December 23, 2005
Kirsten Dunst is more important than cripples
If I were a snaggletoothed lush in desperate need of a latte, I wouldn't give a damn about the van full of crippled kids either. Damnit, Kirsten Dunst drives a Prius. That counts for something, right? She's saving the environment! Who cares if she uses it to back over amputees?
Big ups to Kate for the tip.
Foxy Brown deaf AND dumb
I've learned from experience that there's a few things you shouldn't do while in court. Shouting in tongues, threatening to eat the baliff's face, oh, and acting like a 2nd grader in front of the judge. Yeah, that will get you hogtied faster than a sweaty Elton John on his wedding night. With that said, the three of you who feel sorry for Foxy Brown and her hearing issues can stop now.
The trouble started, according to the AP, when Judge Melissa Jackson accused Brown of chewing gum, a no-no in court. Brown responded by opening her mouth and sticking out her tongue "as if to show her mouth was empty," the wire service said... All of this led to Brown being handcuffed, which led to Brown reportedly scuffling with a court officer, which led to the threat of jail.
You would think Foxy has been in court enough times to know the routine by now.
Foxy "Making Faces," Not Friends [Yahoo!]
Brad Renfro busted on Skid Row
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Almost child acting star Brad Renfro was arrested Wednesday on Skid Row for trying to score heroin from an undercover officer. Nice move, Brad. Glad to see you've set a new standard for the Hollywood downward spiral. Before it was enough just to be molested by Michael Jackson and turn into a pothead with the occasional role on The Surreal Life. But now the pinnacle is having a picture of your arrest snapped by the L.A. Times, looking vaguely like Buffalo Bill in "Silence of the Lambs."
Hilary Duff scratches her ass
And then sniffs her fingers. Because that's what celebrities do. They scratch their ass and sniff their fingers. Like monkeys they are.
Gwen Stefani still pregnant
Gwen Stefani confirmed reports of her pregnancy Wednesday night while onstage at her final tour stop in Florida, asking the audience to "sing so loud that the baby hears it."
"I want you to sing so loud that the baby hears it," the 36-year-old singer told the Bank Atlantic Center crowd during a sing-along to her song "Crash." She patted her famous-but-expanding midsection at the end of the show. Though word of her pregnancy broke Tuesday, her label reps had refused to confirm it.
I should probably say something more, but I thought her pregnancy was already confirmed. So uh, I guess we're confirming reports that confirmed reports were actually confirmed. Or something. Maybe I should say 'confirmed' a few more times and see if I can make things even more confirmier.
Kevin Federline picks up kid
If there's one good thing about sagging, it's the way it makes you look like you have short little midget legs. At first I was horrified at the thought of Kevin Federline actually being responsible for another human being, but then I pictured him waddling around in his saggy jeans and started laughing. Because I bet he waddles just like a penguin. And that's funny.
Jessica Alba buys lingerie
There's really no point in mentioning how hot Jessica Alba is, so I'll just leave you with this image of her buying lingerie and let your imagination fill in the rest. And in case you have a poor imagination, let me help you out: picture Jessica Alba wearing a lab coat riding on top of a rhinoceros while reading the morning paper. Not hot enough for you? Then picture two rhinoceros. Oh, baby, now we're talking.
Jessica Simpson hates her judge
Jessica Simpson apparently wants the judge assigned to her divorce case to be removed, and filed legal papers in Los Angeles on Wednesday that accuse him of being biased. Extra got their hands on the documents and they say: "The Judge is prejudiced against Petitioner (Jessica Simpson) and/or Petitioner's attorney. He and/or Petitioner cannot have a fair and impartial trial."
Don't read too much into it though, since a source says the papers filed were a formality and that Simpson and Lachey are in negotiations to have a private judge hear the case. Unfortunate, since I was picturing the judge leaning back in his chair after watching an episode of Newlyweds and then all of a sudden jumping out and pointing his finger at Jessica yelling, "You're fucking stupid! I sentence you to death!"
