Mar 10 2006Oprah Winfrey is still really rich
Around this time every year, uber-celebrities and computer programmers around the world wake up at the crack of dawn, run out to the mailbox, and tear the cellophane from their latest Forbes with the enthusasim of a young child on Christmas morning. You see, this is when the business magazine releases its annual list of the world's billionaires.
And you know it must have been quite the blow to Oprah's confidence when she found herself ranked a pedestrian 562 of 793 total billionaires. Be wary, Earth. Oprah's on the war path. And she won't let you get in her way. Other notables on the list include:
Bill Gates, number uno
Richard Branson and Steven Spielberg, tied at 245
Donald Trump, 278
Ted Turner, 382
Nowhere on the list: Scott Stapp
Mar 10 2006Nicole Ritchie autographs unborn fetus
While The Simple Life won't be remembered as the launching pad for literary careers (launching pad for herpes maybe), the fans still came out in droves for the recent Nicole Ritchie book signing. And while rumors exist that The Truth About Diamonds, Ritchie's "fictional" novel about the rise of a socialite Beverly Hills kid, might have been ghostwritten by someone else, there's no question about who wrote "COME OUT!!" on a pregnant woman's stomach. It was either Nicole Richie or the mentally unstable janitor with the permanent marker.
A few more photos of the illustrious literary event after the jump.
NOTE: Is it just me, or are there an awful lot of books left unsold behind Ritchie?
Mar 10 2006Bin Laden's niece gets a reality show
In the continuing pursuit to give every single person a reality show, Wafah Dufour - Osama bin Laden's niece, who wisely dropped the Bin Laden part of her name - has inked a deal for cameras to document her "quest for stardom".
“I understand that when people hear my last name, they have preconceived notions, but I was born an American and I love my country,” Dufour said in a statement from ReganMedia announcing the deal to develop a reality TV series.
“Her story will bridge the gap that people feel exists between the cultures she has lived in,” ReganMedia President Judith Regan said.
It's an odd tug-of-war Dufour is undertaking: simultaneously distancing herself from her much-bearded terrorist uncle, while at the same time cashing in on the fact that she shares his criminal mastermind blood. Then again, one thing television lacks is a show about an unknown (actress, designer, singer, model, inventor, juggler, or famous person) winning a competition, their reward a place in the public consciousness for 3-5 months.
Mar 10 2006John Travolta's cross-dressing upsets Scientology founder
In an article that could have easily come out of The Onion, MSNBC is reporting that John Travolta's decision to play middle-aged mom Edna Turnblad in a remake of John Waters' classic Hairspray is causing a controversy in the Scientology community. Why? Let's just say that the religion's founder, L. Ron Hubbard, wouldn't be a big fan of this year's gay Oscar theme:
A recent Rolling Stone article about Scientology reports that its founder, L. Ron Hubbard, felt that gays “should be taken from … society as rapidly as possible” because “no social order will survive which does not remove these people from its midst.”
And while it's safe to say that Hubbard was probably not commenting on this specific decision - since, you know, he's been dead for two decades now - Travolta shouldn't be resting easy just yet. Hubbard is scheduled to be reincarnated any day now. And, if for some odd reason that doesn't happen, Travolta should still lookout for Hubbard's Earth-bound enforcer.
Mar 10 2006Vanilla Ice arm wrestles Ryan Cabrera
Oh, those silly MySpacers. This is supposed to be Vanilla Ice arm wrestling Ryan Cabrera, but I've never seen arm wrestling where one guy grabs the other by the thumb and the other guy doesn't even have his elbow on the table. It's like they've invented an entirely new form of advanced arm wrestling suitable only for the greatest white musician on the planet and Ryan Cabrera. There's also an Ashlee Simpson pic in there and one of Hulk Hogan showing off his monster arms. And by 'monster' I mean 'not quite as muscular as mine.'
Mar 10 2006Tom Cruise less desirable than Saddam Hussein
In a recent poll in Stuff magazine, readers said they'd rather spend the night with Saddam Hussein than with Tom Cruise. They asked their readers who they'd least like to share a camping tent with and Tom Cruise won with 41%. Saddam Hussein came in second with 39%, Pat O’Brien with 15%, and Kathy Griffin last at 5%.
