Feb 10 2006Calista Flockhart might be Gollum
In case you've ever entertained thoughts of dating Harrison Ford, let this be a lesson to you all. If I didn't tell you that this thing used to be Calista Flockhart I know you wouldn't have guessed it. Instead, you probably would have left some comments asking why I was posting pictures of strange sewer creatures. And then I'd make up some terrible lie about starting a sewer creature fan club, but eventually you'd find out it was actually Calista Flockhart and we'd have a big fight because I lied to you, and trust is the only thing we have in this world, baby.
As unhealthy as she looked as a stick, it was still way more appealing than this. A plate of monkey feces is more appealing than this.
Feb 10 2006Sharon Stone wishes her boobs weren't on the floor
Sharon Stone says she's disgusted with the amount of cleavage that celebrities show on the red carpet and wishes they would just walk across nude.
"You look around at women's dresses that are so low cut, you can see acres of boobies. Frankly, I find the acres of shoved-up booby so much more horrifying than a calm bit of walking across the room nude. One is much more honest and the other looks like you have your ass on backwards."
Once you get to be Sharon's age, it's only reasonable that you're allowed to complain about women that are younger and more buoyant than you. And really, isn't appearing fully nude in disgustingly graphic sex scenes the classiest move of all? I hear that's what the English Royal family does and they're really classy. They drink tea and everything.
Feb 10 2006Neve Campbell and John Light are engaged
People reports that Neve Campbell is engaged to British actor John Light, although a wedding date has yet to be set. To propose, Light apparently got down on one knee and recited Shakespeare to Campbell, which must have been terribly awkward for her. I'm all for cheese, but that's about as cheesy as cheesily possible. He could have grabbed an actual block of cheese and started grating it on her head and it still would have been slightly less cheesy.
Feb 10 2006Hilary Duff has a pretty smile
Hilary Duff, by Hollywood standards, seems fairly normal. She looks like the sort of girl who'd marry the star pitcher in high school, have three kids, and settle down into obscurity. But her teeth. You could screen a movie on those things. An IMAX movie. A word of advice for future boyfriends - they don't call her "the scraper" because she cleans ice off your car in the morning.
UPDATE: This may be Haylie Duff. But my big teeth argument holds.
Feb 10 2006David Hasslehoff in Australia
Here's an image from what is apparently an ad campaign in Australia. It looks like the Hoff is about to get raped by a giant Pepsi bottle. And he's decided to sing about it. I don't know what in god's name he's doing with the microphone stand, but the bottle sure seems to enjoy it. If that doesn't make you thirsty, nothing will.
Thanks to Andrew for the tip.
Feb 10 2006Bobby Brown has great kids
Bobby Brown's children are big fans of myspace. Unfortunately for Bobby, they're also big fans of getting wasted and writing about it. The myspace profile of Bobby's 16-year-old daughter, LaPrincia - whose mom is Brown's ex-girlfriend Kim Ward - lists her favorite alcoholic beverage as Smirnoff raspberry vodka, and answers questions such as: Would you ever be an exotic dancer? - "Ohh yess," LaPrincia answers. Have you ever danced like a whore? - "Yess all the time." She also confesses to streaking, kissing a girl and skinny-dipping. Fourteen-year-old Bobby Jr. - also Ward's child - boasts on myspace that "i can read but i choose not to." Twelve-year-old Bobbi Kristina, Bobby's daughter with Whitney, used the screen name "nimpho babby," and wrote: "i love swimmin with hot guys lol (memories), i love makingout, i love cheerleading, i love driving, and last but not least i love BOYS, BOYS, BOYS!!!!!!!!"
Yikes. If you're Bobby Brown, and you discover that your twelve-year-old daughter uses "nimpho babby" as a screen name, likes driving and tongue-wrestling hot guys, you tell her that a) she shouldn't be driving - unless daddy's drunk, b) "nympho" is spelled with a "y", c) she better flush the toilet before mommy drowns. Those are apparently the only options. At this point Bobby would lose a father-of-the-year award to Chronos.
Feb 9 2006Britney Spears sort of owns up
Britney Spears has finally taken a little bit of responsibility for driving with her infant baby on her lap, although she's still putting the majority of the blame on the paparazzi. She tells Access Hollywood:
"I made a mistake and so it is what it is, I guess. Being put in the situation that I was in, it was kind of bad with the paparazzi. Last week, my mom and I went out and they were on us really bad, so you instinctively do what you need to do."
