Mar 24 2006Kevin Smith tells really filthy secrets

Kevin Smith was giving a talk at a school recently and dropped a few stories about how Jason Mewes (Jay from Jay & Silent Bob) used to be a hardcore heroin addict but when he officially cleaned up a few years ago he started getting way more ass, including a romp with Nicole Richie.

"I fuck a lot more," Smith said Mewes said, "and remember it more. But I fuck a lot shorter too." Apparently one of his remembered sexcapades was everyone's favorite walking stick, Nicole Richie, who, and I quote, "pulled Jay into a bathroom and just sat on his dick and started going at it." While he ejaculated in approximately 30 seconds and it was "running all over her back," she didn't notice because she "had had a few drinks or something." By "drinks," I'm sure he was meant "blow" but didn't say it since that would have been a confusingly false sex pun.

I used to think Kevin Smith was a pretty cool guy, but that was before I found out he wanders around schools making up stories about how his friends do it with Nicole Richie. True or not, that's not something you want people thinking actually happened. He might as well have told everybody he secretly masturbates to Hitler.

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Mar 24 2006Drew Lachey has a baby

In news nobody cares about except Drew Lachey and maybe his parents, Drew and his wife gave birth to their first daughter yesterday. A rep for the couple says, "Mom, Dad and baby are all happy and healthy."

It's great news and all, but somebody like Drew really doesn't need a rep to make statements like this for him. It'd be like Gary Coleman sending out a press release that he finally saved up enough for that Honda Civic. Probably very exciting times, but the only people that care are either related by blood or depressed.

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Mar 24 2006Colin Farrell and Kate Moss have sexy conversations

Colin Farrell and Kate Moss are allegedly phone-dating after they started bonding in rehab. An insider is quoted as saying: "Since they're both working on their sobriety, they completely understand the struggle. Plus, they both happen to be very attracted to one another."

You know it's true too, because they were photographed together in a car. See that picture? With your eyes? Yeah, that's a real picture. I made took it myself. And afterwards they took off their clothes and started making out. Just give me a couple more hours with Photoshop and I'll prove it.

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Mar 24 2006Winona Ryder gets towed

Winona Ryder was at the Chateau Marmont for Erin Fetherston's fashion show after-party and had her car towed when she parked in front of the hotel and forgot to leave her keys with a valet. And that's almost as embarrassing as showing up to the event looking like she's working on her thesis for Emo University.

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Mar 24 2006Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid

After naming her first child Apple, Gwyneth Paltrow plans to give her new son an even worse name. Paltrow wants to name her second child Mortimer, after her godfather Steven Spielberg. Paltrow apparently affectionately refers to Spielberg as "Uncle Morty".

It's apparent that Gwyneth hates her children. Among other things. She might as well name him the Fairy Prince and send him to school in a dress. But I have a feeling that's gonna happen anyway. Particularly if I get that substitute teaching job.

Mar 24 2006Brad Pitt denies being bruised

Brad Pitt's publicist has slammed reports that there is anything wrong with the actor's face, after he reportedly showed up at an elegant Paris, France, restaurant with bruises and a swollen lip. Pitt was spotted at the posh L'Avenue restaurant on Monday, where patrons claim he looked a little worse for wear. A fellow diner tells In Touch magazine, "He had a nasty bruise on his face, a swollen lip and eye."

Now I don't like to speculate, but I speculate that Brad got his ass handed to him during a lusty romp with Angelina Jolie. There's nothing sexier than getting punched in the face during sex, though the girls I've dated seem to have mixed feelings about it. I guess they have different ideas about what constitutes a good birthday present.

Mar 23 2006Pete Doherty pleads guilty

Pete Doherty pleaded guilty to seven charges of possessing heroin, crack cocaine, and weed in a court appearance in east London today. Although I'm not entirely sure this constitutes news, since the same story has appeared every week for the past three months. Apparently dating Kate Moss gives you automatic immunity when it comes to illegal drugs. Sort of like how dating Alessandra Ambrosio gives you automatic immunity from not having an erection.

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Mar 23 2006Paris Hilton is getting cozy with the guys again

According to Life & Style Weekly, when Paris Hilton was unable to hook up at a party with Olympian Jeremy Bloom, she "made a bee line" for another club where she was spotted holding hands with actor Simon Rex, before ditching him for USC quarterback Matt Leinart. Additionally, a week earlier she was spotted with The O.C.'s Benjamin McKenzie. A source says: "She was desperately hanging on to him the whole night. They seemed really friendly as they said goodbye."