Which makes sense, because I think more people would rather be murdered by an ex-dictator than anally raped by 'that dude from Top Gun.'
Mar 10 2006Scott Stapp vows to stay out of tabloids
Mostly shirtless and rarely sexy, Scott Stapp has vowed to get his life back in order after learning prosecutors won't charge him for public drunkenness, following an incident last month in Los Angeles International airport.
"No charges have been filed by the L.A. district attorney's office, and for that I am appreciative," Stapp said in a statement. "I have said it before, but we all make mistakes, and the day will come soon enough where you no longer read of mine in the tabloids."
Part of me is pulling for the guy, if only to save us from having to watch Stapp call himself "king" as he receives video-taped fellatio again. The other part of me, the car-accident and train-wreck loving part of me, wants the former devout Christian to continue his freefall into hell, giving David Cross and Howard Stern more material to use in the process.
Mar 10 2006No Russell Crowe on Sesame Street
Producers for Sesame Street rejected an appearance by Russell Crowe, claiming he's not a good role model. The actor has a two-year-old son with wife Danielle Spencer and another baby on the way, but executive producer Carol-Lynne Parente said "He may not be the best role model for kids. Although I'm sure our writers could come up with a nice piece about dealing with emotions - healthy ways to deal with emotions." She went on to add, "we would love to have Nicole Kidman on."
It's probably a good thing Russell doesn't do the show. Because he'd likely end up bludgeoning Grover with the letter of the day ("The letter of the day is pain!"), or terrifying the Cookie Monster ("C is for Crowe, and that better be good enough for you, or I'll stick those cookies right up your ass.")
Mar 10 2006Neverland is shut down
Michael Jackson was ordered to shut down his Neverland Valley Ranch on Thursday by California authorities. The ranch was closed by an agent of the State Labor Commissioner after the office discovered that his worker's compensation policy had lapsed in January. Local animal welfare officials have been asked to care for the inhabitants of Neverland's zoo. The order prohibits Jackson from employing anyone at the 2,800-acre ranch until the insurance issues are resolved.
More bad news for Michael. No Neverland, no sex children. And thus the garden of hairless delights is gone. But maybe he'll recover. Maybe he'll start a new place. More honestly named. Like MolesterLand. As in "what happens in MolesterLand, better damn well stay in MolesterLand."
Mar 10 2006Sharon Stone proud to flaunt it
Sharon Stone had no qualms about baring all for the sequel to Basic Instinct because she is fed up with ageing actresses being restricted to unsexy roles. She says, "By the time the film is released, I will be 48 and I wanted to do the nudity in a way that's quite brazen. I wanted her to be very masculine, like a man in a steam room and I wanted the audience to have a moment where they realize she's naked and then realize that she's a fortysomething woman and naked. Because we're not used to seeing that in movies. We're used to seeing Sean Connery and his granddaughter, you know what I mean? Or Mel Gibson and his daughter."
Hey, I don't care how many times I see Sean Connery and his granddaughter naked - it's never enough. But Sharon's right, there certainly is a place for elderly naked women in our society - this place is called the morgue. And it hardly ever turns me on.
Mar 9 2006Jessica Simpson dumped via text message
This week's Star is supposedly going to report that Adam Levine broke up with Jessica Simpson via a text message that said: "Really busy. Need Space."
It all started when Levine blew-off their Valentine’s Day date as Jess pressured him for answers. It took a while to sink in and when it did, she told her best friend, "I just got dumped." And by text message, no less. Ouch! Not that Simpson will have trouble finding companionship. A source tells Star that she and British heartthrob Jude Law have been calling each other non-stop – even though they’re thousands of miles apart.
I understand she's a little on the stupid side, but when you're as hot as Jessica Simpson you don't deserve to be dumped until you become horribly disfigured or old. Instead of breaking up with her via text message, Adam should have gone with my method of choice: wear them down with so much sex that they're forced to end the relationship by doctor's orders.
Mar 9 2006Lil' Kim gets ready for jail in new reality series
As far as reality shows go, the new six-part BET series "Lil' Kim: Countdown to Lockdown" should be pretty original. It follows the short-statured, high-expletive rapper in the two weeks right before she's locked away for lying to a grand jury.
