Feb 3 2006Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow separate
Those attending the wedding of Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow may now return the tandem bike you bought them. The couple have released a statement that they are breaking-up after two years of dating and a four month engagement.
"After much thought and consideration we have made a very tough decision to split up. We both have a deep love and respect for each other and we ask that everyone respect our privacy during this very difficult time," the statement said.
Though the two make it sound like it was a joint decision, I imagine it had something to do with her engagement ring being a yellow strip of rubber.
Feb 3 2006I Watch Stuff! is good
If you're not reading I Watch Stuff! you really need to not be doing that. Read the first three posts and if you don't snicker at least once I'll shave my crotch and name it Fluffy. And believe you me, Fluffy is a lot less awesome than the name I was originally going to go with: Gigantor the Conqueror.
Feb 3 2006Pamela Anderson attends MAC Chinese New Year Party
Looks like Pamela Anderson got my memo on the proper way to celebrate Chinese New Years. She and Jordan should consider teaming up and starting a new line of really classy clothing for older women. They could target that really niche demographic who want to show off as much boob as possible and maybe be mistaken for whorish prostitutes.
Some more after the jump.
Continue Reading "Pamela Anderson attends MAC Chinese New Year Party"
Feb 3 2006Heather Locklear divorces Richie Sambora
Heather Locklear's publicist announced yesterday that she and Richie Sambora have filed for divorce after 11 years of marriage, saying, "This is a private matter and there will be no further comment at this time."
It wouldn't be a terrible idea if Heather Locklear and Jessica Simpson got together and started up a divorce support group. Not one of those 'sitting around in circles sharing their feelings' type of things, but more along the lines of lying in bed naked making out and giving each other oiled massages. And then to really get to the root of their emotional hurt they could call me in for some outside assistance. I'd show up at the door, see their naked bodies oiled up and making out, and then my penis would explode. And that's pretty much the end of the story because I'd probably be dead, laying at their doorsteps with a smile on my face and blood pouring out of my crotch.
Feb 3 2006Angelina Jolie almost slapped by crazy woman
Britain's Daily Star reports that an insane Jennifer Aniston fan dressed in a Friends T-shirt stormed into Berlin's Nola restaurant and tried to slap Angelina Jolie before being stopped by bodyguards, screaming, "Where is that home-wrecking Angelina?"
Angelina had taken her adopted kids Maddox and Zahara to Berlin. It's lucky she left them with a carer. The mentally unbalanced American had obviously been tipped off that they would be dining at Nola, because she was wearing an Aniston top and was on the look-out for Angelina. Angelina would normally have confronted the woman, but she was petrified because she's carrying her first child and won't risk any harm coming to it.
I love it when crazy people are allowed to roam free and make complete asses of themselves. She probably got the tip during her daily routine of writing letters to Jennifer Aniston and talking to the TV. And after she hung up the phone you know she pulled out her trustee "Team Aniston" hat, said a silent prayer to herself, and vowed to avenge the honor of her beloved Jennifer, before dashing out the door on a mission ordained by God himself.
Feb 3 2006Lee Tamahori is a drag queen prostitute
Lee Tamahori, director of Die Another Day, was arrested on January 8 when he allegedly solicited sex with an undercover policeman while wearing women's clothes.
"Mr Tamahori was arrested for soliciting. I can confirm he was dressed in women's clothing at the time of the arrest," Los Angeles Police Department Officer Jason Lee told AFP. Entertainment website TMZ.com reported the director was free on a $US2000 bail.
There's really no logical explanation for this except that Tamahori is insane. If he wanted to engage in some wild drag queen sex, he could have just used his millions of dollars to get things rolling. You don't see Steven Spielberg walking up and down the streets of Vegas looking for a dominatrix midget to spank him to pleasureville. He could if he wanted, but he has the good sense to pay people to do that sort of thing for him.
Feb 3 2006Mariah Carey in Barbados
If photographers were donuts, Mariah Carey would be the happiest woman alive. Here are even more photos of her, this time wearing the unhappiest bikini in Barbados. I don't know what she's doing on the boat, unless she's there to scare off pirates. She may be setting course for Cheeseburger Island.
