Hef should thank his lucky stars Paris has refused to pose for Playboy. That chick is too skanky for his mag. I haven't seen Penthouse since...forever, but don't they have chicks pissing on each other in there? I think that's more Paris. Maybe a lesbian pictorial with Paris and Nicole pissing on each other. Just typing that sentence almost made my penis fall off, but there is a world of sick bastards out there and I think they'd love it.

Today's fifth grade worksheet topic: Paris Hilton.

1. Is Paris Hilton animal, vegetable, or mineral? Discuss.

2. Does Paris Hilton have a central nervous system, or, if you chop her up into little pieces, does each piece wiggle around on its own?

3. Seen as a mathematical equation, Paris Hilton might be:

Paris Hilton = Pamela Anderson - Jayne Mansfield + Leona Helmsley

True or false.

Extra Credti: Explain in ten words or less why Paris Hilton's feet are so enormous if she spends all her time on her back.

Here's one more.

4. Who is more mature? Paris or Hef ? Discuss.

Posted by Binky on January 18, 2006 09:41 AM
Here's one more.
4. Who is more mature? Paris or Hef ? Discuss.

REPLY: At least Hef wasn't born with a limitless sense of entitlement. His parents didn't leave him a fortune. He made his money by figuring out that men would love a magazine where they get to drool over hot chicks on one page and cool stereos on the next page. I'm pretty sure that discovery is a bit more important than Isaac Newton fiddling around with some gravity voodoo.

Thank god.

Then again, you know she's holding out for richer offers from Swank.

Do any of these celebs look back at their past behaviour and think 'hummmm maybe that was a little trashy?'...and when they have kids and become all moral - how do they explain their choices to them? Paris is a loser! The ONLY thing she has going for her is the Hilton money - without this she is just trailer trash.

The problem is that Hef is offering money. She is already worth a bazillion dollars, so that's not a motivator. He needs to offer her something she doesn't have. Too bad you can't bottle "class".

Posted by Binky on January 18, 2006 09:41 AM

Here's one more.

4. Who is more mature? Paris or Hef ? Discuss.

Hef. Why? Because he sees mature hot naked female body in the flesh everyday unlike Paris who, when nekkid, only sees some sorta Peter Pan no ass body.
P.S. Hef doesn't use skank meat in his magazines.

(Answer to fifth-grade worksheet):
1. Paris Hilton is a mineral. Such a ho... she is passed around, bought, and traded like a mineral.

2. Paris Hilton must have a central nervous system in order to be alive, but it must be misfunctioning with some of the choices she makes.

3. True.

4. Paris would win in just this one instance, for turning down a job like that. Hef is more mature in general. He doesn't pretend to be "good" like she does, even when she's sleeping around. He doesn't hide it.

Extra Credit: Feet swell with pregnancy. Maybe she keeps getting knocked up, then aborting. (12 words, so a little too long. I apologize.)

she is s whore who walks around naked all the time. hef need not waste his money on that white trash.

Did TheSuperficial change writers? Something feels off.

Playboy doesn't put pictures of flatchested stick women in it. Maybe Hustler or Swank would put her in it just for the fame factor, but Playboy? Doubt it.

LOL

That is classic...

Larry nails it, and so has everyone else apparently (meaning Paris)...

Will she eventually end up in porno ?

Who really wants to see that willowy, 11 year-old girl body spread out over a chinchilla coat on the deck of a boat?

I thought the magazine pictured women who at least have the bodies of women. But I guess with circulation for the magazine being down it would help it appeal to a different segment of men.

Men, who drink beer out of bongs and haze freshman by making them stick a thumb in each other's ass and do the "elephant walk" around the quad at 3 AM. Oh, the pain of the memories . . .

I can understand her reluctance to soil her image by posing in Playboy. Really, after video of her giving her sleazy boyfriend a blowjob hit the internet, she widely became known as the Queen of Class. Or maybe the Queen of Felatio, because she really knows how to handle meat missile.

Meat missle. That's the best one I've heard in a while.

...OMG, I'm on the verge of nose-passing a fruitloop. Larry! You rock!!! Too funny;)
On a side note, I saw a pic of Paris when she was about 15...and she was a knock-out. That she has done what she has done to herself on the outside--and thinks its an improvement, is shocking. If I can find the link to that pic I'll post it. For real, you wouldn't believe the diff if I described it.

Why would Playboy even want her? Her naked body has already been seen everywhere, no curiosity value at all. I can not stand her!