The bad news: The cameras stop rolling once she gets inside the slammer, keeping the pillow fights, mud wrestling, and lesbionic activites of female prison out of American households. The good news: A kickin' hip-hop soundtrack that'll be bumpin' over shots of Lil' Kim crying.
Mar 9 2006Conan O'Brien goes to Finland
This Friday's edition of "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" will be devoted entirely to the trip he took to Finland, where he has a huge following due to looking exactly like the country's president. Conan replied to the God-like worship from the Nordic people to the Associated Press:
"(David) Hasselhoff is big in Germany, but I'm the king of Finland. When you see a telephoto lens shot taken from some bushes by a paparazzi, what you're used to seeing is Brad Pitt making out with Angelina Jolie or Michael Jackson being rushed through a mall in a weird disguise. But the shots of me were of this very pale guy staring sadly at the Baltic Sea."
What remains to be seen is if Conan will give himself entirely over to the Finnish people the way Hasselhoff has with the Germans. Go ahead, click it. I dare you.
Mar 9 2006Ashlee Simpson drunk on MySpace
I can't verify that she's drunk or that this is even Ashlee Simpson, but if a complete stranger named Armando can't be trusted, then what hope do the rest of us have in this crazy mixed up world of ours?
Mar 9 2006Sharon Stone goes to Israel, does stuff
Sharon Stone is currently in Israel, apparently trying to revolutionize sports by combining soccer and basketball into a single super event. During a press conference, she also decided to offer up her whoring skills to end conflict in the Middle East, saying: "I would kiss just about anybody for peace in the Middle East."
Considering the things she's expected to do in Basic Instinct 2, it's a surprise she's limiting herself to just kissing. The uncensored NSFW promo reel (after the jump) is a bit old, but it's a good reminder as to why you should be pre-ordering your tickets now. The only thing more entertaining than watching Sharon Stone try to prove how fun she is is watching her try to prove how sexy she is.
Mar 9 2006Pete Wentz responds to nude Sidekick pictures
Pete Wentz has responded on his blog to the pictures of him playing with his erection, claiming the pictures were hacked off his Sidekick and not sent via email through a complicated network of friends as I had been lead to believe.
so as some of you obviously know someone hacked into my sidekick and took pictures off of it. this was very upsetting and a total invasion of privacy. i can't explain to you how it feels. whats even more absurd to me is that anyone would care to see a couple of racy pictures of some shitty, dirty boy. after feeling badly about this for about 24 hours, i am now ready to get back to laughing.
its been a tough couple of weeks for me lately. the only good thing about times of adversity is that you realize who your real friends and fans are- and the rest go away- which in my mind is an ok thing. i just wanted to take the time to thank the people who continually stand by my side- a special thanks to absolutepunk.net and mikey way for being amazing.
the moral of the story: if you really dont want pictures of yourself to end up on the internet. dont take the pictures.
now please return to the shittalking at whatever messageboard you are at.
OMG! gaah. i forgot the most important part- how the fuck did santino not win? santino > pete wentz - for sure- thought i could have understood if daniel won, but her? blah.
now you can really go back.
I'd make fun of the guy, but once your shaved penis has circulated the internet and you openly admit to rooting for Santino on Project Runway, there's pretty much nowhere else for me to go. I guess I could make up a story that he enjoys sex with pigs, but even that would probably be less embarrassing.
Thanks to Kimberly for the tip.
Mar 9 2006Paris Hilton probably has herpes
If you happened to just scan over the E! Online story about Paris Hilton's latest restraining order, you might have missed this particularly interesting tidbit:
Quintana testified last month that his relationship with Hilton turned nasty after she overheard him informing her beau, Stavros Niarchos, that she might have a sexually transmitted disease.
"I wanted him to be aware of it--that she had herpes. To make sure he didn't catch anything. He informed me that he was [aware]," Quintana said.
He said Hilton interrupted his conversation with Niarchos and became "furious."
"She said, 'This is between the three of us; if this gets out you're a f---ing dead man,'" Quintana said. He claimed that after the exchange, he began receiving suspicious phone calls and started to believe his life was in "imminent danger."