Feb 3 2006Nicole Richie says she's healthy
Nicole Richie has blasted rumours she is suffering an eating disorder, claiming she is naturally skinny and her shortness makes her look even thinner. She says, "I'm a little sick of it. I think when you see me in person, you see that I'm, like, five foot one - I'm a small person. When I was heavier, everyone said I was too heavy. You can't win in the public eye and I find it really hard. The only time it bothered me was when I was in a store trying on shoes and these girls came up to me - they were probably like 13 or 14 - and their mother came over, and she was like, 'Are you taking care of yourself, because my girls think that you're not.' That was upsetting. I was never a size 12. I'm so little that I could put on 10 or 15 pounds and it just looks like a lot."
The only way 15 pounds would look like a lot on Nicole is if she gained it all on her forehead. Then scientists would claim she's the missing link and take her away for experimentation. She'd try to stop them but fail because she'd be too weak with hunger to lift her giant head off the ground. The scientists would interpret her feeble grunts as a primitive form of communication, and stick her in a cage with a really smart monkey. She may or may not fall in love with the monkey; he'd feed her bananas; they'd laugh and fling poo at each other.
Feb 3 2006Paris Hilton violated yet again
Paris Hilton recently had her entire house packed up and sent to storage while she moved into a new place. But thieves somehow broke in and made off with mounds of Hilton memorabilia. According to Paris's representative, "basic household items, two or three computers, tons and tons of clothing, and hundreds and hundreds of photos and videotapes and journals" were stolen. While none of the videotapes were like her infamous sex tape (supposedly), the rep could not say for sure if the tapes contained any nakedness and/or lesbian action like the one she made with former pal Nicole Lenz. He did say, however, that "the thing that upset her the most were her journals and her diaries - that is the most personal of the materials."
I bet that diary is some interesting reading. "Monday: woke up in a strange place. Coudn't find my clothes. Tuesday: clothes gone again. Strange tingly sensations. Smells like peanut butter. Hey! where did that gerbil come from? Wednesday: Dark in here. Cold. I may be in the refrigerator. Thursday: Note to self - next time you get naked, make sure there are no children around. Stupid grade schools."
Feb 2 2006Britney Spears is pregnant again
In her continuing efforts to be made fun of, Britney Spears is reportedly pregnant with her second child.
Shoppers in Malibu were stunned when the former pop princess grabbed her belly and announced to the entire centre "That's right, number two!". The star was apparently distressed that so many people were looking at her in the high-end furniture store Shabby Chic that she felt the need to retaliate. One of Britney's closest friends told In Touch magazine: "Britney is definitely pregnant again. She's acting the same way she did when she was pregnant with her first child."
You know that kid in your fourth grade class that used to eat glue and lick the floor? That's this kid. It's some sort of cruel joke that the mentally handicapped are the ones that have the most babies. Albert Einstein didn't have a single child, and yet Britney Spears and Kevin Federline aren't going to be happy until they've got 12-13 little buggers running around eating dirt, occasionally pausing to turn on mommy's stories and fetch her Cheetos.
Feb 2 2006Katie Holmes is the queen of fashion
Katie Holmes got some coffee yesterday sporting what can only be described as a fishnet leotard tucked into her crotch. I can't imagine why, but I can only assume Tom Cruise is up to his wild and crazy antics again. Maybe stretching weird fabric through his fiance's vagina is his way of pleasing the galactic ruler Xenu, because I hear galactic rulers are really into that sort of thing.
One more after the jump.
Feb 2 2006Jessica Simpson is inspiring
Jessica Simpson has penned a rambling, stream-of-consciousness, punctuation-free letter to her fans. It may make you kinda dizzy:
"I just wanted to let ya'll know that with everything we go through in life, the good, the bad, the ugly, the sad, the right, the wrong, the-think-we-don't-belong, we all have to allow our hearts to remain open to create who we are," Simpson says. "Find that for yourself no matter what. Take the advice from the wisdom of those we love." Simpson then goes on to quote from Corinthians 15:33, saying, "Remember that bad company corrupts good character." Nor does she stop there. " ... Breathe to allow yourself the freedom to just be. Getting to know yourself is so important. Spend time alone with your thoughts for this creates a world of true serenity. Do not be afraid. Inner beauty, outward charm -- greet everyone we meet with a smile (unless it is paparazzi -- haha), a smile is contagious." She concludes this love manifesto with the following: "I love you guys so much and appreciate the support through all the unfortunate pain of loss. What doesn't kill us makes stronger. Carry on. Soar. Glide. Fly. This is a wonderful life."
