December 16, 2005
Jessica files divorce papers
My dream of marrying Jessica Simpson, tying her up in my attic, and tormenting her with word puzzles and the wonders of a manual can opener are one step closer to fruition. Nick Lachey is about to be set free to continue his life's work of picking up sluts at high school football games, now that Jessica has formally filed the divorce papers.
The singer cited "irreconcilable differences" and has requested that her last name be officially changed back to Simpson. She's also asking that there be no spousal support.
I wouldn't be surprised to find out those "irreconcilable differences" have less to do with cheating and more to do with Nick refusing to teach her how to read. Regardless of the cause, making the split formal now gives me the opportunity to have a ceremonial burning of Nick's effigy on my front lawn. I'm sure the neighbors will understand.
UPDATE: Here's a PDF version of the actual divorce papers, if you're into that kind of thing.
Britney thinks she's Madonna
Sometimes people just need to accept that their best days are behind them. I can't make midgets cry like I used to, just as Britney can no longer call herself spank bank material. But while I'm satisfied to look back on my glory days with a disturbing mix of shame and arousal, Britney is stubbornly setting down the Easy Cheese long enough to call up Madonna's former crew to revive her dead career.
She has told her new musical crew that she wants her next release to feature songs that are “a cross between Madonna and Kylie with an electronic edge.”
Brit, you're going to have to do more than mix in a few phone calls in between being a horrible mother and throwing cans of Spaghetti O's at K-Fed. You can start with reversing your transformation into the second coming of Anna Nicole Smith.
Ashlee Simpson hospitalized
Like herpes, Ashlee Simpson was gone for a few weeks only to resurface and make me break down and weep to the heavens, asking why God has forsaken us with such an affront to humanity. Writhing around like a panda in heat onstage has taken its toll, causing the lesser of two Simpsons to check into a hospital in Japan.
...she told the audience she felt sick and said to them, "I love you guys," Us Weekly reported Friday. She then collapsed in an elevator and was rushed by ambulance to a hospital.
Sending Ashlee to Japan must be some kind of deferred punishment for Pearl Harbor because if it's a choice between a public caning or suffering through one of her lip-synched concerts, my hands are on my ankles. My only explanation for this latest stunt is she's trying to avoid being booed out of the stadium from another bowl game. 'Tis the season, after all.
Uma Thurman has a big red nipple
I don't want to give Uma Thurman any fashion advice, but maybe an outfit that has a giant red ball on the nipple isn't the best thing to wear around in public. If she's really looking to be made fun of, she could have done something a little more subtle like a dress with a picture of a cat on the crotch. That's just as embarrassing, but at least you have to think a little for the joke. Make them work for it, Uma. Don't just plaster a giant prosthetic nipple over your boob and start wandering around town.
Tara Reid - murderer?
A new wrinkle has appeared in the case of George Smith, the man who went missing while on a honeymoon cruise with his wife in the Mediterranean. It appears that Smith ran into Tara Reid just hours before he fell overboard from the Royal Caribbean ship last July.
On MSNBC, Smith's wife said that Reid posed for a picture with her ecstatic hisband while they were visiting the Greek island of Mykonos, where Reid was filming an episode of her E! channel travel show, Taradise. "He finally worked up the courage and asked her for a picture, which I still have," Hagel-Smith said. "He was so proud of that picture."
Now I'm not saying that Tara Reid had anything to do with the disappearance and possible murder of George Smith - hmmm, on second thought yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. It may seem out of character, but again, this is Tara Reid. She's basically some sort of alcoholic vampire. She'd screw a moose for a double-shot of tequila. Hell, she might screw the moose anyway.
Teri Hatcher wins money
Teri Hatcher has accepted "very substantial" libel damages over false allegations that she had regular sex with a series of men in a van parked outside her home.
In an article published in the Daily Sport entitled "Teri's Passion Wagon", it was alleged that Hatcher "takes lovers for steamy bangs in a battered old banger." Certain statements were falsely attributed to Hatcher, including "when my van's a-rockin', don't come knockin'", and "it is sexy and hot to get to grips with a guy in my Passion Wagon". Her lawyer told the judge: "The grossly defamatory allegations are entirely false, deeply offensive and utterly without foundation."