So, if you happen to find yourselves on the dance floor with the heiress and she invites you back to her hotel room to participate in some "carnal loving" (the actual words she'll use), ask yourself this: Is a night with Paris worth a lifelong itch in your groin? Be careful out there, boys and girls. And raccoons. And dogs. And every other living thing that Paris Hilton would probably have sex with.
Mar 9 2006Christina Aguilera gets plastered
Christina Aguilera left a friend's birthday party in South Kensington the other night, drunk and stumbling around. I wish there was more to say about this, but all she's doing is walking around. She should've taken more initiative like Tara Reid and tried to drive herself home, maybe running over a few pedestrians in the process and giving me something to work with.
More inebriation after the jump.
Mar 9 2006Britney Spears is going bald
Britney Spears is so stressed about her pop comeback her hair is falling out. Reports claim that Britney is wearing huge hats to cover her thinning hair line. One source said:
'It looks like the poor poppet is suffering from stress-related alopecia. The real cause of her thinning hair is her constant fretting about getting slim and developing a new look for her return to pop."
In less than one year, Kevin Federline has made Britney fat, annoying, and now bald. Although I guess I should take some responsibility for putting the pressure on her to thin down. Calling somebody a beached whale might not be the self-esteem booster I thought it was.
Mar 9 2006Jessica Simpson goes to Congress
Jessica Simpson will be following in Angelina Jolie's footsteps later this month, when she lobbies members of Congress on behalf of a children's charity. Simpson will head to Washington, DC to speak with lawmakers about Operation Smile, an organization that provides surgery for children with deformed faces. A source claims:
"She's in the phase of her life now where she wants to use her celebrity for good."
I'm not sure Jessica really understands what she has signed herself up for. She probably only heard the name, Operation Smile, and then just signed up. In her mind it's no different than operation rainbow, operation unicorn, or operation chocolate milk land.
Mar 9 2006Nick Lachey gets fired
Nick Lachey's dream of being an actor has turned into a failure. His TV pilot, which would have been on the WB, was given the axe yesterday. A source says:
"There are only so many openings on the new network. Nick's show didn't make the cut."
As more time passes Nick will realize his life is a mess without Jessica, and that his friends, fans, parents, and pet lizard only liked him because Jessica did. He's like all those washed up athletes in Texas, with huge beer bellies who always mutter to themselves, "We should have won state, we should have won state."
Mar 8 2006Natalie Portman is smarter than you
A nice palette-cleansing story to wash the horrible taste of underage molestation, Steve-O's heart-shaped groin, chunky Britney pics, and Hasselhoff beatings out of your mouth: Ms. Natalie Portman, fresh off her summer as a Sinead O'Conner impersonator, stepped into a Columbia University classroom on Monday as a stand-in professor for the day.
The cynic in me immediately dismisses this as a publicity-stunt-disguised-as-a-nice-gesture to get her new movie V for Vendetta in the news, kind of like when Angelina Jolie adopts a bunch of kids right before her movies open. On the other hand, it is Natalie Portman, fluent in five languages, degree from Harvard, and perfect in every way. My gut is telling me to go with the latter. As is my penis.
Mar 8 2006Tara Reid pays her way out of trouble
When the well starts to run dry over in Celebrity Rumor Land, it's nice to have a drunk Tara Reid stashed around to squeeze out some alcohol-infused stories and fill it back up again. The good folks over at ToGawp have an exclusive eyewitness account of the latest in Taradise, which includes paying off a car owner after she hit them in her car:
A well-lubricated Tara Reid was seen outside of Dennis Rodman's Newport Beach house on Wednesday morning, paying off a local resident after slamming into their car.
According to our eyewitness, Ms. Reid's "pupils were clearly dialated, fow [sic] what reason I don't know." After exiting their respective vehicles, Tara told the owner of the other vehicle that she "didn't want to deal with insurance," and promptly handed the gentleman $700 to "forget it ever happened."
On second thought, it might be too quick of us to assume the pupil-dialation was the result of alcohol. A sensuous night with Dennis Rodman would leave any woman staggering around like a drunk the next morning, muttering to herself over and over again, "It was bigger than a baby. It was bigger than a baby!"
