Mar 31 2006Britney Spears' people sues Hyori Lee's people
Songwriters for Britney Spears are seeking damages from a South Korean pop composer for plagiarism, saying Hyori Lee's "Get Ya" is a little too similar to Britney Spears' "Do Something." I'm not familiar with either song, but I did watch the music video for "Get Ya" (above) and I'm gonna have to rule in Hyori's favor. Giving me a raging hard-on is always step one in winning me over. You could run over my family in your car and as long as you look great dancing around in a short skirt I'd just shrug and say, "Don't worry about it." Besides, the song steals more from the James Bond Theme than anything else.
Mar 31 2006Naomi Campbell still beating people up
Naomi Campbell was charged with assault for hitting her housekeeper in the head with a Swarovski crystal-encrusted Blackberry after accusing her of stealing clothes when she couldn't find a pair of jeans she wanted to wear on "Oprah."
Ever the diva, Campbell hid the handcuffs under a white fur poncho. Sources said she also asked to ride in her own car to the police stationhouse and then paused as her minions begged cops to let them fix her bangs before she was escorted outside. The requests were denied."[She] told her people to lie, to say the maid tripped and hit her head," a police source said. "Her staff is afraid of her - afraid she'll go off on them and they'll lose her paycheck."
Naomi was released on bail and in a statement released late last night denied the housekeeper's claims as completely untrue.
"She is sadly mistaken if she thinks she can extract money from me by concocting lies by recycling old stories. I have asked my lawyer to look into filing both theft and extortion charges against her."
It's hard to believe Naomi Campbell's side of the story when she already has a reputation for head-butting and face-slapping the help. The maid should be thankful all she got was a phone to the head, as opposed to Naomi punching through her stomach and eating her heart. Which is actually what I do. How else are they supposed to learn?
Mar 31 2006Matt LeBlanc is single again
Matt LeBlanc and former model Melissa McKnight have filed for divorce after three years of marriage. According to The Sun, their marriage started falling apart after Matt was lured into a strip club and started groping strippers. Matt and Melissa have a two-year-old daughter who suffers from a neurological condition, as well as two children from Melissa's earlier marriage.
If there's a lesson to be learned here, it's that all married people should go to strip clubs because strippers take their clothes off and that's sexy.
Mar 30 2006Justin Timberlake doesn't approve of K-Fed
Justin Timberlake reportedly disapproves of Britney's husband Kevin Federline, according to Star magazine. “He thinks Kevin is gross, and there’s not much that would change his mind about that,” a source said. “He says that they [Spears and Timberlake] had a lot of great years together, and he’s pretty sad at how things turned out for her.”
Well now that Timberlake has called K-Fed out, there's really only one way to settle this - a dance-off. I'll give K-Fed the advantage, since he's built up stamina from tossing Britney's chubby ass around the bedroom.
Mar 30 2006Gwyneth Paltrow, pregnant and drinking
Gwyneth Paltrow was visibly annoyed at the stares and pointing when she had dinner with hubby Chris Martin on Tuesday at lower East Side sushi bar Cube 63. "People were looking and waving, and she just tried to melt further into the corner," according to one witness. Diners observed Martin pick up several bottles of Guinness at a nearby deli, and they were surprised when Paltrow, who is five months pregnant with the couple's second child, drank one herself.
Now if there's one thing I know, it's that babies need tons and tons of booze. Or maybe milk. I can't really remember which. This may be why I flunked out of vet school. Seriously, those were some of the ugliest babies I've ever seen.
Mar 30 2006Pete Doherty buys a lot of cars
Pete Doherty has been busy buying old Jaguars, parking them illegally and then buying replacements when they get towed away. He's now gone through eight Jags in as many weeks, according to the Daily Mirror. Doherty generally chooses cars that cost less than $2,000. When his last was towed, he went straight to his favorite vintage Jag dealer, quickly found a gray sedan he liked, slapped down the cash and drove off.
It's increasingly obvious that he and Whitney Houston have to get together, sort of like the crackhead version of the Highlander. Except instead of fighting, they'll root through old garbage and puke on each other.
Mar 29 2006Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest kiss on beach
Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest were caught making out on a Malibu beach over the weekend after having lunch at a nearby restaurant.
“The were immersed,” says an eyewitness, who noticed Hatcher massaging Seacrest’s neck. “Every now and then, they’d embrace.”
“Teri frequently laughed loudly at Ryan’s jokes,” says an onlooker. “They were very animated with each other.”