I don't even know where to start. It's like she got lost in a Hallmark shop. This is something an eleven-year-old girl writes after a 7th Heaven marathon. And the sick thing is that undoubtedly after Jessica completed this, she silently nodded to herself, with tears in her eyes, and whispered "Yes. This is my best work yet." And then her sister tells her "Jess, sweetie, you were typing on the piano."
Thanks to Angie for the tip.
Feb 2 2006Ashton Kutcher is a Kabbalah nut
Ashton Kutcher was left fuming after movie bosses ordered him to take off his Kabbalah bracelet while shooting new film The Guardian. Kutcher was forced to remove the religious trinket, a red string band, against his wishes. At first, Ashton admits he was livid about the decision but did remove the bracelet after being told it would have to be digitally removed after filming finished. He is quoted by Star magazine as saying: "I wasn't happy at first but to remove it digitally is beyond silly."
Yes, removing it digitally is silly. But not wearing it in the first place. That's totally normal. But hey, that ok, lots of people dress in clothes that supposedly have magical powers. These people are called children. They're dressed as Spiderman. They also crap their pants, and cry when you tell them their parents were eaten by the toilet.
Feb 2 2006Stephanie Tanner is a meth addict
It has recently come to light that Stephanie Tanner Jodie Sweetin was a meth addict. Two years ago she was unemployed and bored and began by experimenting. Soon, she was using meth everyday. At some point a three-day bender ensued, as well as an intervention staged by her Full House castmates -- including Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, John Stamos and Bob Saget. Sweetin said she checked herself in to the Promises drug rehab facility for six weeks of intense treatment. She's been clean and sober since March of last year and now wants to get back into acting.
"I want to make movies, TV series, wherever the career takes me," she said. "I really hope this isn't the last people hear of me. In fact, I would like to make this a footnote in my career, not the end."
I would've loved to have been at that intervention. That's what tv reunion shows should be like; the meth-addicted daughter, the anorexic twins. The befuddled yet slightly aroused father, trying to talk everyone down and see if anyone will get naked. Really, the only thing missing from Stephanie's wayward story is a dip into low-budget pornography, something like Full House of Lesbians. Seems a shame to waste a custom-built porn name like Sweetin. But there's still plenty of time.
Feb 2 2006Nick Lachey Creates Pedophile-Free Internet
Cyber-pioneer Nick Lachey has co-founded a website in response to a woman approaching him at a restaurant and telling him that his name was frequently used by predators to lure kids online. His new site, YFly, is meant to be a safe place for teens to chat and network, and where Nick can pick up a new girlfriend.
I'm still not entirely sure why a predator would use Nick Lachey's name to lure children, unless they're looking for kids interested in finding a painful, public divorce. Whatever works, I guess.
Feb 2 2006Mandy Moore And Zach Braff To Wed
Mandy Moore and Zach Braff are supposedly set to marry next April, after the Scrubs star discreetly asked the 21-year-old singer/actress last month:
The couple are staying tight lipped about their plans, but Braff, 30, popped the question and presented Moore - his girlfriend for the past 18 months - with a $450,000, 4-carat princess-cut diamond-and-platinum NEIL LANE engagement ring.
Way to go, Zach. If there's one thing The Graduate taught us, it's that when you're an awkward-looking Jewish dweeb dating a young, beautiful girl, you've got to lock it down quick. Also, try to sleep with her mom while you're at it.
Feb 2 2006Brad Pitt Wants To Be Gay
After the enormous popularity of Brokeback Mountain, Brad Pitt is desperate for a chance to play gay. A source told The Sun:
Brad knows it would be seen as shocking to take on a gay role because he's seen as such a heart-throb. But he has never shied away from taking on controversial films, and he has often chosen to do smaller, more challenging movies.
