Mar 3 2006Lindsay Lohan drinking, doing drugs, being classy
This is like the week of the underage drinking or something. One of Lindsay Lohan's (ex?) friends released these candid pictures of her partying it up; with some featuring alcohol, one with a bong, one possibly with a line of cocaine, and numerous other ones of her being an overall classy lady. I feel like I've already seen these before, but I'll jump at any chance to remind the police of Lindsay's illegal underage activities. Plus I love how sophisticated she looks when she gives the camera the finger and pretends to give oral sex to a vagina. You can't buy class like that.
Check out the complete set after the jump, and thanks to the sexy Felicia for the images.
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Mar 3 2006Paula Abdul drunk on American Idol
I don't watch American Idol because I'm not a 13-year-old girl, but apparently Paula Abdul was less than coherent during last night's show. The video above is of Ryan Seacrest asking Paula why two contestants received the fewest votes and her responding, "Simon said because one of them ate pizza and the other one ate salad."
And then later in the show, she continued with her insanity, saying: "What did you tell me Simon? What did you tell me? Simon gave me advice and said on 'The X Factor' he always refers to a fortune cookie and says the moth who finds the melon - (laughter) - finds the corn flake always finds the melon and one of you didn’t pick the right fortune."
It's too bad she didn't do what I do when I'm drunk, and that's take off my shirt and wave it over my head as I yell out, "Woooo!" That's how you get the ladies, fellows. You have to impress them with your shirt waving abilities.
Mar 3 2006Joe Rogan fights on MySpace
If you're a 20-year old MySpacer and have ever had the urge to email Joe Rogan telling him how much he sucks, I'd highly advise against it. Not only will he call you a loser and brag about how he's a multil-millionaire Tae Kwan Do champion, he'll also post the whole ordeal on his own MySpace blog. And then he'll probably roundhouse kick you in the face, because that's what you get for going to college and not becoming a multi-millionaire Tae Kwan Do champion. Education is for the weak!
Read the whole email exchange after the jump.
UPDATE: Joe Rogan brags on his own forum about winning the MySpace war. I would've thought multi-millionaire Tae Kwan Do champions would have better things to do with their time.
Mar 3 2006Kid Rock rips Scott Stapp
Kid Rock blames Scott Stapp for losing a sex video showing them with several strippers. Rock defended his backstage antics, saying, "It's not any big revelation that this goes on in rock 'n' roll, especially with who I am. He's the idiot because it's out. I'm holding him responsible." Rock said he invited Stapp to join him and four strippers after Stapp entered his motor home with a video camera and asked to "get in" on the action. "I don't want to be in that company with all these idiots (who have) sex tapes," Rock said, "which is why I've never had a video camera. I agree I knew the tape was going on at the time - I must have. Although, I'll guarantee you, I wasn't sober."
Look, if you find yourself being videotaped naked in a motor home, there's really only a few people you can blame: 1) the guidance counselor who told you high school was for pussies, 2) that creepy and vaguely homo-erotic midget, hereafter known as "the greatest strip-poker player who ever lived" 3) yourself. Get over it.
Mar 3 2006Jessica Simpson is paranoid
Jessica Simpson is convinced people are "out to get" her and blasted the press for linking her to Johnny Knoxville last year. She spoke out for the first time about the press reports about Knoxville, saying "It's so cruel and I just try not to let it affect me, whatever everybody was thinking about me. If I did, I don't think I'd be here now. I can't save anything from being talked about because then it becomes this game, and it's not a fun game. I feel like everybody's always out to get me, and that's a weird feeling."
People are only trying to get one thing from Jessica Simpson, and it rhymes with scoobs. Because that's all there is to her. Nobody wants to listen to a girl to whom intelligent debate means arguing which is the best letter on Sesame Street ("I dunno, five is pretty good." Pause. "Jess, five is a number"). The only one who wants to listen to her is my pillow, because that's where I'd smoosh her head during sex.
Mar 3 2006Pitt and Jolie may be secretly married
Angelina Jolie has reportedly been seen wearing a gold band on her ring finger, sparking speculation she and Brad Pitt have married in secret. The couple have rented an apartment in Paris and it was there that Jolie was spotted wearing the apparent wedding band. "Brad and Angelina have their own secret and the rings are part of it. In her mind, they are married," a source was quoted as saying.
I'm not sure what "in her mind, they are married" means. Hell, in my mind I'm a lumberjack known as Mighty Joe Testicles, but I'm pretty sure that's not how I'll be introducing myself to the in-laws. But hey, whatever you say Angelina.
Thanks to dee for the tip.