Usually when the paparazzi come after me I instinctively do what has to be done too. Although it's more along the lines of climbing on top of a car with my hands on my waist yelling, "Bow down to your king!" But sometimes I grab babies and put them on my lap as I drive. That's totally up there on my list of things to instincitvely do.
Feb 9 2006Dannii Minogue gets kinky with stripper
Kylie Minogue's sister, Dannii Minogue, was caught at the London club Puss In Boots with a naked lapdancer. There's a CCTV security video of the entire event, and it features Dannii breaking the 'no touch' policy and getting totally lesbian with her.
Another astonished punter told us: "Dannii was having the time of her life and didn't care who saw. She wasn't in a private booth or the VIP area, she was on the dance floor.
"I can't believe how far they went. It was more like a porn film. There were hands and tongues everywhere-I thought it was going to turn into a full-on orgy."
The gob-smacking video footage obtained by the News of the World clearly shows 34-year-old Dannii: RELISHING simulated sex romps with dancer Jupiter, SNOGGING with her passionately, THRUSTING her face into her boobs and FONDLING the performer's curves.
I don't know about you, but my draw dropped to the floor when I read this. My jaw literally unhinged and my tongue rolled out onto the floor. Like in a cartoon.
Feb 9 2006Britney Spears Grammy afterparty nip slip?
Today's topic of debate is whether Britney Spears slipped her nipple during a Grammy after party or not. The evidence is obscure and unexciting, but I'm sure none of that matters to you creepy perverts out there. I've seen the way you stare at your fruit bowl, you sick bastard. Drooling over those damn delicious melons. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the kitchen not molesting grapefruits.
One more after the jump.
Continue Reading "Britney Spears Grammy afterparty nip slip?"
Feb 9 2006Teri Hatcher looks great
So I'm going over the coverage of the Grammy's, and see several articles declaring how hot and terrific Teri Hatcher looked. I'm thinking to myself "Hey, these might be some great, sexy photos for the site." So I find some high-res photos...and stop, slightly puzzled. I zoom in. I zoom in a little more. And then some more. Then I screamed, wet my pants, and cried like a little girl. The only way she looks hot is if you're the Joker. Or some sort of raccoon. Maybe I should be focusing more on the very lovely dress she was wearing but hell, Dracula might look great in a bikini but I'm still not gonna let him butter my neck.
Feb 9 2006Lindsay Lohan Falls for Ryan Adams?
Lindsay Lohan may have found a new man in the shape of rocker Ryan Adams. Lohan, who was recently romantically linked to her Chapter 27 co-star Jared Leto, has been quietly dating Adams for a month, according to In Touch magazine. A friend tells the publication, "She's spending all her free time with him. She has been staying at his Greenwich Village apartment almost every night. She thinks musicians are sexy and she's a fan of his music."
This one girl I know has been telling me over and over how sexy Ryan Adams is and how much she wants to bone him and lick his balls and stuff, and I'm like "Christ Grandma, you're eighty-six years old. Put your goddam pants back on." But aparently she and Lindsay have a lot in common, particularly if Lindsay also likes to throw poop at the cat. In any case, Lindsay's really been getting around lately. If sex were food, she'd be doing Jenny Craig commercials. But sex is not food. I better make that clear before she starts humping the refrigerator.
Feb 9 2006Pink calls out Britney Spears
Britney Spears is being criticized by rival pop star Pink. A friend of Pink's says “She’s always been disgusted by the Mickey Mousers’ values and just doesn’t understand [Britney’s] decision to rush off and have a child so quickly.” On her Web site she blasts the “mindless epidemic of unhealthy girls out there promoting consumerism and escapism.” And when recently asked about having a baby, Pink shot back, “[Bleep] no. I’m not gonna do a Britney and pop out some kids. I’m not a Happy Meal. My husband’s got the burger, but he’s not getting the fries and shake to go with it.”
Look, I'm not going to pretend I understand half of what she said there. I'm tempted to think that the reason she doesn't want to get pregnant has less to do with her being a Happy Meal and more to do with her being a man. I wonder if, when her husband was getting to third base for the first time, he had a little moment of doubt, if he was thinking something along the lines of "please no balls please no balls please no balls." Or if Pink was thinking the same thing.
