Feb 24 2006It's Peanut Butter Federline Time

I think the work speaks for itself.

Feb 24 2006Mandy Moore and Zach Braff wedding registry

In case there was ever any doubt that Mandy Moore and Zach Braff are indeed getting married, the foxy Neva tracked down their Tiffany's wedding registry. There's nothing particularly interesting, but it's worth looking at just to see their full names Amanda Moore and Zachary Braff in print. Although if you'd like to get a little something for the couple, I recommend the $260 pierced tablespoon. I'm not exactly sure why you would want holes in your spoon, but I figure it's for those go-getters who find drinking soup just isn't quite challenging enough on its own.

UPDATE: I think you crazy sons of bitches took down the Tiffany's website. Give it awhile and I'm sure it'll be up again.

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Feb 24 2006Spider-Man's new costume revealed

In case you haven't already seen it, Sony has finally released an official image for Spider-Man 3 featuring Spider-Man wearing his black costume. For those of you who didn't spend your childhood reading comic books and mastering the NES, the black costume implies that Spider-Man will be facing his archrival Venom, who sports an alien symbiote that merges with its host to give them that black costume with all its alien symbiote powers. And now if you'll excuse me, I have go find some women to have sex with to wash the taste of nerd out of my mouth. Damn you, childhood. Damn you to hell.

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Feb 24 2006Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt cut price of house

According to The Wall Street Journal, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have cut the asking price of their former Beverly Hills home from $28 million to $24.95 million. The vintage 1935 French Normandy-style house has been on the market since October and the two will split the earnings from the sale.

If they really want to crank up the interest in the home, they should consider sending out a press release saying they used to have sex all over the place and have rubbed their naked bodies against every square inch of the property. Because I know there are some rich perverts out there who'd kill to have a wall that smelled like Brad Pitt's butt. Their wife would come home early one day and see this guy humping the wall, crying out, "I love you Brad!" And then I'd read about it in the paper and laugh, because I totally said that would happen.

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Feb 24 2006Bono nominated for Nobel Peace Prize

Despite my vehement protests, Bono has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize again. He's part of a list of 190 other nominees which is the most ever in the history of the prize. Bono was nominated for his campaigns to cancel third world debt, which is cool and all, but I think I could've campaigned against it as well if I weren't so busy working a job to save myself from debt. You'd think those banks would just look the other way when you borrow $1 million and never return it. But they won't, man. They're bastards.

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Feb 24 2006Britney Spears gets help from yoga master

Britney Spears is reportedly seeking the help of a yoga guru as she plans her career comeback. The pop superstar has been spotted visiting Sikh yoga master Singh Khalsa at his Los Angeles home and sources claim she's undergoing a course of "sound healing." During the therapy sessions, which are based on ancient kundalini yoga practices, clients are exposed to sound vibrations as they lie on a special couch.

Sound healing. I see. I guess if I heard my thighs rubbing together like two seals playing twister I'd need some sound healing too. She doesn't need yoga, she needs Yoda - he could use his jedi powers to lift her fat ass on a treadmill.

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Feb 24 2006Star Jones and Al Reynolds fighting

Star Jones and hubby Al Reynolds had an angry screaming match triggered by rumors that he is gay. Insiders also say the bust-up has led to fears that their 15-month-old marriage is in crisis.

An insider said: "Star and Al had a loud fight that is causing the latest problems in their troubled marriage. "I think at the root of it all is the fact she wonders whether Al really loves her. Gay rumors have followed their marriage from the beginning. It's probably caused her to question what's really going on. He seems to be hanging with his friends at odd hours."

Three tips for determining if your husband is gay: 1) his underwear is sexier than yours 2) he tattoos hair on your chest 3) his name is Al Reynolds. Poor Al. If riding with Star Jones to planet vagina doesn't doesn't destroy your heterosexuality, nothing will. Except maybe cutting off your testicles. But I repeat myself.

Thanks to Mandeena for the tip.

Feb 24 2006Daniel Craig can't drive 007's car

New 007 Daniel Craig shocked producers of Casino Royale when he revealed that he cannot actually drive Bond's trademark Aston Martin. Craig told Bond bosses that he is actually only qualified to drive an automatic transmission vehicle, which was a huge problem with driving the manual Aston Martin DB5. Filming had to be halted so that the actor could actually learn how to drive the fictional spy's hi-tech car.

