Mar 17 2006Natalie Portman gets monkey love
Natalie Portman got friendly with a chimpanzee yesterday night during the final banquet and awards ceremony for ShoWest, the annual movie-industry convention held at the Paris Las Vegas Hotel, where she was named Female Star of the Year.
If all it takes to make out with Natalie Portman is to be a monkey, then somebody get me a bottle of my special elixir and turn on my patent pending Backwards Evolving ray. We need science to get this done, man. Science!
Mar 17 2006Chuck Norris reads Chuck Norris facts
If you haven't seen the Chuck Norris facts yet, you need to do yourself a favor and check them out. Chuck has a really good attitude about the whole thing, but they're not as funny when he reads them out loud. Mostly because he's not very good at reading, but also because I'm too scared that a roundhouse kick will come flying out of my monitor and kick me to the moon.
Thanks to Katrina for the tip.
Mar 17 2006Mike Tyson buys an expensive meal
Former boxing champion Mike Tyson has agreed to pay a man he bit $275,000 in an out of court settlement. The man, Isadore Bolton, is a personal assistant to Don King and claims that Tyson attacked him along a Florida roadway while their convoy was held up in traffic. Tyson was apparently pacing up and down the highway, agitated, and punched Bolton repeatedly when he approached. After knocking him to the ground, Tyson bit Bolton, causing a painful bite that cut deeply into his leg.
I can’t help but wonder if Tyson’s history of man-biting is related to some bizarre mating ritual he picked up in prison. Maybe ear and leg biting is the way cellies get to know each other, kind of like dogs and butt sniffing.
Mar 17 2006Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's wedding
Oh goodie, the big day is finally here. According to the BBC, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be wed in Laglio, Italy soon. Neighbors have reported "a lot of movement" at George Clooney's villa, where they are expected to hold the ceremony. Though the mayor of the town has not yet been contacted to officiate the wedding, his wife comments:
"Even if they contacted him an hour before, he could still marry them."
Immediately following the wedding, the couple is expected to travel to Russia, where orphans are on sale 2 for 1 this weekend only.
Mar 17 2006Tom Cruise has no sense of humor
Tom Cruise got Comedy Central to cancel Wednesday night's South Park episode about Scientology by warning that he'd refuse to promote Mission Impossible 3, insiders say. Since Paramount is banking on MI3 to make money this summer, and Paramount is owned by Viacom, which also owns Comedy Central, the tactic worked. The South Park episode - which pokes fun at Scientology and shows Cruise, John Travolta and R. Kelly - was mysteriously pulled at the last minute.
Well thank goodness Tom got the episode pulled; otherwise people might start thinking Scientology was weird or something. I don't know at what point Tom became such a jackass, though it's a well known fact that short people are intrinsically evil and must be destroyed. Hey, it's right there in the Bible, right after the part where Jesus flies around around the Earth to reverse time and save Lois.
Mar 17 2006Macaulay Culkin names his penis
Here's a story for all the ladies out there. In his new book Junior, Macaulay Culkin reveals his pet name for his penis - he calls it Floyd. The actor is currently promoting the collection of stories and observations, and explains, "I had to do a reading and I did a Q+A afterwards, and somebody asked me where I came up with the name Floyd. I didn't come up with it, if I was going to come up with something, it would have been Kroll the Conqueror... or something like Enrique, something Latino...it was kind of bestowed upon me I guess you could say."
What better way to spend St. Patrick's day than thinking about Macaulay Culkin's penis? You're doing it right now, aren't you, you sicko. Hey, I don't care if Macaulay's penis plays Mah Jongg while wearing a three-piece suit and a monocle, I don't need to hear about it. Much less write about it. I mean, how pathetic would that be.
Mar 17 2006Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra on the rocks
Dave Navarro has confirmed his marriage to Carmen Electra is in trouble, confessing the couple rarely gets to enjoy quality time together. The pair are reportedly fighting to save their two-year marriage, but close friends fear the worst.