December 22, 2005
Courtney Love selling out Nirvana
Driving perhaps the greatest musical mind of a generation to kill himself and urinate all over his legacy for more than a decade just isn't enough for Courtney Love. The widow of Kurt Cobain is now trying to cash in on Nirvana, because she's blown all her money on heroin and clown makeup.
Courtney Love is broke and wants to raise cash by selling her rights to the song catalog of her late husband, Kurt Cobain, and Nirvana. Sources say Love, whose Crosby Street apartment was in foreclosure earlier this year, is looking for $100 million. This should come as salt in the wounds of Nirvana's Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic and Chad Channing, who fought with Love for years over control of the songs and over royalties.
She'll probably go after her daughter's trust fund next and spend it on bongs. At this point I think Michael Jackson's kids have a better shot at living well-adjusted lives. Really, it's people like Courtney Love who are stumbling proof that there is no God. She gets to live a life of luxury, no matter how hard she works to fuck it up. I really hope she reveals herself as the anti-christ sometime soon. It would explain a lot.
Kate Moss is probably going to jail
Things are just getting worse and worse for Kate Moss. The Daily Mirror has reportedly turned over its video of her snorting cocaine to the police.
Police said at the time they would investigate the allegations, taking into account the impact on impressionable young people. No one at the Daily Mirror was willing to comment on the record, but a senior staffer who refused to be identified said the newspaper had turned over the secretly captured video to police under a judge's orders. It allegedly showed Moss taking drugs with her then-boyfriend Pete Doherty, the troubled singer of British rock band Babyshambles. Police refused to comment.
I suppose things could be worse. I mean the tape shows her snorting cocaine, but at least it doesn't show her doing something like shooting a man in the face or stabbing a kid in a wheelchair. That's pretty good, right?
Brooke Hogan is tan
Scarlett Johansson Questions Monogamy
Josh Hartnett better keep his eyes open, because his girl Scarlett Johansson has claimed that monogamy is unnatural .
She says, "I don't think human beings are monogamous by nature. It's difficult - you have to put a lot of effort into a relationship." She also gave her thoughts on dating actors, saying "I think it's hard for actors to date each other because they are so damn moody. You are away from people constantly and having a relationship that is strictly by phone, it is miserable. Or if you say to him/her, 'Hey, (even though) I am doing a very sexy scene with this very sexy girl/boy, I love you and I'm going to be thinking of you when I am rolling around in bed with this person!'"
I love the gender-ambiguity in this quote. It gives me free rein to imagine Scarlett in debauched sex scenes with any number of beautiful young actresses. Mostly porn actresses. Filmed in my basement. In any case, I hope Josh Hartnett isn't the jealous type. I'm not saying I'm going to steal Scarlett away from him. Unless you consider marathon sex sessions involving spaghetti, naked mimes, and an eighty-gallon fish tank to be stealing. Prudes.
Renee Zellweger is single
Some things are destined to come to an end. Youth. Life. My collection of Dustin Diamond nudie photos. And now we can add Renee Zellwegger and Kenny Chesney's marriage to the list.
Their annulment was finalized by Los Angeles Superior Court this week. Despite a recent string of secret dinners fuelling speculation over a possible reunion, the couple are now officially separated. Sources say the couple's split is amicable, despite Zellweger citing fraud as her reason for wishing to dissolve her marriage to the country star.
Once upon a time Renee Zellwegger was very attractive, in a girl-next-door kinda way. But then she started to melt. I have my doubts that she'll be getting married again anytime soon. Having sex with her now would be like having sex with a bean-bag chair. But at least the bean bag chair doesn't complain when I pee on it aftewards.
December 21, 2005
David Letterman harasses the mentally insane
David Letterman is trying to get his lawyers to remove a restraining order made against him by a Santa Fe woman who claims "the CBS late-night host used code words to show he wanted to marry her and train her as his co-host."
