December 10, 2005
Sopranos castoff will be in jail for a long time
I don't know if this is supposed to be a horrific form of character research or some kind of death wish. Either way, Lillo Brancato Jr. won't have to worry about sweating another audition for "The Sopranos." Instead he'll be sweating shower time in cell block B after getting arrested for not only attempted burglary, but also murder of an NYPD officer during a shootout in the Bronx. The good news is the cop nearly took Brancato and his sidekick out.
The wounded suspects were quickly captured. Investigators identified one as Lillo Brancato Jr., an actor who got his break in the Robert De Niro-directed film "A Bronx Tale" in 1993, and played doomed mob wannabe Matt Bevilacqua during the 1999-2000 season of "The Sopranos."
Hopefully this assclown survives so "The Sopranos" can make an episode out of his execution. I'm sure James Gandolfini will have plenty of time to cook something up since that show puts out a new season as often as the World Cup.
UPDATE: Thanks to the help of our readers, I've discovered this guy was already offed on an episode of The Sopranos. Ok, I get it. Don't ridicule me because I blew my plasma money on beanie babies instead of a subscription to HBO.
Richard Pryor passes away
Richard Pryor died earlier today of a heart attack. He was 65 years old and had been fighting multiple sclerosis for several years. He was one of the greats. If you like Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle or damn near any comedian today, you can thank Richard for being one of their biggest influences.
Pryor once marveled "that I live in racist America and I'm uneducated, yet a lot of people love me and like what I do, and I can make a living from it. You can't do much better than that."
No big juggs for Mischa Barton
This story really pisses me off. "The OC" star Mischa Barton says she will never get a boob job. I guess she's happy with her Olsen twins/Keira Knightly look.
When asked if she would prefer bigger breasts and more curves like co-star Rachel Bilson, Mischa told Bliss magazine: "No! I feel tall and lanky next to her, but I'd be scared of having her boobs and voluptuousness!
You just don't get it, do you Mischa? You're slippin' on your duty to portray a freakish sense of beauty to your 14-year-old girl fan base. You've given us Auschwitz thin, now we need a little more Angelina rack. Get to work and stop toying with me.
December 9, 2005
Kate Moss will sell you a cell phone
The latest stop on Kate Moss' road map to sobriety is a commercial pitching cell phones. The strung out supermodel will star in a television ad debuting Christmas Eve in the UK for Virgin Mobile.
"Kate Moss is an icon," said James Kydd, brand director of Virgin Mobile. "We are thrilled that she has agreed to appear in our latest commercial. In return, the least we can do is make it really funny."
They can do a hell of a lot more than make it funny. They can also mix in a kilo of coke and a copy of Dance Dance Revolution. That way Kate can dance around naked until New Year's.
Michael Jackson hospitalized
The National Enquirer is reporting that Michael Jackson is in critical condition after a drug overdose in Bahrain.
Michael Jackson has suffered an overdose from drugs and alcohol and is said to be in a critical condition in Bahrain.That is what the National Enquirer can reveal police in Santa Barbara, California, have been told by a source close to the singer's family.
I don't want anyone to die. Say a prayer. If you're not religious then you can hope that the National Enquirer's sources suck.
UPDATE: Michael Jackson's spokesperson has a released a statement to Access Hollywood claiming the rumors of him overdosing are completely false. Looks like you can stop feeling sorry for him and go back to being afraid of leaving your children alone with him.
Matt Damon marries Luciana Barroso
Matt Damon and Luciana Barroso got married this morning; one day after Matt announced that he knocked her up.
Us Weekly has learned exclusively that actor Matt Damon, 35, and girlfriend of two years Luciana Bozan, 29, got married this morning in New York City in a brief ceremony officiated by a justice of the peace. Damon's publicist Jennifer Allen confirmed the wedding to Us. Sources tell Us that Damon and Bozan, a former bartender who is about three months pregnant and has a 7-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, exchanged vows in front of Bozan's daughter Alexa. A source at New York City Hall confirms to Us that the couple wed this morning inside city hall. ''They did it real quick and then started calling all their friends with the good news,'' says a Damon pal. ''It's not a secret. They're telling everyone.''
It's nice to see that Matt was able to use his millions of dollars to give his fiancee the wedding she always dreamed of: a quick little diddy inside city hall. But I guess when you're desperately trying to cover up your little mistake, throwing a lavish wedding ceremony isn't at the top of your 'to do' list.
Nick Lachey's brother is a dancing queen
ABC has announced its roster for the new season of the wildly offensive to the eyes "Dancing with the Stars." The list is full of C-list celebrities and former athletes, but the one that caught my eye is Drew Lachey. I guess if your brother is considered the star of the family for having a reality show based on him and his mentally retarded wife, then this is clearly the logical step. If watching Drew trip the lights fantastic isn't already spasm inducing, you'll be treated to an extra half-hour per week.
This year, the show has been expanded to 90 minutes to accommodate the cast, which has expanded from six couples to 10.