Navarro tells Life and Style magazine that "The truth is, we definitely work quite a bit. Our work takes us away from home quite a bit. She goes overseas, and there are times when I'm away from her. It sucks, I will say that." A source says, "Dave and Carmen are headed for a separation. They've been having issues for a while now. They're living separate lives."
It's always painful when the fairytale ends. I don't have much to add to this, other than that my lifelong goal of seducing every Baywatch lifeguard is now one step closer to completion. After Carmen, well...you can run, Hasslehoff, but you can't hide.
Mar 16 2006Chico the Arab tops the British pops
Chico, a pop sensation in Britain, has taken Madonna’s spot at the top of the British pop charts. He is a former goat herder turned male stripper turned pop sensation, and credits Allah with his success. “Mashallah (Thank God) - it's beyond dreams,” he told Reuters in an interview.
This is notable for two reasons: 1. he is the first Arab to attain this vaunted position and 2. his single is terrible. I mean, I almost titled this post “British people don’t have ears.” Here's a link, if you dare.
Mar 16 2006Britney Spears finds a needle
Britain's Daily Star reports that Britney Spears was rushed to a hospital after stepping on a hypodermic needle. In a move completely out of character for her, Britney was wandering around barefoot in a parking lot when she stepped on it. A source comments:
"Britney is going to be fine. She's got a nasty cut but it's been disinfected and dressed and she's been released from hospital. It was more the shock of seeing the needle poking out of her foot - as you can imagine. All sorts of things race through your mind in that situation. The conclusion we would all jump to is that it was discarded by a drug user. Britney was distraught but brave."
No word yet on whether K-Fed got his needle back, or if this little incident will dissuade Britney from her future endeavors of wandering barefoot through public restrooms.
Mar 16 2006Kimberly Stewart shows her underwear
Sometimes in my fantasies I picture Rod Stewart holding car keys in his mouth, purring to me softly as he shows me his delicious man thong. But since the world hates me, the closest I'll ever get to that is seeing his daughter do it.
Mar 16 2006Kanye West is making a movie
Kanye West is now involved in a new film inspired by his music. The movie, in which he will appear, will be composed of several short stories, each written and directed separately. These shorts will be linked by a central narrative, ultimately creating a "multi perspective portrait of the United States as seen through the eyes of West and several film-makers".
You know, this movie could be pretty good. I’ve never seen Kanye act (anything but crazy), but nobody has ever done a movie about a middle-class rapper’s life before. Maybe instead of being about how he grew up poor and had to hustle to survive, it'll be about how he grew up wealthy and had to aggressively browse the discount rack when the Gap was having a sale on pastels. Either way, if by "multi perspective portrait" they mean "explicit pornography shot from a variety of creative angles," consider me there. And by there, I mean furiously flogging my one-eyed yogurt pony.
Mar 16 2006Jessica Simpson is useless
Despite being in Washington to lobby Congress for funding, Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet the president and congressional leaders at a republican fundraiser. Jessica is lobbying for funding on behalf of Operation Smile, a charity that provides free plastic surgery for indigent overseas children with severe facial deformities. She apparently refused the opportunity because Operation Smile is a non-partisan group.
Now, I don’t know what the problem was, but I think Jessica just missed a huge personal and professional opportunity. Ah well. If tits were brains, Jessica Simpson would be at least as smart as my left man-breast. But they aren’t, so she ain't. On behalf of the facially-deformed orphans of the world, I’d like to say “Thpppankks aluot Jeshhicca”.*
NOTE: Don't send your hate mail to me, send it to Jessica Simpson. She's the one that failed the facially-deformed orphans.
Mar 16 2006Angelina Jolie is cautious
If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that pregnant women make the best pilots. Mostly because you can always beat them to the parachutes. I think we can also agree that if Angelina's arms get any thinner she can use them to spear fish.