A state judge granted a temporary restraining order to Colleen Nestler, who alleged in a request filed last Thursday that Letterman has forced her to go bankrupt and caused her "mental cruelty" and "sleep deprivation" since May 1994.
Nestler's application for a restraining order was accompanied by a six-page typed letter in which she said Letterman used code words, gestures and "eye expressions" to convey his desires for her.She wrote that she began sending Letterman "thoughts of love" after his "Late Show" began in 1993, and that he responded in code words and gestures, asking her to come East.
She said he asked her to be his wife during a televised "teaser" for his show by saying, "Marry me, Oprah." Her letter said Oprah was the first of many code names for her and that the coded vocabulary increased and changed with time.
I don't know what it takes to become a judge in Santa Fe, but apparently a brain isn't one of the requirements. There's no other explanation for how the restraining got approved in the first place, since the odds of David Letterman sending secret coded messages to an insane woman in Santa Fe are about as likely as me not having sex tonight with a half dozen supermodels. In other words, not very.
Kathy Griffin fired from E!
Kathy Griffin will no longer be covering the red carpet for E!. After mulling over the “It’s not you, it’s me” approach, E! executives decided to go with the classic puzzle metaphor.
When Griffin's people called Harbert, "Apparently Ted told my reps that the E! red carpet is a puzzle and I am a piece of the puzzle, which is a wonderful puzzle piece, but I don't fit this particular puzzle and that when I see the puzzle, I will get it. I am a piece that doesn't understand only because they can't tell me who will take over.”
The only surprising thing about Kathy Griffin getting fired is that she was ever hired in the first place. Who would want to watch her on television? She sounds like a [loud or annoying animal] in a [painful or bad situation]. Apparently E! wanted to go with someone a little less brash and a little more feminine: Ryan Seacrest.
Britney can't take K-Fed anywhere
When I settle in to watch a movie with my $25 worth of milk duds, superpretzels and watered down coke, I expect some goddamn peace and quiet. But of course, there's always some tool talking on his cell phone. It turns out, that moron is Kevin Federline. Brit recently took the leech out for a matinee, only to find out their infant offspring has a longer attention span.
Federline — nicknamed "Spenderline" by Spears' pals due to his lack of job and free-spending ways — spent the whole time on the phone. Federline and Spears also got into a fight when he tried to leave early. A rep for Spears said, "Believe it or not, Britney and Kevin are just like other couples — they fight and they make up."
If I were Brit (and sometimes in my most shameful of private moments I think I am) I would have left K-Fed alone at the 50 Cent movie. You know, the one where people were getting shot at the concession stand. The over/under on his murder would be about 4 minutes, doing us all a huge favor.
Lindsay Lohan whoring around with Keanu
Now that Lindsay Lohan has moved down to Keanu Reeves on her list of people to bone, she'll likely be knocking on Pauly Shore's door by Valentine's Day. This is either another sad attempt to make Wilmer jealous, or the latest twist in downward spiral that ends with Lindsay sprawled out naked in my garage under a pile of "Herbie the Love Bug" DVDs.
Both stars were dining with friends, and just happened to get up at the same time to use the washroom facilities. They made eye contact in the lobby, chatted, complimented each other's work and finally asked the front desk for pen and paper to exchange numbers.
Yeah, yeah, it sounds innocent enough, but let's not deny that she probably cornered Keanu in the parking lot and forced him to tell her that she's prettier than her sister. Keanu, take it from me, Lindsay will vaporize your soul faster than an R. Kelly golden shower. Run away now!
Michael Jackson is a kidnapper
With the jesus juice wearing off, Debbie Rowe is realizing that a middle-aged white woman has stolen her children. Rowe is going to court to have MJ bring her two kids back from Bahrain. But what I'm more concerned with is the chaos that's ensuing back at Neverland. As Jacko galavants across the globe in a painkiller fueled daze, Bubbles and company are dying a slow, lonely death.
Meanwhile, as Jackson now faces default on a $272 million debt, sources say the exotic animals at his Neverland Ranch — a potential foreclosure property — are not being fed properly and are looking as sickly as the singer himself.