Well this is a big relief, because when Teri and I were having regular sex in that van she sure as hell didn't mention any other guys. Or that she had a 7-year-old daughter. Or that her daughter was driving the van. Man, that bitch was kinky.
Tobey Maguire getting married, maybe
Sorry to disappoint all those guys who like their Spiderman to swing both ways, but Tobey Maguire is reportedly planning to propose to his girlfriend of two years, 28-year-old Jennifer Meyer.
According to friends, the decision to pop the question came about thanks to his best friend Leonardo DiCaprio. A source says, "Leo is still down about losing Gisele, and he told Tobey that if he really loves Jen, he should step up to the table and not twiddle his thumbs about marriage. He told me he absolutely wants to marry Jennifer in the coming year. He doesn't want to lose her!"
I don't know much about Tobey. He seems like an ok person. But getting love advice from a guy who lost arguably one of the most beautiful women on the planet might not be a good idea. Especially if that guy has been recently linked with Sienna Miller, who is about three bad dates away from a real-life re-enactment of Fatal Attraction. But hey - good luck with that.
December 15, 2005
Mariah was always a bitch
It's damn near impossible to go a week without another example of Mariah Carey making an ass of herself. But at least now we know she's been working on being a helpless primadonna with a fondness for showing off her rack since an early age.
''Believe me, diva is not a new term for me,'' Mariah says. ''I was a total glamour queen as a little girl. I have pictures of myself as a six-year-old lying on the beach posing in a bikini. The funniest thing is that I signed one of the photos like I was already a celebrity.''
Yeah, that's real funny, Mariah. About as funny as forcing people to feed you or marrying another record executive because you need someone to prop up your career. Maybe when you stop making horrible music you can branch out and release your own line of slut gear for prepubescents.
Foxy Brown is deaf
When I mean deaf I mean hard of hearing, not the slang "def" of early 90's lore. With that confusion cleared up, let's turn our attention to perhaps the second craziest woman in all of music. (not even Courtney Love in her most incoherent of stupors can hold a candle to Lil' Kim) We're talking about Foxy Brown, and it turns out she can't hear a damn thing.
"I ask only for your continued prayers and compassion as I embrace the blessings of my journey," Brown said, her voice at times choking up and tears coming to her eyes. "I am racing to the studio the moment that God affords me the opportunity to hear again," she said.
Foxy, whose real name is a not-so-foxy Inga Marchand, says she's been unable to hear for months. Maybe that's what drove her to beat up her manicurist with a cell phone. I wonder if it was the gunshots aimed toward the aforementioned Lil' Kim or the crack that took her hearing.
Rachel McAdams has a hairy nipple
You know what's sexier than Rachel McAdams slipping her nipple at the premiere of The Family Stone? Rachel McAdams slipping her nipple at the premiere of The Family Stone, only to have it discovered that she has hairy nipples. Sure it's not quite sasquatch territory, but when dealing with the female breast the maximum allowed number of hairs is zero. Any more than that and you're practically a man. I don't know the proper etiquette when it comes to nipple hair hygeine, but I imagine plucking would be the way to go. I don't picture a Schick Quattro really doing the trick.
Outrageously NSFW image and closeup after the jump. Thanks to Dean for the pics.
NOTE: When did Rachel McAdams turn into the Joker?
UPDATE: The images have been taken down at the request of Rachel McAdams' lawyer.
Matt Leinhart gropes girls, gets slapped
I don't know if this is some weird chain letter, but I received about six or seven copies of the same email yesterday detailing Heisman candidate and USC quarterback Matt Leinhart hitting on and getting slapped by a girl.