Mar 16 2006Shannon Elizabeth's husband wants more
Shannon Elizabeth's estranged husband filed a lawsuit Wednesday seeking half of all property and assets the pair accumulated during the five years they lived together before they were married. Joseph Reitman claims that Elizabeth secretly transferred assets acquired during the years before their June 15, 2002 marriage and contends that he deserves half. Reitman also alleges that he sacrificed his career to promote Elizabeth's. Elizabeth filed for divorce in June 2005.
The only way this guy could've helped Elizabeth's career is if he, I don't know, somehow magically made her boobs grow. In which case he's a goddam genius. Because I doubt it was those late-night Shakespeare readings that helped her win roles like 'hot naked girl' and 'Melanie McKnockers'.
Thanks to Mary for the tip.
Mar 16 2006Daniel Craig's dad comes to the rescue
Daniel Craig, the new James Bond actor, has been accused of being a wimp, but now he has a defender: his dad. “It is all cobblers,” Tim Wroughton-Craig told London’s Sunday Mirror. “Daniel is a hard lad — you wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark street. Is he a wimp? No, I wouldn’t like to call him that to his face. As for the idea he doesn’t like guns — when he was younger he would play with a toy gun like any other boy. Except he liked to stick it down his pants and say 'the princess has a gun in her bum - it's a royal scandal!'” Yeah, so I made that last part up, but it's getting harder and harder to tell. Forget about saving the world; at this point Bond seems barely capable of saving his heterosexuality.
Thanks to Jeff for the tip.
Mar 16 2006Pamela Anderson uses breasts as address book
Pamela Anderson was spotted leaving a club with Ray J on Monday with scribbled writing all over her breast. I can't tell if it's a phone number, drawing, or maybe just her own autograph, but letting people write all over your cleavage probably isn't a good way of earning the respect of society. Then again, I'm talking about a woman with watermelon-sized breast implants, so it's sort of like telling a stripper to cut back on the makeup before she goes out so nobody thinks she's a whore.
A closeup of the boob after the jump.
Continue Reading "Pamela Anderson uses breasts as address book"
Mar 16 2006Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes already married?
The National Enquirer is reporting that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes already got married last July in a Scientology ceremony at sea.
Cruise and Holmes, who met a few months earlier, are said to have exchanged rings emblazoned with triangular Scientology symbols during a Caribbean cruise aboard the sect's ship the Freewinds. (They supposedly wear their rings only at church functions.) Holmes, who once claimed she would remain virginal until her wedding day, wore white, says the tab.After the ceremony, the couple walked across a tiny bridge — a Scientology symbol for the journey to "total freedom," sources claim. Scientologists John Travolta and Kirstie Alley are said to have been on the ship, where guests also celebrated Cruise's 43rd birthday.
Holmes' Catholic family was not present, but is due to attend their "official" wedding later this year.
A rep for the couple has denied the claims, saying, "They have not yet wed, and are continuing to move forward with their plans for the big day." And even if they did get married in a Scientology wedding, it's still just a Scientology wedding. My little cousin has married her Ken doll in at least two private ceremonies, but that doesn't mean the state of California is suddenly recognizing her marriage, even if it was witnessed by a stuffed bear.
Mar 15 2006Nick Lachey and Kristin Cavallari getting friendly
Nick Lachey and Kristin Cavallari were spotted over the weekend having a drink together at Stanley's restaurant in Sherman Oaks, California. A friend of Kristin says, "Eventually it might turn into something more serious. But right now it's not. They're at that stage when they're getting to know each other."
That seemed to be what they were doing over drinks. "They were talking to each other. They weren't being overly touchy-feely; he was playing it pretty cool," says a patron standing nearby. "But she was definitely flirting. She was laughing and flipping her hair back. They seemed to be enjoying the conversation."
A buddy of Lachey's admits that Cavallari, who starred in Laguna Beach, "actually is his type: blonde, a little ditzy, a sweet girl. It makes sense, but I just can't imagine he would follow through with it."
