January 20, 2006
Kevin Federline doing what he does best
How many of us have found what we're best at? Kevin has. And now he does it for a living. He's turned going to the ATM machine and taking out other people's money into an art! There is no wasted motion, so fluid. It comes so easy to the guy, he's yawning! Game recognize game. I salute thee, Kevin Federline, I salute thee.
Credit Maria for the tip.
Jessica Simpson has something in common with you
Love of breasts. Spefically, hers. To me, her breasts are as lovable as an animated sidekick from a Disney movie. But, hey, I'll let her tell it. After all, she's known them much longer than I have. She recently told Heat magazine:
"I have amazing boobs. They’re just perfect. At school, my boobs were bigger than all my friends and I was afraid to show them. Now, I feel they make my outfits look better. They're like an accessory."
Accessory? Accessory to murder! My grandpa was watching The Dukes of Hazzard movie on DVD. When Jessica Simpson came on the screen he yelled, "I love boobies!" and then he died. I cried, but then I noticed Jessica Simpson's breasts on screen and forgot about the whole messy ordeal. Wait, what were we talking about again? Something about boobs?
Credit RT for the tip.
Nicole Richie flashes nipple on E!
If you look up the definition of 'irony' you'll probably find this video of Nicole Richie talking about not flashing the camera as she accidentally flashes the camera. Then again, my dictionary is a piece of crap. I tried looking up the definition of 'entrapment' and all I got was a picture of a koala riding a space ship. What the fuck is that, man?
The video is NSFW so I wouldn't click 'Play' unless you enjoy getting fired from work for looking at nipples.
Janet Jackson is very fit
It's probably not a good sign when people look at you and think you're preparing for a movie role by wearing a fat suit. It's also probably not a good sign when you're Janet Jackson and weigh over 500 lbs. Maybe if she was a car, but a human being? That's just crazy.
One more after the jump.
The Superficial Quickies
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting married in the next couple of weeks and might be expecting twins. Looks like I'll have to murder two babies for being more attractive than me instead of one. [Mirror]
• New images of Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct 2 have been released in a desperate attempt to prove to the world that her vagina hasn't completely turned to dust. [I Watch Stuff!]
• In a shocking turn of events, Pete Doherty pleaded guilty today to possession of heroin, crack cocaine, morphine and marijuana. Shocking! [AP]
Howard Stern is not "very gay"
Nope. But he did get a nose job and had fat sucked out of his face. Very gay? No. Very vain? Well...
American shock jock Howard Stern has admitted having a nose job and liposuction in the first of a series of on-air revelations designed to promote his new Satellite radio show.The 52-year-old star confessed yesterday to surgery to remove a bump from his nose, and fat-reduction procedures to shrink his double chin. But the funnyman has hidden his cosmetic surgery secret until now fearing people would think him "very gay."
I think it's very presumptuous to question someone's sexuality over them getting plastic surgey. If they own a pair of capri pants, yeah. If they bought every solo album by Cowboy from The Village People, ok maybe. If they are the co-star of "Booty Bandit 3," dress up in women's underwear, wear bright red lipstick and Lee press on nails, probably not. Because a lot of people do that.
Scarlett Johansson will do you
And anybody else for that matter. Just buy her a drink, be dressed like a pirate, and most importantly, don't be Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. Beause that's the one person she won't do.
Scarlett Johansson says she doesn’t believe in monogamy — that people weren’t meant to be with just one person. But she also says she wouldn’t date her “Match Point” co-star Jonathan Rhys-Meyers — because he’s too much like a girl.“I don’t think human beings are monogamous creatures by nature,” she told reporters while promoting the flick. Still, Johansson says, she hasn’t given up on the idea of getting hitched one day. “When I decide I want to have children with somebody I think it would be nice to be married to that person,” Johansson says.
But don’t believe those rumors that she’s hooked up with co-star Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. Johansson says he’s like a girl — who likes gossip and shoes.
Poor Jonathan Rhys-Meyers didn't just accidently fall into the "friend" category, it sounds like Scarlett is trying to pull him out of the closet, kicking and screaming. You spend all this time trying to get famous, so you can do things to Lindsay Lohan that would get you on a sex offenders list, and who's out there trying to foil your plans? That doggone Scarlett Johansson. Damn you Scarlett Johansson! Accusing your co-stars of being cake eaters ain't what's happenin in the streets.