Feb 9 2006Jessica Simpson has hot friends
I can't decide whether to stare at Jessica Simpson's bra in the see-through dress or the monstrosity of a woman behind her. Either way, there's too many distracting things going on for me to get any actual work done. I think I'll just lean back in my chair and examine this until I starve to death. Or until something more amusing comes along, like a puppy wearing a funny hat.
One more after the jump.
Feb 8 2006Katie Couric gets pooed on
During Katie Couric's Olympic coverage in Italy for The Today Show, some birds decided to stop by and take a crap on her. It looks like the birds were part of some planned event to show how great Couric is with animals, but I don't think anybody meant for them to get excited and take a dump on her. Or maybe NBC finally got my letters and decided to give America what it demands: things pooing on Katie Couric.
UPDATE: There's finally video of the event and it looks like she didn't actually get crapped on. Oh, the humanity.
Feb 8 2006Paris Hilton is restrained
A court commissioner issued a restraining order Tuesday against Paris Hilton, ordering her to stay away from event producer Brian Quintana, who claimed she threatened and harassed him. Quintana testified that Hilton shoved him on at least three occasions and badmouthed him. Quintana said his relationship with Hilton soured after she interrupted a conversation in which Quintana was urging Hilton's boyfriend Stavros Niarchos to reconsider dating her.
Hilton spokesman Elliot Mintz said that she was happy to keep distance between herself and Quintana. "If this results in Mr. Quintana having to have a distance between himself and Paris Hilton, she's delighted," Mintz said. "She doesn't wish to have anything to do with this man."
Look, I don't particularly want to do another story on Paris Hilton. It's not the high point of my day. But this bitch won't stay out of the news. You could sit her in a room with a can of beans and the next day it'd be "Paris has sex with beans" or "Paris talks to beans - beans won't answer" or "Paris eats beans, almost dies - discovers can is 'not edible'." So congrats to this Quintana guy on being the first man to keep Paris away without wearing some sort of chastity belt. Or being a priest. Or dressing as an octopus. Though that's not a sure thing.
Feb 8 2006Tom Cruise puts Katie Holmes in her place
The buzz is that Tom Cruise wants Katie Holmes to focus on being a wife and a mother — not on her career. He also reportedly wants her to avoid the spotlight for a while. “I’ve got Katie tucked away, so no one will get to us until my child is born — and until I want them to,” Cruise recently told a friend according to Life & Style Weekly. According to the mag, the friend claims Cruise doesn’t want a repeat of his marriage to Nicole Kidman.
“I said [Katie's] life from now on was going to be about being a mother,” Cruise allegedly said. “I’m not giving her the chance to turn into another Nicole.”
Cruise’s rep denies the story. Katie's rep, who Tom jovially calls "The Mighty Walrus of Lies," tried to make a statement, but was promptly chained in the basement and beaten by a pack of horny baboons. Yet I like the way Tom says "until my child is born." Not "our" child. If I were Katie I'd be a little worried about my future. Probably keep my ears open for words like "death" or "sacrifice" or "fed to the pigs." I'm not calling Tom Cruise a murderer, I'm calling Katie Holmes an idiot. If she was gonna get murdered, she'd be the last to know ("Hey, Tom, I saw this note here written in blood...yeah, it says you're gonna murder me with, like, an axe, and I was just wondering - hey! there's the axe - be careful you almost hit me with - hey! watch it, you gotta be more caref - hey! ow! Well ok Mr. Grumpy, I'll just come back when - ow!")
Feb 8 2006Tom Brady & Bridget Moynahan split up?
In light of the recent superbowl, it's only fitting to tackle a football related story, although this one might be of more interest to the ladies than the gents (Well, maybe not all the gents. You know who you are). It appears as though former Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady has called it off with his love of two years, Bridget Moynahan. Sources say that Brady was in Detroit over the weekend and "acting very single - going out to the parties and hitting on a lot of women."
Now, what they don't say is who these women were, or where these parties were, or whether there's any sort of actual evidence that any of this happened. And you know what that means - it's totally true. But Tom Brady was way too young to settle down anyway. If you're in your twenties, have won three superbowls, and look like a male model, they should be peeling girls off the side of your house. Now the only superbowl I've won is the superbowl of interpretive dance, but even that got me all kinds of girls. At least, I think they were girls. Now that I think about it, they did have suspiciously deep voices. And beards. And penises. But I figured, you know, "steroids".