This is getting ridiculous. Our new James Bond can't get even a d-list actress to pair up with him, gets his teeth knocked out, can't drive a stick, and looks like his face was carved out of yogurt. The only way it could get worse is if he spent the entire movie in pink hot pants with the words "shaken, not stirred" on his ass and introduced himself as "agent double-o-pretty princess."

Thanks to Jacqueline for the tip.

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Feb 23 2006Britney Spears flops around in Hawaii

There's a whale joke to be made here and I think it goes a little something like this: Britney Spears looks like a fat whale! Okay, there's probably a better whale joke to be made, but I spent the past hour drinking Grey Goose vodka from the bottle so we're lucky I'm even conscious here, let alone able to type.

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Feb 23 2006Jennifer Love Hewitt buys lingerie

This isn't really news, but if I've got a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt buying a thong you better believe I'll be putting it up. Because the only thing sexier than a big breasted celebrity in a thong is a big breasted celebrity buying a thong. No wait, that's not right. A big breasted celebrity stealing a thong? Shit, now I forgot what 'thong' means. It's like a fruit or something, right?

Feb 23 2006Kevin Federline hits on Jessica Simpson

Life & Style Weekly is claiming that Kevin Federline "made a beeline" for Jessica Simpson at the Los Angeles club Privilege, although reps for the two insist they're just old friends. According to a clubgoer: “She invited him to sit down. There was definitely some chemistry there.”

As much as I wish this were true, there's just not enough here to get excited about. I invite people to sit down all the time and it's not because I want to have sex with them. Usually it's just because I've placed a deliciously funny whoopie cushion down and the farting noise it makes is so embarrassing for the other person. Plus, Kevin is already doing it with his sister. You've got to think, people, think!

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Feb 23 2006Bobby Brown hits on Tamala Jones

Actress Tamala Jones is claiming that Bobby Brown "crudely propositioned her" during Nick Cannon's birthday party at a Los Angeles bowling alley.

Brown was "drunk and jaws just clicking and clacking back and forth," Jones says in the latest issue of Smooth magazine. "He came over and said, 'What's up?' ... He picks me up and he's like, 'I heard you been in Atlanta, girl. Why you don't come and see me? Don't you know I always wanted to f- you?' I'm like, 'Boy you better put me down! I am dating somebody that's in the business, and he's from Atlanta. ... You know my dude and I know your wife.' ... He said he wasn't even with Whitney anymore. I got snatched back. ... It was Bobby; he pulled me by my hair and kind of like pulled me back. I was like, 'You better stop playing,' and I walked on. Then he yanked me back harder and now my whole body tripped back and I'm 'bout to fall. I turn around and he pushes me. I push him back! Then he pushes me again. So I sock-push his a-!" She says Bobby's brother Tommy broke it up.

Pulling a woman by the hair seems less like a "crude proposition" and more like sexual assault. I tried it once, and instead of thinking I was hitting on her, the crazy woman freaked and called the cops. If you can't pull a woman's hair to show affection then what else are you supposed to do? Engage in civilized conversation? Screw you society. Screw you to screwsville.

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Feb 23 2006Hugh Grant kicks photographer's ass

Yesterday morning, Hugh Grant got into a small fight with a photographer while he was taking a walk in Central Park and ended up hitting him over the head with a manila folder and literally kicking his ass.

The actor, who has a reputation for being cranky when faced with flashbulbs, was checking his phone when the photog approached and started clicking away, an eyewitness tells the paper. Hugh reportedly retaliated by pulling a patented Cameron Diaz move: He started to shoot back with his cameraphone.

"How do you like it, mate?" he's quoted as asking the lensman, who seemed to like it fine. He kept right on documenting the encounter, which purportedly prompted Grant to call him a feline-inspired epithet and bonk him on the noggin with a manila folder.

"The photographer kept smirking at him," the onlooker tells the paper. "He said, 'I don't know what you're so mad about.'" Grant mentioned the whole "invading my privacy" thing, but the "photographer kept taunting him."

Then, in a move seemingly inspired by one of his countless comedies, the star proceeded to kick the photographer in the butt -- "not hard," says the bystander -- in an attempt to get him to back off.