This is insulting to straight men everywhere, who are forced to see him with Angelina Jolie on a regular basis. Pitt asking to play a gay man is like Donald Trump auditioning for Tiny Tim in A Christmas Carol.
Feb 1 2006Natalie Portman is tiny
I've never understood why so many people find Natalie Portman so attractive. She looks like an eight-year-old boy, which means these people are pedophiles. "Well," they'll say, "Natalie's not that sexy. She's no Dakota Fanning, that's for sure. That bitch is hot." Natalie's not a girl you have sex with; she's a girl you sit in front of the tv with a stack of Powerpuff Girls DVDs and hope she doesn't cry at the scary parts.
Thanks to Gracie for the tip.
Feb 1 2006Nicky Hilton doesn't like Mischa Barton
Nicky Hilton is Paris Hilton's less-talented sister. Let that settle in your brain for a moment. Being less talented than Paris Hilton is like being less hilarious than Schindler's List. You think she'd be happy just to be alive, but no. When she and Mischa Barton arrived separately for manager Benny Medina's 48th-birthday party at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Saturday night, Nicky spat out, "What is that fat pig doing here?" She then went to the other side of the room where she glared at Rick Salomon, who made the infamous porn tape with her sister Paris. Other guests at the party happily partied 'til the wee hours.
Nicky went on to call Shaquille O'Neal a midget and mocked Stephen Hawking for dancing poorly. Fortunately I know very little about Nicky Hilton, but she seems like the kind of girl who in school would accidentally glue her hands to her face and then try to blame it on the hamsters. But as for Mischa, if the worst thing that can be said about her is that she's fat, then she must be some sort of saint. Saint Fatass.
Feb 1 2006Hayden Christensen meets Sienna Miller's family
Rumors have been going around about Sienna Miller and Hayden Christensen, and now comes a report that Sienna is so excited about the budding romance that she's flying her family to the US to meet him. The two have become increasingly close since they met on the set of upcoming film Factory Girl.
A source is quoted in Britain's Daily Star as saying: "Sienna has had strong feelings for Hayden ever since they met on the set of the movie. But she tried to fight against them because it was too soon after her split from Jude. She finally stopped fighting her feelings for him and they have been inseparable ever since. But she doesn't want to get too serious until she has won her family's approval."
If Sienna flew her family around to meet every guy she's hooked up with recently, they'd have enough frequent flyer miles to reach Pluto. As for Hayden, I'm just happy he's alive, since most people in his position would've killed themselves after the recent Star Wars movies. But maybe Sienna liked his impersonation of Darth Naked.
Feb 1 2006Jordan Shows Boobs, Hides Boobs
What intrigues me so much with Jordan is that she's such a duality. First, I think she's a bit trashy, since her top is so small and tight that her nipples get squished out the top. But then she shows a touch of class, man-handling her giant breasts until they're forced back in. What is your true spirit, vixen? Jordan, you bewilder me.
Full NSFW images after the jump.
Feb 1 2006Carmen Electra Wants Some Moss
In an interview with Loaded, Carmen Electra has admitted to having a bit of a crush on Kate Moss:
I fancy Kate Moss. She has the best style. People need to give her a break. I’d love to meet her. You can’t deny her beauty and her sexuality.
I'd encourage Carmen to set up a meeting, because at this point Kate Moss has done enough cocaine that just her presence in a room creates such pleasures as: hallucinations, a feeling of general euphoria, and a dangerously high heart rate. You can't lose! Although I find it hard to believe these two haven't already bumped into each other at the Paris Hilton's weekly Table Dancing Slut meetings.
Feb 1 2006Daniel Craig Is A Naked Drunk
The new James Bond, Daniel Craig, has sworn off drinking with directors, since revealing that his nude scene in Some Voices was spawned from a round of heavy drinking with director Simon Cellan Jones:
The scene was written as me running down the road stripped to the waist covered in tomato juice. But then I got drunk at Simon's and said, 'I'll do it naked!'
These boozin' celebrities need to learn some restraint. When I go out drinking, I always make sure to stop at running down the road, stripped to the waist, covered in tomato juice. Anything beyond that is just gratuitous. If this kind of thing happened every time Tara Reid got drunk, she would be naked in films almost as much as she's naked in public.