Mar 8 2006Reese Witherspoon was once a kid
A long-standing Hollywood tradition (established in 2006) has been to embarrass the Best Actress Oscar winner a few days after their win by circulating their childhood photos on the Internet. And since The Superficial is proud to be a part of such a visual roast, we bring you more photos than in her mom's photo albums, which she showed to Reese's prospective boyfriends, embarrassing the poor girl in the process.
We still don't know what we would have done if Dame Judi Dench would have won, seeing as they didn't have photography in the late 1200s. More photos after the jump.
Mar 8 2006Britney Spears never leaves the beach
Is there a celebrity that's had a faster fall from hotness than Britney Spears? Just a few short years ago, she was galavanting around in a skimpy cheerleading outfit, expressing her need to be physically dominated. A short time later, she declared that she wasn't as innocent as we all first assumed, showing off her body in a red leather outfit in the process. And then, to fill up the mental masturbatorial image banks of teenagers across the world, she made out with Madonna.
Then K-Fed came around and the Britney we're left with is a large, out-of-shape, white-trash version of the pop superstar who's always at the beach and, horrifyingly, always wearing skimpy clothing. It's like a caterpillar undergoing metamorphosis, only instead of turning into a beautiful butterfly it turns into a Cheeto-loving beached whale.
Some more aqua-Britney photos for your viewing pleasure after the jump.
Mar 8 2006Michael Jackson's getting buff for your approval
Guess there's not much to do in Bahrain. In one of the stranger stories to come around, Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine is telling reporters that the reclusive pop singer is doing 300-push-ups a day as part of an intensive weight-lifting regiment, with the hopes of becoming more "macho" and revitalizing his career. Apparently, Jackson didn't see how power-lifting helped Carrot Top's career.
The guess here is that buffing up has little to do with trying to appear more manly - he could achieve that simply by throwing out his stuffed animals and stop befriending little boys - but that he's been frightened into action after hearing the news about Yanni's battering ways. A hilarious street war's a-brewing, everybody. And we all have front rows seats.
Mar 8 2006Pete Wentz nude cell phone pics
Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy has been sending nude pictures of himself to all sorts of people that probably didn't want to see them. The story so far is that he emailed these 100% NSFW pictures of himself to a girl he liked who in turn forwarded them to a friend of a friend of a dog who's a friend of a friend. And voila, here they are. If you're weak of stomach or don't enjoy seeing naked erections this early in the day, I suggest you stop looking. But if you've ever wondered what the bassist for Fall Out Boy would look like holding his own erection, then by all means go for it.
Thanks to all gazillion people that sent this in. All the NSFW images after the jump.
Mar 8 2006Paris Hilton banned from party
Paris Hilton was banned from Vanity Fair's Oscar party on Sunday night, after being blacklisted by the magazine's editor. The host reduced the party's guest list to only 500, which meant the praying mantis wasn't invited. When asked why Paris wasn't in attendance, Carter said: "Paris who? She will never attend one of the parties I host."
With all the poverty and anger in the world it's hard to imagine any real good ever happening. But then the 1980 USA hockey team wins gold, Alessandra Ambrosio is born, and now Paris Hilton is banned for life from an A-list party. These are the things dreams are made of, my friend.
Mar 8 2006Teri Hatcher was molested
Teri Hatcher considered killing herself because she was molosted by her uncle when she was a young girl, and says she's still haunted by the traumatic experience. Hatcher tells Vanity Fair magazine:
"I haven't tried to kill myself, but I've certainly thought about it, and then I felt guilty about thinking about it, because what's so terrible about my life? The most horrible thing, that has stuck with me all my life, is that he was touching me and doing things to me, and he said, 'Doesn't that feel good?' I said, 'No, it doesn't. He said, 'Well someday you'll know what I'm talking about.'"
I'd have to be some sort of horrible person to make fun of Hatcher after this, which definitely isn't the case because I read to paraplegics three days a week. I'm glad she became a semi successful actress, considering the only job opportunities for molested children seems to be: A) low rent actress/waitress B) stripping C) Both A and B.