This is all I ask of my celebrities. Instead of showing up on TV and complaining about the paparazzi, why not get off your lazy bums and actually do something about it. I bet if enough celebrities started stabbing photographers in the throat and karate kicking them in the nuts, the paparazzi would just naturally back off. Unless they enjoy getting stabbed in the neck and kicked in the crotch, in which case celebrities should go with the backup plan: trained bears.

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Feb 23 2006Joe Pesci can do whatever he wants

Officials said today that Joe Pesci won't be charged for punching a fan who photographed him in a shopping center parking lot because there wasn't really any chance he would be convicted.

"The investigating officer was unable to determine who the primary aggressor was and there are no independent witnesses to the incident," Richstone wrote in response to a Boca Raton police warrant request.

If a fight breaks out between Joe Pesci and anybody else, it's usually a safe bet to assume the "primary aggressor" was Joe Pesci. This is the guy that stabbed a man to death with a pen in Casino for crap's sake. And just because I can't tell the difference between fiction and reality doesn't mean he didn't actually stab a guy to death with a pen. How is he not in jail? That's crazy.

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Feb 23 2006Lindsay Lohan Dating Olympic Champion?

Lindsay Lohan may have a new man in her life - Olympic gold medalist Shaun White. The couple shared an intimate night together at New York club Bungalow 8 on Tuesday - and White is already boasting about his conquest. The snowboarder says, "Her and I ended up meeting up at the famous Bungalow 8. It was a good time. It was a trip. Coming home from Italy, everybody's been running up to me, saying how proud they are. It's been crazy and so I had to get some time to have fun."

I have no idea if this is true or not, but I'll choose to believe it, only because it's hard to imagine Lindsay Lohan not having sex with a new man every night. The girl smokes more meat than a Texas barbecue. It's like I was telling her the other day in bed: "Lindsay, you've gotta have some self-respect. Now hurry up and put those antlers back on."

Feb 23 2006Mary-Kate wants to be Kate Moss

Mary-Kate Olsen idolizes Kate Moss so much that she wants to make and star in a movie about her. “Mary-Kate absolutely adores Kate Moss,” a source says. “She was so worried about her when Kate went into rehab, and she even wrote her a really nice letter offering her support and friendship.” Mary-Kate thinks that she'd be able to bring the right edginess and depth to the role. She sees Kate as a survivor, just as she is herself. She believes that this could be the movie to show that she’s a talented grown-up who can really act.”

Well, I really don't know if she can bring the same edginess and depth that she brought to New York Minute. Then again, I'm not sure how much talent it takes to stumble around in a drug-fueled daze playing "pin the penis on the supermodel." The dialogue shouldn't be tough to remember, being some variation on "Come on, I don't have all day. Shove the coke up my butt already." Oscars all the way.

Thanks to Kyle for the tip.

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Feb 23 2006Whitney Houston can't sing

People are talking about how bad Whitney Houston was performing at the Olympics in Turin. "Nowhere close to a gold-medal performance, nor even a bronze contender," a witness said.

Houston coughed, sniffled and talked her way through one song and told the crowd: "Why did they choose to do this outdoors? I don't sing in the cold. It makes my voice funny." Her hit, "I Will Always Love You," quickly became "her all-time low moment," the witness reports. Unable to reach the high notes, "Whitney smiled, waved and winked to the fans. Karaoke drag queens can belt it out better."

Maybe Whitney would have been more successful singing some of her more recent hits, like "Crack is my muse" and "That damn cat keeps pissing in my hair." Of course she'd be even more successful renting herself out to local haunted houses during Halloween. The kids would be like "yeah, Freddy Krueger was pretty scary, but not as bad as the witch offering to blow me for crystal meth."

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Feb 22 2006Kevin Federline sports mystery woman

Kevin Federline has been spotted with his arm around a woman that isn't Britney Spears. I have no idea who the woman might be, but I'm going to go ahead and assume it's his sister. And that he's cheating on Britney Spears with her. Because if jumping to conclusions has taught me anything, it's that whenever you see a guy with his arm around a girl it's safe to assume they're also having sex and probably related. That's a scientific fact, my friends. I read it in a magazine.

Feb 22 2006Kid Rock sues to stop sex tape

Kid Rock has won an initial victory to stop his sex tape with Scott Stapp and four women from being released. The court order only applies to the preview clip and will remain in effect until a court hearing Friday to determine whether the actual tape will be stopped as well.