If you want to stop the teasing and prove to the world you're not gay, making out with Teri Hatcher isn't the best way to go about it. Sure she's a girl and it's technically correct, but so is Rosie O'Donnell. That doesn't mean making out with Rosie O'Donnell proves you're not gay. If anything it proves you're blind. Plus, getting caught kissing Teri Hatcher is infinitely more embarrassing than being a closet homosexual.
Mar 29 2006Mariah Carey shows off her beaver
You probably thought I meant an actual beaver and got all excited because hey, who doesn't love a cute animal? But then you saw Mariah Carey's vagina and let out a cry of shame, tricked once again into looking at female genitalia on the internet. Oh the humanity.
One more NSFW shot after the jump.
Mar 29 2006Sinead O'Connor likes mature men
Here's a pic of Sinead O'Connor and her boyfriend Doctor Emmitt Brown. It looks like they're sharing a tender moment. Or maybe that's just how close Sinead has to get so he can hear her.
Mar 29 2006Whitney Houston has some issues
Whitney Houston's sister-in-law Tina Brown says the singer has become a half-toothless crack addict who hangs out in dangerous drug dens and sees "demons" in fits of dope-induced paranoia. Among other things, Tina claims that: Whitney hallucinates and sees "demons" when she's high * She bites and beats herself black-and-blue but blames the "Devil" for the injuries * Whitney smoked crack on the way to drug rehab meetings * Whitney loses her $6,000 set of false teeth when she's high and once appeared toothless, scaring the kids at her niece's school * Whitney smokes as much as an "eight-ball" (1/8 of an ounce) of crack at a time, mixing it with marijuana encased in a cigar wrapper * A drug dealer called Bobby Brown and ordered him to remove the paranoid and out-of-control Whitney from his crack house, saying "come get your wife. I'm sick of this bitch."
Getting kicked out of a crack house probably isn't a good sign. Neither is looking like the world's homeliest raccoon. This girl needs some help. Help from a good friend. A good friend named crack.
UPDATE: The National Enquirer has some photos of Whitney Houston's totally awesome drug dens and they're as wonderfully charming as you thought they were.
Mar 29 2006Jessica Simpson wants to adopt kids
Jessica Simpson's publicist says the singer is looking at adoption. "Nothing has been finalized yet", her publicist, Rob Shuter, told The Associated Press. But he added, "It is true that she's exploring options." Shuter said Simpson and her family have anonymously contributed funds to a smattering of Mexican orphanages for several years now.
I can see a few reasons why Jessica might choose to adopt: 1) she wants a child, 2) she's terribly confused about the "adopt-a-highway" program 3) it's the only way for Joe Simpson to legally have sex with his grandchildren. At this point I'm leaning towards number 3.
Mar 28 2006Pamela Anderson at the Los Angeles Hard Rock Cafe
Anybody can show off their nipples through a white t-shirt, but it takes a true pioneer like Pamela Anderson to manage it while still wearing a bra. With women like this wandering around, it makes me wonder whether investing my entire life savings to invent X-Ray glasses is even worth it. My financial advisor says no, but my heart says yes.
One more LSFW picture of Pamela Anderson's nipples after the jump.
Continue Reading "Pamela Anderson at the Los Angeles Hard Rock Cafe"
Mar 28 2006Scarlett Johansson is the sexiest
According to a poll in FHM magazine, Scarlett Johansson is the world's sexiest woman. Readers voted the actress ahead of last year's number one, Angelina Jolie and two Jessicas -- Jessica Alba and Jessica Simpson -- on the annual 100 Sexiest Women in the World list. Johansson says, "One of the best things for a woman to hear is that she is sexy. I'd like to thank FHM's readers for the huge compliment."
She also went on to thank her boobs, for making it all possible. The boobs said very little, since they were being muffled by the imaginary hands of every man on the planet.
Mar 28 2006Valderrama talks about sex
Wilmer Valderrama talked about his Hollywood conquests during an appearance on Howard Stern yesterday. Among his revelations were that Lindsay Lohan was one of the best girl's he's ever had slept with, Ashlee Simpson was loud in bed and Jennifer Love Hewitt rated an "eight" out of ten when it came to sex. He also claimed that he's been with two women at once and engaged in anal sex with a famous actress, who he refused to name. Valderrama claims his penis is "slightly bigger" than eight inches, and that he's videotaped his sexual escapades on numerous occasions, but erased the tapes to keep them from being linked on the internet.
Reading about Wilmer Valderramma's sex life is like murdering a clown - you don't really want to do it, but in the end you can't help yourself. I simply don't understand how in God's name this guy gets all this - oh wait, the eight inch penis. Yeah, that might explain it.
