Feb 17 2006Naomi Campbell loses another assistant
Naomi Campbell parted ways with her latest assistant on a British Airways London-L.A. flight last week. Before boarding, Naomi was heard complaining on the phone about service. Then, she turned on her assistant. "Naomi was angry because some dresses didn't get where they were supposed to go, and the assistant yelled that she was quitting," says a source. "Passengers complained to the stewardess, who was going to get the pilot, when they stopped their screaming match. Then they didn't speak to each other for several hours."
Being Naomi Campbell's assistant is right above "professional ass-eater" on the list of world's worst jobs. Normally I'd feel sorry for the assistant, but I don't have any pity for masochists. Maybe now she can concentrate on a more relaxing job, like wrestling a pack of hungry badgers, or opening a Pakistani strip-club called "Mohammed is a Mohomo."
Feb 17 2006Kelly Osbourne is going bald
Kelly Osbourne has apparently changed her hair style so many times that it's starting to fall apart, much like the rest of her body. Kelly is rumoured to have needed hair extensions to attend the premiere of Casanova due to premature balding resulting from years of dyeing. "It was horrible," she said. "Because I've fiddled with my hair over the years, it started falling out in clumps. I had to get extensions for the premiere," she said.
The only way Kelly Osbourne could become less attractive is if she started growing horns. And even then, other horn-wearing animals like bulls and minotaurs and unicorns would be like "Dude...slumpbuster." The idea of waking up and having Mr. Clean's cold, clammy head pressed up against you is not pleasant.
Feb 17 2006Michael Jackson paid ex-wife to shut up
According to new court documents, Michael Jackson agreed to pay his ex-wife Debbie Rowe $900,000 per year in hush money after they split, as well as a mansion in Beverly Hills and a lump sum of at least $4 million as part of a divorce settlement.
The legal documents have been made public as part of a new custody battle as Rowe fights for the couple's kids Michael Jr and Paris. Obtained by entertainment news website Tmz.com, the documents feature court transcripts from a hearing last June, in which Jackson's lawyer, Thomas Hall, told Judge Stephen Lachs, "Mr. Jackson was under an agreement with Petitioner (Rowe), which he was to pay her four or five million dollars up front, gave her a mansion in Beverly Hills, and then was to pay $900,000-a-year, for a number of years, if she abided by agreement terms." Jackson reportedly stopped paying Rowe her annual stipend after claiming she violated their confidentiality agreement by publicly speaking about him. Also in the court file, Rowe is quoted as stating, "I have just been advised by Michael's 'inner circle' that he is abusing drugs and I was even given the name of the physician that is prescribing all of Michael's medications, which I fear is dangerous not only to Michael but also to the children."
I guess if I was doing terribly disturbing things in a make-believe world I created for little children I'd probably want to pay off my ex-wife to stay quiet as well. Except instead of paying out $900,000 a year I'd just lump some of that together and hire a ninja to cut off her arms, legs, and tongue. And you're probably thinking, "Why not just kill her?" Because a dead corpse isn't nearly as funny as a quadriplegic mute. Trust me, I know about these things.
Feb 17 2006Stella McCartney throws Gwyneth Paltrow a baby shower
British designer Stella McCartney threw a baby shower for Gwyneth Paltrow last week, treating her and a group of friends to an afternoon of pampering courtesy of London spa Aroma Me. According to In Touch magazine, the spa's owner, Kirstie Garrett, came along to personally ensure that everybody got the very best aromatic treatments. It's too bad they didn't go with my idea, which was an afternoon filled with taking turns punching Gwyneth Paltrow in the stomach. You know, because pregnant people love it when you do that.
Feb 17 2006Lisa Marie Presley gets married again
Lisa Marie Presley's publicist announced that she got married for the fourth time last month to guitarist and music producer Michael Lockwood. The two got married in a traditional Japanese ceremony in Kyoto with Lisa Marie's mother giving her away and one of her ex-husbands, Danny Keough, acting as best man. And you'd think having an ex-husband as best man would be awkward, but it wasn't at all. At least not until his speech when he pulled down his pants, pointed to his penis, and started yelling, "Miss this, baby? Miss it?! Do you miss it?!"