"We don't deny the authenticity of the tape," Kid Rock's lawyer, William Horton, told the Detroit Free Press. "But they're using this without his permission to drive the sales of their other products."

"Even rock stars are entitled to privacy," said co-counsel Michael Novak. "These are public figures, and the standards are different."

In an affidavit filed with the lawsuit, Kid Rock, who was born Robert Ritchie, said the video was shot in 1999 near Miami. At the time, Stapp was the lead singer of Creed. Kid Rock said in the lawsuit filing that it was clearly understood that the video would remain Stapp's private property and would not be displayed publicly. Joseph has said previously that he got the tape from a third party. It involved women from a strip club and was taken in a motor home, he said.

I'm hoping the courts have the decency to halt the distribution of the tape. Not because I'm concerned for Kid Rock or Scott Stapp's privacy, but because I don't think my feeble little mind could take their two naked bodies gyrating around each other.

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Feb 22 2006Jake Gyllenhaal is the Godfather

Brokeback Mountain co-stars Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger have become so close that Ledger has asked Gyllenhaal to be godfather to his 4-month-old daughter Matilda. Gyllenhaal credits the movie with building a unique bond between them. He says, "Heath and I are best friends now -- making the film was very intense for us. I'm actually godfather to Heath's daughter Matilda, which is an amazing honor. Almost as amazing as the night he covered me in warm cocoa and called me Mr. Pickles. I think he might have been drunk."

Ok, I may have doctored those last two lines a bit. This is a nice, heartwarming story, so I don't really have much to say. But I'll be curious to see little Matilda's reaction to all this as she grows up. In most circumstances, stumbling across a DVD of Dad having sex with your godfather can lead to some awkward questions. Particularly if they're both dressed as mimes. And weeping. And using your bed. And you get the DVD for Christmas.

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Feb 22 2006Lindsay Lohan talks about Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan, in an interview with Allure magazine, says she does not want to be called a Teen Queen. She wants to be considered a serious actress and rejects her youthful, party-girl image. "I hate it when people call me a teen queen,'' Lohan says. As for her days as a wraith, Lohan says: "Sometimes being that thin doesn't look healthy. I kind of didn't realize that. I lost weight when I was in the hospital, and then I wanted to keep it off. (But) you start to wonder if your friends are your friends because you look a certain way.'' The past year "felt like five lifetimes because I've grown up a lot,'' she says. "I know better what to do and what not to do. I lost sight of the people and things that are most important to me.''

You know what I lost sight of? Her boobs. And they were very important to me. See, there they are in the little picture there. So I'm glad she's put the weight back on. She represents the exception to the "girls over 100 pounds are fat and evil" rule. Now, before you drop your milkshakes and start wheezing in anger, know that I'm just kidding. It's more like 90.

Thanks to Gargamel for the tip.

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Feb 22 2006Mary-Kate Olsen is not a role model

Mary-Kate Olsen has hit out at criticism she is a poor role model for children - insisting she and sister Ashley aren't looking to set an example. The actress, who previously suffered an eating disorder, inisists the pair can't be blamed for the issues affecting other kids and is annoyed at being constantly saddled with that pressure.

She says, "I think we've been labelled as role models since we were very young. My sister and I don't look at ourselves as role models - I think that's a huge responsibility. The best we can do is take care of ourselves and experience life for ourselves and not really let the outside world affect us."

Wait a second. I don't remember them complaining about being role models when they were raking in $500 million a year in Olsen Twin merchandise. You could barely take a crap without seeing their faces. Of course it probably didn't help that I painted their faces on the toilet. But that's beside the point. I'm don't know what the point is, exactly, but I'm pretty sure it has to do with her being naked and riding a unicycle while I throw pancakes at her.

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Feb 21 2006Paris Hilton flashes panties at Tao

Paris Hilton was partying at Tao over the weekend, being the classy woman of sophistication we've all come to know and love. Either nobody taught her you're not supposed to spread your legs in a short dress, or she's some sort of fashion pioneer. Like Davy Crockett, but instead of exploring the frontiers of the West, she explores the frontiers of being a whore.