The only redeeming nugget out of all of this is that I'll get to ogle Stacy Kiebler. But now that I've said this, it's a lock that she'll be paired with the above mentioned turd.
Scarlett Johansson at Match Point premiere
Even if she does expect cars and unicorns for Christmas, the fact that Scarlett Johansson can squeeze into a tight dress and has no problem pushing her breasts up for the world to see make her okay in my book. There aren't many modern women around that are still willing to pander to the male species by getting their breasts as ginormous as possible, and that's why a class act like Scarlett Johansson will be loved forever. And by 'loved' I mean masturbated to. And by 'forever' I mean until she gets old. Because old people are gross and smelly.
Jennifer Aniston is bitter
Jennifer Aniston recently engaged in that age-old rite of bitter women everywhere - eating the young. Although technically, it may be more 'accurate' and less of a 'lie' to say she simply torched her wedding dress.
According to Grazia magazine, Jennifer set fire to the Lawrence Steele dress during a gathering with her friends. She allegedly drank champagne and laughed with her friends during the burning outside her Malibu beach home. Other relationship items, including letters, were also on the fire.
Although some might say that selling the dress for charity might have been an even better idea than burning it to ash, her motives are understandable. If your current boyfriend is Vince Vaughn, you sure as hell don't want any reminders that you were once married to Brad Pitt. I mean, if I had pics of Brad Pitt on the walls and suddenly rolled over in bed to see Vince Vaughn, I'd be like "holy crap I'm gay!" But then I'd be like "I can do better than this. I'll have to give Tom Cruise another chance."
Thanks to Jessica for the tip
David Arquette In Sex Scandal
Boy, that's a headline I never thought I'd write (along with "Britney passes bar exam" and "Oprah in Playboy"). But it just goes to show that some sins come back to haunt you. Stripper Erika Keith has pictures to corroborate her story that she enjoyed a night of passion with David Arquette in 1997, a year after he started dating Courtney Cox. The 32-year-old Keith, now a masseuse, has also passed a lie detector test.
She performed all-nude lap dances for Arquette at an Atlanta, Georgia, club, and slipped him her phone number. Arquette then allegedly met up with her and some friends at a bar the next night for drinking and sex. They ended up back at her apartment where, she says, "We had sex on the floor once, maybe twice. He was a good lover, but it was drunken sex so it was aggressive." Keith's claims have been corroborated by a friend, who sat in the former stripper's lounge while the two had sex.
By all rights David Arquette's life should consist of working at Bob Evans, smoking copious amounts of pot, and masturbating to The O.C.. But that's the goddamn thing about fame. You can look like a wet gopher and still have Monica Gellar on one hand and strippers giving you phone numbers in the other. God bless America.
Mary-Kate not bookish
Mary-Kate Olsen has revealed why she dropped out of NYU and moved back to Los Angeles.
"I'm happy that I kind of realized that, OK, I just need to take care of myself right now," she told W. "I need to be able to go to yoga and work out and just read scripts and go on auditions, because that's what makes me happy. You know? Like, papers don't really make me happy."
Papers generally don't make anyone happy. What it makes them is educated. I'll admit that having your ass wiped with hundred dollar bills since the age of two does make education somewhat less important. But if it keeps you from saying 'like, you know?' and helps you understand that eating = life, starving = death, then maybe it was worth it. Hmmm, then again maybe not.
Marcia Cross hates the housewives
Making decisions is usually pretty easy as a celebrity. Which drug should I get addicted to? Which plastic surgeon should I blow for some extra botox? Should I invite people I despise to my sham wedding? Desperate almost-housewife Marcia Cross is torn with the latter.
Her in list includes longtime friend Nicollette Sheridan and newfound one Felicity Huffman, the source notes. But having butted heads with Teri Hatcher and having "never connected" with Eva Longoria, Marcia, 43, prefers to leave them out.
If I was a chick, I wouldn't want Eva Longoria at my wedding either. Chances are you'd catch her having sex with all three groomsmen on top of what's left of the cake by the end of the day. What? She's already admitted her whorish ways.
Keira Knightly loves shoes, still hates food
When I was a kid, I was always told to eat up because there are people in Africa who are starving. Keira Knightly never followed those orders for food, and apparently the same goes for footwear. The "Pirates of the Caribbean" star is addicted to shoes, size be damned.
"I look at them and go: 'Oh it doesn’t matter that I can’t wear them – they’re so pretty!'"
This shouldn't come as too big of a surprise. Keira has certainly tried to wear clothes that don't fit properly in the past. I doubt her unnecessary buying begins and ends with shoes. She probably has a fridge full of food that she just stares at for hours on end. Sure, she'll never eat the stuff, but the flickering of the fluorescent light on the cold cuts is ample entertainment. She has the body of a 6th grader, and clearly a mind to match.
Wilmer to be a CHiP
Hollywood's obsession with re-making crappy 70's tv shows into big screen blockbusters knows no end. This time, we're going to be tortured with the movie version of CHiPs. And even worse, Wilmer Valderrama will play "Ponch."