Quick story you guys might enjoy. went to a party at laurens on saturday night. about 20 people. half of us went to some random bar, the other half went to this upscale place called Marquee. anyways, these 2 pretty girls who were visiting lauren from texas went to Marquee, i didn't of course, opting for the hole in the wall with $3 beers. So yesterday morning, lauren calls me and says "Do you know some guy named Matt Line Hart?" i laugh and say yeah and don't bother to correct her. she says, well he was at Marquee last night, and hit on one of the girls from texas all night, danced with her, and then was so drunk he groped her....she turned around and slapped him, and left. i said yea yea, i doubt it even though it kinda made sense that he would be in an upscale club getting trashed after losing the heisman. i told her i'd believe the story when i saw pictures. wellll, here they are..........
I don't think Matt Leinhart even qualifies as a celebrity, but I'm always down for a good read about somebody even remotely famous getting slapped for being an ass. I'm also down with Thai prostitutes and bucket-loads of cocaine, but don't tell my mom.
Ashley Olsen disses designer
Busy being the sane Olsen twin, Ashley was understandably late for a recent Chanel fashion show in New York. Designer Karl Lagerfeld, who apparently can't get anyone else to show up for these things, held up the event hoping for Olsen to arrive. She eventually made her appearance, but had to watch everything from backstage. That's when things got interesting.
To make things worse, when Lagerfeld waved at Olsen and tried to talk to her, our source reports that "She cringed away from him like he was a stalker. Her person had to tell her who he was, but he had already whispered something nasty in French about her and was very mad."
At least now Ashley can devote more time to her acting lessons. Mary-Kate is better suited for being accosted by an elderly man with an unhealthy desire for women who are still teenagers. She can battle to the death with Lindsay Lohan for the honor of being the next Chanel whore.
Fantasia doesn't care
Why celebrities are allowed to sit on a jury is beyond me, let alone manufactured celebrities with frightening teeth. But if they're going to get on and earn their 8 bucks a day, they might as well finish the job. American Idol winner Fantasia should be deciding someone's fate, but instead she decided performing in a benefit concert in New York is more important.
Testimony took less than a day, and Judge W. David Lee sent jurors out to deliberate late Wednesday, Keller said. But when it became apparent that deliberations would continue into Thursday, lawyers agreed that Barrino was free to go.
Actually, if I'm the defendant I'm praising sweet bloody Christ on the cross that Fantasia got bored with being a juror. She can't read the judge's instructions, so what makes you think she would be able to understand evidence, testimony, or anything that doesn't involve scaring children across America.
K-Fed making outrageous demands
It was one thing when Kevin Federline was just spending Britney's money on the occasional strippers in Vegas, pot and unneccessary sports cars. But now he's wondering if he can take her for an amount that would make Anna Nicole Smith blush.
According to America's In Touch Weekly magazine, during this tempestuous period of his marriage former dancer Kevin consulted lawyers to ask whether he could demand a "$125 million settlement" if the marriage ended.
I'm not even sure Britney has $125 million after blowing some of her fortune on Cheetos, psychics and traumatic life-like nativity scenes for the baby's bedroom. In real people's court, K-Fed would be laughed back to the county fair dance-a-thon from whence he came. But considering Britney's first marriage lasted for a couple a days, this union is like 20 years in comparison. Damn, maybe he has a chance.
Gisele Bundchen has officially moved on
In my dreams I've always imagined that I had a chance of scoring with Gisele Bundchen after she dumped Leonardo DiCaprio, but those dreams die today as I'm faced with the reality of her relationship with Kelly Slater. If all it takes to woo Gisele Bundchen is to win six seven world championship surfing titles, then damnit that's what I'm going to do. And by "win six seven world championship surfing titles" I mean club her over the head and lock her in my closet.
A Jackson Reality TV Show?
Get ready to set your Tivo - a reality TV show featuring members of Michael Jackson's family trying to make a pop comeback is in the works. The project would follow the sons of Jackson's brother Tito as they try to resurrect their 1990s boyband 3T, which was basically a cross between Menudo and the Wiggles.
In the pilot, the siblings receive help from relatives including LaToya and Jermaine Jackson, but have to overcome prejudices surrounding their Uncle Michael. The pilot does contain footage of Michael with the former 3T members.