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Feb 21 2006Mischa Barton says Paris Hilton is insecure

Mischa Barton has come out and said that Paris Hilton's cruel remarks about her are due to her insecurity and hunger for publicity. Mischa fell out of Paris's circle of friends when she began dating Kimberly Stewart's ex-fiance, Cisco Adler, and recently said:

"I met her one or two times and she's making out there's this big rivalry between us and there so isn't. She seems to hate everyone around her age who is more successful."

Barton also attacked Hilton's appearance at the Brit Awards last week's, saying, "I tuned into the Brits because I like to know what's going on in British music and I saw her and I was like, 'What?' She was coming out with all this ridiculous stuff, like, 'I love London because... whatever.' Please."

Paris does seem the insecure type, like one of those people you could walk by and say something like, "You're looking a little fat today." And then it would ruin their life. She'd call you a stupid lying fuck face and then pretend she was okay, but then she'd secretly develop one or two eating disorders because she's scared of the way people view her. Then she'd over compensate and pretend to be secure by having her clothes fall off in public and making sex tape after sex tape. Which I'm totally fine with, by the way, so feel free to call her fat as often as you'd like.

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Feb 21 2006Drew Lachey is not very successful

Nick Lachey's brother, Drew, canceled an appearance on Mad TV last week because the producers of Dancing with the Stars threw a hissy fit. In an email obtained by Page Six, Drew's rep said: "[The producers] weren't thrilled with anyone on their shows participating in a parody of any sort. Drew has had a great experience on the show and since they only have 10 days left, his team doesn't think he should ruffle feathers or bite the hand that fed him."

When the hand that feeds you is an appearance on Dancing with the Stars you know you've got a problem or two with your career. Or your life for that matter.

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Feb 21 2006Jessica Alba gets a traffic ticket

If you have as much money as Jessica Alba does, wouldn't it just make sense to hire a guard monkey to fling poo at any officer that might try to give you a ticket? If I had that kind of money I'd get at least two. Because if anything keeps officers away from your car more than a monkey throwing poo at them, it's two monkeys throwing poo at them.

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Feb 21 2006Tom Cruise might sue over split story

According to his lawyer, Tom Cruise is considering suing Life & Style magazine for claiming that he split with Katie Holmes and implying that the two were going to continue faking their relationship for good publicity.

Cruise is set to meet with his lawyer Fields this week to discuss possible action against the publication. Fields says, "This is a disgusting and malicious story. t is unequivocally false and I have already demanded a retraction. I will be sitting down with Tom in the next couple of days to discuss this story, and ultimately it's his call as to whether we bring a lawsuit. But if it was up to me, I would sue."

Considering Tom Cruise has a lot of money, enjoys suing people, and is generally insane, I think it's a safe bet to assume he'll go ahead with the lawsuit. When your world revolves around worshipping space aliens and bending young impressionable women to your will, suing magazines is really no big deal.

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Feb 21 2006Paris Hilton and Nicole Lenz make lesbian sex tape

Playboy model Nicole Lenz has elaborated on her alleged lesbian sex tape with Paris Hilton, saying it's the "horniest videotape of all time" and claiming it was made after a night out partying in Las Vegas in a $1000-a-night suite at the Bellagio Hotel.

Lenz is quoted in Britain's News of the World newspaper as saying: "The moment we were in the room Paris had only one thing on her mind - sex. We lied down on a king size bed and took it in turns to play with each other. It wasn't long before we were naked and rolling around together."

Lenz also claims she and Paris pleasured each other with sex toys. She added: "We just pleasured each other for hours, recording it all. Paris had brought all manner of sex toys - to make sure we didn't miss out on anything simply because there was no man in bed with us!"

Rumors of the tape have been circulating for awhile now, but leave it to the Playboy model to bring up the use of sex toys. And as hot as I'm sure the tape is, trying to picture Paris Hilton having sex with Nicole Lenz is like picturing an oversized praying mantis trying to mount a barbie doll. Fun for awhile, but then you realize what you're masturbating to and have to kill yourself for being disgusting.

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Feb 21 2006Catherine Keener shoots down fans

You wouldn't think that Catherine Keener would be a demanding snob, but you'd be wrong. A couple recently made a charity bid on a backstage visit to PBS's The Charlie Rose Show but had to reschedule because Keener demanded no visitors be allowed in the green room before, during, or after her taping.