Feb 16 2006Scott Stapp and Kid Rock make sex tape together
As if being arrested hours after his wedding wasn't embarrassing enough, a preview clip of Scott Stapp's sex tape has been released and it features a special guest appearance by Kid Rock. The preview doesn't show any actual sex, but it does feature Scott Stapp getting his nipple licked which probably isn't safe for work. Or eyes for that matter.
Feb 16 2006Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen model for Badgley Mischka
Here are Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen, wandering through the halls of the Overlook Hotel. They're supposedly modeling something. Perhaps anorexia. Definitely not breast implants. Remember that big countdown to their eighteenth birthday, when everyone thought they were going to be so gorgeous? And then the birthday came and the world collectively scratched their heads, because screwing them seems about as pleasant as screwing the vacuum cleaner. At least the vacuum doesn't complain when you use a marker to draw boobs on it.
Feb 16 2006Madonna treated for hernia
Madonna's spokeswoman announced today that she had a minor procedure for a hernia and is "absolutely fine now." I know being a celebrity means you're a public figure, but it doesn't mean you have to announce every little thing that happens in your life. If you start dating Gary Coleman fine, announce it. If you rob a bank, okay. But a hernia? If you're going to give out disgusting private details of your life, at least make them interesting like a really perverted sexual practice. But telling everybody about your hernia is like announcing you have explosive diarrhea. Which, uh, would actually be pretty funny. So forget everything I just said and bring on the explosive diarrhea. Like literally bring it on. I want to be covered in it.
Feb 16 2006Tom Cruise on Oprah - As It Should've Been
Best Week Ever put together a nice mashup of Oprah's Tom Cruise interview and the one where she tears into James Frey for lying in his book.
Feb 16 2006Eva Green is the new Bond girl
French actress Eva Green is the new Bond Girl. Green, 25, who previously acted in Kingdom of Heaven, will star as 007's arm candy in the upcoming Casino Royale. She beat out her closest rival, Olivia Wilde, who recently appeared on several episodes of "The O.C." The role was reportedly turned down by Angelina Jolie, Charlize Theron and Thandie Newton. Sony chiefs greenlighted Green this week after flying her to Prague for a screen test with Craig.
Great, fantastic. I've always wanted to watch a James Bond movie starring people I've never head of before. This is like watching The Wizard of Oz starring Carrot Top and the deaf lady from the community theatre who smells like old tacos and screams at the telephone. At least Eva Green is hot. Kinda. But if I wanted to spend $10 in the hopes that a semi-attractive girl will maybe get almost naked, I would've never left high school.
Feb 16 2006Paris Hilton hits on Prince
Paris Hilton toasted singer Prince in a London club this week, delighting Prince so much that he snuck out the back of the club. Hilton was reportedly drinking absinthe at Kaberet Prophecy when she got into the DJ box and announced to the crowd, “I'm celebrating my birthday and Prince is in the house, so I want to play his new single because he's hot,” according to the Sun newspaper. Prince, hiding under a hood, quickly headed for the exit, but Hilton danced on the table tops until 3:30 a.m.
The proper end to this story has cops raiding the club, busting Paris for drugs, and sticking her in a women's prison where the inmates take turns making her their toilet monkey. Alas. But bravo to Prince there. He managed to escape before Paris's tractor-beam vagina pulled him in. From what I understand it's much like the Death Star. Except the wookies aren't so friendly.
Feb 15 2006Willie Nelson Releases Gay Cowboy Song
Willie Nelson has released "Cowboys Are Frequently, Secretly (Fond of Each Other)", which may be the first gay cowboy song by a major recording artist. The song, which debuted Tuesday on Howard Stern's satellite radio show, features choppy Tex-Mex style guitar runs and Nelson's deadpan delivery of lines like, "What did you think all them saddles and boots was about?" and "Inside every cowboy there's a lady who'd love to slip out" and "if sexiness was corn, your ass would be Iowa." Amazingly, I only made that last line up.
But what could be hotter than the combination of Willie Nelson and homo-erotic love? I had no idea country music was full of so much rampant homesexuality. I guess the ten-gallon hats and chaps should've tipped me off. That, and being hit on buy some guy calling himself the Bone Ranger.