If they're getting help on making it big in the music biz from LaToya and Jermaine, they might as well name their group Gay Jesus and hit the christian rock circuit. This is like asking Rosie O'Donnell for help with swimsuit modeling. But best of luck to them. I have a sneaking suspicion they'll need it.
Jennifer Aniston Not Pregnant
Jennifer Aniston has laughed off reports she is pregnant with Vince Vaughn's baby. She said the baby could be anyone's (note: she didn't actually say that). But she did say the following:
"You know what? If all these (pregnancy rumors were true), I should have had 10 babies by now, married five times. I swear when it happens, you'll hear it." In magazine In Style , Aniston admits it took nearly a year of "hard work and soul-searching" before she was ready to date again. She said "You just wake up one day and you start to feel like, yeah, I think I'm open to that now. I hope to be on the road to having a family in the next year. Ideally, I'd like to have a couple (of children), but who knows?"
You hear that sound? It's Jennifer's biological clock, and it's ticking. She missed her chance of birthing an Ubermensch with Brad , and it'll be interesting to see what happens if this thing with Vince Vaughn doesn't work out. She could be on the first steps of a very long downward spiral, eventually ending in drunken, back-alley sex with a total stranger. A stranger named Carrot Top.
Ozzy Osbourne slams Pete Doherty
Ozzy Osbourne says he's angry that Pete Doherty - who was recently dumped by supermodel Kate Moss for his ongoing drug use - is unwilling to quit his wild lifestyle.
Ozzy says: "I get angry seeing this little f***ing junkie, Pete Doherty. Doesn't he realise that if he carries on he's gonna die?" Ozzy also talked about his experience with groupies, saying "When the thought of sex finally filtered through the haze of booze, all the good-looking groupies had gone home. You'd wake up and there'd be this thing lying there looking like something Picasso had painted on a bad day."
There's a joke here somewhere about pots and kettles (not to mention black), but suffice it to say that the only advice Ozzy is really qualified to give is on eating vomit, pissing on the Alamo, or turning your daughter into a hungry muppet. The thought of him having sex with anything is kinda terrifying.
December 14, 2005
UPDATE: Pam Anderson too hot for TV
It might be time to start calling NBC the No Breasts Channel. The network pulled a segment from an Elton John special that aired Monday night featuring mega-slut Pam Anderson doing some kind of stripper pole routine on a big screen.
After an assessment by its standards and practices department the network decided the material didn't mesh with the time slot.
You know what else doesn't mesh? Pam Anderson and Elton John's audience. I doubt a bunch of middle aged queers and baby-boomer housewives want to see a walking STD shake what her surgeon gave her. Not surprisingly, a video featuring Justin Timberlake was left intact. That's more like it. Now if I can just shake the mental image of Pam teaching the stripper routine to Courtney Love during one of their workouts I'll be good to go.
UPDATE: Here's a link to the segment that got pulled thanks to the help of our sexy commenters. It's not nearly as pornographic as you might imagine, but I can see why the networks might be a little concerned. Upper right corner in case you've forgotten how to use the internet.
Master P saves "Dancing with the Stars"
Just when I thought the upcoming season of "Dancing with the Stars" would be lost forever with the absence of teen rapper Romeo, along comes Master P to coax me out of the fetal position. P (as I call him) will take his son's place, after he went down with a baseketball injury.
The pairs will perform choreographed dance routines which will be judged by a panel of dance experts: Former dancers Len Goodman, Bruno Tonioli and dancer/choreographer Carrie Ann Inaba. The viewing public also gets to weigh in, by phoning in or voting online for their favorite performers.
I though this show couldn't get any better when Nick Lachey's brother was added to the list of has-beens and never-weres. But now there's the off chance of someone stepping on P's kicks, naturally leading to an all-out gunbattle on the dance floor.
Here comes another Lohan
All the Lohan stalkers already know about her little sister's impending fame, but this is the first I've heard of Ali. Since Dad did an ear bleedingly efficient job turning Lindsey into a no talent nutcase with anorexic tendencies, Momma Lohan will surely be pulling out all the stops to out-do him.