Kate Moss hooked on Jack Osbourne, drugs
Kate Moss was reportedly seen making out with Jack Osbourne earlier this week. The pair engaged in some heavy PDA at a post-Golden Globes soiree at L.A. hotspot Teddy's. "They were making out in front of everyone," says a spy. The New York Daily News says that fellow party-goers Jessica Simpson, Natalie Portman and Kate Hudson seemed positively "aghast" as Moss, 32, "bumped and ground her waiflike charms into" Osbourne who, after losing a lot of weight, has regained the power to see his feet.
Way to go Kate. Even if she tells people she wasn't on drugs, nobody's gonna believe her now. But whatever. The point is that she has terrible taste in men. You could stick her in a room with Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and the Kool-Aid Man, and five minutes later all you'd hear would be "Ohhhhhh Yeah!"
Thanks to Heather for the tip.
Drew Barrymore has crazy sex
Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti, who is dating Drew Barrymore, was asked by Jane magazine about the craziest place he'd had sex. Moretti said: "I had sex in the bathroom at the opera a little while ago, in New York. We went to 'La Boheme' and it was wicked boring. So we decided to go to the bathroom, and we got caught, and it was embarrassing. If we'd gone to the men's room, people would've heard it and said, 'Good on you, man.' But we were in the ladies' room, and when we heard an old woman start to tinkle, we couldn't help but crack up. I guess she told the security guy - he came in and was, like, 'Just go.' "
At one time the thought of Drew Barrymore having sex in a bathroom would have turned me on. Now it kinda creeps me out. The old woman probably called security because she saw Drew's knockers flopping around on the bathroom floor. Or maybe it was because Fabrizio kept saying "Yo Drew, you got some wicked big titties."
Meg Ryan adopts a Chinese baby
Meg Ryan, star of such movies as Crap and Crap 2: the Craptathlon, will adopt a Chinese baby later today, according to OK! magazine. The adoption is scheduled to take place at an American consulate in China. An insider tells the publication, "The consulate will formalize the adoption and grant Meg's new daughter a visa and a social security number. They will probably be flying back to the US immediately after the process is complete."
China is like the Wal-Mart of adoptions. You touch down at the airport in Beijing and they just start throwing babies and fortune cookies at you. But good for Meg. Now all she needs to do is name the baby Lo Pan and teach it to shoot fire from its eyes.
January 19, 2006
Brooke Burke and the Burger King dude
This has to be the weirdest marketing ploy from Burger King yet. The pictures have already been circulating the net, but this is the first time I've seen actual video. If they really want to start some buzz, they need to fake a sex video between the two. And by "fake" I mean make a real one. With very graphic nudity. Of Brooke, not the Burger King dude.
One more clip after the jump.
Angelina Jolie's kids get new names
A judge has granted a request by Angelina Jolie to change the names of her two adopted children to Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt and Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt, to reflect that Brad Pitt is to become their adopted father. Plus she felt that their names weren't already unwieldy enough, and needed those extra syllables to really pull the whole thing together. It's a shame she didn't have the guts to really go for it and throw on even more syllables though. Maybe work in the word "hippopotamus" somewhere.
Paris Hilton is a genius
TMZ has some great quotes from Paris Hilton's deposition over the Zeta Graff incident, and they include such gems as Paris saying, "It is like a weird Greek name. Like Douglas."
Graff's lawyer, Paul Berra, asked, "Were there U.K. publications?" Hilton responded: "No... there is stuff in London." Hilton's lawyer, Larry Stein, jumped in: "London is a U.K. publication." Her retort: "Right. U.K. Whatever."
Hilton swore she never saw a republication of the article: "I was in Europe the whole summer, and all there is is like French -- I didn't see anything because I wasn't in America."
Hilton testified on the night in question she did have a minor run-in with Graff, the former girlfriend of Hilton's then-boyfriend Paris Latsis. Hilton stated, "I just said to her... she is old and should stay at home with her child instead of being at nightclubs with young people. And just that -- I just - what else did I say? Just that she is not cute at all."