Would it be the first ever gay boy pictorial featured in Playboy?

You know why she won't do it? She has no need for the money. I mean, she has 5 star hotels named after her.

I would have thought that Hef had better taste than that. Besides she has been pictured in Playboy side articles half naked already.
Nobody really wants to see a dead fish skeleton with no boobs anyway.

"Because I'm Paris Hilton"....does she know what that actually means to most of the world? This stupid broad has everything, unlimited money, fame, her health (minus a few STDs). She could literally do anything and go anywhere she wanted. And she chooses to be a common Hollywood skank. Why she's even in the news, much less being courted by Playboy is beyond me.

Of course she refused. Scared sh*tless, in fear of the play bunnies curb stomping her ass for being such a mutt in public.

people are still obsessed with her,hef wants to capitalize on that before its too late.

They could just do a zoom shot up into her Black Hole for Scientific American.

"Paris Hilton must have a central nervous system in order to be alive,"

I'm afraid I'm going to have to mark you down for that answer, young Nettles. Many of the life forms on earth today do not have central nervous systems, such as plants, microbes, jellyfish, and Nick Lachey.

Classy.
Good for you, Paris.

Does Paris really have all *that* much skill with the one-eyed pleasure serpent?

I've seen the video of her smoking the ol' pole (I admit it), and yes, whenever a woman does that to a man it's magnetic for other men to look at. She looks like an expert!

But she seems to be no more or less than your average salami swallower when it comes to actual technique.

cheekychops: so true, she has no ass! I think Hef is better off showing less famous girls with asses. But then, Pam Anderson doesn't have much of an ass either. Isn't a little more ass better than none?

Maybe she'd pose for Hustler, or maybe that's too much like Penthouse.

I thin i speak for all of us when I say thank you Pairs, from the bottom of my scrotum. Having allready seen you naked I can still only imagine the size of your Beef Curtians after so many delicious helpings of hollywood penis. I've siad it before and I will say it agian.

Did someone open a can of tuna?

Good...i'm glad she doesn't so it. Her face looks like it was hit with a basketball like 50 times. Plus I don't need to see her naked STD infested stick body.

Well class - no one has scored well on my test question. (I think u may be spending too much time on the net.)
Hints : The def. of "mature" : 'based on slow careful consideration; having completed natural growth and development; having undergone maturation.'
Cheat notes: Paris is 24. Hef is 79.
Extra points: Paris is viewed as 'skanky'. If Hef was a woman how would his career be viewed? Explain and discuss.

Just to clarify, Paris will be getting a paltry $30 million from the Hilton fortune. The person getting the billions? Julia Louise-Dreyfus. That's right, THAT Julia Louise-Dreyfus. She's in the family, and apparently she's the favorite neice.

I'm sure after a year Paris' inheritance will have dried up, and we'll be seeing her on the cover of Penthouse.

Skip the last question - I'm not marking any more long answer. Correct answer was A) Paris

Oops, Julia IS NOT related to Paris. My deepest apologies!!!

Here is the comparison of how much Paris will get, compared to Julia:

http://www.gorillamask.net/heiress.shtml

THANKS for the gorillamask website- I had no idea about Julia at all! Who knew she was worth 580mill? Wow. I learn so much vital info on Superficial ;)

What hefner should say is, and you won't just be naked, there's also going to be 5 guys gang banging you, with a monkey, and a turkey...then I think she'd say, oh, well, why not. she's done the naked thing, she has to go a step further each time. And i had no idea julia louis dreyfuss was so fuckin rich either!! that's insane...

Hugh Hefner propositions teenage women to pose in his rag, I suppose that's considered upstanding by most of you Yahoos.

Nevermind the misogynistic adjectives you'd like to attach to Paris Hilton, WE made her what she is, a mega-celebrity. We put celebrities on pedestals and then take delight in knocking them down.

yeah so what's the point on striping for million dollars to show her pussy when she had already done things like that?

http://www.thesuperficial.com/archives/2005/12/28/paris_hilton_has_an_itchy_crot.html

i don't get it.

Heff does not beg. Shes so full of herself.
Bimbos beg Heff to grace the pages of his mag.

Paris must not want to disgrace her family name by posing in Playboy, and certainly nothing she's done to date has done that.

And besides, she prefers to show her tasty bits by "accident". That's why she never wears underwear.

yeah, she doesn't want to cross that line! http://hollywoodsnark.com