Jan 31 2006Tyra Banks has hairy armpits
If you're going to be a super gorgeous supermodel or an insane TV talk show host that likes to say "fierce" a lot, at least have the sense to properly shave your armpits. I understand when women occasionally forget, but there's no excuse when you're planning on making a public appearance. You don't see Tom Hanks walking down the red carpet wearing his pajamas, and you shouldn't see Tyra Banks at a party sprouting body hair. It's unnatural, like a unicorn with a huge wart on its ass.
Jan 31 2006Lindsay Lohan loses her diary
Lindsay Lohan reportedly lost her diary recently after a night out drinking. And although she recovered it later, a few pages containing info about her love life and family appear to be missing. Now her reps have sent out letters to a bunch of magazines warning that legal action will be taken if any information from the missing pages is published.
Unfortunate, because I'm sure we were all wetting ourselves with anticipation to read entries like: "Dear Diary, today I made out with Fez! LOL OMG!!! And then I threw up in the toilet! LOL!!! Eating is for loser fatties!"
Jan 31 2006The Superficial Quickies
• Nick Lachey has been spotted with Elizabeth Ann Arnold who was Miss Kentucky USA 2002. Isn't it fun when two people who used to think they were famous hook up? [Star]
• Lisa Kudrow is appalled by the media's treatment of Jennifer Aniston, and even more appalled that nobody cares about Lisa Kudrow. [Entertainment Wise]
• German media is pissed at Heidi Klum's new reality show, Germany's Next Top Model, because they say it promotes anorexia. I mean a modeling show that promotes anorexia? Shocking. Shocking! [Breitbart]
• Gwyneth Paltrow says, "It's sort of funny how you have to be doing coke off the ass of some stripper to be perceived as not boring these days." Jealous, Gwyneth? [Handbag]
Jan 31 2006Britney Spears and Kevin Federline clean up
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline cleaned themselves up and made an appearance at the SAG awards over the weekend. I don't think I've ever seen Kevin without a goatee, so this was probably a pretty big moment for him. Like the debut of his chin and upper lip skin or something. It's sad though, because as hard as they try, they just look like a bunch of hillbillies who got all dressed up to attend the fancy party. It doesn't matter how many times he shaves or how hard he tries to dress up, Kevin Federline will always be 'that douche in the nice suit.'
Jan 31 2006Kate Moss faces London police
Kate Moss has finally returned to London and was interviewed by detectives over her "alleged" drug use. Notice how I put 'alleged' in quotes? That's because it's not alleged at all, but in fact 100% positive.
The Metropolitan Police doesn't identify suspects being interviewed by name, but said a 32-year-old woman "has voluntarily attended a London police office in relation to a Met investigation into allegations of possible drug abuse, as reported in newspaper reports."
Stuart Higgins, a spokesman for Moss, has said that she had agreed to be interviewed by police. Police said she had not been arrested.
It's probably not my place to make fun of the London police force, but when it takes over half a year to question a suspect you might have a problem with the system. They've got photos, a video, and even Kate's own admission, and yet they still haven't even made an arrest. Maybe they're waiting for some more evidence, because there's always that off chance that Kate will physically buy cocaine in the police station and snort it in the interrogation room. And then maybe go on a supermodel killing spree and take out some officers. Yeah, they're probably just waiting for that.
Jan 31 2006Lisa Loeb in a thong
Some of you may be too young to remember Lisa Loeb. She was famous for something back in the early nineties. I don't remember what; I think it had something to do with a dancing giraffe. But I do remember really wanting to see her as naked as possible. Well, ten or so years later, my prayers have been answered, sorta. And she doesn't look bad. If she was as entertaining singing as she is running around in a thong, maybe I'd buy more of her music. Particularly if she sang naked. And in my bedroom. And used my wang as a microphone.
UPDATE: And now there's video.
Jan 31 2006Mariah Carey is hot
Here's Mariah Carey on a tv show in Germany, doing her part to dispel the notion that all Americans are fat and arrogant and loud. I think she's doing this by using the cellulite in her legs to hypnotize the audience.