The movie will be an action-comedy set in the present day. The formula has worked well for Warner [Bros.], which has had success with recent TV-to-film translations such as "Starsky & Hutch" and "The Dukes of Hazzard."
According to the Hollywood Reporter, whoever is producing this horrifyingly bad idea is building it all around Wilmer. If I'm going to be subjected to this, then it damn well better be historically accurate for the time period. That means lots of casual, unprotected, coke fueled group sex. Wilmer can certainly draw on his long list of unexplicable conquests for cameos.
December 8, 2005
Mariah Carey might be a little lazy
You know how you thought Mariah Carey was a spoiled lazy diva? Yeah, you were 100% not wrong about that at all.
A brunette assistant had to perform the task at regular intervals while the singer signed copies of her album The Emancipation of Mimi. Mariah, 35, also told fans in London’s Oxford Street she did not drive any more because she was “always too distracted returning the radio to another station and putting on lip gloss”.
Ben puts down cigarette, picks up baby wipes
People has the latest on Ben and Jen's new kid. Apparently it doesn't take much to be considered a good father in Hollywood. However, if the main competition is K-Fed, then I guess he wins by default.
"Ben has been changing diapers. He's an amazing father," says a friend of the couple's. "I don't know if I've ever seen anybody happier. He's already wrapped around Violet's little finger."
It's only a matter of time before this all goes downhill. Within the next couple of months, Ben will set one of those diapers on fire with a smoldering cigarette butt. Jennifer will then dropkick him out of the house. A couple of weeks later Ben is wandering the Vegas strip aimlessly after losing a couple of million on a hand of Pai Gow.
Mariah ties for most Grammy nominations
She was robbed for her efforts on "Glitter" and now Mariah Carey is getting revenge with 8 Grammy nominations for "The Emancipation of Mimi." She is tied with R&B singer John Legend, and general imbecile Kanye West for the lead in this year's nominations, which were announced this morning in New York.
Carey and Legend were among the presenters who gathered at Gotham Hall to announce the nominees, which included veterans such as U2, Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen and Stevie Wonder and other stars such as Sheryl Crow, Coldplay and No Doubt frontwoman Gwen Stefani.
Guess who wasn't a presenter? You got it, Kanye. The academy would rather have the guy from Nickelback announce the nominees than hear the college dropout opine on his racial injustice cause of the moment. I know if I had the choice over an incoherent Kanye rant and a colonoscopy performed by Muhammad Ali, I would already be shopping for ass pillows.
Matt Damon knocks up fiancee
Matt Damon is like that kid down the street who was a couple of years younger than you while growing up. Whatever you did, be it joining the football team, having your first cigarette, or catching your first STD, he would always be about six months late with his inadequate imitation. Well now, like clockwork, Damon has impregnated his unbelievably hot fiancee, Luciana Borroso.
Matt Damon and fianceé Luciana Barroso are expecting their first child together, Access Hollywood has learned. Luciana is three months pregnant.
What angers me more than his Matt's zeal to be like Ben Affleck is the fact that he is spreading his seed. This poor woman should not be defiled in this manner. Hopefully this is all just a sick joke.
Demi Moore wants us to be beautiful
At 43, Demi Moore is looking pretty good, so she's doing what anybody would do and has started her own line of skincare products. Now, we can all reap the benefits of Demi’s tricks of the trade.
Demi Moore just may become the next Estee Lauder. The actress recently revealed that she's developing a skincare line with Beverly Hills cosmetologist Terri Lawton – and judging by her appearance, she could certainly be the spokeswoman for it as well.
The line will feature Demi brand anesthesia, needles, scalpels, and thread.
Jake Gyllenhaal is attracted to his sister
Depending on the type of person you are, you're about to start liking Jake Gyllenhaal a whole lot more or never watch another one of his movies. I thought I was crazy for sensing a little sexual tension between Jake and sister Maggie in Donnie Darko, but I'm not crazy. In fact, I'm really smart and perceptive.
When asked how he feels about seeing his sister in a naked scene, Jake confessed: "It's great I'm sort of saying, 'Yeah, it's right. Show them what it's all about!'
Yep, he's a pervert.
Kevin Federline's credit cards are mostly worthless
Britney Spears miscalculated two things. First, that she would be still be remotely attractive at the age of 24, and secondly that her lawyers would figure out a way to charge per ounce on the semen spilled due to her videos. Neither of these panned out. (I’m guessing the second one was crushed due to the Vatican.) Anyways, she’s poor and doesn’t need the human leech that is Kevin Federline bleeding her dry.
New mom Britney Spears has reportedly headed south to Louisiana to re-group following her wild weekend where she booted hubby Kevin Federline out of their California home. But she didn't leave before making sure she let K-Fed know exactly who was the boss. Reportedly the pop tart has cancelled Federline's credit cards, according to Us Weekly.
I imagine that Federline was distraught at first, but found comfort when he realized he can still use the credit cards to sort lines of coke and jimmy open locks.