She added that Graff had threatened Latsis: "He said that she threatened to send Mexican people to come and beat the s..t out of him."
Hilton testified that she too was scared: "He said that she was going to do voodoo on me. And I kind of do believe in that stuff a little bit, so I was a little bit scared about that... "
Hilton, who was admonished several times to use the word "no" instead of "huh-uh," had problems explaining emails between herself and her then-publicist, Rob Shuter.
At one point she blurted out: "I'm so hungry."
It's probably not a good sign when somebody can read your court transcript and confuse you with a mentally disabled eight-year old.
Alicia Keys has a secret
It doesn't have anything to do with her hairy chest, proactiv, or her gorilla boobs, either. She has a boyfriend. And this guy couldn't help her pluck her body hair?
Keys acknowledged that she's been with the same person for quite some time now, and that she sees herself as being with that same person when she starts a family.
"Well. Well ... You know, I have to say, the person I'm with is really special," Keys said after smiling playfully. "And I'm lucky because when I go out with friends to parties, I say to myself, 'Self, what in the hell would you do if you didn't have somebody who loved you?' I mean, really. I look at these guys and it's like, 'Who are you? What do you even think about and what are you representing? Do you even know me? And do you want to know me or ... ?' It's scary. And I think about how uncomfortable I would feel trying to find love among so much falseness. So I feel very, very, very blessed to have someone so special to me. Someone who I know cares about me. That's what it's about. I'm pretty lucky."
Lucky says it, because I don't know too many dudes that are gonna be willing to put up with hairy nipples. Especially for the sake of his offspring. How much do you think those therapy bills are gonna be, when their kids remember being forced to nurse?
Paris Hilton pees herself
Paris Hilton's publicists are trying to silence a Hawaiian taxi-driver who claims that Hilton urinated in his cab. Harden Jamison says that Paris was too drunk to notice she'd wet herself when he picked her and boyfriend Stavros Niarchos up after a party on Maui.
The cabbie claims he mopped up the mess with a towel and plans to use Hilton's own DNA as evidence against her. Jamison has gone public with his story after getting threatened by Hilton's heavies, who offered him $200 for the towel. He says: "They were all drunk and abusive. I kicked them out and flagged down a cop." A Hilton spokesman denies the incident.
Why is it when the words "drunk" and "urine" appear together in a story, you immediately think of the word "Paris"? I'm not sure if this story is 100% true, but it sounds true. Hell, anything short of Paris having sex with the Pope in a tub full of kosher mustard sounds true. But how'd you like to be the next person to hitch a ride in that cab? If STDs could talk, the back of that cab would be like a Tourette's convention.
Thanks to podge for the tip.
Michael Jackson's animals have not been abused
So, I'm curious. What is the age of consent for a giraffe, anyway?
The Department of Agriculture sent an inspector to the 2,600-acre ranch in Central California last month in response to a complaint from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. PETA based its complaint on European tabloid reports that animals were being kept in substandard conditions."I'm unaware of any violations of the Animal Welfare Act at Neverland," Darby Holladay, a spokesman with the USDA in Washington, said Tuesday.
Is there any celebrity that's wasted more of America's good will than Michael Jackson? Ok, Whitney Houston, but who else? Really, I wanna know. Even though it took thrity years, it's shocking to see what Michael Jackson has become. This is where you scientists out there need to get on your grind. If you invent a time machine, you can go back to '83 like Doc Brown, and show Mike what he becomes. Then maybe he'd lay off the surgery and the being insane.
George Clooney and Teri Hatcher dating?
George Clooney and Teri Hatcher have been spotted looking cozy at various spots around Los Angeles, and are doing little to dispel buzz that they’re dating. “If I went on a date with George Clooney I would not be talking about it,” Hatcher has been quoted as saying.
When Clooney’s spokesman was asked to respond to reports that the actor had gone on several dates with the “Desperate Housewives” star, he replied, “What is your definition of a date?” He later came back and said, “I spoke with George and this is what he told me. ‘The rumor-reports, etc.’ that I’ve had ‘several dates with Teri Hatcher’ is not true, but if it was true, you’d be the first to know.’”