Jan 31 2006Halle Berry can't keep a man
Halle Berry's new man, Versace model Gabriel Aubry, is apparently so popular with the ladies that, according to the NY Post, "he makes [Berry's ex] Eric Benet look tame." Benet is a self-confessed sex addict. While Berry went to Angela Bassett's baby shower last weekend, Aubry was in Miami where he drove his vintage Camaro convertible and "chased young women" around the clock. A source said, "He wants to be famous, and he will use Halle to get there. He has a place on the beach and he pretty much chases whatever is around."
You know how some women keep doing the wrong thing over and over, whether it's overcooking the lobster or forgetting the safety word when you stick their head in the toilet? Well, Halle Berry has the same problem, only with picking men. They all tend to cheat on her. I'm not sure if she misunderstands what the term "open relationship" means, or whether she's so annoying that she drives them away. Or maybe it has something to do with her dating male models and sex addicts. But she really has no cause to be upset. It'd be like dating a schizophrenic and getting upset when he humps the cat.
Jan 30 2006Natasha Lyonne is a wanted woman
According to the New York Post, Natasha Lyonne has another warrant out for her arrest after she failed to appear at a court date last Friday.
Lyonne is facing a number of charges, including her alleged threat to sexually molest her former neighbor's dog during a 2004 altercation. She is also charged with criminal mischief, harassment and trespassing.
I can't say for sure, but I'm fairly certain that Natasha Lyonne is the first celebrity to ever face charges for threatening to sexually molest a dog. I'm all for zany antics, but you've got to be seriously messed up in the brain to come up with a threat like that. "Turn down your damn music or I'm going to start fondling your dog's penis!" If I was the neighbor I wouldn't be angry, I'd just be confused.
Jan 30 2006Janet Reno sings Respect
Former U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno probably doesn't qualify as a celebrity, but when you pull crazy shit like this it doesn't even matter. Over the weekend, she sang Aretha Frankin's "Respect" during the 10th anniversary celebration of the Human Service Coalition held at the Bank of America sky lobby in Miami. I'm not saying it's insane, but after watching it your brain may or may not melt.
Jan 30 2006Brooke Burke is the Burger Queen
I'm not sure what it means, but I think Brooke Burke is engaged to the Burger King dude or something. Now the two of them can rule over the Burger Kingdom and live happily ever after. Or some other wacky crap that involves Brooke Burke and a fast food mascot.
One more after the jump.
Jan 30 2006Brittany Murphy takes up singing
Since she's not doing so much acting anymore, Brittany Murphy is apparently set to release a music album.
Murphy warbles on the single "Faster Pussycat" on superstar deejay Paul Oakenfold's album due out in April, and friends say she wants to record her own disc next. Murphy - who left the ICM agency last month and also got engaged to production assistant Joe Macaluso - is now being repped by Endeavor for acting, and oddly enough, by her former fiancé, Jeff Kwatinetz, for music.
I've never heard her sing, but I can't imagine it would be any good considering the way she talks. That raspy hoarse voice might be useful when you want to convince people you've been smoking cigarettes every single day of your life, but maybe not so much for the singing. Unless the album is just a recording of her coughing and wheezing and doing impressions of people with lung cancer.
Jan 30 2006Kate Beckinsale has vampire sex
The video quality is terrible and you can't really make anything out, but I figure you'd still be interested in seeing Kate Beckinsale's sex scene from Underworld: Evolution. Just to be safe I'll mark this NSFW, though technically there's no actual dirty parts revealed. And just a little tip for all the foxy ladies out there: there's nothing sexier on a woman than that arch in the lower back. If you want to drive a man insane with lust, just arch your back as far as you can. And if your spine breaks in half, that just means you're doing it right.
Jan 30 2006Lindsay Lohan cuts her shin
Lindsay Lohan was hospitalized in London over the weekend after cutting her shin at Bryan Adams' mansion. A source tells The Star:
"Lindsay was going up the stairs, carrying a ceramic teacup. She had just come out of the shower, so she was still wet and had some lotion on, and she completely flipped on the stairs ... The teacup went flying, it was shattered and one of the pieces cut Lindsay on her shin."