Whitney Houston might be a monster
I've always said that there's nothing sexier than Whitney Houston looking like a crazy old woman who kidnaps children and eats them in the woods. Because there isn't.
50 Cent can't get the girls
50 Cent reportedly slunk out of a party thrown for him at a Paris nightclub after being snubbed by all the pretty girls inside.
A partygoer in the VIP room told the Daily Mirror newspaper: "The party was thrown in his honour but instead of getting into it he just sat there looking sulky, drinking his free champagne. He looked as if he was waiting to be surrounded by gorgeous girls vying for his attention. But the girls pretty much ignored him. After a while, one of his goons approached two good-looking girls and asked them to join Fiddy at his table, but they refused."
50 Cent can't get the ladies? Right. Next you'll be telling me that he parties with little Jewish girls. Maybe they didn't recognize him. I see that this party was in Paris, so maybe the hot girls couldn't get through the pack of gay men vying for his attention. Maybe they were frightened when his drinks kept leaking from the forty-six bullet holes in his body. But if 50 Cent can't score, what hope do the rest of us have? That's right - roofies.
Paris Hilton has skin blemishes
Here's Paris Hilton, sporting what appears to be a hickey. Or AIDS - it could be AIDS. I'm not sure who the guy was that gave it to her. I just hope, for his sake, that he was first in line for the gangbang. Of course being first in line for a Paris Hilton gangbang is like being the first kid in kindergarten to tie your shoes. It's nice and all, but almost everyone else in the world has already done it. Even lepers.
Gwyneth Paltrow to America: Grow a Pair
Until now, I had never fully considered the possibility that Gwyneth Paltrow’s body is co-inhabited by the spirit of an 82 year-old World War II vet. Recent comments by the actress suggest that she subscribes to the same “crying makes your testicles shrink” mentality as dear and beloved grandfather. Also, her tits are wrinkled and saggy.
American actress Gwyneth Paltrow has praised Londoners for their resilience after the British capital's transport network was attacked by suicide bombers on 7 July (05).
The Shakespeare in Love beauty, who lives in London with her rock star husband Chris Martin and daughter Apple, admits she is amazed by the locals' courage in the face of adversity.She says, "I find the English amazing how they got over 7/7. There were no multiple memorials with people sobbing as they would have been in America. There, they are constantly scaring people but at the same time, people think nothing of going to see a therapist."
That last sentence didn’t even make sense, but if it did, it was probably an insult to people that are in therapy. You know, like people who are named after fruit and never recover from the trauma suffered in grade school, or people whose mothers tell them that being sad will only make their thighs fatter and hair greasier. What a bunch of winps!
Michael Jackson is an addict
After two decades of indescribably bizarre behavior from Michael Jackson, the former pop icon’s family has decided enough is enough. It seems the Jackson family is fine with Michael’s megalomania, Peter Pan syndrome, child molestation, completely ridiculous plastic surgery, baby dangling, sham marriages, terrible music, and high-voice-talking, but drug binges are just too much to bear.
Pop star Michael Jackson's family is planning to trip to Bahrain to stage a drug intervention, the New York Daily News reported Wednesday. "The family is in a state of emergency. They consider it a life-or-death situation," a source close to the family told the newspaper. The source said a phone call from the Jackson children's nanny to Randy Jackson raised concerns the musician is bingeing on drugs.
Talk about your mixed signals. If the Jacksons are this concerned over Michael’s well-being, then he must be using some remarkable drugs. He’s probably snorting powdered foreskins and getting leopard blood enemas. So, maybe, this really doesn’t have much to do with anything other than the Jackson family being opposed to circumcision and poaching.
It's finally starting to make sense.
Kanye will win Grammy, or else...
In Kanye West's world, no one can question him, no matter what kind of diarrhea he spews from the mouth. In a recent interview with MTV, West says he expects his smash hit "Late Registration" will clean up at the Grammy's. If not, it's all just a conspiracy to keep him from going on another tirade.
"If I don't win Album of the Year, I'm gonna really have a problem with that," said West. "I can never talk myself out of [winning], you know why? Because I put in the work. I don't care if I jumped up and down right now on the couch like Tom Cruise...
Hopefully he keeps this up and gets his Grammy on the night before the event. You know, when they hand out the Grammy for "Best Recording of Someone Taking a Dump," "Best Classical Album not Involving Yanni" and other categories that no one cares about.
December 7, 2005
Nicole wants to be like Paris, calls off engagement
In perhaps the most shocking news of the day, Nicole Richie won't be getting married after all. The Simple Life star has decided to D-U-M-P DJ AM.
Richie's publicist, Cindy Guagenti, confirmed to the Associated Press on Wednesday that the couple have split. She said the breakup had been in the works for several days...
We can all expect the Nicole Richie/Adam Goldstein sex tape anytime now. This girl's desire to be like Paris Hilton is so sad. Next on the to-do list is to rebound with someone who has the same first name, and to get into a car accident with a bunch of fellow b-listers.