Back to the story at hand; if Debbie's previous claim is true, MJ should be charged with kidnapping any day now. That means another springtime trial, and another pilgrimage to the courthouse. This time I'll bring the doves.
Elton John is a bride
Not entirely sure what you're looking at? Yeah me neither, but supposedly it's Elton John being fitted for his traditional flowing wedding dress by Donatella Versace. Why would he be wearing a wedding dress, you ask? Because he got married today.
Elton John swapped vows with longtime partner David Furnish Wednesday, taking advantage of a new law in England that permits same-sex couples to enter into legalized civil unions. The twosome made their partnership official in a private ceremony at Windsor's town hall, the same spot where Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles were wed earlier this year. Hundreds of fans turned out to line the streets in support.
I'm all for same sex marriages and all that, but I'm not okay with seeing Elton John trying on a wedding dress. His goofy eyewear and crazy outfits were at least mildly amusing, but the full on wedding gown is just bizarre. Thanks to Dupa for the picture, and for the totally fitting comment: "I'd have to say that I'd rather wipe my dementia-ridden grandmothers diarhhea infected anal cavity before having to look at this picture twice."
UPDATE: The photo is 90% fake. Considering Elton John and his husband, David Furnish, wore tuxedos to their wedding, it doesn't make much sense for him to have a spare wedding gown to change into. Then again, there isn't much about Elton John that makes sense.
Pamela Anderson unhappy about Pole Dance cut
Pamela Anderson has ripped NBC for editing her pole dance out of a broadcast of Elton John's Las Vegas stage extravaganza. The actress moves suggestively in the video, which was included in preview copies sent out to critics. The network decided the material didn't fit with the 8pm time slot.
She says, "This really bothers me. Elton cut me out. I was in the previews. If you cover your nipples then you're clothed."
This is why America loves Pamela Anderson. Give the girl two postage stamps and a strategically-placed bandaid and she's ready to hit the town. Of course it helps that she has a giant rack. The whole 'postage stamp' idea isn't quite so pleasant if we're talking about Ruben Studdard. Although I guess he has a giant rack too. And he sings better. And is much gentler in bed.
Paris Hilton club-banishment because of Nicole Richie
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are not friends. If this is news to you, then welcome to Florida! Down with Fidel! But the feud between the two media whores undoubtedly only intensified when Paris was booted out of an L.A. nightclub for bad-mouthing Richie.
Paris was told to leave LAX in Beverly Hills for talking trash about Nicole Richie to her sister Nicky. Richie had dated the D.J. at the club, according to the forthcoming issue of In Touch Weekly. “No one will admit it,” a source told the mag, “but Paris is now banned from LAX.”
Nothing makes me happier than the thought of Paris Hilton getting thrown out of a popular nightspot. Except perhaps the thought of Paris Hilton getting thrown in front of a bus. And then bursting into flame. And having the flames doused in urine. And then the tombstone makers misspelling her name as Penis Hilton. And everyone kind of snickering at it during the eulogy.
Johnny Knoxville and Luke Wilson hit the town
If you're sorta young, and kinda rich, and relatively famous, there's a lot of things you can do. Buy fast cars. Buy loose women. Kill for sport. Or you can party like Johnny Knoxville and Luke Wilson. Last Friday night, the two met up at Hog Pit barbecue in New York where they both "seemed completely out of their minds."
According to a source, "On Johnny's way out, he flipped out on a guy who called him a peach and threw the guy into a table, which broke in two. He then hit himself in his own head, as if trying to sober himself up." On Sunday afternoon the duo went to Milady's Bar in SoHo, where they drank and shot pool until Knoxville left with a short blond woman. Wilson looked as if "someone had slipped him a Mickey" and was "mumbling his words" as he chatted with a slinky, raven-haired "rocker chick." After she left, Wilson wandered out of the bar but was brought back in by the bartender for forgetting to pay his tab.