I'll just assume this is true, since George Clooney dates just about everyone. But dating Teri Hatcher? I don't know, she seems kinda clingy, and kinda maybe psychotic. Like one of those girls who, after you've broken up with her, keeps pretending you're still together. And sends you dead flowers in the mail. And muders your cat. And when you ask her "hey Teri, have you seen my cat?" she just smiles and says "your kitty's...just...fine" and then starts licking the refrigerator.
Eva Longoria is a spinner
What is she? Four foot nothing? Hooray to all the girls out there that are spinners. Oh, yeah. She also seems to be dating Jamie Foxx. Lucky!
Desperate Housewives beauty Eva Longoria has sparked speculation she has split from her basketball star lover Tony Parker, after cuddling up to Jamie Foxx at a Golden Globes after-party. The actress, 30, struck up a friendship with Oscar-winner Foxx when he invited her to star in his latest music video. Longoria and Foxx attended Mary J. Blige's surprise birthday party in Los Angeles last Wednesday, before speeding off together in the Ray star's silver two-seat Lamborghini.
Now, I've seen pictures of Jamie Foxx as a kid, and this guy had the wettest jheri curl I've ever seen. I'm talking "Soul Glow from Coming to America" greasy. And somehow he gets to throw Eva Longoria around a Motel 6. It's enough to make you poke your eyes out and learn how to play piano.
K-Fed plans to open a nightclub
Kevin Federline reportedly wants to open a Vegas nightclub, according to In Touch Weekly. The magazine reports that there’s a bit of a hitch because Kevin needs to get the money from his wife, who’s none-too-happy with the idea of her spouse spending his time in a nightclub.
A friend says, “The last place Britney wants Kevin to be spending his nights is in a nightclub, even if he’s the owner.” Still, Federline has persuaded Britney to talk to the owners of the Palms Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, about the possibility of his opening a nightclub there.
Goddamn it must be nice to be married to Britney. The girl can't say no to anything. And she should, because "hey Britney can I build a nightclub?" or "Hey Britney, five milkshakes, twenty minutes - think you can?" or "Hey Britney, why don't we give the baby some weed?" are questions with only one right answer. And the answer is to tattoo the words "boy toy" on Kevin's ass and drop him in prison.
Reese Witherspoon wears Kirsten Dunst's dress
There's been a bit of controversy over Reese Witherspoon's Chanel dress at the Golden Globes, mainly because Kirsten Dunst wore the same dress two years ago at the 2003 Golden Globes. Reese's publicist says, "Reese was told the dress was vintage. It was not. I'm not angry - just a little disappointed, but the big deal is Reese won the Golden Globe."
That Chanel sure is a sneaky sunuvabitch. When a dress has already been worn by Kirsten Dunst, you don't call it vintage. You call it "troll proven" or "snaggle-tooth approved." Or maybe just "ugly."
January 18, 2006
Paris Hilton is quite the dancer
I think it'd be great if Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton had a dance off. It could air on Fox and, just for kicks, Gary Coleman could freestyle rap in the background. It would be like a totally sweet spinoff of Dancing with the Stars, only instead of stars there would be two whores and a little black guy who kept repeating, "Whatchoo talkin' about, Willis?"
Angelina Jolie collapses
Star magazine is reporting that while in the Domincan Republic shooting The Good Shepherd, 5-month pregnant Angelina Jolie collapsed and "gashed her head." Brad Pitt became extremely nervous, and their source says: "She’s looking really frail and she’s pale and gaunt. I heard her doctor has put her on a high-risk pregnancy alert and Brad has been trying to persuade her to go on bed rest, but she won’t hear any of it."
Keep in mind that we're talking about Star here. On the same cover that they claim Angelina collapsed, they're also claiming that Jennifer Aniston proposed to Vince Vaughn. I'm not entirely sure who their sources are, but I'm thinking it might be the crazy guy who lives at the bus stop.
Hilary Swank not divorced yet
Hilary Swank says she's still trying to save her marriage to Chad Lowe, even though they just recently announced their separation. She told Access Hollywood during the Golden Globes: "We're still trying to save it. It's not over, we're not divorced. We've been together for over 13 years, and there's a lot of love there. We're still married."