Riche, DJ AM break up [Yahoo]
Nick Nolte is dad of the year
Nick Nolte is being sued by the parents of a girl who was allegedly raped at the actor's Southern California home. The incident happened back in January, during a party thrown by Nolte's son. The judge in the case says the prosecution will be allowed to establish a trend of horrible parenting on Nolte's part.
A motion by attorneys for Nolte and his son argued that broader questioning was irrelevant to the case and would cause "unwarranted annoyance and embarrassment."
Unwanted annoyance and embarrassment? Nolte already crossed that bridge, vomited on it, and then set its alcohol content on fire when he was busted for the DUI which led to that ridiculous mugshot.
Nolte's defense team suffers a setback [Associated Press]
Lindsay Lohan flakes out
Sometimes I call in sick for work on days when I would rather sit at home and play Madden while downloading porn. In the case of Lindsay Lohan's absense yesterday morning on "Live with Regis and Kelly," I'm guessing the motivation is either that, or spending time burning Wilmer Valderamma voodoo dolls in a flaming pile of feces.
Lohan, announced as a guest on yesterday's "Live," was a no-show - apparently canceling five minutes after the show went onto the air because of food poisoning.
We all know this is a total lie. Lindsay doesn't eat nearly enough to get food poisoning. Maybe she overdosed on whatever it is that's making her boobs utterly disproportionate to her body.
Lindsay Lohan pulls a no-show [Page Six]
Eminem in search of new material
White rapping phenom Eminem has apparently hit a severe case of writer's block. What else can explain reports that he's about to remarry his ex-wife, Kim? My take is he's trying to get back to his bread and butter; rapping about drowning her in the family car, and other perfectly healthy fantasies.
"I'm at a point in my life right now where I feel like I don't know where my career is going," he said. "This is the reason that we called it 'Curtain Call,' because this could be the final thing. We don't know."
Curtain Call is apparently the title of Em's upcoming album. In about a week I wouldn't be surprised to hear one stabbed the other with the star that was supposed to go atop the Christmas tree at the Mathers household. No doubt a holiday season to remember for their daughter, who is trailing Michael Jackson's kids in the race for most traumatized celebrity offspring.
Mary-Kate's downward spiral
Where's Uncle Jesse when you need him? Despondent over Paris Hilton stealing her boyfriend (Stavros Niarchos III), Mary-Kate Olsen says the crisis forced her to drop out of school, move back to L.A. and drink her weight in frappucinos.
But she still indulges in her favorite guilty pleasure -- Starbucks, up to four beverages a day!
Michelle Tanner #1 also says that despite being heartbroken, she's feeling a lot sexier after beefing up to 95 pounds. You got that right, MKO. I know nothing gets me hotter than a woman with the body of a 9 year old.
Mary-Kate talks about her breakup [The Insider]
50 Cent caught red handed
Remember that story about 50 Cent performing at some little girl's bat mitzvah? Yeah, you wish it didn't really happen. Nothing says hardcore gangster rapper like a teenie-bop white girl dancing to your music with two hundred of her closest white teenie-bop friends.
More pictures from the $500,000 bat mitzvah after the jump.
UPDATE: You can see all the photos from the bat mitzvah here.
Ashlee Simpson has issues
Ashlee Simpson recently talked about the smorgasbord of physical and psychological problems that have made her the Carrie of hollywood starlets.
"When I went to ballet school, I was around a lot of girls with eating disorders, and I actually had a minor one myself," she said. "It was about six months of not eating too much at all. I was 11 and 5 feet 2 and about 70 pounds. My parents stepped in and made me eat. That really helped a lot." Now she says her best feature is her rack. "I have amazing boobs. I do, I know it. They're not too big, not too small. They're just perfect."
It's always a red flag when someone says their best feature is something you can't see. It's like Stephen Hawking saying his best feature is his vertical leap. I'm not buying it till she shows us the goods. And judging by the somewhat fragile nature of her self-esteem, that won't be long. All those weeks of following her around and calling her 'Fatlee Blimpson' will soon pay off. Oh yes.
Ashlee Simpson's Battle With Anorexia [ETOnline]
UPDATE: And just for reference, here's Ashlee at the Billboard Music Awards yesterday. Perfect boobs? You be the judge.
Uma Thurman's man hunt
Uma Thurman is on the hunt for a new man, insisting that she is still "out there and available if anyone's interested"
She told Grazia magazine: "As one who adores the male species, I feel compassionately towards them. I've studied them carefully like a hunter watches its prey. I love all the guys out there."
When you're a rich, beautiful, famous blonde actress, I have a hard time believing it's too difficult to find a man. Uma probably has to hunt for men about as much as Samuel Jackson has to hunt for self tanner. It's like I was telling her the other night in bed, "Babe, you have too much dignity to go slumming after a man. Ok? Good. Now go ahead and re-grease the vibrating donkey."
Lindsay Lohan can't get over Wilmer
Lindsay Lohan has hinted she split from Wilmer Valderrama after finding love letters written by an ex-girlfriend.