Ali — who will be managed by her mom Dina — recently starred in Lindsay's music video Confessions Of A Broken Heart, based on their stormy relationship with 44-year-old father Michael. Ali plays Lindsay in the video and is seen tearing her hair out as her father punches her mother. Lindsay, who also began her career when she was 12, recently said of Ali's performance: "I cried when I saw it. It is like therapy in a way."
This is wrong on so many levels: forcing a 12-year-old to relive the abusive antics of her deranged father, having Lindsay be her measuring stick for success, or simply having to be born into such a disfunctional family. It's going to take all night to rank which will force this girl to develop a drug problem first. Then In about six years, we can all look forward to the Penthouse super celebrity skank edition, featuring a showdown among the Spears and Lohan sisters.
Bob Dylan to host radio show
You can call Bob Dylan a lot of things. Musical genius, dirty hippie, folk music icon... they all work. One thing he will never be called is intelligible, but that's not stopping XM satellite radio from giving the singer his own radio show.
The hour-long show will be a mix of music hand-selected by Dylan as well as commentary and interviews by him...
Is XM this hard up for hosts that they have to get a guy who can't be understood for love or money? What's next? Pam Anderson teaches a class on safe sex? Michael Jackson moonlights as a financial adviser? Ashlee Simpson becomes a singer?
Evangeline Lilly can't find dates
Looks like before she got famous, Evangeline Lilly filmed some commercials for Livelinks in 2002. I've seen them about a million times while watching Conan O'Brien, I just never made the connection in my brain that it was her. I was always too busy unzipping my pants and getting my phone ready because the pretty girl on TV told me all the cool people call in to chat with "real" girls. Real! Look at me now, ma! I'm talking to real girls!
Nicole Kidman feigns modesty
Oscar winner and Tom Cruise victim Nicole Kidman says having the chest of an 11-year-old boy is no big deal. In a recent interview, she says she accepts her shortcomings, and is in no rush to show off her tiny tatas.
She told Grazia magazine: "I'm not very big on revealing clothes. If I show a bit of skin in one place, I'll cover the rest. I'm not big on a lot of cleavage - not that I have a lot of cleavage!"
I guess if you have a career like Kidman's, then it doesn't matter if you look like a guard for the Sacramento Monarchs. I never understood why she's considered among the most beautiful women in entertainment. I'd rather stare at a paraplegic prostitute than watch any of Nicole's movies.
Jessica Alba is stuck-up
When a member of your own entourage calls you a bitch, you might want to reconsider the way you conduct yourself. Then again, if you look like Jessica Alba, it probably doesn't matter much.
When head promoter Gordon Nicol asked if she would pose for a photo, Alba turned him down flat. When Nicol pointed out that celebs like Madonna, Hilary Duff and Selma Blair had all posed, Alba supposedly snapped, "I don't care!" and walked away. At that point, one of Alba's entourage told Nicol, "She's a bitch — sorry."
I'd be heartbroken if I could muster up enough strength and creativity to feign an interest in her personality. Have you seen her ass? I'm just saying.
Brandon Routh is packing
Brandon Routh, who is set to play Superman in the upcoming movie, must be feeling that same pride I felt when I realized I needed to switch from Magnum to MagnumXL condoms. The actor's package will be digitally reduced because the movie execs found it too distracting.
The new Superman is giving movie bosses a headache - because of the size of his bulge.They fear Brandon Routh's profile in the superhero's skintight costume could be distracting, reports the Sun.
Hollywood executives have ordered the makers of Superman Returns to cover it up with digital effects.
The Sun's source said: "It's a major issue for the studio. Brandon is extremely well endowed and they don't want it up on the big screen.
Not only is this more proof that Hollywood executives ruin everything, but it suggests they have no interest in accurately portraying Kal-El (not that Kal-El) Think about it, Superman was definitely hung. All Kryptonians were. It has to do with gravity. It's science.