Isn't it common knowledge by now that Paris Hilton has herpes? Maybe all the guys she's beeing going for since breaking up with Stavros Niarchos didn't get the memo. And by memo, I mean looking at her face and realizing it's Paris Hilton and that she has herpes. Because it's Paris Hilton. And she has herpes.

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Mar 23 2006Isaac Hayes back stabbed by Scientology

Fox News reported awhile ago that Isaac Hayes didn't quit South Park and never issued the press release saying he was offended by their Scientology episode, but rather left the show after suffering a stroke. Now Page Six is claiming the press release was actually put out by other Scientologists, saying:

That release was put out by fellow Scientologist Christina "Kumi" Kimball, a fashion executive for designer Craig Taylor. According to foxnews.com, "Hayes loves 'South Park' and needs it for income. He has a new wife and a baby on the way."

It's surprising Scientologists haven't kidnapped the President and blown up a box full of kittens yet. Looking at the way they conduct their public relations, their next step should be reworking their name into an acronym that spells out H.A.T.E. and maybe trying to launch a nuclear strike against all the promoters of freedom and democracy.

UPDATE: If you missed last night's episode of South Park featuring the return of Chef, you can check out a clip here.

*UPDATE: Isaac Hayes was on the Opie & Anthony Show in December last year and openly said that he had no problem with the way Matt and Trey handled the Scientology episode. You can listen to the clip here.

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Mar 23 2006Lindsay Lohan wants to be Wonder Woman

Lindsay Lohan is desperate to play Wonder Woman in the forthcoming movie version of the comic book superhero. Lohan admits she'd like to showcase her talents outside of kid and teen films.

She says, "Wonder Woman would be cool. I'm trying to find roles right now that are different to anything I've done to show my abilities, to show that I have some sort of stretch in me. Because most of the things that I've done so far are aimed at younger girls and are light-hearted."

Wow, Wonder Woman. Yes that will be quite the acting stretch. Unless Wonder Woman has been re-imagined with the power to make her boobs magically disappear and reappear. Because Lindsay's got that move down cold. That and the lasso of anorexia.

Mar 23 2006Britney Spears gets birthing monument

The fine folks in New York have completely lost their minds and given Britney Spears her own Pro-Life monument at Capla Kesting Fine Art in Brooklyn's Williamsburg gallery district. The life-sized statue celebrates the recent birth of Spears' baby boy, Sean, and applauds her decision of placing family before career. Gallery co-director Lincoln Capla says, "A superstar at Britney's young age having a child is rare in today's celebrity culture. This dedication honors Britney for the rarity of her choice and bravery of her decision."

The official name of the monument is "Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston," and I'm pretty sure the unofficial name is "The sex doll I was making but somebody caught me so now I'm pretending it's a Britney Spears monument." Besides, I don't think getting accidentally knocked up counts as a brave decision to put family before career. It's more like a brave decision to not use protection. Which actually isn't very brave at all, but that's what I tell the ladies because it makes them feel like sexy outlaws.

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Mar 23 2006Sting is a deviant

Sting, recently reported to be opening his own strip club, has now asked about setting up a fantasy sex party with notorious orgy organizer Palagia. According to Palagia's rep, "whenever Sting is in New York, he has looked into checking out one of Palagia's sexy Eat In parties," the rep said. "He has been interested in attending the sexy X-rated soirees for months, even asking Palagia herself to throw a special one for him and Trudi to fit their busy schedule."

So Sting, an internationally rich and famous rock star, has to pay thousands of dollars to see naked women and get laid. This makes almost as much sense as Hilary Duff paying for breast reduction surgery. The only explanation is he's very very dumb. Or he has no penis. Or his penis is flammable. Hmm, I guess there's lots of explanations.

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Mar 23 2006Fred Savage to be a dad

Fred Savage, star of The Wonder Years, is going to be a father. According to his agent, his wife Jennifer is expecting the couple's first child in August. I really don't have much to add, except that Kevin Arnold having sex is one of those things that's kinda unexpectedly depressing. Like when you accidentally give a homeless guy a twenty that's not monopoly money.

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Mar 23 2006Lost stars before they were on Lost

Hurty Elbow collected a few videos of the Lost stars before they were on Lost. Included are Josh Holloway (Sawyer) in an Old Navy commercial, Evangeline Lilly (Kate) in the infamous Livelinks commercial, and Naveen Andrews (Sayid) dancing in Bride and Prejudice: The Bollywood Musical. More videos after the jump.

Continue Reading "Lost stars before they were on Lost"

Mar 22 2006Paris and Nicky Hilton preliminary cartoon sketches

Paris and Nicky Hilton are making a cartoon TV show about their lives in the style of The Simpsons, and have spoken to Interscope boss Ted Fields who will make the series and hopes to air it on US television.