Mar 8 2006Amanda Bynes wants alcohol
Amanda Bynes had to settle for soft drinks instead of booze on a recent trip to Boston. The 19-year-old actress was carded with her She's the Man co-stars during dinner at Bonfire. Their handler, Dayna D'Itria, objected, saying, "I spoke to the manager, and I thought we had an understanding." After IDs were checked, everyone but Bynes ordered cocktails - but the server declined to bring them two drinks apiece as they had ordered. A spokeswoman for Bonfire said, "We abide by Massachusetts state law. We're not in the business of serving teens alcohol. Especially if they're ugly." (last line added by me)
For some reason the thought of Amanda Bynes stumbling around drunk pleases me greatly. Probably cause the thought also includes her stripping naked and calling herself "PenisMonster 5000." The girl is astoundingly cute, and likes to drink, a combination which generally leads to getting astoundingly pregnant. It's really only a matter of time. Time and rufies.
Mar 8 2006Madonna scolds America
Madonna has accused American citizens of being afraid of electing a female as president of the United States. She believes Americans are frightened by the concept. She explains: "In Europe and Asia and elsewhere, women have ruled over millions; it's not an abstract or frightening or out-of-the-box concept. But in America, men are still afraid of women. And women, I don't think, trust women. I find that amazing."
Well thank god we have Madonna to enlighten us on these things. Look, having a woman president is a very cute idea, kinda like having a monkey play the harmonica. I'm actually all for a woman President. Hell, I'd even vote for Madonna as President. More specifially, as President of beer-fetching. Or maybe Vice-President of pregnancy. Or Secretary of silence. Now wait, before you twist your Xena costume in a fit of rage, know that I'm just kidding - she's no longer qualified to be VP of pregnancy.
Mar 8 2006David Hasselhoff gets restrained
David Hasselhoff's estranged wife Pamela Bach has requested a judge grant a temporary restraining order against the star. Hasselhoff and his spouse of 16 years are locked in a bitter divorce battle, but supposedly the restraining order was not requested on grounds of domestic violence. The pair, who have two children together, have reportedly been ordered to keep apart, and granted custody of one child each. The court papers are confidential, because they contain detailed "mental health" papers.
Hmmm, maybe the restraining order had something to do with this. Hopefully this personal tragedy will spur him creatively. I have four words for you: Hoff Sings the Blues. Or maybe something more upbeat, like Hoff's musical orgy: the girls of Berlin. Cause that smells like a Grammy. And possibly weinerschnitzel.
Mar 7 2006The Bachelor Couple fulfill their contractual obligations
Dr. Travis Stork and Sarah Stone, the "winning" couple from The Bachelor: Paris, have decided to go the route of Nessica and Braniston and call it quits. Alas, there will be no Travrah. The couple says the primary reason for the split was being forced to stay apart during the all-important first three-month incubative phase of their relationship in order to keep the ending a surprise.
What are the odds that two people who fall for each other while in Paris filming a reality show would end up splitting when they're left in Nashville and the cameras are turned off? I haven't been this shocked since the last Bachelor couple broke up.
Mar 7 2006Steve-O yellows red carpet
Leave it to Steve-O to act as a silent spokesman for this year's Academy Awards theme of "Return to Glamour" by dropping his pants and taking a leak on a pre-Oscar party red carpet. To be fair, it's tough to walk down those carpets and not feel like urinating on them a little. I mean, they look exactly like a bullseye. Or maybe they don't, and Steve-O is just a living endorsement for birth control.
Mar 7 2006Jake Gyllenhaal gets drunk at Pre-Oscars
Jake Gyllenhaal got completely wasted at the 2006 Pre-Oscars this weekend and took the liberty of ruining all of Ang Lee's photos. I did something similar with Jessica Alba, only instead of making funny faces in the background I kidnapped her and threw her in my trunk. Which actually isn't similar at all, but I figured ruining her pictures would be totally inappropriate for the Academy Awards. I think I made the right decision.
More after the jump.
Mar 7 2006George Clooney can finally get laid
After years of struggling to bed attractive women, Facts of Life alum George Clooney is immediately taking advantage of his newfound Oscar credibility. The Best Supporting Actor was spotted having a nice romantic dinner with his ex-flame Krista Allen, whom you might remember as one of Adam Sandler's porn star friends in Anger Management.
“They looked really happy and relaxed together,” a source told the London Mirror. “They were holding hands and flirting like any loved-up couple would.”