K-Fed rips Britney
Britney Spears has hit out at reports that her husband Kevin Federline recently slammed their marriage.
In a new report by In Touch Weekly , Federline seemingly criticizes his wife's attitude towards their marriage. He is quoted as saying, "I love her. But ask me now about life apart from Britney, and all I can say is, 'Can it be any worse than living with her?' I am doing what she wanted, getting out of the house and trying to find work, but I do that and she trashes my efforts. She just wants me at her beck and call as a little house husband. Marriage is something you don't go into lightly. She has to learn she can't just pick me up and dump me off, like her first husband." But Spears' spokesperson hit out at the report: "The story is untrue and hurtful and he didn't give them an interview. He and Britney are as normal as other couples, they fight and they make up. They are fine and happy."
I'll just assume the quote attributed to Kevin is true. Unless it involves Britney joining Mensa or Kevin winning the spoken word grammy, I'll believe every story I read about them. I particularly like the part where he talks about trying to find work. Where, exactly? If you're a guy, and all your resume says is 'professional dancer', the only jobs you're really qualified for involve g-strings, body-wax, and rousing games of Mr. Tickle-Feather with guys in leather skirts. Good luck with that Kev.
Cruise continues his drive towards Crazytown
Tom Cruise will appear at at a fundraiser tonight for a controversial Scientology program that claims to heal firefighters and rescue workers who breathed toxic smoke on 9/11.
Doctors, however, say Cruise's "purification rundown" is nothing but worthless quackery consisting of sauna sweating, ingestion of cooking oil and large doses of niacin. The program could actually be harmful, because Cruise and company advise everyone to stop taking their prescription medications or using inhalers, just as he criticized Brooke Shields for taking anti-depressants to relieve her postpartum depression.
When the words 'Tom Cruise', 'sauna sweating' and 'cooking oil' come together in a story, I also fully expect to see some combination of the words 'publicist rigorously denies' and 'drunken ass-pirates'. My mistake (this time). But it now seems only a matter of time before Tom Cruise's quasi-medicine indirectly kills someone. Hopefully that someone will be Tom Cruise.
Annie Lennox is not friendly
Annie Lennox, proving you're never too washed-up to be a bitch, reportedly snubbed Orlando Bloom because she thought he was just a fan. The awkward meeting occurred at a screening of Annie Hall in London.
When Orlando asked for her autograph, she allegedly told him: "I just want a quiet night. Please leave me alone and get a life." A source told the Daily Star that "It was like watching a car crash unfold. Nobody could understand why she was being so rude to Orlando of all people. It was difficult to believe she didn't know who he was. But it turns out she genuinely thought he was an unusually good-looking fan." Annie was said to be horrified when she realised her mistake, and rushed over to apologize. She quickly gave Orlando an autograph and he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.
Oh, I see. It's fine to be a total bitch to a loyal fan who just wants an autograph - I mean, who the fuck are they, anyway? It's not like they made you rich or famous. But if the fan happens to be famous, then they're worthy of attention. Then you can spare five seconds of time to put pen to paper. I can't imagine that Annie Lennox has a lot of people bugging her for autographs anyway, unless we've magically travelled back in time to 1983. But considering I'm not sitting in my Yoda underoos getting strange tingly sensations whenever Daisy Duke appears on tv, I'll take that as a no.
December 13, 2005
J-Lo wants a baby, won't get one
Slowly but surely realizing she's become nothing more than Skeletor's trophy wife, Jennifer Lopez is feeling like she missed out on a golden opportunity to crap out a kid. With the recent birth of former fiancee Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's baby, J-Lo is wondering why husband Marc Anthony won't give her one of her own.
A friend of the couple says the issue must be especially stressful given that "Jennifer has a strong mothering instinct. Having a baby would mean more to her than winning a Grammy or an Oscar."
I imagine it would mean more than a Grammy or Oscar, because the likelihood of her winning either is on par with me being the man to impregnate J-Lo with my unholy seed. If she still is Jenny from the block, it might be time to work one of the corners and find baby's daddy.