Mar 2 2006Jessica Simpson getting fat
NW reports that Jessica Simpson is so distressed over Nick Lachey dating so many women and fighting for her money that she's turned to food for comfort, putting on over 15kg (33lbs) since announcing her split in November.
Spotted on a recent shopping trip in Santa Fe, New Mexico, stunned onlookers could hardly believe their eyes as the singer-turned-actress perused the confectionary aisle. An eyewitness commented that Jess was visibly heavier in the arms and waistline. Self-conscious about her bulging belly, the singer attempted to hide her growing girth with an oversized handbag and baggy black T-shirt. But there was no hiding her double chin and sallow complexion as the gloomy star selected a chocolate bar from the display rack.
Aware of her blossoming figure, Jess was later seen at the local Big 5 Sporting Goods store, where she was checking out exercise equipment. In a bid to get in shape for her upcoming film Employee Of The Month, the curvy cutie spent about $1300 on a pair of treadmills and other fitness equipment.
I don't know how true this is, but Jessica needs to get her act together and drop down to her usual gorgeous self. When a hot woman can't tell the difference between chicken and tuna it's kind of cute, but when an ugly fat woman does it, it's just annoying. And when an ugly fat woman gets annoying, the chances of their face meeting my fist increases by 300%.
Thanks to Ang for the tip.
Mar 2 2006Hermione still loves her booze
For those of you who thought the photo of Emma Watson drinking a Corona was doctored, a fabulously sexy reader has sent in a couple more pictures. While none of these actually show her drinking and swallowing the beer, you can only pose so much with an empty beer bottle before people start putting two and two together. Although a number of commenters have pointed out that most of the rest of the world doesn't have a drinking age set as high as the United States, so wherever she's getting boozed up it's probably legal. Or not. Whatever, let's just arrest her and let prison decide if she's guilty. And let's pretend that made sense and not make fun of me for failing out of third grade.
One more after the jump.
Mar 2 2006Nick Lachey has a great life
In an interview with Teen People, Nick Lachey says that he's thinking about having children and that people shouldn't feel sorry for him because he has a great life.
"Obviously, it's not the right time for me to be a father. But the one thing I haven't had a chance to do is be a great dad. Playing with my friends' kids and having them call me Uncle Nick – that's life." As for how it is to be single again, Lachey says: "Don't feel sorry for me. I have a great life.
Considering his new girlfriend, former Miss Kentucky Elizabeth Arnold (pictured above), has the biggest boobies I've ever seen in my entire life, I'd say yeah, he's got a pretty great life indeed. Not having a job and being the laughing stock of America can be tough at times, but it's hard to be sad when you've got a pair of ginormous breasts to comfort you.
Mar 2 2006Britney Spears upset by internet photos
There was a time when that title would've sent millions of guys on a frenzied porn hunt. Of course that was before Britney stepped in the Ugly-mobile and took a long drive down Chubby Avenue. In any case, Spears' marriage is in trouble again. Spears, vacationing in Maui, reportedly flew into a rage after photos of her husband in the arms of French dancer Sandy Lakdar surfaced on the Internet.
A friend says "She was literally kicking and screaming. When she got back to her suite, she was so furious, she destroyed everything in sight. She called Kevin but couldn't reach him." The friend claims Spears has since ordered her husband to pack his bags and "get the hell out" of the house she shares with him.
Kevin's gotta be approaching platinum level hotel points at the nearest Motel 6. And that's where you want your possibly cheating husband to go - to an anonymous hotel room. Yep, nothing bad could happen there. Good thinking there Brit. Now, if you could just figure out why the DVD player keeps melting your movies and the bread won't quite fit in the toaster.
Mar 2 2006Whitney Houston may be pregnant
Recent comments by Bobby Brown are leading Whitney Houston fans to think she is pregnant. Denying buzz that his marriage to the singer is in trouble, Brown told a mag that their bond is stronger than ever. “I’m hoping that she’s pregnant right now,” Brown said. Whitney’s rep, however, suggests that the bad boy rapper is spreading false rumors, saying, “She’s not pregnant.”
Well, if crack was semen Whitney could've populated a small town by now. But I have trouble believing she's pregnant. Mostly because I can't imagine anyone willingly having sex with her. It'd be like having sex with a scarecrow. Except without all the chafing and guilt. Well, without the guilt anyway.
Mar 2 2006Lil' Kim's boobs are exploding
Jailed rapper Lil' Kim and her breasts are fighting a battle to the death, and it appears the breasts are losing. "Apparently, she's worried her boobs are leaking," a source says. "She needs to have them serviced."