Feb 15 2006Tom Cruise is still nuts
Reports are saying that Tom Cruise was acting strangely at a Kanye West concert at L.A.’s Avalon recently. Cruise “dangled off a nine-foot-high balcony” at the concert, according to the new issue of In Touch Weekly. He then complained “All these people are making me crazy. It’s too much!’” and, as onlookers “gasped in disbelief” he “climbed up cables to get away from the crowds.” Cruise made it up to the VIP balcony and reportedly “went nuts” when he heard his favorite songs from West. “ The mag also says that Cruise chatted with other concert-goers about Scientology. “He asked us what religion we were,” a source said. “He told us that Scientology changed his life and his fiancée’s life, and it could change ours, too.”
It must be great to be Tom Cruise. The world to him is like a big jungle gym, except without the creepy bearded guy nearby offering you money to show him your weiner. But I get the impression that practicing Scientology is like dating a group of transvestites: it costs a lot of money, is totally misleading, and in the end you find yourself surrounded by penises.
Thanks to the oddly passive-aggressive Joe for the tip.
Feb 15 2006Paris Hilton says her album is hot
Paris Hilton mentions her new album in the upcoming Star and talks about how great it is, saying, “It’s been a long hard process getting this CD together. I’m really proud of the album. It’s hot. I’ve written poems, so that helped me with lyrics. People will trash [the still unnamed album] because it’s me, but once they listen, they’ll be shocked. I know this is good.”
The only part of Paris' music career that you need to know about is that she's getting the creative team who did her Carl's Jr. commercial to shoot her music video. Remember, this is the same group of people who thought Paris Hilton being half naked and getting sprayed with water would be a good way to sell hamburgers. Compared to these guys, Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking might as well have dedicated their life's work to proving boogers taste salty.
Feb 15 2006Janice Dickinson yells at straight people
Janice Dickinson recently yelled at some straight people while she was in an East Village gay bar making out with two guys. A source says: "They tried to have a word with her, but she told them to get out of her face."
What's interesting about this story is that Janice Dickinson was making out with two guys at a gay bar. What's even more interesting about this story is that she only yelled at the people bothering her instead of doing her trademark "clawing off of their faces." And what's most interesting about this story is that it has no mention of how great I am in bed. Okay, that last one isn't interesting. It's just tragic.
Feb 15 2006Paris Hilton attacked by PETA
Paris Hilton was pelted with flour last night as she made her way to a London Fashion Week after party. She had finished walking for Julien Macdonald's show and as she made her way to the after party both she and Julien were covered in flour by PETA activists. A spokesperson for PETA said, "Julien MacDonald may have been able to ignore images of bloody skinned animals gasping for breath in the past, but hopefully a dash of flour will help him rise to the occasion and forsake fur once and for all."
No offense to PETA, but they seriously have to come up with better ideas than this. As much as I enjoy seeing Paris Hilton covered in flour, I enjoy it even more when she's kidnapped by crazy PETA activists and forced to watch them eat a live cow. I don't know why they would be eating a live cow, but I bet it'd make a pretty good point about something. Like that cows taste best when they're alive?
Feb 15 2006Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes still together
A publicist for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has come out to deny reports that they've split, saying in a statement: "It should be known that the story is 100 percent false. Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes are still engaged and are moving forward with their wedding plans, as well as planning for the arrival of their child. Despite the malicious fallacies put forth by Life & Style magazine, the couple is looking forward to a long and happy life together as a family."
This is exactly what Life & Style said they would do. Deny that they've broken up and keep the charade going until Katie gives birth in the spring. The only way we'll know for sure is if I dress up as a ninja and break into their home to see if they're sleeping in seperate beds. And before you ask why I have to dress up like a ninja, a better question would be why am I already dressed up like a ninja. The answer? I don't know.
Feb 15 2006Shannen Doherty crashes her car
Shannen Doherty suffered minor injuries in a car accident yesterday after she failed to yield to oncoming traffic and was hit by a Mustang.
Brooks said the 1999 Mustang driven by James Paul sustained "substantial damage" while Doherty was able to drive away in her Land Rover. He said neither party was under the influence of drugs or alcohol."Ms. Doherty has not been cited. However, further investigation may result in a citation," Brooks said.