It's nice to see that not all Hollywood couples give up on their marriage at the first sign of trouble. I think the secret is to stay as far away from Angelina Jolie as humanly possible. I read in a scientific magazine that just being within 100 feet of her causes men to murder their wives and throw themselves at her feet. And that's usually pretty bad for marriages.
Ricky Martin and The Golden Shower Hour
Seems a skeleton bone flew out of Ricky Martin's mouth the other day when he was doing an interview with Blender magazine. Now a foundation he's an ambassador for wants him to step down. UNICEF is not pleased.
The backlash stems from an interview published last month, in which Ricky told Blender, "I love giving the 'golden shower.' I've done it before in the shower. It's like, so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different." Ricky went on to say, "I'm open to everything. There are moments for soft, gentle sex. And there are moments for a good spank in the butt."
The Ricky Martin Foundation is an advocate for children's rights and is actively involved in the fight against human trafficking. Ricky is also a Goodwill Ambassador for UNICEF.
I'm not sure they should beat up on the guy for the world's worst kept secret. And notice, he didn't say, "spank on the butt." He said, "spank in the butt." Holy Smokes! Go buy stock in Tylenol PM, because I guarantee an epidemic of insomnia to hit within the week. Unless, of course, the thought of Ricky Martin peeing on people and getting spanked in the butt doesn't keep you up at nights. In which case forget about it.
Paris Hilton too good for Playboy
Paris Hilton has refused an invitation to strip for Playboy. The 24-year-old claims that Hugh Hefner has been begging her to pose since she was a teenager.
"They've asked me a million times," Hilton said. "Hef has been after me since I was 17, and I got offered a lot of money. But I'll never do it." Asked why she refused the Playboy offer, she replied: "Because I'm Paris Hilton."
Paris Hilton refusing to get naked is like Janet Jackson refusing to eat a bucket of Ding Dongs. That's what she does! If I ran into her on the street somewhere I'd be like "hey Paris, why don't you show me your - ", and I'd never finish, because she'd already be naked, and possibly humping the fire hydrant. At least with Playboy she'd get paid.
Thanks to Liam for the tip.
Shakira is very attractive
I don't know why singers are all of a sudden turning into sasquatches, but it's really freaking me out. Maybe they're getting ready to unleash a whole new breed of sasquatch music upon us. Something that involves a lot of crazy hair, big muscles, and possible eating of raw flesh.
Britney Spears now a Hindu
Britney Spears has been going through a lot of changes lately. Each time I click on a new picture of her, I don't know, It's like a child opening a Christmas present expecting to find a new toy train and instead finding naked pictures of Santa Claus. And along with her recent physical transformation, Britney has undergone a transformation of spirit. Raised as a Baptist, and having famously studied Kabbalah, a branch of Jewish mysticism, Britney is now apparently dabbling in Hinduism. She was recently spotted at a Hindu temple in Malibu, where she reportedly was getting a blessing for her baby son, Sean Preston.
It's obvious that Britney is looking for answers. Unfortunately they can't be found at the bottom of a bag of potato chips. The thing is, she barely has a grasp on things like hair-brushing and showering; if I asked her about the difference between Jesus and Buddha, she'd probably answer "spaghetti," and then give a knowing smile. And then I'd tell her to stop talking to the toaster.
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown getting divorced?
Ahhh, it's always sad when the fairy-tale ends. This one was called "The crack-whore marriage." Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown's 14-year marriage is reportedly on the rocks, with the couple planning to divorce. Brown has been telling friends and acquaintances he is divorcing Houston, 42, after an infamously tumultuous marriage. Earlier this month, Brown was reportedly seen flirting with a group of beauties backstage at a concert at the Foxwoods Casino in Mashantucket, Connecticut. A backstage source said, "While flirting with a bunch of women, they asked, 'What's up with your wife?' Bobby said, 'We ain't together no more. We're getting a divorce.'"
Well, this should free Whitney to find a man of more discriminating taste. Particularly a taste for mold and stale cheese, because I'm sure that's what she smells like. Seriously, Kevin Federline has nothing on Bobby Brown when it comes to destroying women. Next to Whitney, Britney looks downright gorgeous. Of course, the only way they'd ever actually be next to each other was if Britney was covered in mescaline.