On TRL yesterday, she was asked if her new song Black Hole was about a specific person or just made up, and giggled, "Dammit! A little bit of both. I mean I incorporate everything. It's an ex so it's already (past)," Lohan begrudgingly added, "Obviously some of it was from Wilmer. Fine."
Wilmer Valderamma terrifies me. He is obviously some sort of alien and/or demigod, because there's no other explanation for his Sauron-like hold over hollywood starlets. I'd like to ascribe Lohan's ongoing obsession with him to either 1) a bad father, 2) drugs, or 3) general whorishness, but can't. This whole thing is like an episode of the X-files. I just hope Lindsay figures it out before she ends up in a space-pod on Rigel-7.
Julia DeMato gets arrested
American Idol loser Julia DeMato was arrested for DUI and drug possession early Saturday morning in Connecticut. Police allegedly found two marijuana pipes, weed and cocaine in her SUV. It sure is a shame to see America tear down its biggest and brightest stars.
"I am not a drug user," she told the newspaper in a phone interview from her home. "It's going to be taken care of in court and that's that."
DeMato finished in the top ten during season two of “Star Search” for skanks. Of course I would probably hit rock bottom too after losing to a 450 pound man in my only shot at fame.
Idol hopeful arrested for drugs, DUI [USA Today]
Mariah Carey still insane, wears clams
I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable expalanation as to why Mariah Carey is sporting a pair of clams on her breasts, but honestly I just don't care. I've decided I'm not even going to try to understand the things she does anymore. Case in point, the lovely Virginia was watching the Billboard Music Awards last night and reported this little gem to us:
I am currently watching the Billboard music awards and Mariah Carey just won. She read her "thank you" speech from her palm pilot. As if that wasn't bad enough she complained to "whoever wrote this list for me" because they left names off of it. She can't even write her own thank you speech. Nice.
At least she didn't a rip off her clothes to show off some drawn on abs. Actually I didn't even watch the damn thing, so for all I know she did.
Mel Gibson takes on the Jews
Those of us chomping at the bit for “Bird on a Wire 2” will have to wait a little longer. Mel Gibson is in talks with ABC to develop a four-hour miniseries on the Holocaust. If given the green light, the made-for-tv snoozefest would be based on a memoir of a Dutch Jew whose neighbors hid her from Nazis. It’s allegedly going to be a non-fiction work, but don’t try to pull that crap off on dear old dad.
"Mr. Gibson's father, Hutton Gibson, has repeatedly denied that the Holocaust happened, saying before the release of "Passion of the Christ," for example, that accounts of the Holocaust were mostly "fiction" and asserting that there were more Jews in Europe after World War II than before."
It’s not yet known if Gibson will act in the film, or just threaten people with eternal damnation during his publicity tour. Since that seemed to work pretty well for The Passion, you can pretty much count on it like another unnecessary Lethal Weapon sequel.
Mel Gibson does the Holocaust [NY Times]
Christina Applegate is single
After four years of marriage, vintage piece of ass Christina Applegate and “actor” Johnathan Schaech have filed for divorce. Publicists for each released this brief statement on Monday:
"The decision is mutual."
Having masturbated to Christina Applegate for over half of my life, I’m glad she finally realized that I want her and got rid of this guy. He has only been in one halfway decent movie like ten years ago. And he only managed to lip-synch and come up with ways not to fuck Liv Tyler the whole time. Applegate, on the other hand, was in the legendary “Married with Children” and she recently earned a Tony nomination for “Sweet Charity”. She was also #4, between Alyssa Milano and Jill Sandrock, on my 1995 list of “girls to have sex with.”
Justin Timberlake talks like a girl
Due to his failure to secure adult roles because casting directors think he sounds like a 12-year old boy, Justin Timberlake has hired a voice specialist in an effort to deepen his voice. A friend said:
“He was dejected after the casting bosses rejected him. At first they refused to tell him why they had reached their decisions, in case it hurt him. But he wanted to know if he needed more acting experience. And they eventually confessed they rejected him because he sounded more like a 12-year-old boy than an action hero. He needs a deep, dreamy voice like George Clooney if he is to be a big-screen sex symbol. So he has been doing voice exercises day and night in a bid to develop a deep voice."
Sorry to break it to you Justin, but if it hasn’t happened by now, no specialist in the world is going to help you suddenly sound like George Clooney. You might as well buy a carton of Marlboro’s, a case of Scotch, then sit at home and watch ER. At least you’ll be saving money. Besides, being the “cute one” in a boy band rarely translates into “action hero.” It’s kind of like that puppy I fought in my last karate tournament. No matter what his sensei told him, he was never able to sweep my leg. I’ll admit the little guy had spirit, but to be fair, I am Cobra Kai. We do not train to be merciful. Mercy is for the weak.
Thanks to the super sexy Carrie for the tip!
