December 19, 2005
Rivers Cuomo wastes stardom
The only thing more infuriating to me than an arrogant celebrity is an arrogant celebrity who won't do what's expected of him. For more than two years, Rivers Cuomo (the lead singer for Weezer) has refused to use his star power to bang the bejeezus out of every emo groupie he sees, not because he looks like the guy who ate his boogers in physics class, but because he's trying to prove some cruel point to men across the globe.
"Abstinence doesn't require as much self-discipline anymore," he says. "We never had any serious groupies, anyway. Our generation got screwed."
I can go a long time without sex too. But instead of practicing the self-discipline Mr. Cuomo speaks so highly of, I rely on a stunningly accurate combo of being fat, pasty and anti-social. Rivers, you will never reach my level of asexuality so I suggest you cease and desist your pursuits immediately. I hear Jessica Simpson's available.
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Comments
1. Posted by Binky on December 19, 2005 10:38 PM
Well I'm a bit surprised that his hairy palms don't interfer with his guitar playing. But his wrists would be stronger I suppose.
Of course I've never had any 'serious groupies' either. They're always fooling around and that farting pillow gets a bit lame after a while.
2. Posted by al rarow on December 19, 2005 11:10 PM
No one would want to bone someone who cranks out 38-minute snoozefests like he's been doing ever since ditching Matt Sharp.
This bit of emo coolness comes from the same guy who, while in Harvard, used to walk around in crutches and a full-beard so people would just turn a blind eye.
3. Posted by al rarow on December 19, 2005 11:11 PM
Wow -- they had an album out this year? WHO KNEW?
Exactly.
4. Posted by al rarow on December 19, 2005 11:21 PM
Wow -- they had an album out this year? WHO KNEW?
Exactly.
5. Posted by SpiderMomma on December 19, 2005 11:28 PM
Do not care...seriously. My life would have gone on just fine without that knowledge.
6. Posted by Smackage on December 20, 2005 12:42 AM
i'm pretty sure he's a liar and only saying this shit so that girls will think he's sweet and want to bang him.
7. Posted by SkyeZ11 on December 20, 2005 1:03 AM
That's complete crap. That guy's notorious for banging teenie boppers. I saw it first hand. Seriously, what girl can resist that geek, especially when those glasses start to fog up. Mmmmmmm...
8. Posted by slinkhard on December 20, 2005 4:37 AM
"We never had any serious groupies, anyway. Our generation got screwed."
Has he ever considered maybe it's not his generation so much as his shitty band?
9. Posted by Bill Clinton on December 20, 2005 6:21 AM
When you achieve a position of power it is your duty to nail as many hot young girls as possible. This guy is either gay or was born with no genitalia.
10. Posted by sadietolstoy on December 20, 2005 7:01 AM
Aww, I think he's cute, but then I have a weakness for geeks. And I'm willing to help him rethink that celibacy vow, lol.
11. Posted by SpiderMomma on December 20, 2005 9:58 AM
Bill, or both.
12. Posted by rathernot666 on December 20, 2005 10:02 AM
I don't think frequenting massage parlors counts as celebacy. If so that means I'm still a virgin, damn!
13. Posted by ElFurbe on December 20, 2005 10:26 AM
Weezer is a seminal band that inspired an entire genre. They've released music over a decade of playing that created the foundation sound that half the no-talent corporate emo/half-punk bands on the radio are cashing in on. And their new album isn't half bad. It's not the blue album or anything, but then again, what is.
This is definitely a Rob Gordon moment for me. Don't you damn kids know anything about your rock heritage?
14. Posted by Gregory on December 20, 2005 2:44 PM
Just to back up what ElFurbe said..
I was never a Weezer fan- two months ago, I would have skipped right over this article. But, I saw them in concert (They were playing with the Foo Fighters), and I was extreamly surprised- they were very good.
So, dont write them off unless you've actually heard them. And listening to "Beverly Hills" on the radio a few times doesn't count.
15. Posted by shmea on December 20, 2005 7:58 PM
i always heard, from at least one reliable source, that he was just really into hookers. but then, i could be wrong. cause really, who would bang cute indie-rock groupies when you can pay for hookers...
16. Posted by HOMELESS™ on December 21, 2005 2:55 AM
ha.
yea thats a good cover up.
as if this dood doesnt have a penis.
c'mon now. can we all say "gulable"?
17. Posted by HOMELESS™ on December 21, 2005 2:56 AM
honestly.
i think he feels bad for mistaking that 16 year old for an 18 year old. i mean it musta felt the same. but a little bit tighter ?
18. Posted by lebowski on December 21, 2005 9:46 AM
The people who said Weezer's music sucks probably haven't heard The Blue Album or Pinkerton. No one can do punk/emo like Weezer, they are the original--emo wasn't even a word back when I was 15 listening to their Blue Album. Anyway, Rivers only likes Japanese girls which means he only likes short homely girls who wear bright pink socks and Hello Kitty necklaces....
19. Posted by morephish on December 21, 2005 5:05 PM
I am so glad I am an avid Hello Kitty collector....celibacy is sexy
20. Posted by ThatsHot on December 21, 2005 6:16 PM
Well done lebowski(one of my favorite movies by the way)! You assesment was spot on. The fact that the man can hold out so long kinda makes him like, the monk of rock. He is exhalted, oh St. Ignatius of Quomo. Would you believe "The Sweater Song" just came on the radio?