Is it finally happening? Is this the end of Clooney's Urkel-esque cold streak? Is it possible for an attractive woman to look past the rugged good looks, charming personality, enormous wealth and broad intelligence, and just see the capable artist underneath? Let's all hope so. Because if anyone deserves it, it's Mr. Clooney.
Mar 7 2006Yanni beats up his girlfriend
Police arrested New Age composer Yanni from his Florida home yesterday on domestic battery charges, after his girlfriend phoned 911 from a locked bathroom.
And while he denies the charges (even if his publicist secretly wishes them true to gain credibility in the 18-34 demographic), it's hard to look at the mugshot and not picture a crazy Yanni, using an ax to break down the bathroom door while shouting "Come out and take your medicine!" before peeking his long-haired head in and exclaiming "Heeere's Yanni!"
Except, you know, in a sexy Greek accent.
Mar 7 2006Britney Spears is pregnant again...again
Star is reporting that Britney Spears is pregnant again, and that while she, Kevin, and their baby Sean were staying in a $12,000-a-night suite at Maui's Four Seasons Hotel she allegedly told a woman at the hotel's spa: "I'm pregnant!"
Federline, 27, also delivered the bombshell baby news to a friend, who told Star: "Kevin said, 'Britney's pregnant again,' and when I expressed surprise he said, 'Yeah, it shocked the sh-- out of me too.'"
"Britney seems very cheerful and happy, an eye-witness at the Four Seasons told Star. "She certainly looks pregnant. And she doesn't seem to be making any effort to disguise the fact. She's wearing clothes that clearly show a large tummy bump."
After three tabloids say the same thing, it's usually safe to assume it's true. Although they also reported once that Brad Pitt used to eat infants to retain his youthful good looks, so maybe they're just full of shit. Or maybe they're not, and Britney Spears really is pregnant and Brad Pitt really does have a box of infants in his fridge that he occasionally pulls out to eat.
Mar 7 2006Macaulay Culkin not crazy. Or so he says.
Home Alone star Macaulay Culkin fears that his forthcoming semi-autobiographical novel might cause readers to think he's insane. Culkin is urging fans not to read too much into his new book Junior. He says, "I hope people don't think I'm crazy, because I'm not." Culkin decided to write the book when he found himself struggling to find acting jobs, but writing it turned him into somewhat of a recluse. He adds, "I've led a very isolated existence since I was six years old. It's kind of been me and my mind."
You'd think Macaulay would just be happy that anyone is thinking about him without 1) pity, 2) masturbating furiously. Even if he is crazy, no one would worry, because he's about as dangerous as a bag of crazy marshmallows. Although Michael Jackson would tell you he tastes better.
Mar 7 2006Madonna's daughter is perceptive
Madonna says she had some explaining to do when her daughter, Lourdes, asked about that kiss with Britney Spears at the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards. "(Lourdes) is really obsessed with who is gay," says Madonna in an interview in Out magazine. "And she even asked, 'Mom, you know they say that you are gay?' And I'm, 'Oh, do they? Why?' And she says, 'Because you kissed Britney Spears.' And I said, 'No, it just means I kissed Britney Spears. I am the mommy pop star and she is the baby pop star. And I am kissing her to pass my energy on to her."
Great, so now Lourdes will think her mom's some sort of lesbian vampire. Although if you change the word "energy" to "insatiable lust for Ding-Dongs" the story makes a lot more sense. I just can't wait to see what Madonna does when her daughter decides to "pass her energy" onto the dog.
Thanks to Beth for the tip.
Mar 7 2006Serena Williams is a drunk
Serena Williams seemed a little overserved at a Vibe magazine Oscar pre-party in L.A. Witnesses spotted a wobbly Williams being helped out of Republic nightclub by two friends. "They were literally holding her up and keeping her steady so she could walk out," said a source. Serena - who'd been indulging in Moet Champagne - stumbled out early from a party attended by Queen Latifah, Terrence Howard, Kimora Lee Simmons, Ludacris and Nia Long.
I don't know much about Serena Williams. Hell, I don't even watch ping-pong, cause the asian players are always flying around destroying people like a bunch of angry Shaolin monks. But I don't think drinking will improve her chances of winning. Unless she's trying to win a gang-bang. In which case, game on.
