter if they are boys or girls.

I kinda liked her, years ago. Now she's just weird and attention seeking.

I overheard her, in a crowded Piggly Wiggly, before she got overblown, say that Tom loves the cock.

I guess Mortimer is better than Zowie, Dweezil, Moon Unit and Fifi Trixiebelle -- maybe Chris Martin should try a little harder if he wants to do the rock star weird name thing. Maybe they should name him Bono, or Slash. Or maybe Sting.

If she has twins, cumquat and fuckwhat would be cute.

shes still pregnant? i thought took care of that by punching her tummy? Maybe the weirdo is naming the ghost?

shes still pregnant? i thought someone took care of that by punching her tummy? Maybe the weirdo is naming the ghost?

if they wanted it to be a tribute to Steven Spielberg, why not name the kid after a cool character from one of his films. Like Indiana or Quint. Hell, even Short-Round would be an improvement on Mortimer. But given the parents, maybe ET would be the most accurate.

#21. LOL!!

I really thought she'd go with Oranges for this one......

Gwyneth is a moron who is only famous because of her parents. She is a horrible actress and anyone who chooses to name a child Apple or Mortimer without being on acid is a complete freak!

Considering that her mom's name is Blythe..... the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree..... literally. Poor little Mortie. He's doomed for substance abuse coping methods.

MORTIMER?!

Wow. I have nothing to say here. I am at a loss for words. Which is rare.

sorry to ruin all ur bad mouthing guys...she actually named it Moses which i think is quite a nice name...

this is the second child she has named with a biblical reference!

give her a break...would you really care wat she was naming her child if she was just a lady on your street?

wow, he's gonna get beat at school!

#68 go to church. please.