Kim is serving a year-long sentence at the Federal Detention Center in Philadelphia on perjury and conspiracy charges. Her rep swears she is "perfectly healthy," but sources say that she's confided to family members about a festering problem with her knockers.
I've always been perfectly willing to service her boobs. Although that might not be so great if they start shooting stuff at me like the Death Blossom in The Last Starfighter. I'm all for being healthy, but without gigantic boobs, Lil' Kim serves as much purpose as Magic Eye books for the blind.
Mar 1 2006Jessica Alba wants to sue Playboy
Jessica Alba is threatening to sue Playboy for putting her image on their cover, claiming that Hugh Hefner & Co. are trying to make it seem that she appears in a "nude or semi-nude pictorial." The Smoking Gun has a copy of the legal threat letter which requests that Playboy cease distributing the magazine and provide Alba with a "monetary settlement" for its unauthorized use of her image for commercial purposes.
The ploy might have worked better if Playboy had picked a somewhat new image as opposed to the Into the Blue promo that everybody's already seen. It'd be like Newsweek putting the Ghostbusters poster on their cover and pretending they've got exclusive pictures of Bill Murray with real live ghosts.
Mar 1 2006Jenny McCarthy has public diarrhea
In an interview with Arena magazine, Jenny McCarthy claims that she had diarrhea during a Playboy signing and let it all go in front of everybody there.
"I once had really bad diarrhoea at a Playboy autograph signing. I was squeezed into a tight red dress, dripping in sweat, and knew something was not right. But blonde model's heroic attempts to ignore it were sadly in vain. I just kept having my picture taken with the fans. But then I was like: 'Oh no, the demon is about to be unleashed.' And it was unleashed for about 20 guys to witness. I knew at that point in my career all I was supposed to do was turn men on, but just ended up grossing them out."
Sometimes I wonder if Jenny McCarthy could possibly get any sexier. And then a story like this appears about her taking a dump in front of 20 guys and I think to myslef: No, this is about as sexy as humanly possible. Any sexier and my head would implode.
Mar 1 2006Lindsay Lohan shows her boobs again
Lindsay Lohan was at a Los Angeles fashion show when one of her boobs popped out of her dress. I was under the impression that her breasts had disappeared with the rest of her fat, but I guess I was wrong. Either she's finally managed to crack the secret of being thin and having big breasts, or she's gotten herself a little breast surgery. If you look at the full NSFW image after the jump, it looks like there are ripples and possibly even a scar on the side of her boob. Although the only way we'll ever know for sure is if she just lets me grab them and mash them all in my face. And judging by the way I got pepper sprayed the last time I propositioned her, it's probably not going to happen.
UPDATE: Image removed at the request of Lindsay Lohan's lawyers.
Mar 1 2006Ashlee Simpson is pretty
You may feel something poking you while you look at this picture. That would be Ashlee Simpson's mongoloid chin. The down side is it's pretty damn ugly. The up side is she can probably take a punch, which will no doubt come in handy when she's married. She could also use it to paddle a canoe. Or hunt vampires.
Mar 1 2006Nick Lachey is furthering his career
Proving he'll be able to sustain himself post-Jessica, Nick Lachey is going to make $500,000 for agreeing to be in an infomercial. According to Us Weekly, Lachey "pumps it up" with Brooke Burke in new ads for celebrity trainer Gunnar Peterson's Core Secret DVDs. And because he signed the deal after his separation from Simpson, he doesn't have to give her a dime.
I was originally going to rip on Nick with something really witty, clever and subtle, something like "Nick is a big stinky poopyhead." But then I realized that making $500K to hang out with Brooke Burke while she exercizes is a pretty goddamn good deal. The only way it could be better is if the DVDs are called Brooke Burke's Super-Orgy. And I take Nick's place. And the filiming is done in my basement. And Brooke thinks that men who cry when they're naked are sexy.
Mar 1 2006Virginia Madsen upset over Lindsay Lohan questions
Sideways star Virginia Madsen, having befriended Lindsay Lohan on the set of the new Robert Altman film A Prairie Home Companion, has come out in defense of the teenager, insisting she has to answer unsavory questions the media would never ask of boys. "(In) every interview I read, somebody was asking her about her weight and, 'Do you throw up in the bathroom?' I mean, no one asks teenage boys, 'Do you have pubic hair yet? What size are your balls?' Whereas they'll ask a teenage girl, 'Are you still a virgin?'"
Where is this woman from? Hell, when I was a teenager, people were always asking me about the size of my balls. I'd be like "hi" and they'd be like "Hi! So...how big are those balls of yours?" And I'd be like "Should we really be discussing this in church?" But the reason nobody asks these questions is that, unless you're a reporter for Naked Boy Balls Weekly, the answers aren't gonna sell a lot of magazines. That's probably a good thing.