I'm not sure who comes off worse in this story. Knoxville at least got in a fight, though if he gets upset when guys call him a peach he should either a) stop wearing lipstick and leather chaps, or b) stop introducing himself as Johnny Peach. But at least he got a girl. Luke gets nothing but a fistful of Luke. And who wants that? I mean, besides Luke.
December 20, 2005
George Clooney: Make me babies
George Clooney must be gay because he has no understanding of human pregnancy. Unless he plans to steal TomKat's baby machine and turn it to level "Nublex 6," he's going to be sadly disappointed with his demand on some poor unsuspecting woman's uterus.
"I want to be married with six kids by next year. I want six little sextuplets around but I don't really make New Year's resolutions."
I have a better idea. Why don't we just give the babies of Ben Affleck, Gwen Stefani, Matt Damon, Britney Spears, Tom Cruise and Gwyneth Paltrow to George. He reaches part of his goal, and I don't have to stay up at night worrying if K-Fed is spending the kid's trust fund on weed and throwback jerseys. Or hell, if that doesn't work, Clooney can just steal kids from third world countries like Brangelina.
Britney Spears sues Us Weekly
Britney Spears has filed a $20 million libel lawsuit against Us Weekly over a story that she and Kevin Federline had made a sex tape and were worried about its release.
The lawsuit, filed Monday, seeks $10 million in libel damages and $10 million for misappropriating the 24-year-old pop singer's name and image to promote sales. It also seeks unspecified punitive damages. "We have a very credible source and we stand by our story," Us Weekly spokesman Alex Dudley said Tuesday in a statement.
I could understand this if Us Weekly reported that Britney and Kevin keep enslaved midgets in their basement, but being worried about a sex tape doesn't really call for a lawsuit. Are Britney and Kevin actually worried that the idea of a sex tape will ruin their public image? That's like Hitler leaving a large tip at Denny's because he doesn't want people to think he's a bad guy. Too little too late, man.
Gwen Stefani is knocked up
Gwen Stefani's family has confirmed rumors that she's expecting a baby, after fans noticed she changed her performance clothes to conceal a slight bulge.
The 36-year-old pop star and Gavin Rossdale, 38, were married three years ago. The baby is due in June, the magazine reported Tuesday. "We are delighted," Us Weekly quotes Rossdale's father, Douglas, as saying. Stefani's mother, Patti, also reportedly confirmed the pregnancy to the magazine.
Considering her husband, Gavin Rossdale, has a knack for getting people unexpectedly pregnant, I can only assume that this pregnancy was unplanned. Plus, it's not often a pop-star decides to have a baby while they're in the middle of a tour. But that's just me. Maybe Gwen did plan the whole thing, and timed it perfectly so that she would weigh 300 lbs for the last show of her tour. If you look up the definition of "awesome" I'm pretty sure it comes up with a picture of a super fat pregnant lady performing a stunning rendition of "Hollaback Girl."
Naomi doesn't like Sienna
Naomi Campbell is furious over the comparisons made between Kate Moss, who is currently on a comeback after her cocaine scandal, and Sienna Miller.
"A lot of people compare the actress Sienna Miller to her. But I can't stand to hear that. I don't know Sienna Miller but there is no comparison to Kate. I don't like imitations, I like the real thing."
There are some things that Naomi Campbell does well. I'm not exactly sure what those things are, but I imagine they involve small children, teddy bears, fire, and lots of tears. One thing that she certainly doesn't do well is make friends. Except, of course, for Kate Moss. Maybe they bonded while doing enough coke to line a football field. Hell, maybe Naomi has AIDS too. In any case, I doubt Sienna will be too upset. Any time Naomi Campbell criticizes you without trying to knife you, murder your pets or set your car on fire, you have to count yourself lucky.
Scarlett Johansson attracts old men
Scarlett Johansson, while promoting the Woody Allen directed Match Point, says that Allen was obsessed with her love life.