There's really no reason for Nick not to follow through except that he's 32 and Kristin is only 19. Sure, society might label him a creepy old pervert, but that's the price you pay when you're horny and your core fan base is still in their teens.
Mar 15 2006Paris Hilton buys a fancy new car
Paris Hilton was spotted at The Ivy with her sister, mom, and aunt, driving a $400,000+ Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren after trading in her Bentley Continental GT. Just when I'm starting to feel pretty good about myself, somebody like Paris goes out and buys a car worth more money than my house. Although considering I live in a small tent behind the liquor store, the same would have been true if she had bought a Toyota Camry. My life is sad.
Some more pictures of Paris' new ride after the jump.
Mar 15 2006Jennie Garth pregnant with third child
Us magazine reports that Jennie Garth is pregnant with her third child with Peter Facinelli. She tells the magazine:
"Peter and I feel very blessed with our children. We didn't plan any one of them, but higher forces and recognizing priorities helped us along the way. We can't wait to meet this newest addition to our family!"
Read that second sentence again. The only thing more exciting than having a baby is telling the rest of your children that they were all accidents. She might as well complete their mental anguish and tell them their dad used to star in gay pornos.
Mar 15 2006Liv Tyler is still fat
In case you're wondering why you haven't seen Liv Tyler in any movies recently, it's because she refuses to diet after having her son Milo in December 2004 and the only role she could get is probably that of "fat lady who used to be pregnant." She tells British Cosmo:
"It’s so hard to lose your baby weight! Everyone makes it look like it just drops off and everyone in magazines is so skinny three weeks later and says ‘Oh, I’m just running around after my kid.’ It’s total [bleep]!"
I don't know what word got bleeped, but I bet it was cheeseburgers. And I know the picture is when Liv was 9 months pregnant, but if you pretend that's what she looks like now it makes the whole story funnier. It also makes it more believable that she would replace random words in her sentences with 'cheeseburger.' I hear that's what fat people do sometimes.
Mar 15 2006Lindsay Lohan is the new face of Louis Vuitton
Lindsay Lohan is set to replace Gisele Bundchen as the next face of Louis Vuitton. The label's head designer Marc Jacobs is said to have asked her to pose for its Fall/Winter 2006-07 collection. Some feel at only 19 years of age Lohan is not sophisticated enough to represent the prestige fashion house. Jacobs stated that he wants his next ads to be young and "cartoony".
Cartoony, huh? Well I think having Yosemite Sam here hawk Louis Vuitton merchandise is a brilliant idea. Almost as brilliant as having Al Sharpton speak at the next Klan rally.
Mar 15 2006Adriana Lima still a virgin
Adriana Lima is featured on the cover of the new GQ, which dubs her, "The World's Most Voluptuous Virgin." In a brief Q&A with writer Lisa DePaulo that accompanies some steamy beach shots of the Victoria's Secret model, Lima says, "Sex is for after marriage. [Men] have to respect that this is my choice. If there's no respect, that means they don't want me."
This just goes against everything we're taught to believe about supermodels. Hold on a second...ok, I just asked the supermodels in my bedroom if any of them were still virgins. Two said yes, while the other three said they were capricorns. They also said that the midget hasn't breathed in roughly two hours, so I better get back there.
Mar 14 2006Paris Hilton gets plastic surgery?
Paris Hilton was spotted at the Modern Institute of Plastic Surgery over the weekend. It doesn't look like she got any work done, but it's gotten harder to see through clothes ever since I lost my mail order X-Ray glasses. Plus consultations and making appointments usually don't leave any visible scars anyway.
Some more suspicious pictures after the jump.
Mar 14 2006Jack Black elopes with Tanya Haden
People magazine reports that Jack Black has eloped with Tanya Haden, providing absolutely no other information about the marriage except that Tanya's dad said, "They love each other very much. We're thrilled."