Mar 28 2006Katie Holmes preparing for silent birth
Katie Holmes is reportedly gearing up for the silent birth of her first child after Scientologists were spotted carrying signs into her home, reminding her to keep quiet during labor. On Monday, huge placards saying, "Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable," were carried into the couple's home to remind Holmes to deal with the extreme pain of childbirth quietly.
Like Tom Cruise, I'm all for making women suffer as much as humanly possible during childbirth. You know - strobe lights, false fire alarms, the doctor screaming "It's a monster!" every few minutes. Sure, it may not serve any "medical purpose", but I don't see what that has to do with anything.
Mar 27 2006Paris Hilton has brothers
Ever wondered what it would be like if Paris Hilton wasn't the most screwed up one in her family? Yeah, me neither, because the thought is so frightening I crapped my pants just talking about it. Anyways, above is a picture of her 12-year-old brother Conrad. He's only 12 so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, but things aren't looking so promising for him. It's usually not a good sign when looking at a picture of a 12-year-old makes me want to punch through my monitor in anger.
You can check out 12-year-old Conrad's Myspace here and 16-year-old Barron's MySpace here. I'm not saying the Hiltons were bad parents, but their children probably would have turned out better if they had just found a cave in the woods and left them there to be raised by bears.
Mar 27 2006Stavros Niarchos is a rich bastard
Page Six reports that when Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos turns 21 next month he'll inherit $275 million. And as spoiled as Paris is, her expected inheritance of just over $50 million makes her practically a hobo compared to this guy. Niarchos' lawyer had no comment, but that's probably because he was too busy having orgasms at the thought of his client inheriting $275 million.
Mar 27 2006Keira Knightley turns 21
Keira Knightley celebrated her 21st birthday in London over the weekend dressed as a flapper from the Roaring 20's. Additionally, she and her guests were spotted wearing pig masks as they left the party, which kind of makes you wonder what was going on in there. There are only so many reasons to ever wear a pig mask when it's not Halloween, and most of them involve handcuffs and a bottle of grease. And me yelling, "Put the pig mask back on!" while swinging a knife through the air.
A shot of Keira's panties and pig mask after the jump.
Mar 27 2006Randy Quaid sues Brokeback people
Randy Quaid is suing the Brokeback Mountain producers for at least $10 million in damages because they tricked him into working for a super low price by telling him it was "a low-budget, art-house film, with no prospect of making any money."
"Yet from day one, defendants fully intended that the film would not be made on a low budget, would be given a worldwide release, and would be supported as the studio picture it always was secretly intended to be," the lawsuit says.
I'd be pretty pissed too if somebody talked me into making a gay cowboy movie for $5 and a coffee, and then it went on to make over $80 million and everybody involved got an Academy Award nomination except me. You'd think playing a supporting role in Not Another Teen Movie would finally give meaning to your life but I guess not.
Mar 27 2006Jessica Alba tired of sexiness
Jessica Alba is sick of playing sex kittens on screen, and would love to star in a romantic comedy. She explains:
"I'll leave the slutty girl to other people and I'll play the sweet, moral girlfriend who believes in love - roles that are more interesting than playing a vixen. That's where I want to go next - a romantic comedy or something like that."
There's something Jessica doesn't grasp here - which is fine, because it's not like it takes a PhD to cook breakfast in a bikini (though if she burns the toast again, I swear to God...) What she doesn't grasp is that romantic comedies are for pretty actresses with terrible bodies. Meg Ryan, Reese Witherspoon, and Julia Roberts are all very cute girls, and all about as sexually attractive as my microwave. Jessica is not one of them. Thank God.
Mar 27 2006Friends reunion killed by Friends
Lisa Kudrow has confirmed that Friends was all set for a reunion show, but one male cast member refused a multi-million dollar salary to make a comeback appearance. While bosses at US TV network NBC furiously denied the claims, Kudrow has now confirmed proposals for forthcoming shows. She says:
"There is an opportunity for the rest of us to do a reunion show but one member has said no. It's one of the guys. I'm gutted."
Well I'm as disappointed as the rest of you, since the last time I saw Friends was two hours ago on Channel 5. No wait, one hour ago. No wait, it's on right now. Oh look, Ross and Rachel are fighting. Joy. Who wouldn't want to see more of this?
Mar 27 2006Marc Anthony masturbates in public
I'd give the finger too if somebody caught me during my private time. If Marc Anthony wants to rub his crotch in public then who are we as a society to tell him he can't. I mean, he's famous. And a zombie. And last time I checked, zombies get to do whatever they damn well please because who's going to say no to the walking dead? Not me, man. I'm keeping my brains as non-eaten as possible.