“He’s not always sure of himself, and that’s a sexy quality,” she says. “But you know what cracks me up? He’s fascinated with my love life. And John Travolta is even worse than Woody — he wants to know everything. I guess it’s because they’re both married with kids and want to live vicariously.”
If by 'live vicariously' she meant 'have sex with me', then she may be right. And if by 'I have a restraining order' she means, 'please continue to stand naked outside my front door every night', then my chances are looking up. But then again, any girl who uses the word 'sexy' when describing Woody Allen is obviously not right in the head. Which simply means I'll have to stuff her head in the pillow when we're having sex.
Charlize Theron not a Bond girl
The new James Bond film is facing a girl crisis after actress Charlize Theron turned down a role in Casino Royale. The way I see it, It's only a matter of time before their successive failures in casting the Bond girl role lead them to cast Ricky Martin as a Bond boy in Brokeback Royale: Shaken, not Stirred.
Theron is the latest actress to refuse the chance, following Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson and Kimberley Davies, reports The Sun. The Bond producers have only a month left to finalise the female lead of the film, as its release date is in the fall of 2006.
I haven't seen a James Bond film since somewhere around the dawn of color tv, but I'm guessing that the reason they've had so much trouble finding a Bond girl is that the new Bond guy, Daniel Craig, looks like a cross between James Woods and my testicles. He better be a terrific actor, because right now I have a hard time believing he'd be able to seduce the fat russian chick working third-shift at the local 7-11, let alone a supermodel.
December 19, 2005
Carmen Electra is a whore
When you spread your legs for Dennis Rodman and marry a transvestite, the only thing left to do is sell yourself on eBay. But before I could win, she decided to remove herself from the site. I guess offering my soul, left kidney and bitchin' collection of Magic cards was a bit much.
"They were bidding for a date with me on eBay, which was kind of weird, but the money went to charity, so I thought it would be a nice thing to do. It went up to some crazy number and I actually felt obligated to, like, sleep with the guy."
She says it's for a good cause, but you know it's just a front to finance the Dave and Carmen sex guide they've been working on. Carmen, you got away this time, but don't think I'm not saving up for your next overt display of prostitution.
Sharon Osbourne's boobs are heavy
When I think of babes with a big rack, Sharon Osbourne is pretty much last on the list. But now that I've stumbled across this unsavory piece of information, I will never be able to stare at a pair the same way again.
The sexy X Factor judge had a boob job in July to give her a 34DD chest. But she now plans another op to make them smaller - even though husband Ozzy loves them.
Anything that created Kelly Osbourne is about as sexy as my last bowel movement. And let me tell ya, I think my poop would have a better shot with Rivers Cuomo on his "freedom from celibacy" night than Kelly. We can only hope and pray that Sharon will be satisfied with her third boob job so that we'll never have to speak of this again.
Rivers Cuomo wastes stardom
The only thing more infuriating to me than an arrogant celebrity is an arrogant celebrity who won't do what's expected of him. For more than two years, Rivers Cuomo (the lead singer for Weezer) has refused to use his star power to bang the bejeezus out of every emo groupie he sees, not because he looks like the guy who ate his boogers in physics class, but because he's trying to prove some cruel point to men across the globe.
"Abstinence doesn't require as much self-discipline anymore," he says. "We never had any serious groupies, anyway. Our generation got screwed."
I can go a long time without sex too. But instead of practicing the self-discipline Mr. Cuomo speaks so highly of, I rely on a stunningly accurate combo of being fat, pasty and anti-social. Rivers, you will never reach my level of asexuality so I suggest you cease and desist your pursuits immediately. I hear Jessica Simpson's available.
Nicole Richie hates breasts, eating
There are some real benefits to not eating. You can save tons of cash. You can free up about an hour and half each day. You don't have to worry about spilling ketchup on your shirt. Unfortunately, there are a few side effects like death or, even worse, boob-shrinkage. Nicole Richie disagrees. She loves her barren bosom.