It's kind of amazing that Jack Black is capable of dating an actual woman, let alone convincing her to marry him. He's funny and all, but I imagine living with him to be like living with a hyperactive monkey. When he's not making weird faces or running around in his underwear, he's probably taking a crap on your laundry.
Mar 14 2006Nicollette Sheridan engaged to Michael Bolton
A rep for Nicollette Sheridan has revealed that she's engaged to Michael Bolton. Earlier this month at a post-Oscar party Sheridan flaunted a huge rock on her left hand, but when asked if she and Bolton had an announcement she replied, "No. Do you?"
Well turns out she did have an announcement, so that makes her great big liar. And the only thing I hate more than liars are people who love Michael Bolton. And maybe child molestors. I kind of hate them as well.
Mar 14 2006Will Ferrell probably not dead
A press release sent out today is claiming that Will Ferrell died in a para-gliding accident yesterday in Torey Pines, California.
Ferrell and his professional guide, Horacio Gomez of Airtek Paragliding Center attempted the jump at around 2 in the afternoon. According to witnesses, the conditions were basically ideal for para-gliding and the weather did'nt pose a problem at all.The jump started normally as Ferrell and Gomez glided carefully across the vast area and were seemed headed into the righ direction just before what witnesses said a freak wind somehow blew them off course, causing the paragliding professional Gomez to somehow lose control.
As horrified witnesses looked on, the duo headed straight for the dense woods near the jump off point and crashed at an estimated 60 mph hitting the trees as they hurtled to the ground.
Some friends of the actor who witnessed the accident immediately called up 911. The paramedics vainly attempted to revive the two on their way to the nearby UCSD Thornton Hospital in nearby La Jolla.
The duo suffered major injuries to the head and broken bones that caused the death of the two.
In an interview with Will's parents who was John W. Ferrell in real life, Mary and Hubert Ferrell said their sonn died while doing one of the things he loved the most.
Will was a graduate of the University of California where he finished his Sports Information Degree. Will was born on July 16, 1968. He was 36.
It's probably a prank, but until I get confirmation either way I'll just pretend it doesn't even exist.
UPDATE: Considering the press release has been removed, it's probably safe to assume Will Ferrell is perfectly okay, sitting at his computer weeping at the news of his own death, only to realize it was just a terrible hoax and he's actually alive.
*UPDATE: Will Ferrell is officially not dead.
Mar 14 2006Scarlett Johansson named prettiest ugly person
Scarlett Johansson has been named Hollywood's most natural beauty by a new poll of members of the National Association Of Screen Make-Up Artists And Hairdressers. Kate Winslet was named second and Catherine Zeta-Jones came in third. Orlando Bloom topped the male list, followed by Jake Gyllenhaal and Johnny Depp respectively.
Let this be a lesson to all you people out there. If you want to get yourself on a list of the top natural beauties, just put on 30lbs and look like you're supposed to be ugly.
Mar 14 2006Britney Spears is unsanitary
Britney Spears horrified customers when she started changing her baby on a restaurant table in Los Angeles.
One said: "It was disgusting. Someone else has got to eat at that table. Yuck." The restaurant manager is quoted in Britain's News of the World newspaper as saying: "It's Britney Spears. What can we do?"
You know what you can do? You can tell her not to have her baby's feces wiped all over a surface where people eat food. Unless you like serving feces-covered food to your customers. In which case next time tap Britney on the shoulder and let her know it'd be perfectly alright if she wanted to take a dump on the tables as well, and maybe drag her butt all over the floor like one of those cute puppies.
Mar 14 2006Kevin Federline will be a stripper
Kevin Federline says he has a backup plan in case his new album isn't a hit. When asked what he'll do if his upcoming CD fails, he told Blender magazine:
"I’ll be at your local strip club, but I’ll be the one dancing."