Feb 28 2006Pete Doherty still up to no good
Pete Doherty was arrested yesterday on suspicion of stealing a car and possessing class A drugs, and was released this morning on bail.
"We don't know what the drugs are at this point. The substance has been sent for analysis," the spokesman adds. Class A drugs typically include cocaine, heroin and opium. A spokesman for Doherty confirms the arrest and tells PEOPLE: "I don't know any more at this point until I have spoken to Pete's lawyer."
I'm not sure how Doherty has managed to stay out of jail for so long, considering his life basically consists of being in and out of relationships with Kate Moss, doing drugs, and now stealing cars. He's like Harry Houdini, except he can't pull 200 feet of handkerchief out of his mouth. Or can he?
Feb 28 2006Lindsay Lohan hooks up with Wilmer Valderrama
Lindsay Lohan was spotted going back to the SoHo Grand hotel room with her ex-boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama at 5:30 am yesterday. The two had been partying together at Lotus, and Us Weekly has already bought pictures of the two leaving the hotel together.
It'd be pretty irresponsible reporting to just assume the two hooked up and had sex, but considering I only wear pants about 12% of the day, I'm probably not in the running for the Pulitzer here. Plus I actually saw them having sex, so it's not even an assumption. It's a fact.
Feb 28 2006Emma Watson enjoys her underage drinking
I love it when 15-year-old girls put on Snoopy shirts and illegally drink beer in front of the camera. Especially when they're fancy schmancy actresses who play Hermione in Harry Potter movies. It's a pretty specific love, but it's a deep one.
Feb 28 2006Jessica Simpson is deep
Jessica Simpson has composed another encouragement-crammed, proverb-packed message to her fans. "You guys, there are blessings all around us just waiting to be noticed," she writes from Santa Fe, N.M., where she's filming Employee of the Month. "Today, find the simple things we all take for granted. Listen to the voice of your heart, not the voice in your head. Be wise and steadfast. Pay attention to the direction of the wind so that your steps will seem to walk lighter, making your journey through life a bit easier." Jessica also quotes from the Bible again, referencing Isaiah 30:21, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way, walk in it.'" She concludes by saying "Always remember that life is not a problem to be solved, it is a gift to be enjoyed."
Well, the voice in my heart says that if Jessica's brain was a television, the only show on would be Teletubbies. The voice in my head pretty much agrees, but also helpfully adds that if her boobs were a television I would've electrocuted myself long ago.
Feb 28 2006Matthew McConaughey doesn't like Sarah Jessica Parker
Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker star as sweethearts in Failure To Launch, but the actor reportedly couldn't stand Parker off-screen. Although they were acting in a breezy romantic comedy, sources on the set say filming was anything but fun. One insider says, "Matthew gets along with pretty much everyone, but he basically couldn't bear Sarah." McConaughey recently made an appearance on Oprah Winfrey's show, and when asked by Winfrey to sum-up working with Parker, the actor seemed to struggle, and eventually came up with, "Great comedic timing." He then added, "Very peculiar, too. Man, she's a very interesting woman. Yeah."
McConaughey is about as easy-going as it's humanly possible to be without banging the local pharmacist. This doesn't make Sarah sound too good. You know what does make her sound good? Sticking her nose in a wind-tunnel and using it to unlock the secrets of time-travel.
Feb 28 2006Diddy likes prostitutes
Diddy is enjoying Carnival in Brazil, where he was spotted slipping into a Rio hot spot known for its low-priced call girls. “The name of the place is ‘Help’ and the girls there are supposed to be the cheapest prostitutes in the city,” says a source. “According to the local press he was annoyed when he saw the photographers and arranged to get in through the garage.”
Buying the cheapest prostitutes in Rio? Hey Diddy, another idea is simply to stick your penis in a jar of herpes. Probably save you a few bucks. I don't know any combination of the words 'cheap' and 'prostitute' that ends well. Except maybe "You should've seen the look on Diddy's face when that cheap prostitute rested her balls on his forehead."
Feb 27 2006Vinnie Jones is the Juggernaut
For those of you who thought Vinnie Jones would make a bad Juggernaut, you were absolutely right. Unless you always envisioned Juggernaut catching a quick game of soccer before making his way to the local comic book convention. I mean that's what menacing super villains do all the time, right? Watch soccer? It's menacing!
Feb 27 2006Janice Dickinson is gorgeous
When you've got a driver's license photo that looks like this, you've earned the right to occasionally step outside and look like a monster. Or to, uh, get more lip injections. Because if there's anything Janice Dickinson needs it's more lip injections. You know, injections. For her lips. To make them fuller.