The sexy TV star said she used to want to be curvy until she realised she could do without underwear. The star revealed: "I think there are things that everyone wants to change about their body."I used to want a bigger chest, but now I like being flat. Clothes fit better, and I don't really need to wear a bra."
I can’t imagine why DJ AM would walk away from this woman. I mean, sure, she doesn’t have breasts, but think of all that she has to offer. Hell, I bet she doesn’t even menstruate anymore! I guess having to keep sawdust around the house like you’re some elementary school janitor would get old, though.
Tom Cruise stabs Katie Holmes in the head. Maybe.
I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this picture, but I prefer to jump to conclusions so I'll just go ahead and assume that Tom Cruise is stabbing Katie Holmes in the head. Or - and this one's a lot less believable - he's forcing her to perform oral sex on him. Sure, there will be naysayers out there who claim he's just holding her hair out of the birthday candles as she blows them out, but let's be realistic here. Katie Holmes? Having a birthday? Wouldn't it make more sense if Tom Cruise just happened to decide that stabbing her in the back of the head would be an awesome thing to do? I think it would, my friends. I think it would.
Colin Farrell makes child porn
Filmmakers of The New World have apparently re-shot scenes where Colin Farrell makes out with a 14-year old Q'Orianka Kilcher because it's making lawyers nervous that they might be making child porn.
"Farrell was told to get romantic and sensual but knew there was a certain amount of kissing involved," a source told the British mag The People. "He played the scene brilliantly and he really put Q'Orianka at her ease. But when the lawyers saw the finished product with Colin and Q'Orianka rolling around on the ground kissing they just flipped out." The lawyers were concerned about child-pornography laws, and a tamer version of the scene was reportedly re-shot.
"This is the first time I've heard of this," a New Line spokesman told The Scoop. "To my knowledge, there is no scene of this nature in the picture."
Either somebody is lying about their age, or Q'Orianka Kilcher is the oldest looking 14-year old I've ever seen. I've seen the trailer for The New World and I could have sworn that Pocahontas looked no younger than 19 or 20. So either something really fishy is going on, or I've completely lost my ability to tell age, in which case I need to make some phone calls to some lawyers. Because, uh, I like to talk to lawyers. Not for anything sick or perverted.
Thanks to the hopefully legal Erica for the tip.
Evangeline Lilly likes the beach
Here are some more pics of Evangeline Lilly taking to the beach. I gotta say, whenever I see pics of her in a bikini I'm simultaneously aroused and frightened. There's just something not quite right about her. I think it might be because she has the shoulders of an NFL linebacker. Seriously, she must bench close to 300 pounds.
Michelle Trachtenberg sorta, kinda revealed
Here is Michelle Trachtenberg, walking down the street, shopping or something. I don't know. Nor do I care. What I do care about is her see-thru top. What I care about even more is that it appears the bra beneath that top doesn't quite fit. That's either a nipple I see or some sort of giant, breast-eating mole. I hope it's the former. Hooray for boobs.
Kate Moss may have AIDS
For those of us who have slept with Kate Moss, these are scary times. For those of us who have slept with Kate Moss two dozen times in a coke-fueled orgy involving Elmer's glue, rubber sheets, and seventeen shaved parrots singing "Wicked Game", times are even scarier. But I digress. Kate Moss's ex-boyfriend and fellow junkie Pete Doherty has been urged to get an AIDS test by his HIV-infected former drug-dealer.
Dealer Owen O'Dwyer started selling heroin to Doherty three years ago, and says they used to do drugs together. "I'm terrified Pete might have HIV," O'Dwyer said. "I had no idea I had the disease when we were doing drugs — I want him to know this was not intentional. We didn't share needles but we kept our needles in the same glass. I'm worried blood on the needles may have mixed."
Well hopefully neither Pete nor Kate has AIDS. Particularly Kate. I'm not sure what kind of effects AIDS would have on a modeling career, but have to think it would blow any chances for that Christianity Today cover shoot. Or Bareback Today, for that matter.