December 6, 2005
Robbie Williams wants Jude Law and Orlando Bloom
Singer Robbie Williams is trying to lure Jude Law and Orlando Bloom to play in his charity football match that will raise money for UNICEF. Williams will be leading the British team and wants some Hollywood A-listers.
“Robbie is lining up his A-list pals to be filmed for a week-long reality show. Robbie doesn’t drink, but he’s happy to host some parties as they relax after training sessions.”
Nobody in America knows why Robbie Williams is famous, but I guess playing soccer for charity is as good a reason as any. Apparently a “charity game” means you don’t have to win since Law and Bloom will be on the team. Bloom will probably show up in hot pants and glitter, and I’m pretty sure the referee will have to tell Jude that he can’t stick his dick in the ball.
Jude for Robbie TV team [The Sun]
Gisele Bundchen Hides Her Buns
Gisele Bundchen has a clause in her contracts that she doesn't have to show her ass.
"I make a point about that because I don't want my booty [to show]," she tells Vogue. "I can't wear like a nun outfit, or something like that, but I make sure that they understand that my booty has to be covered. It's my booty and I feel like when you're walking on the runway, God knows where they're looking. It's not that I feel self-conscious, it's that I feel like my booty should be shown on special occasions, for special people."
Holy crap, she used the word 'booty' four times in four sentences. She sounds like a cross between a Redbeard the pirate and Rain Man. And she's also failing to grasp a very fundamental concept here - every single man (and every flannel-wearing woman) between 10 and 85 has already seen her ass. Repeatedly. And who are these special people she's talking about showing her ass to anyway? If they're anything like the 'special kids' who went to my school, the minute they see her ass is the minute they start humping the nearest trashcan. Does she want to see that happen? Because I sure do.
Britney Angry, Kevin a Pothead
Britney Spears is said to be furious with Kevin Federline for, among other things, having drug dealers over at the house.
A source said that "She is trying to repossess the $200,000 Ferrari she bought him. She is sick and tired of his partying ways and the constant flow of complete drug addicts coming in and out of her house." The fight that led to Spears kicking Federline from their home last week reportedly began over his having a pot dealer over to the house and hanging around their newborn son.
Well, the divorce can't be too far off now. And undoubtedly Kevin will make off fairly well in the deal, proving that he's the Butthead to Britney's Beavis. I would feel bad for Britney, but rich people deserve little pity, rich idiots even less, and rich idiots who voted for Mayor McCheese in the last city election deserve none at all.
BRITNEY OUT TO 'PUNISH' KEVIN [Page Six]
Anna Nicole Smith, Drunk and Slutty
Organizers of the charity fund-raiser Live 8 have sued Trimspa diet firm for failing to control Anna Nicole Smith, claiming that an intoxicated and scantily clad Smith disrupted last summer's Live 8 concert in Philadelphia. Anna's response was to grab her crotch and puke.
Live 8 says that Trimspa not only stiffed them on a six-figure promotional fee, but "to add insult to injury, when Ms. Smith showed up to the Philadelphia concert to be integrated into the ABC broadcast . . . she was intoxicated and scantily clad in revealing attire that was totally inappropriate for a broadcast that would be seen by millions of people." The group claimed she "damaged Live 8's reputation and goodwill in the entertainment industry by her unbecoming and erratic behavior."
This lawsuit boggles my mind. Anna Nicole Smith drunk? And scantily-clad? Shocking. Somehow these Live 8 geniuses failed to realize that Anna Nicole Smith is the Muhammad Ali of drunken skanks. I can only assume that this is because they are cavern-dwelling dwarves who have shunned human society for the last fifteen years.
SUED OVER SLOPPY ANNA NICOLE [Page Six]
Jennifer Aniston is topless
Lawyers for Jennifer Aniston are prepared to file an invasion of privacy lawsuit against any publisher that prints photos of her sunbathing topless at her home in Los Angeles. I've never seen Jennifer Aniston’s breasts, so she may have her reasons for not wanting to show them to me, but after ten years of Friends and the recent Derailed, she might want to give me at least something worth looking at. I’m not sure if her nipples are made of solid marble or not, but I’ll have the decency to nod and smile reassuringly if she ever decides to flash me. I’m adorably sensitive like that.
Brad Pitt, on the other hand, not only had the distinction of seeing her breasts for years; he's also one of the millions that have seen Angelina Jolie’s. And considering he's becoming the father of Angelina’s adopted kids, I assume Jennifer’s breasts didn’t make that big of an impression. The fact that Jennifer Aniston is not Angelina Jolie may have also had something to do with the dumping, but that rumor has yet to be confirmed.
Aniston Warns Over Topless Photos [The Smoking Gun - thanks ET for the link!]
December 5, 2005
Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros are zombies
Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros were arrested within 15 minutes of each other last Thursday in Hawaii on DUI charges. I ignored the news when it first appeared since we only write about celebrities here, but then the lovely Sarah sent in their mugshots and I couldn't resist. Because if there's anything better than a second class celebrity getting arrested for drunk driving, it's a zombie pretending to be a second class celebrity getting arrested for drunk driving.