Feb 8 2006Paris Hilton and Val Kilmer make out
I don't know how old these pictures are, but I'm sure this is one of those days that Val Kilmer wishes he could erase. I mean getting photographed trying to desperately tongue kiss Paris Hilton? He might as well have been taped masturbating to a Powerpuff Girls cartoon. At least it would've been less embarrassing.
EDIT: Sorry guys, had to take down the photos. If you missed it, your eyes should be thanking you.
Feb 8 2006Kelly Clarkson breaks up
Kelly Clarkson and her boyfriend of six-months, rocker Graham Colton, have broken up due to their busy schedules. The Grammy nominated Clarkson told Bravo magazine:
He will always be one of my best friends. I'm not sad, really, because our relationship made me believe in love again. Maybe one day we'll get back together – if we don't have to work so much anymore.
I hope that day doesn't come, because a world without Kelly Clarkson working isn't a world I want to live in. Really, though, I'm kind of glad she's breaking up. I've been waiting for her to finally sing a song about a breakup.
Feb 8 2006Denise Richards is scared of AIDS
Charlie Sheen's hookering around has finally scared Denise Richards into visiting a medical facility for some testing:
A terrified Denise Richards has secretly taken an AIDS test because she's convinced that her soon-to-be-ex-husband Charlie had been cheating on her with hookers throughout their attempted reconciliation.
What's shocking to me isn't her concern for having AIDS, but her apparent lack of concern for all the other diseases she probably has. I doubt there are streets that have seen as many hookers as Charlie Sheen. He's likely the largest collection of venereal diseases in the country. He's the Ellis Island of STD's, his penis standing at the gates, proudly welcoming one and all. At its base is the small inscription: Give me your syphilis, your gonorrhea, your huddled masses of small, itchy bumps. The wretched refuse of whatever that is on your inner thigh. As long as I'm paying for it, I'll take all I can get. And you'd wonder how he could fit it all, but damn that man has a wide crotch.
Feb 8 2006Glenn Close gets married
Glenn Close is looking to give marriage a third try with biotechnology entrepreneur David Shaw:
The 58-year-old 'Fatal Attraction' star married her beau David Shaw in a small, private ceremony in Maine last Friday. Shaw is a biotechnology entrepreneur heading a company that makes medical devices and diagnostic tools for veterinarians.
I don't want to criticize a blessed union, but I hate to see someone settle like this guy has. Look, Dave, if you want to marry an old, bleached skull, you go out to the desert like everybody else and get one.
Feb 7 2006Britney Spears defends idiocy
Britney Spears has come out to defend the photos of her driving with her baby in her lap, saying in a statement:
"I was terrified that this time the physically aggressive paparazzi would put both me and my baby in danger. I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm's way, but the paparazzi continued to stalk us. I love my child and would do anything to protect him."
I'm sure there's some sort of logic in this statement, I just can't figure it out. Only Britney Spears could think that her rolls of thigh fat would be safer than the protective seat especially designed to keep babies alive. I guess that's what goes through your mind when you have the mental capacity of a cucumber.
Feb 7 2006Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley pose nude in Vanity Fair
In typical Vanity Fair fashion, tomorrow's issue will feature Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley posing nude, but with all the fun parts covered up. Sure they're technically naked, but that's like saying Paris Hilton is technically dressed. If you're wearing clothes but everybody can see your breasts and coochie hanging out, it doesn't count.
Feb 7 2006Britney Spears is a great mom
I'm not sure what Britney Spears is doing with her baby in her lap while she's driving. I assume she's planning to eat him. Or maybe she's letting him drive. Which is cute and all, at least until the accident where Britney and the steering wheel combine to turn him into a pancake. If brains were french fries, Britney couldn't fill a Happy Meal.
EDIT: Image removed.
Feb 7 2006Mischa Barton and Cisco Adler live the dream
Here's a fun little story about young love, and drugs, and public humiliation, and then probably more drugs. Whitestarr rocker Cisco Adler and his bandmates cruised around Los Angeles the other day in a flatbed truck, playing tunes to promote condo sales at the Hard Rock in San Diego. When Adler's girlfriend Mischa Barton pulled up behind them in her car, he serenaded her as the band members puffed on "funny-smelling" cigarettes.