Dave Chappelle sued by former manager
Dave Chappelle's break from reality is coming back to bite him in the ass. The comedian's former manager is suing to get some of the money he helped Dave earn, before he decided to run off to South Africa and eat lemur pellets, bathe in the blood of slaughtered colonists and generally turn into another maladjusted celebrity with no concept of the real world.
But after Chappelle returned from his unannounced spiritual retreat to South Africa last June, he told Abuelhija that his services would no longer be needed and dismissed him with only a "paltry $40,000 as an 'advance' against the sum" that Abuelhija claimed he was owed, per the complaint.
I would be pretty bent out of shape too if I got dumped at the drop of a hat for a guy who was the tribal witchdoctor a week earlier. Don't get me wrong Chappelle is a funny guy, but seriously, try to treat the help a little better than that.
Kate Beckinsale works out
There's something ironic about smoking cigarettes after a good workout, but considering Kate Beckinsale is looking as puppy-blenderingly hot as she is, she must be doing something right. Because do you know how hot you have to be before I start blendering puppies? Pretty damn hot, my friend. Pretty damn hot.
More images of Kate in her weird workout outfit after the jump.
Robbie Williams is too rich to be happy
Britain's best-known closet homosexual Robbie Williams believes he'd have a better chance of finding love if he was destitute.
He says, "Money's nothing to do with happiness. Sometimes I feel like cashing everything in and giving it all away. Sometimes I think my life would be easier if I didn't even have £100. Then I could walk the streets as a free man, meet a girl and live a quiet life."
As often as I've heard celebrities moan about how difficult it is to be rich, I've never seen any of them actually give their money away. Somehow they find the inner strength to go on living in mansions, driving luxury cars, being treated like royalty and banging the help. If Robbie Williams has a hard time finding girls while rich and famous, I can only assume he has some sort of cancer-causing penis. And I don't care how poor you are, that's never gonna work.
Playboy models: drunk, desperate, and denied
Playboy models Danielle Gamba and Carrie Minter were recently arrested after Gamba made sexual advances to a pair of cops who were questioning them about their getting plastered and disrupting an airline flight to San Antonio.
The cops not only turned down Gamba, 23, and Minter, 22, but they busted them for public intoxication. According to a police report posted on The Smoking Gun, the two got hammered on a two-hour from Denver to San Antonio, where they were due to appear at a lingerie show.
The first question that comes to my mind is: who the hell were these cops? Did they have mustaches? Were they surrounded by a bunch of scantily-clad construction workers and indian chiefs singing "YMCA"? That's the only explanation I can think of. I have nothing against proper law enforcement, but good god - if you have two drunken playmates making sexual advances at you, the only handcuffs involved should be attached to a bedpost.
Kate Moss is scared of England
Model-cum-cokehead Kate Moss will stay in the United States instead of returning to Britain, where police have announced they want to prosecute her for possession of cocaine.
Moss is supposedly worried that a drugs conviction would make it difficult or impossible for her to re-enter the U.S. and work. A source close to Moss told the London Daily Mail, "Although her plan has always been to return to Britain for Christmas, if work commitments mean she needs to stay in the U.S., she will."
I'm not sure what she's so worried about. Scoring coke should be just as easy inside prison as out. And trading sex for cigarettes isn't generally a problem for most international supermodels (though they generally don't like the sex as much when it involves dressing up like Big Bird. But hey, you never know till you try). The prison diet, however, may pose a problem. If she loses any more weight she may turn into a twizzler. Tasty? Yes. Sexy? Not so much.
December 12, 2005
Paris Hilton hates Tinkerbell
Going through pets like Pam Anderson goes through STDs from abusive rock stars will probably earn you a distinction like this. Paris Hilton has been voted "worst celebrity dog owner" in an online poll of readers from two prominent dog magazines.
"First she loses Tinkerbell, then she ditches her for a cuter dog, then replaces that dog with a ferret, then a kinkajou monkey and then, I gather, a goat," Padgett said in a statement. "Recently Tinkerbell was spotted back in Paris' arms. But how long will she be in favor this time?"