Two 'Lost' Stars Charged With DUI [Washington Post]
Brad Pitt is adopting Angelina Jolie's kids
I put off writing about this because I wasn't ready in my heart to accept it, but Brad Pitt is in the process of adopting Angelina Jolie's kids.
A legal petition seeking to change the names of the children to Zahara Jolie-Pitt and Maddox Jolie-Pitt was filed Friday in Los Angeles, publicist Cindy Guagenti said in a written statement to The Associated Press.
"We are confirming that Brad Pitt is in the process of becoming the adoptive father of both children," the statement said. "No further comment is being made."
Looks like my dreams of stealing Angelina Jolie away are officially crushed. It wasn't as depressing as when she married Billy Bob Thornton, since he's an ugly sack of old smelling flesh and you knew Angelina would eventually come to her senses, but Brad Pitt is a decent looking guy, and if he becomes the father of her children the odds of them breaking up pretty much drops to zero. And if they don't break up, I probably won't get a chance to sleep with Angelina Jolie. And if I don't get to sleep with Angelina Jolie, I'll probably have to stick my head in a blender. And if I have to stick my head in a blender, I'll probably be dead. And that, my friends, is low on my list of things to be.
Scarlett Johansson might be spoiled
The Style section of the New York Times has an article on Scarlett Johansson, which is incredibly boring except for a few key parts like this:
"Robert Redford gave me a silver bracelet, which I cherished," she recalled. "And I haven't gotten anything lately that was like that. The studio will send you a wilting fruit basket or some mediocre Champagne or maybe the newest iPod. Some people get cars - that would be nice, but will they also pay for my parking?"
Just when I thought I finally understood celebrities, one of them goes ahead and says some crazy shit like this. Receiving cars as gifts? That's fine. But to be so bold as to expect them to pay for your parking as well? That's just plain greedy. It's a good thing Scarlett Johansson is hot, because I doubt any guy would want to get with a woman whose idea of a gift is a car and free parking. And maybe the occasional unicorn.
Scarlett [NY Times - thanks Neil!]
Madonna is a crazy psycho killer
Madonna claims she stopped hunting when a pheasant she shot fell to her feet and started pouring out blood.
"I was mad for shooting a couple of years ago," she tells Tatler magazine. "I loved my bespoke outfits and everything. It was so much fun. That all changed when a bird dropped in front of me that I'd shot. It wasn't dead. It got up, and it was really suffering. Blood was gushing out of its mouth, and it was struggling . . . I haven't shot since . . . I realized I had a kind of bloodlust, and was manically shooting things and trying to kill as many birds as possible."
I don't really care if she hunts or not, I'm just glad that she was quoted as saying she "had a kind of bloodlust, and was manically shooting things and trying to kill as many birds as possible." Usually when I picture Madonna I picture a bony corpse trying desperately to look sexy, but thanks to this article I can replace that with an image of a bony corpse trying desperately to shoot birds to death. The difference is subtle, but one involves a pair of hot shorts, and the other involves a cocked rifle and a lot of foaming at the mouth.
NO MORE BLOOD [Page Six]
Jessica Alba has a big tie
I don't know when oversized novelty ties came into fashion, but I hope they never go out. And I'm not just saying that because I recently opened "The Amazing Oversized Novelty Tie Shop" over in downtown Hollywood.
Okay, I lied. That's exactly why I just said that. Now go buy my ridiculously oversized ties before I stab you in the face.
The Osbournes are old
In news that no one cares about, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne have vowed never to have more children because they’re too old.
"I went through that phase for about five minutes once. Then I thought, 'What are you fucking thinking?' It's like putting a gun to your head, shooting, missing and then thinking, 'I've missed. I'll try again.'
Considering the children they've already got, I'm surprised that the Osbournes haven’t already put a shotgun in their mouths, let alone try for more. Creating attractive well-adjusted children isn’t the Osbourne’s strong suit, so this is probably for the best. Ozzy can barely walk or string together syllables, so it's pretty clear he'll need a box of Viagra and possibly anesthesia to have sex. And I don’t even want to think about Sharon. I'm not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t healthy for a baby to be pulled out of cobwebs and dust.
Sharon Osbourne No More Kids [Female First]
Britney Spears consults a psychic
In an effort to save her marriage, Britney Spears has reportedly consulted a psychic:
“She’s willing to have a third party arbitrate the problems,” a friend told the upcoming issue of Life & Style Weekly, but her spouse of 15 months allegedly refused, saying, “That’s for crazy people. If you want to see a shrink, go by yourself.”
For Britney’s sake, I hope that “psychic” is code for “hitman”. If not, then this story is even more laughable. Even if she won’t do it for the above quote, she needs to do it for the rest us that have seen K-Fed turn one of the hottest pieces of ass in recent memory into a greased pig. And if you're worried about the kid, don’t. I grew up without a father and I turned out just fine. At least that’s what the voices tell me when I’m cutting myself.