January 17, 2006
VIDEO: Scarlett Johansson gets her breast squeezed at Golden Globes
You've already seen the images of Scarlett Johansson getting her breasts groped by Isaac Mizrahi at the Golden Globes, so I figured you'd also like to see the video. You just don't get the full experience from the pictures, since they lack Giuliana DePandi telling Ryan Seacrest that he'd get slapped for groping breasts because he's straight, and then Ryan Seacrest laughing at the idea of being straight. But damnit, if being a gay fashion designer gives you the right to randomly grope women's breasts as they walk by, then somebody get me a sewing machine and some leather hot shorts. And maybe some other stuff that gay fashion designers carry around. Prada dildo case?
Video clip after the jump.
Continue Reading "VIDEO: Scarlett Johansson gets her breast squeezed at Golden Globes"
Reese Witherspoon has no breasts
Maybe I'm just ignorant, but didn't Reese Witherspoon used to have breasts? Either she lost her mind and got a breast reduction, or she's the world's greatest magician and has made her chest totally disappear. That, or her baby got overzealous while breastfeeding and totally drained those things. I'm not a doctor, but that's possible, right? No? Not possible? How about you just shut up then.
NOTE: Contrary to popular belief, wearing a ballerina outfit to the Golden Globes is totally appropriate. Even more appropriate, however, is throwing on a potato sack and maybe cutting some holes in it.
Russell Crowe got his wife pregnant
Russell Crowe has confirmed that his wife Danielle Spencer is three-and-a-half months pregnant. He confirmed the news during a weekend concert with his band The Ordinary Fear of God.
"Everybody was going 'oh, that's lovely,'" a security guard tells the paper. "He wasn't really smiling that much but he doesn't smile that much anyway."
It's true about the smiling thing. Russell Crowe only smiles when he's winning Academy Awards or beating people to death with telephones. Actually now that I think about it, I don't remember him smiling all that much during the Academy Awards. And nevermind the thumbnail. That thing is, uh, Photoshopped. Or something.
Kevin Federline is a serious artist
Seriously. Stop giggling.
On Thursday (January 12), SOHH.com briefly interviewed Federline about "PopoZão," his debut single, and forthcoming untitled album. After the interviewer called Federline "K-Fed" several times, the Fresno, California native had apparently had enough.
"I don't like K-Fed," said Federline when asked what artists he didn't like.
"Why don't you like K-Fed?" replied the SOHH.com interviewer. Federline's response... a telephone dial tone.
I think it's about time we respect Mr. Federline's wishes. He's done nothing to warrant the disrespect and hardship the media has given him. So, let's come up with a moniker for him. Something fitting with his abilities as an emcee. MC Douche Bag? Feminem? Douchey McDouchavich? Kevin, those are on the house. No credit will be taken by me, I just wanna see you shine, dawg.
Drew Barrymore presents her Golden Globes
Did everybody catch Drew Barrymore presenting at The Golden Globes yesterday? I think a more fitting title for the show would have been Drew Barrymore's Golden Globes. Get it? Because her breasts are enormous and she wasn't wearing a bra. So then I made a reference to her boobs being globes. Golden globes. And the rest of the joke sort of wrote itself. Well actually I had to hire a guy from New York to help fill in the punchline, but that's not important.
Puff Daddy wants you to smell like him
You ever see some celebrity chatting it up with Pat O'Brien and think, "Man, I'd sure like to smell like him!" Well, you're the demographic Estée Lauder is after. Oh, yeah. Also, go kill yourself.
Some department stores have soured on Unforgivable, the new scent from Sean "Diddy" Combs. The New York Post reports an ad featuring the multi-tasking mogul in bed snuggling up with two women proved too hot for some conservative-minded retailers, prompting Estée Lauder to come up with a more "store-friendly" spot. The fragrance, for those who are interested, is infused with Sicilian lemon, Italian bergamot, Moroccan tangerine, grapefruit and juniper, along with hints of Tuscan basil, Florentine iris, sage and lavender. And no, it won't be available in the spice aisle of your local grocery.