I'm not sure I've heard about the goat just yet, but I can only imagine it will have a role in Paris' yet to be leaked sex tape with Stavros. No doubt she'll be wearing the lingerie hand picked by the monkey. One can only hope the next pet will be a chicken from Asia, so that she can drop dead from bird flu. Her discarded pets will rejoice by feasting on her corpse.
Brooke Burns is not a cripple
Remember when Brooke Burns broke her neck after jumping off her diving board and hitting her head? Well looks like she's recovered enough to start making public appearances again. And golly, if that isn't the snazziest looking neck brace I've ever seen. All she needs are a couple of diamonds and white gold plating and you'd think it was a fashion accessory instead of a medical device.
Colin Farrell overdoses
We've got various reports going that Colin Farrell has either overdosed on a tremendous amount of drugs or he's checked himself into a hospital for exhaustion and dependency on prescription medication. Most of the respectable news agencies are going with the exhaustion angle, but I like to think outside the box so I'm just going to go ahead and say that he totally overdosed. Plus reader Anabelle sent in this link to a French Canadian newspaper that says he overdosed, and even provided this brilliant translation:
they found cocaine, marijuana and non-identified (is it even a word?) drugs in his blood. and he's still alive. and blah blah blah, not really good at translating stuff.
I can't read a lick of French, so for all I know it says he passed out after a night of love-making to a donkey, but I'll take Anabelle's word and assume he overdosed. Maybe after a night of love-making to his donkey friend Enrique?
Angelina still likes clam
It seems that amidst all the husband-stealing, kidnapping, and "world-saving," Angelina Jolie was still able to find time to have sex with a woman. I say good for her. Former lover Jenny Shimizu has come forward saying that she and Angelina have had an ongoing affair over the last decade.
Angelina Jolie’s lesbian lover has given this warning to the star’s boyfriend Brad Pitt: “There has never been an ending to her and I. I think there never will be.”Supermodel Jenny Shimizu adds: “I think we will continue to have a deep relationship. It really does go beyond just the sex.”
Jenny has spoken for the first time about her steamy ten-year relationship with bisexual Angelina and her belief that Brad’s relationship may be short-lived.
Tattooed Jenny says: “She’s always had lovers that she relies on. If she can ring you and you can meet up then she can take care of her sexual needs.
Unfortunately, I know what Jenny Shimizu looks like, so any chance I’ll be using this visual later on is shot. If you aren’t familiar with her, don’t look her up. It’s better that way, trust me. Keep the dream alive.
December 11, 2005
Rachel and Ryan won't admit they're together
Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling are trying to keep a close lid on their unusually healthy relationship. Ever since re-enacting their "Best Kiss" at the MTV Movie Awards, the two have been conjoined at the genitals, despite their Brangelina-like approach.
Although representatives for both Gosling and McAdams refused to confirm whether they're hot and heavy, the duo have been spotted engaging in all manner of couple-like activities, from grocery shopping a deux, mutual dog-walking and even sharing a 48-ounce steak at a Morton's in Nashville.
Gosling used to hit Sandra Bullock, so it's nice to see he's moved on to someone under 40. I really hope he does something to screw this lovefest up too. Rachel is too perfect of a woman to be tainted by someone of his ilk. And really, if Nicole and DJ AM couldn't make it, then no one can.
Chris Rock will not host the Oscars
Your only reason for watching the Oscars is gone. The Academy has decided to find a new host for the upcoming awards show. It turns out Chris Rock pissed off the wrong people by pointing out the obvious during last year's event.
Word is, Rock alienated some academy members when he hosted the award show because he mocked the very thesphood of such thespians as Tobey Maguire and Jude Law. An enraged Sean Penn stood up to defend Law, saying the Brit was ``one of our finest actors.''
Great, now I'll probably have to marvel at 3 and a half hours of Whoopi Goldberg's comedic prowess. Or even better, Billy Crystal. It's clear that they're trying to kill off an already dwindling audience, so why not just bring in Gallagher and get it over with?
