November 3, 2005

Kidman unhappy about Cruise’s baby

There's nothing sadder than when a woman finds out her gay husband is really not that gay after all. Except for that time I accidentally tripped this guy in front of a bunch of three-year-olds at the mall. And by 'tripped' I mean 'murdered'. And by 'this guy' I mean 'Santa Claus'. In any case, Nicole Kidman is very upset by the news that Tom Cruise, is about to have his first 'biological' child with Katie Holmes.

Nic learned about Tom and Katie’s baby the same way as everyone else — from the TV,” a friend of Kidman’s said. “She went shopping immediately after hearing the news to try and take her mind off it, but that just made things worse. She says people pointed at her, and everyone was whispering as soon as she turned her back. She’s taking it very hard.”

Of course the real reason she's upset is because the only time Tom let her have sex with him was when she put on a fake beard and talked like a pirate. And smacked his ass with ping-pong paddles. And called him Mr. Humphries. And even then she never got preggers. And do you know why? Yeah, that's right - butt sex.

• Kidman ‘devastated’ about Cruise’s baby [MSNBC]

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