I can't imagine anything that would out you more than buying Puff Daddy cologne. Besides watching a double feature of Brokeback Mountain and My Own Private Idaho. That's what Richard Simmons did one day. Before that fateful viewing, you would have known him by another name: Steve McQueen.
Kate Beckinsale has fat ass days
Kate Beckinsale says that there are days she feels so fat that she refuses to leave the house.
"It feels like I have somehow managed to cover up the mis-shapen strange child for an evening and fooled everybody. But I have days when I feel great and then I have days when my ass won't fit in my jeans and I won't leave the house. I guess when you become an actress you hope those fat ass days will go away, but of course, they don't."
I know there are a bunch of fat women out there thinking, "Wow, Kate Beckinsale is just like one of us!" But then you have to keep in mind that when she says she has trouble fitting into jeans, she's talking about a size 0 and not XXL sweat pants. Have you seen her recently? Calling Kate Beckinsale fat would be like calling Mary-Kate Olsen the 2006 Pie Eating Champion. It's just not true.
Tom Cruise gives crazy birthday gifts
For her 27th birthday present, Tom Cruise gave Katie Holmes a DVD collection of every movie he has ever acted in. A source told the Daily Express:
"Each was inscribed with a special handwritten love message to the future mother of his child."
It's a mystery why everybody thinks Tom Cruise is an egomaniacal loon. For birthday presents I usually give people framed pictures of myself and they absolutely love it, so I know exactly where Tom is coming from. The guy really knows the spirit of giving. Nothing says 'happy birthday' to someone like a huge shrine dedicated to yourself.
Thanks to Katrina for the tip.
Russell Crowe has a short fuse
Russell Crowe became enraged when a concert he was playing with band An Ordinary Fear Of God was interrupted by pop music. Poor soundproofing at the hotel he was performing at meant his singing was drowned out by a nightclub next door. He said: "My story-telling is being compromised by shitful music." He then demanded that the crowd complain to management after the concert. An onlooker said: "Russell really had the hump, big style. He started the show in a great mood but it went downhill pretty quickly. Many of his songs are emotional - one is about a family member's suicide - so to have pop music spoiling his mood really tested his patience."
You can't read a story about Russell Crowe without the word "rage" appearing in it somewhere. With all due respect to his "story-telling", most stories about Crowe involve booze, slurred pick-up lines like "hey baby, you wanna see the Maximus in my pants?", punching people in the back, and kangaroos. The only concert I'd pay to see him in would be three hours of David Beckham kicking him in the bean-bag. Now that would be emotional.
Tommy Lee keeps on going
Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee has been quietly dating 20-year-old Stefani Morgan, the latest addition to adult industry giant Vivid Video's stable of sexpots. Lee met Morgan at an Adult Video News Awards after-party at the Venetian in Las Vegas a few weeks ago. "They've been seeing a lot of each other ever since," a friend of Morgan says. Lee has previously dallied with porn queen Jenna Jameson as well as countless lesser-known starlets.
I don't know what to say here, other than that I'm no longer entirely sure that Tommy Lee is human. By all rights his penis should have fallen off years ago, from exhaustion if nothing else. At this point it probably has horns and a monocle. And yet he still manages to pull all kinds of ass. And while seducing a porn star isn't exactly like mapping the human genome, it shouldn't be that easy when you're in your mid-forties and look like, well, I mean just look at the picture, for godsake.
Courtney Love is a "cool mom"
Courtney Love's 13-year-old daughter Frances Bean Cobain has spoken out - saying it is difficult having a "cool mom" and accusing the media of spreading lies about her mom. She told I-D magazine: "Sometimes I wish I wasn't so much at home alone and that it wasn't about nannies and chauffeurs and all that stuff. I get to meet everyone I want and I get quite a lot of attention because of it, you know? But of course it hurts when you see a lot of lies about her in tabloids and then you think, 'Well, it's not that cool to have a cool mom.' I don't like seeing my mom upset. No one does, right?"