It's hard to imagine the Hilton sisters pulling off a successful cartoon, since the Japanese already have the animated sex market covered. Maybe they'll throw in a few extra tentacle rape scenes and change the description from "cartoon" to "documentary."

More preliminary sketches after the jump.

*UPDATE: Turns out the images aren't even related to the Paris Hilton cartoon and were for a completely different project so I've taken them down at the request of the owner.

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Mar 22 2006I Watch Stuff! is going nuts

It's gotten better since the last time you checked. I shit you not.

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Mar 22 2006Paula Abdul finds excuses for being insane

Paula Abdul admits that she’s been acting weird lately, but blames it on Simon Cowell. Abdul told In Touch Weekly, “If they say, ‘Paula is going crazy,’ the reason is Simon is whispering things in my ear, like, ‘What’s the price of beans?’ Things that make no sense at all." She also says, "Simon gave me advice and said on ‘The X Factor’ he always refers to a fortune cookie and says the moth who finds the melon finds the cornflake always finds the melon and one of you didn’t pick the right fortune.”

I have no idea what she's talking about. Listening to her is like listening to a parrot play Scrabble. It's also physically painful. Moreso when I punch the television.

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Mar 22 2006Eva Longoria is a terrible liar

Eva Longoria, desperate to set the record straight after calling boyfriend Tony Parker an inexperienced lover and saying "I'm the teacher, especially about love", took to the entertainment-news shows Tuesday to defend him. Longoria told Extra and Access Hollywood that "when the lights are out, he's the teacher," ... and "I'm the student."

It's a little too late now to backtrack. By now everyone assumes that Tony Parker is a terrible lover and has a tiny penis. The only way to fix this is for Eva to have sex with me. I'm not sure what this will prove, exactly.

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Mar 22 2006Kevin Coster denies being a pervert

Kevin Costner's camp is denying that he engaged in sexual self-gratification in front of a horrified masseuse. The Daily Mirror earlier reported that an "American A-list actor" performed a "'disgusting' act in front of a 34-year-old massage therapist at a posh Scottish golf resort. Costner's friend owns the resort, and Costner spent his honeymoon there in 2004, but his rep said: "We find it unfortunate that Mr. Costner's name has been brought into what is essentially a dispute between a company owned by a good friend of his and a former employee."

Hey Kevin, if people want to watch you jerk off they'll just rent The Postman.

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Mar 21 2006Tara Reid has a negative ass

Tara Reid showed up to the 2 Be Free 2006 Fall Fashion Show sporting low rise jeans and an ass so flat it actually curves inward. It's like somebody punched her in the butt as hard as they could and everything flew up into her chest. If she and Hank Hill had a kid, it'd have an ass so non-existent it would actually suck in matter. Like a blackhole, only less scientific.

Mar 21 2006Jennifer Aniston gives away clothes

Jennifer Aniston has gotten rid of Brad Pitt's clothes by leaving them at a Burbank charity shop. A source tells The Sun:

"When a woman in the shop realised that it was Jennifer Aniston, she went over to see what she'd left. But it was too late because a worker who didn't recognise Jen had already dumped the clothes in a bin mixed with lots of others."

So the next time you make fun of the homeless guy going through your garbage, keep in mind that he might be wearing Brad Pitt's clothes. Also keep in mind that he doesn't like having shoes thrown at him, and it's not polite to spit on people. If you don't want me eating your pizza, then don't throw it away, man. Spitting should never be an option.

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Mar 21 2006Matthew Perry exceeds his genetic potential

Continuing today’s trend of Beauty and the Beast coverage, Matthew Perry is apparently porking the superhot Piper Perabo. Now, when I say “porking” I mean “dating” but I think “screwing”. God, even her name is hot. I think I’m gonna name my hand Piper. It'll be a nice change of pace from its usual name: The Love Master 2000. Or, uh, some other combination of words that doesn't make me sound like a pervert.

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Mar 21 2006Claudia Schiffer bankrupts her cook

Claudia Schiffer has forced her former cook into bankruptcy after she used a quote in her cookbook without permission.

Sophie Mitchell had borrowed a quote from a letter the supermodel wrote to her mother and put it on the jacket of her new cookbook. "We love Sophie, and everyone loves her cooking, too," appears on the cover with Schiffer's name in giant type. But she never gave permission for Mitchell to use it, reports British Vogue Online. Ordered to pay damages, the cook has subsequently declared herself bankrupt.