It's too bad he's not serious about it, because judging by the gems we've heard so far he would so end up a stripper. I'm getting all hot just thinking about it; picturing him pulling off those baggy cargo shorts and wifebeaters. Mmm, and that hat. You can never go wrong with a slightly off-centered hat. Although I think you might already qualify as a stripper if you wear your pants right above your knee.
Mar 14 2006Britney Spears is desperate
12:00 - smear picture of Brad Pitt with glazed donuts. 12:01 - Britney Spears bursts into room, sweating and gasping for breath ("me want sweeties! sweeeeetieeesss...*breaks off into garbled snorting, drooling*). Either that or someone let a walrus into the local frame shop. You know what I'd like to frame? Her tongue. I'd put it in a museum where little kids could poke it ("eww, it smells like cheetos and pubes").
Thanks to Kim for the tip.
Mar 14 2006Kate Moss likes toys
Given the trouble she's had with ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty, it appears that Kate Moss is looking for a sturdier kind of love. She was recently spotted "making a very personal purchase" at La Petite Coquette on University Place. Moss bought a limited-edition, Jimmyjane "Little Something" vibrator in 24K gold for $350. It comes inscribed with choice of endearment ("Sugar," "Be Mine," "Sweetie" or "Flirt") and probably won't get her arrested. Unless she dips it in cocaine and sticks it up her ass. Which is entirely possible.
Mar 13 2006Jared Leto is the walking dead
Jared Leto's added pounds are for his upcoming role as Mark David Chapman (better known as The Man Who Shot John Lennon) in the film Chapter 27, which is fair enough. That's justified, especially after George Clooney won Best Supporting Actor just for "allowing" himself to eat at McDonald's for three months straight. The goth makeup, on the other hand, is his own unfortunate doing. This photo was shot during the 30 Seconds to Mars concert, and apparently he needed the makeup to "get in the mood." Not sure in the mood for what, but I bet it involved a lot of dark poetry and maybe a goofy haircut. And emotions. Definitely lots of emotions.
EDIT: Image removed at request of the owner.
Mar 13 2006Isaac 'Chef' Hayes quits 'South Park'
Soul singer Isaac Hayes, voice of the Yoda-esque "Chef" character in Comedy Central's "South Park", said he was quitting the show after nine seasons, citing "inappropriate ridicule" of religion as the reason.
"There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins," the soul legend said. "Religious beliefs are sacred to people and at all times should be respected and honored. As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices."
Evidently, the place for satire is when the show's talking about Christianity. Or Judaism. Or Buddhism. Or Islam. Or Hinduism. Or farting Canadians. Or, really, anything that's not Scientology, the religion Hayes belongs to that "South Park" recently ridiculed. Being the observant folks they are, Matt Stone and Trey Parker commented on this coincidence:
Past episodes of South Park have skewered Catholics, Jews and Mormons, among others. However, according to Stone, he and Parker "never heard a peep out of Isaac in any way until we did Scientology. "He wants a different standard for religions other than his own, and to me, that is where intolerance and bigotry begin," Stone told the Associated Press.
So the end has come for baritoned chocolate salty balls recipes and instructional ditties on getting women in the mood. I'm sure we haven't seen the last of Chef, though. Seeing as how the two parties have parted in bad blood, there's bound to be a sweet death scene in the upcoming weeks. Most likely involving Tom Cruise and at least one or two references about Scientology being 100% true.
Mar 13 2006Jennifer Aniston doesn't need your pity
Jennifer Aniston recently told Vogue magazine that she is sick and tired of people continuing to make her the loser of her split with Brad Pitt, and that being made a victim makes her "skin crawl."
Of her former husband's relationship with Angelina Jolie, which often has Aniston being mentioned in press reports: "I'm so tired of being part of this sick, twisted Bermuda Triangle," she says – never mentioning Pitt or Jolie by name.