If I was a big time celebrity I wouldn't yield to regular people either. I'd just close my eyes and floor it in hopes that I got to wherever it was I wanted to go. If being in Charmed doesn't earn you the right to blindly run over pedestrians, then the terrorists have truly won.
Feb 14 2006Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes break up
Life&Style Weekly is claiming that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have agreed to call off their wedding and ultimately split, although sources say they're going to keep up the appearance of a relationship until their baby is born.
In the meantime, the couple will live in his Beverly Hills home - though sleeping in separate bedrooms - through the summer. Then, presumably, they'll announce a separation - but Tom plans to buy Katie a home nearby so he can visit his child whenever he wishes. "They'll share custody," says the friend, who claims the couple are drawing up a legal document to provide for Katie’s and the baby’s financial well-being for life. "Tom will set up Katie and the baby," adds the pal.
Maybe this is some sort of Valentine's Day joke. Like the time my dad told me he was leaving my mom for a sexy blonde he met at some bar. And then he disappeared and never came back, occasionally sending postcards of him and his new family. That was a pretty good joke, Dad.
Feb 14 2006Nicole Richie hands out Dr. Pepper on Valentine's Day
I'm not entirely sure why, but Nicole Richie was handing out Diet Dr. Pepper in NYC today. A task so difficult that it required an assistant to do the majority of the lifting for her, allowing her to bring it those extra two inches to the consumer's hand. They might as well have just put in a robotic fortune teller and taped a picture of Nicole Richie to the head.
Feb 14 2006Britney Spears enticed by Fat Tuesday
Louisiana native Britney Spears says she will return to the state to celebrate Mardi Gras later this month, including television appearances and surprises for the residents:
The 24-year-old pop star will appear on ABC's "Good Morning America" on Feb. 28 (7 a.m EST), when the morning show reports live from New Orleans. ABC announced that Spears will bring "surprises for a group of very deserving young residents."
I don't want to spoil her surprises for the young residents, but it sounds to me like car rides! Still, it's nice to see Britney supporting her hometown again. I guess you can take the girl out of Louisiana, but you can't take the Cheetos from the girl. Seriously, try. She's got a death grip on those things. She'd rather crush them and eat the powder then let you put just one of your dirty fingers on them.
Feb 14 2006Robin Williams goes to strip club
Page Six reports that Robin Williams visited Scores West on Sunday and got lap dances until 5am.
"He was very friendly," says Scores dancer Mackenzie. "I showed him my new boobs, and he said that they looked great." Adds Scores girl Katherine, "I was trying to dance for him, but he kept making me laugh by making funny faces and noises."
The thought of Robin Williams doing anything remotely sexual is like a punch to the senses. There's something about a hairy gorilla man molesting strippers that really haunts your imagination.
Feb 14 2006Elisha Cuthbert is a tasty Valentine
In honor of Valentine's Day, I thought I'd put up a picture of someone who never seems to look bad. The only bad thing you can say about her is she doesn't appreciate romantic gestures. Like that time I got naked and hid in the back of her car with a dozen roses clenched in my teeth. She totally freaked out! And I was like "but look at the ribbons..." and kinda, you know, looked down so she could see where the ribbons were, and gave her a sexy wink. And then she freaked out even more. Maybe she wasn't expecting to see that wax replica of her head sitting on my package, but come on. It's romance, baby.
Feb 14 2006Pink is fat
Pink is making no apologies for her video for Stupid Girls, in which she bashes young starlets. "Jimmy crack corn and I don't care," she said about the possible negative reaction. "I've never had a problem being burned alive for my feelings. I feel like so many women have been out there fighting for our independence and our equality and to further our rights, and girls like this come along and wipe out all of our progress and they push this size-zero image that's unattainable for the average person. No girl needs any more reasons to think that her boobs aren't big enough (because of) this mindless, unquestioning consumerism. I'm not a professional athlete but I like being fit. But in every tabloid (has been the headline), A Chubby Pink Walking Her Dogs, and I laugh at it because I don't, at the end of the day, (care) what these people (think)," she said. "They're not feeding me, they're not clothing me and they're not having sex with me ... and they're not my dogs."