I can't even remember the last time I visited a hospital, yet this clumsy clown is in there at least twice a week. Maybe I should spend less time being incredibly fit and healthy, and spend more time being a cocaine snorting bulimic with asthma. And what's up with Lindsay taking showers at Bryan Adams' mansion? Is that what teenage celebrities are doing these days?
Jan 30 2006Kirsten Dunst looks like a stripper
According to the always insane National Enquirer, Kirsten Dunst was mistaken for a stripper and offered $500 to let an old man squirt whip cream on her body and lick it off.
Kitten-ish KIRSTEN DUNST, standing outside Chateau Marmont Hotel on Sunset waiting for her limo, recoiled in disgust as a Dirty Old Man slinked up beside her and whispered creepily: "I'll give you $500 if you'll let me squirt whipped cream on your body and lick it off!" Kirsten shrieked, "GROSS!" She immediately turned and walked away, but the guy skittered along behind her, whining, "Wait. What's the matter? I come to watch you dance every weekend!" Kirsten whirled and asked the 50-ish horn-dog what he was talking about — and discovered he'd confused her with a pole-grinding stripper from the famed Body Shop just down the street. "Wrong girl, guy," snapped Kirsten, hopping in her limo and speeding off.
There's so much wrong with this story that it can't even be legal. Like a judge would read through it two or three times, throw up, and then declare, "This is not legal. It is too gross to be legal."
Jan 30 2006Jordan celebrates Chinese New Year
In case you're not Chinese and don't know, the proper way to celebrate Chinese New Year is by dressing up in see through clothes and acting as whorish as possible. Or at least that's what Jordan was doing at London's Chinese New Year party. Then again, that's also how she celebrates Tuesday. And Wednesday. And every other day of the year. She's classy!
Some more NSFW images of Jordan after the jump.
Jan 30 2006Britney Spears not completely senseless
Britney Spears allegedly flipped out after finding out Kevin Federline wanted to get their four-month old son's ears pierced, and sent a group of bodyguards to stop him from reaching the beauty salon where he wanted to do it. A source told The Star:
"Brit was like a woman possessed when she heard Kevin had run off with their pride and joy. So she jumped in her car with her minder and sent three more security guards to take a different route to the parlour to ensure they didn't miss Kevin. Britney reminded Kevin that Sean hasn't even had his tetanus jab yet, so it was too early for his ears to be done. And she complained that apart from looking like white trailer trash, Sean would be taken for a girl if he wore earrings."
If Kevin Federline is trying to convince us that he's a stupid douchebag, I'd say mission accomplished. I suspect that this is part of some weird marketing ploy for his singing career though. There was probably some meeting where the heads of the studio were like, "You know what would sell records? A stupid douchebag. Let's see if we can't make Kevin Federline the stupidest douchebag in the world. Genius. We're geniuses!"
Jan 30 2006Jessica Alba is liked by men
According to a poll by Ask Men, Jessica Alba is this year's number one choice among American men looking for "long-term relationship material," followed closely by Sienna Miller and Angelina Jolie. I don't know why they needed to ask 2.5 million people to determine that Jessica Alba is at the top of the list though. That's just a waste of time and effort. It's like taking a poll to find out what everybody's favorite brand of tissue is. Nobody ever answers Uncle Roberto's Brand Tissues. It's always Kleenex.
Jan 30 2006Naomi Campbell dates royalty
Naomi Campbell has hooked up with the Prince of Dubai, with the two of them vacationing in Sweden. They stayed at the Grand Hotel last week, which is the most expensive place in Stockholm. Additionally, the paparazzi over there almost caused them to run over some pedestrians. A source told Page Six:
On Wednesday night the two were snapped by paparazzi at the Plaza Club after "they had had a lot of drinks," said our spy. The Swedish snappers sound just as reckless as the loose-cannon lensmen racing around L.A. in SUVs. Our source reported, "One Swedish photographer forced Naomi's limousine to drive up on the sidewalk with his car, almost hitting two pedestrians."
It's always nice to read a story about Naomi Campbell that doesn't involve head butting people or running through walls. Though I predict by next week we'll hear about how Naomi Campbell head butted the Prince of Dubai and then ran through a wall. It's what she does.