For a woman I had no idea was even alive until The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Keener seems a bit too ungrateful towards her fans. And I use the term "fans" loosely, because I don't think anybody cares enough about her to actually be considered one. In fact, I had to IMDB her name twice while writing this because I forgot who she was and why she's famous. Apparently she played 'Nina' on an episode of Seinfeld. Exciting!

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Feb 20 2006Cameron Diaz almost killed by bird

Cameron Diaz was on her way to a movie set in the UK when a bird flew through the windshield of the Audi A3 she was riding in and showered her with glass.

A worker at the garage where the vehicle is being repaired told Britain's Sunday Mirror newspaper: "There is no doubt that the chauffeur saved her life. Other drivers would have panicked and lost control but he remained very cool. All you had to do was look at the damage to the windscreen to realise there had been one hell of an impact. I thought someone had thrown a brick from a bridge or something."

It's good to see Cameron's okay, but I'm surprised she didn't just open her mouth and swallow the bird. If you're going to have a huge mouth, the least you can do is put it to use and swallow birds that fly through your windshield. Then when the chauffeur asks where the bird went, she could pull it out of her mouth and pretend it was all some elaborate magic trick.

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Feb 20 2006Carmen Electra and Victoria Silvstedt love each other

I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation as to why Carmen Electra and Victoria Silvstedt would be kissing each other like this, but when a bag of money falls in your lap you don't ask why, you just take off your pants and start fondling yourself. Or, uh, some other analogy that sort of makes sense and doesn't end up with me looking like a pervert.

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Feb 20 2006Steven Seagal and Carrot Top are friends

Isn't it about time that somebody got Steven Seagal and Carrot Top to make a movie together? It could be a touching story about a boy and his dog and their journey through adolescence. Carrot Top could play the dog, and Steven Seagal could play the guy who breaks people's necks and karate chops them in the face.

Feb 20 2006Nick Lachey wants Jessica Simpson's money

In court papers filed last Friday, Nick Lachey said he was reserving the right to seek spousal support even though Jessica Simpson asked the court not to give him any.

The 32-year-old Lachey also asked the court to confirm that "miscellaneous jewelry and other personal effects" are separate property, as well as his earnings from after the date of separation and other unspecified assets. He said they separated Dec. 13, although she claims it was Nov. 23.

It's nice to see Nick fighting for what he so rightly deserves. If hitting on college girls and rummaging through dumpsters for food doesn't entitle you to your wife's money then nothing does.

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Feb 20 2006K-Fed Says He's Ready for Backlash

Kevin Federline is ready for a backlash over his brand-new role as white-boy rapper, but told Newsweek that it can't get worse. "'He hates his children, he treats his wife like dirt, he gets high all day,'" he said, quoting his critics. "If I was that bad, you think anyone, let alone Britney, would put up with it?"

He plans to release his debut album by this spring, but without featuring his wife on the album, said Federline. "We have collaborated," he said. "But I'm not going to put the songs on this album because it's like, 'Respect me first; then I'll show you what I've done with my wife.'"

We've already seen what you've done with your wife. You've turned her into a talking lump of silly putty. The only thing they could possibly collaborate on is feeding each other doritos out of a banjo. Which, actually, would be much more entertaining to listen to than Kevin's music. With tracks like "I can't see my feet", "There's still some in my belly-button", and "What do you mean these are my fat pants?"

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Feb 20 2006Mischa Barton is tempting

Here's a pic of Mischa Barton showing a bit of the ol' nipplage. She doesn't appear to be wearing a bra, but since she's about eight feet tall she can probably just rest her boobs on her boyfriend's head. Or, better yet, she can rest them in my hands, as long as she doesn't mind me giggling like Beavis and making honking noises when I squeeze them.

Feb 20 2006Gwyneth Paltrow is fat

Whoa, look how fat Gwyneth Paltrow has gotten recently. Must be all those fish and chips. Oh, that's right, she's pregnant. Nevermind. She keeps talking about how much she loves being a mom, but if she loved that baby so much then why did she eat him? She also seems to be laughing - maybe someone told a joke about how fat and stupid americans are, since she always enjoys that. You know what I'd enjoy? Switching her baby with a monkey at birth and then trying to convince her that it's retarded. And that the best way to breast-feed him would be to paint her boobs like bananas.