I don't know what she's saying here, other than that she may be having sex with her dogs. I generally have a hard time paying attention to girls unless they're thin and big-boobed and morally ambiguous. And have names like "Candy" or "Peaches" or "Where's My Beer". But I'm glad Pink's around to fight the war against oppression. Because she seems to be losing the war against Twinkies.
Feb 14 2006Even more David Hasslehoff
Apparently I've been grossly misinformed about Australia. I always took it to be the land of sunshine and beautiful women - like California with crocodiles. But now it's become the land of the Hoff. I would've loved to hear the discussion of this photo shoot. "Well, you see David, we've got this white outfit we want you to wear. What's that? Oh, yes, that's the tire-swing, we'll want you to swing around on that like a little fairy while we throw pepsi at you. Now, how wide do you think you can open your mouth?"
Thanks to Xander for the tip.
Feb 13 2006Tommy Lee gets beat up
Tommy Lee got beat up by Eminem's posse in Detroit last week for making fun of Kid Rock. I'm trying to come up with something clever to say, but it's like trying to crack a joke after seeing a monkey punch a guy in the balls. No matter how hard I try to be funny, reality has me beat.
Feb 13 2006Mel Gibson buys bowling alley for island
Mel Gibson is having an eight-lane bowling alley shipped to his private Pacific island in northern Fiji. I guess he felt it was finally time to splurge a little. I mean, buying an island is fun and all, but you haven't really lived until you've got your own bowling alley. His next purchase should be giant bags with money symbols on them. He could fill them with cash and just leave them piled all around his home, occasionally filling one with bricks and hurling it at poor people.
Feb 13 2006Scott Stapp marries Miss New York
Scott Stapp, the former lead singer for Creed, got married in Miami last Friday to former Miss New York Jaclyn Nesheiw. If I was Nesheiwat I'd seriously consider investing in a bat or some sort of wooden club with nails sticking out of it, since Scott Stapp seems like the kind of guy who would get drunk, beat his wife, and then yell at the lamp for making him beat his wife. And then maybe try to drink the lamp.
UPDATE: To prove my point, the stupid bastard got arrested for public intoxication in Los Angeles while on his way to his honeymoon just hours after his wedding.
Feb 13 2006Ashanti is thin
If I recall correctly, Ashanti used to be pretty damn hot. You know what else is hot? - burritos, which Ashanti has apparently been eating by the bucketload. I've never tried to squeeze a bowling ball into a sandwich bag, and this is why. She doesn't look terrible, but there's a time and a place for outfits like that. The time is Opening Day, and the place is the circus.
Feb 13 2006Clay Aiken in trouble...gay trouble
Clay Aiken's second album may be in trouble, with RCA putting it "on hold" until the sex allegations of former Green Beret John Paulus blow over. And there are rumors that Aiken's rabid fans could file a class-action lawsuit against the singer. "He represented himself as a heterosexual choirboy," a source said. "They might want their money back." A rep for Aiken said, "The album will come out some time in May."
RCA can wait as long as they want, allegations about Clay Aiken aren't going away any time soon. The only way he could make it any clearer is if he called his new album Homo Ballads and the album cover showed him playing a xylophone made entirely of penises.
Feb 13 2006Paris Hilton may play Mother Teresa
I don't usually get news from southern India, but what the hell. Bollywood director T. Rajeevnath, scouting for a suitable actress to play the title role in his film on Nobel Peace laureate Mother Teresa, has sent feelers to Paris Hilton. "My agents in California have contacted Paris Hilton," Rajeevnath said.
The director said he was impressed when he read a report sometime ago in which the hotel heiress said she had refused to pose nude in Playboy magazine and decided then to shortlist her. "Although there are several actresses willing to play the role of Mother Teresa, the most widely respected and loved person, the history of the actress who is finally chosen for the role would have to be analysed thoroughly before she is chosen," said Rajeevnath. Rajeevnath expects to get the blessings of the Pope for the film.
Hmmm. Well this would be an interesting casting choice. Kinda like casting Jackie Chan as Jesus. I don't know what the plus side of having Paris would be, unless Mother Teresa's going to be naked most of the movie. Which might make the whole canonization process a bit awkward.
Thanks to Roxxe for the tip.