Ahh yes, the great Condo Sales Tour '06. Almost as good as Songs from a Dumpster. The only way this could be worse is if the band was dressed as ballerinas. And called themselves the Penis Band. And I'm not even sure if that's worse. But hey, quite a catch there Mischa. Good for you.
Feb 7 2006Kate Moss helps Colin Farrell stay sober
Kate Moss has been helping Colin Farrell stay clean. And not, as you might have guessed, by keeping him too busy with sex. Well, maybe not. Farrell was in Miami on a two day break from rehab for a reported addiction to painkillers, where he met up with Moss.
An onlooker told Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "Kate and Colin started chatting around the pool at the Raleigh Hotel and she asked him how he was coping. He said he was getting there. It's early days for him but Kate's shown him the way and that's got to be a help."
Having Kate Moss teach you about sobriety is like having Janet Jackson teach you about dieting ("See, what you do is, you put the bacon inside the milkshake. Good, now stir it with a hot dog"). If I was Colin I'd listen to her, but then I'd drop subtle little hints that I might have drugs, just to see what she'd do. Like I'd lean back in my chair, stretch and say "yes, it is a nice day, Kate. A nice day for crack." After a few minutes of this, it's simply a matter of sprinkling some sugar on the nearest dog and busting out the camcorder.
Feb 6 2006Nikki Cox and Jay Mohr are engaged
Nikki Cox's publicist has announced that she and Jay Mohr are engaged and plan to marry next winter. For those of you unfamiliar, Nikki Cox is the super hot lady that somehow got duped into marrying Bobcat Goldthwait. I don't know how it happened, but I suspect either Bobcat stole my signature move of drugging the woman or he's got an amazing personality. Either way, my lawyers tell me I really have to stop telling people that I drug women.
UPDATE: A commenter has pointed out that Mohr-Cox would indeed be the best last name ever.
Feb 6 2006Basic Instinct 2 Uncensored Promo Reel
In case there was any doubt in your mind that Sharon Stone was actually going to appear nude in Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction, an uncensored promo reel has been leaked and it contains a number of graphic scenes featuring a very naked Sharon Stone. I'm not entirely sure why this promo reel even exists or who the producers were handing it out to though. Apparently they're trying to get the word out that Basic Instinct 2 is going to be a softcore porno.
Very NSFW video clip after the jump.
Feb 6 2006Paris Hilton nipple slip at UFC
During Saturday's pay-per-view UFC event, the camera panned over Paris Hilton and - wait for it, wait for it - her right breast popped out. I didn't catch it myself, but the super manly Harry sent in a blurry photo of a TV screen to prove it. Gathering up all the evidence, I think it's safe to say that Paris Hilton is, in fact, a cartoon character. It's the only scientifc explanation for her life. That, or just an extreme case of 'being a super whore.'
Slightly NSFW image after the jump.
Feb 6 2006Lindsay Lohan loves 'J'
Lindsay Lohan was spotted at Olympus Fashion Week wearing a gold 'J' around her neck, either because she loves Jared Leto or loves jelly beans. I'm going with Jared Leto though, because I didn't find any traces of food when I inspected her poo. Now that I think about it, I didn't find any traces of poo either. It was more like a poo-shaped slab of cocaine glued together with laxatives. Go figure.
Feb 6 2006Paris Hilton doesn't pay her bills
So all that business about Paris Hilton's belongings getting stolen from a warehouse was a bit off. The items weren't stolen, but rather seized because Paris didn't pay the monthly payments on the storage unit. Everything inside ended up being sold for $2,775 to a celebrity porn broker named David Hans Schmidt and now he wants to auction everything off for $20 million.
Seeing Paris Hilton's life unfold is like watching a zany Hollywood comedy. First there's the scene where they show Paris having sex with some guy while the camera slowly zooms in on an unpaid bill that says 'Final notice' on it. Then as Paris is about to check her mail she gets sidetracked and ends up having sex in a playground. And then the movie goes from comedy to hardcore porno and you realize it's not a movie at all but you're actually watching Paris have sex in a playground.
Feb 6 2006Al Lewis (1910-2006)
Al Lewis, better known as Grandpa Munster, died Friday night at the age of 82.
UPDATE: Yeah, I don't know how 1910-2006 equals 82 either. My guess is that he was a sorceror.