Feb 27 2006Britney Spears might be pregnant again
Britney Spears was rushed to a Malibu hospital last week with reports saying it was to take care of her constipated son Sean Preston. However, a source has told The Scoop that she's pregnant again, saying: "She was throwing up and had stomach cramps. She’s pregnant." Britney's rep is denying the claims and insists she's not pregnant.
Considering this is at least the second story claiming she's pregnant, I'm going to go ahead and assume it's true. I'm also going to go ahead and assume drinking Red Bull and jumping off a building is a good idea. I saw on a commercial once that it gives you wings, so there's really nothing that could go wrong.
Feb 27 2006Bruce Willis and Petra Nemcova might be dating
Bruce Willis has been desperately trying to get Petra Nemcova's number and finally got it after he donated a ton of money to her charity. Since then, the two have been keeping in touch and Petra has told her friends, "He's been really sweet to me, but I wouldn't call it dating." But in stereotypical fashion, Bruce has been telling all his friends that they are dating.
To be fair to Bruce, I tell people I'm dating Petra Nemcova all the time too and I've never even met her. Unless you consider standing outside her house with a pair of binoculars "meeting." In which case yeah, I guess I've met her.
Feb 27 2006Madonna has fake eyelashes
Madonna has gotten a pair of fake eyelashes made from mink and studded with diamonds from Japanese makeup artist Shu Uemura. The Scoop alleges that the mink is real but they're not sure about the diamonds. I'll just go ahead and assume the diamonds are real as well though, because the more ridiculous the story the better. I'm surprised Madonna doesn't just have humans murdered so she can harvest actual eyelashes. Sure, you could probably just pluck them, but why pull eyelashes from somebody who's alive when you can do it from somebody that's dead? Just do the math, man.
Feb 27 2006Evangeline Lilly is sophisticated
I don't know what to think about this picture of Evangeline Lilly. I suspect that somewhere on the beach, a six-year-old girl is crying her eyes out because Xena stole her swimsuit. Some people find her very attractive. I'm tempted to invite these people to my house, draw some boobs on my refrigerator and watch them fall in love - because there's very little to differentiate them. Except the fridge won't pee its pants when you fill it full of beer.
Feb 27 2006Jennifer Aniston gets ratted out
Way back in the late 1980s, Jennifer Aniston shared a West Village apartment with fellow actress Nancy Balbirer. Balbirer ratted her out the other night at Joe's Pub, at an event to mark the paperback release of The Underminer: Or, the Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life. Balbirer's "underminer" was "a famous sitcom actress" called "Jane" - a thinly veiled Aniston - who she met when both were auditioning to be extras on Saturday Night Live.
According to reports: "Nancy let Jane live rent-free in her Village apartment for a few months. Nancy said Jane, who was then working at a burger joint, was obsessed with her looks, and would give herself bikini waxes while lying upside-down on the couch. Jane advised Nancy to try and be 'more fuckable' on auditions, and to buy chicken cutlets at the Food Emporium to stuff her bra. Jane iced her nipples before auditions, and lamented her big butt and her nose, which she said 'came from her Greek half.' Jane moved to Los Angeles, got liposuction, a nose job and a hairline adjustment, and lost a lot of weight after going on NutriSlim. Nancy recounted a trip to L.A. where she asked to stay with her old friend, but instead Jane named some hotels, telling Nancy not to be so desperate, because it's unattractive, especially in a town like L.A."
She got a nose job? Good god, what did her nose look like before surgery? If she laid on her back in the ocean, did they put on the shark alert? Although Aniston's rep denied some of the story, it seems to fit. Listening to her talk is about as interesting as poetry night at Larry's House o' Stutterers. No wonder Brad ditched her. It'd be like being married to a rich parrot.
Feb 27 2006George Michael arrested
George Michael was arrested on Sunday on suspicion of possessing drugs after he was found slumped in a car in central London. A London police spokesman issued a statement saying a 42-year-old man had been held on suspicion of possessing Class C drugs, which includes cannabis, tranquilizers and some painkillers. “We were called by a member of the public to a man seen slumped over the steering wheel of a car,” the statement said. “He was arrested on suspicion of possession of controlled substances.”
Well this is kind of disappointing. I kinda expected the "George Michael slumped in a car" sentence to end with "beneath ten pounds of heroin and a pair of incestuous chinese acrobats." He must be mellowing. He didn't even have to whip out his package to get arrested this time. One could debate whether this is a good or a bad thing. Although I'm not sure debating George Michael's penis will put you quite at Clint Eastwood level on the scales of manliness.