When you're a beautiful supermodel and have millions of dollars, it's almost your obligation to destroy the lives of the ugly poor people around you. It's the only way they'll learn how much better you are than them.

NOTE: Sorry for the late posts. Something's going on with the server and I was having trouble getting updates going.

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Mar 21 2006DonaldTrump has a baby

Spawning a global wave of absolutely stupid “littlest apprentice” references, Donald Trump and his wife Melania’s child was born yesterday. The new baby boy is Donald’s 5th child, and Slovenian model Melania’s first. Fifty-nine year old Trump, sounding oddly desperate, was quoted as saying:

"I continue to stay young, right? I produce children, I stay young.”

Oh, yeah, they also named the kid Barron. See, like Baron, except misspelled. Because naming the child a slightly altered version of Baron and hoping people won’t notice is somehow less irritating than just doing it outright.

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Mar 20 2006South Park - Scientology Episode

This is the entire Scientology episode of South Park that Tom Cruise tried to force off the air and made Isaac Hayes quit as Chef.

NOTE: Make sure you stick around for the credits.

Mar 20 2006Nicole Richie picks on 11 year old

During a recent taping of Simple Life 4: Till Death Do Us Part, Nicole Richie decided to harass the only thing flatter than her: an 11 year old boy. According to the AP, she approached the boy and asked in graphic terms if he found her attractive. The boy’s father has refused to sign a consent form to allow the clip to air and has complained to the production company about the exchange, which included profanity.

There has been no mention yet of charges being pressed against Richie for sexually harassing the young boy, and calls to NAMBLA about her infringement on their historic turf were unreturned. Who knew trying to seduce underage boys was such a huge market? Online predators, that's who. They're the wave of tomorrow!

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Mar 20 2006Josh Hartnett getting a little weird

To all the women out there who keep saying how hot Josh Hartnett is: I get it now. Sometimes, just sometimes though, I wish it wouldn't take dressing a man as an ugly lesbian for me to find him attractive.

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Mar 20 2006Daniel Craig is bad Bond

Following the news that Daniel Craig would be in “casual dress” rather then the customary tux for the majority of the upcoming James Bond film, as well as not driving the Aston Martin, an insider has revealed there will also be a nude scene with his "man dangle" on display. Barbra Broccoli, who runs the Bond franchise (into the ground), wants to show the world that Craig is all man. The insider comments,

“He has no problems with full-frontal nudity and it shows. Prepare for some jaw-dropping love scenes."

Well, well, well. It sounds to me like Daniel Craig is overcompensating for something. He doesn’t get to drive the Bond car, or even wear a tux, so he’s got to strut around with his huge johnson out. Pathetic. Although, seriously, where is this Bond film going? Is it going to feature him driving his kids to soccer practice in a Prius, then coming home to unwind with a virgin Shirley Temple? In this version, he's also going to be using "reflective listening" rather than guns to deal this his enemies, and his mission will be to rescue his balls from Barbra Broccoli's purse.

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Mar 20 2006Juliette Lewis is...I have no idea

Here is Juliette Lewis. If you ever wondered what would happen if David Fincher directed a Fruit of the Loom commercial, well here you go. And yet Brad Pitt used to date her. Which leads me to believe that either Juliette looked much better back then or Brad had just eaten ten pounds of cocaine.

Mar 20 2006Nobody likes Teri Hatcher

Jealousy has yet again broken out among the Desperate Housewives, this time in the wake of Teri Hatcher's Vanity Fair cover where she talks about getting molested by her uncle. The policy had been that journalists were not allowed on set unless the piece was about all the actresses, but this rule seems to have been waived for Hatcher. And that caused some unpleasantness. In a e-mail, Hatcher "griped that this wasn't the first incident of outright jealousy from them and that this was now her time to shine," says a source "She talked about all the covers that Eva [Longoria] has gotten and how she's only been supportive."

I think Teri's confused. Her time to shine was ten years ago, before her boobs began to run down her chest like a fat kid chasing a twinkie. Seriously, if getting molested was a springboard to fame, every actor in Hollywood would be Catholic.

Mar 20 2006Tori Spelling has mom issues

Tori Spelling's parents have stopped speaking to her, sources say. "There is a scene in the first episode of her new show, So noTORIous, in which she makes fun of the eBay room in her parents' house," a friend says. "Her mother has a huge shopping problem and has a whole room dedicated to the stuff she buys on the site. When she saw the episode, she threatened Tori and said she was going to sue her."

Generating national publicity for suing your famous daughter is always the best way to keep something secret. I guess we now know where Tori gets her brains. Actually, it's the same place she got her boobs - the discount rack at Self-Esteem World.

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