Frances seems like a nice enough girl. It's kinda inspiring to see her defend a woman who spends most of her time either a) drunk, b) high, c) naked, d) dressing monkeys in bikinis, or e) all of the above. This really surprises me, because I figured any daughter of Courtney's would either be sold into prostitution or so strung out on drugs that she'd look like a cross between Keith Richards and Sloth. Only with boobs. And then I'd call her Sloobs.
Scarlett Johansson gets her breasts squeezed
I'm not an expert when it comes to being appropriate, but I think reaching out and squeezing Scarlett Johansson's breasts qualifies as crossing the line. I can't really blame the guy though, since if I met Scarlett in person I'd probably rip off my pants in a moment of passion and tackle her to the floor. And then proceed to do things that would get me arrested.
Continue Reading "Scarlett Johansson gets her breasts squeezed"
January 16, 2006
I Watch Stuff! live blogs The Golden Globes
I was going to live blog The Golden Globes myself, but I Watch Stuff! is doing it and I figure there's no way I'm going to top them. So if you're watching The Golden Globes and want an Anticlown companion, check out I Watch Stuff's live blogging. And before you start hating on me for being lazy, I'll leave you with this lovely image of Scarlett Johansson presenting her breasts as an apology.
Live Blogging: The Golden Globes [I Watch Stuff!]
The Superficial Quickies
• Brittany Murphy and Joseph Macaluso are engaged. This is a nice move for Brittany, although it's not quite as classy as sleeping around with waiters at industry bar mitzvahs. [People]
• Eminem remarried Kim last night, proving once and for all that love can overcome anything, even horrible death threats made by your ex-husband. And by 'love' I mean 'money'. Because damnit if Eminem doesn't have a lot of money. [AP]
• Carrie Fisher admits to being a whore. Star Wars fans everywhere break open their piggy banks, only to be disappointed when they find out she only meant it in the figurative sense regarding selling her autograph at shows. [Page Six]
• Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas has started his own record label, choosing the most original name possible in the history of all record labels: will.i.am music. [NME]
Britney Spears shops without her wedding ring
Britney Spears was doing some shopping in Malibu on Saturday without her wedding ring. It's possible she forgot to put it on. It's also possible Kevin sold it to fund his Tears in Heaven remix. Or simply for crack. I don't know what this says about the marriage. I'll just assume there was some little domestic spat. Probably involving weed. And strange new warts. And some combination of the words "baby" and "microwave" and "popcorn tragedy."
Janet Jackson is...uhm...well...
They say that red is the sexiest color. What they should say is that Janet is the fattest Jackson. Here she is, wearing a tarp sweatshirt, walking along, hoping her prayers are answered and it starts to rain cheeseburgers. Though I'm pretty sure that's not what the cheeseburgers were praying for.
Joaquin Phoenix struggles for love
Joaquin Phoenix says he has problems finding a girlfriend, because all his potential dates research him first. He explains, "I met a girl recently and we were out at dinner and suddenly she announces, 'I'm vegan.' I knew that was purely for my benefit because she got the information from a magazine and thought that was what she should say so we had something in common. You can see why meeting new people is so awkward. Normal things, like, 'Are your parents together?' they already know. If I could make films and never do interviews or have my photo taken, I'd do it."
Hey, what a coincidence! If I could get paid without "doing any work" or "bathing regularly" or "fornicating with the cleaning lady", I'd do that! Well, maybe. But I can see how much more difficult it must be when people are fawning all over you and paying you millions to play dress-up and pretend to be someone else, things usually reserved for tranny beauty-pageants. Or so I hear. Ahem. So anyway, good for you Joaquin!
Kathy Hilton wears see through shirts
Ever wondered where Paris Hilton got her strong moral fiber? I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but I suspect it may have come from her mother. The folks at ohnotheydidn't have some images of Kathy Hilton shaking her breasts in a see through shirt with her daughter Nicky Hilton in the background. Paris is nowhere to be seen, but I can only assume she's standing somewhere off camera, helping out the homeless and not being filmed having sex.
Uncensored NSFW images after the jump.
Whitney Houston still looks like crap
Maybe Whitney Houston should think about going back to the "spoiled diva" look, because I don't think the "will give head for crack money" look is working out too well for her. Unless she wants people to think she'll give head for crack money, in which case she should just stick with whatever it is she's doing.