Mar 6 2006Tara Reid is a diamond thief
Tara Reid showed up with twenty people at Rose McGowan's private luncheon at the Diamond Acquifer Oscar suite at the Soho House in Hollywood and swiped all the gift bags that had been set aside for guests, which included a $1,000 diamond bracelet. An employee of the Diamond Acquifer told Page Six, "Gone! They took them all! Thieves!"
It's about time Tara Reid gave up on acting and took up a life of crime. A year ago I would have recommended a career in porno, but now I'm really liking the criminal angle. Any slut can have sex, but it takes a real special gal like Tara Reid to be shot to death while trying to rob a bank.
Mar 6 2006I Watch Stuff! gives me erections
If you need a break from Lindsay Lohan and her public escapades, I suggest you head on over to I Watch Stuff! and catch up on the latest Superman and Rocky news. It's informative and entertaining. A winning combination if ever I've seen it. And I haven't seen it. Because I'm blind. So pity me, you heartless bastards.
Mar 6 2006Lindsay Lohan Facebook pictures
I'm really trying to understand why Lindsay Lohan's private pictures are suddenly all over the internet. Either her friends are lashing out for attention or Lindsay managed to piss them all off and this is some weird form of retaliation. I'm guessing they were all at a party and Lindsay decided to take a shit on their coats. On or around their coats. And as disgusting as that makes Lindsay, if it means more embarrassing pictures of celebrities then I suggest all famous people start taking shits on their friends' coats.
Thanks to Joseph for the pictures, and view the entire set after the jump.
NOTE: If you get the reference, a great big SU-FI to you.
Mar 6 2006Oprah Winfrey isn't a whiner
Meg Ryan, who has complained about the downside of fame, had her first interview in two years on Oprah last Wednesday and asked Oprah if she’s ever bitter about her fame.
"Oh, hell, no," Winfrey replied. "No?" asked Ryan. "Oh, absolutely not. Do you know, that would be absolutely impossible for me, because I was born a colored girl. I was born at a time in 1954 where to be colored in Mississippi was like against the law. And to have come from where I have come from to now be embittered because lots of people know you or like you, I would have to be totally, completely stupid."
It's not usually my place to support Oprah, but she's one of the few celebrities out there that has a good understanding of what it means to be famous. If you don't want the fame, just stay out of the business. Although it's a bit confusing to hear Meg Ryan complaining about attention when she's gone and turned her face into a plastic surgery monstrosity. "I dont' want people to notice me anymore. How about if I inject stuff into my face until I look like a freak of nature. Then I'll really blend in!"
Mar 6 2006Lindsay Lohan on MySpace
It's hard to focus on Lindsay Lohan's cocaine damaged nostrils when you've got another girl in the picture who looks like she's off to audition for Cirque du Soleil. And it's even harder to make fun of a stranger in a photo when they're posing with Lindsay Lohan.
Mar 6 2006More 78th Academy Awards crap
There wasn't anything particularly interesting about this year's Oscars, but if you happened to miss the show and just read about it in papers, the big stories this year were Crash's upset victory over Brokeback Mountain and Three 6 Mafia winning best original song with It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp. I've put up both moments in case you felt like watching them (one more after the jump), but they're both pretty boring. I suggest forgetting about both and just making fun of anybody that brings them up today for being a stupid movie nerd.
Mar 6 200678th Academy Awards tackles cowboy issues
If there's one good thing the Academy Awards has brought us this year, it's the end of the stupid gay cowboy jokes. It was probably amusing for the first three or four days after the movie was pitched, but it got pretty old after 10 gajillion "Broken Back" Mountain puns and other lame jokes. I get it. Gay cowboys are funny. They're cowboys. And they're gay. And that's funny. Now let's never bring it up again ever for the rest of our lives.
Mar 6 200678th Academy Awards opening
If you happened to miss the Oscars this year, here's the opening intro skit featuring a ton of previous hosts and a quick explanation as to how Jon Stewart landed the gig. There's also at least two instances of implied homosexual sex, which probably would have been totally inappropriate if it weren't for that silly Brokeback Mountain movie. Somebody better be working on a lesbian supermodel movie so that we can finally embrace them the way we've embraced gay cowboys. Lesbian supermodels are America's real heroes.