Although she never mentions the serial-adoptist couple directly, she does take a nice jab at Pitt at the end of the article when talking about Vince Vaughn's Luca Brasi-esque quality:
"First and foremost, he's a really good, loyal friend. Fiercely loyal."
Aniston went on to say that Vaughn is like a big bear. With claws and with fangs. And big fucking teeth. And, you know, he's got these claws, and he's got these fangs, and he's sitting there, thinking to himself, "How am I supposed to kill these bunnies, how am I supposed to kill these bunnies?" Unfortunately, the reference went completely over Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's collective head.
Mar 13 2006Lindsay Lohan avoids paparazzi
Lindsay Lohan was leaving a West Hollywood tanning salon last week when she was besieged by paparazzi. I don't want to ruin it, but let's just say a photographer trips and hits their head on Lindsay's car and then the other paparazzi get into a fight. Oh yeah, and forget about that not wanting to ruin it thing, because I'm pretty sure I just did.
Thanks to Christian for the tip and TMZ for the clip. And thanks to me for being so good at rhymes.
Mar 13 2006Dennis Quaid used to be manorexic
In a refreshing change of pace from the latest story of a young female celebrity battling with the pressures of staying thin to avoid fat jokes, Dennis Quaid tells Best Life magazine about his own battle with anorexia in the mid-90's.
"My arms were so skinny that I couldn't pull myself out of a pool," Quaid, 51, told Best Life, as excerpted Friday in the New York Post. But the Day After Tomorrow star couldn't connect with the 138-pound frame in the mirror. He still saw himself as 180 pounds, he said, describing a common part of anorexia.
Quaid tells the magazine that the manorexia started while preparing to play Doc Holliday in 1994 Costner-helmed Wyatt Earp, losing 40 pounds for the role. Unfortunately, this was before it was common knowledge that, to be a successful Doc Holliday, one must simply be named Val Kilmer. Or at the very least, be able to say "I'll be your Huckleberry" in a badass accent. Plus Dennis was way too fat to play the role anyways.
Mar 13 2006Charlize Theron back on the market
Arrested Development guest star Charlize Theron has ended her five-year relationship with movie star boyfriend, Stuart Townsend. Speculation has been brewing for a few weeks when she declared she had no intentions of marrying him. Luckily for Townsend, the break was completed before the Oscars, keeping him from being photographed next to the horrific Shoulder Bow Incident.
Hollywood’s rumour mill went into overdrive. And last night a pal said: “Charlize is free and single again. Her relationship with Stuart is well and truly over. They just grew apart. It wasn’t always easy because filming often kept them apart for months.”
And while most speculate it was Charlize who called it off (based on the "Who the hell could break up with someone as hot as Charlize?" argument), I'm going to take Stuart's side on this one. No matter how many 400-watt bulbs you bring into the bedroom, every once in awhile when you close your eyes during intimate relations, you're going to see Aileen Wuornos from Monster.
Mar 13 2006Sharon Stone = hot
Hey, I like mummies. I really do. But there's a reason you don't often see them having sex, and it's not because they're afraid the video camera will eat their soul. I mean, look at this picture. Sharon's face has more lines than Kate Moss's bathroom. Yep, can't wait to see this naked.
Mar 13 2006Britney Spears puts K-Fed on a budget
Insiders say that Britney Spears has put her husband Kevin Federline on a budget. "Each month, he will be allotted a certain amount of money for personal use - i.e., clothing, nightclubs, booze and day-to-day activities. Any big items - cars, or trips that go over allowance - need to be approved by Brit herself," said one source. "She acknowledges she has made a great deal of money. However, she is trying to show Kevin that he needs to be responsible and curb his out-of-control spending habits."
Wow, he has to ask his wife for clothes and booze - and he's not even irish. I don't know where "begging wife for money" ranks on the list of life achievements. Probably somewhere between "becoming world's dirtiest circus groupie" and "writing homo-erotic Andy Griffith fanfic." Maybe lower.
